YC Magazine, Helena - June 2023

What to Do if You Think Your Child is Using

CONVEYING LOVE IN PARENTING

» Be Your Kid’s Brake: Setting Healthy Boundaries for Teens

» Effects of Acne: More Than Skin Deep

» A Great Reason for Taking Care of Yourself

Keiran Boyle. Senior, Capital High School: With any spare time that exists, Keiran finds a way to fill it. Currently he is the student representative to the school board for CHS, editor for Pen & Ink student publication, a member of the Advanced Orchestra with All-district and All-state recognition, active in State Leadership for Future Health Professionals (HOSA), a member of National Honors Society, a Varsity runner for Cross-country and Track, currently enrolled in or completed 20 Honors, Advanced, or AP classes, and a violinist for the Butte Symphony, all while applying for college. He will graduate this year as Valedictorian and is excited for next year as he has committed to attend Gonzaga University to study Pre-Law.

ABOUT YOUTH CONNECTIONS

Youth Connections is a coalition of over 1100 community members representing parents, educators, churches, youthserving organizations, businesses, and more who want to make Helena a healthy and supportive place for kids and families. Youth Connections recognizes the need to reduce negative behaviors including substance use and violence while also working to increase positive opportunities and mental wellness for all our local kids.

So how do we do that? We know there is no silver bullet to making communities great, and so we do LOTS of things that we know make communities better. We support agencies and businesses who offer youth activities because we know kids who are involved in positive activities aren’t involved in negative ones. We support student mentoring relationships because research shows it helps kids stay in school and be successful. We also know that when kids know better, they do better, so we support classroom education in the areas of bullying prevention and substance use prevention. Youth Connections also understands we must support the adults in kids’ lives and therefore we provide training, education, networks, and collaborative opportunities for parents and professionals to connect with others who care about kids.

Youth Connections is well known for its quarterly publication, YC Magazine, a resource for parents and the entire community. These are just some of the projects we’re working on to serve our mission of engaging our community to create environments where youth thrive and succeed. For a comprehensive list of activities, services, and ways you can get involved, please visit our website at www.youthconnectionscoalition.org.

It’s finally summer. It’s been a long, long winter. As great as summer is, it’s also a time for increased use among our youth. There’s a lot more unsupervised time which can mean boredom and/or increased access to substances that aren’t locked up. Additional freedom is part of growing up, so it’s important that we set safe parameters for them to do that.

The magazine committee has assembled a great slate of articles addressing issues that come up during summer. Our feature article by Dr. Len Lantz discusses conveying love in parenting. He discusses one of my favorite books, The Five Love Languages. If we as parents aren’t expressing love the way our kids want it, we’re not getting the full bang for our buck.

I also love how the staff of Natural High explain how adolescent brains work. I’ve heard it before. It’s like they’re driving a race car with no brakes. It’s our job as parents to be their brake.

Acne seems like it’s just something youth have to deal with, but we often don’t think about how it affects their mental health. We are fortunate to have an article to address this, written by our friends at Associated Dermatology.

We have an important article on parent self-care. Just like is stated on an airplane, “put your own mask on before assisting others,” it’s true in parenting too. We can’t take care of our kids and families if we have no gas left in the tank.

Lastly, I encourage you to read the Confessions of a Kitchen Table article. A mom from Missoula reached out with this sad story that, unfortunately, happens more than we know. It’s important for parents to understand the dangers of the high potency marijuana. It’s very addicting (one in four youth who start before the age of 15 will suffer with a cannabis use disorder), and it can cause psychosis. Visit https:// youthconnectionscoalition.org/resources/marijuana/ for resources and additional information.

Check out our Q&A, tips for a healthy and happy summer. Then we hope that you do, in fact, have a healthy and safe summer!

CAN’T GET ENOUGH GREAT RESOURCES? FOLLOW US:

Twitter: @Youthconx

Facebook (for parents): Youth Connections

Facebook (for kids): Find Your Spot

Instagram: @Youthconx

COLEEN SMITH

Opioids: Did You Know?

Even if a doctor prescribes an opioid, there are still risks when taking them, including addiction and overdose, which may lead to death.

Talk With Your Kids About the Facts.

In some cases, your doctor may prescribe an opioid to your child for things like surgery or a broken bone. Prescription opioids—when used long term or incorrectly—can cause the brain to become reliant on the drug and are extremely addictive.

Start talking with your kids about the facts. For tips on how—and when—to begin the conversation, visit www.underagedrinking.samhsa.gov

CONFESSIONS FROM THE KITCHEN TABLE

A Parent’s Story (AKA Nightmare)

My 20-year-old son (“K”) had two very serious cannabisinduced psychotic breaks in the last year and a half that were absolute hell.

Growing up, K played soccer, hockey, and tennis, and we all spent time together with family at the lake house every summer. He was never in trouble at school or had any trouble with the law.

In high school things seemed to change. He began spending huge amounts of time online playing games. They seemed to suck him into his room, and he became isolated. Looking back, he probably started smoking cannabis around his sophomore year, and his grades really got bad during his junior and senior years.

