How to Party when the Virus Particles Depart

WORDS BY Stephanie Booth

ART BY Ruth Ong @ru.thx

We oscillate daily between hopeless optimism for spring and summer liberation and the inevitable knowledge that freedom may be farther from reach as cases increase and vaccines decrease. As discussion turns to the reality of zero cases never being achievable — akin to the far away dream of a zero inbox (thank you, SUSAN. YES I DID SEE YOUR LAST EMAIL) — we turn our thoughts to how we might emerge. Like a chrysalis, blinking into the sun, chins filled with acne, tummies filled with Uber Eats and anxiety levels at an all time high. We try to remember how to exist among others. So, why not ease back into the terrifying world with some good old-fashioned games?

Re-introduction to Polite Society Class Have you, like so many, spent the past 18 months interacting with people exclusively on Twitter and Zoom, with the exception of that one guy at Coles? Why not host a party with friends where you role-play having everyday interactions? Hold a door open for someone without saying ‘you too’! Catch a bus without touching anything! Don’t post a rant about the government implanting microchips into your body! That Track-Suits You! Gather your nearest and dearest and call for the dress code to be athleisure wear. Not because you’re going to do anything active, just because sweatpants and leggings are all you know how to style right now. Make it easy on yourselves okay? Ain’t no Met Gala here. Moan-opoly A competitive card game whereby the aim of the game is to ‘out-pity’ your competition with your most pathetic/saddest story from lockdown. Bring out the big guns here. Let’s get Lil’ Jon and the East Side Boyz, Low. Don’t Think — Just Drink A drinking game for two or more people. Do not. At any point. Discuss what the rules are. Depending on your individuallyestablished set of rules, when you say ‘drink’, all must do so. Gross-ery Dash Without checking your fridge for what you already have, meet up with a friend to buy pointless vegetables you know you won’t cook and will end up throwing out. Spend $70 on rhubarb and custard apple and don’t forget to throw in a bag of spinach to let rot in the back of your fridge. Puffer jackets are a must. A Toast to You Feel like you went a little overboard on the alcohol during lockdown? Why not host a party for a few friends and indulge in more carbs instead? Lady and the Tramp-style spaghetti kisses (really get those fluids connecting again), Cobb loaves — they are a thing, bring them back. And there’s a high likelihood one of your friends bought an air fryer during lockdown so, did someone say ‘every kind of potato’?

Things are a bit shit — and that’s okay. One day they won’t be, so hang in there until then so we can all be together and eat bread in our leggings. ‡