Coping with grief

Community members describe their experiences and strategies managing their grief BY MIRA WAGNER AND ALEX ZHANG

On an evening in 2001, school-based therapist Richard Prinz received a call from his mother. After learning of his father’s passing, he was immediately brought to tears. Despite being with his wife at the time when receiving the news, Prinz felt that it was necessary to have time to grieve alone, stating that he just needed to

“feel it.” M a n y years later, Prinz strongly values coping mechanisms that “take [the grief] on,” such as sharing one’s feelings with others. He notes that some of the best coping methods include speaking with close friends and family and “not be[ing] afraid of the sadness.” He also recommends utilizing services, like the Centre for Living with Dying, which provide an outlet for discussing grief.

“A good coping mechanism is to let people know what’s going on [with] you, so they’re not [concerned],” Prinz said. “I think that could just add another layer to the difficult situation you find yourself in.”

Senior Ariyal Jain echoes the importance of sharing one’s feelings regarding their grief. After the passing of her grandfather and her childhood cat, Jain found that instead of processing her grief in a healthy way, she closed off, and

focused on her schoolwork instead. By shifting her focus onto other topics, she ignored her grief, a coping mechanism she found to be slightly unhealthy. “It’s hard to balance what one’s thinking and one’s logical rational reasoning with the emotional reasoning and rationale behind it,” Jain said. “I think that’s probably when people tend to fall off a cliff and go into the deep end and close off and shut down and not talk to anybody I THINK THAT’S WHEN PEOPLE TEND TO SHUT DOWN because it’s really hard to express your emotions sometimes.” BECAUSE IT’S REALLY Jain recalls HARD TO EXPRESS her own personal YOUR EMOTIONS SOMETIMES. struggles with accepting her grandfather’s

JUNIOR ARIYAL JAIN passing and the events leading up to the moment. For her, these collective experiences amounted to an especially painful feeling of being alone and unable to communicate with her loved ones. She attributes much of this to how isolated she felt due to hospital COVID-19 visitor regulations. “I didn’t want to accept that it happened so I kind of just pretended to have a regular life,” Jain said. “I think it was really hard because I didn’t know that the last conversation I had with my grandfather was going to be the last one because after he got a stroke, he wasn’t able to communicate again. And then he was placed in the hospital and during COVID you’re not allowed to visit your family members and so that was really hard.” Along with voicing one’s own thoughts on their grief, Jain also valuess of recognizing the feelings of friends and family, especially during COVID-19. She finds that checking in on people periodically can aid with painful moments while simultaneously helping their mental health. While Jain brings attention to being aware of others as they grieve, Prinz

GRAPHIC | MIKAYLAH DU DENIAL ANGER BARGAINING ACCEPTANCE DEPRESSION MAKING MEANING

highlights the value in being aware or physically.” of oneself and how reactions can be Jain remembers encountering similar influenced by grief. feelings regarding her dependence on

“It’s awareness of like, her cat, Shire, ‘OK, I could be feeling a range of different things and even if I snap at TO GO EASY ON YOURSELF AND due to the fact that she had spent her entire somebody, it could be ALLOW YOURSELF THE life with him. because I’m grieving a loss,’” Prinz said. “To go easy on yourself and allow yourself the opportunity to be sad OPPORTUNITY TO BE SAD IS IMPORTANT BECAUSE THERE IS NO ONE WAY TO GRIEVE. “It was really hard to process,” Jain said. “Sometimes [I cry because] I is important because there’s no one way to SCHOOL-BASED just think that I’m never going grieve.” THERAPIST to be able to pet In general, Prinz finds that it is especially RICHARD PRINZ him again. I think that’s probably difficult to cope with the part that the loss of a person closely ingrained hurts the most, just thinking about all in one’s life, as many people are not the things that you’ll never be able to prepared for that burden “emotionally do again.”

Junior Hayden Ancheta also recognizes the difficulty in losing a loved one, and finds that “memories stay forever and keep them with you for the rest of your life.”

Prinz notes that preserving memories as a way to honor the loss of a person is a key part of “making meaning” — one of the six stages of grief, alongside denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance.

