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THEWORLDOFPROTHEKA ABISHEK can’t wait for this to be over.
“Kian!”Cheerseruptaroundme “Amara!”
WearehavinganothercelebrationthiseveningafterKianandAmara’sarrivalbacktothecamp. AndIhavehadenough.
IamhappyforKian,Ireallyam Anditisclearthathismateisgoingtobeanexcellentadditiontotheclan KianandIusedtobegoodfriends.EvenmoresowhenwelivedonKaynvu,andIactuallyhadmymagic. ButwhenwearrivedonEarth,andafterIdepletedmymagictoclosetheportaltosaveallourlives,KianandIspokeless andless.
Iknowitisbecausenothingmuchchangedforhim Nothingmuchchangedforeveryoneelseintheclan They’restillpowerful,eventhoughtheirenvironmentshavechanged.KianisstilltheUndefeatedGladiator. Uliisstillagreatchieftain.
Thatcouldn’tbetakenawayfromthem Sonothingchanged Buteverythingchangedforme.
BecausewhenIusedthelastofmymagictoclosetheportal,Iwasleftpowerless Iwasleftcompletelydrained IshudderasIthinkabouttheweeks,themonths,afterwearrivedonEarth,afterIlostmymagic. Iwasashellofmyself Ihadneverbeenmoreill Iwasbroken
Losingmymagicfeltlikesomeonehadsteadilyrippedawaypiecesofmysoul.Thepainwasallemotionalandmental,but Irealizedinthoseweeksofdesolationandabandonmentthatmaybeemotionalandmentalpainwasworsethanphysicalpain couldeverbe
Thejourneyofbecomingashamanwaslifechanging.Itwasworldaltering.Ittoremeawayfrommyselfandremademe. Magicremademe Rebuiltme
Andwhenallthatwastakenaway,Ilosteverything.
I’veheardrumorsofotherclansfarawaythatcametoEarthbeforeus.WewerethelasttoleaveProtheka,anditwasnot unnoticed thatthere were so few orcs were left. Butwe cannotbe sure where theyended up. All Iknow is thatthe portals shouldnotbeabletobeopenedagain.
Notafterme
Istaremoodilyatthedancingorcsandhumanswhohavecongregatedinthecenteroftheclan’scompound. ThenIlookdownatthebottleofaleinmyhand Itisalmostempty ItakeaswigofitandfinishitoffbeforeIstandupand walkbacktomylittlehome.
“Youjustneedtofindawaytogetbacktoyourself.Maybethenyouwillgetyourmagicback,”ItellmyselfasIwalkinto mylittlehomeandtrudgetowardsthesmallkitchenwhereIkeepmypersonalstoreofaleready. Despitelosingmymagic,despiteexperiencingsuchworld-endingpain,alargepartofmehasn’tgivenupyet.
Iwanttogetbacktomyself Iwanttobeashamanagain Iwanttoperformritualsagain “Ha!” Ilaughbitterlyas Ithinkaboutthe factthatthere is no magic onEarth. There isn’tanyorc magic anyway. “Earth mighthave savedus fromthe darkelves andthe naga,butitisn’tfitfor orcs Anditis definitelynotfitfor orc shamans,” I grumble.
Ibecomemoreandmoredrunkastimepasses.WhenIwanderoutsideagain,thesunhasalmostset. Therestoftheclanhasstartedabonfire,andtorcheshavebeenlitaroundthecamp Afewoftheorcshavepulledouttheir makeshiftinstrumentsandmusicfiltersthroughtheair.
The air is sweetand warmand clear, and for a moment, eventhoughIamdrunk, there’s a few seconds ofbrightclearheadedness.
You could be happy here. Maybe even without your magic. You could be happy. ButthemomentisdashedwhenIseeUliandKian,sittingaroundthebonfire,withtheirmatesontheirarms.
Idonotknow whatitisaboutthesightofthemthatmakesmystomachgosour Butwhenever IlookatKianor Uli with theirmates,IamremindedofwhoIamnow.
IamremindedofeverythingIhavelost IamalsoslightlyannoyedthatUliandKianhavespentalmosttwoweekscelebratingwiththeirmates.
Theyarebothhighlyimportanttotheclan’soperations Weneedthemforourlivelihood Iturnawayfromthemashotale-fueledangershootsthroughme.
They have other responsibilities They’re two of the most important orcs in this clan Uli is the chieftain for fucks sake! They’re simply pathetic!
“Abishek!”
Iturnatthesoundofmynamefloatingthroughtheair IknowthatitisBodhi,theorcinchargeoftheclan’ssecurity Hehasaverydistinctivevoice,andnowherumblesmynameagain.AndIamforcedtostop. IsighasIturnaround Bodhimightbeoneofthemoreintimidatingorcs,buthedoesn’tscareme.Nothingscaresme. EspeciallywhenIamdrunk.
“Whereareyougoing?”Bodhislapsmeonthebacksohardthatmykneesalmostbuckleundertheweightofhishand Bodhiistallwithbroadshoulders.Heisslightlylargerthanmebutweareroughlythesameheight,andeventhoughIama shamanandnotawarrior,IknowthatIcouldholdmyownagainsthim
Not in this condition you can’t.
“LeavemealoneBodhi,”Igrowl.
“Youshouldjoinus!”Hisvoiceischeerful.Ihatethat.“We’vegotawholegoatonthefire!AndJuliehasthisgreatrecipe withburgonas Imean,potatoesasthehumanscallit!Weevengotsomegreatwinein!”
IcannothelpbutburstintolaughteratBodhi’sinvitation
“Idon’tbelonghere.”IalmostchokeonmylaughterasIspitoutthebitterwords.
“Whatdoyoumean?”Bodhilooksgenuinelyconfused
“Theydon’tevenknowwhenI’mnotaround!”MyvoiceisevenmorebitterasIpointanaccusatoryfingeratUliandKian. “Kianissupposedtobemygoodfriendandhedoesn’tevennoticewhetherIamhereornot!”
Bodhi’sforeheadcreasesandthecornersofhismouthdroop.Idonotknowwhattheexpressiononhisfaceis. Maybe disappointment?
Of course he’s disappointed in me!You have nothing to offer any longer!
“That’snothowthingsare,Abishek.”IhaveneverheardBodhi’svoicethisgentlebefore.“Westillwantyouaround.But you’vecompletelyisolatedyourselffromtherestofus”
IturnawayfromBodhi,rippingmybodyawayfromhishand. “Goaway!”
Isnapthewordsandrushbacktomyhome
“Ihavetotry,”Ispeakfeverishly.“Ihavetotry!”Idon’tcareiftherestoftheclancanhearorseemeasIthrowopenthe doortomyhomeandheaddowntothebasement
Thebasementhasbecomemyonlyreprieve.ItiswhereIkeepallmymagictools.ItiswhereIcandrinkwithoutanyone judgingme
ItiswhereIcantalktomyself,screamtomyself,beatmychest,withoutUliorKianlockingmeupforinsanity. I pull my clothes off, and this reveals the tattoos that spiral all over my body. The tattoos that each shaman gets upon successfullycompletingtheirmagictraining
Ireachfortherobesthathangneatlyonahookonthewall,andpullthemhastilyontomybody.
Asenseofcalmovertakesmeastherobessettlegracefullyonmyshoulders “Thisisit,”Imuttertomyself.
AndIstarttochant
Therearemanydifferentshamanicchantsformanydifferentpurposes.TheoneIamchantingnow,asthesunsets,isoneof renewal.
Itisachantthatissupposedtosummonnewmagic Itisachantthatissupposedtobringforthrebirth ApitformsinmystomachasIchantandnothinghappens.
ThesenseofcalmIbrieflyfeltwhenIdonnedtherobesvanishesquickly Instead,frustrationthreatenstooverwhelmme.Becauserightnow,Iamsupposedtobefeelingsomething. Iamsupposedtobefeelingthenewmagicrushingthroughme.Iamsupposedtobethevessel,theconduit,forallthisnew magic.
“Nothing,”ImurmurasIcometotheendofthechant,theprayer.“Nothing!”Thewordripsfrommeinascream,ashriek.
“Nothing!”Ikickoverapileofbooksandsmashavasethatisfilledwithlong-deadflowers. Ifalltothegroundasmyshouldersshakeandhot,frustratedtearsfallfrommyeyes. IleandownandbeatthegroundwithmyfistsasIrealizethatthemagicisnevercomingback It’s never coming back. This is your life now. You’re doomed. You are doomed! Iletoutastringofcursesasmybreathhitchesinmythroat Iliftmyheadtotheceilingofthebasement Iwanttoinvokethenamesofthegodsandgoddessesthen. ButIcannotbringmyselftosaytheirnames Notnowthatthey’veabandonedme “Why?!”Iscreaminstead.“Why?!”
KIRSTEN MydisgustmustshowonmyfaceinthehoursbeforethenextcelebrationbeginsbecauseJuliesighsandturnstome. Itisquiteearlywhenwestarttopreparefortheafternoonandevening’sfestivities IamsupposedtobehelpingJulie,butafterseeingmyface,andlookingoveratAmara,shestopseverythingsheis doing.
“Kirsten”Julie’svoiceissoft,careful Isuppresstheurgetorollmyeyes.
Julie Ever the diplomat
“Iknow youaren’thappyaboutthis. Iknow youaren’thappy, livingamongthe orcs. Iknow youaren’thappythatIam matedwithanorc Butyouneedtogetusedtothis Here,we’resafeandweneverhavetoworryaboutfoodandshelter” Iwantto scoffatthe word ‘mate.’We’re humans, we getmarried. We aren’tsavages like the orcs. Our customs include marriage,wherewomenareequalpartners,andnotthepropertyofoursignificantothers.
Instead,Icrossmyarmsovermychestandkeepmymouthshut Amaraspeaksnext,andhervoiceissharper,harsher,thanJulie’s.
