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Blurb andCharacters

Returningtomysmall-townroots,Ican'tbelievemynewjobiswithmyex-boyfriend'sdad.

Vincent, a widowed principal, seeks someone to bring joy to his daughter Astrid's life. His pain and Astrid's need for a motherlyfigurecollide.

Acceptingthejobfeelslikesteppingintoaforbiddenrealm,givenourpastconnectionandthe18-yearagegap.

Theirlaughterfillsmyearsandwarmsmyheart I'mafamilymember Awelcomeguestintheirlove-filledbubble

Hisvibranteyes,sharedglances,andthatstolenkisslitamillionfiresinmysoul.

Thetowngossip,anagegap,andthememoryofmyexcreatecomplications.

Yet,everygrumpy,dominantinchofhimstirsdesiresIcan'tignore

CanIresisttemptation,orwillmyreturntoAshlandrewriteourstory?

Theallureofforbiddenlovemayjustbetootemptingtoresist.

1) MMC–Vincent Miller: 49-year-oldVincentis justtryingto returnnormalcybackinto his life. Whenhis wife Gretchen passed away five years ago, it left not only a void in his heart, but it completely destroyed Astrid, his now 10-year-old daughter.Withthenewschoolyearabouttobegin,heneedstohireanannysinceAstridgetsoutofschoolearlierthanhe'dget offofwork.AndbecauseAstridwouldrather behomeafter school andnotinafter-school activities,Vincenthonors thatby decidingtohireananny.

2)FMC–FaithYoung:31-year-oldFaithhasjustmovedbacktoAshlandafterrealizingthebigcityisn'tforher.It'sabreath offreshairtobebackinherhometown,andeventhoughshewishesherparentsstilllivedthere,shepromisestosettleintoa newlifethere.Shecomesacrossajobpostingforanannyanddecidestotakethejobsincesheloveschildren.Notonlythat, butsheknowsthegirlduetoaguyshedatedinthepast

3)Child–AstridMiller:10-year-oldAstridcan'tseemtofindthefuninlifeanymore.Afterlosinghermothertoheartdisease fiveyearsago,Astridhasprettymuchwithdrawnfromwantingtoplaywithotherkidsandhasisolatedherself.Vincenttriesto bepatientwithherandhopesthatoneday,she'llbegintofeellikeheroldself.

Chapter 1

Vincent

“WHATAMIGOINGtodo?”

Istress out loud to myselfwhile clickingthroughmyemails. Ihave about three more days before school resumes intown. Beingthetownprincipalforalltheschools,whicharen’tmanyduetolivinginasmalltown,meansImustbepresentonthe firstday.TheproblemisthatmydaughterAstridisinelementaryschoolandthatschoolletsouttheearliest.

Ihavetobeontheclockuntileveryschoolhasletoutfortheday.Thehighschoolgetsoutat4:15pm,whiletheelementary schoolletsoutat2:15pm.Itwouldbefineifmyten-year-olddaughterAstridattendedanafter-schoolprogramorwenthome withafriend,butsherefuses.EversincemylatewifeGretchen’spassing,mydaughterhasn’tbeenthesame.

She’swithdrawnandnolongerenjoysthethingssheusedtolove She’spulledawayfromsocializing,especiallywithherbest friendMolly,andwantstostaytoherself.Shetoldmeshefeelsbetterathome,andImustdowhatevershe’smostcomfortable with.

TheproblemisthatI’llneedsomeonetobeherewithheruntilIgethome.WithAshlandbeingasmalltown,allbusinessesare localandfamily-run.Teenagersandyoungadultsworkintheirfamilybusinesses,sofindingmydaughteranannyisharder.The fewapplicantsI’vegottenareelderswhoneedmorewatchingthantheycanwatchachild.

“IfJimmywashere ”Istarttosaywhilerubbingmytemplesinfrustration Ofcourse,thethoughtofmyestrangedsongives me more ofa headache. Itwould be nice to imagine he’d step inand lookafter his sister for me.. butIknew thatwouldn’t happen. WhenGretchenpassed awayfive years ago, JimmyleftAshland rightafter her funeral and hasn’tbeenheard from since

Hedoesn’tevencallus,andhisneglectinghissisterhasn’thelpedwhatshe’salreadygoingthrough Jimmylikestoblameus forhavingAstridwhenhewas22asthereasonforhimactingout.Intruth,Jimmyhadalwaysbeenatroubledandrebellious boy.HismotherandIdidallwecouldtostophimfromgoingdownthewrongpath.

Ithadbeenhisdestinytogodownthatpathnomatterwhatwecouldhavedonetopreventthat.

Itbreaksmyheartthathewouldabandonhislittlesisterlikethis Heistheonlysiblingshehas Igrewupunderstandingthat youshouldloveandcareforyourfamily.Theoldersiblingslookaftertheyoungersiblingsandprotectthem.

JimmyhasneverbeenthatkindofbrothertoAstrid,andshehasalwayswonderedifitwasherfaultforthewayJimmywanted nothingtodowithher.

I’mabouttoexitmyemailwhenthedoorbellrings,piquingmycuriosity.Iwonderifit’sapackageIhavetosignforasIstand

upfromthecouchandleavethelivingroom Ilookthroughthepeepholeandrecognizeafamiliarfacebeforeopeningthedoor

IsquintasItrytorememberwhereIknowtheyoungladyfrombeforemyeyeswideninrecognition

“FaithYoung?Wow,ifthisisn’tasurprise!”

Faithhadmovedoutoftownyearsagoforthebigcity.She’salwaysbeenclosetoourfamilysinceshedatedJimmyinhigh school.Evenaftertheirbreakup,GretchenandIstilllikedtohaveheraround.

“Hey,Mr. Miller. Ihope I’mnotinterrupting. Ijustmoved backintotown, and while browsingjob openings,Icame across yournannypostingforAstrid.Pleasetellmethatitstillhasn’tbeenfilled?”

It’s incredible how muchlife and time canchange someone. Faithgrew up here, so Iknew her and her whole family. As a youngadultinherearlytwenties,shebabysatAstridwhenGretchenandIfinallyhadhertowardsourlatethirties

HearingheraskingforthenannypositionIdesperatelyneededtofillmademefeelalltheweightfinallyliftoffmyshoulders.I grinnedwithacurtnodofmyhead

“Yes,itis.ButIneedyourwholedaytobeavailableforemergenciesatherschoolifshehastostayhomesickfromschool and whenshe gets out Ihave no problempayingyoueighthours or more dailyduringthe week, evenwhenyoudon’thave her.”

Her eyes lightup atthat, and Isee we have a deal before she opens her mouth. “Wow. Ihave no problemkeepingmydays open. I’m still settling down from the move and still have many boxes to unpack. And I’m still buying furniture for my apartment,whichworksperfectlyforme”

“Well,letmeknowifyouneedanyhelpwiththat,”Iofferbecausethat’sjustthekindofpersonIam.Ialwaystrytobehelpful, even when my demeanor doesn’t match that Being a principal means you have to have an authoritative side to you Commandingrespectandbeingthepersontohelpstaffandstudentsfallinline.

Thebestschoolsexcelinexcellentacademicsandkeepinganorganizedstructurewithinthesystem.

Growingup,ithadbeenmydreamtobecomeaprincipal,andIusedtogetmadefunofbymypeersforsuchacareerdream I admitthatIcansometimescomeoffascoldafterlosingGretchen.MydaughterandIhadbeensubmergedindarknessforso longthatIwasstillclawingtothesurfacetowardthelight.

“I’llbesuretoholdyoutothatifIneedthehelp.Thankyouagain.Isthereanythingyouneedfrommebesidesmyresumeand references ”

Iburstoutlaughing,whichcutheroffmid-sentence.Hereyebrowsdrawinfrombeingconfusedatmylaughter.“Myapologies, I’mnotlaughingatyou Iunderstandwhyyou’daskifIneedanyofthat,butIdon’t Iknowyou,Faith,andAstridisingreat handswithyou.Youalsoknowmyhouselikethebackofyourhand,orstillshould,sincenothinghaschanged.I’mmoreeager thannervoustohaveyoulookingafterAstridforme.”

“IguessitwassillytothinkIneededthat,huh?Ijustgotusedtohavingtodothatwhilelivinginthecity.Theydofullfederal backgroundchecksbeforehiringyouforajob”

Irubthebackofmyheadbecausethatisabitmuch.Giventhatthecitypopulationismuchhigherthanoursmalltowns,Icould understand Wealreadyknowenoughaboutsomeone’sbusinesswholiveshereandrarelygetout-of-townerswhomovehere Oursheriff’sstationhasalwaysbeenenoughtohelpkeepcrimeandviolencedownhere.

