Everyone Has A Story What’s Yours?

By Towanna Hogue

Iremember growing up, my mother and grandmother would always tell me never to allow a man to put his hands on me. My grandfather would tell anyone I was dating or in a relationship with point blank, “If you ever feel the need to put your hands on her, you better bring her back home to us first. If not, you will have to deal with me.” My grandfather could come across as one the meanest and no-nonsense having man in the world and would always say the first thing that came out of his mouth with no filter whatsoever. But even with that mean exterior, I knew his love for me, and it made me feel safe. I would listen, smile, and think, “Yeah, what he said!”

In all the relationships I had, physical abuse never happened to me. It was something I demanded and would never tolerate. I did see physical abuse happen to a few friends and young women while attending college. But no one ever talked about it. We would all act like we didn’t see or hear anything. I would feel thankful that it never happened to me.

However, as an adult, I learned there were many other forms of abuse. No one ever told me to return home or leave a relationship if someone made me feel less than or had me questioning or second-guessing my worth. Or someone who disrupted my peace. Or hid or blocked access to money? Is that enough to leave or end a marriage? What I know and have learned now absolutely it is enough, especially when you know your worth.

My excuse as to why I stayed in an unhealthy, mentally, emotionally, and financially abusive marriage was that I didn’t want to break up my family. My dad wasn’t in my life, and I did not want that for my children. Plus, I am a cancer survivor. Sickness can bring on financial challenges. I didn’t want that either. So, what am I to do?

I will tell you what I did! I told him I was leaving him. He laughed and said, “How are you going to leave me? You don’t have any family or friends

(because we moved out of state). You don’t have any money. You have nothing!” I walked up to him, got in his face, and said, “I’m stepping out on faith!” I did just that and never looked back!

One day when he went to work, I had enough friends to pack up and move everything out of our newly built custom home! I left him the bedroom set because I didn’t want that! I left one plate, fork, spoon, knife, pan, two washcloths, and towels, and I even took the refrigerator! I did leave him a dorm-sized one that was in our bedroom. When he called me after he returned home from work, he called me out of my name and said, “You took the refrigerator?”

I will not say that it hasn’t been difficult because it has. I never thought I would become a divorced, single woman with three kids to raise alone. I have had both mental and physical challenges that I had to heal from, including financial strains and feeling like I had to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders because I mostly suffered in silence. I was embarrassed to share my “real” truth.

Then one day, I decided if I was going to tell it, then I was going to tell it all. I would never allow anyone to weaponize my past against me. I wanted people to see an example of what “trouble doesn’t last always” looks like! I wanted to use my experiences as a teachable moment. God has been good to me. Even through my trials and tribulations, I’m Still Standing!

I wrote and self-published two books. Through It All, I’m Still Standing… Bringing Awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Emotional Abuse is a book that allowed me to stand in my truth. The purpose of the book is to teach others not to suffer in silence. To know your worth and to never allow anyone to disrupt your peace. I also want people to understand the meaning of narcissism and understand the signs. I listed below some of the tendencies my children and I have dealt with throughout the years. Not everyone’s experience is the same.

Signs of narcissistic personality disorder

1. Sense of self-importance

2. Arrogant

3. Lack of empathy

4. Entitled

5. Envious of others and believes people are envious of them

6. Put themselves first

7. Belittle, bullies, demean, and intimidate others

8. Deceitful

9. Manipulative

10. Never sorry or apologetic, and can make you question your truth

11. Unable or not willing to recognize the needs and feelings of others

12. Take joy in other people’s pain

Duke Health which is a part of the Duke University Health System, provides more in-depth information. You can visit their website at www.dukehealth.org. Please discuss any mental health concerns with your physician and a licensed therapist.

There’s Something I Have to Tell You All…Mommy Has Cancer is a children’s book I wrote to assist other parents who may be going through something similar. When my children were younger, I could not find a book to explain my sickness, changes in appearance, and why I went from being active and playful to feeling tired and sleeping all the time. In the introduction, I also share my story of being told I would never be able to have children again. The doctors said one thing, but God had something else in store for me and blessed me with my youngest son.

I am the Publisher and Editor-in-Chief of Empower Atlanta Magazine, a women-led, DBE and MBE-certified publication. I barely had two nickels to rub together, but I was able to create a legacy for my children and their children. Doors have opened that I never thought was even possible. Always dare to dream! The best part of it all is seeing the happiness and excitement in my children’s eyes of the blessings that God has bestowed upon us! He is not done! My story has just begun!

Get your copy of Through It All I’m Still Standing…Bringing Awareness to Narcissistic Personality Disorder and Emotional Abuse and There’s Something I Have to Tell You All…Mommy Has Cancer at www.towannahogue.com. Or visit Amazon, Barnes and Noble, Walmart, and anywhere books are sold.