12 minute read
What a long strange trip it’s been
By Solala Towler
Thirty odd years ago, as I lay in my bed of torment, suffering from various effects of CFIDS (Cronic Fatigue Immune Dysfunction Syndrome) — low to no energy, foggy thinking, extreme insomnia, as well as a roller coaster of emotional ups and downs — listening to my three children running around the house without a father, I felt I had really reached the end. My wife was valiantly running the household while I lay up stairs listening to my life going on without me. I had tried acupuncture (no qi to really access), Chinese herbs (worked for awhile then stopped), and naturopathy (not much there either). Of course Western medicine had nothing to offer me. To them CFIDS was not even a real disease.
Then, through a CFIDS support group, I met a woman who had recovered using a line of foodgrade Chinese herbs from a company named Sunrider. In order to afford the somewhat expensive herbs I had to give up all my appointments with my acupuncturist and my naturopath (which were actually not that helpful), but it was a bit scary. After a month or so on the herbs I started to feel better. Soon I was out of bed and getting back into life. I still had a ways to go however.
Then I decided to take a qigong weekend course with Professor Chen Huixian. She taught a form called Soaring Crane Qigong. It was a lot to take in during one weekend class and at first I felt more exhausted after I did the 20-minute form. But I kept at it and eventually I was healed. Soon after that I began teaching it myself. Now 30 years later, I find myself healing from prostate removal surgery after cancer was found in one part of it. My prostate was extremely swollen, so I had to wear a catheter for two months leading up to the surgery, one of
the most traumatic experiences of my life (you really haven’t lived until you have practiced taiji with a catheter implanted in you).
I had had some problems with urination starting a few years ago but was able to keep on top of it with Chinese herbs and acupuncture. My acupuncturist, Sunny Cheung, has a two-year waiting list and talks to me about Dao and meditation and living a good life. He has a very thick accent so I admit there is a lot of what he says that I cannot follow. But he says things like, “Identify with your forever self, not this episode.” And, “If our mind was pure we would be healthy and we could eat the sugar and the cake and, not only would it not be bad for us, it would be good for us! But our mind is not pure so we cannot eat the cake because we are already too full of cake.” But my urination problems got worse until I stopped being able to urinate on my own. After a scan showed that I had an enormous amount of urine backed up in my bladder I had to get a catheter inserted to not only drain the old urine but also to make the urine flowed in the correct direction so that my kidneys did not get backed up, which would be serious indeed.
I was so traumatized by that first catheter insertion that I came home and just lay on my bed for 8 hours! I ended up having it in for two months before surgery while waiting for a biopsy and other tests. The biopsy showed cancer in just one place of the twelve they biopsied but it had a very high Gleason score, which meant it was an aggressive form of cancer. The decision was made to remove my swollen prostate and get rid of all the cancer. The surgery was done by a great surgeon, Dr. Dimarco, whose warm, easy and very patient demeanor made Shanti and me feel like we were in good hands. The surgery itself was done robotically, which is much less invasive that the old-fashioned kind which was done with large incisions and longer recovery time, and is also much more painful.
But the first few days after the surgery were pretty rough. Not only was I in a lot of pain but I was taking an opioid medication named Oxycodone, which pretty much turned me into a zombie. I was too out of it to read or even watch a movie. Then I started having regular blood sugar crashes. I called the doc and they did not have anything to offer. When I finally questioned them about the meds they told me to cut it in half, which helped hugely. The next day I went in for my checkup and the doc there told me I could just stop taking it. Wow, that was the right thing to do! Fortunately, I had only been taking it for four or five days and had no trouble stopping. I know that there are folks out there who have more serous surgery and pain issues and have to be on it for longer periods of time and have a really rough time getting off of it. I transferred to taking Tylenol and was willing to put up with a little more pain but have my life back.
One day, when I was feeling pretty bad and was having a very negative mental outlook, I remembered that my dear friend Nancy Hopps and given me two CDs of hers, using guided imagery which she created to help people through the before surgery time and also after the surgery. I had listened to the surgery one but forgot about the pain one. I listened to it and it made a huge difference in my experience and attitude. I moved on from that to listening to the latest cd by David Crosby (Here If You Listen), which is gorgeous and the equally gorgeous CD Awaking by Mitan. I felt tears flowing down my face. It seemed to me that every beautiful and hopeful song on the both CDs were written and sung just for me. Shanti came in and found me lying there weeping and smiling. I told her that I had moved from “rage and despair to hope and glory.”
The main problem of the catheter and then the surgery has been my inability to sit down as my hui yin (perineum) has been very painful, which did not allow me to sit at my computer or even drive myself. But now, almost three months later that is much better. My partner Shanti has been a saint and angel taking care of me, all with a good will and good humor. I am so grateful for that. So many people have sent me money through my GoFundMe page and many others have offered love and support. Really, the best thing about getting sick is how much love you receive from everyone around you. Before the surgery some of my kirtan friends put together a benefit kirtan for me. My little backyard temple was so packed with musicians and supporters (some of whom I didn’t even know) that others had to stand outside the door! I did not play that night but just soaked up all the good music and good feelings. I told everyone that I would be taking them all with me into the operating room!
Another good thing about getting sick is that it is an opportunity to put all your spiritual training into practice. It was quite a challenge not to get too caught up in fear and anxiety about the idea of having cancer and the upcoming surgery; I found that my training in Daoism cultivation practices Fall 2019 — Page 21
really came in handy. I found that I could take one step at a time and not worry about the future. Earlier in my life I would have been a nervous wreck about it all, but I found that I could instead just trust in each moment to evolve into the next, without feeling anxious about it all.
