On (small) screens

New Benoit Blanc feature film Glass Onion PHOTO COURTESY NETFLIX makes its way from theaters to Netflix this week | photo courtesy Netflix

ON (small) SCREENS IN ORLANDO

Streaming premieres you won’t want to miss this week.

by Steve Schneider

PREMIERES WEDNESDAY:

Emily in Paris — Despite speculation that the action would be moving to Berlin in Season 3, it seems Lily Collins’ Emily will remain entrenched in the City of Lights, where she’ll have to juggle multiple jobs and affairs. I mean, you can do that in Berlin too, if the multiple affairs are with sausage-related heart diseases. (Netflix) I Am a Killer — Season 4 offers more harrowing sit-downs with convicted murderers who will never be able to reintegrate into society. Or you could just follow Kyle Rittenhouse on Twitter. (Netflix) Tom Clancy’s Jack Ryan — Why did we have to wait three years for Season 3, in which John Krasinski’s Jack confronts a nefarious plot by Russia to dominate the globe? I mean, it can’t have taken that long just to transcribe Matt Taibbi’s LinkedIn. (Prime Video)

PREMIERES THURSDAY:

Alice in Borderland — In Season 2, Arisu and Yusagi attempt a game reset to free themselves from the virtual limbo in which they’ve become trapped. Ironically, the entire business model here depends on you being too hypnotized to put down the remote and go kayaking or something. (Netflix) The Best Man: The Final Chapters — This spinoff series from the hit movie franchise catches up with Morris Chestnut, Regina Hall and the rest of their crew as they confront the challenges of middle age. “Wow, I guess Black does crack,” sighs Taye Diggs, finding his first smile line at age 85. (Peacock) The Head — The Spanish-made thriller about climate change was originally meant to be a standalone miniseries. But it’s going to a Season 2, because somehow, a bunch of us are still here to watch it. Talk about undermining your own argument, Big Woke! (HBO Max) I Hate Suzie Too — The second season of dark Britcom I Hate Suzie is a three-part Christmas special that shows Billie Piper’s Suzie Pickles trying to make a showbiz comeback by competing in a televised dance-off. This, of course, is the path to redemption that enabled Sean Spicer to nab the role of The Doctor’s next companion. (HBO Max)

Scare Package II: Rad Chad’s Revenge

— An anthology like its 2019 forbear, the second Scare Package flick visits the funeral of deceased horror-store owner Rad Chad Buckley — a solemn observance that turns into a series of death traps for the shocked mourners. Is it too late to cancel my organ-donor card? Because this sounds like the way I’d rather go out. (Shudder)

PREMIERES FRIDAY:

Glass Onion: A Knives Out Mystery — If you missed it when it played in theaters for one week last month, here’s the well-received second outing for Daniel Craig’s detective Benoit Blanc. But will the movie’s portrait of a shady tech billionaire (Edward Norton) with questionable associations and a propensity for stealing credit still seem relevant? Now that we’ve all seen Hunter’s joint, that is? (Netflix)

PREMIERES SUNDAY:

After Ever Happy — Just like Glass Onion, the fourth installment in the After series

[ film + tv ]

of teen romances is coming to streaming after a brief run in theaters many weeks ago. Unlike Glass Onion, it has a zero on Rotten Tomatoes. Check out the movie Variety called “stunningly perfunctory,” “a taffy pull of tedium” and an endeavor that “can’t even charitably be said to be blah.” Guys, stop overselling it. You had me at the taffy pull. (Netflix)

The Boy, the Mole, the Fox, and the Horse

— Idris Elba and Gabriel Byrne are among those lending their voices to an animated adaptation of Charlie Mackesy’s book, in which a trio of animal pals tries to help a youngster find a home. Sounds like they need a good realtor. Too bad none of those critters is a weasel. (Apple TV+) Roald Dahl’s Matilda the Musical — The stage adaptation of Dahl’s classic children’s book is in turn adapted to film, with the title role performed by newcomer Alisha Weir. Or as she’s going to be remembered in 20 years, “that chick that knocked over the Kwik Mart.” (Netflix) The Witcher: Blood Origin — While its flagship series trades out star Henry Cavill for Liam Hemsworth, the Witcher franchise distracts us with a four-episode prequel set 1,000 years before its main narrative. Stars Sophia Brown and Michelle Yeoh interpret the events that brought about the “conjunction of the spheres.” Wow, four whole episodes about the courtship of Tom and Roseanne? (Netflix)

PREMIERES MONDAY:

Letterkenny — The plot developments in Season 11 are said to include missing pets, an influx of influencers and “a mystery at the church bake sale.” I mean, I’d like to say that mystery has nothing to do with the missing pets … but after 11 seasons, you learn not to make promises. (Hulu) Treason — Once and future Daredevil Charlie Cox plays the head of the MI6, brought back into contact with a beautiful Russian (Olga Kurylenko) from his complex past. Gosh, between this and the Jack Ryan business, you could spend most of the holidays watching the sofa collude with your ass. (Netflix) Woooooo! Becoming Ric Flair — To be the man, you gotta stream the man. The life and career of wrestling’s own Nature Boy are retraced in a 120-minute documentary that has Flair’s personal seal of approval. So you know it’s gotta be on the level! (Peacock)

PREMIERES TUESDAY:

Chelsea Handler: Revolution — For her fourth Netflix special, Handler takes on ripped-from-the-headlines topics like … checks notes … dating during COVID. Aaaaand it’s time to whip out the Elmer’s and paste those headlines right back in again. (Netflix)