Hello everyone, This one is a little compilation of some dark poems I wrote this year 2009, somewhere between January and February... I selected them just because they’re dar, but not necessary me, I mean, many times I have been asked why did I write this way, and I can’t find an answer to satisfy those curious minds, of course they’ve got some parts of me, but they’ve got a lot of letting my mind fow with the music I’m listening to and words that cross my mind... So this is elros Tuominen re some nightmares, some of hope as well, everyone a light somewhere, I do
talking, this is Antonio Alza A. trying to shafear, some doubts and some pain, but quite a lot who knows me and read my poems knows there’s need to believe there’s some hope, it has to be...
So, many thanks to you all, many thanks for your time, and many thanks for being so patient with me, and many thanks to my devoted wife, who supports me more than I can admit, and many thanks to my little honey, she’s the smile, the bright light, the reason to believe... So, again, this is elros Tuominen talking, this is Antonio Alza A.
I. It’s all I got to say today, wish you the light and darkness, wish you the beginning, and wish you the end, wish you the balance, wish you the peace, wish you the beginning, wish you the end, it’s all I got to say, wish you peace of mind, wish you forgiveness, wish you oblivion, and eternety, wish you eternety, wish you the beginning, and wish you the end,
wish you an empty bed, to share with every lover, to share with every friend, wish you bubbles on the sky, and butterflies on your head, wish you the sun on your face, wish you the moon on your back, wish you a path of stars, wish you the beginning, and wish you the end, it’s all I got to say today, wish you the way to reach out for the balance, wish you the beginning, wish you the end...
it’s all I got to say today, wish you empty rooms, to fullfill with colored air, wish you empty bags, to fullfill with colored pictures of life, to fullfill with tasty experiences, wish you the beginning, and wish you the end, it’s all I got to say today, wish you an empty bed,
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The Alpha and the Omega
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A little conversation between me and my doctor
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II. The doctor said to me, maybe light hurts you, and I said, no, it doesn’t hurt me, the only thing that hurt my eyes, reflections, yes, reflections from yesterday, they hurt my eyes, but not too much anyway, you know, so he said to me if my back was weak, he heard me complaining about carrying some boxes I left on the attic, then I said the doctor that my back was not weak, it was just that it was Monday morning, and you know, I feel a little lazy those lazy Monday mornings, you know, so he told me that I should try to remember if the last doctor told me anything about chromosomes, about chromosomes did I ask, about chrosomes, well maybe he told me something about different chromosomes or something like that, or maybe I did hear it on the radio,
I don’t know, so the doctor asked me to sit down on the bed, and I told him that I would prefer to sit down on the roof, so I could see everyone on the street, but well, he said, I should explore you so I can see what’s up with you, well, I said, long time ago a gypsy woman told me I have an angel, an angel or so, and the world is a wonderful place since that day, the doctor told me that he doesn’t believe in angels, ok I said, so that’s why you’re feeling so lost, maybe, well, he said to me, well, maybe you’re right, or maybe you’re just another gypsy dreamer lost in his fantasies, so I told him that I left fantasies behind some time ago, but I still believe in my angel boy...
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III. I think you’re underated, I think you’re running out of time, I think you’ve been trying so hard for nothing, I think you’ve been humillated, I think your screams have waken up lots of night monsters, I think you’re underated, you, you will lie down on your bed of lies, you, I think you’ve been living on your world, you, I guess you’ve written your own fakes, you’re so underated, you, you’ve tried to feed your ego, eat some laughpills, drink some laugh drink, smoke some laugh cigarettes, you, you’ve been pretending everything’s ok, you, you’ve been laughing at your future, only when you’re with your imaginary friends, you, you’ve been crying oceans of tears, on your solitary nights, you’ve been drinking your bitter pain, you,
you’re so underated, there’s no way to hide, you, your lies have been your grave, you, you’ve been dreaming of lies so many time, you, you’re on the way to destruction, you spread your lies, pretending everything’s ok, you, you’ve trusted them, you, you got the answer to cure this pain, to come down from your cross, to take your nails out from your hands, to clean your wounds, you, you’re underated, I think you’re running out of time, this is the last time I am telling you, that you should turn back, you, you’ve built a complicated world...
