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IN PRAISE OF REBUKE: THE PATH TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP BY R A B B I M E YE R L A N I A D O
The crow kept her beak tightly sealed, holding onto her precious morsel until the sly fox serenaded her, praising her voice, rousing her to open her beak to sing.
We read this Aesop fable of “The Crow and The Fox” in disbelief, wondering how the crow could have been so naïve, but the truth is we love flattery, even though it may be insincere, exaggerated, or used to excise something from us. The reason may be, as Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote in his essay “Gifts” in 1884, “We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows that we are of importance enough to be courted.” It also makes us feel good as our pleasure centers are triggered, making us more open to the person who flattered us. Elaine Chan and Jaideep Sengupta, two professors at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, found that complimentary words, even if not genuine, created an affinity towards a brand and made individuals more prone to purchase from that company. The title of their research says it all: “Insincere Flattery Actually Works.” Knowing the effectiveness of both flattery and genuine praise, we utilize compliments to build and strengthen relationships. In his over four decades of research on marital stability, Dr. John Gottman found that indeed the most successful relationships have a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative feedback.
The Fox and the Crow, 1912. Wikimedia Commons.
Judaism has this counter-intuitive approach, arguing that a relationship where everything is positive is limited in its growth and ability to increase in depth. Moreover, admonishment can develop a much stronger and longer-
lasting relationship if done correctly with the right people. King Solomon made this point in Proverbs, explaining that while a charismatic smooth talker will charm, it is the one who rebukes another, who, in time, will find the most favor (Proverbs 28:23). This advice was echoed in the next millennium by Rabbi Yose Bar Hanina, who says haTokhahat mevia lidei ahava, rebuking another brings them to love [you], as Proverb states, hokhah leHakham veYe’ehabeka, rebuke a wise man, and he will love you (Beresheit Rabbah 54). While it is true that “Criticism… shouldn’t be your opening move in an interaction (Malcolm Gladwell),” avoiding conflict will allow grievances to fester and potentially grow into feelings of anger and animosity. Dr. Terri Orbuch, known as the “love doctor” for her decades of scientificbased research and study of love and relationships, advises couples to ‘sweat the small stuff’ to address even the smallest of issues. She wrote this succinctly in one of her guest blogs: “In my long-term study of married couples, I found over and over again that these seemingly innocuous behaviors are what created more troublesome marital rifts than monumental events.” Addressing points of contention and not allowing tension to develop under the surface is a misvat aseh, a biblical instruction, as the Torah directs us: hokheah tokhiah et amitekha, you shall indeed address your interpersonal conflicts (Vayiqra 19:17). Rabbi Shemuel ben Meir, known as the Rashbam, explains that if one perceives they have been wronged, they should not
R abbi M eyer L aniado / / K E H I L AT H J E S H U R U N B U L L E T I N R abbi M eyer L aniado
