The Spoke - Spring 2010 by The Spoke

LEARNLINK PROSTITUTION RING

WAS GANDHI ANOREXIC?

Newspoke Spring 2010

THE MANY FACES OF EMORY (CRUDELY PORTRAYED)

Letter from the Editor Dooley is the worst. I’ll try to sum up why, but I’m not sure I have enough space. First, Dooley is the worst because he encourages people to be unbearably cocky assholes. He does this simply by being a skeleton, which makes uncreative, uninteresting people think they are involved in something unique. When people come to Emory, one of the first things they hear is, “our mascot is a skeleton named Dooley.” This statement is immediately followed by a pile of douche-baggery which goes something like this: “Well actually he’s not the mascot, this dumb eagle is, but he’s the unofficial mascot which is way cooler than a regular old mascot. Also, he’s like a skeleton which is completely unique, I mean, how many mascots do you know of that are skeletons?!? I guess the students at Emory are just really a notch above regular people who only have living, official mascots.” A note on skeletons: nothing is good about them. Remember that kid in elementary school that threw temper tantrums until the 5th grade and always had nose-bleeds? Now remember what he dressed as for Halloween: a skeleton. Skeletons are the worst costume, the only redeeming factor they have is that some of them glow in the dark, a skill Dooley does not possess. They’re not strong, they’re not scary, they’re not wise and they don’t have any interesting powers. The only notable comment is that they’re dead, a quality which ghosts and zombies both possess, without sucking mind you. The only redeeming quality Dooley has is Dooley’s week, the one week of the year where Emory has anything close to resembling school spirit. And although during your tenure at Emory Dooley might get around to letting you out of one class ten minutes early after your professor has approved it, I don’t think that act is enough to make up for the rest of his suckage. Well, that’s my last rant, as of May I’m off to the real world of unemployment. I’ve enjoyed getting your fan mail and hate mail, although the hate mail was always more entertaining. Remember: join as many organizations as possible, don’t share your notes with anyone even if the class isn’t curved, realize that you will graduate here more racist than when you got here, and obsess about the fact that you almost went to a really good college. Thanks Spoke readers and burners, I’ve loved every minute of it!

Robin Higgins, Editor-in-Chief

“Shoot for the moon. Even if you miss you’ll land among the stars” -Guy that knows nothing about the layout of space p.s. If you ever thought I was rude, vulgar, insensitive, or out of bounds, wait until the next editor takes over.

Legal

The Spoke is a production of Emory University Students. Copyright 2010 by the Emory Spoke, all rights reserved, blah blah blah. Please don’t steal our shit. The Spoke is paid for using the Student Activity Fee and published (usually) once per semester. The views expressed in The Spoke do not reflect the views of Emory University, so you can direct your bitchy emails to spoke@emory.edu instead of losing your shit over it.

Newspoke Editor-in-Chief:

Robin “Dumbledore” Higgins

Managing Editors:

Yesenia “Nacho” Mares Ted “Tits McGee” Gillespie

Section Editors:

Martin “Tin-Man” Krafft Anum “A-Rod” Mohammad

Assistant Editors:

Ruben “El Diable Blanco” Diaz Jareen “In yo’ Face” Imam Victoria “Banana” Jiang Noah “Ron Weasley” Levy Ben “Hot Chips” Warshaw

Writers:

Lindsay Macbeth, Rebecca Wang, Alicia Brandewie, Urania Dagalakis, Matt Asher, Roshani Chokshi, David Cao, Maxine Anderson, Nick Van Laan, Justin Clayton, Gabriel Nahmias

New spoke Mayhem 4-5

Rogue Chemistry TA Starts Drug Ring Health Class Reform Dalai Lama Rejected from KA

Wireless 6-7

Cartoonists: Jenna Mittman Amadu Barrie

Models:

Ryan Mustain, Alice Chen, The guys on the fifth floor Clairmont Towers, Daanesh Ibrahim Morgan Cichon, Dylan Holte, Jonny Yung, Katie Love, Tasha Posid, Lauren McDonough, Jon Drucker, Professor McCauley, Caroline Bonardi

Special Thanks To: Kappa Sig Hugo Christi Dr. Adame

Printed at the Printing Doctor TM The Emory Spoke c 2009

I.T. Nightmare Social Norms, Who Needs ‘Em?

Another Article for the iPhone Cult Ignore that Text!

Social Groups 17-19

Faculty Advisor:

Ryan “Skip” Garibaldi

Classes 15-16

Campus Life 8-10

Cheap Jokes at Synergy’s Expense So Much Sex, So Little Time Sexual Confusion

Special 11-14 The Celebrities of Emory:

One of them knows someone from Top Chef!

Bitches Hoes Refs Idiots

Organizations 20-21 Artists are Poor Paladin Sucks

Throwaways 22-23 Something with Gandhi The Spoke Sucks

Dr. Adame Puts New Spin on Student Health

Sketchy TA Involved in Drug Scandal

A chemistry TA, Norman Bailor, was arrested last week during a drug raid that left two dead, five wounded, and countless more tripping balls. Bailor had Chem 141 students working around the clock in lab to help him produce Quaaludes and other equally obscure but still illegal drugs. Only after home-schooled virgin Wallace Smith received a low grade on a lab report and conductetd some extensive research with Colombian day laborers at his local Home Depot, did he realize that something was wrong. Smith reported to the police immediately, who initially thought Smith was just a nerd that had gotten a bad grade. Further police investigation revealed, however, that Bailor had not only been distributing drugs to unwitting middle school students, but had also been giving extra credit to students who were willing to take out hits on other local drug dealers. The head of the chemistry department issued a statement saying that “I will not address the validity of claims that our department was producing drugs, but if we were, I am sure they were of the highest quality and encourage you to buy them.” As the Emory community mourns the dead, police are beginning to uncover a scam of catastrophic proportions, possibly involving the following: English TAs, Zaya workers who grew pot in the ‘herb garden,’ Canadian drug cartels, and President Wagner. The effect this will have on future university chemistry grants is unclear, but several members of the chemistry faculty have come out in support of using illegal drugs to supplement their spending.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Thanks to recent changes in the health curriculum including a masturbation safety demonstration, a lecture on when it is proper to beat one’s spouse and when it is not, and a romantic night with your mother just to prove that he’s still got game, Dr. Daniel Adame is now being hailed as a pioneer in the field of public health. The well-loved old man has been teaching PE Health 101 for God knows how long, and recently decided that it was time for a change in the curriculum. Many believe that his new liberal teaching style, which emphasizes application more than theory, will make Emory students stop and think before they fuck the shit out of a drunk freshman. For starters, Adame has completely re-done the drug and alcohol portion of the curriculum. He has always said that his goal was to help students make responsible decisions about what substances they put in their bodies. Well, what better way to be responsible than to give them first hand experience with drugs? During one week of lecture, students are given ten drugs, and are told to ingest them using one of the dimensions of Adame’s patented Three S Method: Smoke, Snort, Swallow. They are then told to report their experiences and describe their willingness to try the drug again. Little do the students know that the drugs are strategically paired with the method of ingestion that will produce the least amount of pleasure and thus usually end up doing something like snorting beer or smoking Adderall. A recent study has confirmed that drug use on campus has fallen 60% since the implementation of the new curriculum.

In order to give students a better understanding of the reality of mood disorders, A significant change has also been made to the mental health portion of PE. For the first half of the semester, the TAs go out of their way to make the students feel like shit. Tactics for this include belittling students who make dumb comments during lab, creating questions on the midterm that are completely unrelated to the study guide, and punching students in the face. The purpose of this chastisement is to simulate depression, and many students lose the motivation to get out of bed as a result. For the second half of the semester, however, the TA’ pump the students up using extreme methods like adding PCP to the DUC food, blasting speed metal during lecture, and asking students to punch them in the face. Most of the students involved succesfully experience mania as a result. Once Adame feels that the students have an accurate understanding of the two extremes, he has a Three S session on weed to help everyone chill the fuck out. The implementation of these groundbreaking techniques has earned Adame a big thumbs up from public health scholars everywhere. Furthermore, the exemption test for PE 101 is no longer administered, simply because everyone now wants to take health. More revisions to the curriculum are likely to come, such as a test in which those who fail to put on a condom correctly must watch Adame put one on himself. Students and faculty agree that everyone is now luckier than ever to have a semester with Dr. Adame.

Dr. Adame presents the essentials for a safe and enjoyable sex session.