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The world you created
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I should shut up
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IV. Am I ready for the war, am I ready for confusion, am I ready for the law, am I ready for the time that comes, for the time that eats my skin, am I ready for getting old, am I ready for the time to come, am I ready for your kisses, for your sometimes I would kill you, am I ready for the naked truth, I can’t ignore what I deserve, so you got me here, I can’t ignore I’ve hurt you so much, so I should shut up and listen to, eat my words, eat my hate, pay every bill, am I ready for losing all my money, am I ready for letting myself go, for the water to come and flood my life, am I ready for love, am I ready for this deep deep hole, am I ready for your telephone call, am I ready for kissing your chemical lips, am I ready for your love, am I ready to be like an animal, am I ready to be like an animal, eat what you don’t want to eat, lay on the floor,
and die on some kind of strange surgery table on Mars, or so, am I ready for this war, am I ready for this love, am I ready for the law, ready for the time that comes, I can’t ignore what I deserve, so you got me here, I can’t ignore I’ve hurt you so much, so I should shut up and listen to, eat my words, eat my hate, pay every bill...
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V. Obviously, inside the telegram, obviously there were really few words, obviously, it was a telegram, so very few words, it was just a telegram, hurting words, fast words, like daggers words, poisoned words, bold words you wouldn’t say in front of your mama, obviously, it was too expensive to write more words, obviously, it was just a telegram, obviously, you didn’t need more words to describe, obviously, you got no money to spend, obviously it was just a telegram, and me, I am just a speachless guy, you got no time to spend, obviously, you wrote a telegram to me, obviously, oh no, some painful words,
some ugly words, some bold ones, obviously, it was a telegram, obviously, you didn’t tell me what to do, you just suggested to, you got no time to spend, you got no time to lie, no time to be beautiful, obviously, it was nothing but a telegram, some blood drops, some self declared useless words, obviously you got no money to spend, obviously it is a telegram, cheap words and expensive thoughts, obviously, inside I just found words like daggers, fast words, poisoned words, you got no time to be nice, nor to be polite...
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The telegram
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Old fashioned and lost, only sometimes
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VI. Out of time, out of this rainy world, out of this sunny morning, out of you, out of my mind, out of beauty, out of whispers and shouts, out of pure lighned stairs, out of the dark, just out from all we know, out from what we see, what we hear, what we taste and touch, out from this rainy world, like an alien, like an alien on his way home, pretending to be, pretending to sleep, pretending to forget that I am here, pretending to fly, to fly through cosmic dust, fly through stones and fire, pretending I am not me, pretending I am waking up from my dreams, pretending I will like this rainy world, this sunny morning, pretending I won’t look for anything more, pretending I am blaming, pretending to keep me jailed,
out of time, out of this rainy world, out of time, like an old fashioned clock on someone else’s pocket, out of collective mind, out of my mind, out of breathless nights, out of everyone’s pain, from everyone’s happiness, who does care, oh, yes, I know, I just keep on coming back, I just keep on trying to understand, I wish I could play the guitar, maybe that way I could forget, forget, forget, to be forgotten, out of your memories, out of your pictures, out of this rainy world, feel the rain I have painted, feel the sun I have drawn, listen to the lessons I have written, and listen to the music I have played...
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VII. It’s deep inside, deep inside, all those reasons why, all those reasons why I used to walk up and down the streets, and stop in front of the ocean, and every evening, evening by evening, look at the ocean, time runs (as solarixx says), yes, it marks our faces deeply, and hurts our souls deeper and deeper... but there’s always a little piece of innocence inside, I think we call it hope, there was a reason why, there was a reason for me to smile, reason for me to cry, there was no one to understand, no one to share each evening, when each evening, when each evening of my young days, I was reaching for it, reaching for that breeze, reaching for a chocolate and vanilla like smell, when each evening on my youth, and built bridges over the ocean, time runs (as solarixx says),
yes, it marks our faces deeply, and hurts our souls deeper and deeper... but there’s always a little piece of innocence inside, I think we call it hope, built bridges over the ocean, but they were paper bridges, they were so weak, no one taught me, hey you, no one told me to use stone, cement and steel, so al my bridges where in vain built, each one of them, all of them fell down over the ocean, time runs (as solarixx says),
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Bridges over the Ocean (as time runs-solarixx) I.