Ihaven’tknownAmaraforaverylongtime,butsheisn’tassoft-spokenasJulie Shealsodoesn’tholdback,andspeaks hermindatalltimes,whichiswhyshehasbecomesuchapopularadditiontothe‘clan.’
“Youhaveanattitude,andIgetit NotallorcsarelikeUliandKianandtherestoftheRisenAshclan Butyouneedtoget overit.It’sbecomingboringtobehonest.”
“I’mnotgoingtosithereandlistentoyoubothinsultme,”Isnapandstandup.“Youmarriedanorc,oneofthecreatures wholiterallydestroyedourplanet,andsentusbacktotheDarkAges Theyarethereasonwe’resufferinginthefirstplace!”
Andwiththat,IstompoffinthedirectionofmylittlecottagewhichisafewhousesawayfromJulieandUli’splace.
OnceIwalkintomycottage,Igotomysmallbookshelfimmediately,andpulloutoneofmyfavoritebooks onethatIgot fromJulie,coincidentally.
Itrytositdownandread,butIcannotconcentrate,whichhasbecomethenormrecently. So,Ichuckthebookaside,andbegintopaceupanddownthelengthofmysmallhome.
Mystomachistwistedintoknotsandmyskinpricklesuncomfortably.
IdonotknowwhatIamfeeling,whichhasalsobecomethenorm,sinceJuliebroughtmehere Anger? Frustration? Grief? I don’t know.
Ishakemyheadviolently,asthoughthatwillgetridofthethoughtsthatIcannotputinorder,theonesthatwon’tfitintoa straightlineinsideme.
Maybe it is all three Maybe I am angry and frustrated and grieving all at the same time Iknow thatthis is true. Iamangry. AngrythatJulie has betrayed me inthe worstway. Iamalso angrythatmylife has becomebetterincertainwayssinceIcametolivewiththeclan.
Materially,Iwantfornothing Idonothavetofightforfoodandwater Ialwayshavearoofovermyhead Andwehave morethanenoughmedicalsuppliesatalltimes.
IalsoknowthatIamfrustratedbyJulie’sbehavior Icanseehermakingtheworstdecisionsofherlife,andthereisnothing Icandotostopher.
MygriefmustbethelargestandmostoverwhelmingofalltheemotionsIfeel.Iamgrievingforeverythingandeveryone. IamgrievingforalostEarth,andIamgrievingformyfriend AndIamgrievingformyself,andforthelifeIwillnever have.
Icontinuepacinguntilmybodyswaysfromexhaustion Ifinallyallowmyselftositdown Imustfallasleep,becausewhenIopenmyeyes,thelightintheroomhasshifted.
ThefirstthingInoticeasIwakeupproperlyisthatIamstarving.
ThesecondthingInoticeisthenoiseandthesmellofroastingmeat,cominginfromoutside.
“Isupposethey’vejusthadtheweddingthen,”Imuttertomyselfatthesoundofcheers Ishiverslightlyandreachformy shawlthatIalwayskeepdrapedovertheedgeofthechairinthesmalllivingroom.
JulieandUlihadtheirceremonysometimeago,whichIattended Buttoday,KianandAmaraarehavingtheirs.Orthey’vehadtheirsalready.
Idon'treallyknowwhattothinkaboutAmara Sheisveryclearlyhuman,butshereferstoherselfasashe-wolf,andsheis alotmoresavagethansomeoftheorcsinthisclan.
After Ipull onmyshawl, Idecide to jointhe celebrations. Mostlybecause Iamhungry, and would also like to getvery drunk,butalsobecauseIamfeelingquiteguiltyaboutmyearlieroutburst
ThefirstthingIseewhenIwalktothecenterofthecampisJulieandUli,andAmaraandKian,dancingtogether. Bothcouplesholdontooneanothertightly,andforasecondIthinkthatIhaveneverseenanythingmorenatural They’re very in love. Does that make it okay? And can we really live like this? Can humans and orcs really co-exist? Julie and Uli pull awayfromone another then, and Julie sees me Her face breaks into a tentative smile and she walks slowlyovertome.
“I’msogladyoucame,”shesaysandpullsmeintoasofthug. Mybodyremainsstiffwithinherembrace,butshedoesn’tletthatdeterher “Kirsten.”Hervoiceisslightlymoreinsistentwhenshebreakstheembraceandlooksatme.“Kirsten.This.”Shegestures atthescenearoundus “Livinglikethis,withtheorcs,workingwiththeorcs,istheonlywayoutofthelifeweusedtolive Thisistheonlywayforhumanstosurviveandtoleavethesettlementsthatarekillingus.”
“Wecansurviveonourown,”Isaystubbornly.Julieliftsaneyebrow.
“Canwe?ArewereallystrongenoughtofighttheanimalsofthisEarthandtheotherorcswhowanttoeatus?”
“I-I…”Istutterovertheword.Then,myshouldersslump.“Weneedsomeonestrong.Tosurvive.”
Turningawayfromher,myeyessearchthecamp Myheartyearnstofindsomethingtocomplainabout,somethingthatwill validatetheemotionsinsideme,butIdon’t.
“Idon’tknowwhattodo,”Imumble Thiscamp,whichusedtobeahumanneighborhood,iswelllocatedalongthegreat lake.
Wearesafehere.
I am safe here
“Youneedtojustbe more opentothis lifestyle.I’mnotsayingyouneedtofall inlove withanorc andmate withthem. Maybeifwehavemorehumansjointhecamp,youcanfindahumanmantobewith Butjusttrytobemoreopen”
Am I actually going to go along with this? Am I actually going to let go of my resistance?
Partofmebalksatthethoughtofgivingupmyobjectionstothislifestyle AndIthinkitisbecauseitmeansgivingupmy angerandfrustration.
InodatJuliewhogivesmeasmallsmile,andthenIturnandwalktotheedgeofthecamp.
Iwillneedtogetsomethingtoeatsoon Iamalmostdizzyfromhunger
Aftersometimeofwalking,Imovetoturnbacktothecelebrations.
ButthenIsmellit
Itmakesmegag.Itmakesmystomachturn.
Blood
Ifollowthesmellinstinctively.Ihavealwaysbeensensitivetothesmellofblood,andabigpartofmehopesthatitisn’t humanblood.
What if one of the orcs captured a human and is eating them?
Mystomachturnsagain,butIcontinuetofollowthesmellofblood.Ifindthefirstspotofbloodclosetooneofthehouses whichisfurthestawayfromtherestofthecamp
Moredropsofbloodleadawayfromthehouse,towardsthewildernessthatsurroundsthecamp. MyanxietyskyrocketsasIfollowthetrail
IamhalfwayintotheforestwhenIseeit.Alargeorc,bentoverabloody,weakwolf. One of Amara’s wolves, Ithink,asmyheartthudsunsteadily,painfullyinmychest. IknowthatAmara’swolvesarefriendly,andwouldneverattackanyonewithoutprovocation “Whatthe fuck?” Imutter to myself, as Isee a piece ofsharp wood thatis covered inblood, lyingoffto the side ofthe wolf
Theorcisn’tdoinganythingtohelpthewolf.Instead,theorcisonhisknees,andisrockingbackandforth. Icanheartheorcspeaking.Itsoundslikeheispraying,orchanting,andisspeakinginalanguageIdonotunderstand. Thewolflooksatme,andhereyesarefrantic.Herbreathingisshallowanderratic. Andtheorcisdoingnothingtohelpher.
“Whatareyoudoing,youanimal?!”Ishoutandlaunchmyselfattheorc.
ABISHEK There goes the last of the ale, IthinktomyselfwithagroanasIstumbleupfromthebasement. MylittlehouseischaoticwhenIreachthegroundfloorofit,andIswayonthespotasItakeinthemessthatIhave made.
Mystomachturnsasthehighofthealcoholfadesaway,andIamleftwiththewarm,sourtasteinmymouth.
IswallowdownbileasIlurchtowardsthefireplace,andlightitslightlyclumsily Thesunhassetcompletely,sothehouse isdark.Wehavesolarlights thehumanshadmanymarvelousinventionsthatwehavetakenfull advantageof butIdonot likeartificiallighting
She should be here by now. ThethoughtinterruptsmeandIrealizethatitislateenoughthatoneofmylittlefriendsshould havecomearoundbynow
IcannotdenythatthereisonegoodthingaboutAmara’sarrivalinthecamp herwolves.
Herwolvesarequitefriendly,aswildastheyare,andtheydonotdiscriminateagainstme.
HerwolvesdonotrealizethatIdonothaveaplaceinthecampanylonger TheydonotcarethatIdonotaddanythingof valuetotheclan’slifestyle.
Theydo,usuallyaroundthistimeoftheday,demandfoodandcompanionship
Oneoftheminparticular,afemalewolf,hasnevermissedanight,evenwhenAmarahasgoneonarunwiththerestofthe pack
You should go check to see if she’s waiting for you. ItellthistomyselfasIsoberup,andIyawnblearilyasIwalktothe frontdoor.
There is a chance that there might not be anyofthe wolves waitingfor me tonight It is the night ofAmara and Kian’s matingceremonyafterall.
Shemightbeinvolvedintheceremonysomehow,andmightbetoopreoccupiedtocomefordinner
“Youcan’tblameher.Shewilljusthaveforgottenyou.Likeeveryoneelsehas,”ImutterthesewordstomyselfasIopen thefrontdoor.
Thereisarustlinginthebushesoutside,andmyheartliftsasIseeapairofsharp,beadyeyes,andalongmuzzle.
“You’relooking…”Myvoicetrails offwhenthewolfmoves,andIseethebloodthatpours steadilyfromher side.“Oh gods,”Ibreathethewordsasthewolflooksupatmewithherdarkeyes,andblinksonce Thereisalong,thinwoodenstickthatispiercingherside,andshemustbeexperiencingalotofdiscomfort. Ikneelinfrontofher,andstrokehermuzzleasIexaminethestick Sheleansintomypalmandwhimperssoftly Sheisn’tjustexperiencingdiscomfort.Sheisinpain.
