How to Prevent Becoming a Snowplow Parent

how to prevent becoming a

SNOWPLOW PARENT

By DR. TIM ELMORE

how to prevent becoming a

SNOWPLOW PARENT

On my drive to work each day, I pass by several bus stops where children wait to be picked up. They are not alone. Parents are there, too. Lots of them. Once I stopped to count the number of adults waiting with several 8- to 11-year-old students. There were more parents waiting at the bus stop than students.

Ialso drive on crowded roads where the number of cars doubles when school is in session. Why? Moms and dads drive their kids to school, or they purchase a car for their kids to drive themselves. It’s now the norm in many school districts.

This is a picture of a new normal.

THE PROS AND CONS OF TODAY’S PARENTING STYLE

I have mixed emotions about all of this. On the one hand, I love the fact that parents today want to be present with their children. These intentional parents spend time and money on tutors, travel sports teams, and other activities that give their children an advantage in life. For example, parents now spend more money raising their children than any previous generation did, according to Consumer Expenditure Survey data analyzed by the sociologists Sabino Kornrich and Frank Furstenberg. Furthermore, “according to time-use data analyzed by Melissa A. Milkie, a sociologist at the University of Toronto, today’s working mothers spend as much time doing hands-on activities with their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”

Whether it’s out of fear for their safety or to bolster their self-esteem, moms and dads now find time to lobby for their children’s success. One teen identified her mom as her “agent.” These parents are more than “helicopters” who hover over their kids. They’ve gone from monitoring kid’s lives to manipulating them. They are downright intrusive, all in name

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of their child’s progress and success. Even parents with college-age children: • Have been known to bring their children home because they didn’t like their roommates • Are known to pay sororities/fraternities to improve their children’s applications. • Have written papers and essays for their children when classes became too hard. • Have been known to bribe college admissions staff for entrance into schools.

Journalists Claire Cain Miller and Jonah Engel Bromwich wrote, “Helicopter parenting, the practice of hovering anxiously near one’s children, monitoring their every activity, is so 20th century. Some affluent mothers and fathers now are more like snowplows: machines chugging ahead, clearing any obstacles in their child’s path to success, so they don’t have to encounter failure, frustration, or lost opportunities.”

It’s not just affluent parents either. Recent studies suggest that parents across lines of class and race are embracing the idea of intensive parenting, whether or not they can afford it.

Think about it. If children never face obstacles, what happens when they get into the real world? “They flounder,” says Julie Lythcott-Haims, former dean of freshmen at Stanford and the author of How to Raise an Adult: Break Free of the Overparenting Trap and Prepare Your Kid for Success. We are the ones who created the “snowflake” generation.

SNOWPLOW PARENTS TEND TO RAISE SNOWFLAKE KIDS

The snowflake generation is a term that was coined in the late 2010s to describe the population of kids raised by parents who never let them fall down, skin their knees, or fail at anything. As you might imagine, these kids grew up (and are still growing up) a bit fragile—like a snowflake. They are unready for the rigors of university life. They need adults to make places emotionally safe when the only danger is a speaker they might disagree with on campus, and they can’t navigate a tough class or negotiate with a professor to raise their grades through extra work. These are adult tasks, and they are not yet adults emotionally.

So, here is the one phrase I want to reinforce with you as a parent: Snowplow parents tend to raise snowflake kids.

FOUR STEPS TO STOP SNOWPLOWING AND RAISE SELF-SUFFICIENT KIDS 1. Ease them toward independence while they are still living with you.

The safest time for kids to learn independence is when they’re in a safe place called Mom and Dad’s house. It’s like a simulator. When my two kids were in high school, my wife had them begin doing their own laundry. We had them pay for half of their car, and we taught them to resolve any conflicts they had as siblings by age 12. Why? This is all part of growing up. The best part of this was they knew how to do it when they left for college.

“...today’s working mothers spend as much time doing hands-on activities with their children as stay-at-home mothers did in the 1970s.”

2. Combine autonomy with responsibility, and increase these traits as they age.

The two ingredients that indicate maturity are the readiness for autonomy (I can do this on my own) and responsibility (I will own this task as if it were my own). When our kids wanted more autonomy, I always tried to combine that freedom with a corresponding responsibility, a sense of ownership. If they borrowed the family car, I had them pay for the gas in the tank. If they wanted the right to stay out later than curfew at night, we made sure they could meet the deadline for their current curfew first.

3. Don’t do for them what they should do for themselves.

Some student affairs staff members tell me that their students’ parents call them consistently about topics the students should figure out by college. For instance, moms will call and ask what items are in the dining hall salad bar so they can choose what their kid should eat for lunch. Parents call or text to make sure their children wake up and don’t miss class. Another parent intervened via video chat to resolve a conflict her child had with a roommate over a stolen peanut butter jar. These are normal tasks that teens should perform on their own. We delay their maturation when we do them.

4. Always ask yourself: Does helping them now hurt them in the long run?

This is a great accountability question for parents. When you find yourself intruding in your teen’s life, ask yourself if helping him or her is really going to help him down the road? Is helping your child actually hurting him? Does your help disable him from learning hard lessons he’ll thank you for later? Remember this phrase: The further I can see into the future, the better the decision I make today for my child.

“In a new poll by The New York Times and Morning Consult of a nationally representative group of parents of children ages 18 to 28, three-quarters had made appointments for their adult children, like for doctor visits or haircuts, and the same share had reminded them of deadlines for school,” according to an NYT column. “Eleven percent said they would contact their child’s employer if their child had an issue. Sixteen percent of those with children in college had texted or called them to wake them up so they didn’t sleep through a class or test. Eight percent had contacted a college professor or administrator about their child’s grades or a problem they were having.”