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Bridges over the Ocean (as time runs-solarixx) II.
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VIII. yes, it marks our faces deeply, and hurts our souls deeper and deeper... but there’s always a little piece of innocence inside, I think we call it hope, bridges over the ocean, someday they won’t be in vain built, someday, and I am patient, and pigheaded, I got determination, and I learn fast, all my fallen bridges, they will be restored, they’ll cross the ocean, time runs (as solarixx says), yes, it marks our faces deeply, and hurts our souls deeper and deeper... but there’s always a little piece of innocence inside, I think we call it hope, it’s deep inside, deep inside, every reason why, every question I asked to the ocean, every evening I walked to the ocean, and looked at it, and reached for chocolate and vanilla smell,
and built paper bridges over the ocean, weak to stand, weak to resist my footprints, time runs (as solarixx says), yes, it marks our faces deeply, and hurts our souls deeper and deeper... but there’s always a little piece of innocence inside, I think we call it hope, this is the main reason, to open up my eyes, and keep on building bridges over the ocean...
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IX. Last night I thought, I don’t want a polished mirror at home, I don’t want to look at my face, you see, it is the way I see it, the way the mirror talks to me, scary, scary as Hell, the way the mirror says to me: you’re a coward, you won’t move a finger to fight, you’re a coward, I wonder if I am, I wonder if I am just seeing an illusion, if I get lost I don’t know where to go, if I get lost I don’t know where to call, so, I wonder if I am seeing an illusion, so, I don’t want a polished mirror at home, so I can’t see my reflected face, so the days will be gone one by one, so I won’t feel the need of thinking too much, I won’t hear the voice from my reflection, coward, you’re running again, you, coward, or is it just me, punishing myself for every missed step, missed,
last day, you know, I thought about missing steps, I couldn’t find any, no missing steps, but steps, walked steps, those steps we chose, those steps we walked, but they make me feel old, older than I really am, they make my soul older than my face, that’s how I se it on the mirror, older than my face, blaming me, calling me coward, old, really old, let’s say about ten years older than I am, still strong enough, last night I travelled further than I wanted to, maybe I just had too much rhum, trying to forget all those pretty young years, trying to forget what the mirror showed to me, trying to forget my doubts, steps that I didn’t walk, thought steps, imaginary steps, like walking everynight, on every dream, steps I never walked, yes, maybe it was the rhum I drank, but I don’t want more mirrors at home, I know that far, I don’t want more repentance, last night I broke every mirror I found... 19
Mirrors around
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Have you seen me there?
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X. I used to play, on every place I used to play, mornings where much brighter, but I didn’t mind, the streets were full of doubts, people was nicer, they seemed so, one by one I looked at them, I digged into their lives, I found I was so small, I found I was so small, and I looked at them, I looked at everyone of them, and found that they were all different, and the same, I didn’t understand, I didn’t mind, I used to play, on those places I used to play before, there was no more snow on the ground, nor on the trees, it was not a Christmas postcard, someone came and took off the snow, but he didn’t take off that hope, it was brighter before, much brighter, but I didn’t mind, it was a different time, I didn’t close my eyes, I never learnt how to,
it was not a Christmas postcard, someone came and took off the snow, but he didn’t take off that hope, it was brighter before, much brighter, but I didn’t mind, it was a different time, I didn’t close my eyes, I never learnt how to, I didn’t want to miss a single detail, I walked on the streets, I whistled songs people couldn’t hear, I couldn’t see anyone holding my hand, so I kept on walking, always walking, I used to play, on every place I used to play, days were much warmer than they are, but I didn’t mind, I looked at the faces of people, I thought I was ten again, discovering the world for the first time again, the streets were full of doubts, I couldn’t see them ith the eyes of a child, I can tell I can be whenever I want to, wherever I want to, so I thought I should go back in time, go to that place, to the place I used to play, were mornings were much brighter, and days much warmer, to find the moment everything changed...
