An exhibition by Merry & ITI
In preparation for the exhibition, I went back through all my drawings and notes It made me think about how I was during the last two years of pandemic and how I am today
I understand the desire that many people have expressed, but "Back to normal" cannot be our goal It is not like before And it is not normal either If the pandemic situation didn't affect us that much, it affected people around us Many have developed anxieties and depression And I believe that the psychological effects of this time will be with us for a while
Although I was outside a lot during the pandemic and met up with friends, I mostly remember the feeling of sitting alone on my couch It's very dominant Since there were just a few distractions, I had to deal with myself, for example, a family conflict and my queer identity
The impact of the pandemic on other people's lives was hardly visible Everyday life went on behind closed doors or concealed behind laptop cameras that were switched off
Through my drawings I see that I was worse off than I perceived myself at the time I have realised that I tried to make the best of it, but only functioned What should I have done differently? At some point I had no more strength and everything collapsed
„Das Lebenszimmer“ can take us back to that time and inspire us to talk openly about it
Doing this exhibition feels like I've come full circle and that I can come to closure with these old life issues I have thought about it enough, I have drawn enough and now something new can come I am very happy to have met ITI and to be able to do this exhibition with him
We are dependent on other people, we saw that in the pandemic We want to be together and have a connection It is inspiring and fun to work together Working with ITI has released a lot of energy and made my first public exhibition possible I look forward to drawing more and developing as an artist
I hope everyone enjoys the exhibition and reading this magazine!
ITI is an artist from Romania living in Berlin He's interviewed by Merry on his thoughts about living in a society that he severely criticises in his art
MERRY I really like to talk to you about society and humanity As you know, sometimes I get a bit annoyed, because the discussion gets into a pessimistic direction
Many people perceive me more quickly as a pessimist rather than an optimist Actually I don't feel that pessimistic as I should, given what is happening in the world I don‘t see the world entirely negative. But yeah, I usually react more to the negative side, because the happy place has already been sorted out
I‘m wondering the same thing daily. I don't know what motivates me I think I live my life step by step I guess that‘s the secret I don't think long term
MERRY Recently I have gained the awareness that the future is fantasy and the past is made of memories When I realized it, I became much more aware of living in the present and going step by step
When I think about the future, only one of the infinite possibilities will happen Sometimes with intuition, I can sense that things are going to happen
I knew that a change would happen pretty soon and I wouldn't stay in Bucharest All I needed was the break up from my partner back then Within one week I went to Berlin From the first second I knew, I should be here
Merry is expressing herself in mixed media art During the interview with ITI, she had the revelation that going a unique way is the only way to change things
I had a positive shock coming here When I grew up I had no idea of alternative things like I see here I was in a bad condition when I was a teenager and since I recovered I have sought happiness
I always seek quietness Even happiness is not quiet.
ITI
I If I would have enough money, I would buy a house in Brandenburg and live there Sometimes I'm ready to drop it all and have just a plain life No Instagram, just cows and chicken, super old school
When I look into my smartphone, I feel dead inside I don‘t know why so many people are constantly looking after the next feature and device Technology isn't helpful for us as humans
People feel it, but they don't know, what it is We call it depression Where do the people go to have treatment? They‘re send to the countryside We are so connected to each other, but actually we ‘ re so disconnected We have internet, but our hearts are so far away from each other
No I have big battles with identity Because, first of all my identity is alien. That‘s why I call myself ITI, the phonetic spelling of Spielberg's E T I got the name very early from class mates In Romania everybody knew me as ITI It was very strong Coming to Berlin was a change I didn‘t wanted to sound weird Even though Berlin is perfect to be weird
Sounds like you you knew yourself very early, but you lost a part of your identity, when you came to Berlin
Because of certain things in my childhood and a lot of experience with adults, I got mature super fast I think at 14 I already saw the world as a shit and how stupid adults are.
