by fedya kee
this is a zine about child sexual abuse, pedophilia, incest, rape, sexual grooming, queerness, personality disorders, psychosis, the cycle of abuse, asexuality, self-harm, suicide, psychiatric hospitals, hatred, and recovery. this is my story.
our lives all start somewhere. mine starts here, in the smallest state in america.
rhode island
and with this man
i was a normal child for the most part. a little strange maybe, but functional. “untainted.�
chronology (as i can best recall) AGE 4: i start preschool, small acts of incest begin AGE 5: my brother is born, i start drawing AGE 6: i start elementary school, the screaming also starts, i witness domestic violence for the first time AGE 7: my parents get divorced, i start writing, my father starts stalking us AGE 8: we start supervised visitation AGE 9: we start unsupervised visitation, the abuse starts getting worse AGE 10: i am raped for the first time
my take on this might be a little too clinical and matter of fact for some, but it helps me disconnect myself from the abuse. it’s how i cope now.
raised by evil. groomed by evil. made for sex.
is evil born, or is it grown?
when i learned how to draw it was a way to combat the screaming fights and the sound of flesh hitting flesh. i was 5 years old. from the day i picked up a pencil i found solace in what i could create, as miniscule an impact as it was.
i don’t have any of those drawings anymore.
learning how to write was a lifesaver. i was seven years old and the divorce happened. it was the height of the screaming, the hitting, the anger. the writing was a way to escape. the writing was a light in the darkness of everything i was experiencing.
but as we know, all good things come to an end. and when he wanted what i could not give him...
things changed. i stopped writing.
you take away a child’s innocence and then you don’t know what you’re left with.
deny sexuality. deny queerness. deny that girl you had a crush on in first grade. 12 years old and sexually active by choice. the molestation stopped when you were 11, when visitation was monitored again. you were made into a toy. accept it.
POST TRAUMATIC STRESS DISORDER Posttraumatic stress disorder (PTSD) may develop after a person is exposed to one or more traumatic events, such as sexual assault, warfare, serious injury, or threats of imminent death. The diagnosis may be given when a group of symptoms, such as disturbing recurring flashbacks, avoidance or numbing of memories of the event, and hyperarousal, continue for more than a month after the occurrence of a traumatic event.
image on opposite page via Wikipedia and Cpl. Andrew Johnston, public domain
it’s your f way. you k righ
fault, anyknow that, ht?
a school would be my saving grace. after a terrible middle school experience, and my own evil blooming, this would be what i needed. everything i needed. art could re-enter my life.
i should have dated her. but someone else came along.
another rape. another man.
at this point i will admit to you that i am an unreliable narrator. by ninth grade, i had been hospitalized 5 times. none of these were important, really, they made no difference. my hospitalization at the end of 9th grade is what changed things.
sex was a big thing. with various people. of all and any genders. a hospitalization. more sex. a break up. and then something more changed. i discovered
“BDSM is a variety of erotic practices involving dominance and submission, role-playing, restraint, and other interpersonal dynamics.�
really, i could only get off if i was getting hurt. i thought that was okay. the liberal feminism of the internet told me that it was okay to be in BDSM, a lot of suvivors do it. they were wrong.
recreate the trauma, recreate daddy, recreate yourself.
Venus von Willendorf, via Wikipedia. Public domain
sex is al good
ll you’re d for.
and thus, you become sex personified at 14.
it is the only way people will ever love you, you good for nothing piece of shit! you slut! being a slut is good! they will love you as a slut! they will love you!
image on opposite page is Draped Nude by Henri Matisse, via the Tate Museum’s website.
you are a survivor of a war waged on your body. the hands of men and women. searching for the way to rip into your soul through your flesh. they are biting and tearing. destroy your body too. cut it and burn it and starve it and try to kill it. that’s easier than handling things sometimes. no friends. you’re a slut. and in the end they don’t really love you.
harsh.
BORDERLINE PERSONALITY DISORDER Borderline personality disorder (BPD) (called emotionally unstable personality disorder, emotional intensity disorder, or borderline type in the ICD-10) is a cluster-B personality disorder, the essential feature of which is a pattern of marked impulsivity and instability of affects, interpersonal relationships and self image. The pattern is present by early adulthood and occurs across a variety of situations and contexts.
a screaming in your brain that something is seriously wrong.