In his first semester of college, we thought he was a little depressed and maybe had anxiety. Then he flunked out, was suspended, and moved back home. We hadn’t realized he was NOT going to class and was smoking heavy amounts of cannabis.

Then he somehow got a medical marijuana card. Things got super weird with him, and we didn’t know why. We were arguing with him all the time regarding the way he was acting. His friends would call us and have to drive him home, as he was acting really strangely.

K left our house one night, and we thought he was staying with a friend. The next day my husband saw him standing in front of the homeless shelter. I immediately drove down there and found him. He was completely out of his mind. He was delusional and talking about being sent there by God. He had six interactions with law enforcement in one day.

K thought some of the homeless were his friends, and they eventually stole his car and everything in it. Fearing for his safety, we involuntarily committed him to the psychiatric hospital for three weeks. The psychiatrist told us it was Cannabis Induced Psychosis, and he should never smoke again, or this would probably happen again. We couldn’t believe that cannabis could do this to someone.

Thinking our son would NEVER smoke cannabis again, the second psychotic break came as a surprise eight months later, and it was way worse.

After finding out, we told him to either move out or stop smoking.

He packed up everything he had into his replaced car and left town. He got acquainted with a 48-year-old guy who had been in prison. This man convinced K to drive down to California with him. Our son had enough money from a tax refund and his last check to head to California. He told us where he was on the rare occasions he answered his phone, but he wouldn’t tell us for sure exactly where. From what we understand, he went to Seattle, Portland, and down to California.

We were desperate, and I reported him as a missing person and tracked him on Snapchat. We didn’t know if he was dead or alive. I spoke with law enforcement all through California and informed them of what was going on. Because I had him listed as a missing person, law enforcement would call anytime there was interaction. Since my son was in psychosis, he was very vulnerable and had no idea or insight about people or places.

K was tased at a homeless camp, stayed in ANTIFA homeless camps, slept by a dumpster, and the man he was traveling with stole his car with everything he owned in it.

He would call intermittently but was so delusional he had no idea what was really going on. He was arrested in California for stealing a car he thought was his, and spent the night in jail. He finally called but was so delusional, we couldn’t have a clear conversation.

Because the sheriff’s deputy saw he was reported missing, they called me. After explaining what was going on, they decided to have him involuntarily committed. K stayed in a California psychiatric hospital for another three weeks; then my husband and I drove down to bring him home.

He now knows he has to stop using marijuana. He has a treatment plan, and we are holding him accountable. He is doing well.

We know now our son has Cannabis Use Disorder and Cannabis Induced Psychosis and will continue to have psychotic breaks whenever he uses weed. We had NO idea this could happen from using marijuana; it’s NOT what everyone thinks it is.

Cannabis addiction and psychosis are real. If your family is experiencing what we have, don’t be afraid to ask for help ■

YOU CAN SUBMIT YOUR STORY AT: coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org

For many of us the kitchen table represents the typical family experience. We have laughed while having family game night. We have cried over our children’s choices. We have blown out the candles on many cakes. We have argued our way out of doing the dishes. We have struggled through those “three more bites.” We have learned hard lessons and celebrated many deserved successes. One thing is for sure though—if our kitchen tables could talk, there would be plenty of stories! So often it is in relating to others’ stories that we realize there isn’t always one answer, or even a right answer. Parenting is hard work! If you have a story of lessons learned, we invite you to share it with our readers. Sometimes, knowing we aren’t the only ones struggling to find the answer is all the help we need.

IN PARENTINGconveying love

PARENTING

By LEN LANTZ, M.D.

AN EYE-OPENING EXPERIENCE

I was at my computer the other day because I decided that I wanted to continue writing about effective approaches to parenting. To get my creative juices flowing, I decided to do a little internet search. I was looking for the top internet searches on parenting to find out what information parents wanted to know, so I typed “How can I get my child”—and my heart sank at the first phrase Google autopopulated: “to stop hating me.”

Well, that made me feel sick to my stomach. I shared my experience over dinner, and we started wondering if people really were looking up these phrases on the internet. My daughter grabbed her phone and entered the search phrase “How to get my mother,” and Google supplied the rest: “to love me.” Taken aback, she then tried the search phrase “How to get my father,” and Google supplied the rest of the phrase “to love me.” We guessed that these were frequent teenage searches, so I decided to try it. I entered “How to get my mother” and Google supplied the rest of the phrase “into a nursing home!” In full disclosure (and before you rat me out to my mother), I have not been searching for information on nursing homes. While my daughter and I have not been searching for answers to these questions, people in our respective age groups probably are.

THE LOVE DISCONNECT

If it’s true that a sizeable number of kids are not perceiving love from their parents, then I think we need to ensure that our parenting approaches include something very basic: the communication of love. Are we as parents effectively conveying our love to our children? I don’t mean for any of this to sound critical or accusatory. I ask myself these same questions. It’s one thing to love your children with lots of hugs and kisses, and hopefully you do. However, it’s important to consider whether you are conveying your love for them in a manner that they can see it, hear it, and feel it the most.

