Full
EE F R F UF
Contains muppets
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l sib sen of
ST
ULT TIMES CHULT HULT C H CHUL H Cult
IX Price £2.50
almost a
1/4
past insanity
6
Issue 1 Summer 2010
LE V E MO LUSPI ORT
C EX
RE
??? Just what is it about Pete ???
Processed pea anyone?
LETTERS CARTOONCHARACTERS HORRORSCOPES CHULTCROSSWORD SURREALSTORIES
Evil flyin g
G!! N NI ildish R WA ns ch OUR ai t UM n H o C LT tly 18+ U AD tric
fork with
ant on it
sb ac k
S
I’M HAVING A NUMBER 2
FEATURING Ste Shight
CHULT.co.uk EM creative Media
C
2010
The CHULT Post
THE MOLE OF CHEZZA COLE CRINKLEY CHESTNUTS AND LOADS MORE
1 . No
NEW T DUC PRO CH N LAU
Britains
manufacturer
It seems from this glossy mag we’ve been missing out on a fortune...
of shit
WE’RE GOING INTO THE BEAUTY BUSINESS
START PRODUCTION ON THE SHIT FACE CREAM
? Yes Sir, would that be age defying, youth preserving, anti-rinkle or anti-ageing, with SFP or antioxidant or...
IMMEDIATELY! Minutes later in the SHIT Marketing Department of the SHIT Factory
Shit face cream hugh!
What about: Lack of nutrients to your skin can cause upto 90% premature ageing. ONLY SHIT FACE CREAM contains a unique blend of natural deposits to nourish youth back in to ageing skin.
WHATEVER, GET THE MARKETING DEPARTMENT ON TO IT, NOW!
Sounds good!
Great, may be include some before and after picture too.
Before
After
Estimated
Results with Shit Face Cream Not forgetting some scientific words and abbreviations, iclude as tested by ASFW (who knows or cares that means A Shit Factory Worker). A BIUS must have product always sounds good too. (Buy If U Stupid... that is!).
Later the product is presented to Pee Watermelon
And finally celebrity endorsement, a famous face to smear shit all over their face will surely make sales rocket.
It seems the dude’s obsessed with lady chav mags.
Sir we have the product and the campaign ready for launch we just need your approval.
Sure, but first. Do u remember the 1st time u made love to a woman with short hair?
No, I’m sorry sir I don’t recall.
Hmm no eh. OK let’s see what you got!
BUT WAIT A MINUTE WHAT’S THIS?
Girls, since I discovered SHIT face cream I feel and look amazing.
Now that’s what I call good shit!
You too deserve SHIT
Chezza’s secret is SHIT Kirsty Allstrop! Sir?
Sir it’s the advertising campaign, celebrity endorsement.
Pee opens his bottom drawer to access his collection of’meat’ mags
I can see that! Replace her with Kirsty Allstrop!
You heard what I said, now close the door on your way out!
SHHLLUURRP! Imagine that!! Kirsty Allstrop smearing MY Shit all over her lovely face!
Yeah baby! ?~# I
meat magazine
Pig Pork
Kirsty Allstrop
EM copyright 2010
E V I S U L EXCinterview
3 Sisters salon
If you had to shag one of the Top Gear presenters which one would you do? Hmmm
Arrr
I’m telling you, fasten your seatbelt baby, 0-60 in 20 seconds, they don’t cum much quicker than me!
It will have to wait I’m just going to build a Spitfire Mk1a... Limited edition!
Did i forget to say Maserati?
Chult copyright 2010
Christ these stiletto heals are killing me... But the pain is ooooo so pleasurable! .................... Ouch, ahhh that’s good!
I’d do James May. James may actually be worth the wait. He may be inclined to bring his toys into the bedroom, battery powered toys especially welcome! I’d do James May... ....Only if I had to!
Story continues in the CHULT Publication. Be sure to get yours!...
Arrr EM
MONEY SAVING SEXPERT.COCK MY ARSE
3 THINGS YOU DIDN’T KNOW 1. Buying baked beans for 50p instead of 65p will save you 15p 2. COMPANIES WANT YOUR MONEY 3. Your stupidity is making me rich, rich, rich I tell you, but I don’t thank you because loyalty doesn’t pay! £££ raking it in £££ raking it in £££ raking it in £££
Versus the CHULT Common Sense Guru
Just 1 thing you should know
1. MONEY SAVING SEXPERT.COCK MY ARSE IS A COMPANY & COMPANIES WANT YOUR MONEY
If you bake your own bread instead of buying it you save on supermarket shopping bills. Recipe on my site, bake at gas mark 7 for 6 hours..