“Okay.”MymindstartswhirringasIthinkofasolution.TheonlythingIcanthinkofisperformingahealingritualthatI learnedattheverystartofmyshamantraining.“Icanhelpyou.”
Iliftthewolfintomyarms,andcarryheralittlewaysintotheforestthatsurroundsmyhouse.Then,Iplacehercarefully ontheground
“I’msorry.”IstrokeherheadassoothinglyasIcan,andthenIpullthechantfromdeepinsidemymemory. Itisn’tacomplicatedritualandtheprayerisverysimple
WhenIlookdownatthewolf,sheispantingquickly,herbreathingshallow.
I don’t have much time, IthinkslightlyfranticallytomyselfasImurmurthebeginningofthechant.
IcallonboththeWarGodandtheEnchantmentGoddesstohelpme,andthenIinvoketheoldmagicoftheshamanswho camebeforeme.
Iamprayinginalanguagethatmostorcs
intomysoul.
Iplacemyhandsonthewound,notcaringthatmyskinbecomessoakedwithbloodinstantly. Then,foraminisculeinstant,itfeelsasthougheverything,includingtime,hassloweddown.
Thewolf’spantingseemstoslow,andtheflutterofherheartbeatcalmsdown Icanhearmyownbreathing,harshandrasping,underneaththetimberofmyvoice. AndIcanfeelit Themagic Orcmagic.
Mymagic
Andthentimecontinuestotickon,andthemagicvanishes,asifitwasneverthere.
Iletoutaloudcurseandleanbackonmyhaunches,andthewolf’spantingspeedsupagain,andthebloodseemstogush fromhermorequickly
She’s dying.
“Iwanttohelpyou”Myvoiceisfrantic “Ijustdon’tknowhow”
Thefeelingofhelplessnesserodesmyconsciousnessandthreatenstooverwhelmmecompletely. She’s dying!You need to do something!
TheonlythingIcandoischantandhopethatthemagicworks.Hopethatthemagiccomesbacktome. SothatiswhatIdo.
“Whatareyoudoing,youanimal?!”
TheshriekisfilledwithpurefuryandmyeyesshootopenasIseeahumanwomanrunningtowardsme.
“Howcanyousitthereanddonothing?!”shescreamsatmeasshekneelsnexttotheanimalwhohasgonestillwithfright andpain.“You’rejustlettingherdie!”
Anger,unbridledanduncontrollableanger,ragesthroughmeandIpushherviolentlyaway.
“I’mhelpingher!”Iroarather.“Youdon’tknowanything,youignoranthuman!Gobacktowhereyoucamefrom!”
The fury in her voice crosses her face and she pushes me, and her rage must make her stronger, because I stumble backwardsastep
Iamalsostilldrunk,soIstumblebackwardsanotherstep,andthenIfallflatonmyass.
Thehumanwomanpullsoffashawlthatwasdrapedaroundhershoulders,andpressesittothewolf’swounds “Youneedsurgery.Thelacerationisdeep,”shemutterstoherselfasIstruggletogetbackontomyfeet.“Ineedneedlesand thread.Andsomekindofanesthetic.Somuchbloodloss,howamIgoingtosaveyou?”
Ihavenoideawhatsheistalkingabout,butthelookonherface,oneofdetermination,oneofknowledge,remindsmeof oneofmytutorswhenIwasveryyoung.
Atutorwhowasoneofthewisestorcshamanstoeverlive “Whatareyoudoing?”Iaskher.“Whatareyoutalkingabout?”
“Herinjuryisbadandsheneedsmajorsurgery,”shesayswithoutevenglancingatme “Goaway!”Herdismissivebehaviormakestheangerriseinmeagain.“I’llhealher!Wedon’tneedyou!” Shedoesturntolookatmethen,andtheexpressionofdisdainonherfacesendschillsdownmyspine. Sheraisesaneyebrowbeforespeaking “How exactlyareyougoingtohealher?”Hervoiceissharpandcoldandmybodygoescoldjustlisteningtoher.“With yourwords?Idon’tthinkthat’sgoingtocutit” Herwordsarelikeaslaptotheface.
IballmyhandsintofistsandclenchmyjawasIswallowwavesofanger Imightnotbe as strongas other orcs, because Iama shamanand nota warrior. ButIamstill stronger thanthis human woman.
Istalktowardsherandgrabherbythearm Iyankhertowardsme,andhergaspofpainandshockisthemostsatisfying thingI’veheardallday.
Itakeherbythechinandforceherfacetowardsmine “DoyouknowwhoIam?”Igrowlthewordsather,andshegoesstill.Hereyesarewide,herpupilsdilated,andIknow sheisafraid
Butthenthefeardisappears,andshejerksawayfromme,fightingagainstme. “Idon’tgiveafuckwhoyouare!You’rejustacrazydrunk Icansmelltheboozeonyourbreath!Now,letgoofme!” Itightenmygriponher,andIsnarlthenextwords “You’resuchastupidwoman,youuselesshuman.”
She continues tofightagainstmygrip There is more Icouldsay There are things Icouldsay,anddotoher,thatwould makeherwanttodie.
Icoulddothingstoherthatwouldhaveherbeggingmetokillher.
ButbeforeIcanconsiderhowIcanterrifyhernext,thewolfgroansandwebothlookdownather. Thecreatureisbreathingevenmoreshallowlynowandtherushofbloodfromherbodyhasn’tsloweddown.
Mygriponthehumanwomanloosens,andIampreparedtofalltomykneesagain.Iampreparedtochantagain. ButbeforeIcansayanything,Ihearthecrackandrustleoffootstepscomingthroughtheforesttowardsus. Thevoice,whenitspeaks,isbrightandcurious Andworried AnditbelongstoBodhi.
“Whathappened?”
KIRSTEN hathappenedhere?”theorcIrecognizeasBodhiasks.Helooksdownattheinjuredanimalandgasps.“Whatthefuck happened?”
“Whathappened here is that he, ” Isaydirectlyto the other beast. “Is a bastard!He stabbed this poor wolfand triedtohealitwithnon-existentmagic!”
How muchlonger will itgetinto everyone’s head thatsuchstupiditydoesn’twork? Italmostseems like a game atthis point.Toyingwiththehopeandwell-beingaboutothersbyfakingthisbuffoonery.Howmanypeoplediedbecauseofbelieving insuchhocus-pocus?
Nowtheywanttouseitoninnocentanimals.There’snolimittotheorcs’cruelty.Ihavetoatleastprotectthiswolffrom them
The orc scoffs and glares at me. “That’s not true inthe slightest,” he says before lookingup at Bodhi. “The wolf was injured!Thiswomanislying,shejustcameattheexactmomentItriedtohealher.Ofcourse she wouldthinkIinjuredit.”
What!?No,he'stryingtomakehimselfseeminnocent IknowwhatIsaw!Hecan’treallyexpectmetoignorethechanting hewasdoingoverthewolf.
Weglareateachother Icanevenseethewrinklesinmyforehead “IknowwhatIsaw,”Isaythroughgrittedteeth.
“Yousawwhateveryouwantedto”
Ikeckbeforesnapping.“Itiswhatitis.Don’tactlikeI’mthecrazyonehere!YoueventhreatenedmewhenIstoppedyou! Areyougoingtodenythat?You’reabastardofthehighestorder!”
Hesnapsbackatmebutinhislanguage Hisjawclenchesandhebareshisteethwhilesayingit Likehemeanseveryletter thatdripsoutofhismouth.There’sevenahissinthere.
“Whatthehelldidyousay?”Idemand,narrowingmyeyes “Ididn’tsayanything.”
“Youobviouslywere.Youlookedatmestraightinthefaceandspitoutwords.Stoplying.”
Did he just curse me? I may not understand what the hell he meant but his expression’s obvious. He enunciated every syllableinwhateverwordhethrewatme.Hiseyesturnedintoslitsandtheveinspopoutfromhistemples.
Hestaresatme,stillglaring
“SaywhatyoujustsaidsoIcanunderstand.Whyareyouhidingbehindyourlanguage?”
Herollshiseyes “Mylanguageisnotformeaslyearslikeyours There’snoneedformetorepeatmyselfto you ” Myfaceturnshot.“No,sayitwithyour chest!Feelingcowardlynow thatyoulookguiltyashell?Idon’tthinksoyou… youbastardlybastard!”
“Willyoustopscreamingprofanities?”hebellowsrightinmyface.“I.Was.Just.Healing.Her!” Fuckingbastard.He’sgoingtokeepupthefarceuntiltheveryend.Notonmyduckingwatchthat’sforsure.Atleastnow I’mgoingtohavesomethingtooccupymymindinthisplace
Keeping this bastard away from this poor creature,IthinktomyselfasItrytomakespacebetweenhimandthewolf. Hefrownsatmeanddoesn’tmoveawayfromit It’sagameofdominancetohimandhe’ssureashellwon’tbackdown Well,neitherwillI!
Whothe hell doeshethinkheis?He’sabogusdoctor.Allhe'sgoingtodoiscausemorepainanddeathwithhisignorance. Healing him?Withwhatmagic?ThisisEarth He’sstuckinthepast Onethatdoesn’tmatteranyway “Getawayfromhim,”Idemandtheorcagain.
Hedoublesdown “No Iwashelpinghimbeforeyoulostyour mindandbargedinscreamingatme Youinterruptedmy chantandnowIhavetostartalloveragain.”
“Yourmagicwon’twork!Itdidn’twork,not one bit!She’sstillbleeding!Isthissomekindofsickandtwistedwayyou’re torturingher?”
“Excuseme?Torturingher?Whatthefuckareyoueventalkingabout?”
“I’mtalkingaboutyoulettingherdieslowlyandpainfullybecauseyoukeepactinglikeyourfakemagicwillhelpher!That boguscrapdoesn’tworkhere,getitthroughyourhead!”
“It’snotfakemagicyou ”
Iturnmyeartohearitclearly “Sayit Goahead Youwerecallingmeabitchjustnowweren’tyou?”
