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Lessons from a Decade of Love by Edith Duarte
LESSONS FROM A DECADE OF LOVE
BY EDITH DUARTE, EDITOR-IN-CHIEF
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Ten years. Ten years of love, life, laughter, and marriage. When I first decided to write this editorial, I had a lot of different ideas of everything I wanted it to mean. At first I thought I wanted it to be about all the things we have endured and survived over the course of ten years. Then I scratched that idea. After that I brainstormed ten ways to keep your marriage alive and well after a decade. I quickly trashed that idea as well. The reality is that even after ten years of marriage, there are still moments that teach me what true love is and remind me why we fell in love in the first place. Moments that take my breath away and make me think I would do it all again in a heartbeat.
Nothing tests a marriage like a tragedy. Deny it if you must but the pandemic shifted the course of every marriage. Yes, I said EVERY marriage. It is no ones fault, it is just a fact. For some, it unearthed a hidden strength as families endured job loss, illness, and the death of a loved one (in some families, multiple deaths). For others, the pandemic amplified issues never before addressed and couples separated. An influx of time at home meant mothers and fathers worked from home while simultaneously assuming the role of ‘teacher’ for their children. Engaged couples and their families dealt with the pressures of postponed honeymoons and cancelled wedding ceremonies. Children peered at their friends and classmates from behind their iPad screens and wondered how long it would be until they could all be together again in a classroom. We all became virology experts and ZOOM became our only window to the outside world. My own marriage was no exception. And although this article is about the first decade of our marriage, the pandemic became the catalyst to many lessons we learned.
BUILDING A HOME
After the initial shock wore off we did what all humans did: we adapted to our new normal. We didn’t adapt, we REFINED our new normal. We started with our house. Like many of you, we reevaluated every room and every piece of furniture in the house. After that I realized I hated many of the pieces of furniture we had so carefully collected over the years. So what had changed? For us, that meant discovering that our house more than just a house, it was our home. A place of respite, not just somewhere to sleep. I broke all my silly rules about guest towels and I learned to sit in my formal living room and nap on my decorative pillows. Until then I had failed to build a home that fit us and our way of life.
PRIORITY RESET
Although my husband has worked from home for years, the absence of our normal routine — meals out with friends, dinner parties, road trips to see family, and networking events — opened our eyes to how chronically overbooked we lived our lives prior to the pandemic. We realized we rarely declined any invitation. Should we really drive two hours each way just to share a meal with someone who doesn’t do the same? Sure, why not. We obviously don’t have anything better to do. We were the proverbial “yes men” of social engagements. After the pandemic, we realized we needed to ask some difficult questions and we began to reevaluate our priorities. How were we really spending our time? Were we taking any time for ourselves to have a date night? Did we ever say 'no' or did we always say 'yes' to placate someone else? (After a brief stent in the hospital) we began to ask: who are the people that have always supported us and truly remained by our side?
Replica of my original bouquet
@flora.and.vine
Original bridal images from 2012
REAL TALK
Before the pandemic, we both considered ourselves to be very open with one another. Being in quarantine together, however, showed us there was much improvement to be made. We realized the time we spent talking was not as important as HOW we communicated. We began to speak with greater candor; open honesty. This can only be done if you have complete trust in your partner and know they allow you to speak freely. Getting to this stage is not always easy (think hurt feelings and misunderstandings) but its definitely worth it because it leads to growth and maturity as a couple. It means you begin to see your problems from the perspective as a couple versus two single people. This also means that you are working together to correct communication weaknesses versus getting caught up on assigning blame when disagreements arise.
The worst thing you can do is air your dirty laundry out to friends and family. Admit it, you’ve done it. We’ve all done it before. If you’re going through something, refrain from looping friends or relatives into the dialogue. Involving others prevents you from sharing your true, unbiased feelings with your spouse. If you’re tempted to start a sentence with ‘can you believe that man wants me to..,’ chances are you need to be talking to the man in question instead of talking about him to someone else. Consider this: your relatives will remember your complaints and fault him long after the fight is over and you have forgiven him. Is it truly worth it?
QUALITY TIME
When we first got married, every Friday night was date night. We would go out to dinner or catch a movie. The activity varied depending on where we lived. Finding out about iPic was a game changer: great food and a movie?! Yes please! Over time, however, we allowed other activities to crowd out date night. A few weeks into the pandemic we started getting restless from being at home all the time so we explored the great outdoors. Just like that we had reinstated date night, only this time it was during the day. This was even better than date night because it rarely involved distractions from our phones; its hard to check messages when you’re walking in nature. We also discovered we had a mutual love for birds and began learning more about the species that visit our feeders and even purchased books and binoculars to take along on our walks.
THE ME IN WE
Perhaps the biggest lesson I have learned after ten years of marriage is that there is still a “me” in “we.” We are a married couple composed of two individual people with individual personalities and interests. THIS IS NORMAL! Spending time together as a couple and with couple friends is great, I highly recommend it but you also need time apart. This can take any form, really. Perhaps you can go to the spa or the gym alone. Maybe he has a recurring coffee or lunch set up with a best guy friend, thats great too!
Editorial
@ellainspiresmag
Photos
@izziecervantesphotography
Florals
@flora.and.vine
Cake
@ruthihutsoncakes