Dalai Lama Rejected from KA, Rushes Kappa Sig Instead another rushie said. His beer pong skills impressed them, until they decided he was cheating via divine intervention. The cannon could have ruined him; His message of tolerance made all their necks flare a little redder when he reprimanded them for having their cannon pointed north (APhiA is conveniently directly north of the Kappa Alpha Mansion). Even the portrait of General Lee seemed to be giving him dirty looks until it came out that he is against abortions and homosexuals. “He’s a southern gentleman with upstanding morals,” commented one brother wearing a confederate flag tee shirt. But, when it came down to it, one thing prevented him from becoming a brother: there were no signs of a confederate uniform small enough to fit him for their Old South formal.

The Dalai Lama introduces President Tom Quigley of Kappa Sig along with fellow brothers (multicultural might we add) who remain awestruck at being his chosen ones.

The Mission His Holiness the Dalai Lama felt out of touch with the Emory Bubble. He meditated on his dilemma for some time on the 4th floor of the stacks. The best route to the undergraduate experience came to him in a vision: he should join a fraternity. But which one? AEPi, ZBT, and The Fraternity That Must Not Be Named (also known as APES) were all considered, as Jews and Tibetans share a kindred bond of exile. Alas though they didn’t survive the first round because “They were just too damn Japy.” Problems continued when Lama realized that he was too arthritic for the jockery of Sig Nu or Sig Chi or the walk to reach Pike and Chi Phi off campus. PiKapp, and Sig Ep? “Phsssht. I want to be part of the fraternity, not have the fraternity be a part of me.” Lama stated. He didn’t have enough pastels in his wardrobe to fit in at SAE. The weed at PhiDelt was not strong enough to help him ascertain any more enlightenment and the shit at Beta brought him too much. The Journey to KA Then he found the sign from above: Scarlet and Old Gold. Obviously this union was ordained by a higher power, brought

Settling on Kappa Sig With a strong sense of defeat, his Holiness wandered around the Quad, contemplating his purpose at the small liberal arts school. What is the point of being a honorary professor if no student wants to suck up to him or suck him in the case of sorority girls? As he “ohm”ed away his miseries, he watched as six Sig Chi pledges shamelessly attacked a Kap Sig for saying hello. And that was when he realized if he was going to truly attain a state of nirvana, he needed to bring justice for frat row’s ‘lil bros. Lama had

together by destiny, and the blessing of a red toga and yellow undershirt. The Dalai Lama decided Kappa Sig was the target. What did KA have to say about this? “Well he’s a little dark,” one of the fabled racist brothers said, “but he has great taste in whisky and bow ties.” So they didn’t cut him in the first round. “We are all about Emory’s diversity thing,” a junior commented (last count revealed they had two kids from north of the Mason-DIxon Line, a Jew, and rumor has it there Lama giving props to his Kappa Sig “Big” during bro time at the house. might be an Asian brother). “The keg to intervene in the parking war with Beta. stand was a bad idea. That toga fell right He had to stop boundary battles with SAE. down. Scrawny old guy thigh everywhere. Most importantly, he had to end his dry And half the beer got wasted cause it was spell; he had to be OK hooking up with ugly just so hard to tell which end of him was girls. And so, he finally decided on Kappa which in all those folds. But it was ok, he Sigma. After all, they’re the only ones that was wearing camouflage tighty whities,” mix with Gamma Phi Beta sorority.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

iPhone Apps For Your Real Everyday Needs Who said Emory didn’t produce innovative tachnology? From sex to spliffs, these apps maximize your college experience while preserving your reputation.

The Sex Calculator: Remember the time you were so drunk that you were willing to hook up with every girl in your visual proximity but wasn’t sure who to pursue? No longer will you need to mentally mull over your drunken decisions; The Sex Calculator app will do it for you!

Input:

-Her hotness: 0-10 -Your own hotness Try to be as honest as you can. That tequila shot might make you think you’re an 8, but maybe you’re probably just a 6

vance and get some drunken make out. She probably won’t come back to your place, though, citing work or a sick girlfriend as reasons to bounce. -50-75%: At Emory, 50% is like 100%. Go for it. What better way to get over being bummed about your B- than making out with a random stranger who is looking to get over a mediocre test as well? We’re all in the same boat here.

-The number of drinks you’ve downed that night -Your fraternity, if applicable: Sig Chi gets 20 points; Kappa Sig gets 3; ATOs give themselves 25, unfairly. -Her sorority, if applicable. This does not matter as much as your fraternity input, as all sororities add 10 points. (TriDelts are 13 points, though). -Input her student organization information, if applicable. The Wheel, CC, and SGA are all mi nus 5 points. -Input her academic year: Freshmen get 30 points.

-0-15%: Don’t count on it. She’s too hot for you or she just thinks she’s too hot for you and is probably from New York. -15-35%: Throw some more alcohol in there and maybe… Otherwise, there’s some awkward chick standing like a loser by the pong table, you could probably distract her and yield some results. -35-50%: You could make an awkward ad-

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Sometimes it’s too risky to chance asking a random sketchy looking guy off the street about where to buy some good weed, so use this tried-and-true app to snuff out the best of the best.

-75-90%: Making googly eyes across the room all night means both of you are interested, and now’s the time to grab an empty corner and start sucking face. She doesn’t care if you make out in front of half the

-The number of drinks she’s downed that night

Once you input all of these factors, shake your iPhone like you’re jacking it and wait for your percentage of sex potential:

iDeal:

freshman class, so you shouldn’t care either. -90-100%: Not only can you suck face now, but you can take her back and do freaky shit to her while your roommate’s sleeping in the lofted bed next to yours. She’ll talk about it later, but you will too, so you can’t really judge her. Disclaimer: We know it can be hard to figure out all this information, especially when you’re drunk. You just need to focus. You’ll thank us when you’re fondling the perfect breasts of some Tri Delt you otherwise wouldn’t have talked to.

Say yes to i-Deal in order to have the most pleasant drug experience possible. It has a GPS system to locate the nearest drug dealers. It will give you local reviews, prices, and percent chance of being brought to court for talking to said dealer. i-Deal also comes with a police alarm buzzer to let you know if it’s time to head to the back door or fire escape. College is all about finding yourself, and the wonderful thing about this app is that it helps customers choose a drug most fitting to their personality, ethnic and religious background, as well as sexual preference. Think how much better the world would be if Hitler had i-Deal to get him some pot, or if George W. had taken Aderrall instead of coke. Choose i-Deal for a safer, more fulfilling drug-consuming experience. The world depends on it. Besides, New Yorkers, what else are you going to do with your parents’ money?

Thou Shall Not Text The lengths the government will go to prevent you from: “K g2g l8r”

If you don’t text, you’re a loser. This was other ways can we rid ourselves of liberestablished during a sociology study that als?” According to Republican representafound that those who did not text were tive Rich Whitmal, “One hundred million also most likely to have not a single friend. people died last year because they were Society has examined the potential harms texting while having sexual relations. This of texting and, as with all fun activities is an epidemic and it needs to be stopped (smoking weed, being naked now!” He first proposed in public, etc.), is beginning banning sex altogether, but to limit our freedom. A naeventually agreed to the tionally debated movement “...I really need to compromise ban on texting to ban texting during certain get this chick to during intercourse. activities has begun. The only bipartisan Oprah, with the same stop texting me.” supporter of the bill, Demopassion she holds for addcratic representative Gayle ing fictitious books posing as Black, had this to say when memoirs to her “Book Club,” -Democratic Representaasked why she voted for has launched an ad campaign tive Gayle Black on why the bill, “Normally, I would to make people stop texting she supports of the bill never vote for something while driving. As usual the against texting that infringes on the rights Georgia legislature has taken of the homosexual comtheir cue from Oprah, taken munity, but I really need to it one step further, and has banned texting get this chick I met at a bar to stop texting during the following activities: driving, me. She’s a total stalker. Women—you let walking, bicycling, drinking, being gay, them buy you one Cosmo and suddenly sex, eating, taking a dump, talking on the they make you feel like you owe them. phone, and sleeping. The legislature’s rea- Sometimes I think it would just be easier if soning behind the ban varies from paternal- I went hetero.” ism to courtesy to, “We thought, in what On a local level, the Emory com-

Emory iGoggles:

This simple app will bring you back to the real world. Download Emory iGoggles to gage how a good-looking Emory student holds up outside the bubble. To use the app, hold your phone up as if you were taking a photo, and see what the Emory 10 looks like in the real world. Average result: 6.5-7. And you know, gender-wise, that goes both ways. Just saying.

The dangers of texting and driving. On second thought, deers do carry the ticks that carry Lyme disease, so it might not be terrible to take one for the team.