“Becauseyouareactinglikeone!Yourscreamingisn’tdoinganythingtohelp!”
“Neitherwillyourfakemagic!”
Bodhi’sthunderousvoicecutsthroughourargument
“Enough,bothofyou!Whatthehellareyoudoing?You’refightinginsteadoftakingcareofthewolf!”
Hetakesoffhisshirttoexposehisrippedphysique Iunintentionallylookawayandwonderwhatthehell he’s goingtodo now.
“Bodhi,whatdoyouthinkyou’re ”
Asthe other orcasks,Bodhiexpertlybandageshisshirtsaroundthewolf’swound.Thewhimperingfromherceasesbya little.Atleastshe’snotbleedingprofuselyanymore.Somethingsosimpleandyetthebastarddidn’teventrytodoit.
Evenso,Bodhistillglaresatbothofus Iwanttoprotesthow I’m theoneintherightbutnowthatmyangersubsided,I’m alsointhe wrong.As a doctor,mynumber onepriorityshouldalways be the patient,noquestionaboutit.The factthatIlet myselfbedraggedintoapettyargumentwiththatbastardisshamefultomywork
Ilookoveratthecreature.She’spantingslightlybutstillcan’tmovemuch.Iwonderwhatshethoughtthewholetimewe argued.SheprobablyfeelsthatI’mnobetterthantheorc.
HelooksathowBodhicarefullysecureshisshirtonthewound.Iwouldthinkhe’supsetathimforbeatinghimtosavethe wolf.Buthejuststareswithanemptinessinhiseyesthatgivesmethecreeps.
Hefeelsmestaringathimandheturnsmyway Iquicklyglareathim He’scaughtoffguardatfirstbutthenscoffsatme Suchachildishorc.
Irollmyeyesandrefocusmyattentionontheimportantmatter
“Thewound’sprettydeepbutIdon’tthinkherinternalorgansaredamaged,”IsaytoBodhi.
Henodsinunderstanding.“That’sarelief.Whatdoyousuggestwedowithher?Idon’tthinkshecanmove.” “Weneedtotakehertothenewclinic.Thebleedingstoppedbutshestilllostalotofit.” “Fine.Thenlet’s ”
Theotherorcbuttsinforsomedamnreason HegraspsBodhi’sshoulder “No,wecan’tmoveher.Wedon'tknowifshehasbrokenbones.She’llbeinmorepain.”
“Thisisanemergency Wecan’tjustleaveheroutheretodie We’llhealthebrokenbonesattheclinic,”Bodhiexplains Despitetheurgency,theotherorcdoesn’tgetitandpushesit.
“Bodhi,it’sfine,”hesays.Anastuteexpressionshowsonhisface.“Icanhealher.ItwasworkingbeforeIgotinterrupted. Wecanjustdoithere”
Theformersighs.“Abishek,you’reagreatshaman.Oneofthebest,don’tgetmewrong…butthisisn’tProtheka.” AsthewordscomeoutofBodhi’smouth,Abishekpales It’sasuddenreactionthatcatchesmyattention Becausedespite thesuddenchangeofcomplexion,hisfeaturesarestillrigidandunmoving.
I observe them both carefully The conversation shifts dramatically from heated to painfully awkward Bodhi looks resignedandinpain,asifhedoesn'twanttobetheonetodeliverthemessage.
Itmakesmewonderhowmanytimesthisconversation’shappened.Bodhican’tevenlookhimstraightintheeye.
“But the chants I’msure itwas working Evenbya little,” Abishektries toexplain Itsounds more tohimselfthanto Bodhi.“Letmetryoncemore.IknowIcandoit.”
Bodhiturnsandpresseshismouthtogether “Abishek,please Wehavetomoveon”
Theorcstayssilent,asifrealityjustbefellhim.Despiteourdisagreementearlier,Isomewhat…pityhim.He’sdesperately tryingtohangontothelastthreadoftheirhomeland Icanonlyimaginehowpainfulthatmustbeforhim
Well, not painful enough if he can easily threaten me like he did,Isuddenlyremember.
Ishovethetinysliverofpityinmyheart.He’llgetoverit.IknowIhadtobitemytongueandmoveonwithlife.Everyone hastodoitatsomepoint
“Weshouldtakethewolfawayalready.Shemightbedehydratedalreadyandthatcouldcomplicatethings,”IsaytoBodhi asItrynottolookattheotherone Henods.“I’llcarryher.Leadtheway.” “Thankyou.”
“Ofcourse.”
Ascareful andgentleashecan,Bodhi picksupthewolf.Shewhimpersandcriesandtriestoescape.Withafirmhand,
Bodhiliftsherinawaytonotputpressureonherwound.There’sdefinitelyaninjuredbonesomewhere.
As we leave the area, Abishekremains standingthere, rooted onthe spot. Iglance athim, and myheartlurches withan indescribableemotion
Maybe I was too harsh?
Iknowthefeelingofbeingpowerless It’ssomethingthatbecomessecondnatureinmylineofwork Ioftenhavethesame faceashedoesrightnow.HelookslikeheavenandEarthhavefallenonhim.
Is he going to be okay?
ABISHEK hisway,”thewomaninstructsBodhi.
Theytakethewolfawaytotheplacewhereit’llsurelysurvive UnlikeifitstaysoutherewithmeasItrytostupidly healhimwithmymagic.
Fake magic, thewomansaid.
I lookdownat myhands that once held the most powerful magic inall of Protheka Now theycan’t evendo a simple healingritual.Imightaswellcutoffmyhandssincethey’resouselessnow.
“WhatamItodowiththesenow?”Isaytomyself
Iclenchtheminto fists, shakinginbitterness and anger. There are no other words to explainwhatIfeel now. WhatI’ve beenfeelingsincewecamehere
For the sake ofthe tribe,I’dgive upmypowers againandagain.That’s the rightwaytothinkofthings.Butsomewhere deepinmyheartthere’sadoubtofwhetherIcouldsacrificesomethinglikethatagain.
IclenchmyteethasIpunchaholeinatree Whydidwehavetocometothisgodsforsakenplanetwithnomagic?Everyone easilymovedontotheirowndutiesandlives.Whycan’tIdothesame?
Eachpassingdayis more painful thanthe last I dread wakingup inthe morning, knowingI’mstuckinthis place I’m nothingbutanemptyshell.Scraps.Absolutegarbage.
“HowcanIlosemypowers?”Iaskmyself,wishingtoknowtheanswer “How?How?How?”
Itdoesn’tmatterhowmanytimesIask.There’llneverbeananswer.Ihavetolivewiththesilence. Mykneessuddenlyturnweak.Everypartofmewantstojustdisappearintothinair.Butnoteventhegodsareasmerciful. I have to live like this I can never go back My power ’ s not coming back Myheartbeat’serraticandIdon’tknowhowtocontrolit.Slowly,Ilosegripofthesanitythatkeptmegroundedsofar.I havetoholdmyheadtomakesureI’mstillaliveorevenjustplainlyexisting Alas,mymind’sriddledwithdeprecatingthoughts,likeaflesh-eatingdisease.
“DoesBodhialsothinkI’muselessnow?Dotheyallthinkthatway?”Isay. Idon’thavetoleavemyselfguessing.Iknowit’strue.Theyjusthavemearoundoutofpityandduty.Ididsavethemafter all.They’rejustrepayingthatkindnessbyallowingmetoleechoffofthem.
Thewhirlwindofemotionsthattormentmetakesover Iroar,lettingoutalltheangerandfrustrationthatItrytohidefrom therest.Butit’snotenough.Istillfeelthedarknessinsideme.
Ipunchthefirsttreeuntilitbecomestwigsundermyfeet IheaveandpantasIlookatthesoilwiththemessImade “Thatdidn’thelpatall,”IgrumbleasIkickthedirt. What would throwing a tantrumdo? This is foolish of me. I can’t allow an injured wolf to decide my destiny. I was interrupted.That’swhyIcouldn’tdoit.
IlookatthepathBodhiandthatwomantook.Ican’tdwellonittoomuch,though.Thepointwastohelpmylittlefriend. Theseworriesaremakingmebecomeaselfishorc
Still,Ican’thelpbutfeelthatit’sbecausethisisn’twhoIam.Thelossofmypowerstookatollonotherpartsofmyself. I’msomeonethatneedstousemagic
I can’t give up. I won’t!I’m going to do anything to get my powers back!Idecidesilently. Igritmyteethdecisively.It’ssettledthen.Ifit’spossibleformetolosethem,there’sawaytogetthemback. Ireturntomyhome,makingsureIdon’trunintotheother orcs Iwanttoavoidanysortofconversationrightnow Who knows if that woman opened her mouth and spread lies throughout the settlement? She can mar my reputation with all the yappingshelikestodo
Finally,Ireachmyhome,ahutmoresecularthantherest.Ilookbehindmetomakesurenoone’sfollowed.Then,Itightly
shutthedoorbeforerushingintomyprivatestudy.
Duringthe devastationinProtheka,Ididn’thave muchtosave.Buttheone thingIknew Ineededtotake withme,is the shaman’stome ItholdseverythingIneedtoknowtoadapttothesenewanddesolatesurroundings Iopenitup,searchingthrougheverylineeverwrittentofindanysortofclue.Noonereallytalksaboutthecaseoflosing powersorhavingnomagic Butit’salwaysagiventhatwhenonehasweakmagic,there’ssomethingyoucanuse “ThereneedstobesomesortofherborevenarockIcanuse,”Imumble.
AsIkeeplookingthroughthetome,Icomeacrossacertainname:Altastos That’sanameIdon’trememberseeingbefore MaybebecauseIdidn’tneeditbeforenow.
Ireadthrough,makingsurenottomissanyfinedetails.ThemoreIlearnaboutthis,themorehopefulIget.Thetomesays Altastosisamagicstonethatcanbeusedasasubstituteforpowerfulmagic Ithasitssetbacksthough.Itneedstimetoreplenishthemagiciftoomuchisusedatonce.Onlyonecanbeusedbecauseof itsrarity It’salsodangeroustousemorethanone ButnothingtoomuchofaproblemifitmeansIcanuseit! However,myexcitementcutsshortwhenIrememberanimportantfact.ThistomecomesfromProtheka.Alltheknowledge itcarriesisfromthemotherland WhereonEarthcanIfindthiskindofpreciousstone?