Books have been written about conveying love to your kids. Some of the best known are The 5 Love Languages of Children: The Secret to Loving Children Effectively by Gary Chapman and Ross Campbell and How to Really Love Your Child by Ross Campbell. The first book does a great job of explaining that each person has a different love language, a preferred way of understanding and receiving love. You might have a different love language than your child. Have you ever done something really nice for your child only to have it blow up in your face? Not speaking your child’s love language could have been one of the reasons why. The second book gives some very concrete ways of conveying

continued on page 9

STORYTIME IN THE PARKS returns for summer 2023!

Enjoy 30 minutes of stories, songs, rhymes, and more. Library services will be offered at the Lewis & Clark Library Bookmobile after the storytime program. These programs are geared towards children between the ages of 3 to 8 years old but everyone is welcome. Cancellations due to weather will be posted by 9:30 am the day of the event on the library website, www.lclibrary.org, and social media accounts @LewisandClarkLibraryHelena and @LCLBookmobile. Don’t forget your sunscreen and a blanket to sit on! Thursday, June 29th | 10 am

Thursday, June 15th | 10 am

continued from page 7

love to kids beyond saying, “I love you.” Many of the suggestions involve nonverbal communication of love.

The way you express your love as a parent (and want to receive it) is important. But if you want your significant other and your kids to know the full measure of your love for them, you might need to intentionally communicate your love for them in the way it resonates best for them. If you ever wonder, “Whose love language matters most?” in conveying love to your child, the answer is theirs

Conveying love effectively is probably one of the best and most important starting points in parenting and developing a healthy and enduring relationship with your child.

WHAT DOES RESEARCH HAVE TO SAY ABOUT PARENTAL LOVE AND EFFECTIVE PARENTING?

Very little. While there are many useful research findings on parent-child relationships, most of the research on parenting and parental love centers on childhood well-being and outcomes through the lens of parent-child bonding/ attachment, rather than parental efficacy studies. Consider this statement:

Kids who feel good act good.

In my 20+ years of working with kids and parents, I have found that statement to be generally true for most kids, most of the time. It’s not saying that kids who misbehave are not feeling loved, but it helps kids and their parents to have a more stable footing in their relationship when love is effectively conveyed. Kids who have a strong sense that they are loved feel more secure, have more positive feelings toward their parents, and have a greater sense of emotional well-being.

COMPARING INDEPENDENT RESEARCH AND THE 5 LOVE LANGUAGES

If the research on parental love is limited, then we need a framework for learning how to effectively convey our love to our children. While I’m not aware of any research that directly looks at the accuracy of The 5 Love Languages of Children, there is independent research that supports the 5 Love Languages (5LL) categories in couples’ research. Drs. Chapman and Campbell use the same 5LLs for kids as they do for adults:

• Physical Touch

• Words of Affirmation

• Quality Time

• Gifts

• Acts of Service

I also found two recent research studies that might shed some light on the accuracy

of 5LL for children. In one study by Sabey and colleagues, researchers interviewed 52 families of children (ages three to seven) and found that the children perceived love along five different categories:

• Playing or doing activities together

• Demonstrating affection (physical and verbal)

• Creating structure

• Helping or supporting

• Giving gifts or treats

In the other study by McNeely and Barber, the researchers surveyed and studied 4,300 adolescents (ages 14–17) from 12 different nations and found five different categories of perceived love:

• Emotional and companionate support (affection and encouragement)

• Moral guidance and advice (modeling/teaching moral behavior)

• Instrumental support (buy/provide necessities and things I want, help me)

• Allow freedoms (watching tv, using a cell phone)

• Show respect or trust

If you compare the findings of the two groups of researchers and the 5LLs, you can see many similarities.

THE NUTS AND BOLTS OF CONVEYING LOVE

I’m going to provide you with some rules of thumb for conveying love to your kids. I believe that Drs. Chapman and Campbell did us a big favor by creating strategies and frameworks for discussing and improving our communication of love to our children, but their advice does not take us the entire way. Here are some ideas of where to start:

Use your child’s love language: If you don’t instinctually know your child’s love language(s), consider reading The 5 Love Languages of Children. It’s a quick and easy read that will help you explore your own love language and will help you in all of your close relationships. The book also contains suggested activities for each love language and a “Love Languages Mystery Game” to help you learn from your child about their primary love languages.

Be focused when showing love: Love does not multi-task.

When you are communicating love to your child, it’s important to be near them, share your positive nonverbal love and affection (positive eye contact, positive physical contact), not be distracted by other people or other tasks, and not mix your expression of love with your other needs for your child (non-related instructions or information).

Love has no “buts”: Love does not send mixed signals.

It’s important to avoid sending kids mixed signals. Especially when you are conveying love to your kids, it is not the time to tell them how frustrating they can be, give them gifts with strings attached, or guilt trip them into reciprocating something special you did for them.

Develop the habit of conveying love: Sharing love daily is not too often. Speaking your child’s love language regularly does not mean buying them toys or giving them a cookie every day, even if their love language primarily is receiving gifts. Kids can receive your love in other ways than gifts alone; however, sharing your love with them often involves a little bit of your time. What habits or routines can you develop to intentionally show your love to your child every day?

