PHOTOGRAPH BY LYNN ALLAN
14
THE DARKHORSE PROJECT
OCTOBER 08’ VOLUME 1 I ISSUE 1 5 EDITOR’S PAGE 7 CONTRIBUTOR’S
COVER STORY
24 GUIDO’S RACECAR
Cover: Guidos Racecar
The Understudy
ALT- DINE AND DASH
Photographed by: Lynn Allen
9 ALCHEMIST THEATER
29 Renaissance Burger
FEATURE
FEATURE
Hair/Creative Director: Michael Potter at Halo
10 CUSTOM CHOPPERS
32 ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED
LOCAL BOOTLEG
WRITERS ON WRITERS
Make up Artist: Keziah Clinkscales at Halo www.halohairspa.com
FEATURE
Many thanks: Colleen Swartz at Digital Magic BigShots www.digitalmagicbigshots.com
INVISIBLE FRIENDS
Cook Custom Chopper’s Custom motorcycle courtesy of Cook Custom Chopper’s
13 EVERYTHING’S JAYK 14 THE DARKHORSE PROJECT 15 PLEXI 3 16 THE RECKLESS HEARTS THE NICE OUTFIT
CLOSET ARTIST 18 RISA MARIE
20 TOBIAH M DEUTSCH 22 JEREMY LOWTHER
33 Abstract: Featuring the Hottest Local Books 34 CRY BULLSHIT 36 HEADLICE
CULTURE QUIZ 38 QUIZ
Clothing contributed by Guido’s Racecar
OCTOBER 08’ chief marketing officer hanna swanson l hswanson@altdash.com creative director e. gallagher l egallagher@altdash.com chief marketing officer eric back l eback@altdash.com chief strategy officer jason altobelli l jaltobelli@altdash.com senior copy editor monica thomas l mthomas@altdash.com copy editor sheri simpson l ssimpson@altdash.com contributors andrea jenels brian mccomb tea krulos hoam rogh
jenna raymond matt borden brian lane euhr mahm
photographers: lynn allen at Blacksheep Photography, www.blacksheep-photography.com april heding colleen swartz at Digital Magic BigShots www.digitalmagicbigshots.com artist bryan dove l bryan_altdash@bdovinci.com www.bdovinci.com sales/advertising information sales@altdash.com general information info@altdash.com
PHOTOGRAPH BY APRIL HEDING
legal legal@altdash.com website www.altdash.com Alt- , Inc. made every effort to present all information accurately, however Alt- , Inc. accepts no liability for any inclusions or advice given or for omissions from the publication. Rights and Permissions for the use of Alt- , Inc. Content Please note that it is necessary to obtain permission prior to the use of any material Alt- , Inc. published online and/or print editions, including material digitized and made available via the Alt- , Inc. website. All materials contained on the site (including, but not limited to text, photographs, video and audio) and in the print edition are protected by copyright as a collective work or compilation under U.S. copyright and other laws, and may not be reproduced, distributed, transmitted, displayed, published, or broadcast without the prior consent of Alt- , Inc.
Thank you for picking up
Alt- Magazine’s
first print edition. We dedicate this first issue to what you can expect to see from us in the future: local musicians, writers, artists, business owners and everything and everyone that makes Milwaukee what it is. When the creators of Alt- sat down to discuss our vision for the content we agreed that the best events/festivals/restaurants/parties/bars were always discovered through word of mouth. We were sick of hearing about the same five artists/musicians/writers. And we wanted some honest feedback: why was I going to spend my hard earned money on something or someone? Alt-Magazine is about those unique aspects of the Milwaukee that are a bit off the beaten path. It could be the world-renown business that likes to keep a low profile (Custom Choppers) or the veteran band with a cult following (Guido’s Racecar). It could be the bartender who is really an artist or the neighbor who got abducted by aliens. In any case, it is why when people ask us how we like living in Milwaukee, we say, “We love it.” We hope to share some of those loves with you. Cheers, Alt- Magazine Staff and Owners You have something in Milwaukee you love? Let us know at our website, www.altdash.com/ milwaukee love
contributors} Born a rebel of all things authoritarian, Andrea “Gooch” Jenels, grew up a shy and quiet child often identifying with the underdog. Upon discovering T. Rex at the ripe age of 20, her life would be forever changed. Realizing there was more to music than the monotonous shit that was fed to her through mainstream American radio, Andrea became an avid fan of collecting vinyl from all genres, past and present. Not belonging to any one “scene” in particular, she is able to appreciate all types of music without passing judgment. Unless you completely suck, that is. ajenels@altdash.com
Hoam Rogh, the young American author insistent upon recognition of anything to go far away from him due to his great wealth, feels his moniker analogous to Mark Twain. Whereas that name meant safe water, the home row is where children across the globe learned to type. Hoam Rogh, the young American author insistent upon recognition of anything to go far away from him due to his great wealth, feels his moniker analogous to Mark Twain. Whereas that name meant safe water, the home row is where children across the globe learned to type. hrogh@altdash.com
April grew up in a boring suburban town of South Eastern Wisconsin where people had too much money, too many children, and not enough fun. When her imagination would not suffice, she traveled to far off places in order to escape the pure monotony of her hometown. Now, she is in yet another monotonous phase in her life, college, and soon hopes to escape that too. In the mean time, she takes photographs, listens to music, reads books, drinks way too much, and spends money she does not have.
TEA KRULOS is a Milwaukee freelance writer and former editor of UnderCurrents. He is also a local comic art advocate. You can see archived material at www. teakrulos.blogspot.com and e-mail him at teakrulos@ gmail.com.
6 l OCTOBER 2008 l CONTRIBUTORS
{contributors Originally from the east coast, Lynn has been in Milwaukee since 2001 and is an avid photographer and artist. You can find some of her photography work at www.blacksheep-photography.com as well as at myspace.com/pndorabx1967. Lynn has always gravitated towards things and people outside of the “mainstream” and to this day still seems to scare people. She resides in Riverwest with her pack of wild dogs.
Combining his love for attention, gravity and commanding privateers, this caffeine addicted extrovert shows disregard for personal safety whenever possible. His hobbies include leprechaun hunting, reverse whistling, and conducting the safe removal/replacement of Plexiglas in older model robots. When passing Mr. McComb on the sidewalk, please kindly pass him on the right side only, as his left eye and ear were damaged in a recent cannon fire incident.
