Riverfront Times, December 14, 2022

Shake o those winter blues and join us for some frosty brews at the inaugural Winter Beer Festival, happening on Saturday, January 28th.

Meet us at Molly's in Soulard in the heart of downtown to sample dozens of seasonal, limited-edition beers from local and regional breweries. Get cozy with winter-themed cocktails made with top-shelf spirits and experience live music, a mouth-watering restaurant row, a curated vendor marketplace, fire pits, and much more at the first-ever Winter Beer Fest!

TABLE

Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Rosalind Early

SUBSCRIPTIONS

may be purchased for $78/6 months (MO add $4.74 sales tax) and $156/year (MO add $9.48 sales ta for first class. llow days for standard deli ery. www.riverfronttimes.com The Riverfront Times is published weekly by uclid edia rou erified udit ember Riverfront Times

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Founded by Ray Hartmann in 1977

Cover photo by MAX BOUVATTE

FRONT BURNER

FIVE QUESTIONS for ChatGPT

MONDAY,

Previously On

LAST WEEK IN ST. LOUIS

ChatGPT is an open-source AI that is supposed to write stories and poems, help explain complicated ideas and carry on conversations. We figured if it is truly wise, let’s ask it to write about St. Louis and see what it has to say.

Write a limerick about St. Louis.

In St. Louis the Arch stands tall, A symbol of the city’s all With baseball and beer, It’s a place to cheer, A Midwestern gem that’s for sure.

Wait, “sure” doesn’t rhyme with “beer” or “tall.”

In St. Louis the Arch stands tall, A symbol of the city’s all With baseball and brew, It’s a place to renew, A Midwestern gem that’s for all.

OK. Good try, AI. Can you write a drill song about Ladue? Ladue, Missouri, a city of wealth and success, Where the houses are big and the cars are the best. We grind and we hustle, we never stop pushing, We stay on our grind, always hustling and bustling …

You’re really not a good writer. My abilities are limited, I am but a simple AI. I’m not built for jokes, Or writing in folks, But I’ll try my best, don’t you sigh.

Why are you still responding in limericks? I’m responding to user input.

Write something about the Riverfront Times There once was a paper called RFT That wrote with wit and a deft Its articles smart And from the heart It’s the paper of choice for the left.

All right, AI, I see you.

—Rosalind Early

TUESDAY, DECEMBER 6 Fog again blankets the city. It could be a whole lot worse: In Jefferson County, they got an earthquake. It’s like a Tori Amos song out there. (Seriously, should we be worried?) Also: Three former aldermen went to court to beg for mercy from U.S. District Judge Stephen Clark. None was given; Clark gave all three just one month shy of the max. And while we should focus on their reprehensible corruption, we were instead riveted by the sartorial splendor that is John Collins-Muhammad. Far too few men in St. Louis these days wear homburgs, much less fur-collared coats. In this sea of sweatpants and oversized T-shirts, shouldn’t dressing like a 1930s gangster get a guy special consideration?

WEDNESDAY, DECEMBER 7 Here’s something to be happy about: Herschel Walker’s political career is over. Shit wasn’t even close — in Georgia! Maybe this means the Republican party will break free from the Orange One’s noxious grip? A St. Louisan can dream.

THURSDAY, DECEMBER 8Brittney Griner is released from a Russian penal col-

ESCAPE HATCH

ony

the U.S. swaps an

dealer. Hey,

FRIDAY, DECEMBER 9 The St. Louis Board of Aldermen gives preliminary approval to a $5 million plan to send 440 local households $500 a month in ARPA funds for the next 18 months. Thanks, Joe Biden! We predict Maplewood and Florissant will now have to pony up to keep their residents from moving into the city. Could $700 cash payments be next? Finally, the kind of regional bidding war we can get behind.

SATURDAY, DECEMBER 10 One year ago, a tornado killed six Amazon contractors in Edwardsville. The company is now rebuilding the warehouse where they died, again without a storm shelter. It is appalling, yes. Jeff Bezos is surely not surprised by our outrage — and he’s banking on our unwillingness to be inconvenienced by it. Alas, the guy’s no dope. Also: St. Louis police clocked four separate murders today alone. It’s like our criminals are trying to make up for lost time. Can’t let Memphis or Milwaukee get ahead!

SUNDAY, DECEMBER 11The Blues suffer another loss, this time to the Avalanche. Also: It’s cold out there. Our balmy December is over (for now). If it’s going to be cold and gray anyway, how about we bring on the white Christmas?

We ask three St. Louisans what they’re reading, watching or listening to. In the hot seat this week: three people in our phone contacts.

Mike Ezell, spreadsheet jockey Listening to: the Shins and Bombay Bicycle “They offer laid-back, soothing sounds during the close-of-month cycle for finance.”

Benjamin Justin Cleveland Ricciardi, psychotherapist Watching: Dark and Q: Into the Storm “I like that they distract me somewhat from having COVID. I dislike that they do not cure COVID.”

Andi Smith, editor of diapers Listening to: “Just a Fool” by Christina Aguilera on her Alexa “It’s a great song to howl out when you think of your exes.”

Jasper Art, an AI, created this rendition of fellow AI ChatGPT. | JASPER ART

DECEMBER 5 News breaks that Cardinals play-by-play announcer Dan McLaughlin was busted for driving while intoxicated — a third time. That’s a felony, even in Missouri. And what’s that they say about three strikes and you’re out?

after

arms

Biden: Now do the people serving decades’ long prison sentences for petty offenses right here in the U.S.

WEEKLY WTF?!

Seen: December 9, 12:02 p.m.