No, creativity started very late In 2012 I started drawing stickers When they appeared in the streets of Bucharest, I was crazy about collecting them They were promoting music albums, independent film festivals or theater festivals I realized, I could provide my ideas like those guys did
MERRY
I know that we have different approaches, how we do our art My art is coming out of my feelings Your art is coming out of thoughts
Yeah, definitely It's more curated I super plan it
I draw for the world, not for myself I just note down my observations I’m self taught I didn't do any Arts University courses I don't know what I'm doing But I have a natural feeling with colors
I usually study images I look into databases and search thousands of images until I find something that I click with it From there the entire idea pops into my mind This is how I made my recent work that you can see in the exhibition „Das Lebenszimmer“ What about you?
It‘s totally different My inspiration comes from bad feelings. They create images in my mind I just draw the image from my head onto the paper When it's out, the feeling is out, too To produce something, makes the situation feel less useless
I draw for myself, but want to touch people with my art That's why I want to hold exhibitions Recently my grandma showed me early drawings I made Just horses, houses, birds and the sun I was very disappointed, I didn‘t discover any talent
Even now, I don‘t see myself a great talent Talent doesn‘t mean skill It means feeling and creativity Like Marcel Duchamp, who put a pissoir upside down and called it „ The fountain“
MERRY Today I just read more about Banksy, who didn‘t accept the golden rules of graffiti He did not repeat what the others had done I like that We have our heroes and try to be like them And then someone comes along and does it completely differently That's genius
ITI
Do you know why this happens?
Because it is nature The exact same thing happens all the time in genetics It's only one gene that turns the white polar bear into a brown bear
That just blows my mind! In new places I adapt to the others so as not to be different But after a while I say: whatever, I’ll do it my way Honestly, your comparison just gave me the confidence to consider „being different“ as a good thing
I was lucky I wasn't that much alone I spend the time with my relationship, my flatmates and their partners However when you spend 24/7 together it's suffocating I also could feel the loneliness in the world, when I was on the street Berlin felt like Bucharest boring, nothing happened, no interesting people
ITI
It was always a good thing Look at Hieronymus Bosch or Van Gogh
MERRY
But which of them liked it?
I never felt that lonely in my life I was just processing a huge family conflict and the death of my grandpa I had no partner or flatmate and not even my friends hugged me I was desperately searching for connection And it didn't work at all Nobody wanted me
Because it doesn‘t work that wayITI
ITI
Neither of them! Being different, a genius or talented means a lot of suffering in the back It comes from a lot of loneliness and suffering in the life time
MERRY
Right And I knew it I always tell other people, you need to like yourself first Spend time with yourself And suddenly, I was on the other side
I appreciate every millisecond I'm with other people Before pandemic I thought I‘m very independent and don't need anybody around me to enjoy my free time I guess I needed this time to really feel alone and start appreciating human onnection
I recently had a look at all my drawings and remember one sentence „ I need to stop working against loneliness, I have to accept and like it“ Now I can enjoy being alone again I need this time to create
ITI
It takes time and patience to create But two seconds to light it up It's another motto of mine Destruction is always fast Creation is always patient
A paradox, because the whole universe is full of geometrical patterns It's extremely orderly You say, it's so easy to destroy the order But is it then really destroyed? When you look at the whole picture, everything seems to be as it should be
ITI
You‘re not describing the humans here, they‘re not in order! But right, wherever you go, you find the same geometrical pattern and it goes to infinity
Just as this conversation could be infinite I want to find an ending that is not very sudden
This is the endingITI
MERRY To complete the circle From the beginning to the end Let me stop it here Thanks for the interview!
Thank you!ITI
“I NEED TO STOP WORKING AGAINST LONELINESS, I HAVE TO ACCEPT AND LIKE IT”
TO SHOW THAT HUMANS ARE CONNECTED WITH EVERYTHING, I PUT A UNIVERSE INSIDE THE SHAPE OF HUMANS. WHEN IT'S INSIDE, IT SYMBOLIZES A CALM HUMAN. WHEN IT'S OUTSIDE, THE HUMAN IS MISSING SOMETHING. THE UNIVERSE IS NOT INSIDE, WHERE IT SHOULD BE.