Stupidity: part of the reason why texting and walking is now prohibited munity has garnered support from both the faculty and the student body with the founding of the “Emory United Against Texting While Doing Other Things Because it is Both Dangerous and Rude Association” or E.U.A.T.W.D.O.T.B.B.D.R.A. for short. One affiliated student recants how while walking to class one day while texting she was clotheslined by the statue of Dooley. Ironically, she blamed texting rather than that stupid sculpture. Another allied student, enrolled in Goizetta Business School, recalls that he was once mauled by a bear while texting in the woods. He blames texting for the attack that has left him physically crippled. When asked why he considers texting to be responsible, rather than the bear, he said, “Well I can’t sue a bear now can I… can I?” Emory itself has straddled the issue. Officially the University is lauding the law as “an important step in the fight against terrorism.” However, in practice the EPD has been advised to “turn a blind eye” just as they’ve been advised to do so with underage drinking, student/faculty relationships, campus food regulations, and a percentage of calls they get from the blue-light stations.” The real victim of this new legislation is the online group Texts From Last Night. Since the passing of this bill the website’s traffic has almost vanished. It turns out texting while drinking had a lot to do with it.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Image by Amadu Barrie

Synergy: Without A Cause Another sensless student organization no one cares about but its members. What is Synergy? The basis for its existence is as mystifying as the steam plant between the sorority lodges and Dooley’s (okay freshmen, Zaya’s). When it bizarrely emerged out of nowhere with promises of school happiness and cohesiveness, we knew something was up. Whatever the case, the Spoke figured it was founded by students who wanted something, anything, on their resumes. We were right. Here are some examples of Synergy’s completely pointless endeavors: • When having a pleasant meal at the DUC, you are affronted by a somewhat creepy persona with a smile reserved for the clown from the movie It. Not only do they tell you how pathetic you look without a smile on your face, but they sit down at your table without an invitation. You may want to make an excuse and bounce or you may want to reserve some good karma and sit through a boring plethora of small talk. Either way, you’ve lost the chance to refuel, and now you’ll starve through your next two classes…without smiling. • On a not-so-Wonderful Wednesday, you find yourself running late for an exam with no choice but to shove through the masses on Asbury Circle. Suddenly, you’re blindsided by some overly enthusiastic person who’s coming at you at an unavoidably fast pace with a sign and a hug, a scene you quickly recognize as your idea of Hell.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Everyone’s watching, including the girl or guy you’re trying to impress, so you can’t fight the attack. Reluctantly, you take the awkward embrace, which is the embodiment of fondling your sibling. Sure, we recognize that there must be someone somewhere at some point in time that looks forward to these ‘happy’ encounters. We just have yet to find them. Of course there are some times that even we at the Spoke could use a laugh, but it is during these instances, Synergy just ends

up being the epic fail you knew they were. Here’s an example: • Midterms have you down, your significant other just broke up with you, your parents are cutting you off—all examples of when you could use a free hug or a pseudo-friend to have a pity conversation with. Well, don’t look for Synergy. Hell, they canceled free hug day because it looked like it might rain today, which comprises about 2/3 of the year in Atlanta. Sorry Emory, no free hugs for you on this dark, somber day. So, what can you do during the 90% of time you want to avoid Synergy? How can you protect yourself? Unlike the unhelpful people at the Woodruff reference desks, here are some actually helpful Spoke tips on how to successfully avoid these disillusioned bringers of happiness (who likely are the same ones that work at the reference desks): 1. Walk with a partner or in a group whenever possible 2. Avoid eye contact 3. Start a coughing fit as you approach the hazardous area 4. Fake a smile (maybe if you already look happy, they’ll think you won’t need their guidance) 5. Avoid poorly lit areas 6. Know where you are and be aware of your surroundings 7. Use the safety escort service by calling 404-727-PARK 8. If all else fails, just run!

Useful Facts About Synergy’s Uselessness Our students know what makes them happy: booze and T-shirts. Synergy provides neither. Therefore, when Synergy was somehow chartered as a legitimate organization in 2007 (we think prostitution may have been involved), we at the Spoke were naturally skeptical. We have arduously monitored the ambiance around campus for the past three years and have gotten some not-so-surprising results:

Freshman Takes on Sexual Challenge* Three months ago, James Somerset, a current freshman at Emory, pledged to bang a girl from all seven continents before the end of the year. No one is sure why he is doing this. Every frat on campus says he won’t get a bid whether he succeeds or not, and his friends will probably still think he’s a pussy. Regardless of his motives, James has managed to visit every continent in the last three months, with a less-than-impressive rate of success. Having already struck out with every attractive American girl at Emory, James decided to pursue his North American lay in Canada. He found a hot girl at a bar in Vancouver, but was turned away by her boyfriend when he attempted to spit game. Frustrated, he put a depressant in the boyfriend’s drink. James didn’t realize, however, that he had just drugged the Marty Brodieur, goalie for the Canadian men’s Olympic hockey team. No Canadian women ever looked at him again after that night, so he decided to try his luck elsewhere. He flew into South America with high hopes and met a mamacita at the airport in Argentina. In his hotel room, he attempted to set the mood by reading her a poem he had memorized by Gabriel García Márquez. She was nearly DTF, but he confused the verb volar, which means “to fly” with the verb violar, which means “to rape.” It’s anybody’s mistake, really. Needless to say, he went to sleep alone that night. James then set his sight on Asia, beginning with a Korean girl that he knew from his calculus class. The two flirted with each other for hours, and James attempted to seal the deal with a slight variation on the SNL “dick in a box” trick. He cut a whole

in a Chinese food delivery box, inserted himself, and walked up to her claiming that it was time for the main course. Excited, she opened the box and forcefully jabbed her chopsticks inside before she could see what it was. Even if she hadn’t immediately lost interest, James was unable to get it up for the rest of the day anyway. He then confirmed with his friends that the Middle East counted as Asia, and made a move on two attractive Iranian girls that he met in Cox Hall. The first girl turned him down after he told her that she’d ‘hijacked his heart.’

The second girl actually responded positively to his advances, but after hours of fooling around he was unable to find the zipper on her burka. By the time he reached Europe, he decided to just pay for sex, so he went to the Netherlands. Unfortunately for him,

Do your bum

a favor,

the prostitutes were on strike for better health benefits. James’s most recent journey was a tour of the South Pacific, including visits to Australia and Antarctica. He made a pretty good impression on many of the girls in the Austrailian Outback and was sure that he’d ended his dry spell when he brought one back to his room in Sydney. After they had gotten naked, she suggested that they try some role playing. She assigned James the role of Steve Irwin, and when he asked who she would be, she shocked him with a tazer and replied that she was a stingray. His trip to Antarctica was equally unsuccessful, partly due to the fact that there were no girls within 500 mile radius. With only a few months left in the semester, James has yet to get his D wet even once. And yet, despite his blatant failure, he has caught the attention of many important groups on campus. Econ majors are now investing in hand lotion and tissues on the assumption that James will feel extremely lonely when he fails the challenge. The sociology department, however, is concerned. They fear that the broader implications of James’s failure are that, in general, Emory students aren’t being prepared to make a good impression on the international community. Finally, the Dean of the College of Arts and Sciences is beginning to wonder if teaching health is even necessary if Emory students can’t get laid in the real world. *Warning: This article contains a full quota of the Spoke’s racist jokes. It is recommended that it be read in portions to prevent the outbreak of ethnic violence.

Unplug it.

