How to Ask for Help INDEPENDENCE:

By LEN LANTZ, M.D.

It seems wrong until you think it through:

To become independent, you must become good at getting help.

This statement doesn’t seem true to many people until they mull it over long enough, but I promise you that learning to request and receive help is an essential ingredient to the self-sufficiency that I’m referring to as independence.

I’m not talking about extremes, such as living the life of a mountain man in a cabin without electricity or subsisting as a survivalist with a bunker stocked with weapons and canned food. From my perspective, independence involves:

+ Level-headedness and self-control

+ Resilience

+ Problem-solving skills and creativity

+ Personal responsibility

+ Effectiveness and success

+ Practicality

+ A broad knowledge base with an understanding of systems

+ Knowing when and how to ask for help

Just labeling yourself an independent person does not make it so. Independent people have developed many skills and characteristics that helped them to become and remain independent. Asking for and receiving help is a critical strategy that helped them get there. Learning how to effectively get help from others is a critical skill for kids to learn.

Gaining Independence Is A Part Of Development

What are the basics of raising a child? You know, the bare minimum. If you had to list only five things, what would they be? Here are some things that crossed my mind:

1. Feed and clothe your child.

2. Don’t beat or berate them.

3. Make sure they brush their teeth and go to school.

4. Let them know they are loved.

5. Have some fun together.

It’s interesting though that doing those basic things for kids won’t really get them ready to enter the world as an adult. Also, it’s not clear that our school systems will teach kids basic living skills. Kids can go to school and never learn how to:

+ Budget or balance their checking account

+ Set boundaries with unhealthy people

+ Present themselves well in a job interview

+ Save and invest money for retirement

Even adults struggle to develop these life skills. People can benefit from books, the internet, and online videos to gain these skills, but often they need more specific help

You’ve thought about it. Talked about it. Daydreamed about it. And talked about it some more. Now get a plan designed to make it happen. We’ll tailor your personalized financial plan to your life and priorities, because our version of financial planning starts with you. Ready to go for it? Today’s the day.

LET’S GET STARTED

Colby Staloch

Managing Director

111 West Cherry St, Suite 200 Mankato, MN 56001 colby.staloch@nm.com

507-625-9400 continued from page 7 from another person to move beyond the basics. But before you ask for help, you might want to consider a few factors that can affect the experience.

07-1002 © 2022. Northwestern Mutual is the marketing name for The Northwestern Mutual Life Insurance Company (NM) (life and disability Insurance, annuities, and life insurance with long-term care benefits) and its subsidiaries. Subsidiaries include: Northwestern Mutual Investment Services, LLC (NMIS) (investment brokerage services), a registered investment adviser, broker-dealer, and member of FINRA and SIPC. Northwestern Mutual Wealth Management Company® (NMWMC) (investment advisory and trust services), a federal savings bank. Not all Northwestern Mutual representatives are advisors. Only those representatives with “advisor” in their title or who otherwise disclose their status as an advisor of NMWMC are credentialed as NMWMC representatives to provide investment advisory services. NM and its subsidiaries are in Milwaukee, WI. To view detailed disclosures regarding individual representatives, view their information at www.colbystaloch.com.

Developing A Growth Mindset

In building independence, I believe people need to adopt a growth mindset. It is incredibly hard to change behavior if you don’t believe that you can. A growth mindset is about adopting attitudes and beliefs about yourself and others that foster help-seeking behavior. It involves convincing yourself that you can become smarter and better at things. The growth mindset fosters a don’t-quit approach to failures and setbacks in life. It means learning from mistakes, revising your plan, and trying again. Working on your own growth mindset is something that you can model for your kids. We can help our kids to feel empowered to try, fail, and try again. We do not stop growing and learning, no matter how old we are. There is nearly always someone out there—somewhere—who can help. And we can get help from others in the areas where we are struggling. The book Mindset does an excellent job of providing examples of adopting a growth mindset.

Attitudes That Hold Kids Back

Some kids really struggle in adopting a growth mindset and find that challenges, setbacks, and failures stop them in their tracks. There are several reasons why kids are unwilling or afraid to try, but most of them stem from avoidance. Common thoughts and attitudes that drive avoidance and interfere with help-seeking and adopting a growth mindset are:

+ I’ll look like a fool.

Counter-thought: “Smart kids know when to ask for help.”

+ People will make fun of me.

