In my final year of college, I really had to think really hard of what’s next. The process of choosing a major, for me, was an extended period of thinking, conversations and compromises. There were a couple of factors that made the decision difficult for me at that point. First, I had such a wide range o f interest and I really wanted to do something that I loved. Coming into the US from Nigeria, I leaned towards STEM field. I had taken the science trifecta on Physics, Chemistry and Biology for my GCSE ‘O’ levels and it seemed to be such a given thing that I would end up in the sciences. However, even with my science background, I loved the arts and I had made it a point to study literature in Nigeria. Second, I am female and Nigerian. Specifically, I am a Yoruba woman. Culture plays a very big part in the laying down future expectations. As a woman, there is the expectation that you would marry young, have children and become the primary caregiver. This means you will be expected to be readily available to handle family responsibilities. From age 16, this was part of the consideration for what I wanted to do with my life. Could I be a journalist? Maybe, but it would have to be on a career track that does not involve loads of traveling. Could I be a doctor? Yes, but I would have to figure out the kind that does not require irregular hours. There just appeared to be so many things that I had to consider because making a decision. In a lot of ways, I sometimes feel as if my cultural upbringing failed me. As a young girl, I was part of a generation that was told I could do anything I wanted to do with my life. However, when the time came to jump, I feel like I got a shorter bungee cord that the guys. It was almost as if I was being told “you can only go so far because you are a girl, because you are going to be a mum, because you will have a husband, because you will have to home on time, because, because, because…” Coming into my final year of college, I had decided on a major through a minor act of rebellion. I had entered college as a psychology major but I decided I wanted to study writing. So, I did; I changed majors to Literature to focus on writing. However, now that the undergraduate degree was done, it was time to decide on the next step. During this time, I had the chance to write an article for one of my classes on the dilemma women face regarding career choices. As the conversation regarding career choices revs up once again due to the publication of the book, Lean In, written by Sheryl Sandberg, I have decided to publish my article on this blog. The article is rather long so I have decided to publish it as a magazine, powered by Issuu. I have re-edited the article for errors and clarification but I have left the core of the article.
Talking to these women, I realized that there is a common bond for women who actively want careers and families…We learn to seek our dreams but also we learn to compromise on our dreams.
Race of Our Lives
Women on Marriage, Family& Education. By Sinmi Araoye
There are certain things that fascinate me in been comparatively easy in the sense that my life; relationships, politics and women. As a parents have never questioned my right to do so. woman, I find it interesting to know how other Growing up in Nigeria where many girls do not women my age are surviving and how the end up in school, I feel really lucky to have the women before me survived. In an age when for parents that I do because there are certain the first time women are no longer a minority contentions that women do not necessarily need as undergraduates on campus, you’ll think to be educated in Nigeria. Why else would the getting an education and having a career as a principal of a private all-girls high-school like the woman would be easier. The shocker is that it one I attended address his students and say “I is not necessarily true.
think your fathers’ money would be of better use
Personally for me, getting an education has
if he used it to marry wives”? This principal
ended up marrying an illiterate woman whom he professional life. had impregnated before marriage.
Last year, ABC news made headlines when it put
For me, not getting an education has Elizabeth Vargas as co-anchor of its evening news. never really been an option. Born into a family About half a year later, a pregnant Vargas would that is matriarchal in nature on my mother’s side, resign from the position citing the need to spend all my female cousins graduated from college more time with her growing family. The media went with at least a Bachelor’s. A few of them have abuzz with how her resignation was a step back for continued on to graduate school getting their feminism.
There
is
this
misconception
that
Master’s degrees. My mother is an architect. My feminism means having a career and a family; sister recently graduated from University of doing it the way men do it. Personally, I disagree Maryland with her Bachelor’s Of Science in with this motto, I believe in choices. You can Economics.
choose to have it all or you can choose what you
As a current undergraduate student want. myself, I am constantly having to weigh what my
When the chance came to have a project, I
career choices are. Besides the question about really did not have a subject in mind. However, an passion and desires, I have to consider so many opportunity to write for UCSD’s newpaper, The other things; ‘Is this is a career that involves late Guardian, about advanced degrees led me to my night?’, ‘Can you support a family on the income?’, focus. I had put out an email on a list-serve for the ‘Does it involve traveling?’ The answers to these International House for students planning on going questions are important because in the future my to graduate school or are in graduate school. I got career has to match up with my other life goals.