When I free doodle, I have a different human shaped face with a more creature like look When I have a direct idea I do it more straight as a vector, because I inspire myself from vector pictures
The toilet symbolizes two things: it's a place of thinking and being alone for sure But it's actually a place where you go after you ate and then flush it down The toilet is a symbol of waist. And that's why I draw the humans on the toilet shitting their inner universe from the self into the toilet
TYou run all day for money to have food
You spend hours to cook very nice food
You spend three hours plus cleaning and then you go five minutes to the toilet and all is gone This is like our whole existence
You work a lot for a five minutes flush
CI draw small clouds, when I want to do serenity and inner universe It's quietness I want to achieve or we should achieve sometimes I usually put the clouds outside the human Sometimes I put the clouds inside the human Depends on what I want to transmit
McDonald's is the symbol of advertising and mainstream media like television. The idea that all of the symbols that we see everywhere through advertising are industry shit
I must be about 17 years old. A frosty evening, I'm wrapped in a thick jacket My gray cap pulled deep into my face to keep my head warm I'm on my bike on my way home As so often, I have to stop at a closed train barrier Behind me I hear a mother talking to her child As the train goes through and the barrier opens, the mother says to the child "Let the boy ride first " The boy? Suddenly a warm feeling of happiness flows through me A real deep joy She thinks I'm a boy! I don't look back, but drive away as fast as I can I want to maintain her illusion I don't want to be recognized as a girl
This is just one example of many where I can see that identifying as a girl doesn't really fit me But at that time I had neither concepts nor role models to show me in which direction I could develop
Every attempt to live out " me " leads to failure and devaluation The main thing is to fulfilling stereotypes: be nice, slim, pretty, fit in and find a boyfriend Where I grow up, that's just the way it is, not particularly unusual
In my early 20s, I finally give everything to be like that, just to belong and be recognized I have to say I am successful But maybe I would have made a career as an actress sooner that way Because I'm only playing a role now Behind this facade I am totally unhappy and don't know who I am at all
SINCE I'VE HAD A BOYFRIEND, I'VE BEEN ASKING MYSELF: AM I STILL QUEER? I FEEL STRANGELY ALIENATED FROM MYSELF WHEN I TALK ABOUT US AS A COUPLE. AM I STRAIGHT AGAIN? WHAT DO I HAVE TO DO WITH THE LGBTQI* COMMUNITY NOW? A MOMENT AGO I WAS A PART OF IT, MY WHOLE CIRCLE OF FRIENDS IS BUILT ON IT, AND I DEFINED MYSELF AS QUEER. BUT NOW I FEEL LIKE THIS NEW RELATIONSHIP IS TAKING AWAY MY QUEER IDENTITY. THIS HAS TRIGGERED AN INNER CONFLICT IN ME CAUSING ME TO WRITE THIS ESSAY.
In my mid 20s, I meet my first girlfriend and move to Berlin shortly thereafter a liberating blow In the capital, I quickly learn about the LGBTQI* community and become part of it
LGBTQI* is an acronym for Lesbian, Gay, Bisexual, Queer, Intersexual The asterisk applies to all those who do not see themselves in the letters While the string of letters is still expandable for some, others include all gender identities and sexual orientations under the umbrella term queer
Here I discover how diverse people can be and love I learn that gender roles are constructed and that we are not born as girls or boys, but are raised as such from our birth
Through reflection in countless conversations, I am able to free myself from the beauty ideals and role conceptions of women The confrontation with feminism also helps me. The first thing to change is my appearance so drastically that I no longer recognize myself in old photos As if I've finally gotten permission, I'm shedding the stereotypical features that disguised me as a woman I trade long hair, dresses and high heels for a shaved head, baseball cap and loose t shirts from the men ' s department I'm surrounded by people who don't put me in socially fixed roles and annoy me with sayings like "Typical woman " or "That's not for women " I can be the way I am
Many have had similar experiences: being judged for who they are gay, trans or queer This is not just a personal feeling It was only in 1994 that Paragraph 175 was removed from the German Penal Code, which criminalized male homosexuality
Nevertheless, my body continues to trouble me. I learn to accept it, but not to love it Something remains that is not right The flesh that provides my feminine curves feels alien and lifeless Why does it feel that way?