“No,you’refine.IsitokayifIcallyoulatertosetupatimetodiscussthejobfurther?”

“Ofcourse!”Shedigsthroughherpurseandpullsoutapen,confusingme “Icanwritemynumberdown ”

“Faith,weliveinthecountrybutstillhavetechnologyhere.Ihavemyphone,”Iteaseherwhilepullingoutmycellphone.She grabsitwithaflusteredfacetoputhernumberinbeforehandingitbacktome

“IguessI’llbegoingnow.Thankyousomuchagainfortheopportunity.IpromiseIwon’tletyoudown.”Shewavesgoodbye atmebeforesteppingofftheporchtowalkdownthewalkway Istareafterherwiththissmileonmyfacebeforesteppingfully backintothehouseandclosingthedoorbehindme.

Myfistlightlyknocksagainstmydaughter’sdoortoannouncemypresence.“Hey,sweetie,doyoumindifIcomeintotalk?”

There’scontinuedsilencebeforehersmallvoicefinallycomesthroughthedoortosayIcancomein Iturnthedoorknoband stepinsidetoseemydaughterlyinginbed.She’sdressedinherpajamaswhilewatchingcartoonsonhertelevision.

Herfaceisblank,anexpressionI’veunfortunatelygottenusedtoovertheyears,withnoexcitementinhereyeswhilewatching cartoons. After her mother’s passing, mydaughter shrunkinto her shell and became withdrawn. Itdidn’thelp thatmyidiot, heartlesssonalsotookoffrightafterhismother’sfuneral,nevertobeheardfromagain

Inhereyes,westartedasfourinafamily,andnowwe’redowntoaduo.Thereareeventimesshe’safraidthatshe’sgoingto losemenext IdomybesttoreassureherthatI’mnotgoinganywhere,butsinceshedoesn’topenuptome,I’munsureifshe believesthat.

Isitontheedgeofherbedasshegrabsherremotetopausethetelevision IhopethenewsIgiveherwillelicitasmilefrom her.AstridhadbeenveryclosetoFaith,likewhenakidhastheirfavoritecounseloratsummercamp.Shehadbeenfouryears oldwhenFaithmovedawaysixyearsago

“So,Ifinallyfoundanannytowatchyouwhenyouleaveschool.They’reevengoingtopickyouupfromschoolifyoudon’t wanttowalkhomealone ”

“It’sokayifIstillwalkhomebymyself.Ilikewalkingalone.”Hearingthatcausessadnesstofillupinmyheart.Mydaughter has alreadybeenalone enoughsince pushingher friends away She has a best friend, Molly, withwhomshe has beenbest friendssincepreschool.

ButeversinceGretchenpassed,Astridhasn’tspokentoanyoneoutsideherschoolguidancecounselorandmeaboutanything otherthanschool.Itakethisasherstillgrieving,butitstillworriesmetoseeachildheragesowithdrawn,mainlywhenshe usedtobesofriendly

“Iunderstand,andthat’sfine.YourememberFaith,right?Sheusedtocomearoundandbabysityouwhenyouwereyounger.”

“Faith?”Hereyeswideninsurprise.“Yes,Irememberher.Shestillsendsmepostcards,birthdaycards,andChristmascards.”

“She’smovedbacktotownandwantstobeyournanny.”

“Ohmygosh?!”

Her enthusiasmsurprises me. Ihaven’tseenher face lightup like this for years, notevenduringher lastfew birthdays and Christmases Agrinspreadsacrossmyfacetoseemylittlegirlshowingthislevelofhappiness

“IwillseeifsheandIcanmeettomorrowtodiscussthejobfurther.”

“I want to see her! I haven’t seen her in so long!” Astrid sounds excited and whiny at wanting to see her once favorite babysitter.Inodmyhead.

Ithenstandtomyfeettoexitmydaughter’sbedroomwithwarmthinmyheart.SomethingtellsmethatFaithbeingbackwill helpturnthingsaroundformylittlegirl

I’munsureifit’smyintuitionor justhow thingsarelookingupalreadyafter Faith’sarrival.For thefirsttimeinsuchalong time,Idon’tfeelhelplessaboutthesituationconcerningmydaughter

My smile touches my eyes as I sigh happily over Faith, seemingly coming to the rescue. Thinking about how well she’s permanentlybondedwithAstrid

I’llstilldomyparttoensuremydaughterprogressespositivelyintobeingthebright,happychildsheusedtobe.ButnowIfeel I’llhavemorehelpwithFaithsteppingintohelpinwaysIstruggle.

IhopeshecanhelpAstridbecomethehappychildshe’dalwaysbeen

Faith

THAT WENT BETTER THAN

I had expected it to

Ithinkto myselfindelightwhile lyingacross myqueen-sized bed inmyone-bedroomapartment. Ihad gone to the Miller’s withhighhopesthatI’dbegiventhejob.Ididn’tevenmindifIhadtointerviewforitifitmeantbeinghiredforit.

I’ve never worked a job that didn’t involve children I started babysittingat thirteenwhenI wanted to earnextra money I babysatforallmyteenageyearsandearlytwentiesuntilImovedtoReinford,abigcitythatdrewmyattention.

OnceImovedtothecity,Igotajobasadaycareteacher,discoveringhowdifferenthiringisinthecitycomparedtothetown Youhadtobuildresumes.Some jobs evenprefer references before hiringyou.Andthe backgroundcheckinvolvingrunning yourfingerprintsinthesystem?

Ithadallbeensuchamajorshocktomesincethingsweremoresimplisticinsmall-townliving.FingerprintsinAshlandwere usuallyrunthroughthesystemonlytocatchcriminals,andthat’sit

Workingatthecommunitycenterorasacashieratoneofthemom-and-popshopstemporarilywaseasyforme.Butseeingthe nannypostingforAstridcaughtmyattention Ihadmissedthatbeautiful girl somuchandhaddonemybesttostayincontact withher.

Ihavenevermissedabirthdayorholidaytosendhercards,evengifts,toshow herthatIstill thinkofher ThebondIshare withherhasbeenoneofthebestbondsinmylife.Asadaycareteacher,Ihavemetplentyofchildrenandenjoyedlookingafter them ButtheyhavenevergivenmethekindofconnectionIhavewithAstrid

Amazingly,sheturnedouttobesuchagreatkiddespitethekindofbrothershehas.Myeyesrollslightlyatthethoughtofmy ex-boyfriend How out ofplace it always seemed withhimand his familybecause his parents had always beensuchgreat people.I’dseenpeoplegodownthewrongpathinlifeintown,anditwouldn’tbeasurprise,giventhekindofparentsthey had

Jimmyshould have never turned out like he had inthe loving, caringhome he had grownup in. I remember how muchhe resented me whenIstarted babysittingAstrid We had beenbrokenup for a few years bythen, and he figured thatsince we wereover,sowasmyrelationshipwithhisfamily.

Hedidn’tevencareabouthisfamilythatmuchandjustwantedtobespiteful NowthatIthinkaboutit isitokaythatItook thejob?Isitagoodideaafterall?

Iknowthathestillhasn’tbeenbacksincehismother’sfuneral.Iheardthatgossipwhilecheckingoutatthegrocerystore,and

alovelyolderladyIknewwelcomedmebacktotown WhenIinquiredabouthowsomefamiliesweredoing,onebitofgossip wasaboutJimmynotcomingtovisitorspeakingtohisfamily.

Ifindthatsosickening,giventhathissisterlosttheirmotheratsuchayoungageandhisfatherlosthiswife.Howcanyounot wanttobethereforyourfamilyandensurethey’redoingallright?Jimmy’sheartlesswaysareoneofthemainreasonsIended therelationshipinthefirstplace.

Beingwithsuchanegativepersonwhodoesn’tcareaboutanythinginlifeother thanthemselvescandrainyoubothmentally andemotionally.Ifeelreliefthathe’sprobablyneverreturningtotown,butwhocanpredictthefuture?Hecouldverywellone daydecidetocomebacktotown.

AndIknowhe’dmakemylifemiserableoutofspiteifhefoundoutI’mwatchinghislittlesister.

“Okay,let’sstopthinkingabouthim Ididn’tgetsuchanevilpersonoutofmylifetohavethembackonmymindagain,”Isay aloud,insomeformofpeptalk.Ithenbeginpushinghimoutofmymindasarandomthoughtcrossesmymind.