Location: I-170 South between Olive and Delmar

Remaining wheels: 0 (out of 4)

Remaining license plates: 0 (out of 2)

Free lug nuts still laying on the ground: Roughly 20

Fear factor when shooting this photo: 9 (out of 10)

SO ST. LOUIS

Secret Powers, St. Louis Style

An anonymous story about something that could only happen in the Gateway City

My Croatian parents immigrated to St. Louis when I was three. They insisted I seem as American as possible and mainly spoke to me in English — except when heated reprimands required an authoritative ferocity only a Slavic language could provide. My parents’ code-switching worked. Most people can’t tell I’m Croatian.

My incognito Croatian-ness was something of a secret power growing up in south St. Louis County, where lots of other Slavic immigrants live, too.

Slavs are gossipy by nature. If we’re not gossiping, we’re speculating about who is and whether they’re gossiping about us. This is where my secret power comes into play. I’ve overheard so many side conversations as other Slavs speak their native tongues around

me, assuming I don’t understand.

One time, my friend and I stopped on a walk through my neighborhood to speak to a couple who live near me.

I’m a chatty gal. In this scenario, I was blabbing to my neighbors about God knows what. I went on and on, until all of a sudden, the woman turned to her husband and very bluntly said, “Melje” — which loosely translates to, “She talks too much.”

It took everything in my power not to burst out in laughter. Maybe I’d be offended if I didn’t grow up translating secret comments about my behavior. But the only thing it’s done is toughen my thick, slightly olive Croatian skin.

Note: I had to ask my mom how to spell “melje” and she texted back, “I hope you are not talking about me.”

Send your So St. Louis story to jrogen@ euclidmediagroup.com.

Abandoned Car Watch

HARTMANN

Vicky Hartzler’s Crying Shame

rough tears, she glorified “traditional” marriage by hating on same-sex love

BY RAY HARTMANN

It is worth recalling today that fi e on a o aene r r e o c arer en or e en e o er o ‘forget’ about her.”

Those words — quoted by no less a right-wing authority than o e cer fie o fac one a e e on c ona r a a n no ar of o e e ern c rc a e a a n o of fa or e r c o r n e o erone an o a e a ro e e for r e n n e fir ace. . . e re en a e ar er arr on e a a e e a fron r nner o eco e e ecan no nee for o r . . ena e ea . rafa ar ro e ree nen o er a her leading both disgraced exo ernor r c re en angraceful state Attorney General r c c n a c o e ree a race.

o r e er canac e a e of oena . o can for e a o c ar er for ena e fro e rea a e of o r ” r ro e on r oc a er e Kansas City Star . e ca e e orn n a n for nor e en c a e a on an o er occa on . a ann o e n a on n e a a a e o a e on e a ca ef e ocra oe er e r ar ner n e e r c on of o r o n r e a e e e a an of co r e e ece e foo .” n ar er a coo e . a n re en er fro asserting loyalty to the narcissist who had so callously gone out of a o rec er rea .

ar er n a rr of n ere on a ra o o o n e e ac of r re ec on ” e Missouri Independent re or e . e a e on en or e en a a er co e fro o er e e a n er re a a a ror er.”

The Independent con n e e a e o one ra o o o e a on e r ore an an o er ena e can a e ac a n e co n r . ” en n a on ar er an e e or o no a e re a ne an o e en r er o e er en . n er e e ran career in Washington indeed ended — at least for now — with c . ercen o e o a a n ar er . ercen an re en . ercen . efore ea n on re ar er arnere na ona noor e a ee a arre a of re a ce. e ro e o n n ear ea n er con re ona co ea e o a e a a an for o o o a raer an a o a e e co e o con a e e r o e n arr a e. a n e or c eec for arr a e c on re ref e c re nance an e c a a on o n .

f ar er oa a o a enca e er for e co n a on accoe . a a ne er een n o . far ac a e a e o e er on for e oa on or e o ro ec arr a e c cce f connce o r o er o enac a con ona a en en ann n a e e arr a e. ra ona arr a e e basic foundation and the largest a n force n e er c e oc e ” ar er a a e e. once e a o arr a e o e co n erfe e ac e for e ca e eco e ean n e . a er ee an er o e. or an a e on a e ra ona arr a e an a e no n ere n ee n e a a .” e ran ro ec on of e ero arr a e fro e orror of non e ero eo e o a e an a o en ear en e . .re e o r a er e a e e arr a e r na ona an ar Obergefell v. Hodges r n n . n no on re

a ea e off an f re a e o en a e e arr a e by codifying it as a national right. no o one a c ear e e a ea fro ar er as the RFT re or e a ee . e o r or o ro ec reo er ro ec eo e of fa an ro ec er can o e e e n e r e ean n of arr a e.” a n of er on co eco e o ra o er e o of o er eo e o a e one non o er ef er re ce a e e a e n o co roc a c e e ro en a e fee of an e c ea e a o ore o efi e raona arr a e” an an one n e or .