A NOTE TO FATHERS

Most parenting research focuses on mothers and children (and it is not uncommon for children to express feeling especially close to their mothers), so fathers might need to be especially proactive in figuring out what the most effective means are for them to convey their love to their children. One researcher pointed out that fathers might express love differently with their children. If you think that there might be a discrepancy between how you are attempting to show love (for example, working long hours to provide for your family) and how your kids are receiving it, it’s time for you to reassess your strategy. Check in periodically with your kids and make sure you are speaking their love language so that they really know how much you love them.

YOU CAN CONVEY LOVE EFFECTIVELY TO YOUR CHILD

Parenting can be one of the best and most rewarding things you ever do. It can also be one of the most challenging and frustrating things you’ve ever imagined. Effectively conveying your love for your child is a wonderful foundation to build your relationship with your child and establish your parenting style. You can know with certainty that they understand—at a very deep level—how much you love them. Love won’t solve all your problems as a parent, but it will help. It will help both you and your child get through tough times together with your relationship intact and it will help your relationship stand the test of time. If you are not already doing it, start intentionally speaking your child’s love language today! ■

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE?

Please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Emma Perez HAWTHORNE ELEMENTARY, 4TH GRADE

Emma is new to Hawthorne this year. Though quite shy and quiet at times, she is such a kind young lady, especially to those who may be lonely or in need of a friend. Emma is a quiet leader who exemplifies respectful and responsible behavior. She works hard each day, models positive and productive behavior for others, helps those around her without being asked, and takes fantastic care of the students at her school. Not only is she a model for the other students, she knows how to make others feel valued and a part of the school community.

Tiber Jones EAST VALLEY MIDDLE SCHOOL, 6TH GRADE

Tiber is a 12-year-old student at East Valley Middle School in East Helena. For the past seven years, Tiber has participated in saddle bronc and bareback riding competitions. Tiber qualified for the Junior World Finals in 2018, 2019, 2020, and 2021. His highest finish came in the 2021 Junior World Finals in Las Vegas, Nevada, with a 3rd place finish in bareback riding. In fact, his favorite event to compete in is bareback riding. He says it’s just simpler than saddle bronc riding. Tiber has a goal of making the National Finals Rodeo (NFR) when he grows up. When he isn’t participating in rodeo, he loves to play sports, such as baseball, football, and wrestling.

Melaina Kloberdanz HELENA HIGH SCHOOL, SENIOR

Melaina has taken advanced classes during high school, works, and maintains a 3.86 gpa. Even more impressive is her character and leadership. She is involved in seven different clubs, including BPA, DECA, Key Club, NHS, Science Club, Mock Trial, and Travel Club, holding an officer position in each of these. She has also been involved in the Science Olympiad and Science Bowl. She participates in everything, including holiday baskets for food insecure families, Halloween at HHS to provide safe trick or treating for area youth, spokesperson at assemblies and dances, our annual food drive, and more. Melaina is willing to take on multiple tasks, leads others by example, genuinely cares about her fellow classmates and her community, and is one of the kindest human beings.

Dr. Len Lantz BIG SKY PSYCHIATRY

Dr. Len Lantz is an adult and pediatric psychiatrist and a Clinical Associate Professor in Psychiatry at the University of Washington School of Medicine. Dr. Lantz is the editor of The Psychiatry Resource (psychiatryresource.com), and his debut book, unJoy: Hope and Help for 7 Million Christians with Depression, was published in 2022. He is a Distinguished Fellow both in the American Psychiatric Association and the American Academy of Child and Adolescent Psychiatry, and he serves on the state councils of both organizations. Dr. Lantz maintains a clinical practice at Big Sky Psychiatry in Helena. He is passionate about helping kids and families thrive. We are fortunate that Dr. Lantz allows us to reprint his awesome articles!

Thrivent Pinnacle Financial Advisors COMMUNITY PARTNER

Autumn Keller, Wealth Advisor with Thrivent Pinnacle Financial Advisors of Helena, has a heart for the Helena community. Autumn’s practice empowers non-profits with education and financial resources, which in turn impacts people in our communities through support to organizations such as Intermountain Children’s Services, Impact Montana, Helena Food Share, Montana Supporting Military, and The Friendship Center. Building relationships is at the center of all she does as her team works to provide opportunities both within her practice and through her client relationships to express gratitude in meaningful, intentional, and purposeful ways.

Check out who’s standing out in our community.

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40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.

assets in action

40 DEVELOPMENTAL ASSETS

SUPPORT

1. Family support: Family life provides high levels of love and support.

2. Positive family communication: Young person and her or his parent(s) communicate positively, and young person is willing to seek advice and counsel from parent(s).