£ $
££ KERCHING ££ That’s £10,000 to me from the Gas Company
CHULT Common Sense Guru To save on the cost of bread, don’t buy it, make it or eat it. Simple saving!
Shop around online for the best insurance deal.
££ KERCHING ££ 5 grand to me from comparison websites
£ $
CHULT Common Sense Guru
This kids dress wont fit my big toe, you fucking fat person racist pig you. There are laws you know, I’m getting you done for discrimination!
£ $
Save on car insurance by not owning a car! Walk you lazy good for nothing fucker!!
CHULT Common Sense Guru
When buying new clothes, squeeze into children’s sizes. There is no VAT on kids clothes, saving you money..
If you already have clothes why buy new ones? “Fashion is unfashionable!”
££ Kerching ££ from Kutey Kids clothing importers
chult.co.uk copyright 2010
SAVE ££ POUNDS ££
With The Money Crash
DIET
Now with all that money I’ve saved you, go and buy my book for more money saving advice. May as well milk the fat market as well as the stupid market.
CHULT Common Sense Guru
£ $
If you are obese with bad eye sight you may have an excuse for buying the book. Anyone else tempted may want to assess their gullibility levels.
Hmm.. Could it be? The Easily Influenced Market is the only market for Money saving sexpert.cock my arse.
EM
.
NB: If you are wondering where the sexpert.cock my arse bit came from, well it made u look dinnit!
E MOL SIVET
L U OR EXC REP
The MOLEas
Of Chezza w Cole Insider reports on the private life of the nations favourite Chezza
Chezza’s Mam makes a visit... This week Chezza's Mam made a visit to Chezza’s place and Chezza's like “Mam will you stop dusting, I've got a fucking duster to do that” and Chezza’s Mam is like “Well you need a new one, get yourself some polish too, kids these days they don’t know what housework is”. “For fucks sake Mam” Chezza’s says. “I’m not talking about a fucking old rag, my duster is Mulada and she comes round once a week”. Chezza wasn’t in such a good mood and had been having a go at her Mam all morning. Her Mam says “You know what our Chezza, I know you’ve been having a bad time of it lately with the divorce and everything it must be hard, but you don’t need to take it out on me you know”. “I know Mam, but you’re just getting on my fucking nerves”.
“You know what you need Chezza love, you need to get laid you do”. “You know what Mam you might be fucking right, I might just need a fucking shag, but who the fuck is going to shag me?” Chezza gets upset and starts to cry.. Chezza's Mam puts a reasuring arm around her. “Now then our Chezza you’re no oil painting and there have been times I must admit when I thought you'd been hit with the ugly stick but there's someone for everyone, come on we'll check out online dating I've had a few shags from “Plenty of dicks to date dot com”. And with that they go online. Sitting at the computer Chezza’s like “Mam this dick here look, eeeuuuk I can't do pink shirts”. “That's not a shirt love it's a condom”. “Mam there’s a dick here and his dog, now I know pets look like their owners but I don't know which is the fucking animal”. “But you like animals, why not message him, look he's got an estate car too”. “Mam if I wanted to shag a fucking car I'd hang around the car parks and get meself off on Autotrader.. I want a fucking man, a real man that doesn't wear pink and look like his fucking dog”. “Now our Chezza, you really can't afford to be fussy, look that dick seems your sort, go on send him a message”. “Mam will you look at his fucking wallpaper”. “For Gods sake our Chezza you're not going to be shagging his wallpaper”. And with that Chezza gets upset again. “Now now love don't cry” says Chezza’s Mam and goes to make a brew. Chezza has a bit of a cry.. ‘Look’ says her Mam returning with a brew “Let's forget about finding a dick for now, what about 'Plenty of pulsating pussy.com'.. Editor intervention - “Wow wow wow..stop right there Mole.. is this bit true? We at Chult know you have a strange habbit of sidetracking into fantasy, this story is taking a familiar direction. Why is it every story you tell ends up about lesbians. It's not true, stick to the facts please”... Ok, ok.. so I can get carried away sometimes. The story ended when Chezza's Mam said 'Now come on love don't cry we'll go and get us some chips and mushy peas then spend the night seeing who can fart the fucking loudest”. And they both left for the chippy. See my ending would have been better.
Horrorscopes ARIES
AQUARIUS
PISCES
Today you will get something in the post. You have waited for it and are excited but it comes with a deadly virus don’t open it.
You will have to much alcohol and wake up in bed having shagged a minger. Nothing new there then but this will be a ginger minger.
Avoid cakes this week as a nasty surprise awaits you. A fly got there before you, take a bite & you’re sure to see a maggot inside.
Be aware when entering into a building with the letter S on it. Someone will hold the door for you then let it go in your face. smack. O dear!