Born, raised and bred in Milwaukee most my life 3 lovely daughters Megan, Lisa and Marina. Still single after all these years. Either I haven’t found miss right or I must be Mr.Wrong. bryan_altdash@bdovinci.com
Jen Why used to be an ultra active and enthusiastic gal. But then she found herself 24 years of age and still not graduated from college. It’s been down hill since then. Currently, she spends most of her free time in her pajamas writing about her own apathy hoping it’ll spark a wave of productiveness. Still waiting. jennaelizr@hotmail.com
CONTRIBUTORS l OCTOBER 2008 l 7
DRINK UP
ALCHEM FUN FACTS l OCTOBER 2008 l 7
lchemist Theatre and Lounge co-owner Aaron Kopec assures that one, “does not have to be an art geek,” to hang out at the smoke-free lounge. Alchemist opened its door last January on Kinnickinnic in the very marrow of Bay View. Unfettered from the ostentation that often wafts from the innards of arts venues, Alchemist is committed to creating an open atmosphere that fosters not just to Milwaukee’s emerging artists but also to the community in which it inhabits. Kopec, along with co-owners, Erica Case, Mike Temple, and Kirk Thomsen have created a space that thrives on evolution. The art on the walls is the exclusive work of local artists and in constant rotation. The performing arts circle includes sketch and improv groups, poetry, karaoke, Family Feud nights, art nights, film fests and screenings and 8 l OCTOBER 2008 l ALCHEMIST THEATER
scripted plays. They’ve also hosted a prom themed fund raiser, a 60s Mod party and a seminar for entertainment attorneys. If someone has a vision, Alchemist provides the space and encouragement to boost a nebulous concept into a resonant and tangible venture. Anyone enthusiastic about their art can find their footing within Alchemist. Indeed, Case affirms that they, “don’t want to be the gatekeepers of what’s creative,” but they do want to provide infinite opportunities to Milwaukee artists in all fields and genres. For those interested in the performing arts, Alchemist has a simple and rewarding fee structure. Groups using the performance space such as, The Gentlemen’s Hour, Broadminded and Insurgent Theatre are able to profit from their creativity and devotion; a rarity among any breed of artist. Another advantage to artists is the intense affinity between groups. Artists who perform and show
IST
Words by Jenna Raymond l Photographs by: April Heding
work at Alchemist, “rely on each other,” for support and collaboration, according to Thomsen. This synergy has created a firm network of roots unto which Alchemist has anchored its future. Less than a year after opening, Kopec, Case, Temple and Thomsen are keen to expand. They have designs on an outdoor lounge and performance space in the near future. Alchemist will have the ability to host several events in a single night as well as preserving the laid back and amiable lounge for those that just want a drink. Kopec points out that all tickets are quite modestly priced, so “if you don’t like it, come back out [to the lounge] and have another drink.” It’s a sentiment that Milwaukeeans can get behind and appreciate. One of the hopes for Alchemist Theatre and Lounge is to make Milwaukee’s art scene more accessible for both
artists and audiences. With a full liquor license on the horizon, they’ve invented several drinks within the bounds of a limited license. Thomsen points out that once visiting the lounge, patrons often get the “inkling to go to theatre.” Alchemist is an inexpensive way to try it out. He also points out that Alchemist’s unique goals and vision provide the “ability to change” how and why Milwaukeeans view art. Alchemist Theatre and Lounge is located at 2569 S. Kinnickinnic, Bay View, WI 53207. For more information about events, artists and performing at Alchemist, visit their websites: www.freewebs.com/alchemistlounge/ and www.alchemisttheatre.com/.
ALCHEMIST THEATRE l OCTOBER 2008 l 9
by: Collen Comb l Photographs
Words by Brian Mc
“
Swartz
It It was was really really hard hard to to get get me me excited, excited, and and when when II saw saw this this black black one one II said, said, ‘now ‘now that’s that’s aa f**king f**king custom custom motorcycle! motorcycle! -J.P. -J.P.
10 l OCTOBER 2008 l CUSTOM CHOPPERS
”
W
When functionality meets art I usually expect to yawn my ass off—but attach a 96” “blockhead” engine to that art and you’ve definitely got my attention. Do I have yours? Good, because it seems that the only people unaware of Milwaukee’s greatest bike builder are the people actually living in Milwaukee, a city practically made famous by Harley Davidson. As I wait outside the shop to meet Dave Cook I get a chance to hang out with his business manager JP Persitza and tour some of Dave’s latest work. Just one look at his trophy-winning polished-nickel bike makes me awestruck, and I start inventing new curses. “It’s fleckin’ awesome,” I blurt out, referring to the S&S Build-off winner. JP seems not to notice and we continue to talk. A graphic designer and self-proclaimed bike snob, JP is a tough guy to impress when it comes to choppers. So hearing him talk about his excitement when he first came across Dave’s bikes was like watching a picky chiva fiend play in a poppy field. “It was a real head turner for me, just impossibly low and just really cool looking,” says JP about Dave’s Black Beauty, “It was really hard to get me excited, and when I saw this black one I said, ‘Now that’s a f**king custom motorcycle!’ Then about a year later I’m at a venue right across from where Dave was, and what is now my bike was sitting out there and I go, ‘Now there’s another bike,’ and sure enough it’s built by the same guy!” The two met later that day, and JP’s enthusiasm couldn’t have been more beneficial. At the time Dave was still just a businessman with a hobby. “I used to own a used car lot,” says Dave. “The customers weren’t the best. Someone brought a gun once and threatened to shoot me…I’d had enough.” His transition from car-lot-owner to pure artist was an easy choice after that but he still needed a push. As fate would have it that chance meeting between JP and Dave opened up a new avenue, and JP decided to set up an environment where Dave could afford to work within his artist mentality. JP gave him a shop next to his graphic design warehouse and Cook Customs was born. That was four years ago. Since then there has been no looking back, and the payoff has been remarkable. With his notably unique custom frames already bringing the riders’ ass ridiculously close to the pavement, Dave’s new artistic freedom has allowed him to develop his ideas further than ever. The result has produced such beauties as his raw-metal finish Miranda bike, the award-winning Nickel bike, and his newest three wheeled project. Dave’s nonchalant brief responses offer little insight to the artistic mind behind his biker façade. As I ask him about his work, his bikes begin to speak for themselves and answer any question about his level of talent. Just seeing his work in person and remembering the photos I’ve seen scattered across the covers of magazines such as Easyriders or American Iron makes it hard to believe that Dave has ever done anything in life other than build custom motorcycles. Dave’s work proves that the best kind of art is the kind you can take to the open road. www.myspace.com/cookcustoms
CUSTOM CHOPPERS l OCTOBER 2008 l 11
SHANK HALL CALENDAR
October Fri. October 3, 8pm Uli Jon Roth-$25
Fri. October 17, 8pm ? Steve Grimm
Sat. October 4, 8pm Uptown Savages, The Invaders-$10
Sat. October 18, 8pm Stephen Kellogg and the Sixers, Serena Ryder$15 smoke free
Sun. October 5, 8pm Peter Hammill (of Van der Graaf Generator)’ -$30 smoke free
Sun. October 19, 8pm Melissa Ferrick-$15 smoke free
Wed. October 8, 8pm Solas $20
Fri. October 24, 8pm Douglas Acres-$10
Thur. October 9, 8pm From Limerick, Ireland “Seneca”-$10
Sat. October 25, 10pm Pat McCurdy $6
Sat. October 11, 8pm Paul Cebar Tomorrow Sound-$10 smoke free
Fri. October 31-Trampled By Turtles 8pm $15
November Sat. November 1, 8pm Jason Isbell and the 400 Unit-$16
Sat. November 15, 9pm Southbound (Allman Brothers tribute)-$7
Sun. November 2, 8pm Jeffrey Foucault, Kris Delmhorst-$15 smoke free
Wed. November 19, 8pm Ingram Hill $10
Fri. November 7, 8pm The Gourds-$15 Sat. November 8, 8pm? Rumbleseat-Price? Sun. November 9, 8pm Bob Schneider-$20 Fri. November 14, 8pm? My Mourning Belle-price?
december
Fri. November 2, 8pm The Good Hex-price Sat. November 22, 8pm? JJ Grey and Mofro-$20 Fri. November 28, 10pm Pat McCurdy-$6 Sat. November 29, 8pm Think Floyd USA-$15 advance $18 door
Wed. December 10, 8pm John Jorgenson Quartet-$20
Sat. December 20, 8pm? 5 Card Studs Holiday Extravaganza
Mon. December 15, 7pm The Sleighriders-price?
