QT Collective Issue #8
EDITORS
Hello, bbs! Thank you for the (really) long wait. This edition’s theme is “Change.” When I think of change, I think of transformation, movement, sometimes growth, and sometimes heartbreak. To me, change is powerful. There’s something about the way it breaks and gives birth to someone new, the way it tests, the way it recollects me after my worst moments. Like a phoenix. If change were a bird, it’d be a badass fucking phoenix. Anyway. I hope you all enjoy this edition! With Love and Power,
Gia Dacayanan Hello!! Thank u all for the long wait! Change is the only constant in life. I find it comforting that the world we live in won’t be like this forever that there will come a time where we can BE OURSELVES FREELY. Change can offer hope. It can be hard but it is a part of growing as people into our best selves. Love, Erica Hello fellow readers, newcomers and creative artists, I am the one and only quirky James if you did not know. I am also one of the co-editors for this new issue of QT Collective. Little bit about myself, I love Korean Pop (especially Gfriend), my sun sign is a Taurus and I am a nerd for Queer Theory. This new issue will focus on the imaginative powers of “change.” Change, for me, is a transformative moment where the imaginative is reborn as “beyond real.” Changes are the dreams, reflections, struggles and experiences inhabiting within us; changes are only free when we let them have freedom. What can you do with your power of change, I ask? Enjoy the issue! And thanks for loving QT Collective! James Mamuad
IN THIS ISSUE: 9/18/17
1-2
Juliana Kushinka
S(c)ense 3 Gia Dacayanan
Change pt. II by
4
Erica Meier
A Rickety Bus to The Coast
5-6
Dawn-Hunter Strobel
Blood that Boils
7
Nastja Nykaza
Flaws in the Post Service and Time Reilly Resnik
8-9
Nothing’s Ever Gonna Change If You Keep Doing the Same Thing...
10 Meg
The Effects of Changing My Hair
Chary
11-12 Ashley Alunan
Underwater Garden 13-14 James Mamuad
I Might Be
15
Ilia Forkin
Ways in Which I’m Not Orange 16-17 Alex Lloyd
Sponsors & Contact Information
18
1
9/18/17 you
know
just
you
“wanting
realize just
when
a
to
that’s
have go
not
concept
or
that
intrinsic
home”
&
then
really
a
place
a
feeling
&
you
urge
of
suddenly
anymore,
it’s
that’s
scary
as
build
that,
how
hell because
how
you
try
to
you
take
you’re far like
feeling &
of
in
a
everyone
you
were
finally
&
want
to
skin
2
that
that
from
but
you
consciously
construct
depressed
help
when
you
away
asleep
my
do
i
just
feel
want
for
yourself,
home
with
foreign who’s
there someone
made
talk
i’m
chasing
ephemeral
feel
home
between
my
like
wind
on
you
rest
your
love
when
she’s
a
hand
beach on
the
sleeping
i
to
winter hip
of
when
so feel
love &
things
fingertips in
& you
everyone to
do
even
country
ever ?
you
how
&
i
is
can’t i
just
against
or the
do
girl
S ( c ) e n s e
A d w a m I f s a i t w s b i I t u i t c d b h o w i t w a m M a r h I
n o n a s s a d ’ v u m p i n d n g r a h e t a e c t
e x ’ t a h i e e e s t e l n c e n y e a u t o
- f h f t r t p e a l a h o u o t d . I d s e o
r i e n a v e e r s w a s r f e c w a y s n d s o w u d I i c e a B u t r e m e i n o m y d i f f
w o u i n e t a e d m e n ’ t c a m e a n e n y d e c s p p l a y h e
l a h p u f
y f a f f o r y a n o m e . s t i
m i l y d s t y s c I t l l d
a r n h o o e o r h t h a
l d y I u o r c a
d n c a t l a s t r o n e l e o e p b r i n c o b e d .