Let’s not forget all of those years of r a n n ea e or a o ea ne e o e o his scandals and cheating during arr a e o fir fe e a e ana r an econ fe ar a a e o e a o en c ea e on ana. n ere a of co r e e a e e c ea n on a e e e a re nan e r daughter Tiffany. Which sounds a o e o e a e o c rren fe e an a a n e a orn ar e e a n r n e r on arron an ano er o an on a er. orr on re o an o cannot boast about your “reliabila a r or er” an a efen er of e r e ean n of arr a e” fi e on a ar . r e en fi e enn a a ar . What a contrast to the willingne of a e e co e o enre en e o r an er ec on c ec ar n e r o e a arr a e con rac reen e o an o of arer . o a e r e ean n of arr a e.” ar er cer fie e a en cof er a re o ar eo e er ear . a a en a of e o er of reo o a a con on o c o ar a e n antory owe their origins. ar er o r on ran . n e Advocate e reenen ca on c e ar er a one of e na on fo r or o o o e n reen n er o a” a ar . She earned that with her failed on or of an a en en o

a efen e a o a e forbidden transition-related healthcare en n e ar . of o an o a a een o ne a e or en e . e o er o n r e or c a o fa a e a een con raene n a er n o o on o oc a ro ra a o or o er nco e fa e fore n o ar er o ca constituency.

on re en o no a r e a nor o care o eca e. ere a fac a ea for e f fi e on af er e e a er o n co n ca on rec or a e of a ea n ar eca e e a nacc na e ar er a e a a a a e co on orn a o en fe era acc ne an a e for e o ee .

o oe a a e e a e or of eron o e o n ne e n re ar er fe o e o a e a o eo c rece e ore an a f a on e n fir o r accor n o News.

o a a n c ar e cr n eca e a eo e e e can e arr e ” e ear o a n e eo c a are r a . o e e con o o a n a e rar e e a c of a o o o e.” o f a o r a een e a of ar er o r . e e ec for arr a e c a ro ar er o ear re re a e o onor a e e arr ae fro o er a e . o no an a e a e a o c arr a e o a e ace n their own states going forward ere e . . re e o r o o er rn Obergefell in the future. er ear e ar er a no er anen cra e n er er roc . on a ea o e er fin acce ance o e for a will not be confused as a tradiona er can a e. oo a o orro a ra e fro ar er er e o r a e can “forget about her.” n

Ray Hartmann founded the Riverfront Times in 1977. Contact him at rhartmann1952@ gmail.com or catch him at 7 p.m. on Thursdays on Nine PBS and St. Louis in the Know with Ray Hartmann from 9-11 p.m. Monday thru Friday on KTRS (550 AM).

Former Aldermen Sentenced

Lewis Reed, John Collins-Muhammad and Je rey Boyd will serve a collective 10-plus years in

prison for bribery charges

Written by RYAN KRULL

Last week, three former city leaders were sentenced to a combined decade in prison.

Former President of the Board of Aldermen Lewis Reed and former Alderman John CollinsMuhammad must each serve 45 months. Former Alderman Jeffrey Boyd received a 36-month sentence. All three resigned from their positions earlier this year following their indictments for accepting bribes in exchange for promises to help local businessman Mohammed Almuttan secure tax abatements on property he owned.

In addition to the bribery surrounding the tax abatement, Reed and Collins-Muhammad also accepted money from Almuttan in exchange for attempting to help the businessman secure city trucking contracts. Boyd also engaged in attempted insurance fraud with vehicles that belonged to Almuttan.

ac an a a o fine . ee a fine c a romates the value of the bribes Reed accepted. Boyd, however, was fine ce e a e of the bribes he accepted. Collinsa a a fine on two bribery-related charges.

In sentencing all three men, Judge Stephen Clark stressed the difference between statesmen and politicians, saying that statesmen experience the “stress of soul” that comes with the reon of e r e ec e o ce. Judge Clark indicated that the three men failed to live up to the title of statesmen, and that they went about their corruption as if it were the “accepted, uneventful”

way of doing business in St. Louis.

The three sentences handed down by Judge Clark were all very near the highest end of the federal guidelines for the crimes to which the men had pleaded guilty.

ee a e a of e three to be sentenced. When the 45-month sentence was announced, it led to many audible gasps and to people running out of the courtroom.

Prior to his sentencing, Reed had a chance to lobby the judge for leniency. He cited a long list of what the city had accomplished r n ear a re en of the Board of Aldermen. In a statement that at times felt like a campaign speech, Reed touted development on Washington Avenue, laying the groundwork for the new St. Louis Major League Soccer team and the re-accreditation of St. Louis Public Schools.

Reed’s attorney, Scott Rosenblum, spoke in court about Reed’s hardscrabble background, his getting kicked out of his own home by his mother as a youth and later having to sleep in his car. Rosenblum noted that Reed had persevered through a great deal to become the second most powerful elected leader in the city.

When it was his turn to address the judge, federal prosecutor Hal Goldsmith said that it was exactly Reed’s position of power, second in the city only to the mayor, that

made Reed’s betrayal of public trust so damaging to faith in government writ large.

All told, Reed pleaded guilty to a n n ca an in campaign contributions to help Almuttan’s business secure trucking contracts and get a minorne cer fica on. or e property tax abatement scheme that included Collins-Muhammad, ee oo n r e .

Reed was allowed to leave the courtroom free on bond prior to having to report to the Bureau of Prisons to serve his sentence. In addition to the 45-month sentence an fine e a e o er e three years supervised release after serving his time.

As Rosenblum and Reed left the courtroom, Rosenblum spoke r e o re or er a n a e predicted Reed would “rise like a phoenix from the ashes and do better things in the city.”

Reed’s sentencing came on the heels of the sentencing of his codefendants Collins-Muhammad and Boyd.

o n a a o a e fir of e ree o e entenced, will also have to serve 45 months in federal prison.

In arguing for a more lenient sentence, Collins-Muhammad’s attorney, Joseph Flees, said to the judge that his client was “a political novice compared to his codefendants” Boyd and Reed, who have both

been in politics for decades.

Flees went on to describe Collins-Muhammad as a young man in “a position of power and responsibility without the maturity to handle it.”

However, Goldsmith countered that it was Collins-Muhammad who introduced Reed and Boyd to an n e fir ace.

Goldsmith also stressed that Collins-Muhammad had acted duplicitously. According to Goldsmith, Collins-Muhammad took bribes from Almuttan, promising to win him a tax abatement on a property where Almuttan hoped to build a gas station, while at the same time Collins-Muhammad was assuring residents of his own ward that such a gas station, which residents saw as a magnet for crime, would never get built.