Sun. December 21, 7pm Acoustic Christmas -$10 smoke free
Fri. December 19, 8pm Paul Cebar Tomorrow Sound and De La Buena-$10 Smoke-free
Sat. December 27, 10pm Pat McCurdy-$6
Street Parking Available · All shows 21 and older · For more information www.shankhall.com ·Tickets available at the Shank Hall box office, all Ticketmaster outlets, Ticketmaster.com by phone 414.276.4545. 1434 N Farwell Ave · Milwaukee, WI 53202 · 414.276.7288
{local bootleg
EVERYTHING’S JAYK
TEXT BY BRIAN MCCOMB I PHOTOGRAPH BY APRIL HEDING
With his short dark hair and long drooping bangs, the words “cheer up emo kid” nearly leap from my mouth as I shake his hand. The local musician simply known as Jayk has an initial appearance that would easily mistake him for a typical indie scenester. The difference is that this 24-year-old Milwaukee artist actually lives the scene. Armed with a brilliant voice, infectious personality, and an upcoming album, Jayk has quickly hurled himself away from the open mic and toward the open road. You’re currently working on your debut album “Everything Ever” but you have already been on tour? A couple of times. It’s odd touring without a product to sell, I can say that. It is real weird. I have a lot of friends in the action sports community, like X-Games medalists and stuff. I did what was basically a mobile X-Games tour with Mountain Dew called the “Action Sports Tour” [AST Dew Tour]. Through friends I got put on that and I played all over the country in this thing they had set up called “House of Dew”. That was amazing. I met Dave Mira one year. It was crazy. When was your last tour? The last tour was “Local Exposure.” It was about a year ago. That one was in the Southwest. We were in New Mexico, Arizona, California… it was a real short one, like three weeks and it was super cool.
What was best about going the road? Just getting away. It’s just like a vacation, you know. You’re being put up at hotels and experiencing new things. A lot of people have to work for months to be able to go and do something like that, to go take a vacation. When someone just gives me a call and says they want to send me out there, and I’m able to do that, to travel and see the world on someone else’s pocket… The crazy thing is that they give you a per diam, but at most of the places we went, the people were so happy to see us and they had catering set up anyway so all you had to spend your money on was going out and partying (laughs). Just being lucky enough to go and do that though is the most rewarding thing. What’s kept you from putting an album out sooner? That’s a good question. Money…it’s a real tricky thing when you have people who come in with large amounts of money and they expect something from you. You have your own opinions about what kind of art you want to make and they have their own opinions about what they want out of you. It’s just hard to find a midpoint… sometimes you’ve got to burn a bridge or walk away from something that just doesn’t feel right. We’re getting there now though and in August we’ll be finished. www.myspace.com/thatjaykwhosings Catch Jayk’s extended interview online at www.altdash.com
EVERYTHING JAYK l OCTOBER 2008 l 13
local bootleg} WORDS BY ANDREA JENELS I PHOTOGRAPHY BY LYNN ALLEN
THE DARK HORSE PROJECT Departing from the ever so common bubblegum punk outfits and Indie bands Milwaukee has to offer, The Dark Horse Project delivers a post-punk Goth revival, led by singer/ songwriter Liv Mueller. Formed in 2006 after Liv’s 9-year run with The Lovelies, she teamed up with bassist Josh Rickun and drummer Dan Niedziejko to create the romantic Goth-influenced group. Dark but thoughtful lyrics mixed with moody rhythms fill their 2006 self-titled album, which feature tracks “Danger,” “Haunted Face,” and “Dark Horse.” Swarthy guitars and haunting vocals (reminiscent of Mazzy Star crossed with Sousxie Sioux) leave a deliriously lasting impression on listeners. Garnering approval while promoting with local shows over the past year, The Dark Horse Project has quickly become known as Mil-
14 l OCTOBER 2008 l LOCAL BOOTLEG
waukee’s “most underrated” band. If you haven’t yet picked up their delicious debut CD, do yourself a favor and buy a copy today. www.cdbaby.com/cd/darkhorseproject www.myspace.com/thedarkhorseproject
{local bootleg WORDS BY ANDREA JENELS I PHOTOGRAPHY BY LYNN ALLEN
THE PLEXI-3 Milwaukee’s newest and thriving Mod/Punk outfit, Plexi 3, are already making waves throughout the local rock scene. Sporting striped shirts, 60’s mod haircuts, beetle boots, and the odd Germs tattoo, this threesome is bringing back the charm of the simple pop ditty, all with the style and demeanor of “punks-gone-mod”. With songs averaging around three minutes, Plexi 3 wastes no time in getting their point across to listeners. Guitarist and lead singer Wendy Norton delivers her parts in a way which exemplifies the bands obsession with 60’s mod-cool and 70’s punk-abandon. Ryan King, former front man in The Kill-a-watts, is positioned in this format as drummer (as all lead-men are secretly drummers anyway). Pounding away in the back with true belief, Ryan insures that the group’s tempos don’t slide the material into pure nostalgia (immediacy is intact my friends). To the right of Wendy is Adam Weird, the one man wrecking crew formerly of The Mechanics of Romance, thudding away on bass and hitting the odd harmony with class, as any power-pop band of worth manages to do once or twice during a set. According to Wendy,
The punks in Milwaukee don’t think we’re punk enough, and the guitar school bands don’t think we’re polished enough, so we’re not really embraced by either scene. We write too well of songs to be punk and at the same time our music is too abrasive to be considered power-pop, but in reality we are friends with people in both categories, so I guess we lie somewhere in between. Well whatever category you put the Plexi 3 in, one thing is for sure; in their set assures that simplicity equals exuberance. www.myspace.com/plexi3
LOCAL BOOTLEG l OCTOBER 2008 l 15
local bootleg} WORDS BY: ANDREA JENELS I PHOTOGRAPHY BY LYNN ALLEN
THE RECKLESS HEARTS Former members of The Danger and The Jet Set came together in early 2008 to create this hard-hitting power pop quartet. With influences including The Buzzcocks, T. Rex, and The Byrds, The Reckless Hearts deliver a full-on exploration of Mod, Soul, Punk, and 60’s inspired pop on their soon-to-be released debut album. From the glam/punk vocal styling on the opening track “Personal Property” to the gentle crooning on the all too familiar personal growth story told through “Yer a Blur,” The Reckless Hearts take listeners on a melodic joyride that will have you unabashedly singing, clapping, and humming melodies for days. Members Thomas Calkins III (guitar & vocals), Ian Lund (bass & voice), Jered Piencikowski (drums), and Joel Kopp (guitar) are no strangers to the rock scene, with over 200 shows amassed between them. Fans of the latter will be pleasantly surprised by the range of genres covered on The Reckless Heart’s new material including special guest vocals by Liv Mueller of The Dark Horse Project. The self-recorded album was done in the band’s own studio, Room Zero Recording, located in Kenosha, WI. www.therecklesshearts.com www.myspace.com/roomzero
THE NICE OUTFIT Summoning the essence of latter day power-pop groups such as The Undertones, The Kinks, and The Buzzcock’s, Milwaukee’s own The Nice Outfit, delivers an assemblage of 60’s inspired harmonies, groovy hand-claps, and undeniably catchy surf rock riffs. Since forming as a side project in 2002, Paul Wall and Terry Hackberth (boasting Trolley fame), have been pumping out chimey Mod/Pop ditties packed with punch. Live and on wax, The Nice Outfit is nothing short of an adrenaline rush with their amped-up British Invasion style, most evident on the group’s early 2008 release of the 4-song EP “Kissing Jocelyn”. The title track “Kissing Jocelyn” is revved with jangly guitars and an irresistible backbeat that will leave you bopping your head and wondering just who this Jocelyn is. www.myspace.com/niceoutfit
16 l OCTOBER 2008 l LOCAL BOOTLEG
1669 N. Farwell Milwaukee, WI. 53202 414.271.8590
CLOSET ARTIST}
[TOBIAH DEUTSCH]
18 l OCTOBER 2008 l CLOSET ARTIST
{CLOSET ARTIST The Art: Skate Rats Medium: Photography Visions: Trying to capture the unique characters within the skate industry Similar to: Inspiration from Richard Avedon’s “In the American West” project Five Words Describe your Work: action, documentary, thought, technical, progressing What Era do you compare your work to: modern photography?