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XI. I never listened to those who said, to those who said that I was the number one, the number one of what, I said, the number one of what, thanks god I have a second calendar, a second calendar without dates or moths, a second calendar to keep both feet on the ground, I never listened to those who said that I am the number one, the number one of what I said, and the only time I did, I fell down and broke both legs so I couldn’t walk, it was painful, I mean, it was as painful as humiliating, I couldn’t walk, I couldn’t run, number one of what I said, and the only time I listened to them... I never listened to those ones who said, who said I am the very best, the best man they had ever seen, the most fucking great artist, the greatest man they had ever met, I never listened to them, and the only time I did,
and the only time I did, the only second time I did, it almost broke my soul, you know, it broke my soul in million pieces I am still gathering from the ground, the only second time I did, I remember I cried for years, I think I am still crying from time to time, it was as humilating as painful as well, I couldn’t wake up from bed, everyone seemed an enemy I had to run away from, I am still running from time to time, I told you, it broke my soul in million pieces... I never listened to those ones who said, to those ones who said that I was the number one, the best guy, the number one of what, thanks god now I got a second calendar, with no numbers, with no dates or days, so I will keep both feet on the ground, and if you see me listening to them again, please, shoot me, I don’t want to suffer again... 25
Shoot me, please
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The truth is strange
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XII. The truth is strange, ‘cause only when you feel lost, you can tell it without fear, ‘cause only when your name seems forgotten, you don’t fear to face the truth, ‘cause when you’re sitting on the loneliness of your room, you hold your head, and repeat it like a mantra, a painful one digging into your brain, devoring your life, truth is strange, strange like losing time on games people play, silly as making love without a condom and feeling safe, strange as hurting yourself and feeling pleasure, the truth, some kind of angel-evil we don’t want to touch, and in the end, our final lover, our last lover who will kiss our cheek, and sell us for twenty silver coins, the lover that will crucifixe us while she dances naked in front of our drooling faces, the lover you welcome by night, on the loneliness of your empty bed, that leaves you alone when she gets what she needs,
the truth is strange, it can save you from yourself, but there’s a price you have always to pay, the truth makes you feel free, only ‘til the next time, ‘cause everyone of us got a second, a third, a fourth time, she’s like an animal, a nightmare animal, living in shadows, waiting for the night to come, and eat directly from your soul, to torture when you’re almost dead, she hits and hits and hits the jail of your soul, and pushes your back against the fire, and kicks you ‘til you’re bleeding of shame, the truth is strange, strange as fucking on a bed of ice, strange as kissing your dead lips...
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XIII. The fool, his foolish things, his foolish toys, he had to leave them on the closet, and close the door, the fool, all his foolish toys, all his foolish days, he had to throw them to the river of oblivion, to the river that never returns, he had to empty his bag on a dump, a dump he found on the loneliest place of the world, a place called past, the moments passed so fast, the moments, all those moments that begin with the morning and end with the moonlight, they ran too fast, the fool pulled off flesh and bone, he had a cold shower of guilt, then he was done, then he could walk again, the fool took his old foolish toys, his old foolish clothes, he took them all, and gave them fire, fire and acid, acid and hate, hate and fire, he gave them fire, and then blame them, and they looked at him,
and they still look at him, from the ashes and the pain, from the distant dump called past, the fool, he spitted up some blood over them, all around was grey and dead, all around his room was flesh and blood, the battle was almost won, so he came back home, so he came back home, and he felt like stoned... Now the fool keeps on waiting, the fool keeps on searching, the fool tries to sleep, and he won’t sleep at all, the fool tries to walk, but he is so tired, he won’t walk at all, the fool tries to smile, but the blood on his face is coagulated, so he won’t smile at all, the fool, his foolish things, his foolish toys, his foolish world, he had to leave it on the closet, on a dump called past, and he felt down, and he felt empty, and he felt broken...
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The dump called past
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Tower of lies
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XIV. Yes, of course I got to understand it, there’s no way back from Hell, nor from Glory paths, when you’re feeling alone, you can’t see how easy all you got is gone, this time I remember, all those lost nights, all those spent days, all those empty words I said, they say I said, empty words, they may think I’m silly in the Heart, they may think I don’t know what I need, my jeans and a t-shirt, my boots and clean socks, I don’t need anything else to run away from the past, you know, every word I spoke was a little lie, a little lie after the other, so I could make you smile, and feel like loved, and now you feel like a dead pale girl, alone and betrayed, do you want to know where am I? well I will tell you, I am listening to my neighboors speak, and guess what?
they’re not so different from me, I’m going to the church and speak to the priest, salvation is not so far, and after all, there’s no way back from Hell, nor from Glory paths, when you’re feeling alone, I will try to remember I am just a lier, I will try to remember that I’m not brave at Heart, I will try to remember I am not fair, nor clever, I am just a four years old boy, trying to read between the lines, but too silly to understand, that salvation shouldn’t be so far, that there’s no way back from Hell, nor from Glory paths, you better run away from me, I have built a tower of lies so our neighboors can talk about us...
