Bringing hope, peace and unity to the good brethren of the business supplies community

The good father discusses German supermarkets, selling fishing waders and using binoculars to scout out new sales opporunities

We are fast getting the reputation of being the German supermarket of the office supplies world. We’re selling products we wouldn’t have dreamed of back in the days of traditional office supplies; the warehouse is packed with everything from boy scout uniforms to lava lamps.

We managed to secure a job lot of fishing waders in 2017 which have been at the back of the warehouse and rather than let them stay there any longer Mrs O’ Reilly, who looks after our HR, warehousing, distribution, administration hygiene and catering, decided to offer them at a discount as part of our COVID range. Somehow, she has successfully convinced a lot of people that COVID can be contracted from your bare ankles - and those waders have been flying out of here. People are wearing them in their offices and, although they are uncomfortable, and can get quite hot, we’ve been told that they are really safe in the current circumstances. She has them advertised with fly fishing vests as a good value combo; the vests can hold your sanitisers and masks and gloves all in the same place - and there is a magnet at the back to hold acrylic COVID desk screens with metal edging.

Sometimes we have to take a good look at the world around us, and step out of our stationery shoes, to see some real sales opportunities. Mrs O’ Reilly regularly goes for long walks around the village - with her binoculars - just to look at people and guess what they might need next. She’s been reprimanded a couple of times by the police but, as she says herself, “If you don’t take risks, you don’t sell stationery”. Don’t forget, at one stage people questioned why a pencil sharpener would be any use in the days before pencils were invented.

Our dealer buying group, Office Standoffish, are not too keen on us finding new products as they then have to go and source them. It means they have to make enquiries with suppliers from other industries and it can be very scary; they tell me that the people in other places talk very professionally, and know what they have in stock, and can help them straight away.

I hope that sort of behaviour doesn’t spread itself into our company.

JOKE OF THE MONTH

Two office supplies reps are sitting in the office when one says to the other: “I’m fed up with this. I bet I can get the boss to let me go home.” Pretty soon after this the boss walks in and the same rep climbs up to the ceiling and hangs upside down. “What are you doing up there?” says the boss. “I’m a lightbulb,” says the rep. “I think you’ve lost it completely,” says the boss. “I think you need to go home.” So, the rep leaves and shortly afterwards the other rep gets up and starts packing his briefcase to go home as well. “Where do you think you’re going?” says the boss. “Well you can’t expect me to work in the dark,” says the rep.