Background:
School: BA in Communication from UW-Milwaukee; took photography classes at UW-Eau Claire and UW-Milwaukee, no formal degree, mostly self taught What got you into it: My father had a camera that he used when I was young. I wanted to document what I saw my friends doing, so I picked it up and started shooting. I also had a very inspirational photo instructor at UW-EC in David Hanson. Years doing what you do: 8 Shows: I haven’t had many at this point… UW-Eau Claire Annual Spring Juried, 2002; UW-Milwaukee Annual Spring Juried, 2003 & 2004. Mentors: Being mostly self taught, I haven’t had any real photo mentors. I aspire to those whom I look up to. Two friends, John Lewis and Colin Crowley, have been art “mentors” for me. I love the action and documentation of a handful of action sports photographers.
Current:
Projects: Continued documentation of action sports communities, to document society’s juxtaposition against, and union with nature and capturing fleeting moments of urban society overtaking rural small town America. Shows: None… Obsession: In between trying to freeze moments in time, I’ve been learning to play guitar, watching baseball, spending time with family, and trying to not “grow up”.
Future:
Dreams: I would love to support myself and my family solely on photography someday. What is success to you: To be successful, I want capture images that I love to stare at all day, every day regardless of what others think. Projects: Continued work on current projects. I’m going to leave my door open to whatever projects might find me.
Loves:
Favorite Artist: Grant Brittian, Skin Phillips, Trevor Graves, Richard Avedon, Mary Ellen Mark, Rodney Smith Favorite Hang out: My couch, Lake Owen Camp, Jo-Ma-Koch Lodge Favorite Subject: Philosophy of all sorts Shout out To: Melissa & Eli, the Milwaukee skate community, Mom & Dad, and all my friends Final Word: Thank you for the opportunity to showcase my work in ALT-! www.tobiahdeutsch.com Email: deutsch@uwm.edu
CLOSET ARTIST l OCTOBER 2008 l 19
CLOSET ARTIST} The Art:
Medium: I primarily work with… pen and ink, chalk/oil pastel, acrylic/oil paint, and charcoal. Visions: To create positive change with my art. Whatever is that I’m doing, I want to uplift my audience and get them excited and focused on the beautiful things in life amongst all the ugliness. Similar to: Norman Rockwell’s vision for a better America. He once said: “ I unconsciously decided that, even if it wasn’t an ideal world, it should be and so painted only the ideal aspects of it - pictures in which there are no drunken slatterns or selfcentered mothers... only foxy grandpas who played baseball with kids and boys who fished from logs and got up circuses in the backyard.” Five Words to describe your work: Unique, vibrant, eye-catching, symbolic, and fun. Prices: Based on hours put in to the piece and materials used. My portrait drawings are between $225 and $750.
[RISA MARIE]
Background: School: Perpich Center for the Arts Education (PCAE) Degree: High School Diploma Milwaukee Institute of Art & Design Degree: BFA in Illustration expected in 2009. What got you into it: It is more like. I was born into it. My mom and dad are both artists. They actually spent a period of time before I was born working on a comic series together directed towards children. Mentors: My mom. She has always been there for me. She is both my cheerleader and my coach.
Current:
Projects: Today I am working at Betty Brinn Children’s Museum in Milwaukee as their arts program director and teacher. I teach children different art techniques three times a week for two hours. I am also planning my thesis show. My idea for my thesis is to create several illustrations that will each become a wrap around Milwaukee’s city buses. These illustrations will show positive encouragement for citizens of Milwaukee to feel good about riding the bus. I want everyone to know that riding the bus is wonderful for the environment (by taking cars of the road). Obsession: I am currently working on taking REELMAN, my dad’s comic, out of hibernation. Only this time, I am the Super Hero: REEL GIRL, REELMAN’s daughter. My main message is: It doesn’t matter if Global Warming is real or not, but why not be motivated to create an environment that is sustainable and healthy for humans and the earth.
Future:
What is success to you: For me, success is being able to make life better for someone or everyone. I don’t want to leave this world and never make a difference!!! I feel that we all have a purpose, and we should fulfill that purpose. Today, I feel successful with the work I’m doing at Betty Brinn Children’s Museum because I am using my talent to inspire a spark of ambition to create something in a child. And I know they benefit from that and I am able to do that for them. That’s success.
20 l OCTOBER 2008 l CLOSET ARTIST
{CLOSET ARTIST Loves:
Favorite Artist: Mucha is my favorite artist from the Art Nouveau movement. And my favorite artist of all time is Seurat, he invented the technique that I am known for doing: POINTILLISM! making an entire image from single dots. Favorite Hang out: Chillin at the lake around sunset. Shout out To: Katelyn Horton, I met her at orientation for PCAE in Minnesota, and we both decided to further our education at MIAD. At both schools, I looked up to Katelyn, not only as a smart and beautiful person, but also as the most talented artist I ever personally knew. She was gifted beyond words, and everyone who has ever gotten the chance to know her was touched by her spirit and love for others. Her dream was to become an art therapist and help people in need. But sadly, her life was taken away too soon on February 24th 2008. To this day I am still in shock, along with her family and other close friends. I want to “shout out”/recognize Katelyn as a profound artist that the world will unfortunately never meet. We have been there for each other 100 percent while being friends, and now, after losing her I feel like I need to give 200% back into the world. I need to work twice as hard to make up for the good Katelyn would have done. And I hope that anyone who as lost someone special can agree with that concept. www.coroflot.com/Risa_marie www.myspace.com/Risa_marie Email: Illustrations@Risamarie.com Catch Risa Marie’s full interview at www.altdash.com.
CLOSET ARTIST l OCTOBER 2008 l 21
CLOSET ARTIST}
[JEREMY LOWTHER]
22 l OCTOBER 2008 l CLOSET ARTIST
{CLOSET ARTIST The Art: Medium: Mixed Visions: I spent a lot of time with my father’s old collection of golden age comic books. I guess that mixed with punk rock is what my vision is. Similar to: My wife thinks my illustration style is similar to Shannon Wheeling, the artist who created Too Much Coffee Man. I hadn’t even thought of it but I think that’s pretty accurate. Five words to describe your work: Weird cartoons with cynical undertones. Prices: My prices range from $50 to $500 currently. What Era do you compare your work to: The future. Background: School: I’m on an indefinite hiatus. What got you into it: My parents owned a print shop, which gave me plenty of access to a free copying machine after school. I spent much of my time growing up trying to print my own comics and that pushed me toward using crosshatching in my illustrations. Years doing what you do: I’ve been creating artwork since childhood, but my style has been pretty consistent for the past 6 years. Shows: I’ve shown at Frame in Johnstown, PA, Las Manos Gallery in Chicago, IL, and Kunzelmann-Esser Lofts here in Milwaukee. My last show was at Moct for a show called Childhood Revisited. Mentors: As far as my personal development in art goes, my parents. If it weren’t for my parents convincing me at a young age that my crayon scribbles were great, who knows what I’d be doing now. Current: Projects: I’ve been working mostly on freelance illustration work. I had a project where I was attempting to create 365 sketches in a year. Unfortunately, like most New Years Resolutions, I didn’t see it through to the end. I have a few of the sketches I finished on my website. Shows: I currently don’t have any lined up, but if you’d like to show my work, let me know. Obsession: I’m pretty obsessive about music. I have a record label that I’ve been working with randomly that I like to put releases out on. It’s called Friends Make Records and I’ve put out releases from a lot of obscure bands from Pennsylvania. The only band that I’ve worked with that is still around is called Endless Mike and the Beagle Club. You should check them out. Future: Dreams: My dream is to collect all the projects I have floating around in my head and then find a way to make them work. What is success to you: Taking an idea from the beginning to the end regardless of the outcome. Projects: Lately I’ve just been doing some freelance illustration and trying to build up my collection of work. Loves: Favorite Artist: Probably a toss up between Jay Ryan and Sam Keith. The diner in Brady Street Pharmacy Favorite Subject: Music Shout out to: Angie Lowther, Jack Pettit and Elizabeth Brophy www.jeremylowther.com www. myspace.com/jeremylowther Email: mailto:info@jeremylowther.com
CLOSET ARTIST l OCTOBER 2008 l 23
“
Great songs. Great live performances.