3. Other adult relationships: Young person receives support from three or more nonparent adults.

4. Caring neighborhood: Young person experiences caring neighbors.

5. Caring school climate: School provides a caring, encouraging environment.

6. Parent involvement in school: Parent(s) are actively involved in helping young person succeed in school.

EMPOWERMENT

7. Community values youth: Young person perceives that adults in the community value youth.

8. Youth as resources: Young people are given useful roles in the community.

9. Service to others: Young person serves in the community one hour or more per week.

10. Safety: Young person feels safe at home, at school, and in the neighborhood.

BOUNDARIES & EXPECTATIONS

11. Family boundaries: Family has clear rules and consequences and monitors the young person’s whereabouts.

12. School boundaries: School provides clear rules and consequences.

13. Neighborhood boundaries: Neighbors take responsibility for monitoring young people’s behavior.

15

14. Adult role models: Parent(s) and other adults model positive, responsible behavior.

15. Positive peer influence: Young person’s best friends model responsible behavior.

16. High expectations: Both parent(s) and teachers encourage the young person to do well.

CONSTRUCTIVE USE OF TIME

17. Creative activities: Young person spends three or more hours per week in lessons or practice in music, theater, or other arts.

18. Youth programs: Young person spends three or more hours per week in sports, clubs, or organizations at school and/or in the community.

19. Religious community: Young person spends one or more hours per week in activities in a religious institution.

20. Time at home: Young person is out with friends “with nothing special to do” two or fewer nights per week.

Girl Scouts selling cookies to support their projects

Bruin Pure Performance members advocating for prevention at the Capitol

HMS students enjoying the chess board in the library

CR Anderson orchestra students attending workshop at UM

If you or your child would like to submit a picture that represents one of the 40 Developmental Assets, please email coleen@youthconnectionscoalition.org with a picture and the number of the asset the picture represents.

Not all pictures are guaranteed publication.

COMMITMENT TO LEARNING

21. Achievement motivation: Young person is motivated to do well in school.

22. School engagement: Young person is actively engaged in learning.

23. Homework: Young person reports doing at least one hour of homework every school day.

24. Bonding to school: Young person cares about her or his school.

25. Reading for pleasure: Young person reads for pleasure three or more hours per week.

POSITIVE VALUES

26. Caring: Young person places high value on helping other people.

27. Equality and social justice: Young person places high value on promoting equality and reducing hunger and poverty.

28. Integrity: Young person acts on convictions and stands up for her or his beliefs.

29. Honesty: Young person “tells the truth even when it is not easy.”

30. Responsibility: Young person accepts and takes personal responsibility.

31. Restraint: Young person believes it is important not to be sexually active or to use alcohol or other drugs.

SOCIAL COMPETENCIES

32. Planning and decision making: Young person knows how to plan ahead and make choices.

33. Interpersonal competence: Young person has empathy, sensitivity, and friendship skills.

34. Cultural competence: Young person has knowledge of and comfort with people of different cultural/racial/ethnic backgrounds.

35. Resistance skills: Young person can resist negative peer pressure and dangerous situations.

36. Peaceful conflict resolution: Young person seeks to resolve conflict nonviolently.

POSITIVE IDENTITY

37. Personal power: Young person feels he or she has control over “things that happen to me.”

38. Self-esteem: Young person reports having a high self-esteem.

39. Sense of purpose: Young person reports that “my life has a purpose.”

40. Positive view of personal future: Young person is optimistic about her or his personal future.

4-H member showing off ribbon after cooking competition

Students having fun with a fellow classmate

Students and families at Kessler enjoying story time

Eagle Scout project was making coping pillows for kids needing comfort

BE YOUR KID’S BRAKE:

Setting Healthy Boundaries For Teens

By NATURAL HIGH STAFF

WHY YOUR KIDS LOVE AND HATE THE BOUNDARIES YOU SET

In this article, we’ll explore why guardrails are important, and how parents and educators can establish the most effective boundaries for our kids so they may make the best choices as it relates to their experiences with alcohol and drugs.

Do you remember as a teenager how much energy you spent trying to work your way around the restrictions your parents set for you? My mom is still finding out about the different times I snuck out, snuck around, and was up to something she had no clue about. And, she still gets mad about it!

On one hand, teenagers can’t stand boundaries and restrictions. And, they have excellent reasons, really. Developmentally, they’re in an important phase where they’re trying to figure out life on their own and prepare for a time soon coming when they will be responsible for themselves. They need to discover where the boundaries really are and carve out a path that’s most suitable for them.

They want to stay up late. They want to watch what they want to watch. They want unlimited access to technology. They want freedom to go wherever they want, when they want. They want to discover how life will work best for them.

Parents, we know that’s a big part of the process. We know that we have to give more and more freedom and responsibility to our teenage children. In fact, we want to. We want to see them become more mature, wise, and thoughtful about how they steward their lives.

We know how the teenage years are an intense time of training for life. It’s a stressful time for them, not to mention for us. They’re under constant pressure to perform well academically, to fit in with their peers, and to make choices about their future as much as choices for their wardrobe. With so much stress and pressure, it’s no wonder they make some careless mistakes.

And, we also want them to be safe and make smart choices. We know how their developing brains have yet to grasp the wisdom they need to manage their own lives effectively. They still need us, although it looks different from when they were younger. They need us to start to serve as their coach and guide

and steer them away from harm and towards experiences and choices that will assist them in growing up well.