“I find it helpful for me to continue remembering the person, remembering things that I valued about them,” Prinz said. “My dad was very generous, so I try to remember that and keep that going. I think that falls into ‘making meaning’ where the things you’ve learned from the person and the things you value about that person, you keep those alive in yourself and make it so that person is part of your world.” FEATURES | DECEMBER 2021 21

PANDEMIC LOSS

Re ecting on the hardship of losing loved ones to COVID-19 BY JAYANTI JHA AND AASHNA PATEL

While preparing to take a Biology exam in October of 2020, sophomore Ananya Nadathur received the news — her grandfather had passed away in Coimbatore, India from COVID-19. Due to COVID-19 restrictions, she hadn’t been able to make her annual summer visit to her family in India and she says she faced a slightly di erent version of the six stages of grief due to complications from the pandemic.

“I was like, ‘OK, this isn’t possible’ because [my grandfather] was really healthy — he’d take long walks and he was fit,” Nadathur said. “Then after that, [I] was really upset because of the circumstances around it. And then bargaining, but then, I think the depression stage lasted for months after that. [But] I’ve accepted it now.”

Nadathur remembers crying a lot on the day she found out about her grandfather’s death, yet not crying at all during the following week. To cope, she FaceTimed her grandmother, who had recently recovered from COVID-19, spent time with her 12-year-old sister and looked through old pictures. However, it was harder to manage her grief because her dad flew to India, so she couldn’t talk to him while he was traveling.

She recalls her grandfather being “really supportive” and reminding her “to have fun with things.” A memory Nadathur associates with her grandfather was when her family drove up to Ooty, India, and saw an elephant cross the road, along with a group of monkeys and peacocks. Her grandfather got along well with the peacocks and named one of them after an Indian sweet, Ladoo. Nadathur and her sister still have a feather that Ladoo dropped at her grandfather’s door.

Junior Ankita Chaugule also lost her grandfather over the quarantine, on Aug. 8, two days before her birthday. Her grandfather already had a preexisting condition of heart disease when he caught COVID-19 and, one week later, he died of a heart attack at the hospital.

While Chaugule had a good relationship with her grandfather, she claims that wasn’t able to develop as close of a relationship with him as she would have hoped. Nevertheless, as the only daughter on her dad’s side of the family, she felt that her grandfather had a special a ection for her. She remembers positive memories including showing him around America when he first visited the country, taking him to Napa and San Francisco. She grieved her grandfather’s sudden death by crying for a week before realizing that “it’s happened [and] we have to move forward.”

Because of COVID-19, her family was unable to visit India until 10 months later. Instead, they watched the funeral virtually and did pujas, Hindu worship rituals, at home.

Clinical psychotherapist and owner of Mind Mechanic, Rapid Resolution Therapy, Jordan Boehler explains that the pandemic added new challenges — including not being able to attend in-person funerals — to the grieving process. Despite the availability of virtual services, he mentions a “hollowness” and “sense of unreality” that comes with not being able to attend events in

TOTAL NUMBER OF INTERNATIONAL COVID-19 DEATHS ACCORDING TO WORLDMETER

person, and adds that the distance “ties in with guilt and shame.”

Another complication Boehler points out is that “di erent countries’ responses to COVID-19 and di erent countries’ access to resources opens up a new realm of anger and frustration possibly at what maybe could have been prevented.”

Nadathur also expressed frustration at seeing people on social media breaking social distancing regulations and felt even more upset after the death of her grandfather.

“Lots of people don’t realize the privilege they have to go out and not worry about not being able to find a good hospital,” Nadathur said. “There are actual lives being lost to this disease and [it’s] really upsetting to see people live in a bubble away from all of that.”

After COVID-19 related deaths caused an increase in the number of clients he works with, Boehler has uncovered a finding when responding to others’ grief — phrases like “Sorry for your loss” to one who lost a family member can be more hurtful than helpful, and can make people feel like “someone is twisting a knife as they remind you of what’s happened.”