”
Hopefully a few outstanding records.
We couldn’t stop now if we wanted to. WORDS BY ANDREA JENELS I PHOTOGRAPHY BY LYNN ALLEN
24 l OCTOBER 2008 l GUIDO’S RACECAR
”
ith a 5 song EP already released this year, a full-length album on the way, 2 songs being featured in an upcoming horror flick, and nonstop live shows, Guido’s Racecar is far from lacking in the ingenuity department. Despite a few line-up changes, creative differences, and on-stage bickering, the band is back in full-swing and ready to take Milwaukee along for the ride. Originally formed in 1998 by singer/songwriter Roni Alwaise, Guido’s Racecar quickly took on a life of its own. With the addition of Mike Sloan on guitar and Lane Klozier on drums, the songs practically began writing themselves. For a brief moment it seemed as if they were unstoppable. But in the tradition of any feral rock band, Guido’s Racecar came to a halt in 2002 after an exhausting year filled with live shows fueled by booze and egos. It came to a head at the now infamous “break up show” that left one member in the emergency room. The band decided to take a break and regroup. Guido’s Racecar was soon after discovered by producer Mike Hoffman who not only got Guido in the studio to begin recording, but also picked up the reigns on bass. With many hours logged in the studio and the finishing touches on their soon to be released debut album, Guido’s Racecar once again found themselves in a predicament. Creative differences led to another departure from the band just moments before the album was to be released. After halting production on “Real Fast” in 2005, the addition of Mike Hoffman on Guitar and Johnny Washday on bass, was just the push Guido needed to press on. In early 2008 the 5 song EP “Dirty Little Whore” was released as a tease in conjunction with the re-recorded “Real Fast” to be released later this year. As Guido’s Racecar approach the
10-year mark, Alt- Magazine had a chance to sit down with founding members Roni Alwaise and Lane Klozier for a little Q&A.
stuff while waiting in line for cheeseburgers. RA: As long as life lends itself to our soundtrack…there will always be new material.
Alt: Let’s just get this out of the way: how did the name “Guido’s Racecar” come about?
Alt: Guido’s Racecar has a pretty unique sound, sort of Goth, sort of bluesy, sort of Cow Punk/Country; is that mesh of different styles a combination of personalities and preferences or was that post-punk sound kind of your aim?
LK: I think Guido is Roni’s imaginary friend from childhood. Apparently he has a racecar. RA: Bands are vehicles…mine is a racecar…there are no lines on the road & we go around in circles…REAL FAST. Alt: Guido’s Racecar has been around Milwaukee for almost 10 years now. How has the band developed and changed over the past decade? LK: Roni and Sloan started writing songs in ‘98. I joined the band in 2000. We broke up hard in 2002 after causing quite a stir but we were still in touch and somewhat intact, resurfacing here and there and doing some recording. We brought in Dan Reed on bass in ‘06 for a reunion show and Mike Hoffmann “discovered” us. After about a year into the “Real Fast” record, Sloan headed out west and things grinded to a halt. The record sounded so good and I didn’t want the band to just fade away, so I got Johnny (who was playing with me in The Buggs) to join up and we continued recording adding new material and revisiting the previous tracks. Mike was the perfect fit on guitar. It all seemed so serendipitous and we have just stuck with this line-up. The chemistry now is fabulous. Alt- “Dirty Little Whore” was released earlier this year, and the album “Real Fast” (originally conceived back in 2005) is about to be revisited, is it still the original material or have you been writing new material to incorporate? LK: We are constantly in the creative process. We write new
LK: Well we don’t do anything “on purpose.” I think our uniqueness comes from our willingness to ignore parameters and our sound has come about based on Roni’s genius and our ability to tap into that musically. RA: Guido has become its own entity stylistically…we all work for Guido. Alt- You guys have a song(s) being featured in the independent horror film “Brutal” being shown in Milwaukee at The Downer Theatre on October 30, 2008—how did you become involved in that? RA: Writer/Director Nuna Minch is a friend of Guido’s. He’s shot video for us in the past & we’ve done shows together with his band NUNA. Our song “Intentions” is in there & we do a cover of the Jefferson Airplane song “White Rabbit.” I also have a small role in the film. Alt- Ten years is a long time for a band to stay together and you guys have had your share of hardships over the years. Do you find it difficult to separate yourselves from being friends to essentially being co-workers? LK: We strive to keep our friendship separate from our music (which is our business). It’s impossible to do at every turn… but we try. We just keep looking at the songs. We love them just as much as we love each other. RA: We have had a much harder
GUIDO’S RACECAR l OCTOBER 2008 l 25
cont. pagepage 25 24 cont. from time in the past keeping focused due to personal & creative differences…(hence the changes in the line-up over the years). But now we do alright…we found the right group of people & we all have a pretty positive outlook. Alt: Has Guido’s Racecar done any major touring or has plans to do so in the future?
RA: We haven’t done any major roadwork yet, but it’s coming soon. We’ve all been around and seen a lot of different scenes. Playing your hometown is always a bitch. It’s hard to compare Milwaukee’s scene to others because it’s ours. For better or worse, you get jaded. Chicago and Madison have been kind to us. LK: We have our sights on New York and Europe. Once “Real Fast” is officially re-
leased, we will probably (like everyone else) target the areas where our distribution is heaviest. Alt- What can people expect form Guido’s Racecar in the future? GRC: Great songs. Great live performances. Hopefully a few outstanding records. We couldn’t stop now if we wanted to.standing records. We couldn’t stop now if we wanted to.
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A contemporary blend of food and wine Garden Patio Opening this Summer
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Marijuana Policy Project • Jayk • Guido’s Racecar • The Nice Outfit • The Reckless Hearts • The Dark Horse Project • Plexi 3 Amazing and indispensable Alt- Staff
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5921 West Vliet Street Milwaukee • 414.479.0620 Tues - Thurs 5-10pm, Fri & Sat 5-11pm Sunday Brunch 10am-2:30pm
28 l OCTOBER 2008 l ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED
{Dine and dash
er: g r u B e c n a s s i a Ren l’s John Roepke Nite Ow
Barney WORDS BY Brian
Y I PHOTOGRAPH
In 1947, the southeast side of Milwaukee was a sleepy part of town. Mitchell Field serviced a few flights a day and the now bustling intersection of Howell & Layton had no traffic lights. It was also the year that Ralph Roepke opened the Nite Owl drive-in restaurant. The name was fitting as they were open until 2 a.m. Although it was somewhat removed from the heart of the city, business was good and they became a popular spot serving up two hot dogs for 25 cents. Riders from a nearby stable would often hitch their horses out back and cool off with a 5 cent root beer. In 1957, Ralph’s sons John and Bill took over. Bill retired in 2004, but John is still at it, coming in every morning and slicing onions, preparing for another day’s business. With the oncoming of fast-food chains that now litter the area, they are now open only from spring to late fall, opting not to compete with the winter loss leader tactics of the large franchises. The food is a Nirvana for lovers of traditional take out dining. The burgers are made-to-order behemoths. The crinkle-cut fries and truck tire onion rings are items that would no doubt grace the list of many able to order their last meal on earth. While the accolades for the food could go on and on, the real story behind Nite Owl is John Roepke.