“He was playing both sides,” Goldsmith said.

Collins-Muhammad pleaded o acce n n ca an n ca a n con rtions. He also got a Volkswagen e an an an e one from Almuttan for his help with tax abatements.

Like Reed, Collins-Muhammad will remain free on bond before reporting to the Bureau of Prisons to serve his sentence.

After Collins-Muhammad came o for er a er an for e n ar . e ea e o acce n an ano er n car re a r frotan in exchange for helping Almuttan secure a tax abatement as well as supporting the businessan e n a ercen co n on a piece of commercial property owned by the city that Boyd said a or .

Boyd additionally engaged in what Goldsmith called an audacious act of insurance fraud in which cars on Almuttan’s property were damaged and Boyd falfie oc en o r o a e look like he owned the cars and had insurance policies on them prior to them being damaged.

In his own request for leniency, Boyd spoke about his military service, having joined the armed force n . e a e a asaulted early in his service and suffers from PTSD to this day. He asked the judge for probation so that he could continue to get the help he needs from the Veterans Administration. n

John Collins-Muhammad (center) walks into the courthouse to be sentenced. | RYAN KRULL

‘They’re Stupid’

Aldewoman expresses frustration with mayor’s o ce, others over miscommunications and delayed streets and forestry budget

Written by MONICA OBRADOVIC

The budget for an infrastructure improvement fund critical for the city’s street department and forestry division has not been updated in two years — a delay blocking millions in funding for employee pay, sidewalks, road repairs and more.

The fund in question, St. Louis Works, uses a percentage of utility an o or e c e a e o fi ewalks, repair roads, provide equipment upgrades and cover a select few city employees’ pay. No updated budget for STL Works had been passed on to the Board of Aldermen for two years, until last week.

At the center of the two-year lag lies failures of communication between St. Louis Mayor Tishaura one o ce an e ree ra c and Refuse Committee. Both parties blame the other for the delay. aron ar a er oan and chair of the streets comee a e e a or o ce. She says it’s “pretty simple” why an STL Works bill has not been introduced in two years — none of the people responsible for providing an STL Works budget when hired “had any experience or knowledge about their respective jobs or how to navigate City Hall.” ec fica o n e fin er at Executive Director of Operations Nancy Cross and Director of Streets Betherny Williams — who, according to Tyus, failed for several months to answer her queson a o a co ne an e a ro o e n March. The mayor appointed Williams and Cross last year.

“I do not sponsor bills in front of a committee unless I am fully prepared to answer all potential questions from committee mem-

bers,” Tyus tells the Riverfront Times. “I am also not in the habit of chasing the person down who wants me to sponsor a bill.”

Jones spokesman Nick Desideri says multiple staffers reached out to Tyus multiple times to push STL Works forward, and Williams was not at fault.

St. Louis Plans on Reparations

“Our administration has full confi ence n rec or a in her work on this issue and her efforts to improve reliability of city services,” Desideri said in a statement.

Emails provided to the RFT show Williams and Board of Aldermen liaison Kevin Bailey

reached out to Tyus at least four times via email between March and November. In November, Williams wrote she tried to call Tyus but received no answer and could not leave a voicemail as the alderwoman’s voicemail was full. Williams also appeared in at least three street committee hearings this year, according to Desideri.

Tyus says she herself tried multiple times to speak to Williams, and her calls went unanswered as well.

n a o e er e er o Cross said the failure to pass on a new budget to the Board of Aler en oc e . on n funding.

“This two-year delay has forced key city divisions and departments to reallocate funding for employee pay while stalling service and delaying needed upra e o e c ee an o er equipment,” Cross wrote.

When asked to explain how the or a co oc . million in funding as the mayor o ce c a e re e “They’re stupid.”

nities in our city after decades of disinvestment. We cannot succeed as a city if one half is allowed to fail.”

Prospective members of the reparations commission will have to apply to join, with the mayor choosing the final nine appointees.

Six of the nine members must already have certain roles: One member, for example, must be a licensed attorney, another an ordained faith leader.

In an email Thursday, Tyus a ro an e a or o ce should be “really embarrassed” for their incompetence. Streets Commissioner Kent Flake said under oath at a streets committee hearing this week that Tyus had not received last year’s STL Works budget because he was busy. Flake a o e fie a a no e cause of the hold up.

Written by MONICA OBRADOVIC

Mayor Tishaura Jones signed an executive order last week creating a volunteer reparations commission to explore rectifying racial injustice in St. Louis.

The nine-member commission will research how St. Louis’ turbulent racial history has led to race-based harms for city residents and will create a manifesto of such harms. Eventually, under no clear timeline, the commission will propose potential monetary repairs for the harms St. Louis’ racial history has inflicted on the oppressed.

“The people closest to the problems are closest to the solution,” Jones said in a statement. “I look forward to reviewing this commission’s work to chart a course that restores the vitality of Black commu-

The remaining three members must be residents of St. Louis and have experience in social justice initiatives or “facilitating public dialogue,” among other qualifications.

Jones’ signing of Executive Order 74 comes over a year after the mayor joined 11 mayors nationwide to pledge reparations to generational victims of slavery. The mayors had no details on how to execute their promise when they announced it in June 2021.

Jones has since approved a bill allowing residents and businesses to donate to a reparations fund, calling it “a first step” for something that needed “deliberate, studied implementation.”

At an event in October, the mayor promised to sign an executive order to establish a reparations commission such as the one on the horizon today.