Reduce anal bead hospital visits 25% by 2015. Newspoke, Spring 2010

Homophobic Frat Rush Turns into Gayest thing Ever

In an attempt to prove they are the manliest fraternity at Emory and not homosexual in any way, the brothers of Pi Kappa Alpha (PIKE), the most homophobic fraternity ever, had its pledges perform a modified circle jerk while watching a chick flick. With rush over, the bromance between current brothers and new pledges was taken to a new extreme. “I don’t get why everyone’s freaking out,” said PIKE brother Phil Sum Wang. “We treated our new bros like always: forcing them to drink a daily gallon of gin, going shoe shopping and having our pledges walk around the house with nothing on but a banana hammock, You know, manly shit.” While some brothers felt the current initiation was lacking a defining masculine touch, there is a purpose to these rituals. This year, the PIKE Dikes experimented with the idea of promoting unity through cinema. New pledges watched the Sex and the City movie, while simultane-

ously performing a Double Dutch Rudder with another rush member. For those of you who don’t know already, The Double Dutch Rudder involves facing another man, placing your hand on the other’s arm and making a circular motion so he can masturbate. The other person reciprocates the motion so both people masturbate simultaneously. (This is not a joke! visit www. urbandictionary.com) The first pledge who cums has to drink valuable offerings from the chosen big bro. The brothers claim this act was nothing more than their way of proving their masculinity. “Nah dude, it’s not gay at all,” said PIKE brother Tim ‘Tea Bagger’ Peterson. “We grab the other bro’s arm to feel his awesome pythons and show how tough we are by forcing him to jerk off. It’s bonding for me and my new brah. I’m not touching his cock so it’s not gay…It’s not!” And what about watching a definite chick flick while jerking off? According to pledge Dave “Donkey Puncher” Cox:

“Dude, there’s mad titties in this flick! Plus it’s got Cynthia Nixon, that firecrotch lesbian. Lesbians are so hot brah!” Other pledges weighed in on why Sex & the City is a masculine film. “Carrie gets her Manolo Blahnik shoes,” says Fred “The Mad Felcher”. “Anything Jay-Z talks about is definitely baller status.” Matt ‘Devil’s Threeway’ Johnson, PIKE’s Rush Chair says the initiation went much better than expected. “I thought a couple of the pledges would wuss out. Every pledge quickly ran to the big screen, dropped their pants and proved how manly he was. I’m so proud of them. Not one Peter Puffer in the group.” With the test going so well, the newest members are looking forward to next year when they try to top this event, by adding sports. “Us bros want to pull off something even more manly next year,” said Brad ‘Sexual’ Dong. “I think we’ll have the pledges strip naked, play Twister while us bros paint pictures of the game.”

Famous Emoroids Whether they are alumni or are somehow vaguely tied to Emory, these high-achievers have kept Emory on the map. And by map we mean pathetic attempt to pretend we will one day be an Ivy.

The Indigo Girls

They’re famous, they’re timeless, they’re lesbians, and they’re Emory alums. What more could you ask from your ideal celeb Emoroids? These indie musicians span quite the extensive fan base and have been doing so since before you knew whether you like girls and/or boys. The Indigo Girls are also the only alums to properly thank Emory by directly including it in their Billboard Hot 100 (well, number 52), chart topping hit, “Closer To Fine.” “I spent four years prostrate to the higher mind, got my paper/ And I was free.” Take that, Harvard. Now, what kind of worthy alums would they be without some earth-shattering, attention-grabbing activism? Amy Ray and Emily Saliers have been hardcore LGBTQ activ-

ists (who isn’t nowadays), serving as icons of the movement. Though an exact sociological study hasn’t been conducted, we think they may the ones who unknowingly made being gay trendy. In true Emory style, their activism also includes speaking up for the environment and being green, which is probably why the Emory Sustainability Initiative plays their music as an opening for their sessions. With all of their Emory-like habits it’s a wonder they don’t call themselves the “Blue and Gold” Girls (yeah, that joke just happened). When you are referenced by Tina Fey and Alec Baldwin, make a duet with Pink, and win a Grammy, we’ll be sure to also worship the ground you walk on. For now, all we can say is: You rock, Indigo Girls.

Kenneth Cole

Scott Budnick

Pike Dike Pledges partake in a celebratory round of merriment after the Double Dutch Rudder/ Sex and the City unity event.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

This Emory alumnus is an executive producer of the The Hangover. If that’s not enough for you, he’s won a Golden Globe for roofie jokes and Mohammed Ali’s tiger in a bathroom. That is, a GOLDEN GLOBE and a TIGER. If you need more than that to confirm his worthiness as one of Emory’s celebs, then stop reading this magazine immediately. We don’t like you.

What do you get when you drop out of Emory? You get to become Kenneth Cole. Abandoning his family’s shoe business, this native New Yorker of the Jewish faith came to Emory (wait, I’ve heard this one before) with the intent to study law. Whether he liked shoes much more than he liked Emory or if the Emory shoe just didn’t quite fit (pun intended) remains unclear, but he returned to New York to become one of the fashion world’s foremost designers. Since facing probably the most epic “I told you so” from his family, Kenneth Cole has repeatedly been on Forbes’ annual list of Best 200 Small Companies in America. His fashion line and accessories span the globe, while making some of us grateful that he didn’t stay at Emory to become a lawyer. In addition, he is a leading celebrity advocate on the fight against AIDS and do-

nates a pretty penny towards the cause. See B-school kids, you can have a soul and still be a highly successful entrepreneur. For Emory, Kenneth Cole has done what Emory expects from any it’s famous affiliates: give us a heap of money and come speak at sporadic functions to keep us feeling important. Cole even established a Kenneth Cole Fellowship at Emory to rebuild destitute communities some years ago. The fellowship was discontinued in more recent years—we think he forgot to fund it partially due to Emory’s lack of concern for its mostly nonexistent arts program. Whether you like his shoes, his cologne or his scandalous ads, you can claim him as one of your own, Emory. A lot of money, a cause, and because he’s one of the few famous names you are guaranteed to recognize are the reasons why Kenneth Cole is one of the Spoke’s Emory celebs.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Semi-Famous Emoroids Who Keep Your Tuition High

Salman Rushdie

Newt Gingrich

Jimmy Carter

‘Ah-nold’

Andy Wilson

Pasta John

When Knight Bachelor Rushdie isn’t busy rejecting the Spoke’s blatant attempts to use Emory’s connections to meet famous people, he’s probably either banging a chick hotter than any you’ll ever see, writing something better than anything you’ll ever read, or dodging assassination attempts in a way that can only be described as badass. Sir Rushdie has been able to transform one of the most boring forms of existence (academia) into something worth writing about in US Weekly. Though we here at the Spoke still hold a distinct grudge against Mr. Rushdie for denying our interview request, it is impossible to deny how completely awesome Salman Rushdie’s life is. You might be thinking to yourself, “That squirrelly little guy? What’s so cool about him?” And we applaud you for your skepticism. But here it is: Mr. Rushdie used to regularly bone Padma Lakshmi. If you don’t know who that is, Google that shit right now. We’re waiting... Did you find the Carl’s Jr. commercial? Yeah, she’s a ten. Even though she left him for some other guy and her own Top Chef career, we here at the Spoke applaud Sir Rushdie for this great achievement in the history of smart, weird guys fucking extremely hot women. He also won some awards for writing books and stuff, which we hear is hard to do.

Newt Gingrich is Emory’s most famous alumni named after a salamander. His time at Emory was, “before it was nationally known, but was a very good regional school,” meaning, much like you, Newt couldn’t get into Duke. Mr. Gingrich is best remembered for leading the “Republican Revolution” of 1994, preserving the long-standing Republican tradition of cutting the budget when a Democrat is President. This movement was set back slightly when he implied that being forced to sit in the back of Air Force One was his sole motivation for a government shutdown that cost about $800 million, making all of us here at Emory quite proud. Soon after, he carried out an extramarital affair with his future third wife all while overseeing, you guessed it, Bill Clinton’s impeachment hearings about Monica Lewinski. Other than the occasional interview with Emory Magazine, Mr. Gingrich has had little to do with Emory in the recent years. Given the trend toward antiintellectualism within some members of the Conservative movement, it might seem appropriate that Mr. Gingrich would work to distance himself with a university so closely associated with East-coast liberal elitism (with a nicer climate!) This does, however, give us the right to call him an asshole for not building a new library or something.

Jimmy Carter was the 39th President of the United States. If you go to Emory and don’t know that by now, you should seriously consider transferring to whatever school Trig Palin will be attending. Though Carter made the wise decision of going to Atlanta’s best university with a football team, he has since chosen to grace our campus with the Carter Center, providing the world with invaluable election monitoring that helps to create political stability and legitimize young democracies internships for seniors who couldn’t find a better job. Naysayers might point out that former President Carter only served in office for one term, however, ol’ cousin Jimmy generally brushes this off humbly by asking, “Hey Fuckface, how many times have you been the leader of the free world?!” President Carter has written several books and won the Nobel Peace Prize in 2002, yet still finds the time to return to Emory every year for his annual speech in the WoodPEC, during which he is surprisingly lucid for an 85-year-old man. Even though he has never fucked the host of Top Chef, we still think he’s basically a good guy. This is mainly because he posed for the cover of the Spoke in 1982 and gave us a signed copy. How many of those does The Wheel have? Probably a few, but fuck them anyway.