BY Jack Roepke
Raised in the inner city, Roepke’s dedication to hard work and community service is an inspiration. For years now, he has used the winter months to contribute to society in many ways. Bantering between mentoring troubled youths, counseling inmates and helping out with his local parish, his efforts seem tireless. His business itself services the area by employing young people, instilling the value of hard work and the rewards that come from it. Over 400 students have worked there, many who have gone on to become pillars of the community. It seemed a bit surreal talking to this man in a paper hat, frying burgers who expounded on the virtues of education, the fine arts, and the need of compassion and acceptance for society’s disenfranchised. What is the secret to Nite Owl’s success? We never were in this to become millionaires. We’ve had our ups and downs but we’ve always had a “stick to it” attitude. When times change, we adapt. We have a unique product and back it up with good service. People will always come back for that. What drives you to spend your winter contributing so much? The system takes a lot of good people who have made mistakes and just discards
them. There are a lot of folks out there that just haven’t had the chance to find out what life has to offer. If they were exposed to things like higher education, art, ballet…whatever, just think of what they could become and how we’d all benefit from it. People are just like anything else. You only get out of it what you put into it. Has Nite Owl ever had any famous customers? Well, we have a lot of the city’s famous people like Bud Selig and Herb Kohl that are regulars. We like to think that all our customers are famous (laughs). In the early 70’s we did serve an order to Elvis while he was waiting for a flight at Mitchell Field. Good food, ambience, local history… whatever your reason to stop at Nite Owl may be, the proof is in the pudding (or burger). You will get a great meal with fast and courteous service. Whether dining in or taking out, your food is served hot (so hot you’ll need to let it cool down a little before you take your first bite) and just the way you ordered it. Try that one at Mickey D’s and see how far you’ll get. Nite Owl 830 E Layton Ave Milwaukee, WI 53207
RENAISSANCE BURGER l OCTOBER 2008 l 29
ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED,
PART 1: THERE ARE DANGEROUS THINGS OUT THERE words by By Tea Krulos l illustrations by Jason Groschopf
JUNE 2007 (EARTH CALENDAR) APPLETON/OUTER SPACE “Stacey Doe” had just returned from Denver, Colorado and went out to her porch to light up a cigarette. She inhaled deeply on the cool summer night. Her house, just off the highway on the north side of Appleton, is not far from a strip club named Beansnappers. In the backyard, her dogs barked. A light caught her eye and she lifted her head skyward. The sky was filled with spacecrafts and flashing lights flying in formation. She heard a hum as a tiny craft, the size of a bird, passed by her on the porch displacing the cigarette smoke. It was so close she could have touched it. She doesn’t remember what happened next but she was on one of the crafts. There was a blue neon device over her head; in front of her hung a screen displaying an x-ray of her brain and she could see implants in her skull. A human agent working for the aliens lifted her off the table. The aliens had completed a surgery in which they had fitted her with special eye lenses. Her eyes felt terrible the entire next week, “like sandpaper.” She doesn’t remember what happened next. She was home but the unusual events were far from over.
AUGUST 5 2008 (EARTH CALENDAR) APPLETON “Stacey Doe” told me this was not the first time she had been abducted. She said she has been abducted at least ten times, going back to when she was nine years old. Her daughter has been abducted and two of her unborn children were stolen from this planet. We exchanged several e-mails and talked on the phone a few times. Well, she talked and talked and I listened. She said a lot of things. Aliens had threatened her with a ray gun. There was an alien bounty on her head and her neighbors were part of an alien conspiracy against her well-being. And her house is located in the middle of a UFO base. She explained “the hole in the middle of a donut,” and everyone around her was in on the conspiracy. One of her neighbors had Bigfoot creatures chained up in their yard and
30 l OCTOBER 2008 l ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED
the creatures stunk like skunk mixed with musk ox. She said she was in contact with a light being named “Sam.” “I was sent here by God,” she said, “and I am a ‘white-lighter,’ ‘walk-in,’ ‘Indigo mother’ and born a ‘Star Child’. We agreed to come here to help the people on Earth/Terra.” I didn’t know the meaning of those terms but she didn’t stop talking so I didn’t ask. She saw people transported in plastic spheres up to a UFO and once saw an alien in her indoor pool. I told her I wanted to visit her in Appleton with my friend and colleague, Groschopf. Groschopf has long had a skeptical interest in all things paranormal and was helpful in writing this article. “Stacey” was concerned about us visiting. She was afraid we would be abducted or worse: executed, by aliens. She wanted to know our next of kin in case we met death in Appleton, warning us that they were watching her house, armed with ray guns that had three settings: stun, kill, and vaporize. She was protected from the aliens by God. If our faith was not strong, she said, Groschopf and I would surely be vaporized by the aliens. We would not even make it down the street to Beansnappers before we died. We decided not to go to Appleton. Groschopf was having car troubles and to be honest, “Stacey” was freaking me out. I told “Stacey” we were too young to die and she said she understood. APRIL 19 2008 (Earth Calendar) Bay View Library “We estimate between 4 and 6 million people are abducted weekly,” said Bill Burt, State Director for the International Community for Alien Research (ICAR). That is a pretty impressive number compared to the people who have shown up for this meeting: two—me and Groschopf. Burt admits we have smashed his attendance record. At his first meeting, only one person accidentally stumbled into the meeting. A second meeting was cancelled due to a snowstorm. The Alt- editors spotted a posting on Craigslist for this meeting that sent me down a rabbit hole or maybe up a gravity beam from which I may never recover.
Aliens should check if their pants are on fire because they’re filthy liars. “If you ask them what star they’re from, they’ll lie and make up a fake star. So, how can you trust them?” Aliens can “download” info into your brain. “It feels like five or six pails of information have been dumped into your head. Your head hurts and you’re unsure what to do with the information,” Burt said. It also describes how I felt at this meeting. Tips for field work: Carry a disposable camera with you at all times. Don’t remove anything from the scene. Wear safety glasses and gloves when handling extraterrestrial material. It is likely most people with red hair in the medical field are aliens or agents working for aliens that do prep and recovery work on abductees.
On our way to the meeting, I told Groschopf we couldn’t sit next to each other because I might burst out into fits of laughter. To make matters worse, I am recovering from a painful boil on my ass and Doc Feelgood at the free clinic has given me some high octane pain pill poppers that have made me drowsy and ultra mellow yellow. I walk in first and sure enough, no one else was there except Bill Burt eating a giant Big Mac. He was crammed into a peach T-shirt and baseball cap. This was exactly what I didn’t want. I was hoping for more people to add more interest to the story and act as cover so I could blend in. I sat in the front row and Groschopf came in and grabbed a seat near the back of the room. Burt has a single handout, a list of recommended websites. He has an unnaturally slow and deep voice that sounds like it’s been digitally altered to protect his identity. Here are some note s on what Burt had to say. Burt feels aliens are bad. “There’s no evidence to the contrary,” he said. “There are other things out there. Other dangerous things out there.” Burt admits he himself has not experienced abduction. “UFO’s are the most sought topic on the internet,” Burt said. “Second is porn.” There are several known races of aliens. You’ve got your White’s, Grey’s, Tall Grey’s, Black’s, Reptilian’s, Shadow’s, and more.” “Aliens communicate through telepathy so they are ten steps ahead of you,” Burt said.
