Listen to Hear and Not Respond

listen to hear

AND NOT RESPOND

By KELLY ACKERMAN, LCPC

To be seen, heard, and understood is at the heart of feeling secure, the essence of being loved, the core of being accepted, and the foundation of trust. Though there are many aspects to this foundation, so often the struggle within a relationship is the missing art of listening. Desperately, parents seek to have their kids listen to them. It is a battle shared by a large majority. And yet we learn, as children, to listen by witnessing the adults around us. Often the lesson learned is to be heard or the last to speak. We learn by watching that to listen means we need to have a reaction, an answer, an anecdote, a comparison, a correction. And while we are busy reacting to what our children are attempting to communicate with their limited words and their mixed-up emotions, they receive a message that they have not been heard. So many children (spouses, employees, students, etc.) cry out “YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!” Let’s stop to consider that they just may be right.

To teach a child to listen benefits us by helping us learn the fine art of listening, practicing it, and employing it consistently first. As we do, a level of trust develops, and though not all problems are solved, we find ourselves well on our way to deep, meaningful connection. Though many books have been written on this topic, I challenge you to consider one simple question: What is your motive?

Many people would consider themselves good listeners. However, only an estimated 10% of people are good listeners, which means the vast majority fall outside of that definition. Since we have learned from those before and around us, we likely have acquired the importance of a good response. So much of the time someone is talking, we are preoccupied with our own response that we do not dedicate the attention and focus to what is being said because our brain is busy working on the response. The Greek philosopher Epictetus so obviously stated, “We have two ears and one mouth so that we can listen twice as much as we speak,” and still centuries later, we are practicing the art of speaking by preparing our response. We work so hard at this that we send the message to those we love that we do not hear them, or that their message is not worth hearing because what we have to say is more important. In doing this, we break relationship and trust.

To listen to understand requires mindfulness, a slowing down and considering what our intention really is. As we challenge ourselves to listen, we can take in the whole message that consists of emotion, tone of voice, facial expression, body language, and allow it to settle. Our ears capture words, but our attention captures the meaning sometimes hidden in the words. When a girl returns from school with her eyes downcast, shoulders slumped and responds slightly muffled to your question, “How was your day?” with, “It was OK… [long pause]…my friends hid my lunch box at school and I couldn’t find it. They thought it was funny.” Responding could be, “Well that’s a crappy thing to do. I hope you told them off. When I was a kid and my friends were mean to me, I just found new friends!” And then the opportunity to connect to her hurt, embarrassment, and loneliness is missed and she begins to stop talking, slowly turning inward and adopting an internal voice that says she is not good enough.

Listening to your son who comes home with a fierce entrance, rapidly and loudly yelling, “My boss sucks! He always blames me for things going wrong. I QUIT,” might require a, “Whoa, that sounds like a terrible experience!” rather than an equally charged, “You better not quit because you have car insurance to pay for and quitting is not responsible.” The second comes from an immediate need to respond to your own emotional trigger and will likely increase the chances that you become a target of the anger and a full-blown argument ensues.

The art of listening takes time, practice, and an intentional approach to be aware of your own feelings that are triggered, while focusing on the message being presented and aligning with the person talking. As soon as we lose that alignment, we have lost the art and the connection that creates security. Of course, there is much more to learn about listening, but I challenge you to begin with asking yourself these two questions: Am I a good listener? Is my intention to understand or to be understood? With time and practice, you can find yourself in a connected, secure relationship in the top 10%. ■

And while we are busy reacting to what our children are attempting to communicate with their limited words and their mixed-up emotions, they receive a message that they have not been heard. So many children (spouses, employees, students, etc.) cry out “YOU ARE NOT LISTENING TO ME!” Let’s stop to consider that they just may be right.

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why the surge in VAPING MARIJUANA?

By YOUTH CONNECTIONS STAFF

Local therapists report seeing a rise in teens vaping marijuana. According to DrugAbuse.gov regarding the 2019 Monitoring the Future survey of youth nationwide, “Past year vaping of marijuana, which has more than doubled in the past two years, was reported at 20.8% among 12th graders, with 10th graders not far behind at 19.4% and eighth graders at 7.0%. Past month marijuana vaping among 12th graders nearly doubled in a single year to 14% from 7.5%–the second largest one-year jump ever tracked for any substance in the history of the survey.”

WHY THE SURGE?

1) The number one reason youth state they vape marijuana is because they want to experiment. 2) The number two reason is they like the flavors, which are developed to target kids. Flavors like birthday cake, tutti frutti, and bubble gum attract young users. 3) The third reason, which explains the concerning increase in use, is because they’re hooked to them. Often youth will say they want to quit, but they can’t. 4) Parents and teachers can’t identify use by the pungent odor. There is no marijuana smell when vaping marijuana/THC. It’s very easy

to use without getting caught. 5) Vape pens can look like USB drives, pens, markers, and now there is even clothing to hide use. Hoodies look like a normal piece of clothing but the vape device is concealed in the drawstrings. They are easy to carry and to hide. 6) Media has normalized and glamorized e-cigarette use.

Challenges posted on social media encourage kids to post videos, like getting a teacher to unknowingly charge their vape device or vape in class undetected.

According to JAMA, “Marijuana vaping produces significantly greater physiological and psychological effects compared with traditional smoking methods at the same tetrahydrocannabinol (THC) levels, raising concerns about potential health effects…including lung injury when using black market products.” Dr. Nora Volkow, the Director of the National Institute on Drug Abuse stated, “there is a big concern that through the use of this vaping devices teenagers may be modifying their brain. What we yet do not know is what are the consequences that maybe for more subtle effects, that may take years to emerge, which may relate to the fact that you are delivering very high temperature vapor into your lung, that with repeated use and regular use and frequent use, may lead to harm.” ■