Mr Miller looked so handsome today Has he always been like that?

Igasp outloud inpure shockover sucha bold thought Ihave never looked atMr Miller thatwayinmylife Beinginmy thirties and growing up had changed a lot for me. Before I left Ashland, I had nothing but care and respect for the man. SomethingIstillhaveforhimtothisday,butIalsofindhimattractive.

Agedidnothingbutenhancehisgoodlooksasheworehisfortieswell.Icantellheeitherworksoutoreatsabalanceddiet thathelpstokeephiminshape.ThesmellofhissandalwoodscentwhenIhadbeenontheporchalsocausedmetosmileasif thesmelltraveledhomewithmeinsteadofbeingjustatinymemoryinmyhead.

“I’mbeingridiculousrightnow Getittogether,Faith,”Igiggleasmymindreturnstothoughtsofthatpreciouslittlegirl I’m nervoustoseeheragaininpersonafterallthistime.I’mfrightenedandworriedthatshemayresentmebecauseImovedaway. IhadbeenhelpingherandMr.MillerwiththeirgrievingbeforeImoved.

Atthe time, Ihad beengivenanopportunityinthe cityas a daycare teacher, whichexcited me. ButIcouldn’thelp butfeel guiltyduringmytimeinthe citythese lastfew years Myparents hadbeentheones whoencouragedme tomovetothe city TheyhadbeenthefirsttomovefromAshlandandthoughtIwouldgetmoreexperienceinlivinglifeifItriedtodosooutside oftown.

Ithadbeenanenjoyableexperienceforthefirsttwoyears…untilIrealizedhowmuchImissedthesmalltown.Ineverhadto worryabouttrafficorviolentcrimeswhileinAshland.Thecrime,ifyoucouldcallitthat,inAshlandhadalwaysbeensilly teenagerspullingpranksanddaresthatgotthemintotrouble.

The bigcityhad crimes rangingfrompickpockets to actual assault I realized how dangerous it was to be a single woman walkingsomewhereatnightandsetacurfewtoalwaysbehomebeforethestreetlightsturnedon.

IneverhadthosekindsofworriesinAshland,andIbelievebeingbackwillhelplessenmyanxiety Andmaybespendingtime withAstridagainwillhelpmeovercomethelonelinessthat’ssweptmeupforthepastcoupleofyears.

Ican’thelpbutfeelthewarmthinmyheartovertheanticipationofhavingfunwithAstrid

It’seightp.m.whenIfinallygetthecallfromVincent.Ihadjustfinishedeatingdinnerandwasreadytowashthedisheswhen myphonerangfromthekitchentable.Ipickitup,noticethenamelessnumber,andassumeittobeVincent.Withadeepexhale, Ipickupmycellphoneandanswerthecall.

“Hello?”

“Goodevening,Faith.I’mnotdisturbingyou,amI?”

“Notatall.I’vejustfinishedeatingdinner.”

“Okay,well,I’vetoldAstridthatyou’regoingtobehernanny She’soverthemoonaboutit”

Myheartskipsabeatinexcitementathearingthat.AllthenervousnessIhavebeenfeelingwaslikeaballoonbeingdeflated. NolongeramIworryingoverhowAstridwilltakemebackfullyintoherlife

“I’mgladtohearthatbecauseIalsolookforwardtowatchingher!I’vemissedhersomuchandworriedshewouldn’twantme tobehernanny”

“Nonsense!Shedoesn’thateyouforhavingtomove.Iexplainedtoherthatsometimespeopletrytoexplorelifebyleavingthe placewheretheyspentalloftheirlives Shehasalwaysappreciatedeverythingyou’vesentherovertheyears”

Hearingthatmakes takingthe job less frighteningfor me. All the guiltIhave feltup to this pointtransforms into reliefas I smile inappreciation. Iknow there are some things thatchildrencan’tunderstand, and maybe she still doesn’tknow whyI moved,butI’mgladshedoesn’tresentmeforit.

“I’mhopingyouspendingtimewithherwillturnthingsaround.She’sbeendownandwithdrawneversinceGretchenpassed away.She’sstill pushingawayherfriendsandMollybysayingshewantstospendtimealone.Shedoesn’tenjoypaintingor anythingsheusedtolovetodo”

Ilowermyheadinsadnessathearingthat Iknowthatpeoplegrievedifferentlyandthatsomereturntothemselvesfaster To hearthatAstrid,beingasyoungassheis,continuestosufferoverthelossofhermotherweighsonmyheart.

Istill have bothofmyparents,soI’dnever understoodthe loss ofa parent Thinkingoflosingeither ofmyparents fills my heartwithsomuchhurt.Iknowtheirdaywillcomesinceweallhavetogooneday.I’mjusthopefulitwon’tbeanytimesoon.

“YouknowI’lldoanythingIcantohelp MaybeIcanweanherbackintoherfavoriteactivities I’veseenpeoplegetbackinto doingthe things they’ve lovedafter takinga stepintotryingitoutagain.Maybe all we needtodois puta paintbrushinher handandseewhathappens?”

AllIcandoatthispointisoffersuggestionstoseeifheagrees.

“Thatdoesn’tsoundbadatall.Weshouldtakeitonedayatatimewiththat.I’vebeenafraidofpushingherintothingsbecause Idon’twanthertobreakdownormetomakethingsworse.”

Inodmyhead,eventhoughhecan’tseeme.“Iagreeanddon’twanthertofeelanymoredownthanshealreadyfeels.ButI’ll dowhateverIcantogethertohavefunagain.”

“Thankyou,Faith.Youhavenoideahow gladIamthatyoumovedbacktotown.Ihaveafeelingthatthis will begoodfor Astrid.”

We finallysayour goodbyes and end the call withme smilingso widelyand lookingforward more thanever to seeingthat sweetgirlandspendingtimewithher,justlikeoldtimes

Istareintospace,thinkingofwhatIcandoforAstrid.Ihaveastrongsenseofdutymixedwithasparkofexcitement.Astrid, the lovely and lively girl I knew, seemed so far away now It hurt to think about how much pain she was in, but I was determinedtohelpherfeelbetter.

ThedisgustIfeltforJimmyhadmeshakingmyhead,andIpreparedtohelpthatyounggirloutofthedarknessthathadbefallen her.

AsIwalkaroundmyroom,IstarttothinkofmanythingsIcando.Iwhisper,"Art,"andlookoveratmyartsuppliessittingin thecorneroftheroom.Astridlovedpaintingfromaveryyoungage.Evenwhenshewasachild,shewasnaturallygoodatit. It'spossiblethatIcangethertopaintagainandusecolorandshapestoshowhowshefeels

Ithoughtoutloud,"Naturecouldalsoheal,"asIthoughtaboutthelovelyparksandtrailsclosetoourtown.IrememberAstrid enjoyedgatheringflowersandleaveswhenwewentforwalks Gettingsomefreshairandbeingaroundplantsmighthelpher feelbetter.

Afterthat,Ithoughtaboutcooking.Astridhadalwaysbeeninterestedinthekitchen.Wemightbeabletobakecookiesoreven pizzaathome.Icouldpictureherfacegettingexcitedassheworkedthedoughorsprinkledcheeseonthepizzabase.Cooking withhercouldbeafunwaytopassthetimeandasneakywaytoensureshewaseatingright

After that, there were books. Astrid loved stories so muchshe could eatthemup. We could bringthis passionbackto life. ThereareafewbooksthatmightinterestherthatIcouldbringover Readingmighthelpherescapehersadnessbytakingherto otherplaces.

There was also the idea ofhavingher friends over for a movie nightor a sleepover. Gettingbackintouchwithpeople she knewcouldhelphermoveforwardafterbeingalone.

ItwashardtokeepmycoolbecauseIhadsomanyideas.Ididn'twantAstridtofeelstressedorlikeIwasforcinghertodo something.Iknewthatgriefwasn'tastraightlinebecauseIhadbeenthroughitmyself.Itwasokaytohavebothgoodandbad days.

Isloweddownandtookadeepbreathtoremindmyselftowait Itwasn'tgoingtohappenovernight Asananny,youhadtodo morethantakecareofkids;youalsohadtoofferemotionalsupport,understanding,andpatience.IwasreadytohelpAstridget throughthischallengingtime.Ionlyhopedthat,overtime,Icouldhelpmakeherlifealittlebetter.