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XV. I was alone since the day, since the day it started, since the day came and said hello, I was alone since the day came and said hello, is it me? I think you need to travel, travel and find an empty chair, it was me, of course, I didn’t wait a minute, nor a single second, I didn’t see the morning light and my suitcase was done, so I was feeling alone, and all I had to do was to travel, it’s okay I said, it’s okay, I will take the first train to wherever it goes, I will travel wherever it may go, I made some jokes with the passengers there, I made some jokes and yawn, the train was late, of course, the train was late but to travel seemed to be the best solution, I was alone, but not so alone, when I sat on an empty chair, I didn’t ask about the destination, it wasn’t a crime, I know I like surprises,
so the train was crowded, it seemed that many lonely people were trying to go somewhere we didn’t know, there we were, trying to change that odd nostalgic book,trying to go ahead, it was half past nine in the morning, and the train began to move, it was a warm June day, I couldn’t hear fate sobbing, I had shoes to clean, I had clothes to wash up, I didn’t pay attention to fate, saw some snow flakes through the window, touching the grass, touching the train, touching our way, and I thought it was a beautiful thing to see, and take some pictures so I could show them all to you, you would like them, looked at people there, and they all were taking pictures, and they all were smiling, that was good, you know, the day we ran from loneliness was a great day, until we noticed that we still need it from time to time, you know... 33
I will take the first train to wherever it goes
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The sound of water (this hidden fear)
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XVI. The sound of water, the sound of rivers, the sound of the sea, and the furious ocean, the sound of rain,
there’s a loneliness, shared with the sound of water, coming by night, leaving me every morning, a loneliness that comes with the sound of water, the sound of flowing rivers, the sound of the sea, and the furious ocean,
the rain, sharing our days, the rain, sharing our nights, there’s an unmentionable feeling of fear, the rain, each time I hear the sound of water coming by, just the rain, there’s an unmentionable feeling of fear, creating water shadows on the windshield of my each rainy night, car, while writing on the wall, I am not driving too fast, when I see my distorted face on the window, and tonight, my watershadow on the windshield of my car, I am going to meet the sound of water, and it always comes with the sound of water, seaguls bite my skin, the sound of water that never comes alone, there’s a loneliness, the sound of water, there’s a loneliness that comes by night, changing the world around us... with the sound of water, while writting messages on the wall, with the sound of water, with the sound of breaking waves, with the sound of cold raindrops on the window, drawing shadows of me, watercolours, watersounds, there’s a loneliness,
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XVII. Here you got the only thing we got, time, time is time, the murderer and healer, time, here you got the only thing we got, time, when everything seems to get lost, we got time to waste, the las time I cried it was late by night, it was a bitter cry, I looked at time’s face, and saw oblivion, and saw injustice, and saw death, and saw loneliness, and shame, and hate, and revenge, the last time I cried, I was watching at the TV, the screen spread reality on my room, and I looked at time’s face, and behind these tears of comprehension, I found the essence of human being, I felt safe behind the screen, flooded by sadness, but safe behind the screen, time’s face is cruel in its honesty, I saw murder, I saw a world without music, a world without dignity, I saw the fundament of human being,
here you got the only thing we got, time, when everything else sees to get lost, we just got time to waste, and then, when we want it to run, to waste and forget, just then, it walks slowly, because time is time, and we’re time’s parent, and we’re time’s slaves, here you got the only thing we got, time, time as murderer, time’s a healer, and maybe tomorrow, I will be able to see the healer side of time, when everything seems to get lost, we still got time, I think I am not strong enogh to look at time’s face again, I better switch off the TV, I am tired of time, I should stop complaining, I should begin changing the timeline, the las time I cried it was late by night, it was a bitter cry, I looked at time’s face, and saw oblivion, and saw injustice, and saw death, and saw loneliness, and shame, and hate, and revenge, the last time I cried, I was watching at the TV... 37
Last night I looked at time’s face
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The time paradox
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XVIII. We just don’t have any chance, we just take a look from the distance, then depending on what we see, we fly or we fall, we rise or we kneel, on rusted blood, we just don’t have any chance, come with me, by the window, we will try to feel free from here, come with me, don’t you see, we just don’t have any chance, but looking through the window, looking through the screen of our lifes, come with me, all we got to do is been said, is been written somewhere, but the view is nice from here, isn’t it?
