16 minute read
Motivating Kids
MOTIVATING By LEN LANTZ, MD kids
MOTIVATINGkids
IS YELLING AT YOUR CHILD EFFECTIVE?
In short, no. Screaming at kids is ineffective and unenjoyable, however, I often hear parents say, “My kids only listen to me when I scream at them.” This yelling often includes: • Get ready for school! • We’re late! • Do your homework! • Clean your room! • Go to bed!
How do parents get to the point of blaming, shaming, nagging, threatening, and overdoing it with punishment? It often occurs through a common sequence. It starts with kids procrastinating, follows with parents not enforcing consequences, and ends with parents stuffing their frustration until they explode.
Some kids provoke their parents to lose their tempers. I’m not talking here about those kids who are power-tripping. If you are dealing with kids who actively provoke or defy you, you might need family therapy to turn things around.
When you scream at your children, they might do what you want because you are scaring them or hurting their feelings. They might be afraid of your temporary emotional instability. While there are healthy and appropriate ways of telling them that you are angry, screaming is not one of them.
POSITIVE APPROACHES TO MOTIVATING YOUR CHILDREN
There are a few basic steps for engaging your kids and getting them started on the activity they need to be doing. 1. Pay attention to your timing. Avoid doing this activity if they are: • Tired, sick or hungry. • In the middle of a sleepover with friends. • Just sitting down to relax after having finished another task. 2. Have them pause what they are doing. 3. “I need you to pause your game.” 4. “I need you to pause your video.” 5. “I’m going to need a little bit of your time.” 6. State, “I have noticed that you have not done ____________ [the activity they are avoiding] and I have time now to help get you to get started.” 7. Say, “Let’s figure out what the first step is.”
At this point, do not give them a laundry list of instructions. Instead, help them write out all of the individual steps for the project, putting the easiest step at the top. 8. Say, “I can help you with this first step if you like.” If they want to start it on their own, then that is great. Then state, “Please come find me when you are done with this
step. I want to make sure this whole thing is done before you go back to __________ [the activity they were doing before you interrupted them]. Once you are done with this step, we’ll move on to the next until we are done.” If your child goes back to their activity rather than getting you, you’ll need to be firm with them and let them know you mean business. 9. After they have finished all of the steps and the project is complete, you can say,
“Thanks for working on this and getting the whole thing done.” Then leave them alone for a while.
Make sure to only give your child one step at a time. If you like, you can make this a game. You could say, “Let’s see how fast you can get this first step done!” Many kids get overwhelmed when faced with multiple steps. You can help them by breaking down projects into parts and having them come to you after each task is done.
If at this point you are thinking, “This is ridiculous! My child should be able to do it all on their own,” then please stop. The reason you are doing this exercise is that they are not doing what they should. Living in the Land of Should will not motivate your child or stop you from yelling at them.
A STORY ABOUT MOTIVATING A CHILD
“Joe’s” bedroom had been a cesspool for weeks. Every time his mother, Karen, asked him to clean his room, he had an excuse. He had homework to do first. He had to go work his shift at McDonald’s. He had lacrosse practice and promised to do it later. She finally pinned him down in the family room on a Saturday when he was binge-watching Netflix. “Joe,” she said, “Your room.” “I know, I know, Mom. I’ll get it done today.” Karen replied in a firm voice, “I need you to hit pause for a little bit. Let’s go deal with this together right now.”
They walked to his room. It was a 16-yearold’s disaster zone. “I need a hazmat suit,” Karen murmured. “What’s that?” Joe said. Karen just smiled and said, “I’ll tell you later. Okay. First step. Dirty clothes off all surfaces and into your hamper. I’ll help. Let’s see how fast we can do this. Let’s go!” Joe and Karen flew into action. Within a couple of minutes, all dirty clothes were in the hamper. Karen then said, “Wait a second! Don’t move from this room!” She darted down the hallway. Joe didn’t know his mother could move that fast. This whole experience was weird but interesting.
His mother made it back his room in 30 seconds and she was a little out of breath. “Okay,” she said, “Let’s put all trash in this trash bag. Everything.” They proceeded to dump food off plates, throw half-empty cans of Red Bull and empty boxes of donuts into the trash. “What should I do with all of the plates and glasses?” Joe asked. His mother replied, “Since the dishwasher is empty, I want you to fill it with all of these plates and glasses and run it. Ugh. This garbage smells rancid. You take care of the dishes, and I’ll take this bag to the dumpster. Come find me when you’re done with that. Do not go back to your movie until I give you the all-clear.”
Joe proceeded to fill the dishwasher and started it. He wanted to get back to his movie, but he stopped by his room again and noticed it looked a lot better already. He made his bed and arranged his desk and then found his mom. Karen went to inspect his room. On the way, Joe said, “Mom, I got the dishwasher going, made my bed and arranged my desk, too.” Karen looked the room over and said, “This room looks much better. You made your bed and cleaned up your desk on your own. That shows initiative! Do you think you can do this on your own next time?” “Yeah, Mom,” he said. “Great!” she replied, “Enjoy your show!”
IMAGINE MOTIVATING YOUR KIDS, REDUCING THEIR PROCRASTINATION AND GETTING MORE COOPERATION FROM THEM
Joining your kids is a positive way to motivate them and get them working on the things they have been avoiding. You’ll feel better using strategies that help you stay in control of your emotions and don’t leave you or your kids feeling ashamed and hurt. You can teach them how to break down activities into manageable parts so that they can start doing things themselves, preparing for when they eventually move out on their own. Think about how you can creatively join your kids to begin the things they need to do today!
WHAT IF THERE IS A LOOMING DEADLINE?