GEMINI
CANCER
LEO
VIRGO
Tonight when you sleep you will dream of ice cream. The ice cream is melting, if it melts before you wake up - you will wake up a crazy person & will be sectioned.
Take care when in a tall building you are likely to get stuck in the lift with Tim Smith. Your patients will be tested. Remember murder is a crime.
An old friend re-appears with a hidden agenda. They hold a grudge, don’t turn your back they are sure to get out that axe. Ouch!
You are thinking about change. Warning: act on impulse & you will live to regret it, become homeless with cider & the park bench your only friends.
LIBRA Just when you thought things were going well. Someone with the letter J will put a spell on you and you will be paranoid all day. Shame.
TAURUS
SCORPIO SAGITTARIUS CAPRICORN An overdue appointment at the dentist. But beware he gets carried away & removes 3 teeth by mistake then lies & says they were bad anyway.
You take public transport & sit next to a person who smells of cheese crisps. It makes you feel sick & you vomit on him so he punches you. .
Be careful there is a spider that lurks. When you are sleeping it will crawl into your bed and lay its eggs in your skin. Be sure to sleep well.
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ACROSS CLUES 1. When you go to the toilet you may have a big one. 2. JLS are a bunch of _ _ _ _ _. 3. Men like to suck on a ladies _ _ _. 4. Anagram of SHIT. 5. Each individual member of JLS is a _ _ _ _. 6. There is a nipple on the end of one. 7. Green light means. 8. Men generally like to fuck _ _ _ _ _. 9. Another word for sitting, ie: She _ _ _ _ on his face. 10. Expulsion of gass from the anus (plural). 11. Pow! Wham! Boff! 12. Ball sack or ball _ _ _. 13. Shaggable. 14. Rhyms with sad but is quite the opposite. 15. Old. 16. Shagging on the floor can cause a carpet burn to your _ _ _ _. 17. 2 (addressee). 18. Opposite to out. 19. Common misspelling of the word too 20. It comes on the cob 21. Not a number 1 but a number 2 22. _ _ _ pussy! slang for consuming a ladies tasty bit.
CHULTword
21
DOWN CLUES 1. Another word for fuck. 2. Computer job abbreviation “I work in _ _.“ 3. If he’s not a fucking knob he’s a fucking _ _ _ (also a body part). 4. More than one of the above (a female has two). 5. A verb; 1st and 19th letters of the alphabet. 6. Palindromic word that describes one of the two lumps on a ladies chest. 7. The Osborne dogs would _ _ _ _ all over the house. 8. If you don’t know who JLS are, Richard Madeley is also one. 9. Isle of Man host the _ _ Races. 10. “Feck _ _ _ _!“ Father Jack quote. 11. Sheep _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ (people in Wales). 12. Ste _ _ _ _ _ and his Big Shit Show (Chuld character). 13. Short for Football Association. 14. If you don’t know who JLS and Richard Madeley are Piers Morgan is also one. 15. Rather large. 16. A yellow fruit commonly used as a sex aid (not a lemon). 17. It’s funny to _ _ _ _ in a lift 18. Either you do or you _ _ _ _. 19. If he’s not a knob or a cock, he’s probably a _ _ _ _ swinger. 20. It’s simple the answer is Yes or _ _. 21. Anagram of the answer above. 22. Short for Religious Education. 23. It can slip out accidently so you pop it back _ _.
POUND SHOP
£1 Product Tester
C CH o C nsu ULT or m ne e r r
Worth a quid or not? TESTED AND REVIEWED BY JAZ LAD
Clothes pegs 100 for 100 pence. At 1p per peg surely a BARGAIN! or NOT!! Most of us use pegs for one thing or another. Some of us even use them to peg clothes on a washing line. These pegs were purchased to do just that. Dirty underwear needs to be washed and at CHULT we are firm believers of hanging your dirty washing out in public. So on to the product test. What a pile of fucking shit. They all fell apart, every single one of them ended up on the floor in pieces. I couldn’t hang me undies & socks out and had to put them on wet which gave me a fucking nasty rash, bastard shit pegs. Waste of a fucking quid that’s what I say.
£1 Sweeping up brush. A BARGAIN! or NOT!! What can I say, again a pile of fucking shit. What can go wrong with a brush you might ask. Apart from the handle falling off which did but that wasn’t the first problem. Having broken clothes pegs all over the fucking floor I got my new £1 brush out to sweep them up. Then something fucking weird happened, no matter how many times I tried to sweep them up the pegs just didn’t fucking move. WTF. Fucking useless Fucking scarey man. After 3 hours of trying to sweep the product pegs up with a brush that I thought was from the fucking Nice magic shop I realised the problem was because the bristles archwork were arched in the middle, so the brush was missing them. A fucking joke brush that should be for sale in a fucking joke shop. Waste of a fucking quid I say.