Not everyone from a small Austrian village can work their way to starring in Terminator (not to mention T2 and T3) and serving as the Governor of California. It helps if you start weightlifting at age 13. Questions arose when Arnold was chosen as Emory’s graduation speaker. While no one doubts his ability to destroy a badass Cyberdine, Arnold did not become a star because of his rhetorical prowess. This hasn’t stopped him from running the state of California (into the ground), but in terms of presenting a commencement speech, the seniors will be too busy reliving Jingle All the Way to listen to whatever he has to say. Here is the Spoke’s approximation of his speech: (After 20 minutes of inspiring bullshit) “As Emory graduates, you are going to de-terminate, I mean, determine, the future of this country. I want you to Mr. Freeze for a moment, and think about how manly you men are. I’d like to see any of you girly-men try to fight me, because I can take all of you right now. I used to take steroids, but now I don’t, and I can still take all of you right now. I, Arnold, the governator, Conan the Barbarian, the Terminator, and the mute, deaf hitman in Robert Altman’s The Long Goodbye, can take all of you with my awesome biceps. Follow me if you want to live.”

Andy Wilson, the president of Emory’s Residence Life, is like Anakin Skywalker, except not actually famous. He started out as a good guy, but at this point in his career, he has become Darth Vader. The clone Army of the Republic (ResLife), have become storm-troopers (over-achieving ass-kissers). RAs only care about getting the job, getting their housing paid, and getting into med school. They’ll ‘take care’ of freshmen, meaning they’ll call the cops when they’re barely conscious.To become an RA, students are sucked into the role of SA: the University’s unpaid, unlaid, lowly kegs in the massive wheels of bureaucracy that is ResLife. The reason SAs act so damn chipper all the time is that they know that their bosses constantly monitor their “perkiness” levels. In reality they hate the shitty housing and their lives in general (would you willingly do Songfest?). To be fair, though, the entire ResLife organization cannot be universally condemned. To those few RAs and SAs (the Rebel Alliance) who fight against the system by providing a safe partying environment on campus outside a sketchy frat house: we salute you. Andy Wilson may be a heavily-breathing, black suit-of-armor-wearing monster for now, but Darth Vader eventually turned good again, so we’ll see.

You may have seen him at the most recent Emory sporting event, unless like most students, you haven’t been to an Emory sporting event. You may have actually seen him at the most recent frat party and again the next morning when he served you breakfast at the DUC, doing his part to help you nurse that hangover. Pasta John is an Emory tradition, and unlike the rivalry with Wash U, a democratically chosen one. When asked to recount their favorite memories of Emory, most alumni would probably say something about their friends. Since most people have been to frat parties with their friends, these alumni are basically saying that they enjoy spending time at frat parties, with Pasta John. Pasta John is more than just a statistic, though. He is a legend. His name is spoken with a mix of wondrous awe and mystery. People may wonder who Dooley is, but the better question is who is Pasta John? He’s definitely not a senior in the Paladin Society behind a skeleton mask. Who is the man behind the enthusiastic smile and excellent cooking skills? Why does he care about Emory sports so much more than the students? And how does he have the uncanny ability to remember everyone’s name, where they’re from, and their bra size?

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Keri Hilson

Sanjay Gupta

He was designed and sent from God as a tool for Indian parents to make their children feel guilty in 1969. Directly out of high school, he was accepted into a six-year medical school program at the University of Michigan, combining academic excellence with the thriftiness of in-state tuition. After completing his residency in neurological surgery in 2000, he floated around for about three years that were not described on his Wikipedia page, sort of like how the Gospels skip Jesus’ life from ages 12-30. In 2003 he went to Iraq, embedded in a Navy medical unit for CNN, and performed emergency surgery on both U.S. soldiers and Iraqi civilians, pleasing people on both sides of the Iraq war issue. He continued doing medical shit with CNN for a while, including his outing of Michael Moore as a fat, angry blowhard who’s more interested in the success of his own movies than the success of the causes he espouses. Recently, he has revealed the size of his gigantic balls by denying an offer from Obama (at the peak of his popularity) to serve as Surgeon General, deciding instead to focus on his family and career. And remember, if the aunties are on your ass about not being as successful as Sanjay Gupta, just think, that madarchod was so deep in chemistry books he probably didn’t get laid till he was 25.

Keri ‘Miss Keri Baby’ Hilson is a Grammy-nominated singer best known for her hits “Turnin’ Me On” and “Knock You Down.” Her career began at Oxford, at which point she realized she had to leave the shithole and become a professional singer. Keri made it to Emory but didn’t graduate (gasp). Nevertheless, she is wildly successful. From the mean streets of Decatur (I don’t know if these streets were actually mean), Keri went on to record several hits that were considered both a critical and commercial success. Unfortunately for Keri, one of her most successful songs to date features a 5’6” codeine-addled maniac shouting “My ice is albino white / I hope your vagina tight,” which probably prevents her from critically examining her own work within the context of meaningful artwork. Although, it certainly doesn’t matter when you have the whole sex appeal thing going for you, which is cool, I guess. Keri Hilson’s life is right up there with Salman Rushdie in terms of doing awesome shit that most people associated with Emory will never experience, and for that, we give her a third of page 14.

Alben Barkley

What’s that? You have never heard of Alben Barkley? Neither had we, but it turns out he is the only Emory graduate to serve as Vice President of the United States (still no Presidents). He served as Senate majority leader from 1937-1947 where he helped FDR enact some of the most wide-ranging and influential legislation in American history. After the failed attempt of running as President, Barkley ran for the Democratic nomination, lasting a grand total of two days. He then went back to the Senate where he served until his death in 1956. Barkley is also know for instituting his own ‘Wonderful Wednesday,’ during which he would get wasted on grain alcohol and go heckle Congress, occasionally urinating on Representatives from the visitors’ seats. To be completely honest, Barkley is one of the Spoke’s celebs for 2009 because, well, we figured better late than never.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

IT Person Fixes Problem, Professor Unprepared to Teach

Kristian Bush

Emory graduate Kristian Bush is the co-founder of Grammy-winning country music group Sugarland. The group has had seven number one singles in the U.S., and their latest record Love on the Inside reached number one in the U.S. (though was only 74 in Australia). For their single “Stay,” Sugarland won two Grammys for Best Country Song and Best Country Performance by a Duo or Group in Which One Member Wears Jeans at Least 35% of the Time, Excluding Holidays. Unconfirmed rumors point to their next album being a marked departure from their previous albums, containing remixed Lady Gaga songs set to the sounds of indigenous South American drummers, which are then played backwards. The rumored title of the CD is We Got our Grammy: We No Longer Give a Fuck.

there were with the projector in a grochalk. tesquely appropriate fashion, It’s the allowing it to function properly, same pattern and for class to resume without throughout the further delay. school across “He was being capable...I buildings and can’t understand how, or why,” majors except another student commented. music and Students say Professor Doe dance, be- had given his daily sigh because really, fore making the traditional call who consid- to the IT department for the ers them ma- dysfunctional projector. But jors anyway? the technician, no doubt anAnd so, dur- noyed at being bothered from ing the dread- the more pressing concern of ful Thursday Jersey Shore’s newest beehive when they hairdo, obnoxiously fixed the walked into machine. the Art HisWith a full 50 minutes to fill, tory class, the professor proceeded to call A typical day for Professor “Smith” failing in hopes to use the projection screen during class. nobody knew role twice. When students resor needs to get to the proper what to do. mained unresponsive, a bleak When the 12 students of Pro“I just walked in and sat down attempt at ice breaking bescreen. Success! But what’s a fessor John Smith, who refuses visual without audio? (A big like any normal day,” said one gan with one student breaking to be named due to Emory’s susfail- all you into porn know of his female students. “All I down with the scream, “I didn’t piciously shrinking employee exactly what I mean.) Suffer- really wanted to do was change PAY to do this!” size, walked into the classroom ing from an adrenaline surge my blackberry cover, but then,” Observers say that Smith bethat fateful Thursday afternoon, that aside from the day before her voice cracked, “The class, gan to sweat profusely with 30 they expected the prosaic 15 he hadn’t felt for six months, it just...things were being said class minutes left and finally minute rant on the future retar11 days, and five hours (it’s and almost answered. It was dismissed the students and redation of budding generations; been that long since he’s gotten horrifying.” mained huddled in a corner, his back pain, moral discreplaid), the professor gives up and Students reported that a smug shaking an empty syllabus to ancies against this generations relies on the chalkboard. If only IT worker had dared to fiddle an empty classroom. youth, and the ever pondering question, “How do you get this projection screen to work?” We’re all familiar with the time lag between getting seated and getting started. The profesJoin Emory sor, who’s surely ancient and only recently adjusting to the Dance internet, tries to change the computer screen to the projector. A few seconds later, there is blackness. The professor proDiscover ceeds to press buttons in panic. Vagina The females may even shed a tear. In any case, this is when the cock-suckers dutifully yell out instructions. No one dares to actually go up themselves lest they be cast looks more haunting than Jack Nicholson’s in The Shining. Though the attempts are still fruitful, they’re all the confidence the profes-