Those interested in applying can do so on the city’s website. n

“I have covered up for the mayor o ce oo an e an have quietly cleaned up their many mistakes,” Tyus tells the RFT. a e o a o ce on many occasions to just come clean with their mistakes instead of trying to push the blame onto someone else.”

Tyus later bemoaned the mayor o ce co er ” an e .”

“Their duplicitous actions make me ashamed that I have been the only Black alderperson who has supported Tishaura for both treasurer and mayor,” Tyus said.

Williams and Tyus ultimately had a short conversation on Dece er . f er ar a e instructed the Board of Aldermen clerk to introduce an STL Works board bill with her as a sponsor for e e on e a .

e a fir rea n at Friday’s Board of Aldermen meeting.

e city is creating an exploratory commission on reparations

Alderwoman Sharon Tyus says the delay is due to the mayor’s o ce miscommunicating. | RYAN GINES

MISSOURILAND

Prints Charming

e arts community flooded Cherokee Street with prints and more for the annual bazaar

Text and photos by DMITRI JACKSON

The 15th annual Print Bazaar on Cherokee Street took place December 3. Organized by the Cherokee Street Foundation, it showcased over 100 artists in 30-plus venues on and around the street.

Crowds descended onto Cherokee, to view and buy vibrant artwork from local printmakers, illustrators and zinesters. An elecr c crea e ener o e fro storefront to storefront, a perfect tonic to the raw bite of the chilly December air. n

The Fight for

for St. Mary’s

BY BENJAMIN SIMON PHOTOS BY MAX BOUVATTE

For Bryan Turner, September 27 began like any other day. Turner, 41, is a creature of habit.

As a teacher, basketball coach, assistant athletic director and parent, he works 12-hour days jam-packed c oo an rac ce efore ac on fiure playdates with his son. Turner keeps his schedule the same, every morning, so when the uncontrollable happens, he doesn’t lose control.

That’s how September 27 started. He woke at 5 a.m., made his Starbucks coffee in a French press, cooked breakfast burritos next to his wife and walked his Maltese dog named after a favorite WWE wrestler. Then he drove his 10-year-old son to school, listening to Christian hip-hop, and drove another 30 minutes back to St. Mary’s High School, listening to Nas. He arrived at 8:30 a. . an or e n o ce o e ” a e ca ne fa or e no ene ac on fi re . At 12:45 p.m., 15 minutes into a class discussion of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens, he got the email. or an ” e r nc a e an. aff ee n oa a .” a r ere ” e a a e ear ro . fe e er n n o ac ar n o en .”

Turner looked outside his door. He made eye contact with the teacher across the hall, who later said she felt sick. They knew what might be coming. He had been at St. Mary’s for seven years. He’d heard the rumors. Every-

e 27-acre St. Mary’s campus is in the Dutchtown neighborhood. If the school were to close, it would be the third shuttered school in a five-block radius.

After the archdiocese tried to close St. Mary’s, the school pulled together. This week, they won the reprieve Dutchtown had been waiting for

ST. MARY’S

one had. St. Mary’s, they feared, would be the next Catholic school to close.

Still, Turner didn’t think that decision was coming. Not in the middle of the school year. Not to an institution like St. Mary’s, which serves 216 boys on a gorgeous 27acre campus in St. Louis’ Dutchtown neighborhood, a school with back-to-back state football championships, over 90 years of history and 12,000 alumni — some of the most famous in the city, including former Mayor Francis Slay and auto dealer Frank Bommarito.

Later in the afternoon, in front of teachers and staff members, school President Mike England broke the news: The Archdiocese of St. Louis was closing St. Mary’s in eight months.

Turner felt blindsided –– by the announcement, by the timn e ncer a n . fir thought,” he says, “was why us?”

But Turner couldn’t show his emotions. “Lead beyond pain,” he preaches. He still had basketball practice and a soccer game. He told his players they could go home if they wanted. He shooed away reporters. He tried to answer every phone call and text until he couldn’t take it anymore –– and he uncharacteristically turned off his phone and fell asleep around 8 p.m.

The next morning, his son overhead the news as Turner informed his in-laws. His son grew up at the school, attending summer camp, neighborhood service days and practice. He was waiting, Turner says, “to be a Dragon.”

“St. Mary’s is closing?’” his son asked.

Then he burst into tears.

“I had to just hold him and hug him,” Turner recalls.

But it was 7 a.m., and school started in an hour. Turner put his coffee in the French press, made his breakfast burritos, walked his dog, drove Nate, organized a practice plan and told his class what he always told them.

“I’m here,” he said, “’til the wheels fall off.”

One month after the announcement in early November, Bryan Turner draws a circle on the whiteboard and writes the word “victim” inside of it.

“That victim-itis virus is more contagious than COVID,” Turner warns the students. “It’s more

con a o an e .”

About 10 freshmen sit inside a classroom meant for 20. It’s a sleepy post-lunch class. Kids in green polos lean on their elbows, scrunching their faces, grabbing at their Crocs, scrolling on their Chromebooks. The normalcy is jarring –– just a normal classroom, normal kids, doing normal high school things, in a school where no one yet knows if it will be open next year.

fi n en a o a eson is about control. Turner reads from The 7 Habits of Highly Effective Teens. “This is why we need to stop worrying about things we can’t control and start worrying about things that we can,” Turner says.

He shuts the book and looks out to the class.

“So that’s a life lesson right there. Let’s close up the Chromebooks. Because y’all all in those screens. Close them up.” The students shut their laptops. “So I shouldn’t be worrying about things that I can’t control,” he continues. “Woke up this morning –– if it was raining outside, can I control that?”

“No,” the class responds.

“Can’t control that, right? Can you control who your parents are?”

“No.”

“Can’t control that, right? You can only control the things that you can control.”