many responses; the only contacts that worked out
In ten years from now, I see myself were women. Talking to these women, it was starting a family. At the same time, I still see interesting to hear the similarity in their lives and myself with a career. It has never been an either mine. We are women who want to pursue this or that situation for me. I want it both, I want advanced degrees in the hope of having careers. At it all. Wanting all is something women do in the same time, we want to have families. Somehow recent generations. Unlike my grandmother’s talking to these women, I realized that there is a generation or even my mother’s generation, common bond for women who actively want women no longer expect that they would get careers and families because we learn the married and never have a career or have a balancing act early in life. We learn to seek our career with no family. The balancing act that dreams but also we learn to compromise on our women perform in their daily lives includes dreams. juggling so many elements of a personal and
It takes “your entire life to find balance. You should have balance, on average, over time – not in a day or in a month.” Ursula Burns, CEO XEROX –
Quote from wsj.com Xerox CEO Ursula Burns Has Advice for Ambitious Women Image from www.businessweek.com
Like her mother, she wants to have a professional career but not one that would consume all the attention and time from her future family. Portrait #1 It’s 7.15pm and I am knocking on the
on social issues. She is a woman who has been
door to Esther’s apartment. As I wait for
preparing really hard to go into the medical
someone to open the door, a roommate finally
profession. When I asked her how she knew this
responds just as I think she forgot about the
was the career for her, she listed her
appointment.
been
participation with projects that had a medical
communicating by email for the last week. As I sit
focus. She has taken medical mission trips to
down, and admire the apartment, Esther walks in
Mexico, Nicaragua and Costa Rica.
and pulls out a chair next to mine. We turn the
She has been working towards this dream for
chairs so that we are facing each other.
about seven years now since tenth grade. Her
Esther
and
I
have
Then I ask her, “So you are applying to optometry school, right?” “Actually, I just got into one today,” she says, smiling. “Congratulations. Oh my gosh! I’m so
fascination with the eye has been alive for a while. Sometimes, it is not clear if she is fascinated with optometry in particular or the medical field in general. Talking to her, she made
comments
about
researching
the
happy for you,” I say. I have just met her but
medical field. When pushed to give specifics,
already I am celebrating perhaps one of the
she talks about how she could never be a
biggest moments in her life. At this point, she
neurosurgeon because the thought of operating
knows that optometry school is within her future.
on a person’s brain did not really appeal to her.
Her phone rings and she walks away
Emergency health care is not her thing either
from the table. I can’t really hear what she’s
because she’s “not fit for the lifestyle.”
saying but I get the last part of the conversation
Sometimes talking to her was a bit hard
as she tells the caller “…I’m going to be getting
because she was not truly forthcoming on her
many phone-calls tonight.”
emotions. Her answers were very factual and
Esther is currently a senior at UCSD and
guarded.
It
is
to
be
expected
though,
like so many in her class she is applying to
considering I had only met her that evening.
graduate school and looking to her future beyond
The lifestyle of an optometrist is certainly one
graduation. Currently, she is a
that appeals to a lot of women. During this past
biochemistry major with her emphasis on cell
summer, Esther interned with a group practice
biology. Her minor is in healthcare with a focus
owned by a woman and two other men.
According to Esther, the woman only worked
school is to have a family and be there for her family.
three days a week and still seemed to be living
Like her mother, she wants to have a professional
a comfortable lifestyle. For a generation of
career but not one that would consume all the
women, who not only seem intent on having
attention and time from her future family. With the
careers but successful families as well, what’s
intensity and steadfastness she stated her desire to
there not to like? According to Esther, in the
be married before she is twenty-five, I was a bit
current optometry incoming class for UC
surprised to learn that she is single without a
Berkeley, seventy-five percent are women. This
boyfriend. For right now, Esther is focusing on applying
means in the class of sixty, only twelve are
to UC Berkeley School of Optometry, which is her first
men. For a woman who seems fixated on
choice.
getting married before her four years at
This focus on education runs in the family. Esther’s
medical school is over, this may seem like a
brother, David is in a graduate school. At twenty-six,
disadvantage. The logic being it reduces her
David is currently in a doctorate program at Stanford.
chances of meeting a guy to marry in
His field of study is engineering. It is hard to know if
optometry school. This disparity does not
these desires for high profile careers are a result of
bother Esther because she stated clearly that
familial pressure or just personal desires. When
she
an
asked if her parents played a part in her decision, she
optometrist. If only we could all get to choose
replied that, “it is not important to them.” For some
whom we love.