’ t e r t i t c e t h m y e d d a s n ’ l a c e g a n g e p t a b l w i t ’ a e m o
s b n a n
d a h e m t h c e n b c o b l i m b n e f a i c k a ’ l a o t
o n c d i s c o i n e s e n a t e n t e e l i u l d e . t m e r e p l m i l u l t
n i s o t u o h
e t t i n u l d o r s e d w d l e v a g e I h a d e d t a c e y ’ s t o
o w n s w h n g s e . I h a o m e t n e e e a t n t o m y c h o f h y t h e h a n
h m e e t
n e v i l i t t ( o k e s ’ t h
r ,
e y r p a
o e n n t k v e , d a l e x i l o m n a r
o l d c t n ’ t n o o n e a r o t i b l y t , a t e m o h a t f o a l a f
w l l y o u l e n o y a n t o l . p e d h e t h r o
b s a n e r f v e
h , o g s w o d c o e a w
s t i i o
m c t . t n n i
I d r e I r w a f o
o u b u ’ h t t u r I b e B u t o d s c t e
s u v t h h
e t e n t e l l A n s o g p s . m p u h a t b e i s e ’ v e t o o y s r d .
a t I f i l i v e a t e v r e a l t h o u c e n t n o w t h o u s t I t h i i n s t a b i , I l e t a p e . I t I c a r v e n t r a n c e
e e n a o I d y s e n e c t s o n e .
e t e h e a s k a
b o s e
s
h a t . I i f d i w n . e r D e l s i e d n g n s e n e l o f o u
l n e n
t
I
t
v e b e v e r n g n d
g d e l s t h e n l d
n e s o a t k -
i n
e t o ’ t c a r ) o f a s e t h a t
3
4
A
r i c k e t y
u d u u
s a o l l s : n l o
w l t t
e w i i k e h o u g h o u g
t r w a s f
h a e n h o
e i n w o e r
t t t s
h h h t
o o o o
u g h t : u g h t : u g h t : p t h i n
o o e u h
w e m e i a
i m e l c t
I p s f q t
n a i a
b u s
y o m w m
l n h h
b e s i l l d w i ½
l o t t
: p a s t a l : b e : c o
a c h o a k e l : w w o m l l s p r i c
l l : : s t t h i n h o w k l y p o w
t a i o
p o t l l r l o t
t h e
c o a s t
d : t h e b u s d r i v e r r s n t h e b a c k o f t h e d i n g o u r s e l v e s
b y c k
c k h e r s h
w d a a e e
i l l
b e :
e e o i
a u t i f s t h i w s h i n g a b
g a v e
b u s
2
l i k e
e x t r a 8 t h
g r a d e
b e a u t i f u l
c o l d
l k e v e r y w h e r e n w i l l a s k u s : w h e r e a r e y o u f r o m l l u s : p h o t o o f M a r i l y n M o n r o e
s t a n a n d g w i c l o i t c e r d
d o t s o e
n h e u c
o n t m a l d i d
a n d
e t s w i l l r o c k s I o c k s o f g r e e n t o t o u c h
t h o u g h t : t h o u g h t : t o u c h
w e
s s a c o w f a r m g i a a u t i f u l w s h i t i s n o t
h o w p o w e r f u l ( m e ) m n s s s
t o
w e i g h e d w e i g h e d
u l s p a r t i s b e a u t i f u l t i s b e a u t i f u l o u t m a n u r e h o n e
a r e e r e d h a l l d
o d p o
c g o w e
k i n t h e e o f w e r t h a n n d
i f
p o w e r l e s s b e f i l l e d s t o o d o n r e d
o c e a n y o u
o n l y i t
m a k e s
w i t h :
y o u
r o c k s
b l u e
d o w n d o w n
b y
t h i n g s
s m o o t h
t o
e v e n t : w a l k i n g t h r o u g h a g a r d e n c r y i n g o n t o f l o w e r s t h o u g h t : c o w s h i t f e r t i l i z e r 5
h e a l t h y f l o w e r s t h o u g h t : c o w s h i t A l l o f b u s t o i t h a s
l e a d s
t h i s w i l l h a p p e n t h e c o a s t n o t h a p p e n e d y e t
A l l d a y I w i l l t h i n k p r e c i o u s t h i n g s b u t a l w a y s c o m e b a c k
b e a u t i f u l
b u t
a b o u t
i n
t h e
r i c k e t y
b e a u t i f u l
a n d
t o :
t h e o p e n w i n d o w a n d t h e f r i e n d s ’ s c r u n c h e d u p f a c e s f r o m R e i l l y ’ s h a n d i n t h e p o e m a b o u t t h e b u s d r i v e r s t e a l i n g
t o
c o w
s h i t
t h e
s m e l l
l i g h t o u r
a s
a n d
t h e y
m y
w r i t e
s o u l s