Eventhoughthere were problems ahead, Ismiled. Itwould take a longtime to getbetter, butwithlove and patience, Iwas hopeful.BeforeIfellasleepthatnight,IthoughtaboutAstridandhowexcitedIwastoseeheragainsoon.

Chapter 3

Vincent

IHAVETHREEMOREhoursatworkbutcan’tstopthinkingaboutmylittlegirl

She had her first dayat school todayand is currentlyathome withFaith. All morningand earlyafternoon, myeyes would glanceatmyofficephonewheneveritrang.Pickingitup,I’dthinkitwastheelementaryschoolguidancecounselorcallingme aboutmydaughter.

Informingmethatherfirstdayisn’tgoingwellorshe’ssowithdrawnthatsheisn’tevenansweringherteacherswhencalled on.Instead,it’sallschoolmattersconcerningotherstudents,andItakethatasasignthatmaybeAstridhadagooddaybackat schoolafterall.

I'm going through the papers on my desk without paying attention because I'm thinking about Astrid Mrs Mitchell, my secretary,walksinwithherusualbigsmile,whichfadesabitwhensheseeshowworriedIappear.

"PrincipalVincent,areyoufrowningbecauseofthebudgetreports?"sheasks,tryingtokeepthemoodlight Itellherwithatightsmile,"No,it'snotthereports.Onlypersonalthings."

Hereyeslightupwithunderstanding,leavingmetothinkwithoutaskinganythingelse.Iwanttothankherforthat.Everybody inthis small townknows everythingabout everyone else. It's nice to have people who respect your space everyonce ina while

Ilookattheclockonthewallandseethatit’saroundthetimeAstridhasbeenhomeforanhour.IcalledFaith'snumberthree timestoday,hopingtohearagoodupdateonmydaughter.Shedoesn'tanswerthephoneuntilthethirdring.

"Hey,Vincent,"Faithfinallyanswersinabrightvoice Itsoundslikethingsarestillgoinggreat,lesseningmyworry "HiFaith,howisAstrid?"Igetrighttothepointwithmyvoicetingedwithanxiousness.

"We'remakingprogress!She'sthinkingaboutstartingpaintingbackup.Shetoldmeaboutthisbeautifulwatercolorpaintingshe sawinherhomeroom.Andwhileworkingonherhomework,hermindkeptreturningtothatpainting."

Thewordsshespokemademefeelsomuchbetter.Beforeshebecamedepressed,Astridfoundcomfortinpainting.Ipredicted thatasshegotolder,she’dalsouseitasaformofstressrelief."That'sgoodnews,Faith.Ihopeshedoesn’tchangehermind.I thinkherpaintingoutherfeelingsmayhelpherstartopeningup Shekeepssomuchbottledinthatitdoesworryme"

"Yeah, Ithoughtthatwould make youhappyhearingthat. And Iagree. Ilearned earlyonthatbottlingthings cannegatively affectyouandhowyouinteractwithothers.Ithinkoncesheeventuallyopensup,it’llcausehertobreakoutoftheshellshe’s pushedherselfinto"Faithsoundssooptimistic,andIamgettingmyhopesupevenhigher

AllI’veeverwantedforthelastfewyearsistoseemoresmilesonmydaughter’sface.Often,I’dbeatmyselfupbythinkingI wasnotdoingenoughtohelpmydaughterfindhersmileandhappinessagain.

"Faith,Iappreciateeverythingyoudo Itmeansalot Itmightsoundstrangesincethisisyourfirstdayashernanny,butIeven meanfrombackthen.YouwerealwaysgoodwithAstrid."

"You’rewelcome,butyoudon’tneedtothankme AstridandIgetalongsowell She’salmostfinishedwithhersnack,andI’m helpingherwiththeintroductionassignmentforhomework,soIhavetogetgoing.”

“Ofcourse Thankyouagain,andIdon’tthinkI’llbehomelate Ifanythingchanges,I’llcallyou” “Soundsgood.Seeyoulater.”

The call ends, and Ifeel muchlighter and calmer. Itgives me hope and determinationthatAstrid will finallybe all right. I returntoworkimmediately,butmymindisstillonAstrid Ilookatthepictureofheronmydeskeveryonceinawhile Itwas takenwhenshewashappierwhenhereyeswerebrightwithjoyandcuriosityinsteadofcloudywithdepression.

Whenshewouldtalkmyheadoffexcitedlyabouteverythingthathappenedatschool,withherfriends,oratMolly’shouse,I rememberwhensheandMollyhadsomanysleepoversandplaydatesuntilGretchenpassedaway.Afterthat,Astridrefusedto sleep outside the home and declined all invitations for Mollyto visitor for her to go to Molly’s. Ihope the two girls will reconcileandstarthavingfuntogetheragain.

I'mfeelingbetterasthedaycomestoaclose ItcouldbeFaith'swordsofcomfortorthethoughtofAstridfindingherlovefor paintingagain.Nomatterwhathappens,ImakeitmymissiontodowhatIcantohelpmydaughter.

Iwill doanythingtomakemylittlegirl laughandshineagain AsIpackuptoleavefortheday,theweightonmyshoulders feelsoverwhelming.

Ican’twaittogethomeandseeher

Because Iwanted to gethome to Astrid, Iturned offmyoffice computer, putmythings inmybriefcase, and leftearly. The school'slonghallwaysseemtogoonforeverbeforeme,butI'mmovingforwardbecauseIcan'twaittoseemydaughter.

Icould have stayed at the office longer goingover documents, but I decided theycould wait until tomorrow Astrid is my priority,andI’mtooanxioustotalktoher.Iwanttohearinherownwordshowherfirstdayatschoolwent.

AsIwalkaroundtheschoolgrounds,IthinkabouthowFaith,beingbackintownandbeingAstrid’snanny,isalreadyturning things around.IhadtriedtogetAstridinterestedinpaintingfor years buttonoavail.After spendingacoupleofhours with Faith,Astridtellsheraboutapaintingatschool,inspiringhertopaintagain.

MaybeI’meagertoseeifmydaughterhasasmileonherfaceandthefamiliarchippertoneinhervoice.Ifshe’sexcitedabout tomorrow,theweekend,oreventheholidays,likesheusedtobe.Iknowmyhappydaughterisstillintherebutisconcealedby sadnessandsorrow

WhenIgethome,Isee somethingthatwarms myheart.Astridis sittingatthe kitchentable doingher homework.Notinher bedroom,hidingawayfromtheworldlikeIexpectedhertobe.

Sunlight inthe late afternoongives the rooma warmglow that makes the sight lookmore impressive I stop to admire my daughter.Thewayshefocusesonherworkwithdeterminationonherface.

Faithsits atthe table withher, patientlywaitingfor anyquestions mydaughter mayaskher Clearingmythroatto make my presencenoticed,Astridlooksupfromherpapertoglanceatme.

“Hi,Daddy,” she smiles atme withwarmthinher eyes before returningtoher work Idon’twanttodisturbher since she’s workingsodiligently,soIwalkovertoleandown.IkissherontheforeheadandgestureforFaithtoquietlyfollowme,soas tonotdisturbAstrid

Wegointothehallwayanddropourvoicestotalkinprivate.

“Howhasherbehaviorbeenwhiledoinghomework?”

“She’sbeenallright Seemstobeokaywithit”

“Ionlyaskbecauseanythingshe’sworkedon,evenifit’saregularcrosswordpuzzle,frustrateshereasilywhenitdoesn’tgo herway”

“To be fair, she’s just doing an introductory assignment, answering questions and writing about herself. She’s supposed to present it inclass tomorrow But I’ll watchher whenshe finallyreceives homeworkfor the school subjects What do you normallydowhenshegetsfrustrated?”

“Itrytogethertotalkaboutwhysheisfrustrated,butsheshutsdown.So,it’sbeenastruggletofindawaytocalmherdown fasterwhenshegetsupset.”

Faithrubsthebackofherneckandseemsdeepinthoughtforamomentbeforeanswering.“I’lltrysomething.Evenifit’sgoing tositoutsideforsomefreshairortakingawalktoseeifthathelps.”

“Thatall soundsgreat.IwishIhadthoughtofthatbefore.Iwill retakeher seeminginterestinpaintingasawinfor theday. Let’shopethatshetriestogetbackintoit”

“Babysteps,Mr.Miller.”

“PleasecallmeVincent,Faith Noneedtobesoformal,”Igrininamusementather Shegiggles,andaweirdfeelingcomes overme.Ifeeldelightfromherlaughterandhowbeautifulhersmilelookswhiledoingit.