“Instead of saying ‘Sorry for your loss,’ what I ask is, ‘Do you still feel connected?’” Boehler said. “And if there is a connection there, it brings their attention back to the fact that this person lives on in some way, either in them or outside of them, which causes an experience of connection which really eases pain, and helps to resolve grief very quickly.”

Nadathur understands that many people don’t know how to comfort people grieving the loss of a family member. However, she finds acts of service — like o ering to help her catch up on classes or talking with her — to be more helpful than simply apologizing for her loss.

Now, a year later, both Chaugule and Nadathur share that they have accepted the passing of their family members. However, the loss still a ects their lives — when Chaugule traveled to India this June, she felt “odd” because there was no one left in the house after both her grandparents had passed away: she lost her grandmother when she was in fifth grade and now she lost her grandfather, too. Despite the continued grief that Chaugule experiences, Boehler says that grief doesn’t have to last forever — in fact, he says that his clients often only need one visit to discuss their grief.

“Grief is not for a lifetime,” Boehler said. “It doesn’t need to stick around. You don’t need to grieve more to feel better, just like you don’t need to open a wound deeper to heal it. [If you] cause connection with that person, pain goes away.”

INSTEAD OF SAYING “SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS,” WHAT I ASK IS, “DO YOU STILL FEEL CONNECTED?”

UNCONVENTIONAL LOSS

STUDENTS REFLECT ON INSTANCES OF LOSS IN THEIR LIVES BY JANNAH SHERIFF

Ethan Lu: Pet rabbit

Sophomore Ethan Lu remembers the shock he felt when he discovered that one of his pet rabbits, Sugar, had been killed by a cat while playing in his backyard. Lu’s family had adopted Sugar and her sister, Snow, from family friends during quarantine. One night only one of their rabbits returned, and when his family went outside to look for the other, they found the rabbit’s body in the yard and a cat running away.

All of Lu’s family members spent time with the rabbits and referred to them as “little sisters” in Chinese.

“Everyone in our family was pretty attached to [the rabbits, and] we always played with them,” Lu said. “I’m more protective of [our other rabbit Snow] now. I check on [her] outside more often and, whenever I can, I go play with [her].”

Agnes Wang: Childhood toy

Even after nine years, junior Agnes Wang vividly remembers losing her favorite childhood toy when she was in second grade — a yellow glow in the dark bouncy ball with a smiley face on it. Shopping with her mom at Marina Foods, Wang recalls bouncing the toy around the store before her mom accidentally kicked it away. Wang only fully registered that she had permanently lost the toy once she left the store and reached their car, after which she spent the next few days crying over its disappearance.

She had selected the toy from her second grade teacher’s prize box after cashing in the stamps she received

for good behavior. Wang holds fond memories of bouncing it against the walls of her room and carrying it with her everywhere she went. After losing the ball, Wang accompanied her mom every time she went back to the store in hopes of finding it. “Sometimes if I’m on Amazon and get bored, I try to search for the exact same bouncy ball, but I just can’t find it,” Wang said. “Any bouncy ball I have these days is, I feel like it’s never GRAPHICS | MIKAYLAH D U gonna compare because that one held held such a special meaning to me back then [when] I loved it so much.” Hiranya Sundar: Familial loss After her grandmother passed away, senior Hiranya Sundar remembers experiencing the loss of her grandmother through her mother’s grief rather than her own. Due to her limited interactions with her grandmother, she describes the feeling as an “echo of a loss’’ and “secondhand grief” that left her feeling guilt and confusion over not knowing how to react. Sundar views her confusion after the loss as an example of how she feels distant from her family members in India. Although Sundar connects with her Indian heritage through cultural and religious activities like playing the veena and singing classical Karnatic music, she feels disconnected from the everyday culture of India. She describes experiencing a sense of “familial loss” due to living in the U.S. and being isolated from her extended family in India. “[Being isolated from extended family feels like] you’re missing something, but you don’t know what you’re missing,” Sundar said. “So you’re just like, ‘Should I talk more [with my extended family]?’ [But] even if you do want to talk more, you don’t know the language. You don’t get the same familial experience [and bond] as people who have grandparents next to them.”