For most of these theories, there is no way I can take them for a test ride except the last one. I did later find a redheaded woman working in the medical profession. We’ll call her “Redhead X” to protect her from extraterrestrial retaliation. Redhead X has just graduated from medical school, hopes to be a medical assistant and someday go into pediatric nursing. She claims her red hair is a result of her Irish lineage. Is she an alien or alien agent? “Not that I know of,” she laughed. “Not that I remember. But if I was working for an alien agency, I wouldn’t tell you. So who knows, I could be.” At the library, in the middle of the meeting, Groschopf suddenly got up and left. I got a text a few minutes later telling me he was down the street at the Hi Fi Café and I should meet him there when I’m done. “I just couldn’t take it anymore,” he told me later at the café. Meanwhile, I was sitting there face-to-face with Bill Burt, my drowsy, downer-induced self trying to wrap my head around intergalactic anarchy. A woman randomly walked in and started rambling on about things unrelated to UFOs and I decided to leave to go meet Groschopf. As I’m leaving, Burt encouraged me to attend an event the following month: a talk by super conspiracy theorist Jim Marrs, author of Alien Agenda. (Conspiracy spoiler: you will cross paths with Marrs again before this article is over). The talk will be in Black River Falls and will be followed by a “sky watch” from dusk until midnight. I regretfully didn’t make it to the event. I rendezvoused with Groschopf at Hi Fi and he was not impressed with Bill Burt and his theories. Things are soon going to take a right turn at Yugoslavia and head straight toward the Shadow realm as we prepared to meet a different group: UFO2U. Read the exciting conclusion along with these web exclusive bonus features at www . altdash. com: Alienated and Abducted, Part 2: I found an alien and Jesus Christ*Who the <bleep> is Jim Marrs? *Wisconsin UFO History *Interview with skepchick.com *What to do in a Reptilian Attack *photos *bibliography
There are alien bases on Mars, the dark side of the moon, and underneath bodies of water on Earth.
ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED l OCTOBER 2008 l 31
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{WRITERS ON WRITERS
High above the city of Milwaukee rest powerful law offices. The lawyers inside have no neighbors that weren’t given the power of flight by God. Ducks and other flying things unwittingly soar past some of the sharpest knives in our city’s drawer. People must be sharp to get ahead in the world, and the lawyers in the towering offices are just that. They are so sharp that not only can they see a thing’s meaning, but also the meaning of that thing: they can see two things—no matter how strikingly similar those things appear to what lawyers call ‘laypeople’. The ability to tell a mystery requires that exact skill, the ability to see two things. First, that writing is personally rewarding; and second, it’s so much more than that. People with this ability need offices that provide views of flying, or ambulatory, wildlife and clouds–an office so high up in the clouds that the people below look like ants. This climate is needed for one damned good reason: it must be pretty fucking quiet to focus on being really fucking clear on meaning. Lawyers read rules all day long; they make technically correct arguments from those rules; then, such arguments convince
judges and legislatures on matters relevant to Wisconsin Law. It is a life firmly ground in truth, honesty, and reality. Very real things go into making an unreal thing, fiction, seem more believable. A local lawyer used the grasp on reality given to him from his profession and wrote the best book to come out of Milwaukee since… since…well, I don’t know. Seriously, please tell me about the great local novels out there. I want to review them. The column is ‘Writers on Writers’ for a reason, because the title ‘local writers on local writers’ did not sound as snappy. Please submit the books you’ve written or refer me to local authors that you like. More information on how to submit your work follows the review. Mike Bowen practices law in one of those offices high above Milwaukee. From there, he can look down on his setting and dream up another one of his great mystery novels. He is a guy that knows how to approach writing fiction. He believes that good fiction is honest, and illustrates his ability to see two things by explaining, “Fiction is truth liberated from the tyranny of fact.” Fiction is both honest and fact-free truth. Writing is much more than being personally rewarding; it is terribly complex and confusing. Bowen does not disappoint if you are looking for a highbrow, page-turning mystery. And if you are looking for one, read something local. Read something local for no other reason than it helps contribute to an increasingly neglected artistic medium. Bowen appreciates one fact that is honest and true but not fictional. Writing takes about 100 times longer than reading. This vast difference means that an author must REALLY enjoy the story he/she is creating. Unfortunately, it means that people who only read stories will be crass. The passion and enjoyment an author feels for a story must be transposed into the mind of the reader, or else that reader will be crass when describing the story. Bowen’s writing reflects his firm belief and commitment to his story. That alone makes it a pleasure to read. The story being set in Milwaukee is just an added bonus. Poison Pen Press publishes Bowen’s most recent novel, Shoot the Lawyer Twice, this month. Please come and support an outstanding local author by attending his book signing. Mike Bowen will be signing copies of his artwork at 7 PM on October the 21st at the Harry Swartz Bookstore on Downer in Milwaukee. If you can’t attend, his work is always available at Murder One on Prospect. If you or someone you know want to have their fiction profiled by this publication, please submit an email to hrogh@altdash.com. Words by hoam rogh
ABDUCTED AND ALIENATED l OCTOBER 2008 l 33
Cry Bullshit! Drill for oil & pay no taxes
34 l OCTOBER 2008 l CRY BULLSHIT
O
ffshore drilling is fucking bullshit. Bullshit, bullshit, bullshit. Everyone without the means to take advantage of direct investment in oil drilling will not benefit one bit. The fact is that the vast majority of us red-blooded Americans won’t get shit from oil drilling. But what is that, you say? We all get lower gas prices? That’s the bullshit reason being given to Americans by Republicans. Do you have any idea what a DPP is for an IDC? No? Well, welcome to the other America: the one made up by 99% of Americans. It’s the America that doesn’t have the benefit of paying zero fucking taxes. The fact remains that the only benefit to be reaped from offshore drilling will be a huge, huge tax write-off for those few Americans ‘in the know’ who have the money to invest in a Direct Participation Program (DPP) in oil. This oil business permits a 100% deduction for the cost of investment to Intangible Drilling Costs (IDC) in the year the investment is made. So, say you owe Uncle Sam $100 grand in taxes. Poor you, you rich fuck. Oh wait, there is a law that permits you to give that money to an oil company, become a general partner in that company, and watch those dollars be deducted from your tax burden. When McCain and the republicans call to ‘drill baby drill,’ what they really mean to say is ‘dodge baby dodge.’ By drilling for more oil, more tax deductions are opened up. These deductions invariably benefit Americans that can afford to invest, and DPP investments are typically restricted to accredited investors. Accredited investors are defined as people with net worth exceeding one million dollars, or two hundred grand in income for the past two years. Namely, the rich—or the upper middle class at least—benefit from oil drilling. Here is a shocker; McCain and the republicans that support more aggressive drilling are using the federal government to give welfare to rich people. Once again: if you are rich and do not want to pay taxes, invest in an oil drilling DPP. You’ll still have to deduct the investment from your taxes, but the silver lining of the deduction is too good. It may end up making you even richer. That’s right, sometimes drilling for oil makes money. About 90% of the time drilling does not work, but the other 10% may make you rich enough to be in a new tax bracket—if you were not in the highest tax bracket already.
