Beautifully Broken

A true story of survival, hope, and healing.

STORY BY REEMA SUKUMARAN PHOTOS BY KAITY CANCEL DESIGN BY DIANE MYERS

Warning: the following story deals with abuse and may be disturbing to some readers.

My heart filled with so many nostalgic feelings as we turned off Old US31, greeted by the Andrews University globe statue. The Welcome Globe wasn’t there in the 80s when I was a student, yet it sat there like it has belonged for decades. My girlfriend and I were back at Andrews for her son’s graduation.

I was immediately taken back in time as we drove through those entrance gates, remembering the rush to make curfew, and hoping the security guard was someone we knew. Lamson Hall has not changed much! I remember the very first day I arrived as a student, driving up with my parents, feeling apprehensive but also excited about my new school. My home, up to this point, was living with an extremely physically abusive father and my mom was the textbook ‘battered woman’. My two younger brothers and I grew up never knowing exactly what would

If you are sexually harassed, mistreated or abused by anyone who is a church institution employee or volunteer (including elders, deacons, or other church officers) within the Lake Union, you can make a confidential report to a support counselor at Project Safe Church, who can help you seek accountability.

www.projectsafechurch.org

If you desire to speak to an Adventist counselor or psychologist about a traumatic event, the Abide Counseling Network can provide one, either in-person or on-line, depending on where you are.

www.abidecounseling.us

Andrews University Counseling & Testing Center provides in-person and virtual services, call for a CONFIDENTIAL appointment.

269-471-3470

set my dad off, but the results were the same, him physically inflicting pain on us.

My heart broke as my family drove back home after dropping me off at school. I had to hold on to my faith that God would protect them. He had to be watching over us, or we would not have survived what we did. Like most, all I ever wanted was for my dad to love and care for me as fathers are supposed to. I wanted my mom to scream at my dad to leave us alone and not hurt us anymore! I wanted, no begged, my mom to take us away and just leave him behind. She was, after all, the sole provider for our family. Yes, it would have been uncertain and scary to leave, but we would have been safe! She couldn’t. She wouldn’t. Sadly, she was trapped in a way that victims often are by their abusers.

When I came to Andrews, I was happy to leave my home town. We were misfits—it was a very cliquish community, where the norm was to be rich and educated—and we did not belong. When you add the anomaly that was my dad, our lives were filled with uncertainty and despair more often than not.

Coming to Andrews opened up a whole new world to me. There were students and teachers from all walks of life and ethnicity and economic status did not seem to matter. My superpower in high school—had I been allowed one—would have been to be invisible. At Andrews I finally began to find myself, and I became visible. I had friends from all different ethnicities and walks of life. I wasn’t ‘different’ anymore, I was just another student on campus. I always looked forward to meeting up with my friends to eat together, sharing clothes in the dorm, and getting dressed up for events like Vespers, with the hopes of seeing my crush of the week. My girlfriend and I continued our journey down memory lane as we walked around campus. The Education building was where I had spent many of my days as a student. Becoming a teacher was exciting and I loved how I was able to utilize my creativity. I have always loved kids, which might be obvious as my husband and I are parents to 6 beautiful amazing humans! Life as a student was so full of possibilities! When it was time for me to do my student teaching, I decided to leave Michigan and go back home. It was purely a financial and practical decision—no expenses living there! My youngest brother was still at home and in his last year of high school. We were very close and it just made perfect sense.

As we passed the campus bookstore, the memories of those months I was back home student teaching flooded over me. A single moment had changed my life forever. The chaplain of the school I worked at back home— someone that my brothers were close to and trusted—befriended me when I was back home. He was beloved and respected by the community. He was married. He was a father. He was a man of God. He was someone I looked up to and admired. His wife asked me to babysit a few times. He came home early one evening. He put his son in the bath as we chatted. The next thing I knew I was being violently raped by him.

I had to deal with the realization that I needed help.

Campus was quiet since it was a Friday. My girlfriend and I climbed on the structure in front of the science building. I found myself struggling emotionally. It had been 25 years since the rape, yet the memory was very present, and had changed my life forever.

My girlfriend asked how I was doing. This was a weekend for me to simply exhale and do what girlfriends do—like talk nonstop—but she knew I had broken down. I was unsure how to clearly explain the nightmare my family lived through. It was as if my body shut down and was rebelling. It was finally time for me to take care of myself. I am a caretaker, I take care of everyone. I am the person that listens to others. I am the one that always smiles. I have a loving husband, 6 adoring boys, and am ‘living the dream’. All of this is true, yet my body protested and reacted. Inside, there was a nightmare in me that never went away. I was afraid of my own shadow.

My dad passed away two years ago, and I thought I would finally be able to find some peace. Instead, his death triggered severe panic attacks. I found myself unable to be alone, and unable to be the wife and mother I once was. I needed help. As we lounged on that piece of concrete in front of the Science building I cried my heart out. I shared how the pains of my past were still very present— showing its ugly head—and how scared I was.

It has been four years since I walked on the campus that carries a special place in my heart. I had to deal with the realization that I needed help. I had survived significant trauma, and I was suffering from anxiety and depression. Mental illness runs in my family. Had my dad sought help, how different could my life have been? I had to accept the fact that medication needed to be part of my daily life for me to function as I wanted. I had to seek help from a therapist who continues to work with me. The work is hard but with God, all things really are possible. He wants me to be my best self.

The rape changed my world. Times have also changed. The #metoo movement has shown me that I am not alone. We are all broken in some way. It takes a lot of strength and courage to accept one’s brokenness and seek help. I wish I had not waited 25 years to seek help for mine, but I am so glad that it’s never too late. God promises us that “He heals the brokenhearted and binds up our wounds.” Psalms 147:3

Reema Sukumaran graduated from Andrews University with a B.S. in Education. Together with her husband, Sanj, who graduated from Andrews with a BA in Communicative Disorders, they are raising their six sons in Ontario, Canada. Reema has recently published her memoir, Beautifully Broken. You can learn more about her at www.reematalks.com