B r a d l e y ’ s s u m m e r j o b a t a c a r n i v a l m o n t h b o t t l e c a p c o l l e c t i o n h e g a v e t o a n e x
a n d
h i s
t h e l a d y i n t h e t h i r d r o w w h o c o u g h e d w h o l e w a y t h e r e t h e w o m a n w h o g a v e h e r a c o u g h d r o p
t h e
A i h r t p I w p s t a c t e b k a
e e l l f h t
6
l t a e o l
l s a
a m o r r e e t o n d o w h e v e e a n o n d
o b u n l i s e c e i s l d s e m t h p s p r y u t w w
f t t I o t z e t m n e s e d h a n t i y h e c r e c h i t r e s t h i i f u t h i o n d
h i d h a t h y e d t s n g e a o a i o c e n n g l s e r
s o p a h e h b r s u o c a y
w i l l n o t p e n e d t i n e a r t d t o e p o i e e n l b e a u t t i n t w i t s a n d u l d b e o f c a n n o n d p r e t s o w h y i
h r e b m y a n b e n t a y i f a n h t e t h t e c f t
a p p e m e m b u t o s e a d i n i n a n d i n g u l a d b e m y f h a t b e a u e b e h e l p i o u s o r n m a k e
n a e r n c e r c h t h t h e t h i t s n d i n g r i e i s t i f a u t b u i t o w s m
a
n d i t i f i n a a t e l p r o n d w h u l i f t s e I e
t o k r f e n s y u b l s s
I y e d r i n m s p o b c i a i s b e l e c f m e m i
w i l l t b e c o e s I a s a f g t h e o f a i n t i e f o r e o u s t r i c k s b e a o m e t h c a u s e a n d p o m e m b u t I l l t h l e
r e m a u s w i e p s a n o t s : m e h i n e t y u t i i n g i n r e c o r e d o e m
m b e r i t l a c e e e r h e
g s t o b u s f u l l i k e i o u s n o t a n u r e
3
blood that boils by Nastja Nykaza
pick a scab to open up a piece of your skin and ask the inside of your body how it’s doing in there. close it back up and let it heal slower this time so you never forget it’s there. cut your nails, cut your hair, and leave it at that. you will never be as small as you were when you were born. skin stretched so far it won’t bounce back, making room for impact whether you want it or not. young skin will wrinkle if it doesn’t die first.
7
F l a w s
i n
e o o d y d i b m u s e n , v e b e o o d o
t h e
t b a m s i b
h l n y u ’ l
n t c p t a
e x t t i m e o c a t c h t u t o f f m y u t i t i n o y o u i n s t h e
i m g l s m
8
y r e m y
a a n i l i
s e r v i c e
d r i p d r i p n o s e i n t o t h e s i n e c o m e a p a i n t e r i i s a s t o n e r ’ s e y
a n d
i h e n t h b o
w i d e w e s t d r
l l c r o p s b o w m a i l o n i p
t i m e
d r i p o f a k n r e d e a n d t h e s e t t i n g
c o m e a p a i n t e r a n d a n h i s t e e t h t o n i g h t
c h a n g e s t r t e e a n a l f
p o s t
b o y
w i t h
u p m y h a n d s , l a t t h e w r i s t s , b o x d r i p
d r i p
v e l b a c k t o m y o l d h o u s e a n d l l e s t t o e s i n t h e b a t h r o o m i
i ’ m o n p a i n t e d
n g o v e r t h e c o u n t e r , m y b r e a s t s a n d i d o n ’ t w i s h t h e m g o n e y e t r s t b e s t p a i n t i n g i n r e d i n t h e
a r e s i n k
f o d m y f o s o b a
r r i b r m t h
y p e y y r
i a d i n m l i
m d i p m w h k e d o
s t i i w y h h o u a n d y o n ’ t
’ n r n e y i
e a r s d t i m e e a r s m o m o o m d
i
g e t d r i p
u s e d t o o f a
t h e b l o o d y
d r i p n o s e p a s t
i b e c o m e a p a i n t e r i n t h e w o n ’ t s e e t h e l i g h t u n d e r o o r a n d w o r r y o r c r y
l l i n t h a i t f o r d r i p a n d s s e s h o l d s u t o m e e k n o w y o
e d a r k t h e r a i n i n
m y
t o r i e s t u r n e w
t o
n e w o f
a
s t o p b o d y
y o u n g e r
d a r k t h e
d r i p i n m e
m y i ’ d
a d d r e s s .