Avani Kalari: Vacation photos

During her family’s trip to Italy and Greece during summer vacation in 7th grade, junior Avani Kalari remembers her excitement over having her own phone for the first time, which allowed her to document the trip through photos. However, after changing her password multiple times on a train ride to her hotel in Athens, she forgot her password and was forced to reset her phone, losing access to the photos she had taken. Kalari notes that she takes the most photos out of her family members and uses pictures as a way to capture moments that are special to her. She viewed the trip as “really special” since her family usually went on road trips within the U.S. and it was her first time visiting Europe. Now, she is only able to remember the trip by the small amount of photos that her family took on their shared digital camera.

“I have a pretty bad memory when it comes to remembering things on my own without other people jogging my memory, [and photos] serve to remind me about my life,” Kalari said. “I was pretty sad that all the photos were gone because then I wouldn’t remember the trip very well. But [I still remember the trip] by the few photos we have left, so it’s OK.”

REMEMBERING STACEY CLER

Celebrating the life of Literature teacher Stacey Cler BY MICHELLE CHEN, ANUSHKA DE AND JAYANTI JHA

PHOTO COURTESY OF JAY SHELTON | USED WITH PERMISSION

Literature teacher Stacey Cler could never sleep very well, and sometimes, late at night, she would receive phone calls from art teacher Jay Shelton. Shelton met Cler in 2002, and she quickly became the butt of his jokes, his dog’s favorite person and the only person that could come even close to beating him in Scrabble.

“I have a tendency to veer to the people that are marginalized,” Shelton said. “I was a really weird kid — still am — and I would look for that other strange kid and go, ‘That’s my friend.’ Stacey was a little bit of an oddball, and that’s why we got along here.”

Cler began working at MVHS in 2000 and “made great contributions to the English department, shaping the way courses are taught with new ideas, creative projects and leadership through action,” according to a schoolwide email commemorating her life written by her colleague, literature teacher Jireh Tanabe.

Junior Kayla Chang met Cler in her freshman literature class. However, they didn’t get close until Chang started dropping into Cler’s Zoom office hours during the pandemic. She explains that it’s those daily interactions with Cler that are the most painful reminder of her absence.

Cler passed away on Monday, Nov. 1, 2021. She had been in and out of the hospital due to physical disabilities and chronic pain throughout her life, though she hoped to return to school this year. Still, Shelton emphasizes that Cler thought of her students constantly and would instruct him to check up on them, even while in the hospital.

“She had told us that she was getting a minor brain surgery,” Chang said. “And I remember thinking, ‘That’s such an oxymoron,’ — ‘minor’ and ‘brain surgery’ don’t belong in the same sentence. I remember being really worried. But she comforted my friend and I and she was like, ‘I’ll be fine, it’s not my time yet.’ And I wish that I had gotten to check in with her one more time because she was so selfless and comforting and kind.”

Junior Nicole Ni admired Cler’s resilience and compassion because they taught her to utilize her “maximum power” to have a positive impact. Ni, who was in Cler’s literature classes for both her freshman and sophomore year, remembers feeling “self-conscious” about not “fitting into American society.” But it was Cler who empathized with her struggles, stood up for her and inspired her to be confident.

“The thing I [most] miss about her is that she was really good at [recognizing] other’s emotions,” Ni said. “Since she’s no longer here, I feel like the students need to find extra help because when we’re facing emotional barriers, the majority of us won’t reach [for] help by ourselves because we’re afraid. But she’s the kind [of person] who’ll tell you, ‘Don’t hesitate to ask for help.’”

Both Shelton and Tanabe admired Cler’s unique ability to recognize the students who were struggling and empathize with them — it is her constant support that Chang and Ni say they will miss about her most. Cited constantly as a good friend, an inspiring colleague and a compassionate teacher, Cler left a lasting imprint on those she touched.

“The kids that get attached to her are kids that needed somebody they could take care of and somebody that would take care of them back,” Shelton said. “She was really good with the kids and I don’t think enough people realized and gave her credit for someone that’s in constant pain. When kids got to know her, they really liked her — she cared a lot about them.”