SETTING BOUNDARIES WITH TEENS

Here’s the deal. As much as teens grate against the rules, restrictions, and boundaries adults set for them—they still need them. They aren’t wise enough (yet) to make the best choices for themselves. They lack the context, life experience, and ability to see how their current choices will affect them in the future. They need help in the form of guidance and especially through boundaries and guardrails we set for them. That’s our responsibility. We need to continue operating as their brake as they push down the gas pedal.

In fact, even though they roll their eyes and argue at every turn, they know deep down that the restrictions we set for them express our love and concern for them. Kids who have adults in their lives who give them too much freedom too early often develop a deep-seated belief that they aren’t valuable or worthy, and they carry that fundamental belief with them into adulthood.

The problem is, teens will never match their freedom with responsibility. Their wise decision-making brain functioning hasn’t fully developed yet. Making mistakes is a key part of growing up, and kids learn to make

better decisions by experiencing the natural consequences of their actions.

With substance use, though, the potential negative consequences for their health and future are too much to gamble with. Wellintentioned parents will often recall their own early experiences with substance use with a touch of nostalgia while forgetting to remember the actual details or reality of harm those experiences had on their life.

What we know:

• Kids who delay their first drink of alcohol until past their 18th birthday will have an infinitely higher likelihood of avoiding a lifelong struggle with alcohol.

• Most addiction problems start during the teenage years.

• The teenage brain will get permanently altered to crave more and more risky behaviors if they indulge in substance use and the subsequent dopamine rush their brains enjoy.

• Teens are hypersensitive to their perception of their friend’s behaviors, and they grossly overestimate how many of their peers use drugs and alcohol.

• Teens underestimate how harmful substances like marijuana or prescription painkillers are.

• Substance use can lead to death — through a dangerous combination of substances, overdose, or automobile crashes.

Your kids don’t know these facts. They probably won’t believe them, either.

The thing is, they don’t need to believe these facts for you to keep them safe. You can create safety by establishing expectations, boundaries, and guardrails.

Whether it’s a curfew, a promise to say no to any offer of alcohol or drugs, a GPSlinked app to make sure you know their location, or a restriction to attend parties or late night activities, it’s important for every family to clearly communicate and enforce guardrails. Your teens won’t like it. They won’t understand it. But, they don’t need to. And, ironically, later on they will be able to understand that your strictness was an expression of your love

for them. ■

The problem is, teens will never match their freedom with responsibility. Their wise decisionmaking brain functioning hasn’t fully developed yet.

article was reprinted with permission. Natural High is a youth drug prevention and life skills program that provides easy, effective, and fun resources for educators, mentors, and parents to deliver protective measures in a relevant way through storytelling. The Storyteller library contains a roster of 40+ Natural High Storytellers — athletes, artists, musicians, designers — people who kids admire and trust. Their flexible curriculum offers videos, discussion questions, and activities. It can be used to meet a variety of needs, from brief 10-15-minute discussions to project-based work that takes place across multiple days or class periods.

EFFECTS OF ACNE: more than skin deep

By LINDSAY MCCARTHY FNP-C, DCNP

Most of us have had some type of acne at some point in our lives. It typically shows up around middle school age when outward appearance becomes almost an obsession. Although acne is a common skin condition, it’s important for parents to be aware of how it may be affecting your tween or teen. Even just a few zits can have a significant impact on self-image, confidence, and happiness. These effects can linger into high school and adulthood and have a profound impact on mental health. How young adults navigate the hormonal changes of their skin can vary. You may notice grooming routines become increasingly time consuming, or your son or daughter no longer wants to participate in social activities they used to enjoy. Acne may not be avoidable, but understanding how it can impact the developmental process of adolescence is a first step in mitigating its potential negative effects on your teen.

Egocentrism refers to a stage of development typically between 11 and 16 years of age where kids are learning how to form their own thoughts and sense of identity. It is a normal and necessary process of growing up. Children in this stage tend to be very self-involved and extremely self-conscious. Physiological development also plays an important role at this age as well. Hormonal changes kick in. The skin starts to produce more oil and pores enlarge. Certain areas, like the face, become a prime site for black heads, pustules, and cysts to appear. Great timing, right? Imagine feeling like all eyes are on you and now your face has a scattering of bumps and red spots. Even though this is likely not the reality, young adults at this age struggle to separate their thoughts from the thoughts of others around them. Having acne during this time of development can have a significant impact on how a child navigates through this tumultuous time. Even mild acne has been shown to contribute to feelings of low self-esteem, poor self-image, and anxiety. Studies have shown that the longer acne lasts, the more likely it will have a negative impact on mental health. If left untreated, acne can get worse and, in some cases, lead to permanent scarring.

If acne seems to be taking its toll on your child’s well-being, getting started on treatment will not only improve their outward appearance, but can also help improve self-esteem and emotional wellbeing. There are numerous acne treatments available over the counter as well as by prescription. The available options and different approaches to treatment can be overwhelming. The journey can be frustrating for both parent and child. The following tips can assist you in helping your son or daughter feel better on outside as well as on the inside.