come with me, I’ll show you another foggy place, it is called past, we’re suppossed to try to learn from that place, and there it is, how could we learn anything? almost the whole place seems foggy, but the view is nice from here, the past, made of memories, deliberately hidden sometimes, and later forgotten, we got almost no way to learn from the past, we try and try, but no matter how many time we waste looking through this window of life, we got almost no chance to learn, when we deliberately hide chapters from our past, we lose whatever we should learn,
come with me, come with me, can you see that blurred horizon? here I am, by the window, well it is our days to come, of course, I want you to see the paradox of time, our future is hidden to our eyes, come with me, to the only precious place, but it exists, here by the window, it is there, as we are here, it is called now, somewhere under the fog, it is the place where I forget about shame and and it comes slowly, apocalypse, as we go sleep, we just don’t have any chance, we just don’t have any chance, any chance but to close our eyes, just keep on waiting, to turn back, just keep on looking through the window of life, to forget about time windows...
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XIX. If my hand’s bleeding, if my hand is bleeding, what can I do, I don’t know if the blood in my hand is mine, I don’t know if this blood is mine, I don’t remember I hurt, I do remember I hurt so many people before, maybe this blood is yours, or yours, or yours, maybe this blood is mine, but I don’t feel any pain, any pain, if my hand’s bleeding, what can I do if my hand’s bleeding, maybe this blood is still warm, maybe my body is not weak, and maybe this blood is not mine, I could stay here for years, talk to you, and you and you, and maybe, I could tell you my hands are bleeding, but I don’t know whose blood is it anyway, I don’t know, if my hand’s bleeding, if my hand’s bleeding, it could be your blood, if my hand’s bleeding,
I can tell you I love licking it, I love licking it, and read a book after feeding myself, if my hand’s bleeding, you shouldnt worry, it’s my only problem, my only pleasure, my little treasure, I wonder if I would lose all my blood, but I still don’t know if it is my blood, if my hand’s bleeding, will you come and hold my hand, I will sing sad stories for you, I will become a singer, a poet, and will sing sad stories for you, some ballads for you to cry, and while playing guitar, I will wonder, if my hand’s bleeding, if my hand’s bleeding, is it my blood or is it yours, it doesn’t hurt me anyway, it doesn’t hurt me anyway, ‘cause I am sitting on the center of my world, and the walls are high to climb, there I will play my ballads fr you to cry, and maybe I will be smiling deep inside...
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If my hand’s bleeding
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Ghosts from the Past
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XX. I am waiting, the one who shines, the one who holds with his broken arms, and it hurts, and hurts, the one who holds, in his weakness, he holds, and at your door, at your door, your father waits, he waits, he’s not there, but you can hear him breathing, your father waits, and by night, when silence has come, by night, when silence has covered your head, the light shines on the corridor, and you can’t sleep at all, but no one’s there, I am waiting, the one who shines, the one who holds with his broken arms, and at your door, your mother tells you faerie stories, she tells you stories, she’s not there, but you can hear her breathing,
and at your door, your mother tells you faerie stories, she tells you stories, she’s not there, but you can hear her breathing, your mather waits, and by night, when the moon shines high above, when the full moon lights the corridor, and you can’t sleep, but no one’s there, your father and your mother wait by the door, but they’re not there, they’re are night shadows, and your fear, your whole fears, are shadows of nothing at all, the Country of mysteries is not your Country, and your family is indeed, your family, and they are waiting, they’re waiting, they’re just ghosts, they came and they wait, I am waiting, the one who shines, the one who holds odd words, with his broken arms, and it hurts, they hold, and your father waits, and he will come tomorrow night, and the day after tomorrow he will come back, and your mother waits, and she will wait tomorrow, and will come back the day after tomorrow, ghosts from the past... 44
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18 The Watchers Are Being Watched