I was thinking about my heart as room
I was thinking about my heart as room. I want my heart to be bigger than it is, bigger than me, and more open. I picture it as a comfortable place where we can spend time together, private and cozy. It might be nice to nap or just sit near each other. It should be a little magical too, a place of possibilities. My heart gets out of sync and has a goofy beat. I had a primary care doctor a couple years ago who was concerned about my heart. She listened long and hard with the stethoscope pressed to my skin... Then she sent me to a cardiologist. Some wire things were glued to my chest. The cardiologist told me I was wearing the funny paper gown they gave me all wrong, but never said what was the proper way to wear it. My heartbeats were printed out as a graph or a line drawing of a mountainous landscape. He told me not to worry. So I do my best not to worry. You worry about my heart. You listen to it and ask if it is doing ok. If I look a little wobbly you ask if I am feeling faint. — It is sweet. After reading an article about placeboes I went to buy a ring that I could wear as a means of strengthening and protecting my ridiculous heart, to save it from heartbreak. I figured an object would work better and last longer than sugar pills. I found one in a beachside town after months of looking for just the right one. I wear it everyday. Funny… it doesn’t work the way I thought it would. While you worry about the structure of my heart, I fuss about the emotional landscape of it. I wondered about its unruly and uncooperative nature, but I do my best not worry. You might not know this about me, but I have no musical ability. When I sing or dance I have trouble following the music; can’t stay on tempo. Do you think maybe my heart has the same problem? It just can’t dance? I made this room as comfortable place with a funky beat. Please come spend some time with me here. Thank you -Erin Dengerink
My heart is a room 2019 My sincere gratitude to Melissa Gueiros for contributing her sound piece Within
My heart as a room