GET STARTED ON TREATMENT EARLY

Acne can get worse if left untreated. Clogged pores and pimples can progress

into deeper cystic lesions. Studies have shown that early treatment helps prevent worsening acne and potential for scarring. Over-the-counter acne treatments are a great place to start and are easily accessible. Getting your child started on an acne treatment is also a great way to practice consistency. The success of managing acne depends on the regular and consistent use of whatever treatment modality is being used. Just the act of getting your tween in the habit of washing with a gentle cleanser will help prepare them for any future skin care regimens that may be needed.

MANAGE EXPECTATIONS

There are no acne treatments that work overnight. Acne treatments take time to kick in. Topical medications typically take at least six to eight weeks to start to improve acne. Stopping an acne wash or cream before that time frame may only postpone the desired result. Unless acne is worsening or the treatment is causing irritation, encourage your child to stick with it for at least four weeks before making a change in treatment.

It’s also important to recognize what your and your child’s goals are for treatment. Are you looking for absolutely clear skin? Are a few small zits tolerable? Identifying what the objective is in treatment will help clarify when you need to see a dermatology provider and how they can help you in your child’s treatment goals.

TAKE ACNE SERIOUSLY

Most of us have or have had acne. Although acne is common, it is important not to normalize the negative impact it can have on emotional development and mental health. Numerous studies have demonstrated that people who suffer from acne are at risk for developing anxiety and depression. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to the negative consequences that acne can have. The severity of acne does not correlate to the severity of impact it may be having on them emotionally. Take acne seriously. Acne may fade over time, but its impact on mental health can last a lifetime. ■

Although acne is common, it is important not to normalize the negative impact it can have on emotional development and mental health. Numerous studies have demonstrated that people who suffer from acne are at risk for developing anxiety and depression. Adolescents are particularly vulnerable to the negative consequences that acne can have. The severity of acne does not correlate to the severity of impact it may be having on them emotionally.

What are some tips to ensure my kids have a healthy and safe summer?

Summer break is a great time to get healthy and enjoy the warmer weather. A few simple rules can help beat the heat and be safe.

BE SUN SMART: It is never too early to take care of your skin. In fact, most sun damage happens before the age of 18. Sunscreen is a great tool, but it can only go so far. In addition to the SPF 50, don’t forget to cover up with a hat and seek shade when you can.

WATCH YOUR WATER: A child’s body is up to 70% percent water. It is easy to see why staying hydrated is key to their brains and bodies working as they should. In the summer heat when we run and sweat, we lose water quickly. When going out, always plan ahead and pack water. When your water is half gone, your outing should be half over. And remember, don’t drink unfiltered and untreated water, from a lake, river, or creek.

GET THE RIGHT GEAR: Just as you wouldn’t go sky diving without a parachute, you shouldn’t embark on any adventure without the right equipment. Do your research, and plan ahead so you don’t end up in a tight spot. As the Boy Scouts say, “Be Prepared!” This could include everything from sturdy shoes to life jackets. But don’t just pack the life jackets, be sure to wear them.

HEAT AND HYGIENE: With the heat, comes the sweat. With the sweat, comes the smell. Address hygiene for health AND social wellness. The American Academy of Dermatology tells us that teens should bathe daily. They also recommend teens wash their face twice a day to battle breakouts that can be aggravated by heat and sweat.

STAY ON A SLEEP SCHEDULE: Longer days, and shorter nights, can make it easy to stay up late. But don’t throw bedtimes and routines out the window. Routines are important to keep the whole family well rested and well regulated.

SKIP THE SCREEN TIME: Along with the longer days and nights comes warmer weather. That means more outdoor time. Find activities and encourage your kiddos to exercise and enjoy the benefits of warmer weather. TV is easy, but truly meaningful memories are made outdoors.

So soak up the shade, drink lots of water, and stay safe to enjoy all summer has to offer.

The percentage of Americans who know the sun is a star

40,000

The number of toilet related injuries in the U.S. per year

200

The number of muscles used to take a step

100

The number of years an alligator can live to

6

The milligrams of caffeine in one ounce of milk chocolate

17,000

The number of strawfuls of water it would take to fill a bathtub

A GREAT REASON

for taking care of yourself

By LEN LANTZ, M.D.

Many parents sacrifice their own needs for their kids. They’ll go without comforts or even necessities so that they can help their kids as much as possible. This is noble. It’s a way of loving their kids and, possibly, providing for their kids in ways they wish they had experienced as kids themselves. I’ve met so many parents who grew up in poverty or had tough family situations, and these parents want to give a better childhood to their kids. So, they make sacrifices.

There can be a problem with sacrificing for your kids —you can take it too far. Especially if you are neglecting your physical and mental health because of money, time constraints, or being too busy taking care of everyone but yourself. If that sounds like you, I want you to know that you might need to change your approach. Sacrificing your health is a tradeoff that usually does not pay off in the end. Why?

Your kids need you to be healthy. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of them. What’s worse, when your physical and mental health ultimately break down, they will have to take care of you. Lastly, if you are struggling because of your physical and mental health, you are more likely to be irritable and lose control of your anger and anxiety, which can negatively affect your relationship with your kids.