Isitbackonmylargechair,deflated.OnceagainI’mfacedwiththedisappointmentthatismylife.WhatwasIexpecting really?Thatthetomewillsuddenlycarryunlimitedknowledgeofanunknownplanet?
Wehaven’tbeenhereenoughtimeforittoactuallyhappen Also,there’sabsolutelynomagichere Thetome’sasuseless asIam.
“Damnit!”IcurseasIthrowthetomeawayfromme
Isinkintomychairandgrabatuftofhair.ThedeprecatingthoughtsreturnbutIdon’teventrytoshakethemoutofmyhead. They’realltrueanyway.
Isighdeeply,lettingtherealitysettlein.“AmIjustgoingtoretirealready?” Ihaven’tevenreached halfofmylifespanto evenconsider thatpossibility. Butwho could’ve seenthese turnofevents coming?Well,givenourtumultuousrelationshipwiththosedarkelves,itshould’vebeenassumedatleast Myattentiongoesbacktothetome.MaybeIdidn'tlookthoroughlyenough.Whatifthere’ssomethingIneedtodecode?My fatherdidsaythatthetomecarriesalltheknowledgeinexistence Icanbewrongaboutitbeinguselesshere “No,”Isay,shakingmyhead.“Theseuselesshopesofminewon’tdoanything.I'vereachedadeadend.”
But I do remember grandfather mentioning something before Astory of old
WhenIwasgainingmoreaffinityforpower,myfatherandgrandfatherwarnedmewithastory.Thestoryofashamanthat wasgrowingweak.Hecouldstillusestrongmagic,butitwasn’tenoughforhim.Theshaman,asthestorytells,usedcountless livingsacrifices animals,humans,andevenorcs,inexchangeforpower
IrememberbeingabsolutelydisgustedandhorrifiedwhenIlearnedofthis.Iwasyoungafterall.Butthinkingbacktothe story,theshaman’snodifferentthanhowIamnow Desperationcanmakesomeonedocrazyandawfulthings
But it’s evil magic,Iremindmyself.
Ishake myhead.Ican’tdothat.Where diditall gowrongthatIstartedthinkingaboutevil magic? Myfamilywouldbe ashamedofme I’mashamedofmyself
Withadefeatedsigh,Igetupfrommychairandwalkovertothewindow.Istareupatthemoon,longingforananswer.I findmyselfdoingthiseverynightoncemythoughtstakeoverme Lookingatitgivesmesomesenseofpeace
The orcs retire to their own dwellings, leaving the night in peace and silence. Everyone mourns Protheka, but I know they’restillcontenthere IhavetoremindmyselfthatIgaveitmyallsotheycangettowheretheyarenow
Ilookdownatmyhandsagainandsqueezethemtight.Ihavetogetaholdofmyself.ThelittlespectacleIdidisnothing shortofembarrassing.Thankthegodsnoonesawme.Theiropinionofmewoulddwindleiftheydid.
Myloss ofcontrol also made me go downa darkpath One Iswore I’ll never take “Whendid Ichange to this power hungryorc?”Imutter.
Ican’tblamethissideofmeonthelossofmypowers Igenuinelylovehelpingandhealingpeople It'sbeenlikethatsince Iwasyoung,butasIgrewup,theworldcompletelychangedme.
It’s more like I realized the realityof it Everyone's naïve as a child, includingme There’s more weight to carrythan simplyhelpingwithajustsmile.
Itakeadeepbreath,gatheringmyoncespiralingthoughts.
“Isthisreallyitforme?ShouldIgive humanmedicineachance?”
KIRSTEN kay,thisshouldbeenough,”Isaytomyself.
Igivetheherbsalastgoodmixingbeforesettingitontheside WhenBodhiandIbroughtthewolfback,shestill bled.ItnearlywentintoshockandIhadtoworkquickly.Thankfully,she’saresilientfellowandwithsomeemergency medication,she’sdoingbetterthanbefore.
I used all of the good batch, IthinkasIlookformoreyarrow Juliesusuallyhelpsmebutshe’snothereatthemoment.Iforgotwhereshesaidshe’llbegoingwithChieftainUli.Butit’s fine,it’snothingnew IjustwanttofinishthismorningsoIcansearchformoreherbs Itakethemixtureandbringittowherethewolflays.Shecrackshereyeopen,peeringoverwhatever’sinmyhands.
“This is for trauma wounds It has yarrow, witch hazel, and horsetail I know you can understand me, that’s why I’m explainingittoyou,”Isaytoher,eventhoughthemostresponseIgetisawhimper.
Withasmallspatula,Ipickagoodamounttospreadoverherwound.IliftthegauzeIputonaftertakingoffBodhi’sshirt. NottoomuchbloodiscomingoutsinceIgaveherasmallamountofbloodclottingmedication,butthismixtureshouldhelp “Okay,I’mputtingitonnow.It’sgoingtostingalittlebutIpromiseyou’llfeelmuchbetterafter,”Iassureher.
AsIputthepasteonherwound,sheletsoutacryandevengrowls Shedoesn’tsnapherjawsatmewhichI’lltakeasa goodsign.Evenifshedidtakeabiteoutofme,Iwouldn’tblameher.Sincethatjerk-facedorcdecidedtowastetimetoargue, I’msurethewolf’spainintensified
Iworkfasttogetall the moisture onher wound.She cries andyelps andgrowls buttakes itlike a champ.Iwanttocry alongwithherbutthatwon’thelpintheslightest.
This is the part I hate about my job IsighasIreplacethedirtiedgauze
Aftersecuringit,Icheckthewolf’scondition.Herbreathingreturnedtonormalbutshecouldstillusefluidsinsideofher.I carefullypether,receivingalicktothehand “I’mgladyou'resuchastronggirl,”Isaywithasmile.
I’malsogladthatBodhiwastheretointerfereintheargument.EventhoughIhatetoadmitit,mypridewould’vemademe trytowintheargumentwiththatbastard.Ifwekeptatit,thispoorthingwouldhavebledout.
Icheckherbreathingjusttobesure.Herheart’salittleslowbutnothingtoworryaboutanymore.Myownanxietylessens andIcanjustmonitorherfornow Istillneedtoseeifshehasanybrokenbones “Ifyou’re able totalk,tell me rightnow whohurtyou.Was itthatsonofa bitch?” Iaskthe wolf.She stares atme,and blinksonceortwice “I’llkeepitbetweenus”
IlaughtomyselfasIkeeptryingtoconvincethiscreaturetotellmeallitknows.Maybeit’ssothattheclinicwon’tfeelso emptywithoutJulie.Thetimealsogoesbyfaster.
AsIenjoythepeacefulquietwithmyfour-leggedpatient,there’sapoundingattheclinic’sentrance.Ithoughtitwasfrom nextdoorbutthepoundingcontinued.Acommotionsoonfollowsafterit.
“Help!Help!Openup!”theydesperatelyyell
QuicklyIruntowardsthedoorandopenit.Agroupoforcsrushin,carryingtwooftheirown.Alarmed,Ilookaroundthem tofindoutwhatthehell’shappening TheyalltrytoexplainatonceandIcan’tunderstandawordtheysay Iraisemyhands.“Wait,wait,everyonequiet.What’sgoingon?”
AsIaskthat,Inoticethefaceoftheorcsbeingcarried.Palefacesandtracesofblackbloodleakingfromtheirmouths. “OhmyGod!Whatthehellhappened!?” Fuck, what did they eat? Did they consume poison? Those are the only possible reasons I can think of. Since they’re massivebeingsIguessthepoison’stakingawhiletotakethemdown
Irunpastthegroupoforcsandopentheotherrooms.“Quickly,laythemdown!”
The orcs do as Isaywithoutanyhesitation. The victims groanandbellow whenthey're plopped onthe beds. Theyhold theirchestandstomach,hunchedoverastheymoan.
“YouhavetolayflatsoIcancheckyou,”ItellthemasItakeoutmypoisonkit “You’regoingtoneedtoopenyourmouths widesoIcantestforpoison.”
Beads ofsweatformontheir foreheads Theygrittheir teethas theytrytofollow myinstructions Ihelpthemalittleby pushingtheirbackagainstthebed.ItrynottodotoomuchsinceIknowhowpridefulorcscanbe.
Theygrip the beds tightlywiththeir fists Theyswallow hard and the noise comingfromtheir throats sound like they’re regurgitating.Therestoftheorcswaitbythedoor,carefullywatchingmedomywork.
Ichecktheirheartstomakesurebotharen’tgoingintocardiacarrest.They’rebeatingbuterraticallyandabnormally.Itake outthetestingstripsfromthepoisonkit
Iplacethemundertheirtonguesandtakeaswabfromthebackoftheirthroats.Boththeswabandthestripturnblack.
“They’repoisoned,”Isaygrimly Iturntowardstheotherorcs “Whatdidtheyeatordrink?Whendidtheylooklikethis?”
Theyall exchangedguilt-riddenlooks.Some scratchthe backoftheir necks andthe others avoideye contact.Icross my armsandraisemyeyebrows
“Well,then?Ihavetoknowwhatkindofpoisonitistotreatthem.”
Still, none ofthemwantto spititout. Icanalreadyimagine whythough. Theyknow exactlywhathappened and are too cowardlyto admitit God, these orcs reallyfrustrate me Theyactall highand mightybutwhenitcomes to admittingtheir wrongs,it'slikepullingoutteeth.
Finally, after staring a hole into their skulls, one orc bravely walks forward He meddled with his hands and glances betweenme,theorcs,andthepatients.
“To be honest, Abishek, the old shaman, was the one that gave themsomething to drink. He said it was medicine and wantedthemtotryit.Itwassupposedtohelpthemregaintheirstamina.”