Art gives me insight into what this vague feeling actually looks like how I see myself Since I started making diary like drawings couple of years ago, I have been expressing my innermost and unconscious feelings When I draw, I don't sketch beforehand, but start directly with a black thin pen Often the idea for the picture arises only after I have drawn the first line These images come from deep within me They make visible what I can't express in words until then
In the LGBTQI* community I meet trans people who clearly say that they were born in the wrong gender Does this apply to me as well? The drawings of my self reveal how I actually feel about my body An androgynous body without breasts, a small tuft of pubic hair between the legs covering the vulva Short hair and a soft face No, I don't feel in the wrong gender I feel somewhere in between That's what my drawn body shows me
When I come across the term "nonbinary," it helps me categorize and feel less alone There are others who feel similarly Meanwhile, I no longer need the term I've made peace with the fact that my gender identity is non binary and that my body is who it is I try not to bend or conform to be perceived "right" by those around me I have bent for others so many times in my life It's not worth the effort
When things get serious with ITI, I suddenly feel pigeonholed in a way I don't belong Stamped as heterosexual And with it, all the heteronormative stereotypes, behaviors, and binary role patterns that had no meaning in queer relationships Princess girls in pink, fire boys in blue Skirts to women and ties to men The man leads, the woman follows
Okay, we ' ve certainly moved on from the feminism and sexism debate here Still, I can't identify with the word " woman " Other people apparently find it easier to classify themselves in their gender My sister illustrates it well the other day She says, "I'm standing here as a woman I want to be perceived with my individual characteristics and needs I want my rights as a woman to be respected " I can relate to that And yet I don't see myself standing in this place I see a man standing next to her, standing up for his point of view as a man And I'm standing in between
So who defines what queer is? The academic discourses of queer studies at universities? Influencers on Instagram? Series on Netflix? Or the queer scene in the big cities? Is queer a gender identity, an umbrella term for all gender identities, or a political fighting term?
The word queer refers to something strange or deviant in the 16th century English language It was used as a swear word to express something akin to the German pervers In the late 19th century, it was first used as a homophobic slur 02
In the 1980s, the LGBT community appropriated the term and transformed it into something positive Queer has lost the pejorative meaning of perverted, but the use of the term runs the risk of dividing groups of people into those who are perceived as queer and those who are not 03
Since I can't answer these questions here, I'd like to take a moment to answer for myself what queer means to me For me, feeling queer is a very individual feeling It is feeling a discrepancy in terms of sexuality, gender, and role expectations from people who conform to normative expectations This can manifest itself in feeling somehow different special at best, perverse at worst
Because it cannot be broken down to one characteristic, it is so difficult to grasp Queer moves in the tension between sexuality, gender and role expectations The level on which queer expresses itself is fluid Expressions appear to varying degrees, at different times of life on different levels These expressions are not punctual, but dynamically distributed across a spectrum Being queer is also not necessarily visible It can be dangerous to behave differently from the norm Therefore, a person can be queer even if they only live it out in private or even secretly Or may not even know the term queer and use it for themselves
Cis means living the gender one was assigned at birth
Can a heterosexual CIS person be queer?
In my eyes, yes, if a man deviates from society's image of the heteronormative male, for example, because of his brightly painted fingernails The queerness may not be particularly strong with this single expression, and yet it moves along the spectrum What is crucial here is that there is an inner urge to express oneself in this way That is, he wears the fingernails not because he lost a bet, but because he finds it beautiful and follows an inner desire to express himself as a human being in this way
So being queer is not something you choose, put on and take off again like a fashion trend Glitter on your face doesn't make you queer It's something that expresses one ' s identity Putting on a dress as a man to attract laughs is not queer But feeling a sense of suffering when it's not possible to seriously express yourself that way can be queer
Eventually my personal definition of queer is the self perception of deviating from the social norm in varying degrees of sexuality as well as gender and role expectations In doing so, the person feels an inner urge to be able to develop accordingly and to be recognized as who he* or she* then is
I want to emphasize the deeply human behind queerness: The desire to unfold as the person you are and to be recognized as that
I feel half woman, half man People think I'm a lesbian But currently I only find men interesting and being with them I feel gay How queer is that, please? I don't expect anyone to actually understand that I still don't really understand it myself
It is the terms we use that evaluate and delimit people as man, woman, gay or straight, queer or heteronormative We humans have invented terms to divide the world and to make its complexity easier to grasp But that separates things It separates us from each other and from the world we live in Doesn't the term queer therefore separate more than it connects?