The most distinguishing symptoms of BPD are marked sensitivity to rejection, and thoughts and fears of possible abandonment.[9] Overall, the features of BPD include unusually intense sensitivity in relationships with others, difficulty regulating emotions and impulsivity. Other symptoms may include feeling unsure of one’s personal identity and values, having paranoid thoughts when feeling stressed and severe dissociation. People with BPD feel emotions more easily, more deeply and for longer than others do.Emotions may repeatedly resurge and persist a long time. Consequently it may take longer than normal for people with BPD to return to a stable emotional baseline following an intense emotional experience. In Marsha Linehan’s view the sensitivity, intensity and duration with which people with BPD feel emotions have both positive and negative effects. People with BPD are often exceptionally idealistic, joyful and loving. However they may feel overwhelmed by negative emotions, experiencing intense grief instead of sadness, shame and humiliation instead of mild embarrassment, rage instead of annoyance and panic instead of nervousness. People with BPD are especially sensitive to feelings of rejection, isolation and perceived failure. Before learning other coping mechanisms, their efforts to manage or escape from their intense negative emotions may lead to self-injury or suicidal behavior. They are often aware of the intensity of their negative emotional reactions and, since they cannot regulate them, they shut them down entirely. This can be harmful to people with BPD, since negative emotions alert people to the presence of a problematic situation and move them to address it. Whilst people with BPD feel joy intensely, they are especially prone to dysphoria, or feelings of mental and emotional distress. Zanarini et al. recognize four categories of dysphoria that are typical of this condition: extreme emotions; destructiveness or self-destructiveness; feeling fragmented or lacking identity; and feelings of victimization. Within these categories, a BPD diagnosis is strongly associated with a combination of three specific states: 1) feeling betrayed, 2) “feeling like hurting myself” and 3) feeling out of control.Since there is great variety in the types of dysphoria experienced by people with
BPD, the amplitude of the distress is a helpful indicator of borderline personality disorder. In addition to intense emotions, people with BPD experience emotional lability, or changeability. Although the term suggests rapid changes between depression and elation, the mood swings in people with this condition actually occur more frequently between anger and anxiety and between depression and anxiety. Impulsive behavior is common, including: substance or alcohol abuse, eating disorders, unprotected sex or indiscriminate sex with multiple partners, reckless spending and reckless driving. Impulsive behavior may also include leaving jobs or relationships, running away and self-injury.People with BPD act impulsively because it gives them immediate relief from their emotional pain. However in the long term people with BPD suffer increased pain from the shame and guilt that follow such actions. A cycle often begins in which people with BPD feel emotional pain, engage in impulsive behavior to relieve that pain, feel shame and guilt over their actions, feel emotional pain from the shame and guilt and then experience stronger urges to engage in impulsive behavior to relieve the new pain. As time goes on, impulsive behavior may become an automatic response to emotional pain. Self-harming or suicidal behaviour is one of the core diagnostic criteria in the DSM IV-TR. Management of and recovery from this behavior can be complex and challenging. The lifetime risk of suicide among people with BPD is between 3% and 10%.There is evidence that men diagnosed with BPD are approximately twice as likely to commit suicide as women diagnosed with BPD. There is also evidence that a considerable percentage of men who commit suicide may have undiagnosed BPD. Self-injury is common and may take place with or without suicidal intent. The reported reasons for non-suicidal self-injury (NSSI) differ from the reasons for suicide attempts.Reasons for NSSI include expressing anger, self-punishment, generating normal feelings (often in response to dissociation), and distracting oneself from emotional pain or difficult circumstances.In contrast, suicide attempts typically reflect a belief that others will be better off following the suicide. Both suicidal and non-suicidal self-injury are a response to feeling
Important Considerations about Borderline Personality Disorder 1. The five of nine criteria needed to diagnose the disorder may be present in a large number of different combinations. This results in the fact that the disorder often presents quite differently from one person to another, thus making accurate diagnosis somewhat confusing to a clinician not skilled in the area. 2. BPD rarely stands alone. There is high co-occurrence with other disorders. 3. BPD affects between 1 - 2 percent of the population. The highest estimation, 2 percent, approximates the number of persons diagnosed with schizophrenia and bipolar disorder. 4. Estimates are 10 percent of outpatients and 20 percent of inpatients who present for treatment have BPD 5. More females are diagnosed with BPD than males by a ratio of about 3-to-1, though some clinicians suspect that males are underdiagnosed. 6. 75 percent of patients self-injure. 7. Approximately 10 percent of individuals with BPD complete suicide attempts. 8. A chronic disorder that is resistant to change, we now know that BPD has a good prognosis when treated properly. Such treatment usually consists of medications, psychotherapy and educational and support groups. 9. In many patients with BPD, medications have been shown to be very helpful in reducing the severity of symptoms and enabling effective psychotherapy to occur. Medications are also often essential in the proper treatment of disorders that commonly co-occur with BPD. 10. There are a growing number of psychotherapeutic approaches specifically developed for people with BPD. Dialectical behavioral therapy (DBT) is a relatively recent treatment, developed by Marsha Linehan, Ph.D. To date, DBT is the best-studied intervention for BPD. Find out more about DBT in NAMI’s Borderline Personality Disorder Brochure. 11. These and other treatments have been shown to be effective in the treatment of BPD, and MANY PATIENTS DO GET BETTER!
dear God in heaven i do not want to have this disorder. but i know that i do.
step one to getting better: admitting you’re fucked up.
10% is a pretty high fatality rate.
step two to getting better: finding something to make you feel whole.
step three to getting better: no more weird sex.
DEMISEXUAL demisexuality is on the asexual spectrum. it is defined by only feeling sexual attraction to someone after a deep emotional bond is created.
MY BOD LONGE HUM CONSUM
DY IS NO ER FOR MAN MPTION
years of abuse and torture can leave you feeling worthless. a person robs you of your purity. spend hours in the shower getting rid of the dirt. you still see him in the shadows sometimes. wave hi. he can’t hurt you. he whispers things in your ear that you know aren’t true. you can’t help but listen. but you know that when the sun peaks over the horizon, he will run. he can’t hurt you in the daytime. he can’t hurt you at all. the psychosis rips you to shreds in bed and leaves you empty. but you are not. reclaim your body, your brain, find those who love you for you. they are out there. you are not their slut or body to use. you are you. and more importantly,
you are not alone.
For more information: Sexual abuse, rape, and incest: https://rainn.org/, http://www. dayoneri.org/, Child pornography: http://innocentjustice.org/ Borderline Personality Disorder: http://www.nami.org/ Psychosis: http://www.nami.org/ PTSD: http://www.ptsd.va.gov/ Asexuality: http://www.asexuality.org/home/
Special thanks to Lily Angel, Alex, Lily, Mikey, Chris, Moose, and Dylan.
Š 2014 Fedya Kee under Creative Commons License