Where did that feeling and thought come from?

IpushitoutofmymindanddecidetogetawayfromheruntilIgetmymindtogether

“Well,Ineedtoheadupstairstoputmy briefcaseupandunwindfromwork.I’llreturnshortly.Youcanheadhomeonceshefinishesherhomework.”

“Soundsgoodtome!I’llreturntherenowtoseeifsheneedsme”Shegivesmeanothersmilebeforedisappearingbackinto

Leavingmestandingtherewithconfusedfeelingsandaracingmind

Chapter 4

Faith

WHENIRETURNTOthekitchen,IseeAstridsittingatthetablewithhereyesonatextbook

Shehasaseverelookonherface,anditfillsmewithcuriosity.Ican'tholdbackmyinterestasIrejoinher."Hey,what’swith thatface?”

Astridliftsherheadtolookatme,andIcanfeel thefrustrationcomingfromher Shecomplainsasshesighsandpointstoa complexmathproblemonherworksheet."Thisonejustdoesn'tmakesensetome.”

I raise an eyebrow in confusion because when I stepped into the hallway with her father, she had been finishing up her introductionassignment.Wheredidmathhomeworkcomefrom?IthenrememberhowmuchthingshavechangedsinceIwasa kid Itusuallytookthefourthdayorsecondweekofschoolforustobeginreceivinghomework

Itwasthefirstdayofelementaryschool,andAstridwasalreadyreceivingmathhomework.

Wanting to help her, I move closer and suggest, "Should we work on it together? I'll show you the step-by-step way and carefullyexplaineverything."Mywordsaremeanttoreassureherandclearupherdoubts.Astridagreesandnodsherhead. Thereisasparkofhopeinhereyesagain

SeeingherfacerelaxfromthefrustratedexpressionisareliefasIreachforhertextbook.

Westartourjourneythroughthecomplexproblemandworkthroughitsmanylayerstogether.Ibreakitdownintomanageable pieces andcarefullyexplainthe complicatedparts tomake themeasier tounderstand.Astrid's understandinggrows over the nexthour,andIfeelsatisfied.

Onceshecancompleteaproblemindependently,I’llpraiseherquickly

“See?Itgetssimpleronceyouworktheproblemout.”

Wekeepworkingontherestofherhomework,andAstridfeelspleasedabouttheprogress.Ican'tbelievehowquicklyAstrid understandsnew suggestionswhentheyarepresenteddifferently.Aswegetclosertotheend,Vincent'sworryaboutAstrid's inabilitytoshowhowshefeelsmakesmethinkofsomething

"Astrid,haveyoueverthoughtaboutdrawingorwritingabouthow youfeel?"Iaskwithgrowingcuriosity.Ialwaysfeltthat hobbieswerealsoawaytorelievestress Musiciansexpresstheirfeelingsthroughmusic Artistsexpressitthroughart Astrid maybepronetoopeningupifshe’sgivenawaytodosoinherownway.

“Youcandothat?”SheasksmeinnocentlyasIsmilewidelyather.

"Ofcourse!Itcouldbebeneficial Imaginetalkingtoyourselfaboutit Itwill helpyouunderstandandexpress your feelings better."Astridshowsgenuineinterestinthesecreativeoutlets,withintriguegrowinginhereyes.Afterthat,wespendtherest oftheafternoondrawing,coloring,andevenwriting.Tomydelight,Astridseemstoenjoytheseactivitiesandseemsdrawnto usingarttoexpressherfeelings.

Asweworkonournewartisticprojects,timegoesbyquickly,andwedon'tnoticeit Ilovespendingtimewithherandamso gladtobehereforher.Shedeservestobeshoweredwithsomuchlove,andI’lldothatforher.

Adeepsenseofaccomplishmentwashesovermeaswecleanupoursupplies Todayhasbeentrulyunique,fullofsignificant stepsforwardandprogress.I'mlookingforwardtomoredaysliketodaywhenIcancontinuetohelpAstridandmakesureshe knowsIhearandunderstandher

Ican'thelpbutsmileasIlooklovinglyatAstrid,whohaswalkedovertothekitchensinktowashherhands.Iinstantlywonder whatwecandotomorrowthatwillhelpherhavefun

Ihaven’tleftyetbecauseAstridaskedmetocometoherroom.Whenshecamehomefromschooltoday,shewentstraightto thekitchentostartherhomework Nowthatshehasfinished,shewantstoshowmethebedroomtogivemeacutetour

WhenIfollowAstridintoherroom,I'mimmediatelystruckbyhowgirlyitlooks.Therearemanydrawingsonthewalls,soft toys everywhere, and a pastel color scheme The roomdesignspeaks to the bright kid she used to be before her mother’s passing.

Asshetalksaboutherfavoritebooksandtheteddybearshe'shadsinceshewasababy,Ican'thelpbutbeproudofthesmile onherface.Thesmileherfathersayssherarelyshowsduetothedepressionshe’sbeenin.

Ilookupandseeaflashofsomethingshiny.Ilookoveratasmallnightstandbesideherbedandseeanoldphotoinasimple woodenframe thathas lostits color over time. It's a picture ofJimmyand me. Mychestaches, and I'mfilled witha lotof differentfeelings:anger,regret,andconfusion.

Istill don’tknow whatIeversaw inJimmy Ithadbeenoneofthosesituationsasateenwhereyouaren’texactlysurewhat yourtasteinboysis,andit’seasytobeinterestedbasedontheirattractiveness.

Jimmyisanexampleofbeinggood-lookingontheoutsidebutuglyontheinside

"Oh,youmeanthat?"Astridpeeks aroundthe corner tosee whatI'mfixedon."The picture is old.Momkeptitbecause she thoughtitwasimportantforourfamilyhistory Youknow,heonlygotworsewhenshepassedaway,right?"

Myheartachesforthepoorgirl.Evenwithherbrotherabandoningher,shestill loveshimsomuchthatshe’stryingtomake excusesforhispoorbehavior IcanagreethathedidgetworseafterGretchenpassed,buthehadstillbeenahorribleperson beforeherpassing.

IgetsickwheneverIseeJimmy'sfaceafteralltheseyears.ItmakesmethinkofthebadtimesI'vebeentryingtoforget.Anold

historyfullofliesandpain.He’sthetypeofpersonwhoshouldbealonefortherestofhislifebecausehedoesn’thaveitin himtotreatpeoplekindly.

"Areyoustillmadathim?"WhenAstridasks,shebreaksthesilencebetweenus.

Ilookatherinshock Herfacelooksgrave,whichisverydifferentfromhowsheusuallylooks,whichiscuriousandyoung Thenithits mehow muchshe's beentryingtokeepinsideandhow muchshe's beentryingtofigureoutonher own.Itakea deepbreathandpreparetodiscussthistouchysubject

"Iwouldn’tsaymad abouthow our relationship didn’tworkout, butmore disappointed. Whenitcomes to feelingmad, it’s moreabouthowhetreatedyouandyourfather Afteryourmotherpassed,itwouldhavehelpedifhehadstuckaroundandtried tobethereforyoutwo.Instead,hewasveryhatefulandtookoff.Heleftyouandyourdad.Hislovedones."

"Why?"sheasks,inanalmostwhisperyvoice "Whydoeshenotlikeme?"

Myface falls at hearingthat. I forgot that the innocence of a child will make themquestionthings to the point where they automaticallybelievetheyareatfault.

"Astrid,it'snotthathedidn'tlikeyou,"Itrytotellher,butmyhearthurts "Hewasusedtobeingtheonlychildinhisfamily Everythingchangedwhenyoucamealong.Butthatdoesn'tmakewhathedidokay.Heowedyoumoreandshouldhavebeen thereforyou.Astheoldersibling,youaresupposedtolookaftertheyoungersibling."

Ipausewhiletryingtokeepmyemotionsincheck.

“That’s why I ended up babysitting you because he refused to He felt that it wasn’t his job to But it is normal for older siblingstowatchovertheyoungerones.Hedidn’tcare.”

Ihopebeingtruthfuldoesn’thurthermorethanshe’salreadyhurt Butattenyearsold,IthinkthemorehonestIamabouther brother,themoreshe’llstopblamingherselfforJimmy'sdecisionsonherown.

"Doyouthinkhe'llcomeback?"