If we are snowplows, we will likely create snowflakes.. ■

About The Author: Tim Elmore is an international speaker and best-selling author of more than 30 books, including Generation iY: The Secrets to Connecting With Teens & Young Adults in the Digital Age, Artificial Maturity: Helping Kids Meet the Challenges of Becoming Authentic Adults, the Habitudes® series, and 12 Huge Mistakes Parents Can Avoid. He is founder and president of Growing Leaders, an organization equipping today’s young people to become the leaders of tomorrow. Sign up to receive Tim’s blog at www.growingleaders.com/blog and get more information on Growing Leaders at www.GrowingLeaders.com and @GrowingLeaders @TimElmore.

Used with permission. All content contained within this article is the property of Growing Leaders, Inc. and is protected by international copyright laws, and may not be reproduced, republished, distributed, transmitted, displayed, broadcast or otherwise exploited in any manner without the express prior written permission of Growing Leaders. Growing Leaders, Inc. names and logos and all related trademarks, tradenames, and other intellectual property are the property of Growing Leaders and cannot be used without its express prior written permission.

Check out who’s standing out in our community.

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE? Please email mlinder@thegcpc.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Alexis Michell Edmontson Alexis is a 16-year-old Flint resident and current student at Mott Middle College. This summer Alexis attended the virtual CADCA (Community Anti-Drug Coalitions of America) conference with a scholarship from the GCPC. Alexis was able to attend special youth-focused break-out sessions to learn how to create and maintain safe, healthy, and drug-free communities. Alexis is currently working at a community center in Flint that has a focus on giving food back to the community, growing connections, and bringing people together. During these uncertain times, Alexis has been using coping mechanisms such as deep breathing to handle stress.

Suamy Gutiérrez Suamy is an 18-year-old Flint resident and current student at the Genesee Early College, who focuses on programs in wellness and community service. Suamy currently works at the LatinX Technology Center where they focus on making the environment cleaner and constructing beneficial structures for the community. Suamy attended the virtual CADCA conference this summer and said, “I learned that Flint Michigan isn’t the only place that deals with teenage drug use and drinking...using drugs and drinking alcohol at a young age before the brain is fully developed can cause physical and mental problems and is most likely to create addicted adults.” To cope with stress, Suamy likes to listen to music and go for runs.

Tomàs Tello Tomàs Tello is a 16-year-old student at Genesee Early College. Tomàs works with the LatinX Leadership Academy to help maintain the land around the center and transform it into a park. At the virtual CADCA conference this summer, Tomàs learned how to properly organize and carry out prevention plans using the 6 P’s of Prevention (purpose, participation, proficiency, passion, perseverance, and power) and the Strategic Prevention Framework plan (assessment, capacity, prevention, implementation, and evaluation). Tomàs said he learned “...the different backgrounds we all originate from, and methods to combat the issues may vary. This is important because if one option doesn’t go as planned, there are always other options and your own creativity/judgement to help achieve a safer, brighter, substance abuse-free community.”

Trisha King Trisha is serving at the Genesee County Prevention Coalition as a Genesee County Opioid Prevention Americorps Vista member. She is passionate about creating sustainable changes in the areas of addiction and prevention. She has earned an associate’s degree in liberal arts and is currently working towards her certified alcohol and drug abuse counseling certificate, as well as a bachelor’s degree in social work. Previously as an Americorps member, Trisha has served in the community by teaching literacy to elementary school-aged children. Trisha also worked on increasing public safety in the Detroit area, as well as in the University Avenue Corridor area in Flint.

Andrea Keller Andrea is the Administrative Assistant at the Genesee County Prevention Coalition. She was born and raised in Genesee County, graduating from Mount Morris schools. She earned a Bachelor of Arts degree in psychology from Judson College in Elgin, Illinois. After residing in the Elgin area for nine years, she moved to Washington state, where she lived for 20 years. She is a wife, mother of two adult children, and a grandmother. Andrea spent 10 years as a self-employed publisher, while homeschooling her son, before returning to Michigan in 2013 to reside near family. Her career in nonprofits and education includes two terms of AmeriCorps service.

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.

Turn the page to learn more!

The 40 Developmental Assets® may be reproduced for educational, noncommercial uses only. Copyright © 1997 Search Institute® , 615 First Avenue NE, Suite 125, Minneapolis, MN 55413; 800-888-7828; www.search-institute.org. All rights reserved.

assets in action

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Photo Voice Project with Youth Ambassadors

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Mother and daughter working remotely

Learning to operate a professional camera

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Local youth, Tommy Chanter, participating in virtual learning

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

SUPPORT

1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support. 2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s). 3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults. 4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors. 5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment. 6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

EMPOWERMENT

7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth. 8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community. 9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week. 10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS

11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts. 12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences. 13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior. 14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior. 15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior. 16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts. 18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community. 19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution. 20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email mlinder@thegcpc.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.

Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.

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COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school. 22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning. 23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day. 24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school. 25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

POSITIVE VALUES

26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people. 27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty. 28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs. 29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.” 30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility. 31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

SOCIAL COMPETENCIES

32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices. 33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills. 34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds. 35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations. 36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

POSITIVE IDENTITY

37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.” 38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem. 39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.” 40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

Choosing pictures for their presentation

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Family is their fortress

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Maggie Chanter completing homework after a day of virtual learning

Youth Ambassadors