Counter-thought: “Most of the time people are not laughed at for asking for help.”

+ I should know this. I’m supposed to know this.

Counter-thought: “Even if I’m supposed to know this, I sometimes forget. I can decide to remember it forever once I re-learn what I need to know.”

+ I need to be the best.

Counter-thought: “The people who are the best at things have learned from their mistakes and disappointments.”

+ I don’t want to feel stupid.

Counter-thought: “I would rather feel embarrassed by asking for help than feel helpless and frustrated by avoiding help.”

+ I don’t want others to see how stupid and incapable I am.

Counter-thought: “I admire people who know how to ask for help and achieve success because of it.”

+ I feel too anxious to ask for help.

Counter-thought: “I’d rather feel anxious in asking for help than feel anxious about giving up on my dreams and goals for myself.”

Did you see yourself in any of the negative thoughts and attitudes above? What we tell ourselves in our heads matters tremendously. When we can change our inner dialogue and become more balanced and understanding of ourselves, we will be happier, less anxious, and more likely to ask for help when we need it. For more information on dealing with negative, self-critical thoughts, please read my article, “Mindfulness – How to Chill Out and Stop Beating Yourself Up” (https://psychiatryresource.com/articles/ mindfulness).

MODEL HELP-SEEKING AT HOME

Modeling a help-seeking attitude and growth mindset begins at home. Do a quick self-check. How do I model a growth mindset and help-seeking attitude for my kids when I am struggling and need help? How do I communicate to my kids that I’m there to help them without undermining them or fostering dependency? If you are helping your child with their homework and don’t know the answer, how do you go about getting the answer if you can’t figure it out with available resources?

So, how can you help kids without doing things for them or making them feel stupid? One way is to figure out what level of support they might need from you. There are many different roles that you can take when helping kids figure out problems:

+ Planner – “If that doesn’t work, what is your backup plan?”

+ Technical Support – “Call me if you have a question.”

+ Helper – “I’ll run the mixer and put the cake pans in the oven.”

+ Inspector – “Okay, kids. Before you ride your bikes off the jump you’re building, come get me to check things out.”

+ Supervisor – “I’ll be in the shade over there to keep track of your progress.”

+ Fan – “Come get me when you’re done. I want to see what you’ve made.”

+ Transportation – “If you guys get tired out or if something isn’t going right, call me and I’ll come to get you.”

The other way to help kids is to avoid some basic mistakes. When kids ask for help, don’t blame them, mock them, or do something for them without them watching you and learning how to do it themselves in the future. It’s also helpful to think about helping your children as a process, not a one-time event. Kids remember these experiences and it improves their confidence. The more areas where they feel confident and gain “adult” skills the more they will be encouraged to try more things and not be afraid to ask for help when they need it. They might also try a little harder before asking for help because it’s comforting to know that help is there when you need it.

Expanding The Field

Expanding the field means adding more people (or helpers) to a problem that needs to be solved. Even experts need help. I have to connect with other medical and mental health specialists several times each week in my role as a physician, even though I’m already a specialist in psychiatry.

So how can we encourage kids to reach out for help and expand the field in their lives when they need it? It can feel especially hard when kids seem to only be willing to ask for and receive help from their parents. Probably the best place to start is supporting kids to ask for help in their current school classrooms. Once kids master asking for help from their teacher, they can expand to other areas of their lives like coaches, music teachers, etc. Helping your child to reach out to teachers right away and ask for help appropriately is critical. We want our kids to say, “Please show me how to do this math problem so I can do the others,” not “Just tell me the answer.”

You can also practice role-playing with your child in interacting with teachers and other adults, and if your child finds that a particular person is not helpful, then you can start brainstorming together on who to reach out to next to help them get the help they need.

YOU CAN HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP SELF-SUFFICIENCY BY ENCOURAGING HELP-SEEKING

Imagine your child as a confident, grounded, and independent young adult. How did they get there? Kids who have learned to ask for and receive help have greater resilience, healthier relationships, and greater success in their education and later careers. They have a sense of competence that builds confidence and they don’t feel awkward about reaching out for help when they have reached the limits of their knowledge, education, and available resources. You can be the person who helps your child get on the path to becoming an independent adult by modeling and encouraging them in appropriate help-seeking behavior. ■

our community.

IS THERE SOMEONE YOU’D LIKE TO NOMINATE?