Myknuckles turnwhite as Ihold onto the edge ofher bed "Astrid, I'mnotsure Iknow it's notyour fault, however Iwill alwaysbehereforyou,nomatterwhat.It’sbeenyearssinceJimmytookoff,soIdoubthewill.Butunderstandthis,youand yourfatheraremuchbetteroffwithouthim."

Shenods,andhereyesshow thatshegetsit.IfeeltheweightofthepromiseImadetoher,whichIplantokeep.Jimmymay havegivenuponhisduties,butI'mnotgoingto ForAstrid,I'mheretostay ReturningtoAshlandmademefeellikeI’dfinally returnedhome.

Evenduringthegoodtimesinthecity,itneverfeltlikethecitywasmyhome

ThereisamomentofsilencebeforeAstrid'svoicebreaksitagain."Doyouthinkhethinksaboutusstill?"

Itakeamomenttothinkaboutherquestion."Ibelievehedoes.Ibelievehefeelstheweightofhisdecisions,justlikewedo. Peoplesometimesdon'twanttofacetheirmistakesortheresultsoftheiractionsbecausetheyaretooafraid.Butyourbrother isstubbornandwillcontinuetodowhateverhebelievesisbestforhim"

Astrid'seyesshinewithtearsthathaven'tdriedyet."IwanthimtoseehowmuchI'vechanged.HowmuchI'vegrown.”

"I know, sweetheart," I saywithkindness. "But remember that someone else's approval doesn't change your worthor what you've done.This personyou've become is strongandsmart.Youshouldbe proudofyourself.EvenifJimmywere here,he probablywouldn’tappreciatehowmuchyou’vegrown Butyouhavetorememberthat’shisproblem,notyours"

Astridgives me a small smile,andfor a moment,itseems she’s finallyunderstandingthings concerningher brother."I’mso happythatyou’reback,Faith."

Hertinyarmswraparoundmeinahug,andIbecomeemotional "Astrid,I'mthankfulforyoutoo Iwillalwaysbehereforyou becauseI’vealwayslovedhavingyouinmylife."

Wesittherelonger,wrappedupinwarmthinthathug Ahugthatitseemedsheneededmorefromme

Chapter 5

Vincent

THEWARM,GOLDENLIGHTfromthesunkeepsbathingoursmalltown

I'mbackinmyfavorite spotbythekitchenwindow withamugofcoffee.Itakea momenttoenjoyhow peaceful itis inthe afternoonandhowtimeseemstostandstillforawhile.It'sacomfortingandmovingreminderofhowtheshortmomentscanbe ordinaryandextraordinary.

TodayisadayofffromschooltohonoroneofthefoundersofAshland.AstridhadinsistedthatFaithstillcomeoverandplay withher,somethingFaithdidn’tmind.Shetoldmeshe’dbedoingthisforfreeandnottopayherforit.

Fromwhere Iam, Icansee Faithat the gardentable helpingAstrid withher stuff. Ican't help but lookat her. Whenshe's focused, her forehead furrows, and whensomethingmakes her laugh, it sounds like the most beautiful melody These little thingsmakemerealizehowbeautifulsheis.

"Vincent," Iimmediatelyscold myself "She used to date Jimmy She's also 18 years younger thanyou I'mafraid that's not right."Butheartsareindependent,andminebeatsfastwheneverIseeher.It’ssuchaweirdandunexpectedexperienceforme.

IhadlongacceptedthatGretchenwouldbetheonlywomanIeverlovedorhadfeelingsfor ThenentersFaith,whoreturnsto townandbecomesmysaviorbybecomingAstrid’snanny.Astrid’sbeensmilingandlaughinglatelyduetoFaithbeingaround. She’shelpingherreturntoherself Iwillforeverbegrateful

Itonlygets more apparentover the nextfew days how muchIwantFaith. Isee her inthe earlymorninglight, withher hair fallingover her shouldersandher eyessparklingwithamixofsleepinessandexcitement Mychesthurts Iadmireher alot whenshelaughsatsomethingAstridsays,withherheadthrownbackandhereyeswrinkled.

Now Icangotoworkwithoutanyworriesaboutmydaughter?Astridseemstobedoingbetterinschool She’sstillsocially withdrawnfromher friends,buther teachers have saidshe participates more inclass whenshe isn’tvolunteeringtoanswer questions

Whenshegetshome,IknowshewillfinishherhomeworkwithFaith’shelp,andthentheywillhavefuntogetheruntilImakeit home

Whenweeatlunchoneafternoononmydayoff,Ican'ttakemyeyesoffFaith.Whatabeautifulwoman.Ilovehowshetucksa strayhairbehindherearandhowshelookswhenshe’sdeepinthought Undoubtedly,Iamtryingtodevelopmorewaystoget mydaughtertoengage.

There'satighteningfeelinginmychestthatcomesfrombothpureinterestinFaithandguilt.IcareaboutFaith.I’mgratefulfor

her excellenteffectonAstrid and how she has made our lives brighter ButIalso struggle withthe thoughtthatmyfeelings mightgotoofar,givenoursituation.

Iconsidermyselfherelder,beinginmyforties,butIalsohavetoremindmyselfthatshe’sinherthirties,nothertwenties.That she’snotsomeyounggirlfreshoutofcollegeorsomething.

She’sagrownwoman alovelyoneatthat.

Thesunleavesorangeandpurplemarksontheskyasthesungoesdown AsIcleanupafterdinner,I'mstandingatthekitchen sinkandtryingnottolookoutthewindow atFaith.Sometimes,Idon’twanttothinkabouthow herlaughsoundsorhow her eyesshinewhenshesmiles AndI'mtrying,butI'mfailing

She’sbeenatthehousealldayjustenjoyingtimewithFaithandisduetoheadhomesoon.WhileAstridisupstairswashingup beforebed,Faithisoutside,continuingtocleanuptheartsuppliestheywereusingbeforedinner

Shewalksoutofmysight,andIknow she’sabouttoenterthehouse.Mychesttightens,andmybreathinggrowsheavierasI bracemyselfforherpresence.

“Thank you again for today, Vincent I’m going to head home now Dinner was amazing, and I forgot how much I love barbeque.”

“Noneedtothankme,Faith I’veenjoyedhavingyouaround Astridespeciallyenjoyedit Gethomesafely,”Ismileather,and shereturnsthesmilebeforenodding.Sheexitsthekitchen,andIsighatthefeelingsshestirsinsideme.

Aftertwodays,IinviteFaithtomyhouseforacasualdinnertodiscussAstrid'sprogress Astrid'sfeelingshavebeenallover the place, butshe's beenmore openand havingfunagainlately. I'mthankful thatFaithhas beenthere for me throughoutthis journey

Ihadstartedtheschoolyearstressedoutandtryingtofigureouthowtohelpmydaughter.Withinashorttime,Faithhasslowly beguntobringAstridoutofhershell Insteadofwatchingwithablankstare,shelaughsalongwithcartoonslikesheusedto Joyhasreturnedtohereyes,andshe’sbeginningtogetexcitedaboutthingslikesheusedto.Astridisalreadyasleepduetoher notgettingmuchsleeplastnight ShehadtalkedmeintoamoviemarathonlastnightthatkeptherupwhileIfellasleeponthe couch.

Herbodystartedtowardstiredinthelateafternoon,andsheateanearlydinnerbeforebed.I’mnervousbecauseitwilljustbe Faithandmehavingdinnertogether.Idon’tthinkI’vesharedamealwithhersinceherreturntoAshlandwithoutAstridbeing present

MyheartisbeatingfastasIpreparethemeal.I'vegrownverygoodatmakinglasagnaovertheyears,andIdecidedonitasthe mealofchoicefortonight Thearomacausesmystomachtorumbleinanticipationoftheheartymeal Isetthetablecarefully anddecidetocleanthekitchenwhilethelasagnacontinuestobake.

followsmeintothekitchenandtothetablewherethelasagnapansitsinthecenter.There’salsoabasketofbreadsticksthatI bakedfromthefrozenbagIpurchasedfromthestore.

ApitcheroficedteasitsnexttothebreadsticksasFaithsitsdownbeforeIcanpullherchairout.Ifeelembarrassedandhurry tositdown,hopingshedoesn’tnoticemyflushedexpression.

Isthefailedchairpull-outattemptasignthatIshouldstopbeingridiculousandinterestedinFaith?

Whenwesitdowntoeat,theconversationflows,withAstridbeingthetopicofdiscussion DiscussingAstridiswhyIinvited Faithtodinner,butIwasunsurehowwe’dbegintheconversation.