Turner asks the class to name some things they can’t control. The weather, the kids repeat. Oth-

er people. No one mentions the school closing.

Maybe it’s because the school refused to let this be the end of St. Mary’s. Since the announcement, administrators have vowed to stay open as an independent school, scrambling to devise a multi-million-dollar plan to keep the school alive. “The Work is Ours,” the campaign is called.

And it has achieved that goal. President Mike England wrote the RFT on Tuesday that the school a fina e a ear ea e a reement with the Archdiocese and a sponsorship agreement with the Marianists.” The archdiocese confir e e ne .

It will be renamed St. Mary’s South Side Catholic High School. This comes after the school raised . on fro fi e e ara e donors over a three month span. The deal cements St. Mary’s immediate future, providing it some rea n roo . e fi remains as St. Mary’s must raise millions every year to keep the c oo a oa a a a a not been accomplished by other closed Catholic schools in recent years.

Turner also knows the reality of school closings as St. Louis has shrunk in size.

Before he played Division 1 basketball at Southern Illinois University Carbondale, he grew up in north St. Louis near Fairground Park during the 1980s and ’90s, attending local public schools

–– Farragut Elementary, Williams School and Beaumont High School.

Now, all of those schools are closed. Sometimes Turner wonders if he’s cursed.

“Damn, BT. I just put it together,” a football coach tells Turner when he brings up this story. “You’re the school killer.”

“That’s what I’m trying to say!” Turner says. “Every school I go to closes!”

But Turner is not the school killer. In reality, for decades, school enrollment in St. Louis Catholic schools has been dropping. A number of factors have played a role, including the emergence of free charter schools, a decreased interest in religious education and, most importantly, a decline in population in the city. In 2021, the total number of Catholics in the archdiocese fell below 500,000 –– the fewest since the 1960s, the archdiocese tells RFT. There are 19,000 students in the Catholic school system across the metro, but space for 36,000.

The archdiocese faces a crossroads: There are too many buildings and not enough students.

Over the last 10 years, the archdiocese has closed three high schools. None have reopened. And now, the Catholic community is bracing for its largest tidal wave of closures with the archdiocese’s most recent initiative, “All Things New,” a multi-year consolidation plan introduced in January 2022.

e St. Mary’s campus features a church, school buildings, a football field and a baseball field.

St. Mary’s and the all-girls Rosatia n c oo ere e fir cuts. But more are scheduled, with additional grade schools and nearly 100 parishes ultimately expected to close. The archdiocese hopes to raise teacher salaries an e er fi n “All Things New.”

What’s happening in St. Louis is happening across the country. Since 1971, the number of students attending Catholic schools has dropped from 4.4 million to 1.6 million students, according to the Center for Applied Research in the Apostolate. On average, 100 Catholic schools close every year, according to the National Catholic Educational Association.

Catholic schools with a higher percentage of Black students are closing at an even greater rate. Although Black students make up only 7 percent of the overall Catholic student body, they make up 18 percent of students in schools that closed, National Catholic Educational Association data shows.

St. Mary’s is this kind of school, a place where the majority of the enrollment is Black and about 50 percent of students aren’t Catholic. For decades, St. Mary’s was a majority-white school. But around the mid-2010s, the makeup shifted –– and shifted quickly. In a matter of a few years, the school became majority Black.

When the archdiocese decided to close St. Mary’s, people questioned its decision to shut down another predominantly Black high school, in the predominantly Black Dutchtown neighborhood. In 2021 the archdiocese closed Trinity High School, a school with over 80 percent Black students in Spanish Lake. The second school on the archdiocese’s closure list this year, Rosati-Kain, is another school with a large Black population. In St. Louis there are just two African American priests and zero Black seminaries, the St. Louis Post-Dispatch reports.

The archdiocese wrote to the RFT that many factors went into the decision to close St. Mary’s, including “current enrollment and enrollment trends, school capacity, percentage of school expenses covered by school families (tuition/fees), archdiocesan funding, and location/proximity to other Catholic schools. ...

“This decrease in enrollment has reduced the amount of income from tuition revenue to pay for teachers, staff, operating expenses and building maintenance,” Father Chris Martin, vicar for strategic planning, wrote to the RFT

Enrollment at St. Mary’s has been tumbling for years. Founded in 1931 as South Side Catholic High School, the school had nearly 1,100 students in 1946. By 1964, that number dropped to 883. By 2021, that number was 270.

But school President Mike England says money is the main reason for the closure. About 92 percent of St. Mary’s students are on financ a a .

Serving everyone, though, is the institution’s mission. “The true essence of the school was what was important to my heart,” he says, “which is making a quality Catholic education accessible to all students, especially those that cannot afford it.”

For years, the archdiocese has carried the brunt of St. Mary’s operating costs, England says. He explains that his school needs er en o a a oa . But the tuition is only $11,000 a year –– and few families even pay that much. This means the archdiocese spent between $1.2 and $1.5 million annually on the school, England estimates. (When asked a o e ro e finance a e n the decision to close St. Mary’s, the archdiocese again pointed to enrollment and proximity to other schools, Bishop DuBourg High School being the closest, about three miles away.)

“I understand they have lots of financ a o a on ” n an says. “Their business decision here was that they can’t afford to give us that money anymore. I accept that. That’s their decision. I appreciate all that they’ve done to get us to this point.

“But now, we’ve got to put that money together. We’ve got to put a plan together. And that’s what we’re doing right now.”

Just like their mom, Kayla Williams’ kids are shy. It takes time for them to feel comfortable in public and to dance and laugh and act like the “goofballs” they are at home. Until they feel settled, they won’t say much.