The problem that I have is that fucking oil drilling benefits only old-timey business that won’t make America enough money in the 21st century. Can you imagine if somewhere deep in T. Boone Pickens’ energy plan there was a tax proposal that permitted the rich to write off all the money they invested in alternative energy? You can’t? That’s okay. I did not expect you to know. Since so many Americans are clueless about the oil drilling tax write-off, it makes sense that they would not have ever considered any hypothetical new tax deductions modeled from it. America needs more income. It’s a fact. There is no longer enough money to be found in a greasy fucking hole. More importantly, America needs its rich people to set an example. To set the proper example, we should close the oil tax-loophole and open the renewable energy tax-loophole. American investors should be allowed to become a partner in a business that seeks to build a better solar cell, or make the electrical grid more efficient, and maybe that cold-fusion thing would not be bullshit if billions of dollars were thrown at it. These costs would be just as deductible as the current law is toward oil drilling. Granted, the most obvious realized benefit will probably be the tax deduction, just like the current exploration-related expenditures for oil do not return anything 90% of the time. However, rather than the current tax law that gives the rich a small shot at making a buck on their tax deduction, all Americans will benefit from the advancements in alternative energy that will enrich our entire economy through new ‘green-collar’ jobs and lower energy prices. It’s just common sense, people. Don’t buy the load of shit being pushed about oil drilling. Click the links for more information: www.pickensplan.com www.cortpetroleum.com Here’s propaganda about crazy ‘green’ energy: www.wecansolveit.org More information about the author, Euhr Mahm, can be found at his publisher’s website: www.shadyhousepub.com
CRY BULLSHIT l OCTOBER 2008 l 35
INVISIBLEFRIENDS}
[BRIAN DOVE] It all started in the deepest jungles of New Guinea where I fought many dangerous wild animals (mostly by hand and mind). Then before I was born my parents moved me to Milwaukee. Today I am doing signs, art, & music. I am single father raising an 11year old daughter Marina Monet Dove the love of my life. Iâ&#x20AC;&#x2122;ve done work for Disney, Warner Bros. and DC Comics. I also do illustrations for Esox Angler Magazine. I love to fish and I also love my 2 other daughters Megan and Lisa who are successful international playgirls. I hope someday to put out a collection of cartoons in book form.
36 l OCTOBER 2008 l INVISIBLE FRIENDS
Marijuana laws waste billions of taxpayer dollars to lock up non-violent Americans. You can help. Visit us at www.mpp.org 877-JOIN-MPP (564-6677)
Ready to test your knowledge of other countries and cultures? Then take the Alt- 5-minute Culture Quiz (that’s 20 seconds to answer each question tough guy). Only one answer (a-e) is correct for each query, but watch out because there are five “autofail” answers sprinkled throughout the Quiz. Pick one of these and you automatically fail the whole test. Bon chance! (Uh, that’s French, but of course you knew that, right?)
1. The country of Costa Rica: a) has no high schools b) has no running water c) has no army d) has no constitution e) all of the above 2. In Japan, it is the height of bad table manners to: a) slurp your noodles b) pass food from one pair of chopsticks to another c) put butter on your ramen noodles d) eat using a knife and fork e) eat food with your left hand 3. A typical family meal in Somalia is likely to include: a) camel meat b) goat meat c) roasted pork d) corn bread e) spaghetti
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4. To avoid suspicion when entering a shop in France,you should: a) offer an ordinary greeting b) say nothing and go about your shopping c) show identification at the counter d) enter in groups, not alone e) enter alone, not in groups 5. Johannes, from Denmark, might become offended at the dentist’soffice in the USA if: a) his appointment is delayed for 5 minutes b) he is told “Johannes, the dentist is ready now” c) he finds sports magazines in the lobby d) the lobby furniture is not Scandinavian, or eco-friendly e) none of the above
6. Heikki, from Iceland, might cry his first day of kindergarten in the USA if: a) his lunch is different from the other kids’ b) his clothes are different from the other kids’ c) anything of his is different from the other kids’ d) his teacher gets his last name wrong e) his new school has no hot spring 7. Wal-Mart has faced trouble in Germany due to its: a) greeters b) wages c) products d) advertising e) company name
8. The country with the largest population of Muslims is: a) China b) Indonesia c) Iran d) Pakistan e) Saudi Arabia 9. Passing through the Panama Canal to go from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean you need to go: a) around—the canal is one-way only b) toward the east c) toward the south d) toward the southeast e) toward the northwest 10. The most popular sport in Venezuela today is: a) baseball b) basketball c) golf d) soccer e) snowboarding 11. If you pick up a hitchhiker in Jarkata, Indonesia you should be prepared to: a) share your food b) argue about religion and politics c) give the hitchhiker a ride home later d) offer the hitchhiker cigarettes e) pay the hitchhiker 12. Not including Alaska, which country is smaller than the rest of the USA: a) Australia b) Brazil c) Canada d) China e) Russia 13. Flying from Turkey to Saudi Arabia, which thing certainly will be confiscated by Customs when landing? a) a Bible b) a bottle of Scotch whisky c) clothing made in Israel d) an American flag e) all of the above 14. Which of these things might you see in the South African Parliament building when in session? a) a cow b) penguins
c) boxing matches d) diamonds e) topless dancers 15. Which of these things might you find on the menu at a typical Colombian celebration? a) guinea pig b) anaconda c) figs d) cocaine e) all of the above ANSWER KEY for the AltCulture Quiz 1-c In 1949 the abolition of the military was ratified in Article 12 of the Constitution of Costa Rica. 2-b It is a funeral practice to pass the bones of the deceased using chopsticks. 3-e As a former Italian colony, many families eat spaghetti several times per week. Goat and camel meat are prized for special celebrations. Autofail answer: c—pork products are taboo in this Muslim country. 4-a A simple greeting is expected in a shop. Complete silence is rude, and rather suspicious. 5-b Johannes expected to be addressed as “Mr. Lund.” One only presumes to use first names when addressing children or pets. 6-d When Hólmfrídur Gardarsdóttir took her 5-year old son Heikki to school in Austin, Texas the teacher called him Heikki Gardarsdóttir, prompting little Heikki to whimper in Icelandic “Mommy, why are they calling me Grandpa’s daughter?” In Icelandic tradition each person’s last name is created by adding “-son” or “-dottir” to the first name of their father. Gardar is Hólmfrídur’s father’s name, but Heikki’s dad was Páll, so his proper name was “Heikki Pállsson”. 7-a Customers complained about being harassed by a strange person who approached them to offer help and said “Hello” without an obvious reason.
9-e Panama itself is divided into Eastern and Western parts by the Canal, which runs at an angle from the southeast to the northwest if you are traveling from the Pacific Ocean to the Atlantic Ocean. Autofail answer: a—of course the canal is two-way. 10-a Baseball has been played for over 100 years in Caribbean countries such as Cuba, Puerto Rico and Venezuela. Autofail answer: e—you really guessed snowboarding?) 11-e Drivers pay the hitchhikers, called “jockeys,” so that they qualify to use the speedier carpool lanes. 12-a Even with Alaska the USA is smaller than Canada, China and Russia. Without Alaska, Brazil would also top the USA. Autofail answer: c—please buy an atlas today. 13-b Turkey and Saudi Arabia are both Islamic countries, but Saudi Arabia strictly enforces the Islamic prohibition against drinking alcohol. The Scotch immediately would be dumped out at the airport in view of other passengers. 14-e Women from certain tribes, when called to Parliament, traditionally perform a dance in their native garb of a short skirt, with nothing on underneath, or above. 15-a Roasted Guinea pig is practically the national dish. Autofail answers: d & e—news flash: drugs are not food. SCORING KEY for the Alt- Culture Quiz 15 pts: Perfection! Congratulations on your mastery of Google and ignoring the time limit. 12-14: World Traveler 09-11: Newspaper Reader 06-08: What’s on Springer this week? 03-05: Who’s your favorite Wiggle? 00-02: Ooga ooga, ugh ugh.
8-b Indonesia has more than 200 million people and about 90% of them are Muslims.
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