Myeyesbulge.“What?”Iyellout.Iturntotheotherpatients.“Andyoujustblindlydrankthemedicine?”
Theoneclosesttomegroansout “He’sourshaman Wethoughthe’dbegoodatmedicineifheoncehadpowerfulmagic” It clicks that I know exactly who the hell they’re referring to. Abishek! That’s his name! And it’s him? He’s the one responsibleforthis?
Seriously!He’s so fucking clueless. What the hell was he thinking!?
Ifrownandrubmytemples.ThesecondIfoundhimoutinthetrees,Iknewhewasgoingtobetroublesome.It’smyfault fornotbeingmoreawareofthingsafterItookthewolfaway.Thelookofcompletedefeatonhisfacesaiditall.
Ishould’verealizedhewasgoingtodosomething.Whywouldn’the?Hewasadamantabouthealingthewolfwithbogus magic Hisstubbornnessandnaivetywon’tstopatforestcreatures Hewon’tgiveupeasily “Damnit!”IcurseasIslapthecounter.
Theorcsexchangeglancesatmysuddenoutburst Ican’toutrightinsulttheir shamaninfrontofthem,evenifhedidthis They’retootrustingfortheirowngood.
Withasigh,Iopenupacabinetbythewindow.
“Doyourememberwhatitsmelledlikebeforeyoudrankthemedicine?”Iasktheorcs “Itsmelledlikepiss.Itwasverymusty,justlikeanyothermedicine.”
Iroll myeyes withmybackfacingall ofthem Thatbastard used hemlockfor themto try!Buthe probablydidn’teven knowitwaspoisonsinceitlookslikeacommonplant.Soclueless!
“Medicine smells bitter, not musty,” I sayas I find the correct antidote “Next time you’re offered somethingyoudon’t recognize,pleasebringittome.”
Igivethemtheantidote.It’lltakeawhiletoseeitseffectbecauseoftheirsize.However,Ialsogivethempainmedicine forthetremorsandforanystomachissuestheymayhave
“I’ve givenyouenoughfor a week. Take the medicine withfood and keep hydrated,” Iadvise them. Iturnto the others. “They’llhavetostayattheclinicsoIcanmonitorthem”
Theyall nod their heads and exitone byone. Imake sure all the patients are nice and comfortable before Iunleashmy wrath IfIdon’tstopthatbastardrightnow,he’sgoingtocreateaplagueonthesettlement Irushoutofthe clinic and go directlyto his house. It’s the onlyobvious hutthat’s isolated fromthe restthathas runes plasteredalloverthefrontdoor.MybloodboilsandallIcanseeisred.
“Abishek,getoutofthererightnow!”
ABISHEK “A bishek,getoutofthererightnow!”
Irollmyeyesattheunsettlingandannoyingnoisecomingfromthatwoman “Great,hereshecomes,”Imutter.
ShecanshriekallshewantsbutIwon’topenthedoor.Idon’twanttoevenlookather.Afteraskingaboutheraroundthe settlement,Ilearnedwhosheisandwhatherbusinessisinthesettlement Kirstenisthenewdoctor.She’stheonethat’sgoingtotakemyplace.Ialwaysknewthatthetribewouldfindsomeoneto replaceme Theynolongerseeanyuseformehere Igritmyteethjustthinkingaboutit.ThemomentIlearnedofherpositionIcouldn’thelpmyselfbutlashoutattheorcthat informedme Hetriedtocalmmedownandtrytoofferwordsofencouragement,butIdidn’twanttohearanyofit Nowondersheactedhaughtylastnight.She’sawarethatherpresencethreatensmyauthorityhere.Ishouldn’thavelether takethewolfaway.IfoundherfirstandIknowIcould’vehelpedit.
Ishakemyhead,rememberingBodhi’swords Nomatter how muchithurts,he’sright IalreadydecidedlastnightthatI can’tletmyangercontrolme.Butit’ssodamnhardtodo.
“Isaidgetoutyoubastard!Iknowyou’reinthere!Stophiding!”
Thatwomanhounds onmyfrontdoor like a rabid animal. Itryto ignore her shrill noises and keep studyingthe plants I found
“Abishek!”Kirstenyellsagain.“Abishek,Isaidopenthisgoddamndoor!”
Ifrownandgetupfromthechair,marchingtowardsthedoorwithmystaffinmyhand.Iswingitopen,nearlyhittingher facewithit Ilookdowntoherstatureandgrowl
“Whatdoyouwant?Stopscreaming,youlunatic,”Isay.
She glares atme and pokes atmychest “Youhave some nerve callingme that Youpoisoned two orcs because ofyour medicine!Areyoucrazy?Howcanyoudothistothem?Whatdoyouevenknowaboutmedicine?”
Everyaccusationshethrowsfeelslikeastonebeingcrackedonmyskull.I’veneverseenahumanwithsuchimpudence. Notoncehasshehesitatedtogetinmyface.
Iclosethedoorbehindmeandtoweroverher.Myintimidationdoesn’tworkandshecontinuestolookatmedefiantly. “Youdon’tknowanything”Ifrown “Ididittohelpthem I’mmakingmedicinetohelporcs” She scoffs. “How canyoupossiblymake thatwhenyoudon’tevenknow anythingabouthumanmedicine? Orcs like you willcausemoredeaththanadisease!”
“Shutup,willyou?”Isnap.“Iusedherbstomakethemedicine.They’renothingdifferentfromProtheka.” “Especiallyherbs!Youusedhemlock!Iftheywereleftalonetheywould’vedied!Howcanyoubesostupidastoletthem takeitwithoutknowinganything?”
Withoutknowinganything?Shereallythinks ofmeas sofoolishtojustbedabblingwithrandomcrap.Ipickedupsome help fromthe shaman’s tome and compared the plants fromhere to Protheka’s If theyhave anyresemblance, surelythey’d workthesameway.
“Don’tspeakasifyouknow everything Thoseorcsvolunteeredtotakethemedicine Simpleasthat,”Itrytoexplainto her.
But she’s having none of it. She rolls her eyes and folds her arms across her chest. The small, red birthmark on her foreheadwrinkleswithinherforehead Herbrowneyesevenhaveatintofred Herscowlreachesdowntoherbones “Thatstilldoesn’tjustifyyoulettingthemtakepoison!Andsinceyousuddenlydecidedtomakemedicine,whydidn’tyou tryityourselffirst?”
Ihaven'tsaidanythingjustyet.SinceIknewwhatIwasdoingIdidn'tfindtheneedto.
“First of all, I won’t force anyone to do anything they don’t want to. Second of all, those orcs are well aware of the consequences,”Isayfirmly.
We all have our ownseparate minds here WhenIasked Zanzar and Loraikiftheycould help me withit, theyaccepted withouthesitation.Ieveninformedthemthatthisisanewconcoctionwithunknownplants.Thatitcouldbedangerous.
“We trust you, Abishek” is exactly what they said I do feel a little guilt arising but they knew what they were getting themselvesinto.I’msurethosetwoknowIneverhadtheintentiontohurtthem.IfKirstenkeepsspoutingnonsensetheymight thinkotherwise
“That’sthemostselfishthinganyonecouldsay,”shesnapsatme.Withaloudgroan,sherubshertemple.“Theytrustedyou andyoupracticallytookadvantageofthat.Whydidn’tyouofferBodhiyourmedicine?Youknewhe’dtellyouoff.”
“It’snotselfish,it’scommonsense Iwarnedthemit’sthefirsttimeImadeitandtheystilltookit ShouldIholdtheirhands ateveryturn?PerhapsIshouldtreatthemaschildrensinceyouseethemasmuch.”
Hermouthhangsopen “Whatthehelliswrongwithyou?HowdoyouevengetthatfromwhatIasked?” Ifrown.“Orcsdon’tneedbabyingifthat’swhatyouwanttohear.Treatthemassuchandseehowfarthatgetsyou.” “Oh,isthatanotherthreat?Seriously,Iwaswonderingwhyyoutooksolong,Abishek”
“Don’tsaymyname.Itsoundslikeacursecomingoutofyourmouth.”
KirstenpoutsandInoticeherclenchinghersmallhands.Theyshakeandhercheeksturnred.Sheclenchesherjaw andI cantellshe'stryingtokeephercalm Eventhoughthatwentoutthewindowassoonassheapproachedmyhome I smirk. “You’re about to start frothing. Why don’t you go back to that pretentious clinic of yours and take something. Preferablymedicinethat’llmakeyougotosleep”
“Excuseme?Wheredoyougetoffonsayingthatkindofcraptome?” “Idon’tcare who youare, doctor. You’re the one thatcame shoutingaccusations atmydoor. Did youexpectme notto defendmyself?”
“How is it defendingyourself if younearlykilled two orcs!? Youshouldn't be dabblinginanythingyoudon’t have the slightestideaof Endofstory”
Iturnaround,havingenoughofthispointlessconversation.It'sallabouttrialanderror.I’msureIwon’thaveahardtime findingorcstotestthemedicine Theshaman’stomeisenoughhelp ButasIwalkbacktomyhouse,Ifeelherpullmyarm.
“Uh,excuseme?Wheredoyouthinkyou’regoing?Iwasn’tfinished.” Isnatchmyarmaway.“Iwas.Idon’thavetimetoarguewithyou.Ineedworktodo.”
“You’restillgoingtomakemedicine?AftereverythingItold?Youreallyareabastardofthehighestorder!”
“IcandowhateverthehellIwant!Iknowwhat’sgoodformytribe!”
“Noyoudon’t!You'regoingtokillthemifyoukeepactingsostupidandselfishly!”
We’reateachother’sthroats Ifshewasn’tahumanfemaleI’dfighther Ifonlyshewasn’tI’dteachheralesson “Youpoisonedthem!Getthatthroughyourhead!They’rerecoveringbecauseIhelpedthemintime!Oneoftheotherorcs youhaven’ttriedtokillsaidthattheonlythingtheyhadwasyourstupidmedicine!”