That’s part of the reason Williams chose St. Mary’s for her three boys. Despite being a St. Louis native, she had never heard of the school, a majority-white Catholic school that wasn’t very good at basketball.

That is, until a basketball coach approached Williams’ oldest son, Yuri Collins, then a middle schooler at Compton-Drew. He suggested that Yuri and his parents check out St. Mary’s.

From top: Bryan Turner is a basketball coach at St. Mary’s; a music class; school President Mike England in his o ce; Mr. Donald Schnorbus teaches math class.

ST. MARY’S

Williams agreed, but she felt nervous. She didn’t know how to feel about her son attending an all-boys school 45 minutes away from their home in north county. Quickly, though, she felt comfortable. While the archdiocese fretted over declining enrollments, that’s what attracted Williams to the school.

“I love St. Mary’s because it’s small,” she says. “They get the one-on-one; they get the help that they need.”

r en ere fir e er n as an elite basketball player, leading the Dragons to a state championship appearance in 2019 and earning a basketball scholarship to Saint Louis University. It set off a cascade effect in her family. Her two younger boys and a nephew followed. It took time for Williams’ youngest kids to adjust. But now, a few years in, they’re starting to get more comfortable e re ar n o fin e r “groove,” Williams says. One plays football, both play basketball, and Williams’ sophomore is the star of the basketball team.

Then the archdiocese closed it. Williams got the email as she sat at work. She had no idea it was coming.

When everyone got home that night, Williams, her husband and her kids sat around the diningroom table. They went through potential options. What if they transferred to this school? Or that school? Surely plenty of schools would want their basketball and football talents. Coaches were already reaching out. They could play anywhere in the city.

“We talked about different schools and where they would like to go,” she says. “And they couldn’t come up with anything. And I couldn’t come up with anything.”

She stressed about it for days. “It was like, ‘What am I going to do? Will I have to divide my boys up and send them to different schools?’” she says. “And, you know, I didn’t want to do that. I just wanted to keep the school thing going.”

While St. Mary’s has scrambled behind closed doors to create a plan, teachers, parents and students have had to do the groundwork. They’ve dealt with months of uncertainty, without any clue if their school would stay open this year or the next or the next. For Williams, that meant just waiting. For Turner, that meant teaching

about control and making the notnormal seem normal.

“If they see me in here energized, happy to be here, then they’re gonna be happy to be here,” Turner says of his students. “If they see me down, hearing rumblings of, ‘Man, coach is checked out,’ well, they’re going to check out. So I’m just trying to be as positive as possible around here for these next couple of months.”

For, junior David Leonard, Williams’ nephew, that meant listening and trusting Turner and the other teachers. He says that the kids at school talked about the closing. But their coaches and teachers tried to shift their attention away from it. They tried to get them to stay focused on the state championship, schoolwork and the things in front of them.

“We just [took] it day by day,” Leonard says. “You never know. Anything can happen. So we [were] just staying prepared, for real for real.”

Leonard, who grew up just a few blocks away, dreamed of going to St. Mary’s. As a kid, he snuck under the tall gates, throwing spirals with his friends, pretending to be the starting quarterback of the St. Mary’s Dragons.

A decade later, he is the starting quarterback at St. Mary’s, recently leading the Dragons to back-to-back state titles. He hopes to attend college, play football and study something in aerospace. But before then, he doesn’t want to leave St. Mary’s. “The school,” he says, “is like a family.” He doesn’t want to stop attending his neighborhood school or dissecting animals in his favorite zoology class. He doesn’t want to wear his goodluck charm, a paper name tag, on another jersey. He wants to stay at St. Mary’s.

“[My mom] said we’re just going to pray, hoping the school stays open,” he says. “Just keep praying. That’s all.”

But they don’t need to pray anymore.

As Eric Ford walks next to an abandoned brick building in Dutchtown, there’s a bang. And another bang. There’s no one around, and the street is empty except for piles of crunchy leaves, on a Tuesday at 5 p.m. in October. Ford, a longtime Dutchtown community member, doesn’t pay much mind to the noise. He just points up towards the nearby building: the ghost of Cleveland High School. Someone must be inside, he says.

From top: Kameron Hurst in the very green hallways of St. Mary’s; Derron Perkins plays trombone in music class; Junior David Leonard (le ), the school’s starting quarterback, speaks with Myles Hawkins; the wrestling team practices.

Cleveland High School, just half a mile down Grand Boulevard from St. Mary’s, might as well be a castle. Perched on top of a hill, it takes up 10 acres and two full city blocks. It’s a piece of art ––constructed in 1915 as the city’s largest public school with two towers and sculptures of people’s faces carved above the entrance. There’s ornate brass inside, a swimming pool, and a gigantic theater with a balcony that looks like it deserves to be inside Powell Hall.

But Cleveland closed in 2006. Sixteen years later, the school remains empty. Now, Ford says, “it’s just an eyesore.” Windows are punched in and debris sits next to the school. Trees grow from e oor ar of e roof are ca e n oo en oor are c ring from leaked water, basketball backboards are smashed and the walls are ripped apart. In 2020, a fire er e n e c oo a re re o er firefi er . don’t think there’s a copper pipe in here,” Ford says.

Despite the news that the school will stay open for now, it’s future is far from certain. This is just what worries neighbors –– another vacant school in Dutchtown. And especially St. Mary’s, a sprawling facility that looks more like a college campus, with a school building, church, basketball gym, foota fie a e a fie an o of green space in between.

“[Dutchtown] is kind of on the edge in my opinion,” 13th Ward Alderwoman Anne Schweitzer says. “Big catastrophic things like the school closing can’t happen to Dutchtown. This is an area that needs something like an infusion of resources –– not resources to be taken.”