reason the answer seemed very politically correct to
is
not
interested
in
marrying
As a first generation American citizen, Esther is still not free of some of the cultural
me instead of honest. Portrait #2
expectations to get married. Her parents
The door to Café V (V for Ventana) is
emigrated from Taiwan to go university in the
transparent and the dinner hustle is just beginning. It
United States. Her father has a Master’s in
is 5.00pm and I have just descended the stairs. I am
Mathematics from Berkeley and practices as a
looking all around for a face that I might perhaps
computer engineer. Although Esther’s mother
recognize. I see the girl with the back-pack coming up
has a Bachelor’s degree (Esther did not know
behind me.
her field of study) and also works as a
“Are you Sinmi?” she says to me.
freelance real estate agent, her primary role is
“Hi, you must be Irene,” I say. From there, we
that of home-maker. This example set by her
proceed into the hall to get dinner. Irene goes for a
mother seems to be one that has influenced
turkey sandwich while I decide it is a good time for a
her choice. Her primary focus beyond medical
cut of steak.
*
“Make sure you have the right spouse and be nice to your family, as babysitting duties and favors will be called in and you need to have a good support system” -Indra Nooyi, CEO PepsiCO*
We pay for the meals and walk into the crowd. Along
She is convinced that it won’t come
the side of the central seating area is a strip of tables
through, but all the same, there is still that part of
that look out to the parking lot. I think it is a good idea
her holding on to chance. Rhodes Scholarship is
to sit there so that we can have a conversation. Irene tied to Oxford University and it is one of the most sits with her back to the room. She takes large bites
prestigious scholarships out there. William Clinton
from her sandwich as I try to remember the first
was a recipient and just applying for one denotes a
question I asked Esther. I wanted to keep the interview
certain air of achievement in itself. If the
as uniform as possible and to cover a basic set of five
scholarship does not come through for Irene, she
questions. At the same time I wanted the conversation
is prepared to go to other schools. The problem
to follow a natural course so that my interviewee would
with applying to graduate programs is the fact
feel more comfortable and be forthcoming.
that they are not all the specific program she
Sitting across from me, she looks tired. She has just
wants. She already knows what her dissertation
returned from work. Irene is telling me that she applied
topic would be for her doctorate thesis: the role of
for a Rhodes scholarship.
religion in AIDS prevention with a focus on Africa.
• http://www.theglasshammer.com/news/2008/04/14/indrya-‐nooyi-‐pepsico-‐ ceo-‐on-‐mentors-‐meritocracy-‐and-‐maternity/
Currently an International Studies major, her
Maria’s lack of interest is good because it is her
emphasis is on Anthropology and Sociology. Irene’s
decision. After all, they are born of parents who
interest in the field came about during her sophomore
have “individualistic attitudes.”
year. As an orthodox Christian, she goes to church
With plans to apply to Harvard University,
regularly and on one such visit, she got invited to an
Washington University at St. Louis, UCSF as well
Ethiopian
ceremonial
as the University of Florida, I wonder how that is
differences of the Ethiopian service and the American
going to affect her two year relationship with her
one, she got into conversation with the African
boyfriend, Kin. Perhaps, it might have been easier
congregation about how AIDS was changing the
if they were both going into graduate school.
continent. Thus, an interest in anthropology was born;
However, they are not. They are on opposite tracts
medical anthropology to be specific.
in their career. He, at 33, is completing his
service.
Reveling
in
the
Irene acknowledges that some of her interest
doctorate program in the sociology of American
comes from her parents. Her mother was interested
Religion. It has to be a tough decision to make
in studying archaeology as a student. Her mom never
when you are putting something solid on the line.
went to college though. The only child of a Greek family,
Especially, when the boyfriend seems like a perfect
she turned down a Fulbright Scholarship to go to
catch. Which truly modern woman in her right
Columbia University so that she could work and
mind dumps a man that tells you he is okay being
support her parents. Now, she is married to an
a stay-at-home dad while you work?
American with an engineering degree and working as
At twenty-one, Irene is not really ready for children,
an administrative assistant. She says with pride “I had
yet. Sure, she sees marriage in their future. They
high cultural capital.” She speaks like a budding
are learning to compromise. She tells me candidly
sociologist. The same “high cultural capital” must have
“we strategize. Whoever gets the better offer, we
worked its influence on difference ways on Irene and
follow.” Looking at her, I wonder if anyone should
her sister. Her younger sister, Maria, is into theatre
have to make such a decision at a young age. As
and art, with no inclination what so ever to go to
she points out though “no matter where I end up,
graduate school. The youngest sister, a current high
I’ll find something.” She says this because she is
school student, sees law school in her future. Yet,
interested in AIDS research therefore there will
there is no decrease in the amount of pride in Irene
always be a place for her to work. How many
voice when she talks about either sister. To her,
places would hire a Doctor of Philosophy in
Which truly modern woman in her right mind dumps a man that tells you he is okay being a stay-at-home dad while you work?
