FATHER P. CLIP

Bringing hope, peace and unity to the good brethren of business supplies

The good Father brings some festive cheer with his final thoughts of the year

F

ar be it from me to throw a petrol-covered Christmas log on the already far from stable fire of the office supplies industry, but doesn’t it seem that, even though our prices are increasing almost daily, some very large corporates don’t seem to be under the same pressure?

They can keep their prices below cost no matter what pressure there is on the economy - in fact, according to our customers, they can get everything cheaper and nicer elsewhere and, whilst they are very understanding of our predicament, they like to explain that they, in turn, are under pressure from their bosses to buy from the cheapest supplier.

They can get office supplies which smell of roses and boil the kettle for them. We, of course, always treat this as a tactic to get more discount and carefully start to investigate which ones are genuine and which ones are chancers – wouldn’t it be easier if they wore some sort of uniform or badge so that we can sniff them out? Buyers have become cannier than they ever were before. A simple Christmas lunch and a bottle of whiskey used to be enough to tie them in for another year at least, but now we have to put a lot more effort into it. Mrs O’ Reilly, who looks after our recruitment and dismissals, has offered all sorts of favours to the customers but her body odour stands in her way. To get round this we’ve started to send anonymous notes to the buyers and then stand outside their premises in a threatening manner - hardly the spirit of Christmas, but we all have to do unpleasant things from timeto-time when it comes to business. It is, of course, the Christmas season and plans are being made for parties and gifts; our company has already made a pledge to enjoy ourselves and escape from any shadow which the office supplies business casts over our, already miserable, lives. We’re going to drink and eat and be merry - and compile a Christmas gift list for our customers which will grow and grow until it puts us out of business. It’s lucky they’re worth it, eh? Season’s greetings to you all.