Your emotions are valid. And, frankly, sometimes kids are quite naughty and rude, but when you lose control of your emotions, it becomes much harder to parent. It often leaves you feeling miserable and, sometimes, depressed and guilty. So, while your emotions are valid, not all expressions of emotions are. And when you blow up at your kids, especially if it becomes a pattern, it harms your relationship with them.

Thankfully, there are some basic steps in self-care that you can take to help you get better control of your emotions.

WHEN DO YOU KNOW THAT YOU ARE OVERDUE FOR SOME SELF-CARE?

If you find that you frequently are irritable (snapping at or criticizing others) or that you are exploding in anger, this is a sign that it’s time to take a step back and look at some of the drivers of anger and irritability. Or, maybe you don’t think that you are having problems but then you hear this from one of your kids or loved ones:

“You’re always yelling” or “You’re always mad at me.”

• “You only come to talk to me about negative things.”

• “You always have a migraine.”

• “You’re never here” or “You’re always at work.”

• “You’re always in bed depressed or in pain.”

• “You drink too much” or “You’re high all the time.”

If the people in your life are giving you this type of feedback, you are overdue for self-care. It’s time to take a deep breath, listen, and decide to take positive action in your physical and mental health—because the important people in your life are telling you that it’s taking a toll on your relationship with them. Besides, parenting is a lot of work. Your job as a parent should not always be to give, give, give. Taking care of yourself must be one of your top priorities.

TAKE THE TIME TO CHARGE UP YOUR BATTERIES

It takes a lot of energy to be a parent, so it’s important to regularly take time to care for

yourself and restore your energy and your outlook. You can improve your sense of wellbeing, and self-care will help you to feel your best. What gives you the most energy in life? Here is just a short list of things you might consider doing to nurture yourself:

• Get enough sleep

• Exercise

• Embrace solitude through alone time

• Pray or meditate

• Spend time in positive social activities

• Engage in activities that make you smile/laugh

• Schedule (and then take) a vacation

• Get a massage

• Relax in a sauna, hot tub, or bath

• Get out into nature

• Sing or play music

• Read for pleasure

Do any of these activities appeal to you? Is there something else you would add to this list? I would encourage you to write down your own list of five or more activities that routinely lift you up. When you are feeling low, demoralized, or frustrated, it’s probably time for you to pick something from the list and do a restorative activity.

WHAT IF IT’S MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT?

If some of the problems you are facing are not easily solved with regular selfcare, then I would encourage you to start taking proactive, incremental steps to address whatever situation you are facing. I realize that solving some of these problems might not be easy, but, as a starting point, you could meet with your primary care physician if you are having a health problem or a therapist/counselor if you are struggling with your mood or anxiety. Getting help from a trusted person is a great way to start finding solutions or making progress in complex situations. The goal is to take the first step and push past avoidance of change when you know you need to fix a problem.

Taking care of yourself is a great starting point for controlling your emotions in parenting, and you’ll love the results. You will be a happier person, and all of your relationships will likely be better. ■

Your kids need you to be healthy. If you do not take care of yourself, you will not be able to take care of them. What’s worse, when your physical and mental health ultimately break down, they will have to take care of you.

WHAT TO DO if you think your child is using

By JEN BURCKHARD, Director of Community Services, Florence Crittenton Family Services

All parents worry about their child’s safety, and as children grow, so does our concern. Developmentally, teens need to explore and challenge themselves. This sometimes involves taking risks, including experimenting with drugs and alcohol. Substance use is an ever-present concern for parents and can be a difficult topic to address. Below are some strategies that may be helpful as you prepare:

ADDRESS THE BEHAVIOR

Clearly communicate your family values and expectations. Parents often use general statements like “be good” or “be safe,” without explaining what that means in your family. Instead, set limits about specific behaviors that you want to see and don’t want to see. Providing consequences, boundaries, and reinforcement for behavior can be helpful.

ASK AND LISTEN—AVOID LECTURES

As adults it can be challenging to avoid lectures because we desperately want to impart wisdom and help our children avoid mistakes. It is beneficial to ask questions that foster curiosity and thinking rather than lecturing. We want to encourage our youth to seek answers on their own; this can be achieved by utilizing active listening skills such as open-ended questions and reflective statements. Remember to listen WITHOUT judgment.

KNOW WHEN AND HOW TO INTERVENE

It is time to intervene if you suspect or are aware that your teen is using substances regularly or notice significant changes, such as:

• Sudden and/or extreme change in friends, eating, sleeping habits, frequent request for money

• Change in school habits- unusually poor attendance or grades

• Irresponsible behavior, poor judgment, and general lack of interest in hobbies

• Increase in rebellious behavior, avoidance/withdrawal from family Be sure to address it. Teens who use substances have an increased risk of developing a substance use disorder. If you are concerned about your child, it may be beneficial to have a professional assessment done. There are many organizations that can provide assessments and guidance for the next steps, but a good place to start is with your pediatrician. Having an open conversation with the pediatrician will open the door to a referral for assessment, and treatment options if necessary. If you are not sure if your child’s change in behavior should be of concern, you can find a detailed list of signs and symptoms, as well as information about specific substances, on the website for the Adolescent Substance Use and Addiction Program at Boston Children’s Hospital (https://www.childrenshospital.org). ■