Please email shelly@mcsapcoalition.com and tell us why this individual has stood out in your crowd.

Mariel Parish TRUMAN HIGH SCHOOL, 7TH GRADE

Mariel is an excellent student who tries hard and does extraordinary work, according to her teacher Jim Utermarck. Her work ethic continues in athletics, where she’s involved in track, cross country, summer softball, and hockey. Her 12U hockey team was also just named state consolation champs! She is in choir and band and enjoys reading and quality time with friends and family. For the past eight years, she and her family have donated Easter baskets and Christmas gifts to the Ronald McDonald House. “Mariel’s outstanding effort, attitude, and determination will lead her to great things in life,” said Mr. Utermarck. “We are fortunate to have her as a student at Truman High School.”

Landen Pederson FAIRMONT HIGH SCHOOL, 11TH GRADE

The summer before seventh grade, Landen attended Celebrate Me Week (CMW) at Camp Patterson, which provides information on how to navigate some of life’s tough situations, like peer pressure, acceptance, and relationships with family and friends. He remembers hearing, “I can make a difference in this world. I can, I will, I must.” That helped him through a difficult time as he moved to a new town and a new school. Because Landen thought that was such an important message for everyone, he was a camp counselor at CMW in 2022. Landen runs cross country and track, is co-president of Fairmont’s Empower group, and loves to be outdoors. He plans to go to school for HVAC and plumbing and might own his own business someday.

Ella Nagorske GRANADA HUNTLEY EAST CHAIN HIGH SCHOOL, 12TH

GRADE

Ella Marie is involved in National Honor Society and just received a full-ride scholarship to Southwest Minnesota State University, Marshall, Minnesota. Ella has received an academic letter in volleyball the past three years and was also a captain of her team. Ella is a regional officer for Future Farmers of America where she organizes agricultural and leadership workshops for other students. She volunteers with her church youth group, providing outreach to area community shelters. Ella is hard working and has a heart for helping others in whatever ways she can.

Joseph Forsberg MARTIN COUNTY WEST, 12TH GRADE

Joseph’s love for football is evident in the success he has had on the field. He has played wherever needed: running back, linebacker, kicker, slot receiver, and cornerback. Joseph also was involved with track and wrestling. Joseph is a positive role model and assists in football camps to help younger players improve their skills. His caring nature is evident, as he is always willing to listen and encourage others. Others describe Joseph as a person who strives to do the right thing even when no one is watching. Outside of school and sports, he enjoys walks, working out, and spending time with family. Joseph works at Exit 87 Truck Wash and plans to attend University of Jamestown to play football and study exercise science.

Luis Figueroa MARTIN COUNTY SHERIFF’S OFFICE

The county sheriff’s department has never had a K-9 unit before, but Deputy Figueroa is helping change that. He’s currently going through training to partner with Bruno, a 13-month-old Belgian Malinois. Luis grew up in Martin County and graduated from Fairmont. He studied law enforcement at Alexandria Technical and Community College before interning with the Fairmont Police Department. In 2018, he was hired as a part-time sheriff’s deputy and covered the towns of Sherburn, Truman, and Fairmont before becoming full-time. He and his wife, Marissa, have two children, Elaina and Maddox. He is involved in the Toward Zero Deaths campaign for highway safety, Rotary’s STRIVE program, and Martin County Substance Abuse Prevention Coalition.

40 Developmental Assets are essential qualities of life that help young people thrive, do well in school, and avoid risky behavior.

Youth Connections utilizes the 40 Developmental Assets Framework to guide the work we do in promoting positive youth development. The 40 Assets model was developed by the Minneapolis-based Search Institute based on extensive research. Just as we are coached to diversify our financial assets so that all our eggs are not in one basket, the strength that the 40 Assets model can build in our youth comes through diversity. In a nutshell, the more of the 40 Assets youth possess, the more likely they are to exhibit positive behaviors and attitudes (such as good health and school success) and the less likely they are to exhibit risky behaviors (such as drug use and promiscuity). It’s that simple: if we want to empower and protect our children, building the 40 Assets in our youth is a great way to start.

Look over the list of Assets on the following page and think about what Assets may be lacking in our community and what Assets you can help build in our young people. Do what you can do with the knowledge that even through helping build one asset in one child, you are increasing the chances that child will grow up safe and successful. Through our combined efforts, we will continue to be a place where Great Kids Make Great Communities.