I remember being taught years ago that if you worry about the possible outcome of something you end up suffering twice, once when you are worrying about the future and then again when the future comes to pass. Not only that, but sometimes you worry for nothing. Again, useless suffering.
As I have not been able to sit on a cushion for many months I have done all my meditation and much of my qigong practice lying down. I miss sitting on a cushion, but one of the basic tenets of Daoism is flexibility so I need to be open to whatever works.
Of course there is the whole thing of “How come I have practiced qigong for 30 years and still got cancer?” thing. One thing is genetics. Both my father and brother had prostate cancer. Also, I think too many hours and years of sitting in front of the computer, one of the drawbacks of being a writer, probably led to congestion and inflammation in my lower Jiao. One of my friends, who is an acupuncturist and qigong teacher, has had cancer three times! I am sure there are also karmic implications to all of this. Some of my friends with the healthiest lifestyles have died of cancer.
Laozi says that one of the reasons we suffer is because we have such a limited sense of self. This is often translated as “if we did not have a body we would not have problems.” While that is often true it does not go deeply into what Laozi was really saying, in my opinion.
It is when we identify only with our physical self and its physical problems that we suffer so. Then we add emotional suffering on top of that, and sometimes even spiritual suffering on top of that. We create such a multi-layered situation of suffering that it can really block out any sense of relief or hope for the future.
When my kids were young we used to go to all the Jackie Chan movies and there would always come a time in the story when it looked very bad for our hero. Then I would turn to them and say, “I wonder how he’s going to get out of it this time.” Because of course, he was the hero and would end up getting out of it at some point; we just didn’t know how. We got to look forward to seeing just how he did it. So when things get rough for me I often say to myself, “I wonder how he’s going to get out of it this time.” Being the hero of my own life, I know that I will get out of the trouble somehow. It’s a different feeling than worrying about the future; instead it is a feeling of curiosity and excitement as to just how I will manage.
Another thing is that just about every terrible thing that has happened to me has always led to something great. Whatever great thing that is going to come from this situation (besides the whole not dying of cancer thing) has not revealed itself yet. I am greatly looking forward to seeing it when it does reveal itself.
So, I would greatly encourage anyone to really go deeply as possible into his or her self-cultivation practice. Then, when big life-changing things come down the road, we are more able to confront or at least flow with them. I will be 69 in a few weeks and am most grateful for the many blessings I have received and continue to receive. And I am so, so grateful to all my wonderful teachers (including my cancer) who have guided me along the Way for the past 30 years.
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Take a moment to help Solala
If you’re interested in helping Solala in his journey to healing please visit https://www.gofundme.com/f/3prqcpgofund-me-for-solala. He’s been an amazing curator and publisher of The Empty Vessel for 25 years, so please take a moment to send some positive energy his way.
Book Reviews
LAO TZU’S TAO TE CHING: Soul Journeying Commentaries A Sojourning Pilgrim’s Rendering of 81 Spirit Soul Passages
AUTHOR: Raymond Bart Vespe
The Tao Te Ching is a principal text of the ancient Spiritual tradition of Chinese Taoism. It is a compilation of 81 wisdom sayings attributed to Lao Tzu, the old boy/philosopher/Master, written down over 2,000 years ago and which has since undergone hundreds of translations, commentaries, adaptations and applications. Tao Te Ching maxims were wise counsel given by Taoist sages to feudal rulers on how to harmoniously and peacefully live, order their states and govern their peoples at a time period in Chinese history of socio-political conflict and upheaval. The wisdom sayings have become universally meaningful guidelines for enlightened leadership, Spiritual awakening and Soulful living.
The Ultimate Reality of Tao is interpreted as Spirit and its Virtuosity/Te is interpreted as our embodied Spirit, inner Spirit-nature or Human Soul. The textual maxims and their Soul-journeying commentaries and meditations are considered as some passages we human beings can make on our Souljourneying from being ego- identified to identifying with/as Spirit and Soul and which are relevant, meaningful and useful for some dynamic-kinetic energetic aspects of Soul-work, Soul-making and the enSouling process throughout our human life course, life cycle and life span.
SUBJECT: Tao Te Ching / Spirituality / Human Soul • 978-1-58790-4295 (paperback) • COST: $19.95 • 978-1-58790-430-1 (e-book) / $9.95 • PAGES: 310 pages/paperback
LIEH TZU’s HSING SHIH SHENG: Psychotherapeutic Commentaries A Wayfaring Counselor’s Rendering of The Nature of Real Living
AUTHOR: Raymond Bart Vespe
The Lieh Tzu, here titled as Hsing Shih Sheng/The Nature of Real Living, is a principal text of the ancient Spiritual tradition of Chinese Taoism. It is a compilation of narratives recorded over 2,000 years ago and is a companion text of Lao Tzu’s Tao Te Ching/The Tao Virtuosity Experience and Chuang Tzu’s Nei P’ien/The Interior Records. It is set in the same historical time period of great human conflict, social upheaval, political intrigue and bloody warfare. Offering guidelines for wise ruling and true being, the narratives illustrate poignant vicissitudes of universal realities and practicalities of the everyday living and ordinary experiences, and difficulties associated with seeking, pursuing, acquiring and displaying excessive status, fame, wealth, profit and power.
The commentaries are for anyone who is interested in the benefits of finding some encouragement, support and guidance throughout their unique wayfaring journey from being mostly ego-identified to realistically living a more awakened, conscious, reasonable, sufficient, gratifying and meaningful Spiritual and Soulful human life.
