5 minute read
RABBI MEYER LANIADO
IN PRAISE OF REBUKE: THE PATH TO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP
BY RABBI MEYER LANIADO
The crow kept her beak tightly sealed, holding onto her precious morsel until the sly fox serenaded her, praising her voice, rousing her to open her beak to sing.
The Fox and the Crow, 1912. Wikimedia Commons. We read this Aesop fable of “The Crow and The Fox” in disbelief, wondering how the crow could have been so naïve, but the truth is we love flattery, even though it may be insincere, exaggerated, or used to excise something from us. The reason may be, as Ralph Waldo Emerson wrote in his essay “Gifts” in 1884, “We love flattery, even though we are not deceived by it, because it shows that we are of importance enough to be courted.” It also makes us feel good as our pleasure centers are triggered, making us more open to the person who flattered us.
Elaine Chan and Jaideep Sengupta, two professors at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology, found that complimentary words, even if not genuine, created an affinity towards a brand and made individuals more prone to purchase from that company. The title of their research says it all: “Insincere Flattery Actually Works.”
Knowing the effectiveness of both flattery and genuine praise, we utilize compliments to build and strengthen relationships. In his over four decades of research on marital stability, Dr. John Gottman found that indeed the most successful relationships have a five-to-one ratio of positive to negative feedback.
Judaism has this counter-intuitive approach, arguing that a relationship where everything is positive is limited in its growth and ability to increase in depth. Moreover, admonishment can develop a much stronger and longerlasting relationship if done correctly with the right people.
King Solomon made this point in Proverbs, explaining that while a charismatic smooth talker will charm, it is the one who rebukes another, who, in time, will find the most favor (Proverbs 28:23). This advice was echoed in the next millennium by Rabbi Yose Bar Hanina, who says haTokhahat mevia lidei ahava, rebuking another brings them to love [you], as Proverb states, hokhah leHakham veYe’ehabeka, rebuke a wise man, and he will love you (Beresheit Rabbah 54).
While it is true that “Criticism… shouldn’t be your opening move in an interaction (Malcolm Gladwell),” avoiding conflict will allow grievances to fester and potentially grow into feelings of anger and animosity. Dr. Terri Orbuch, known as the “love doctor” for her decades of scientificbased research and study of love and relationships, advises couples to ‘sweat the small stuff’ to address even the smallest of issues. She wrote this succinctly in one of her guest blogs: “In my long-term study of married couples, I found over and over again that these seemingly innocuous behaviors are what created more troublesome marital rifts than monumental events.”
Addressing points of contention and not allowing tension to develop under the surface is a misvat aseh, a biblical instruction, as the Torah directs us: hokheah tokhiah et amitekha, you shall indeed address your interpersonal conflicts (Vayiqra 19:17). Rabbi Shemuel ben Meir, known as the Rashbam, explains that if one perceives they have been wronged, they should not
pretend all is good in the relationship, but instead, be open and honest and address what was done that was bothersome. Rabbi Abraham ben Meir Ibn Ezra explains that this open dialogue may reveal that the situation was not as you had thought, and the frustration in your heart was unfounded. If there were an issue, it would give you the opportunity for resolution. Contrary to what we may have thought, conflict avoidance often results in a breakup, disunity, and infighting, whether in a relationship or in society. This is due to the breakdown of the relationship since grievances cannot be rectified, nor solutions developed when the parties are not in honest, open dialogue.
Divergent views can lead to creativity and innovation when they are engaged with each other. Still, when driven apart and pitted at odds, they can lead to destruction, as Rabbi ḤHanina is quoted in the Talmud saying: “Jerusalem was destroyed only because the people did not rebuke one another (tBavli Shabbat 119b).” Divided and in conflict, Jerusalem became vulnerable, going up in flames. This may have been avoided if those with conflicting views sat around the table, working together by raising their differences and talking them through, creating unity.
In this light, conflict can be seen as an opportunity for positive change and transformation in relationships and society. However, “The trouble with most of us is that we’d rather be ruined by praise than saved by criticism (The Power of Positive Thinking by Norman Vincent Peale).” So, we avoid bringing points of contention to the table and instead ignore the tension, missing out on an opportunity to gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and another.
We also miss out on this opportunity when we simply forgive, as we do in the bedtime Shema we recite each night. This prayer is powerful, and many recite it before entering into Yom Kippur, allowing themselves to start with a clean slate, forgiving others as they ask God to forgive them. But simply erasing the past does not allow one to increase understanding, empathy, and love in their relationship.
We should recognize this opportunity, especially during the High Holidays. When we make our pre-holiday calls, instead of simply asking: “Do you forgive me? I forgive you,” offer a chance for genuine reconciliation to transform conflicts into great relationships, addressing the deeper areas of the relationship, mental paradigms, perspectives, emotional makeup, and history. As King Solomon said: “…those who reprove will find pleasantness and blessing (Mishle 24:25).” Through addressing the underlying contention points with the proper tact, tone, and timing, we merit the blessing of a more genuine, deep, and understanding relationship.
Tizku leShanim Rabot Neimot veTobot!
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