Sociology of American Religion? Even, the chances
Irene tells me she agrees with me that the money
of making it into the academia are slim considering
could have been spent more effectively. When she
that he has only published one paper. This worries
gets to her door she pauses and tells me that she
her a bit because she knows if he can’t get a good
knows the current trend of taking an interest in
job then she may have to support both of them
Africa would certainly make explaining her passion
primarily.
much more difficult. Everyone might assume she
As she talks about making plans, it seems
jumped on the bandwagon rather than truly learning
odd that such a focused twenty-one year old would
all the realities of the issue. It is shouldn’t be too
be dating a man twelve years older than she is. I ask
hard considering I never once perceived her to be a
how they met. At first hesitant, then embarrassed,
‘know-it-all’ kind of intellectual, my extremely critical
she tells me that he was once her TA. After
side included. But then, this is the woman whose
discussing her passion for Africa while she was in
face lit up when she told me about her first project
his class, the next quarter they started dating. She
working with young women in Mexico and teaching
looks straight at me and tells me that they both
them about ways to avoid being infected with AIDS.
consider their relationship a bit inappropriate. Love
She said afterwards “it clicked.”
certainly has made people do crazier things.
Portrait #3.
As we wrap up dinner, we walk back
I have just come back from dinner with Irene
towards the building in which we both live. I never
when I check my email. There is a note from Oxana
realized that she lived right below my apartment.
telling me she can meet tonight if I call her. I am
We talk about the Impact One campaign on campus
overjoyed as this is the only graduate student who
and how they could use funds more efficiently. I’m
responded to my mass email for interviews. So, I call
ranting about how I don’t think bad publicity for
her and we agree to meet in about forty minutes.
Africa is good. My grief with the program being that
Later, she’s a little late as I sit in the cold waiting for
it is spending an enormous amount of money
her at the stairwell to her apartment. Five minutes
publicizing the fact that Africa has an AIDS crisis to
after the anointed time, I see a leggy brunette
college students by handing out t-shirts and glossy
walking towards me.
postcards. Especially, I really do not believe that college students are politically active enough to
“I’m Oxana,” she says, her drawl betraying her European heritage.
make a difference to the Africans. The money might
We move to the study rooms where it is
have been spent better providing direct treatments
warmer and there is no one around to bother us. I
to those suffering during this AIDS crisis. Or Impact
begin by asking her about her program of study.
One could teach these students about the AIDS
Oxana is currently a visiting scholar with the
crisis quietly developing in America as women are
International
getting infected at a higher rate than before.
department as an economics student. Her
Relations/Pacific
Studies
(IRPS)
doctorate program is based in Italy and takes
they call each other constantly.
anywhere from three to five years to complete. As
We talk about how the world is adopting American
an undergraduate student, she first began studying
economic policies on a large scale. We talk about
in Ukraine and got her first degree in Accounting
America’s role in the World Wars. Her face turns
and Finance. She had wanted to study something in
dark as she says to me “they put my people in
the sciences. At the time she was going to school,
poverty, they put my grand-parents on bread and
the sciences did not have a future in Ukraine,
water. That is why I study economics.” Perhaps that
according to her educated mother. Plus, her
is her motivation for studying Behavioral Economics
mother never thought the field of study was
but the desire for an education runs in her family.
appropriate for a young woman. So she settled on
Both of her parents went to college. Her mother,
what she could get. However, when she moved to
now deceased, was a specialist in programming as
Italy, the Ukrainian degree was not recognized. She
an electronic engineer. Her father was also an
had to retake the Bachelor’s in Economics.
electronic engineer. Even, her grand-parents went
It is hard to be different because there is no heritage tying to you to something solid and older than you are. During her Italian undergraduate program, she
to college but because of World War II, they were
went to an intensive seminar for those interested in
never able to get their degrees. There is pride in her
economics and that would change her life. She
voice as she tells me about her family’s educational
realized that she wanted to pursue advance
history. Her brother studied topography at a
degrees in economics. She was going to pursue the
Russian university.