“Enoughalready!Youdon’tevenknowwhattheyatebeforemymedicine,theycould’veingestedsomethingelseanddidn’t sayanything!”
Idon’twanttobowdowntoher Iknowitwasmymedicinethatcausedtheirailments ButIjustcan’tadmitit Myprideis theonlythingIhaveleftrightnow.
“Stopmakingexcuses,Abishek!”
“Andyoustopcallingmyname,youlowlyhuman!”
Duringourscreamingmatch,weattractedacrowd.IbarelynoticedthemuntilIrealizedthatthecrowdincludedJulieand Uli Theystandattheveryfront
Theyapproachusoncewestoppedyelling.
Fuck
Damnit,thisisn'treallytherighttimetoconfrontUli.He’sthelastpersonIwanttomeet.
“What’sgoingonhere?”Uliasks,moretomethantoKirsten “You’recausingacommotion”
Kirstendoesn’thesitatetotell him.“Abishekgavetwoorcs'medicine’buthepoisonedtheminstead.They’refinebuthe won’tadmithe’swrongoreventrytofixthings.”
Uliturnstome “Abishek?Isthattrue?”
“Igave themmedicine tohelpwiththeir stamina.Iwas followingthe directionfromthe shaman’s tome,” Itrytodefend myself
ButassoonasIseethedisappointmentinUli’seyes,Ishutup.It’slikeablowtomygut.Isighandgritmyteeth,leftwith nootherchoicebuttoadmitthewholetruth.
“I’mtryingtolearnhumanmedicine,”Imutterasmypridetakesahit.
Ulilooksatme,surprised,andevensmiles.Shiversrundownmyspineatthesuddenshiftofexpression.Whatisthatsmile
for?
“Great!That'samazing!Youwanttolearnhumanmedicine,”hesayscheerfully. “Yes?”Iretortcautiously Hesmilesrathermischievously.“Kirstenistheperfectteacher.Fromnowon,you’regoingtolearnfromher!” “What?”KirstenandIblurtoutatthesametime,horrified There’sabsolutelynoway!
KIRSTEN Thiscan’tbehappening.Myeyesfillwithtearsofrage,unabletostomachthethoughtoftakingAbishekonasastudent.
He’sarrogant,he’sobnoxious,hemakesmyskincrawljustbybeingnearhim
“Idon’tthinkthisisagoodidea,”Isay,hopingUliwilltakeenoughpityonmetoretractthisridiculoussuggestion. “I…Wedon’tworkwelltogether.”
“Thiswillbeagoodchancetoworktogether,then Ourclanneedscohesionandcooperationbetweenourmembers,”Uli repliessimply,eyesflutteringbetweenmyselfandthesulkingAbishek.“Mydecisionisfinal.”
Ordersfromthechieftaincanneverbequestioned Wemustfollowthem,unlesswewanttofacetheconsequences Furycoursesthroughmybody,makingmyjawclenchandfistsballup.MyblurryeyeslandonJulie,whosendsmeasmall smile It’senoughtomakemefeelsick
Why would she smile at me like that? She’s enjoying this, isn’t she? Mocking me. Relishing in the fact that I’ll have to spend more time around that brute
IglareatAbishek,andtonosurprise,he’sshootingdaggersatme,too Howarewesupposedtogetanysortofworkdone whenwehateeachother?
Uliclearshisthroat,catchingmyattention Then,thechieftainsmirks
“IexpecttoseeanimprovementinAbishek’sknowledgebynextweek.Matteroffact,Iwillpersonallystopbyandquiz himonafewthingsheshouldknowbythen”
Ittakeseverythingwithinmetoholdbackthegrimacewantingtoemergeonmyface.Great.NowIhavetoparentthedamn orc,makingsurehe’ssoakingupwhatI’mteachinghim.I’drathershovelrocksintohiscockyfaceinstead.
“Doesthissoundgood?”Uliasks,raisinghishandsandlookingbetweenus Ifheexpectsananswer,he’snotgettingone Atleastnotfromme.
Itseemsasifthechieftainsensesthetension,butatthesametime,hedoesn’tcare Aself-satisfiedgrinappearsonhisface andherespondstooursilencewithanaffirmativenod.
“Great.Ican’twaittoseewhatresultsfromthisexcellentpairing.”
Bythatpoint,Ican’thelpbutrollmyeyesindisgust.Thisisridiculous.Everypartofit.Mybodyphysicallyrecoilsatthe thoughtofspendinganextendedperiodoftimearoundAbishek.
“Julie,”Icallout,justassheturnstofollowUliinhisdeparture “Julie!”
“Yes?”JulieflinchesattheintensityinmygripasIgrabherwrist.“What’swrong,Kirsten?”
“Youknowexactlywhat’swrong,”Ihiss “Ican’tdothis!Idon’twanttotakehimonasadamnstudent!Youhavetohelp me.YouneedtotellUlithatthisisn’tgoingtowork.Ifhewantsmetomentoranyoneelse,fine,butnothim.” JuliegazesatAbishekbeforesighing.Hershouldersslumpandsheplacesherhandovermine.
“Look,I’lldowhatIcan,butit’shardtochangeUli’smindoncehe’ssetonsomething.ButI’lldomybest.” “Please.I’lldoanything.”
“Justtrytofollowhisordersinthemeantime,okay?It’sforyourowngood Uliwon’thesitatetopunishyouifyoudon’t andIwon’tbeabletohelpyouifthingsgettothat.”
“I ”Pausing,itsoonhitsmethatI’llhavetomakethisorctagalongwithmeforawhile Uliwillkeephiseyesonus,I’m sure.Asfrustratingasitis,Inod.“Fine.I’lldoitifyoupromisemethatyou’llgethimtochangehismind.”
“Ican’tpromiseanything,Kirsten,butI’lldomybest.”
ThebleaknessunderlyingherwordstellsmethatIshouldstartmakingpeacewithUli’sdecision Itdoesn’tlooklikehe’ll budgeanytimesoon,whichmakesmewonderwhatIdidtodeservethisfate.
Withanothersympatheticlook,JulieturnsonherheelsandfollowsafterUli Behindme,Abisheksighsloudly Everylittle thinghedoesirritatesmeinaninstant.Idon’tknowhowI’llbeabletogetthroughonedaywithhimasmystudent.
It’s all his fault.
Thosewordsechoinmymind,makingitdifficulttoglanceathim.IfIdo,allthehatredandcontemptinsideofmewillbe asobviousastheskyisblue
Why did he have to say that he was interested in learning human medicine? I bet that’s not even true. He’s far too arrogant to think human medicine matches up to his shamanism
Idon’thavetimetoteachmedicinetoanindividualwhothinkshe’sfarsuperiorthanhumans.
Crackingmyknuckles,Iturntowardshimwithenoughvenominmywordstosting “Idon’tknowwhyyousaidwhatyou didwhenit’sclearthatyou’renotinterestedinhumanmedicineatall.”
Abishekhuffs.“Knowyourplace.Youdon’tknowwhatIwantordon’twant.”
“Yes,Ido Icanseeitinyourexpressionsandthewayyouaddressme,”Ireplybrusquely “Youdon’tlikemeverymuch, whichisfine.Thefeelingismutual.”
“Youhavefartoomuchself-importance,”hesays,wavingmeoff “Idon’tcareaboutyou Alive,dead,well,orill,I’mnot interestedinyourlifeatall.”
“Well,thankstoyou,we’rebeingforcedtoworktogether,soyoubetterswallowthoseinsultsandgetreadytowork”
ThemoreIthinkaboutit,themoreenragedIbecome.WhyshouldIbeforcedtodothis?It’sawasteoftimeandaslapin theface.DespitethefactthatIcouldbespendingmytimehealingtheclanmembers,I’mstuckwithhiminstead.
Damn you, Uli I would never say that to his face, but I hope he knows just how pissed off he’s made me Onsecondthought,there’snowayIcandothis.He’lldonothingmorethanenragemeonadailybasis.Hedoesn’ttreatme withanysortofrespect I’llbedamnedifI’mforcedtoendurethisbecauseofUli Chieftainornot,he’safoolfordoingthistome.
“Ican’tdothis,”Imumbletomyself,loudenoughforAbishektohear.“Idon’twanttodothis.Spendyourdayshowever youwantaslongasthey’refarawayfromme.”
Abisheklaughsdryly.“Sothat’showthingsaregoingtogo?Youwon’teventrytofollowthechieftain’sorders?” “Idon’twantto Idon’tcareifthatmeansI’llhavetobepunishedinfrontofthewholeclan”
“It’sagoodthingyou’rebeinghonestaboutyourfeelings,”hereplies.“Ifitwereuptome,Iwouldn'tevenspeaktoyou.I wouldn’tevenspendtimearoundyou”
“Right,”Iretort,sarcasmoozingoutofmywords.“BetweenyouandI,I’mnottheonewithanissuewithmyconfidence.” “Whatdidyousay?”
“I’mconfidentinmyabilitiesathealing.Ican’tsaythesamethingaboutyouandthefactthatUliwantsyoutolearnfroma humanburnsyouupinside.Webothknowthattobetrue.”
Abishekbareshisteethatme Maybeinothercircumstances,I’dbeafraidofhim Oneorccandestroyadozenhumans Rightnow,IwouldrathertakeonUli’swraththanwasteanotherdayaroundAbishek.
“You’reapitifulhuman,”hespits “Howdareyousaysuchthingstome?Iusedtobepowerful!Iusedtobeoneofthebest shamansaround!”
“Andall ofthatisinthepast,”Ipointout.“Itisn’ttrueanymore.Now,you’rejustanemptyshell whocan’tevenheal a woundedwolf”Ishakemyhead “IdoubtUliwillpunishmegravely I’mneededaroundhere”
“SoamI!”heroars.“Idon’tcarewhatUlidoestome!There’snothinghecandotomakemylifeworsethanitalreadyis! Lockmeup?”Abishekscoffs “Thatdoesn’tscareme I’msurethatwouldbebetterthanspendingtimebyyourside” Now,it’smyturntolaugh.Wipingatmyeyes,Ishoohimoff.