“Iappreciate everythingyou’ve done for Astrid. I’mcontinuingto getpositive progress reports fromher teachers thatshe’s moreengagedinclassandpayingmoreattention.”

“No need to thank me. Astrid has always been a smart kid. I understand how loss can have a heavy effect on someone, especiallyachild.Ithinkyouweretryingtobecareful,andit’swhathadyourefrainingfromgettinghertoopenup.ButonceI begantodoso,Irealizedthatshestartedcomingoutofhershell.”

Inodmyheadwhilecuttingintomyplateoflasagna “Sheseemstobehappyaboutlifeagain Spendingmoretimeoutsidein thebackyardlikesheusedtoinsteadofbeingcoopedupinherroom.It’ssuchareliefeverymorningIwakeupandseethat smileonherface.”

“Ithinkaslongaswecontinuetotakeitadayatatime,thingswillcontinuelookingup.Astridhastomoveatherownpaceto beopentodoingmoreandspeakingupmore.”

Iagreewithheraswecontinuediscussingmydaughter.Anhourhasflownbywithusfinishingoursecondplateoffood,and we’vewounddownontalkingaboutAstrid Anothertopiccomestomind,andIwonderifI’mbraveenoughtobringitupto her.

Nolongerabletoholditin,Itakeadeepbreathandhopethisgoeswell

"Faith."Itrytoremaincalmandignoretheknotinmystomach."I'vebeenmeaningtotellyousomething."

Shelooksatmewitheyesfullofwonder."Really?Whatisit?"

"I Ifeel somethingfor you, Faith," Ifinallytell her, liftingthe weightoffmychest As Ihold mybreathand waitfor her answer, the room goes silent. I then realize I can’t just stop there and need to add more. Otherwise, I may make her uncomfortableifshe’snotalreadyfeelinglikethat

“I’msorryifitsoundsstrangeorawkwardforyoutohear.ButIrealizedIcouldn’tcontinuewithouttellingyouhowIfelt.I’m very attracted to you Not just because you’re beautiful I’m attracted to your strength Your relentless desire to help my daughter.Howkindheartedofapersonyouare.”

Now, Igo silentto see whather response will be She stares atme withher widened eyes, and Iimmediatelypanic Did I cross the line? I should have kept this to myself after all.

Sheblinks,andherfaceshowsthatsheisshocked Then,shesurprisesmewhenasmileslowlyappearsonherface “I’mglad yousaidthatbecauseIfeelthesameaboutyou.”

Shecontinuessmilingatme,andIbelievehersmileandreciprocationofmyfeelingspullmetomyfeet.Iroundthetabletogo overtoherside.Ileandownand,withoutwarning,softlypressmylipsagainsthers.

Shekissesmeback,makingmefeelrelievedthatIwasn’toversteppingboundaries.

Wefinallybreakthekissandbashfullystareatoneanother Afterward,webegintocleanupdinner together withoutanother wordaboutthekiss.Eachleavestheothertothinkaboutwhathappened.

Faith

ASISLOWLYCLOSEthedoor behindme,mydimlylitapartmentfills withadeafeningsilencethatwrapsmeinits lonely embrace.

Ipresshardagainstthecooldoorandclosemyexcitedeyes.ThememoryofVincent'ssoftkississtillonmylips,makingme feelwoozy.Whileitwasonlyamoment,Icouldn'teliminatethesincerityandwarmththatfilledtheframeofreference.

I’veneverfeltthatkindoffeelingbeforewhenI’vekissedsomeone.Nosparkshadeverflownwiththeotherguys.Thevery smallfewIhadkissed.Vincent’slipshadmyheartskipping,fillingmewithstrangeexcitement.

Beingattracted to himis one thing, buthe completelysurprised me bytellingme he’s also attracted to me. Inmyeyes, his initiatingthekissmeantthathewasinterestedinme Itsendsshiversofbothexcitementandnervousnessthroughoutmybody I wouldhavebeenfinebeingattractedtohimandnevertellinghimaboutit.

Astrid is my priority, and being her nanny is vital to me I now become worried that this will taint our professional relationship,oranyrelationshipVincentandIshare.I’dhateifthingsbecomeawkwardwithustothepointthatheeitherasks metoleavethenannyjoborIdecidetoquit.

SomethingIfelthadbeensoexcitingsecondsagoquicklybecameterrifying.Butthethoughtofthekissinstantlyhasmebackin adaydream

IfindmyselftouchingmylipsunconsciouslyasifIwanttoholdontotheessenceofthatfleetingconnectionsothatthetasteof hisaffectionwillalwaysbewithme It'slikeapieceofmestillholdsontothatparticularmoment,playingitrepeatedlyinmy mindlikeafavoritetunethatwillneverend.

Iwalkintothelivingroomwithheavystepsandsitonthegrayplushcouch Thefabricgiveswaytomyweightlikeit'stired Mymind is a crazywhirlwind ofthoughts, all wantingto be heard, and battlingwitheachother ina complicated dance of contradictions

The voice of reason, that annoyingpart of me, tells me I'mwrongfor havingthese thoughts about Vincent. He is, after all, Jimmy'sfather,andit’snotidealtogoforthefatherafteralreadydatingtheson

Therearestillsomedoubtsinmymind,butthepartofmethatfeltthoseelectricsparksstartingafireinsidemeandthepart thatfeltsomethingshiftingdeepinsidemeduringoursecretkissisgettinglouderandmorerobust

IlaughasIpushthethoughtofJimmyoutofmymind.Hehaslongsincefadedintothebackgroundofmylife,leavingonlybad memories and a faded picture of a destroyed relationship. Why should he be considered a factor in my attraction to his

father? What's the point of letting his shadow control my decisions and stop me from being happy?

I'mlostinmythoughts andkeeppacingbackandforthacross the livingroom The worncarpetsoaks upthe restless energy frommyeverystep.Stoppingsuddenlyinfrontofthefull-lengthmirror,IlookatmyselfandseethatInolongerlooklikethe womanIusedtobe.

SheisnolongertheshygirlafraidofhowlifebackinAshlandwillturnoutforher.Insteadofher,thereisawomanwhohas changed,fullofnewfoundstrengthandaquietconfidencethathumsinsideher

MaybeI’mjumpingthegunwithmythoughtsaboutVincent,butIdon’tbelievehekissedmewithoutreason.Thatkissalone hasmethinkingthatwemayspendtimewitheachotheroutsideofmebeingAstrid’snanny OrperhapsI’mveryhopefulofthat tothepointofwantingtospeakthatintoexistence.

AndifVincentisthepersonwhomightbeabletogivemethatelusivehappiness,thenwhyshouldIpassupthechance?Why shouldIignorethethingsmakingmyheartbeatfaster,andthewhisperoffateleadingmetoanuncertainbuthopefulfuture?

Faith, it was just a kiss You’re jumping the gun

Iletouta tired sighas Ileaned againstthe wall, myeyes closed and lookingfor comfortinthe darkness Istill remember Vincent'ssmile,kindness,andhowhelookedatmelikeIwasimportanttohim.

Therewasinterestinhiseyes,thesameinterestgrowinginmyheart,andIcan'tdenythatitstirredsomethingdeepinsideme

Should I not feel this way about Vincent? Idon'tknow,andhonestly,Idon'tcare.IonlyknowthatI'mfollowingmyheart,and thisisthefirsttimeinalongtimethatmyheartistakingmesomewherefabulous

Mymindkeepsreturningtothatbriefmoment,thatstolenkissthatburnedamillionfiresinmysoul.Asmileisonthecornerof mylipsbecauseIknowVincentfeelsthesamewayaboutmeandiscaughtinthecomplexweboffeelingsbetweenus Itmakes myheartskipwhenIthinkaboutallthepossibilities.

Suddenly,awaveofpeacewashesoverme,anditstayswithmeuntilit'scompletelygone.I'montherighttrackforthefirst timeinalongtime.Theuniverseisworkingtoleadmetoanunknowndestination.

I'munsure where this path will lead us, but I'mmore than ready to start this journey of love, self-discovery, and endless possibilities.

IfeelmoredeterminedthaneverbeforeasIfinallyheadtomyroomtoprepareforbed.

MyheartbeatsquicklywiththoughtsofVincentasIfinishgettingreadyforbed ItmakesmethinkofhowexcitedandnervousI waswhenIhadmyfirstcrushinschool.Thisseemsmoreintensethanthefirstcrushfeeling. Do I feel this way? Acrush on an older man who is also my ex ’ s father? Ithinktomyself,laughingwithshockanddisbelief

ThethoughtsofVincentledmetowanttosendhimatext.Isitdownonmybedaftergrabbingmyphonefromthenightstand.