degrees in the United States. However, by the time
It might be her mother’s experience as a female
she completed her Bachelor’s in Italy, she was
engineer that informed her advice to her daughter.
married to a man, Roberto, whom she met at the
When I told my mother that I wanted to be an
seminar. Roberto is an assistant professor in
architect, she had a fit. She though I could do
economics. His specialty is econometrics having
almost anything else in the world but that. Well, I
studied
an
was not so badly hurt, it turns out I hate physics
in
which is essential to architecture. Maybe, like my
Economics. As a compromise, for her not being able
mother, Oxana’s mother did not want her daughter
to pursue a full degree in the United States, Oxana
facing her struggles.
statistics
undergraduate
and
and he
economics has
a
as
doctorate
opted to spend one year as a visiting scholar at
Her voice turns sour as she tells about how
UCSD. Spending one year away from one’s husband
the crash of the Ukrainian economy led to lost of
must be hard, I noted. She smiles and tells me that
jobs for her parents. First her father, then her
Her brother never was interested in map-drawing
logical place to home, since her brother is now
so he opened up a curtain business with his wife in
Russian, her mother is dead and therefore she
Russia. Her once chipper voice is dim. There is
has no longing for the Ukraine. Plus, her husband
almost a sense of embarrassment coming over her.
is Italian.
I
States,
As she becomes more open, she tells me
entrepreneurship is something to be celebrated.
sometimes she does not feel as if she knows who
Besides, the fact that they all have their degrees is
she is. I tell her that I have the same problem. I am
something to be proud of. In Italy, a lot of the
an immigrant and it is hard to be something that
Ukrainian immigrants come in as unskilled labor;
my mother is not. I very much have defined myself
doing jobs that pay the least and have the lowest
as my mother’s daughter my whole life. I want to
social standing. When they hear that she is
be exactly like my mother which one of the
Ukrainian and in the doctorate program, the Italians
reasons I considered architecture. I try to make
get haughty with her, annoyed that she is perhaps
my decisions how I think my mother would choose.
doing better than their children.
All of a sudden, I am doing something she may not
Soon after talking about her family’s economic
understand. I tell her that we both come from
woes, she clams up and it takes a while to calm her
culture where we are defined by our communities,
down. I have to thread lightly with the question so it
the people that raised us, and then all of a sudden
does seem as if I am invading her privacy. As a child,
standing as individuals, we are lost. It is hard to be
Oxana spent her summers with her maternal
different because there is no heritage tying to you
grandmother who is Russian, therefore speaks
to something solid and older than you are. I tell her
Russian is better than the Ukrainian native
one day she would find the answers if she hasn’t
language. As an adult, she moved to Italy and is now
already since I am starting to find my own identity.
in the process of legally naturalizing into an Italian.
An identity that is an amalgamation of the things I
Italy for her feels more like home than anyplace else
grew up knowing and the things I am discovering
she’s ever been. Oxana has not fully absorbed this
in me and the people I meet daily.
note
to
her
that
in
the
United
fact. She does acknowledge that it is the most
-‐the end
Six Years Later.
When I wrote that article, I had just turned 20 the previous month. Here I was no longer a teenager and graduating from college in a few months. It was an amazing moment in my life when I felt like I had to make all my decisions immediately or my life won’t make sense. If the woman that I was then could see the woman that I am now, she would be surprised. And I say this with happiness. I have become more relaxed about my life since then. Like so many young women, I was at a point in my life where I was so focused on getting my career ready for marriage and children. I was, in effect, leaning away from the table. All of the stress of finishing college, applying for jobs and wondering what would happen next made for a depressing few months. Especially, when I graduated college and still did not have a job. I was disappointed. One of the best decisions I made during that time was not to make decisions at all. In the year after graduation, I got the chance to live in San Diego and work in a professional environment. I enjoyed my time working for a big company but I realized I wanted something more for myself than what was in front of me. I was not willing to settle for what seemed like an administrative track job. This many years later, I am leaning into the table. I am at a point in my life where I realize I have to life for now. I am now actively looking for opportunities in life that would allow me push my career to the fullest. Nothing really is off the table for me. One of the reasons why the Sheryl Sandberg book Lean In resonates so much with me is because I can identify with her hypothesis. There are so many
environment factors that limit women’s progress. However, another factor is women’s attitudes towards their career. Not all women want to make it to C-level and that is fine. However, for those who aim for C-level, there needs to be a rethink of the many things we do to limit ourselves.
Sinmi