BAD POETRY by Eleanor Orchard

BAD POETRY 04:08:14

I AM NOT A POET

IF LIFE WAS AS HARD, AS IT USE TO BE I WOULD PUT MY PANTS ON TWO LEGS AT A TIME. JUMP INTO MY JUMPERS AND ABSEIL MY SOCKS. EAT PORRIDGE WITH MY HANDS, OR CHOPSTICKS, OR WITH A COMB FROM MY BOOT. WASH MY FACE WITH GRAVEL AND PLAIT MY EYEBROWS. ALL BEFORE 8 O’CLOCK. AND THEN I’D HAVE SOMETHING TO MOAN ABOUT TO THE YOUNG PEOPLE. BUT IT’S NOT.

ALL FOR NOTHING. ALL FOR ONE. ALL FOR EACH OTHER. ALL FOR ANOTHER. ALL FOR THE WINNER. ALL FOR THE UNDERDOG. ALL FOR THE ‘KID’. ALL FOR THE CREAKY SPRINGS. ALL FOR THE ‘NOT YOU’ FALL. ALL FOR CHANGES IN THE MENU. ALL FOR THE COOL FRIEND. ALL FOR THE RETRO TREND. ALL FOR OUR MOTHERS, AND HER COOKING. ALL FOR VISITING, BUT MORE FOR COMING HOME AGAIN. ALL FOR THE BROKEN HEARTS, AND BETTER YET THE MENDING. ALL FOR ‘THAT SONG’. ALL FOR THE GOOD HAIR DAY. ALL FOR THE UNEXPECTED ENDING.

IF I WAS IN THE MOVIES MAYBE PEOPLE WOULD LIKE ME... WELL NOT ME EXACTLY. THE PRODUCT OF WRITERS, DIRECTORS, COACHES, MAKE UP ARTISTS, EDITORS, AND FICTION. A FAKE ME. I’M NOT ME, BUT YOU COULD BE ME, WITH THE HELP OF... WRITERS, DIRECTORS, COACHES, MAKE UP ARTISTS, EDITORS, AND FICTION.

I COULD BE REALLY HAPPY

WITH A DOG

I’VE NEVER BEEN SO JEALOUS, SUCH UNREQUITED ENVY. THEY GET THE BEST OF THE FOOTPATH. THEY DON’T HAVE TO WALK OR RUN. THAT KID IN A PRAM

IN 63 DAYS I’LL BE SAD OR STRESSED OR SICK WITH HAPPINESS

TODAY I WAS TOLD THAT I COULD GO BLIND

LETS SEE WHERE THAT GETS ME.

I COULD PURCHASE ENLIGHTENMENT ONLINE. SHIPPING IS A DOLLAR.

PONCING AROUND CHAPEL STREET IN SPLIT BIKE SHORTS, BUT IT DOESN’T ATTRACT ATTENTION.

“I PEEL MY NAILS ONE AT A TIME.” “TOO MUCH DETAIL. HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO GET STICKERS OFF THINGS?” “APPLES ARE FINE AND THAT’S ALL I’M REALLY FOND OF.”

I HAVE A BROWN PAPER BAG THAT I WAS DRYING ROSE PETALS IN, BUT THAT WAS A LONG TIME AGO AND I’M NOW AFRAID TO LOOK IN THE BAG. IT’S THE TRUTH, I’M STARING AT THE BAG RIGHT NOW, BUT I DON’T WANT TO LOOK, IN CASE THEY’VE ALL GONE MOULDY

I’VE NEVER USED MY FIRST AID KIT I FIND THE CONTENTS TO BE QUITE MYSTERIOUS. THEY’RE NOT IMMEDIATELY RECOGNISABLE. BUT I’M SURE THEY’RE USEFUL. EXCEPT FOR THAT TIME I FORGOT IT, OR THAT TIME WHEN I COULDN’T FIND IT.

BUT I’M SURE THEY’RE USEFUL.

NEVER COUNT YOUR COINS WHEN YOU’RE SAVING. YOU’LL ONLY REALISE HOW MUCH YOU DON’T HAVE.

WHY DO CAFES ALWAYS HAVE PLASTIC FLOWERS? OBVIOUSLY YOU’RE POOR. NICE CAFES HAVE REAL FLOWERS.

THAT EARLY MORNING KNOCK ON THE DOOR ARE YOU EXPECTING SOMEONE? NO ASSESS THE SITUATION AWAKE. CHECK. CLOTHES. CHECK. KNOCK KNOCK SCREW IT GO BACK TO SLEEP

IT’S ALMOST SAD WHEN YOU APPROACH THE CAFE AND THEY ASK “THE USUAL?”

I REALLY DON’T THINK I CAN DO THIS. I CAN’T LIVE WITH BEING EXPECTED.

I BOOKED A FLIGHT TODAY IT GOES FOR MORE THAN TWO HOURS. IT LEAVES THE COUNTRY.

WHY?

YOU’VE PROBABLY GOT THE BLACK OR THE PALE MORE LIKELY THE PLAID OR MAYBE THE PALE BLUE AND PUCE

PLAGUE. PLAGUE. PLAGUE. PLAGUE.

THAT’S WHAT I HAVE, A SNIDE DAUGHTER AND A FILTHY, FILTHY DOG. -MOTHER

WHY IS

MUCH TO

SO WORSE

HONEST

AND

CALL

SOMEONE

L THAN

A IT

R TO LIE

YOU CAN’T RESIST...

EVERY MISTAKE EVERY FAULT THAT SMUG SATISFACTION

I’M JUST LIKE MY DOG. I SLEEP AND EAT AND AVOID THE HEAT

TIME TO INDULGE IN WORDS

LUXURIATE

HOW DECADENT.

IF I WAS A POET A GINSBERG, A NERUDA, A BUKOWSKI, OR COHEN YOU MIGHT READ THIS THROUGH TO

THE END

DO YOU DRINK THE MILK FROM THE BOWL ONCE YOU’VE FINISHED YOUR CEREAL? THIS IS THE QUESTION OF MY GENERATION.

ARE YOU SURE IT’S REAL LEATHER? IF NOT MY FEET WILL SWEAT. I KNOW IT’S A HAT, BUT IN SPITE OF THAT, MY FEET WILL SURELY SWEAT. OH NO IT MOVED! OH YES IT’S REAL, I THINK HER NAME IS KYLIE.

LET’S ALL MEET IN THE CITY OF DEEP FRIED ANGELS!

IF I COULD WRITE A VERSE I WOULDN’T BE SO CURSED. MY WORDS ARE POORLY, ... WHAT RHYMES WITH POORLY?

LET’S HAVE A CONVERSATION ABOUT YOUR FOOLISH EXPLORATION INTO OUT OF SPACE WHILE OFF YOUR FACE. MOTHER WOULD NOT APPROVE. PLEASE REMEMBER TO WIPE YOUR SHOES.

WORDS ARE NOT MY THING NOT EVEN IF I SING. DRAWING. QUITE BORING? THE THING WITH THE LITTLE SQUIGGLY BITS? YEAH, THAT’S IT. ARRANGED IN THE RIGHT WAY, WELL, IT COULD JUST MAKE YOUR DAY.

TINFOIL DON’T BUY THE CHEAP KIND, IT’LL LET YOU DOWN EVERY TIME. A SHINY DECEIVER AND I KNOW IT’S BAD FOR THE WORLD. BUT I’VE GOTTA GET MY FIX BY WRAPPING THINGS WITH IT. IT IMPROVES MY COOKING WHICH NEEDS HELP JUST DONT CHEW IT OR PUT IT IN THE MICROWAVE.