BLESSED ARE THE CONFRONTERS?

My husband and I broke into a heated “discussion” one evening over the best way to deal with a family matter. We had lovingly offered a room in our house for a friend of our church to stay while she was having financial difficulties. It became apparent she enjoyed her stay and was not making any plans of moving out. I was convinced it was time to set more structured boundaries. Hubby calmly proposed we needed to allow her more space to make her own decision. As I bellowed my opinion, we soon discovered we handle situations differently due to our contrasting personality types. He is the peacemaker. I am the confronter.

Why is it that peacemaker leaves one thinking love, harmony, holding hands, and singing “Kum Ba Yah?” Confronter, on the other hand, conjures up clashing, discord, and a tune of “Hit the Road, Jack.” As far as I am concerned, when a problem rears its ugly head, you fix it. Speak up openly and honestly. Set boundaries. Lay down the law.

In our conversation about our different temperaments, my husband calmly replied, “If it’s part of your personality, it can’t be helped.” I allowed the words of mister holy man to roll around in my mind as I tossed and turned in bed. H-m-m. Blessed are the peacemakers. OK, OK. Blessed are the confronters? I don’t think so.

As I dragged my weary self out of bed the next morning, I recalled Christ’s promise in Romans 8:1, “There is now no condemnation for those who belong to Christ Jesus.” (NIV). So why do I feel condemned? Why am I this way? Why can’t I be a peacemaker too? I had to examine again the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. There it was in verse 9. The peacemakers - they being called children of God and all. Yes, we need peacemakers. They keep us manic ones in line. They gently point out the options and can somehow do it with both sides feeling valued.

But wait… move back a few verses. In verse 6, there I was too! Blessed are those who hunger and thirst (dramatic pause with face heavenward and fist clenched) for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied. We also need the ones who insist on doing the right thing, even if it means uncomfortable moments.

Hubby and I did come up with a “righteously peaceful” solution that involved lovingly setting a boundary. We calculated when she should have enough money saved and could be out on her own. Regardless of how she managed her money, that was the day she would have to move out.

I have learned over the years as a parent and a teacher, one needs to build loving and healthy relationships along with setting boundaries. Thus, as my personality type might describe it, “Love ‘em to death, and don’t put up with their stuff.”

Picture a measuring scale. One extreme of this scale is relationship building to the point of desiring peace at all costs. The harm comes when one is actually an enabler. The other extreme is limit setting. But the risk is being a rigid rule maker to the point where a loved one may feel undervalued. All of us tend to lean to one extreme, vulnerably recognizing which way we lean can help us strive for a healthier balance of relationship building with limit setting. What a crowning complement our Creator uses to bring about the perfect balance to challenging situations!

Of course, since our house guest issue needed to be addressed in a harmonious manner, the peacemaker was the one who proposed it as his calm demeanor was needed in this touchy situation. Hubby and I agreed we would support each other regardless of our friend’s decisions. She was offended by the boundary setting and chose to move out the next day. She did not leave without making some guilt tripping comments, but we lovingly stood our ground and helped her pack.

This experience taught hubby and me how we complement one another through our contrasting personalities. When I lean too far towards the rigid rule-maker end, his personality helps to pull me back to that healthy balance. Likewise, when he drifts too far towards the extreme enabler end, my personality helps to pull him to that healthy middle. He blesses both the peacemakers and the confronters. A refreshing reminder that our Creator knows what He is doing.