On (small) Screens

The Marriage App debuts Wednesday with a new spin on ‘working on the relationship’ | PHOTO COURTESY NETFLIXPhoto courtesy Netflix

ON (small) SCREENS IN ORLANDO

Streaming premieres you won’t want to miss this week.

by Steve Schneider

PREMIERES WEDNESDAY:

Burning Patience — An idealistic young man is inspired to become a poet when he starts serving as Pablo Neruda’s mailman. In the parlance of those who study self-destructive behaviors, this is a “gateway drug.” (Netflix) The Marriage App — “Working on the relationship” becomes a competitive sport after a husband and wife purchase a Fitbit-like gadget that records their shared time and acts of kindness. But if you want to lose 185 pounds of useless fat, ladies, a divorce is still your best option. (Netflix) The Most Beautiful Flower — The tradeoff between popularity and self-acceptance is the theme of a series based on the teenage experiences of Michelle Rodríguez. That’s Michelle Rodríguez the actor/comedian, not Michelle Rodriguez the Fast & Furious star and DUI recidivist. When she starts to worry about popularity, she downs a fifth of Gilbey’s and does donuts in a church parking lot until the feeling goes away. (Netflix) Smiley — Spanish playwright Guillem Clua handled the series adaptation of his 2013 stage piece about two men fumbling their way toward true love. If you don’t watch, Billy Porter will come to your house and browbeat you to “get a Clua.” (Netflix) Too Hot to Handle — The enforced-celibacy competition adds a new wrinkle for Season 4: This time, the participants think they’ve signed up for a different show that encourages them to hook up. Oh, “consent”: You’re still the swiftest route to comedy! (Netflix)

PREMIERES THURSDAY:

The Bad Guy — Italy sends us a dark-comedy series in which a prosecutor who’s spent a lifetime fighting the Mafia is wrongly accused of being a criminal himself. “Can these boys sling a fiction or what?” exults series consultant Rudy Giuliani. (Prime Video) Doom Patrol — Season 4 shuttles the team into the future to confront a threat to their very existence. If they want to experience the same feeling vicariously, they could just stay here and talk to somebody who’s currently in an interracial marriage. (HBO Max) In Broad Daylight: The Narvarte Case — Seven years ago, five people were murdered in a Mexico City apartment, and their families still haven’t received a sufficient explanation from the police. But that’s what streaming documentaries are for, right? (Actually, they’re for furthering an image of wives and girlfriends as cold-blooded killers while ignoring their male accomplices. But sometimes something else squeaks through.) (Netflix) The Real Housewives of Miami — Three new friends join the six returning stars for Season 5, which turns on plot points about possible adultery and parental estrangement. Come on, like anybody’s parents wouldn’t embrace them just for being involved in this thing. (Peacock) South Side — Chicago hustlers Simon and K are at it again in Season 3, which includes both a Kwanzaa episode and an homage to Christopher Nolan. From the Blackest holiday on the calendar to the whitest man in film? Forget it, K; it’s Chi-town. (HBO Max)

PREMIERES FRIDAY:

Christmas Bloody Christmas — It’s wacko holiday horror as a record-store owner tries to protect herself from a rampaging, homicidal Santa robot. And she thought the worst thing she’d ever have to fight was Spotify! (Shudder) Dream Home Makeover — In their fourth season, Syd and Shea McGee take on five new projects — one of them a kitchen space for a member of their own design team. But that’s nothing compared to Elon Musk: He can turn any employee’s cubicle into high-tech sleeping quarters just like that. (Netflix) Emancipation — This Antoine Fuqua flick casts Will Smith as a slave who tries to escape after being “whipped within an inch of his life.” In the slave owner’s defense, he later apologized to the Academy for letting the Devil come for him when he was at his highest moment. (Apple TV+) Hawa — Sundance award-winning director Maimouna Doucouré (Cuties) returns with the story of a teenage girl who’s living with her grandmother but trying to get adopted by one of her all-time heroines. I tell ya, you break your back to sacrifice for these kids and they just throw you over for Megan Thee Stallion. (Prime Video)

How to Ruin Christmas: The Baby Shower

— In the third season of the South African comedy series, the Sello and Twalla families’ wish to avoid spending another Christmas together is thwarted by the impending arrival of a new grandchild. This’ll be the first time a gender reveal ended with an intentional house fire. (Netflix) Idina Menzel: Which Way to the Stage? — HELLO CLEVELAND! Oops, I mean New York, which is where Menzel is headed in this documentary about her 2018 tour that ended at Madison Square Garden. That’s almost the longest it’s ever taken anyone to get from Broadway to 33rd and Seventh, except for that one time a doo-wop group on the downtown A train all got the runs at once. (Disney+) It’s a Wonderful Binge — Remember The Binge, the 2020 comedy flick that was like a spoof of The Purge but with substance abuse taking the place of violence? In its sequel, the annual Binge Night is moved to Christmas Eve, and the result is predictable: The entire country looks like the old Wally’s on any given Tuesday. (Hulu) Little America — The docuseries that explores the immigrant experience in our nation returns for a second season, with contributions from actors Phylicia Rashad, Alan S. Kim and Ki Hong Lee. Every episode will end with a song by Pitbull, to make you rethink the whole thing. (Apple TV+) Money Heist: Korea: Joint Economic Area — Part 2 of South Korea’s take on Money Heist promises narrative twists the Spanish original didn’t have. Which is good, because it was getting hard to believe that anybody in Korea would be counterfeiting euros. (Netflix)

The Muppet Christmas Carol Extended

Edition — The melancholic number “When Love Has Gone” has been restored to the Muppets’ 1992 holiday classic, in a finallycomplete version that’s hitting streaming a week after bowing in theaters. Now all we need is for somebody to locate that rumored scene of Janice doing a ping-pong act, and we’ll have something to look forward to in 2052. (Disney+)

Night at the Museum: Kahmunrah Rises

Again — You know a franchise has really given up the ghost when its fourth installment is an animated cartoon that’s going straight to streaming and doesn’t have any of the original stars in its voice cast. Thank God that Bob Iger, who greenlighted this turkey, isn’t around any more to … oh! Hi, Bob. Like what we’ve done with the place? (Disney+) Retrograde — National Geographic’s documentary filmmaking arm captures the final nine months of America’s two-decade folly in Afghanistan. Because as we all know, that’s the only part that matters. The subject of the next NatGeo exposé: How Brandon became the first U.S. President ever to suck up to the Saudis. (Disney+)

[ film + tv ]

PREMIERES MONDAY:

Baking It — Season 2 of the holiday bakeoff show has Amy Poehler joining Maya Rudolph as co-host, replacing the departed Andy Samberg. Boy, between this and not doing voice-overs for either of the Hotel Transylvania video games, it’s like he doesn’t even want to have a career anymore. (Peacock)

PREMIERES TUESDAY:

Dr. Seuss Baking Challenge — Competing teams of bakers craft artistic delicacies based on the works of Dr. Seuss. “Mmmm … I can really taste the blue fish.” (Prime Video)