I Am US Equestrian

"To Horses, I Was Just Another Soul"

For transgender equestrian Clay Murray, horses bring peace and a sense of true self.

Rachel Griffin Photography

My parents always say they don’t know where it came from, but as soon as I could speak I was saying “horse.” By the time I was five, they had heard it enough that they enrolled me in lessons at an event-ing barn in town. I still remember each horse’s name and the milestones I crossed with them. From learning to groom, tack, and post, to mucking out stalls, to rid-ing bareback and the first jumps I ever did. Everyone talks about their calling, or what they were meant to do. I don’t know that I felt that way, but I knew I loved these wonderful creatures. And I was going to do whatever it took to keep them in my life.

Since I was little, I’ve known I was different. I struggled to make friends with female peers because, as I say all the time, I just “didn’t understand them.” I had a lot more male friends as a child, but as you grow up things change. I always felt more comfortable and myself when I was around the boys, and I was confused as to why they felt differently about me. I never wanted to act or dress “like a girl,” in fact I was adamantly against it. I played multiple sports growing up. However, I always felt wrong and as if I was not with people like myself. Of course, looking back it is so easy to see why.

I believe that is part of why horseback riding has always been a strong focus in my life. The world of horses created the most consistent sense of freedom and peace for me, whether I was actively working with the horses or I was simply enjoying their presence. Horses never cared about what clothing I had on or the length of my hair. Horses never judged me because of the “F” on my birth certificate or the name that went along with it. To horses, I was just another soul. A soul capable of thoughts and emotions. When I was with horses, I felt truly seen.

I remember a time when I was early in my transition. There was a horse at my barn that was known to only like men. And this horse really liked me. She’d always come up to me, nuzzle me, and follow me anywhere without a lead. Looking back, I recall rubbing her head and whispering, “You only like men, huh? Well, I’m a guy, so …” and it was one of the first times I was able to confidently say who I was to another being.

I’ve had some wonderful horses in my life, but my current horse, Savvy, is in a world of her own. She’s definitely a mare, and she will tell you how she feels. However, she’s the most loving horse I’ve ever met. When I got her, I could tell she needed some time and adjustments, so we spent a solid year working on trust and communication. I can’t stress enough how important that was for us as a pair. I’m not a perfect rider, and I’m well aware of that, but Savvy works with me to resolve any problems we may encounter. If she’s nervous or unsure, she looks to me for guidance, and I find that incredibly rewarding. When people ask what I do, I always tell them I’m an eventer. I know in my heart that that is who I am.

"The world of horses created the most consistent sense of freedom and peace for me, whether I was actively working with the horses or I was simply enjoying their presence," Clay Murray said.

Jon Siegel Photography

As I grew up, I always found myself in awe of the eventers, the incredible athletes who took on three phases that were so different. I dreamed of one day being a good enough rider to tackle such unique challenges.

When I really think about it, that does go along with my personality. I tend to look for that extra challenge, that extra spark in every-thing. And eventing absolutely has that. When I’m working on dressage, I love the moments of perfect communication and understand-ing. Stadium jumping creates an atmosphere that requires quick decisions, knowing your horse, and trusting your horse to have your back. When I’m in a pinch I tell Savvy, “I need you,” and when she’s there for me that feeling is euphoric. And what is there to say about cross-country? The long gallops, the tricky combinations, and the water splashing always lights my soul on fire and makes me incredibly thankful for that moment.

Eventers, we … we’re just made a little different. And I love that. Of course every discipline has its certain character traits, but I feel as though the eventers really are in a world of their own. And I am quite fond of that world.

But confession time: I’ve never actually competed in eventing, and that is something I don’t like admitting. Growing up, I was lucky to show once every couple of years at a small schooling jumper show. As I became an adult, I still wasn’t financially in the position where I could afford everything related to showing (including a capable horse, until now), and I kept my focus on schooling. I know that showing doesn’t make the rider, but I always felt I hadn’t proven myself, in a sense. I’m hopeful to participate in more shows starting this year, but whether or not that happens, I am always thankful for the ability to ride at all and for the very special bond I have with my lovely horse.

The world is a scary place for a transgender person like me. And especially scary for a transgender athlete. However, the equestrian world has been overwhelmingly kind and sup-portive of me. And I feel that is why it is so important to be open and vocal about my story. If telling my story helps one rider feel more welcome, then it was worth it. I want every rider who feels different to know that I see you and I support you. And I want my trans riders to know that I am here for you, and please feel free to ask me any questions you may have.

Transgender equestrian athlete Clay Murray with his mare, Savvy, in Tulsa, Okla.

Jon Siegel Photography

When you think about it, the equestrian world is something extremely special. We have men and women competing side by side. We all wear very similar attire. We are together. There’s no “men’s team” or “women’s team,” there is just “the team.” Of course there is a distinction between men and women equestrians, but in this sport we don’t define ourselves by that distinction. And I think that is so incredible and unique. I love it. And I love the environment that it has created.

I am Clay Murray. I am a transgender equestrian athlete. I am an eventer. And I am US Equestrian.