“You’recrazy There’ssomethingwrongwithyou” “Andyou’readisgraceofahealer!”
Thatcommentgives me pause. Iwatchas he storms offto his home, dragginghis feetacross the ground as he goes. My heartthunderswithinmychest,wonderingifmywordswerealittletoocruel Why should you worry about him now? He doesn’t care about your feelings, so you shouldn’t do the same for him. Listen to what he just said!He called you a disgrace! Mynosewrinklesindisgust.
IfhetrulythinksI’mthatmuchofadisgrace,thenI’llprovehimwrong I’llshowhimexactlywhathe’smissingoutonby refusingtoworkwithahumanhealer.
AnewsenseofdeterminationswarmsmeasImakemywaytowardstheclinic. Abishekwillregretthosewords I’llmakehimswallowthembackdownthroughforce,ifIhaveto
ABISHEK amnit.”
Myhandstremble Mybreathingbecomesstaggered JustasIthoughtIwasmakingprogresswithhumanmedicine, justasIbelievedIwasmasteringtheherbsandtheircombinations,Ifuckup.Immensely.
“This is nogood,”Imumble,wantingtotakethis bowl ofmedicinal herbs andchuckitintothenearestwall.Scatter the stupidpiecesandstomponthemuntilthere’snothingleft “Nogood!It’sshit!”
Whyisn’titworking?Whycan’tIincorporatetheknowledgeIhavefromProtheka?Ismytrainingnouse?
Ifeellikeanovice,abumblingfoolwhodoesn’tknowhisleftsfromhisrights NoonewantstoeatthemedicineImake It’sbeenthreedayssinceIlastpoisonedsomeone.SinceIlastsawKirstenandhercontemptuouseyes.
I’msureshewouldbelaughingopenlyatmerightnow,ifshesawhowbrutallyI’vefallenfromgrace Shedoesn’tneedto humbleme.Myskills,orlackthereof,aredoingagoodjobathumblingme.
What’s wrong with me… I’m not usually this inept Pacingaroundmyhome,Itrytoretracemysteps Theingredients wereaddedinthecorrectorder,weretheynot?Inthe correctquantities.Aburningrage threatens toconsume me as Ibegintorealize thatmaybe,justmaybe,I’minneedofsome help
AndtheonlypersonaroundwhocanhelpmeisKirsten.Thatobnoxioushumanwomanwhodoesnothingmorethanserve asathorninmyside
No.Iwon’tletthishappen.Ican’tletherbestme.
“Damnit.”Thetremblinginmyhandsbecomestoopersistent.AsIreachforthebowl,itslipsoutofmyhands.Andinmy fury,Ithrowitagainstthewalluntilthebowlturnstobits “Damnit!”
AhowloffrustrationescapesmeasIbangmyfistsintothetable.Ihavehalfamindtodestroyitnext,butifIactoutonmy rage,I’llbeleftwithnofurniture
“Ulihasn’tsaidanything,”Imumble,pickingatmyfaceincessantlyuntilI’mclosetomutilatingmyself.“It’simpossiblehe doesn’tknow.He’sthefuckingchieftain.Hewouldhavesaidsomethingbynow.Hewouldhave…”
Mybreathingquickens and myvisionblurs. Withno word fromUli, the more tense Ibecome. The pressure threatens to dragmeunder,makingmeunabletofocusonanythingmorethanmyrepeatedfailure.
What if you just asked for some help? Swallow your pride and visit Kirsten Iscoffloudlyatthe petulantvoice inmymind. Whata foolishthingto consider!Iwould never do sucha thing. That’s lettingherwin
Suddenly,loudknocksnearlytumbledownmydoor.Istiffeninmyspot,quicklyrealizingthemessI’vemadeofmyhome. Scatteredbitsofbowlarestrewnacrossthefloor.Herbsdecoratemymessytable,fillingtheirairwiththeirintoxicatingscent. Athinlayerofsweatcoatsmyskin.DoIlooklikeamess?Ifeellikeone.
“Openup,Abishek!Weknowyou’reinthere!”
Shit Irecognizethatvoice It’sBodhi
Againstbetterjudgment,Iapproachthewindowcarefullyandpullopenthecurtains.Mybreathcatchesinmythroat.
Sure enough,Bodhi stands there,flankedbytwoother orcs whose names escape me Ican’tevenremember ifI’ve ever seenthembefore.AmIgoingcrazy?Ormaybeit'stheherbsthataremakingmeactthisdelirious.
MyhandsweepsacrossmynoseasIsniffleloudly.Yes.Theherbs.It’salltheirfault.
“Damnit,”Bodhimumblesloudlyenoughtopermeatethewalls “Keepknocking We’renotleavinguntilhefacesus” ThatmeansIcan’tescapethroughawindow.They’dhearme.Then,they’dprobablychasemedownandhumiliatemeeven further
won’tleavemealone.Whycan’tanyoneleavemealone?That’sallIwant! “Coming,”Ireply,shakingmyhead.Theknocksvibratethewalls.“Coming!” Iwhipopenthedoor,frowningdeeplyatBodhiandhiscompanions Myeyestrailacrosstheirgrimexpressions “Whatisthis,Bodhi?Whyareyoubeingsoaggressive?HaveIcommittedacrime?HaveIkilledsomeone?” Bodhisighs,pinchingthebridgeofhisnose Then,withthesamehand,hemakesamotiontotheorcsbesidehim “Goon Restrainhim.”
“What?”
“Forgive me, Abishek,” he says, as the orcs push forward past the threshold of my home to take me by the arms. “I wouldn’tbedoingthisifitweren’tonUli’sorders.”
Fuck Of course Uli knew what was going on And now I’m in trouble
“Letgoofme!”Oninstinct,Ithrashagainstthehold.MyarmsflailasItrytopunchandkickattheorcswhowrestlemeto theground,butmyexhaustiontriumphsovermyefforts “Youcriminals!Howdareyourestrainmeinmyownhome?”
“Abishek!”Bodhiexclaims,placinghishandonmyshouldersandforcingmetolookathimwhiletheorcskeepmeasstill aspossible “Youneedtostopstruggling Itwon’tdoyouanygood”
“Sayswho?”Iretort,myarmthreateningtoswipeacrossthefaceoftheorconmyrightwhodigshisnailsintomyskin.I wanttospitinhisface,buttheanglemakesitimpossible.“Bodhi,explainthistome!AmIintrouble?”
“Ulisentus”Then,hesighs “Loosenyourgriponhim,Ulmug!Weneedhimrestrained,notbeatdownandbroken!” “Goaheadandbreakmyarms.You’llbedoingmeafavor,”Ihiss,succumbingtotheirhold.
Oncetheyfeeltheresolveleavingmylimbs,theyloosentheirgripandguidemetothenearestseat Theysitmedown,but theyholdmedownbytheshoulders tomakesureIstayput.Iwanttoyell atthem,exclaimhow there’snousefightingback againstabrokenorc,butthatmightmakemelookevenmorepatheticthanIalreadyam.
Agrimace passes over Bodhi’s face as a shard of bowl cracks underneath his foot. “What have you done to yourself, Abishek?Thisisnowaytolive.”
“That’snoneofyour concern,”Ireplyquickly,tooashamedtolookhimintheeyes Isupposethingscouldbeworse At leastit’snotUliseeingthestateofmyhomeafterpracticinghumanmedicinebymyself.“WhydidUlisendyou?Justtotorment memore?”
Bodhiglancesattheorcsonmyside.Then,henods.Withthatgesture,theorcsstartdraggingmeoutthedoor.
Fearofhumiliationhitsmefirst.Idon’twanttherestoftheclantoseemeinthisstate.Ihaveareputationtomaintain.I usedtobepowerful.Iusedtoberespected.HowwasIabletofallsolow?
“Bodhi!”Iyell,grittingmyteethagainstmyrestraints.“What’sthemeaningofthis?Youdon’thavetodragmeoutofmy ownhome,Icanwalk!Ihavetwoworkinglegs!I’mnotaprisoner!”
Or am I?
Bodhipauses,liftinguphishandtomakeusallstopmoving Hejutshisbottomlipoutinthoughtbeforetossingaglance over hisshoulder.Thatdoesn’tmakemefeel anybetter.Instead,itmakesmewonder ifUli hasmorenefariousplansfor my fate.
WasIthatmuchofanuisance?DoesUliwantmedead?
“Don’tbe so roughwithhim,” he reminds the orcs. Then, he turns his whole bodyto face us. “Youknow, that’s a good wordtodescribethesituation”
Iraiseabrow.
“Prisoner,”heclarifies,followedbyasmile “You’llunderstandsoonenough” “What?I’mgoingtoprison?”
“Morelikehousearrest.”
Myeyes widensignificantly Then, we startto move again The orcs dragme along, allowingmyfeetto skid alongthe groundastheywhiskmeaway.Thewordsechoinmymind. House arrest.
WhatgoodwillIbeunderhousearrest?WhatisUliupto?
WhenIseehimagain,I’mgoingtolethimknowhowstupidheis.Idon’tcareifhe’sthechieftain.Heneedstoknowthat he’slostmyrespectfor doingthistome Isthishow hetreatsmewhenheknowsI’mstruggling?Hehasthegall tokickme whileI’mdown?
Iblinkslowly.I’mconfused.
“Bodhi,”Icallout Hedoesn’tglanceatme “IfI’mgoingtobeunderhousearrest,thenwhyaren’tyoudraggingmeback intomyhome?”
“You’llsee”
“Idon’tlikethatdamnanswer.”
“Ican’telaboraterightnow,Abishek,I’msorry.You’llunderstandwhat’sgoingonsoonenough.”
Somethingstrangeisgoingon.Nothingaboutthismakessense,butI’mtooweaktofightbackanddemandanswers.Still,a boilingragesimmersinsideme.Howdarethey?