9
10
11
12
Underwater
Garden
I drown in the deep blue unbreathable To sink beneath the saddened sea Where the forbidden garden neve Where blooming flowers forev b r e a t h e For I swallow sorrows for yo For I descend deep for you For I drown deathly for you You love where death dwel b e a u t y r e m a i n s Hidden in a lonely dream And found in our fondness I exhale--You inhale, tog w h e r e Our ga To To bre By:
r O a a
d u s t
en dr r flo cend he ag
James
o w a a
w e b i
r dies e r u ls
and
lost tied ether
ns r petals bloom ove the waves n with the winds.
Mamuad
13
14
I Might Be Ilia Forkin I might pack 456.25 mg of conjugated equine estrogen, or 1460 mg of 17b-estradiol, or 14.6 mg of ethinyl estradiol, or 36.5 mg of transdermal 17b-estradiol, or 730 pairs of clean panties and live alone in a stone cottage on a cliff in Ireland for two years and every day I’d walk out to the precipice and chop wood and only wear fleece and only eat lamb and sharpen my nails with a skinning knife until one day I’d come back with wide hips and a full chest and leather hands and a stone face and for everyone else it would be like magic or I Might walk into a public park in the winter when nobody is there and dig a deep hole with my fingers - just the right size for me. And when I fit inside and when I picked the muck out from underneath my nails I’d wrap myself tight around the pit of a peach and if I kept real tense and real still, it would sprout right up through my spine and by peach season I’d be doing some sprouting myself and I wouldn’t have a vulva in the traditional sense but I might or I might or I Might, I might strip down after a long run and sneak into an antique store after hours and drape myself in yards and yards of thin lace and as many brass bracelets as I could carry and, feeling a little sexy, I’d blush blood red and show some leg or some hip and if any rustic, straightback, pinewood chairs or midcentury chaise longues saw my little tease well they wouldn’t know the difference but I might or I might or I might, I might, I just might get so frustrated, so infuriated, I might get so angry, and wring my hands and shout and stomp and scream and hiss - and hiss loud and long and vile until I sound like a snake, until I am snake, until the air is gone, until the long muscle connecting my neck to my tail snaps in half and I burst, and the pain would be so big that I would weep, and I would weep and weep and weep and I would weep and I would never forget how to weep again but I might, or I might, I Might, I might, I might, it’s hard to tell sometimes for sure but I might. 15
Ways In Which I’m Not Orange i. I’m chasing after this thing I want to grasp in my fingers, but I can never get it in time. It’s not one some people take for a convenient song or a more convenient beer. It’s warm in my hands and I stopped dancing ii. I say blue and I mean the opposite of that iii. I think I lost my shoes in the crowd, but I can go anywhere now. I try to tell you but it makes me think of my limbs too much and you can’t hear me over the smoke. My hair sticks to the smoke, where it floats to some orange hues iv. I’m thinking about all those people trying not to rip the butcher paper while they sit on it on their exam chairs, waiting for the doctor, who’s coming to tell them something to kill time v. You are sleeping but your glass of orange your face. I want to it with a tide to-go
not in any formal way, you’re dissolving into juice. I want to pour the orange juice on watch it stain your pillowcase and then clean stick
vi. I want to rearrange our furniture but not tell anyone. I want to be knee deep in salt water in the comforts of my living room vii. I want more time to piece this together. I wish I didn’t cut all my clothes viii. There’s this light-post I can only see from my kitchen. When the light fills the room it’s so eerie like someone had turned on a lamp in the room of the god who loves us, who puts his hand over our mouths to stop our crying out
16
ix. I got drunk off of our hotel mini bottles of wine in the courtesy fridge. You filled them up with water when we finished them. x. I sat with all the mini-bottles of water sloshing around in my stomach and wondered what I was feeling exactly xi. In the morning, the artificial light keeps shining down hard on me, cleaving my pointless hangover in half xii. five kiwis, a jar of salsa, a little block of goat cheese, candy wrappers, half a packet of sharp cheese, a jar of coffee. I eat two of your kiwis you left behind and think of all the fruit on your tree that is dead by now xiii. We ran out of strawberries but if we had some left, just one, I’d say let’s sink our teeth in it. We’d eat the whole thing and even the leaf, the green unsalvageable part xiv. I don’t know what’s left after the unsalvageable parts xv. I say nothing and I mean the opposite of that
17
Thank you to our sponsors: Willamette WGS Department Willamette English Department
Gia Dacayanan
gdcayanan@willamette.edu
James Mamuad
jymamuad@willamette.edu
18
Erica Meier
efmeier@willamette.edu