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Taking the Normal Out of Homework

Dirty Dishes Ruin Three-Year Friendship

A professor gives students the assignment of facing society and telling it to “go to hell”

If you’ve ever wanted to pick your nose on Asbury Circle or sport a thong bikini at the gym, but have always held back because you’re too cool, then now is your chance to break free. There is a way to destroy the social status quo and increase your mediocre GPA, but how can you get in on this action? With a growing number of gradeboosting bullshit GERs (basically anything with “Intro” in it) being offered each year, professors have been experimenting with new ways to humiliate their desperate students in the most creative ways.* The Intro to Archaeology professor had been winning the in-house bet for ‘who can create the most creative and time consuming homework,’ but the assignment was cut when artifacts from the Michael C. Carlos museum began to disappear (apparently the students had been claiming to find South American jewelry in the varous construc-

tion sites around Emory). An Intro to Sociology professor now leads the pack with a social norms project that has his students in situations so strange even Courtney Love and Lady Gaga say, “Whoa.” His assignment is simple: make people think you’re really weird. If someone pours a beer on your head or walks in on your shower, don’t freak out. They’re just doing homework. Think the same of that person who takes that coveted little study lounge on the third floor of Woodruff... even though you left your open laptop, hot cup of coffee, and your jacket hanging on the chair. We were able to find one student, junior Brian Gingrich, to comment on his experience. “Well I’ve always had sporadic impulses to punch random people in the face, but now I can fulfill my inbred desire to stir up mischief without hesitation,” says Gingrich. “So I was on the shuttle ready to

Defied social norm # 527: Blowing your nose on someone

start pole dancing for the morning crowd, when this girl starts coughing like a mo-fo. She hacked up mucus for a few minutes and didn’t even bother to cover her mouth. Suddenly, she stopped, smiled, and started taking notes. Then it hit me: Shit, she was defying a social norm, or she was just really socially defunct. Props, gross coughing girl, props.” After hearing Brian’s perspective, we realized how much easier life would be if there were no social norms. I mean, why wait ten minutes in line for an omelet when you don’t have to—just shout your order and move to the front. But you don’t have to join Intro to Sociology class to improve your life. This is America, damn it! Freedom and shit! So the next time you feel shouting obscenties in Canon Chapel or drinking a liter of Pepsi in Cox Hall, remember: you’re allowed if you say it’s for class.

Defied social norm # 2090: Taking “casual Friday’s” at work to the extreme

A student who is on the run is relentlessly sought after by the entire police force for failing to apologize for not doing the dishes and subsequently yelling hurtful (yet true) remarks about her roommate. The Spoke investigates the psyche of the female catfight and interviews the “other roommate” who witnessed it all. “I’ll do the dishes tomorrow”…or will you? This is the fateful question that is currently haunting College junior Rochelle Stiles, wherever she may be. Stiles has been missing for a week, or maybe two weeks, after a catty fight with her roomate. Tension mounted in a student apartment after far-fetched promises of doing the dishes were delivered and not acted upon for an unspecified amount of time; we are led to believe, though, the dishes had remained unwashed for the unacceptable amount of time of 1.75 days. After confronted with the issue by anal retentive and self-proclaimed neat freak roommate Consuelo Martinez, Stiles evidently acted in a way so terrible and characteristic of a bad roommate that it could be described solely as ‘passive aggressive.’ Reportedly, she simply acquiesced and continued eating her dinner. Martinez gave this account: “I started telling her my problems with her--how she never put the cap on the toothpaste and how her side of the fridge resembled a disaster area...”

“I wanted to stab her, but didn’t really want to deal with the mess it would leave.” *Disclaimer: The Spoke is not recommending you to sit through these highly boring GERs, unless you want to because A) you need to seriously boost your GPA, B) you need to fool your parents into thinking you’re a serious full-time student, or C) you want to meet hot humanities girls.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

-Student Consuelo Martinez talks about the fight with her rommate

The Spoke became really bored at this point at started daydreaming… “...then suddenly she snapped. She told me how she never wears that friendship bracelet I bought her because it’s ugly and fake and how I really do look fat in this dress and how creative writing is the most

pointless major. I wanted to stab her, but didn’t really want to deal with the mess it would leave. After that bitchiness, I had no choice but to get back at her: I told her about the time I slept with her ex...on our couch. That was a good one. She stormed off and I haven’t seen her since. I don’t really know where she could’ve gone. I don’t think she really has any other friends because, let’s be honest, nobody likes someone who never does the dishes.” The other roommate who claims she “didn’t want to get in the way,” but really means she’s a coward who didn’t want to get bitch-slapped, had this to say: “They were yelling, so I put my ear-

phones in (coward) and after a few minutes it suddenly went quiet. I figured they had settled it so I didn’t go out and make sure everything was okay (coward). Then I came out later (because I thought no one was there because I’m a coward), Consuelo was holding a knife with some red stuff on it. At that moment, I knew what had happened and I was appalled—she usually asks me if she needs to use my ketchup.” No one really knows what the purpose of the catfight is, except that it solves absolutely nothing. After the shrilling voices, pointless accusations, dramatic hand gesturing, fake crying, real crying, and really fake crying, nothing is resolved. Catfighting had previously been thought as a way to relay constructive criticism about a friend’s appearance, personality, and habits without having to be nice. Recently, though, it has been proven to effectively end a friendship…or in a fake hug. There is still no official word on the missing roommate’s whereabouts or if she is even alive. No one really even cares until she apologizes. However, Martinez’s current boyfriend claims to be receiving an extraordinary amount of love letters from a “secret admirer,” and all four of her vehicle tires have been slashed since the fight. No accusations have been made as to who is behind these incidents, though Martinez has been going around talking shit about Stiles and spreading rumors that she is a “skank bitch.” The dishes have yet to be done.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

LearnLink Prostitution Ring Foiled:

Plea from an Oxford Continuee: A Letter to Emory

Administration Raises Red Flag Over Campus

Atlanta, GA – The Student Conduct Council announced yesterday the discovery and dismantling of a prostitution ring found on Emory campus. The ring reportedly operated through a LearnLink Conference titled “Job Postings.” One anonymous administrator comments, “Trumpet players can blow for a career, but that’s not what the conference seemed to be advertising.” Last Friday, an undergraduate notified Student Conduct with a complaint of “sexual harrassment”. According to the student, he was mistakenly added to the conference after joking “Wanted: A friend” to Emory’s “Classifieds” conference. A couple of days later, “Job Postings” appeared on his desktop. He was horrified to discover the conference’s double entendre, and proceeded to notify LearnLink administrators immediately, ruining the fun for everyone else. The conference was created in September of last semester, and the names of the participants have yet to be released by the administration. However, CollegeACB. com, a gossip website, is riddled with rumors alleging involvement of numerous College Council and Student Government Association officials. An accusation was also leveled that Dooley was the head pimp

of the organization, provoking a thread of boner and boning jokes. As details on the situation become more available, the campus’ reaction is mixed. President Wagner released the following statement: “Students at our prestigious school should not be willing to pay for sexual encounters when they could go to a fraternity party and take advantage of freshmen.” One Emory senior had a more positive interpretation: “People here are huge sluts anyway, so they might as well put out for money.” Like all good scandals, countless rumors are bound to circulate and will result in someone’s inevitable downfall. The high school-like maturity of Emory’s student body will only intensify the scandal’s fallout. So the question is who was involved and more importantly why? At this point we can only speculate, so let’s. Maybe SPC created the ring in order to supplement their budget. After all, how else could they afford Kevin Nealon, Kid Cudi, and Girl Talk? In terms of the “skank hoes,” business school students are not afraid to sacrifice dignity for pay, inspiring the nickname “Goizueta Guzzlers.” We can only wonder, though, and also level erroneous accusations at hated student groups on campus.