The concept of queer needs the normative in society If society were to be queered, that is, permeated by the "concept of queer " and the humanity behind the concept being able to develop freely were given the greatest importance, then the queer concept would no longer be necessary However, I think that this idea of complete dissolution is utopian and not thought through to the end
I consider the stories in my comics to be utopian Because here the queerness is normality and is not even named as something different or special I am interested in addressing other life issues that can affect everyone I sneak queer bodies and stories in and confront viewers who don't expect it
The thing that is necessarily discussed loudly and militantly accepting LGBTQI*s is not an issue in my comics Even if queer were accepted by all who are not queer, that still means a division into queer and not queer And because language does something to us and triggers this separation, for example, that's one reason why I sometimes work without language in my comics
So it remains open who or what is to be seen there Viewers can choose their own terms to describe gender Or they can accept the irritation that this creates Or enter into a conversation with me It's nice if I can achieve that with my art
As a queer person, you develop a sense of who belongs to the community that's called gaydar You recognize yourself among straight people Lately, I've been proven wrong more often People who my gaydar jumps at all excitedly turn out to be straight People to whom my gaydar reacts only very cautiously are homosexual And the same happens to others with me Has something changed in society here?
Queer is just becoming part of our socialization Through popular series like "Sex Education" on Netflix, through feminism and parents who have already faced the questions, the youth grows up with new ideas of sexuality, gender and role expectations, internalizes them much earlier in their development Not a given everywhere The backlash to the new queer openness is great And yet, I'm hopeful that society as a whole will become more open and less discriminating into binary genders and role patterns
From my perspective it's not beneficial to draw a permanent line and make the distinction between queer and non queer I therefore advocate describing queer as a spectrum on which people move, sometimes more, sometimes less The question cannot be answered yes or no Instead, we can ask how something is done or thought about in a queer way
To conclude, I would like to rephrase the question „ Am I still queer?“ that I address in this essay: „ To what extent is my thinking, feeling, and behavior queer?“
Because there is no binary answer to that: no right or wrong, no yes or no I can say with firm conviction my thinking, feeling and behavior is on the queer spectrum I no longer fear losing my queer identity because of the one I love Because regardless of my relationship status, I was and am a queer person ITI does not take that away from me On the contrary Like in "Sex Education" when the non binary Cal asks their boyfriend if he is ready for a queer relationship, I can also ask: how queer do I make our relationship?
I draw myself, that's obvious But I put no value on drawing realistically It's only important that I get my inner images on paper quickly I just use a few lines and focus on the emotions I usually draw people naked That way there is nothing to distract you and the pure human soul becomes visible This makes the depiction of my character very honest and vulnerable
I discovered that it is easy for me to speak through animals. With a penguin or a dog, for example, you can express a certain character trait or portray a person With the wolf I associate an animal that roams alone through the woods and tries to find its pack That's why I chose the wolf for myself
When I was really exhausted of the pandemic, this scary drawing appeared I have started to describe it as my ego, which is desperate to have its own way
At the same time, I have developed the drawing of the self, which is very peaceful and calms the ego It is interesting to learn more about how the ego and the self work Illustrating them in comics makes them visible and easier to understand
Publisher Merry & ITI Maria Preußmann
Berlin
rights reserved
& Design
Merry
Contributers & Artists Merry, ITI
Cover shot
Kümmel
reading
Ileana Instagram
art
Printed in Germany
Merry