MyfingersareshakingalittlebecauseI'mbothexcitedandnervous.AsIcarefullytypeamessagetoVincent,myheartraces asIpresssend.Itsays,"Goodnight,Vincent.Thankyoufordinnertonight.."onthescreen.Slowlybutsurely,thesecondspass, andmyheartbeatsfasterandfasterinmychest

For some reason, Ianticipate his response and whatever he will sayto me. Will he give me a mild replybackor send me somethingsweet?ThenextthingIknow,halfanhourhaspassedby.There'snothing,however.Noanswer.Icheckmyphone everyfewminutes,becauseIneedhismessage.Thescreenstaysblank,andmyheartissinking.

Aredflushofshameis movingupmyfaceandburningmycheeks.Finally,there's thefamiliar painofbeingletdown.Itell myselfthathemustbeasleepalready,andmyheartclingstothatlastthreadofhope.Iknowthat'snottrue,however.Vincent staysuplate,ashe’salwaysbeenlikethat.Hehastogetupearlyforwork,buthe’salwaysbeenanightowl.

"Stopoverthinking,Faith,"Itellmyself,asIkeepmyeyesonthesilentphone Thebrightscreenistheonlylightsourceinthe otherwisedarkroom.Itcastslongshadowsthatmovearoundlikemydoubtsaregrowing.Butthesilenceontheotherendisso loudthatit'smakingthepitinmystomachfeellikeI’mhollowingout.

Now Ifeel thatI’ve wasted mytime. Anhour has finallypassed, and youwould have thoughtIdaydreamed aboutthatkiss happeninganditnotbeinghonest.Isighindisappointmentandfeelsillyatthismoment.

Myphonegetsthrownbackonthenightstandtoohard. Why did I bother to text him? Maybe I jumped the gun? But he told me he was interested in me and kissed me

AsIcrawlintobed,thoughtsofVincentkeepgoingthroughmymind.Ilaythereandstareattheceilingwhilefeelingdifferent emotions Theexcitementhasfadedaway,replacedwithheavydisappointmentandembarrassment

IforcemymindtoshutofftheracingthoughtssothatIcantrytogotosleep.

VincentisthelastthingthatcomestomindasIfallasleep.

Vincent

I’VEREACHEDMYLUNCHTIMEatworkanddon’thavemuchappetite

Ivisitedthehighschool’sguidancecounselorbecauseIneededheradvice.I’mgladI’mworkingatthehighschooltodayasI godownthehallwaystothecounselor’soffice.

Ilightlyknockonthe door and waitfor the voice tellingme to come in Iturnthe knob and enter the office to Mrs Harper sittingbehind her desk. She has a bowl of beef stew inher office that she’s enjoying. I immediatelyfeel bad and beginto apologize.

“Excusetheinterruption.Icancomebackanothertime…”

“Nonsense!”Shedismissesthatwithawaveofherhand “I’mjustsittinghereeating Ifyouneedanythingfromme,youknowI amalwayshappytohelp.”

“Ijustneed some advice…” myvoice trails offas she nods her head, invitingme to take a seatacross the deskfromher. I closethedoorbehindmeandtakeaseat.Ifiddlewithmyfingersinsilencebeforefinallyfindingmyvoice.

“It’s aboutAstrid.As always,I’mworriedabouther shuttingpeopleoutofher life.Shedoesn’tspendtimewithher friends andneverwantsthemtovisit.SheandMollyusedtobeliketwopeasinapod,andshewouldn’tevengotoMolly’stoplay withher Imissthedaysshe’dpaintanewpictureandproudlyhangitontherefrigeratoreachweek”

MyheartachesatthesadnessIfeelformydaughterandhow herhappinessseemstohavebecomeadistantmemory.Iadmit thatshe’s gottenbetter since Faithbecame her nanny. ButI’mworried abouthow longthis will last. Idon’twantthis to be temporary,andthen,oneday,Astridwakesupfeelingdepressedagain.

Idon’twanttogetmyhopesupthateverythingisallbetternowwhenthat’snotthecase.

Mrs Harper takes a momentto enjoya spoonful ofthe tastystew and thenleans backinher chair She looks atme witha thoughtfulgaze,andhereyesarefullofunderstandingandempathy.

Shestartssoftly,hervoicefilledwithcompassion "Vince,itcanberoughforyoungpeoplelikeAstrid Theyoftenwithdraw intothemselvesastheytrytomakesenseofthecomplicatedworldaroundthemandfindtheirplaceinit.Astridhasalready donethatwiththelossofhermother Ifshecontinueslikethis,itwillcontinueworseningovertime”

EmotionhitsmebecauseIhadexpectedthat’swhatitwouldbe.

“That’s whatI’ve beenafraid of. Thatbyhighschool, her mental healthis negativelyimpacted so heavilythatshe becomes evenmoreisolatedorevenworse.”

“Icanunderstandyourworriesbutbefirminyourpatiencewithher.Ifshefeelspushedorpressured,it’lljustmakeitworse andhaveherpullingawayevenmore.She’sstillexperiencinggrief,andthisishowchildrenmostlydealwithit.Sohowshe’s beenactingandfeelingforyearsisnotuncommon.”

AsInod,theknotofworryinmystomachslowlyeases "So,youmeanthisisanormalpartofhergrowingup?"

Mrs.Harpersmilesatmeinawaythatmakesmefeelbetter."Youcouldsaythat.Shelosthermotherataveryyoungage,and she’sstilltryingtocopewithit"

"Whatifshedisappearsintoherworld?"MyvoiceisjustaboveawhisperasIask."Whatifshehastroublegettingback?"

Mrs. Harper lets outa softsighwhile studyingme withworried eyes. "That’s where youcome in. Youcantryto gether to enjoyherfavoritehobbiesandinterestswithoutpushingthemonher.Youmustbepatient,especiallywhengettinghertoopen up.Themoresomeoneispushedtoopenup,themoretheyrefuseto.”

“Iunderstand,Ido,butIkeepgettingworriedthatthere’snothingIcandothatwillhelp”

"Vince,startwiththethingsshelikes.Irememberhowmuchsheusedtolovepainting.Youmightwanttotrytobringthatflame backtolife Dothingswithherthatsheusedtoenjoy,likepaintingwithher Showherthatyou'reinterestedinwhat'sgoingon inherlife.Withyoubyherside,itwillmakeherparticipationeasier."

Itgives me hope toremember how proudAstridusedtobe whenshe finisheda painting,andher eyes wouldsparkle “You thinkthatwill work? Faithhas beenhelpingher come arounda lotmore,andthey’re supposedtobe paintingsomethingbig togethersometimethisweek”

“ThenIrecommendfollowingFaith’sleadifeverythingshe’sbeendoinghasbeenahugehelptoAstridgettingbacktoherold self Everythingwillbefineaslongasyoucontinuetohavepatience”

AsIgathermythoughts,Ileanbackinmychairandlightlytapmyfingersonthearmrest.Mrs.Harpercontinues,"Vince,it's importanttorememberthathealingisnotalinearprocess"Hereyesshowshehasbeenwiseandexperiencedforalongtime "Therewillbegoodandbaddays,stridesforwardandbackward.Buttheconstantpresenceofhelpfulpeoplelikeyoumakes allthedifference"

Itake a momentto lether words sinkinbefore she continues, "Take a lookatitthis way. It's notyour job to fixAstrid or determine whatshe's goingthrough Youare givingher strengthandstabilityduringa roughtime Youare the lighthouse that helpshergetthroughthestorm."

Mrs Harperdroopsherheadandlooksatmewarmly,reassuringly "Vince,yourworryshowsthatyoucare Andrightnow,the bestmedicineyoucangiveAstridisyourcareandlove."

Throughherwords,shepaintsapictureofhopeandstrength,ofAstridstandingtalldespitethehardthingsthathavehappened toher."Remember how muchAstridlovedpaintingandfeltproudandhappywhenshefinishedapiece?ThatAstridis still inside,readytocomeoutagain ThisAstridcanreturntolifewithyourhelpandbeliefinher"

Shethentellsastoryaboutatimewhenshewaslostandconfused,justlikeAstrid.

"Iknow whatAstrid is goingthroughbecause I've beenthere too." Her voice is softbutsteady. "As youknow, a couple of

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