Student Council President caught advertising her wares by Candler Library

Violence Threatens Emory Community: Lazy Refs Demand Socialism

Referee enjoying the fruits of her labor.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

McDonough Field, GA – Emory police officers, intramural refs, and intramural sports players are currently engaged in a tense standoff. “We are tired of being alienated from the product of our labor!” shouted Miriam Hodge, a miniature golf referee. “We will not back down until we receive fair compensation and benefits!” The protestors threaten violence against the Emory community if their demands are not met, but violence may erupt on the field sooner than that. A counterprotest has been gathering strength and challenging the referees’ sit-in on the field. Angry members of Emory’s cup stacking, Quidditch, and tiddlywinks teams, among others, have taken over one end of the field, and the situation threatens to explode at any moment. “Our games must go on by any means possible,” said Oliver Payne, captain of the tiddlywinks team. “If we don’t crack down on

these foolish demands, who knows what could happen next? Socialism.” The situation between the refs and Payne’s counterprotestors nearly got out of control this morning, with insults, rocks, and DUC vegan meals flying across the field. Emory police officers managed to separate the two sides and are currently trying to negotiate with the refs. The conflict may not be resolved anytime soon. As of this morning, the protestors had not relented, and during the night, refs had nailed a list of demands to the door of Glenn Memorial. Emory police confiscated the manifesto immediately, but a referee speaking under condition of anonymity revealed what the demands were in hope that they would be heard by the people. “Snacks,” he said. “Maybe bonuses occasionally in the form of smiles or thanks--not really, though. All we actually want is to have our snacks.”

To the students, faculty, and staff of Emory University: We, the Oxford transfers, have a bone to pick with you main campus conformists. Although none of you may know about the work that we do in Bum Fuck, Georgia, Oxford is actually the quintessential college experience you soulless scrubs have missed out on. We at Oxford embrace the joys of learning. Students at our campus are frequently known to have affairs with professors. Just think about all the learning, both sexual and intellectual, that occurs in such a process. People on main campus may do drugs too, but we at Oxford have taken it to a new level. First of all, our marijuana is of significantly higher quality. This is because we import the plants from the finest gardens of Colombia and grow them on the quad. If you’ve seen the movie Pineapple Express, it’s our pot they were smoking. Also, your main campus traditions can suck my hairy Oxford balls. Main campus Dooley is just a random guy taken off the street. That makes for one socially awkward skeleton. Our Dooley has depth of character. He’s hunched over from all the back-breaking undead sex he’s had with our even more sexually promiscuous freshmen girls. He’s got balls too. He’ll call your ass out-and in poetic prose- for fucking up in his domain. And, the stories we could tell about him. One time, UGA frat boys stole him away, so we formed a secret society to get him back. We not only saved Dooley, but stole their little bulldog

Uga, too. I’d like to see main campus start a prank war with UGA. Oh wait, you guys have made a completely random, rivalry with Wash U to keep yourselves busy. How clever. You probably haven’t heard of The Department, but they’re an Emory student organization that decided to create your trivial rivalry with Wash U by dumping sand on a Dooley statue and pretending Wash U did it. That’s the type desperation that comes from smoking shitty weed. Your social submissiveness has led you to take part in a rivalry that has as much fire as our week old blunts. Also, we put a zebra in the president’s office. A zebra. An African fucking jungle creature. That’s a hell of a lot better than sand. While our academics at Oxford might not be as rigorous, our sociology professors

have done studies and found that being premed is not the most effective guard against blue balls. Sociology students are the one getting their D’s wet and vaginas loose. There’s more to life than good grades and a good job. We at Oxford believe in the value of the college experience for its own sake. After all, how many other times in your life will you have so many opportunities to have sex while doing illegal drugs? We know you suck, but we also know it’s not your fault, main campus. You probably didn’t know about Oxford campus when you applied to Emory. While we may be located in let’s-have-a-good-timeat-Wal-Mart rural Georgia, in the end, we’re the ones that are going to save the world from the douchebags you pump out of the B-school.

An Oxford Continuee looks around hopefully for any sign of friends. Finds none. Makes none.

Common Traits of an Oxford Continuee

1. Score on average 500 points lower on the SATs. 2. Haunted by guilt from constantly lying that they “go to Emory.” 3. Unable to identify the Schwartz Center. 4. Take an extra year to graduate and say it’s because they are part of a distinguished five year program involving economics, PE, and whales. 5. Comprise the 2.7% of the 3% of Emory undergrads that don’t get into the B-school. 6. Will make it a point to mention how conceited Emory people are, how

much better their Dooley is, and how much more awesome they are for putting a Zebra in a building. 7. Hooked up with 74% of their class at Oxford. 8. Make up for lost time by trying to dominate the extra curricular scene at Emory. 9. Have bonfires at Lullwater because they think they’re cool for breaking the rules. 10. Come from the “fake” Emory.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

Visual Arts Budget Cut to Fund Another Shitty Statue on Campus

Jared Rothski, a junior from Emory University, paints on the side of a Fruit Loops cereal box during her art midterm exam. “I would like to be painting on canvas, but I’m saving up my canvas for my senior piece,” Rothski said. Rothski’s change of direction can be attributed to the recent program cuts Emory has administered on its visual arts department in order to fund another shitty statue on campus. “The new statue will be a larger rendition of Dooley yielding a reaper’s scythe in each hand, as though about the strike someone,” said Robert Milford, the Director of Emory’s Public Relations and Aesthetics Department. The estimated cost of the newly-designed statue would be about $154,000 dollars, roughly the cost of 4 years worth of tuition at Emory. So far Emory’s Visual Arts Department has suffered funding cuts, leaving stu-

A visual arts student scrummages in the dumster for anything resembling a canvas.

The student poses before going to a place where only 73% of artists have gone before.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

dents such as Rothski searching for alternative art mediums from expected places like trash receptacles. “Sometimes you can find some really great things,” Jared said holding up a syringe and foam board cut out of a Hawaiian dancer in either hand. “I found these two items behind the Beta House.” The decision for the newer shitty statue came after many students from the Emory community expressed disappointment over the Dooley statue Emory unveiled last year, which only set the university back about $80,000. “We want an adequate interpretation of Dooley,” said Milford. “We want him to look menacing, not enchanting. I mean we are not promoting a Disney movie. This is a college, which translates to a business, plain and simple.” There has been no discussion on whether other programs will endure budget cuts said Levy Pollock, Adviser of Consolatory Budgets at Emory University. Though Film Department Head Damien Cook did say the recent success in Campus Movie Fest for students who made The Gerstein Report might warrant unemployment for

current professors. According to Cook, they don’t want to give students a false sense of hope for success. Instead, “a statue might appease the self-pity everyone’s feeling,” he said. The creative writing program however, was in it for self-interest. “We might cut funds from the Creative Writing department,” said Pollock. “Mainly, we want to take money from places we know are not going to generate any revenues for the University,” she said. Milford, Emory’s director of PR said that there is no reason to fear the budget cuts. “This statue is going to make prospective students think that Emory has a really dark, artistic and edgy vibe to it.” Milford said. “We’ll be able to squeeze some kids from the NYU market, and earn that money back in no time!” Art students like Rothski will have to endure the burden of lack of funding for the time being. “Oh man, I have never been in an art class where the program actually had money,” Rothski said, “But if Emory choose not to cut funds from the art department then I guess I would paint on something more exciting like cardboard or paper.”

Paladin Remains A Shitty Secret, No One Cares

The Washington Post Bestsellers list and semi historically accurate blockbusters have started incorporating secret societies into their plots in hopes of promoting book and movie sales, fear of the unknown, a sense of camaraderie, or just another entity on which to blame problems. With the rising interest of secret societies sprouting throughout the world, one would hope these secret societies would glee at the thought of more positive or negative PR, as a way of promoting their organization, but when the Spoke polled Emory students we discovered that very few people have ever heard of Emory’s Paladin Society. Out of the 52 people the Spoke interviewed only 1 person knew of the Paladin Society, but referred to them as “the club with the Easter Eggs.” However, nearly one hundred percent of people polled either heard of the author Dan Brown or saw the movie The Da Vinci Code. The population’s lack of knowledge is befuddling, but not unexpected said Gertude Wezzer, a critical historian of secret societies in popular culture. “Secret Societies are hot right now. Tons of celebrities like former President Bush and John Kerry have ‘come out’ of their secret society closets,” she said. What Wezzer means to say is that if students are looking to advance their political career while still in their undergraduate studies, they should be groping at the chance for an invitation to a secret society. Williams Acocke a political science student at Emory University is planning to go into politics and said he would love to join a secret society. “I just wish Emory had some, you know?” The Spoke informed Acocke that Emory indeed has four secret societies such as the Paladin Society. In response Acocke asked what the Paladin Society does on campus, but the Spoke was unable to provide an answer. “They’re the ones with the Easter eggs!” said Jenny Marsh, an Emory junior, as she stomped out the dirt from underneath her rain boats. “I remember opening up one of those plastic eggs and reading a history fact about Emory and I thought it was really neat, but then I realized I really didn’t care about Emory history.” Other students polled about Paladin society did not recall the Easter egg history lesson, and claimed Marsh might have been making the incident up.