That brush works, damn you, you fool, the next product you design that works and you’re fired.
Yes boss! Now get some scissors and cut the bristles into arches to make them useless.
Yes boss!
CHULT copyright 2010
You understand, they buy shit then they buy better which is supplied by our better product department, we sell twice as much.
Damn you're almost as stupid as those westerners who buy this shit.
Yes boss!
EM creative Media clopyright 2010
Yes boss! After cutting those bristles you work on the paint that never dries. You got that!
Spot the CHULT difference Test your eyesight and your observational skills.
?? IS IT THE EYES ??
Fasten your seatbelt baby they don’t cum much quicker than me!....
C H U L T S H A G G E R S U F U C C That brush works, damn you you fool. The next K product you design that works and you’re fired! C I A R S E Yes boss! Yes.. I’m a tosser
Chult
Watch out someone with G will axe you to de
Can you spot all 15? ?? IS IT THE SMILE ??
Fasten your seatbelt baby they don’t come much quicker than me!....
C H U L T S H A G G I N G E F U C T That brush works, damn you you fool. The next L product you design that works and you’re hired! A I D S E Fuck off! Yes.. I’m a tosser
Chult
For solution see solutions page
CHULT.CO.UK
Watch out someone with G will axe you to de
How did you do?
DISGUISE YOURSELF AS A TURD Ey up Sara, watch you don’t stand in that big shit!...
Realistic Odour
Phew it smells too, better walk this way round.
BECOME INVISIBLE for just £199
ORDER NOW CHULT product range “The choice of smart people”
EVER SEEN A PILE OF SHIT AND WONDERED WHO WAS INSIDE IT? NO? EXACTLY WHY THE SHIT SPY SUIT IS FOOLPROOF!
CHULT PRODUCT RANGE - THE CHOICE OF SMART PEOPLE
BB B Big or
or
BB or B Boobs
Bum
Boobs Buttocks or Bird t?s Bird Buttocks Breas
O MY!
Is the silhouette: Boobs, Buttocks or Bird? Solution on solutions page
Bumvisimore proud to sponsor the CHULT BB&B puzzle
For girls with
big bums
re
Bu
s i v m im o
“Big bum doesn’t have to mean big knickers Less is more with Bumvisimore” Advertise in CHULT Ok, so we made the Bumvisimore advert up, A good product though you must agree! Let us advertise yours as effectively. Contact us NOW advertising@chult.co.uk chult.co.uk all rights reserved 2010
Subscribe chult.co.uk
Celebrity CHULT
It is said that a man with a small penis is compensated in other departments. A big personality for example, or a big heart.
Steven Merchant
DB
O MY GOD! Get Nick Park on the phone, my fucking nose has fell off! Suspicions Were confirmed that Steven Merchant is a Nick Park character creation, when he was papped having lost his plastercine nose.
If however, they lack personality & have no heart they will make it their business to have a big bank balance. But this guy just has a big eye!
Dr. Dr.
So you you say you’ve So you’velost lost12 severe 12 stone stone in inweight, weight,you youhave have severe abdominal pain From abdominal painand andare arenauseous. nauseous. all your it’s an obvious From allsymptoms your symptoms it’s an case of Athletes I shall prescribe a obvious case foot, of Athletes foot, I shall cream to rub into your face 3 times a prescribe a cream to rub into your day. That should solve your problem. face 3 times a day. That
#@$** WIERDO!! I ONLY CAME IN FOR A CROW BAR! LIGHTING
PLUMBING
PATIO
That sounds about right. For a fookin nonse Dr!
EM
It’s never wise to ask a chav if he wants decking.
Where’s Willy?
Find Willy and enter our PRIZE ’ in m COMPETITION um c s He’ oon! WIN, WIN, WIN s A years free subscription to CHULT
Prize competitions only available in the Can you find him? He’s hiding on a page of this comazine! printed edition CHULT
The CHULT comic book style serial story Talk show host
2010
Dashing debonair with a good head of hair Who looked something like this
Some years later
WILL BE MINE I’LL JUST FINISH THIS CAN, FIRST!
Year
wummaging in wubbish bins on Wimbledon Common
EM
year year
2010
2025
From a
oa t n a m y n u p n o i l l a t s e l p r pu
2025
I’m tired of buying shit, I’ve only used that haircomb cheese grater combi once. I can have anything that money can buy.. Hmmm let’s see.. I want a cock the size of a horses, get me one, yes I’ll have a cock transplant, in fact get me the body to go with it, with wings.. O and I think purple. Cosmetic surgery capabilities in the year 2025