FATHER P. CLIP

Bringing hope, peace and unity to the good brethren of business supplies

This year, the good Father wants to replace the promises of ‘next day delivery’ with a new slogan

T

he trouble with the holidays being over is that some of our team are easing themselves back into work so gently that we still haven’t processed any orders even though we’ve been back for over a week. It’s lucky that the customers around here feel the same way; everyone is relaxed, with the exception of the customers from the big smoke.

The customers from the big smoke are a different breed altogether; someone obviously dies in their organisation if they run out of paper and if their toner hasn’t been delivered on time it means they automatically go out of business. I’m being sarcastic, of course, but that’s exactly how they react. We deliver their paper by ambulance now with flashing lights and a siren, and we carry it out on a trolley with a drip attached for good measure. This works in our favour because it makes them feel important, and allows them to feel that they can take out their bad tempers on the stationery supplier.

People love to take out their frustrations on the office supplier. They blame us for everything simply because we are a soft target, and they know that we’ll cower in fear like a faulty shaking shredder as soon as they threaten to take their business elsewhere.

We’re our own worst enemy. We come up with offers we can’t fulfil like ‘Our products are guaranteed to last ‘, or ‘We’ll discount your prices even outside of your contract’. The words ‘Next day delivery’ are the biggest problem, in my opinion. The person who first suggested ‘Next day delivery’ should be strung up alongside the person who invented mosquitos or non-alcoholic lager.

I’d like everyone to adopt a new slogan for this year, ‘Might be in a couple of days if in stock, if not in stock you might have to wait for a while, but I’m sure no one in your organisation will die due to the delay.’

How would that look on the front of a mailer? Let’s go for it!