In order to clear up the confusion on whether the Paladin Society has actually ever contributed to the Emory campus the Spoke thought it would to best to speak to someone affiliated with the Paladin Society. However, the Paladin Society did not have a direct email account on Learnlink, and no one could be reached on their behalf. The Spoke was not able to reach the Paladin Society, but can provide the Emory community a not-so-detailed report on Paladin solely through the etymology of its name. The Spoke has deduced that in order to be inducted into the organization one must have mastered the art of jousting and have memorized all the names of the 12 knights in attendance to Charlemagne. Also, the Paladin Society has memorialized Heath Ledger as a modern day knight with his exceptional performance in A Knight’s Tale, which members watch every Friday night not only in memoriam of

Ledger and to grieve the fact that they were born in the wrong century. The one way to spot a Paladin member is by their refusal to eat at tables that are not round. Nonetheless even the Spoke failed to disclose what the Paladin Society does behind closed doors. But in an exclusive interview with Dan Brown about the material for his next book, he said the society has no significance in anyone’s past, present, or future. “Let’s be real, the Paladin Society is not a worthy subject for a Dan Brown book,” he said. He convinced the Spoke that the world doesn’t care about groups that promote spirit in sex-crazed private institutions; it cares about those that kill in public places like St. Peter’s Square. “People want a show. The day the Paladin Society can deliver one is the day I’ll be interested in it.”

Percentage of Campus Activity

Have You Heard of the Paladin Society? 3%

20%

Yes No Don’t care Confused with the question

70% Newspoke, Spring 2010

New Emory Study Shows Gandhi May Have Had an Eating Disorder An article published in the March 2010 edition of the venerable Journal of Historic Figures- with advance excerpts published in US Weekly- titled “Gandhi: Anorexic?”- has created controversy throughout the world.

“In late 1942 Gandhi began a three-week fast despite already being skinny. Like scary skinny.” -Dr. Dennis Reynolds

The article, written by Emory Professors Dr Dennis Reynolds of the History department and Dr Linda Milford of the Health, Physical Education and Dance department, states that a cursory glance of both Gandhi’s Wikipedia page and the back cover of the DVD Gandhi was more than enough to draw conclusions regarding Gandhi’s possible eating disorder. They classified him as anorexic due to substantial evidence from no one credible. The first symptom that the authors believe Gandhi exhibited was dieting despite already being thin. They point to Gandhi’s famous fasts as evidence. They write, “In late 1942 Gandhi began a three week fast despite already being skinny. Like scary skinny.” They also claim that many anorexics set unattainable goals for themselves. “Some will pledge not to eat until they are below a certain weight goal others promise themselves a treat if they go a couple days without eating. In one case, a patient refused to eat until man landed on Mars. In Gandhi’s case, he pledged not to eat until violence ended between Hindus and Muslims. In our opinion, Mars is more likely.” The authors also state that those with anorexia exercise to an unhealthy extent. The Emory professors write that Gandhi exhibited this trait in 1930 when “[he] organized a 241 mile march from Ahmadabad to Dandi under the pretense of making salt. We assume that salt was available at the grocery store near Gandhi’s home and his stated political justifications for the march are neither believable nor known to us.” The article has predictably sparked outrage from all corners of the world. Indian Prime Minister Manmohan Singh condemned the article as “a denigration of one of India’s most beloved figures.” Muslims also rushed to condemn the article with the Indian Muslim Council stating, “We really don’t need this crap right now” and Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad calling the article “less believable than the Holocaust.”

In New Delhi thousands gathered to burn copies of US Weekly containing excerpts of the article.

“These conclusions are less believable than the Holocaust” -Mahmoud Ahmadinejad

The cover of the US Weekly also features a picture of Angelina Jolie (she’s the skinnier one), reportedly causing the actress to believe that the Indians were protesting her. In completely unrelated news, Oscar winning actress Angelina Jolie has announced plans to adopt a baby from India, maybe two.

: I H D GAN ? C I X E R O N A IN IS H T W O H ? N I H T TOO

Newspoke, Spring 2010

ES!

BABI MORE

’T T DON WE JUS YMORE N CARE A

Study: Why Are Spoke Writers Such Dicks? A new study begun last month by Emory’s Psychology department seeks to answer the question: why are Spoke writers such dicks? The study, led by Dr. Craig Canley, began as an attempt to study those who seemed to hold a bitter resentment toward their environment, yet still actively chose to participate within it. “We figured it’d be easier to just approach the Spoke staff,” said Dr. Canley about his research, “it wasn’t exactly difficult to get these people in for interviews,” Canley said about his methodology, “they’re fairly starved for attention. Oh, I think we included some free pizza too.”

“It’s really not funny, just a little vulgar.” -Hyun Jin Park, Arts & Sciences, 2012

K HE LOO L? D L U O C TOO LIKE A INK SO E R O M N’T TH WE DO

ELSE? WHAT RD TO IT’S HA

NY SO MA WRITE ’S . THAT JOKES Y ARE O MAN WHY S ND FULL BAD A OS. OF T YP

By focusing on such a tight research group, Dr. Canley was able to eliminate a lot of environmental factors that could complicate his experiment, but will have to tolerate the Spoke staff for a few weeks during experimenting. The interviews began by asking members of the staff exactly why they joined the Spoke, with the most answers falling into the following categories: -I always hide my true feelings behind irony, rather than defend them. -I’m in KA and only doing this to get the Spoke to stop saying we’re racist.* -I was a Mormon in high school so I’m still really impressed that we can publish curse words. -I am in the business school and only doing this to boost my resume -I wasn’t good enough to write for The Wheel so I thought I’d do this instead. -I lost a bet. Though responses varied, a healthy amount of self-loathing seemed to permeate the group. In order to gain further incite into deeper source of this rage, interviewers began weekly sessions with staff

members to gain their trust and get them to open up. It should be noted, there was one staff member (College ’13) who did think that writing for the Spoke was, “just a fun

“I don’t read the Spoke, I just wanted to see my name in a magazine.” -Special Edwards, Goizueta, 2010 thing to do,” but she was designated as an outlier. “We eventually started looking for root causes, we’re expecting a few patterns to emerge: withholding mothers, middle children, the ones picked last on the playgrounds.” Canley said.

“They’re a bunch of homos that don’t pull any ass.” -Some “Girl,” Softball Team “And don’t get me wrong, I’m sure we’ll see a few just genuinely bitter people, but only time will tell, I guess.” While results have varied between subjects, a pattern has emerged among those surveyed thus far. “There was always an instance of

“Do I find the what offensive?” -Jack Podesta, Arts & Sciences, 2011 major rejection early on in life,” said Byron Handerson, a graduate student who will assist in research for the study. “Whether the source of this rejection was countless Ivy League schools, The Wheel, or the Greek system here at Emory, it was clear that this

rejection became the source of sardonic inspiration for these writers,” an inspiration which would beget the countless dick jokes and petty stereotypes that Spoke writers must cook up about twice a semester. Reactions around campus have been a bit of a mixed bag. “I don’t see what the issue is,” said Ryan Houston, a member of Chi Phi fraternity, which had been awarded 4.5/5 stars by the Spoke in last semester’s “Fraternity Stereotypes” article. “They’re just saying it like it is and honestly some of these groups just take themselves too seriously.”

“I can think of no publication I enjoy reading more. I’m trying to convince my wife to leave the Lullwater house so that I can sponsor the Spoke full time.” -James Wagner, University President Others were not so amused. “It’s about time these people get some professional help,” said Li Kim, an Asian student whose friends reported looks remarkably similar to all other Asian students on Emory’s campus. “The Spoke is nothing more than worn out stereotypes projected onto a dying form of media. And it’s costing us money! It’s really more harm to the university than good.” Li’s opinion was not uncommon. Of the four hundred and fifty students polled on campus, about 64% reported that they found the Spoke’s content offensive, with some even reporting that they tear down the Weekly Flush whenever they happen see it. Despite the criticism, the Spoke staff seemed set in their resolve to continue publishing. “Yeah, they can go fuck themselves,” said editor-in-chief Robin Higgins, “that shit was funny.”

*Dear members of KA Order (I even looked up the official name!), While we are certainly not the first people to imply that you could be racist, we genuinely have no intention of inhibiting your recruitment efforts. However, if you’re trying to shed the “racist” image, you might want to drop the portraits of Confederate generals, that tends to set off some red (rebel) flags.

Newspoke, Spring 2010

ABSOLUTE BLACKOUT.