How to Use Your Voice

By: Andrea Sipcic

We often hear these phrases of encouragement, amongst others, urging us to speak up for ourselves, be heard, and express our real feelings. This can lead us to believe, aside from our potential awareness of our own hesitancies around this, that this is a very common issue that many face.

For a moment though, let’s actually look at the why. Why is it so hard for so many of us to express ourselves and what we’re really feeling? Could it be that maybe we grew up in a family where this was not a common habit and no one really expressed their true feelings and intentions? Maybe if they tried to, it was usually coated with a rough layer of anger and hostility. Or maybe we feel we will be judged for what our true feelings and desires are, based on the possibility of this having occurred in the past and not wanting to face ridicule? Perhaps we don’t speak up out of fear? Fear of what may happen or what outcome may result from this unveiling, or that our feelings are deemed “wrong”?

Do any of these possibilities strike as true for you? Wherever the reluctance is coming from though, know that you have the choice to change that if you wish; to move past any potential blocks stopping you from moving forward to freely expressing your truths.

While it is important to speak up and express yourself when needed, it is just as important to know when to do this, and when it is not of any benefit to either yourself or others. How we go about saying certain things is also very important.

To start off with some blunt honesty, not everyone cares about our opinions, especially concerning their life. Expressing ourselves freely and giving others our un-sought after opinions and perspectives, are two very different things. To put it simply, if someone wants our opinion, they will ask for it, especially if it’s regarding their life and life decisions. This also goes for the people we love and care most about. Sometimes the best thing we can do even for them is to keep our opinions to ourselves, and know that they will find their way.

The main way ‘speaking up’ in this kind of unsolicited manner is not beneficial is that a lot of times the other party is just not in a space to hear it. It’s like you are speaking to them about apples and they are hearing oranges. It tends to cause more harm than good, leading to potential confusion and anger, as good as your intentions may be. It can also lead to resentment on their part, and them feeling that they are being judged, as well as a great deal of misunderstanding, often from both sides.

Most importantly, before we start conveying any of our truths to anyone, we must first be ok and accepting of what those are for ourselves. This is by far the most important step, and oftentimes our biggest barrier to speaking up to others.

The goal here is to speak up when we know we need to; when it directly pertains to us, and especially when someone asks us something to do with us, what we think, and our feelings. Knowing when to speak up and express ourselves is also an important way of honouring and respecting ourselves. Sometimes it may feel uncomfortable to do this, especially if it’s something we’re not used to, but like anything, it just takes practice to reach a certain level of ease with it. Remind yourself that if someone is going to judge you, leave you, or think any less of you because you expressed yourself honestly, you can ask yourself, do you really want those people in your life in the way they currently are? Or it shows you their true colours so you can know with more clarity where they’re coming from and what they’re about.

Lastly, it is so vital that when we are expressing ourselves, what we think, feel, know, and what we stand for, that we do so with love and compassion. The way these expressions are received when doing so in this manner is extremely different than when not, causing a very different outcome, usually not to the benefit of anybody, and oftentimes just creating more havoc.