Most of the time, your child’s looming deadlines are neither your fault nor your responsibility. Occasionally teachers give unfair deadlines. More often, kids are stressed about deadlines due to their procrastination. When your child asks you for help about a deadline, your best approach is to help them assess their situation, not lecture them on time management. Most people – kids and adults – procrastinate things that are new, complex or long.
The first question to help your child answer is: Is it possible to complete this project before the deadline? If the answer is yes, then break down the project to its component tasks. If the answer is no, help them deal with the disappointment that they are unlikely to get full credit for the work. Then help them get the project completed and turned in for partial credit as soon as it is reasonable for them to do so. They don’t need to hear, “I told you so” from you. Let them learn from their mistakes and disappointments without your blaming and shaming. Consider reading my article, “Knowing When to Silence Your Inner Helicopter Parent” for more information on this issue. ■
FOR FURTHER READING, CHECK OUT: ARTICLES “The Creative Parenting Mindset – Having Fun Raising Your Kids” by Len Lantz “Knowing When to Silence Your Inner Helicopter Parent” by Len Lantz BOOKS Raising an Emotionally Intelligent Child: The Heart of Parenting by Dr. Gottman Between Parent and Child by Dr. Ginott How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk by Faber and Mazlish See Len Lantz’s book reviews here: kungfupsychiatry.com/bookreviews/
Check out who’s standing out in our community.
IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE?
Please email sbprevent@buttecares.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.
Anthony Sena
Anthony Sena, an 18-year-old member of the Powell County community, moved to the area last year from Denver, Colorado. He has enjoyed the quieter life and slower pace that Deer Lodge, Montana, has to offer. The very first week he was in town, he was invited to attend a local reAct youth prevention coalition meeting as a young adult advisor. Since then, he has rarely missed a meeting, event, or project. Anthony has helped complete multiple events in town, like lazer tag, Young Adult Hang-outs, and a Trail Clean-up day. Anthony truly shines when showing kids how to build an elevator speech quickly and then present it. He encourages youth to be respectful citizens, and the younger youth see him as a role model.
Sophie Archibald
Sophie Archibald is a member of Butte High School and a wonderful partner to Butte Cares! She takes the lead and has initiative to help the youth in her community be happy, healthy, and successful. Recently, she has been working with Butte Cares to start a Youth Coalition at Butte High. She and one of her friends are working on recruiting members to the coalition to help provide alternative activities for herself and her peers. This will help create a healthier community as kids have more activities to be involved in to keep them too busy to engage in negative behaviors. Sophie is a great role model to her peers! Thank you, Sophie, for setting a wonderful example and helping to create a better community.
Isaac Zell
Isaac Zell is new to Margaret Leary this year but has quickly made a positive impact at the school. Isaac is hardworking and always puts forth his best effort, no matter the task, be it academics or wrestling. He strives to do his best and focuses not just on receiving the highest marks, but growing and learning through his education. He constantly has a book in his hand and participated in the Hall of Fame competition this school year. Isaac is a positive and calm presence and radiates joy in our classroom. He is kind to others and a respectful friend. Margaret Leary is so LUCKY to have Isaac as a Mustang!
Officer Ryan Hardy
Officer Ryan Hardy is deeply involved with the Butte-Silver Bow Community. He started his career in law enforcement as an officer at the jail, became an officer in 2012, and was the school resource officer for a time. He has always enjoyed helping people and is a positive influencer for the community and children, so it made sense that his career path has lead to him becoming the Crime Prevention Officer for BSB. Officer Hardy partners with Butte Cares to prevent youth substance misuse, and he truly understands the importance of early intervention through education, guidance, and prevention efforts. Officer Hardy is an asset to this community. Thank you, Officer Ryan Hardy, for caring about the youth of our community, because they are the future.
Fritz Bieler
Fritz Bieler has seen many senior classes graduate from Jefferson High School. Over the past three years, during Alcohol Awareness month in April, he has worked in collaboration with the JC DUI Task Force and the JC prevention specialist to provide graduating seniors supportive messaging about the choices they will face in their futures. He has shared his class time to address the topic of substance misuse as it applies to their lives. One example is a parent of a former graduate from JHS presented to the seniors the story of her son’s death at age 33 from alcoholism. Fritz is one of those teachers who students can rely on for some sound advice and support as they make their journey through high school.
Increased communication & reduced conflict with your kids are possible!
Creating Lasting Family Connections is a comprehensive family enrichment program for parents and their 7th through 12th-grade students For more information contact Esther Lince 406-498-1215 preventionmc@swmtprevent .org
40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS
40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.
Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.
Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.
Turn the page to learn more!
The 40 Developmental Assets® may be reproduced for educational, noncommercial uses only. Copyright © 1997 Search Institute® , 615 First Avenue NE, Suite 125, Minneapolis, MN 55413; 800-888-7828; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.
assets in action 40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS
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Butte 4-C’s values youth and offers support in the community
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An Open Theatre production encouraging youth talent
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Christian Larkins participates in activities that promote wellness for youth
Youth listen as JP Gallagher declares April Alcohol Awareness Month
SUPPORT
1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support. 2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s). 3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults. 4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors. 5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment. 6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.
EMPOWERMENT
7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth. 8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community. 9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week. 10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.
BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS
11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. 12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences. 13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. 14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. 15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. 16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.
CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME
17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.
If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email sbprevent@buttecares.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.
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Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.
COMMITMENT TO LEARNING
21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.
POSITIVE VALUES
26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people. 27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty. 28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs. 29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” 30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility. 31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.
SOCIAL COMPETENCIES
32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices. 33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. 34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. 35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. 36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.
POSITIVE IDENTITY
37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.” 38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem. 39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.” 40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.
1st place awards at inaugural Red Carpet Video event
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Jefferson County students at the March Madness event
Vaida helps make environmental changes in the community
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Friends who are also leaders in the Youth Coalition