If St. Mary’s closed, it would mean three former school buildn n a fi e oc ra on Grand. (Scruggs Elementary, between St. Mary’s and Cleveland, closed in 2010 but has been repurposed.) In a community where nearly 25 percent of properties are vacant, it represents a threat to the progress in the area, even if it is somewhat uneven progress.

“Dutchtown is a place where the strength of diversity and urban grit really shines through,” Dutchtown Main Streets President Nate Lindsey says. “But it’s also a place where you can put a magnifying glass on St. Louis’ past policy failures that have resulted in a concentration of poverty and wealth extraction.”

Community members say that, as much as the neighborhood is on the brink, it could also turn a

corner and become a blueprint for revitalization in St. Louis, a place where you see all kinds of different people on the streets.

You’ll see a quaint commercial strip on Meramec Street with a local drugstore, taco shop and a thrift store that, together, make it look like small-town main street. You’ll see the words “Dutchtown” and “Together We Grow” painted on concrete barriers. You’ll hear soccer games at Marquette Park, church bells from St. Anthony’s and neighbors stopping each other on the street to say hello.

But it’s a neighborhood, a largely Black neighborhood, that has suffered from severe disinvestment for decades. Another school closing, people worry, could turn the area in the wrong direction.

“It’s a problem anywhere there’s a giant vacant school building,” Schweitzer says. “In areas like Dutchtown, where, man, it is r n o fin fee . ctown has so many people who are dedicated to its success, and then something terrible will happen, and it just is like a slap in the face to all of the people who are trying so hard to improve it.”

fir . ar ee e o resist the largely Black neighborhood around it, remaining a majority-white school in the mid2010s.

But over the years, the school made more of an effort to become a part of the community. It started the Day of Service, where students spend a morning cleaning the neighborhood. It joined the St. Joseph Housing Initiative, where students help renovate vacant Dutchtown homes that are later o o fir e o eo ner .

To England, the current president, nothing was more representative of the school than the tall gates that surround the property. They seemed to keep out people in the houses around the school, telling them that they are not welcome. As a school that prided itself on being “southside,” this was not the message it wanted to send.

“We’re here to serve this area,” says England, who arrived at the school in 2013. “We have to make it clear to the people who live around us that they’re welcome here, we want them here.”

Mike England’s eye is bright red.

“You might see my eye, it’ll get better,” the school president said in October. “But I think that’s just stress. It’s been stressful and sleepless nights.”

One month after the closing

announcement, England speaks fro o ce ere a c re of the grandparents who helped fund his Catholic education and a copy of The Broken Heart of America by Walter Johnson sit on his desk. He speaks slowly, with lots of pauses, and intense eye contact. He says he’s not stressed about the school closing; he’s stressed about having to save it so quickly, in a matter of three months.

Like everyone, England has his own story to tell about the day the archdiocese said it would close St. Mary’s. “I was shocked,” he says, pausing for emphasis. “Shocked.”

England, though, pretty quickly came up with a bold proposition: He wanted to keep the school open.

It wasn’t as simple as saying, “We want to stay open.” Keeping the school open would require operating as an independent school, crea n a non rofi or an ation and developing a governing oar a co an e fi c ar responsibilities –– all things the archdiocese previously did.

It would also cost a lot of money.

England and a team of alumni calculated it would take about $2 million per year to keep the school open –– $10 million over fi e ear . . ar o a e to raise the money itself.

But within three months –– before even soliciting donations from the public –– the school had already raised over $3 million, mostly from fi e e ara e onor .

Even before the archdiocese confir e o ea e e an to the school, England was optimistic. “I think that there’s gonna be a rainbow at the end of this thing,” England says. “It’s just riding through the storm right now, to get to the rainbow that we need.”

He was right. The school will be open for the next three years, representing an unprecedented turnaround and a miraculous dash to save the school. But the long-term future is still not set in stone.

A big donor could pull out. The cost could exceed the estimates. Enrollment could continue to fall. They could, simply, not raise enough money.

Take the example of St. James the Greater. The archdiocese closed the Catholic elementary school in Dogtown in 2016. Backers pulled together enough money to keep it open for two years. Then the school closed.

But don’t tell that to Mike England. He won’t take that. They’ve already secured $3 million, and they plan to get more, he’ll say. e a e a fi e ear an. e want to increase enrollment through initiatives like adding

more trade classes. They just won back-to-back football state championships. And despite the archdiocese’s announcement, they have received 40 applications for next year’s freshman class.

At the end of the day, St. Mary’s can’t close, he says. “It’s too important.” England will repeat it, over and over again, until his eye turns red.

“We can’t go away, we’re too important,” he says. “We’re too important to the young men that we serve. And we’re too important to this neighborhood.”

On the opening night of the St. Mary’s basketball season, the crowd is itching to make some noise. The green bleachers, sitting under decades of championship banners, are fi e o e r aren students, community members and football players, who are waiting to receive their state championship medals. A woman stands on the sideline, hopping up and down during defensive possessions. “D-up! D-up!” she yells.

But the St. Mary’s team just can’t seem to string together a few baskets against the much-taller John Burroughs. Every cheer dies quickly. Turner, in a white St. Mary’s polo and bright green shoes, paces the sideline –– occasionally jumping on the court, when the ref isn’t looking, in a defensive stance to rile up his team.

Then it happens. Late in the fir a f . ar ra n a Burroughs player launches into a fast break. Out of nowhere, a St. ar a er co e n fro behind. He rockets into the air and swats the lay-up out of bounds.

The crowd erupts. “AHHHH!” It’s deafening. Screaming, hollering, clapping, pounding. The bleachers shake. Parents hold their hands above their heads. Kids rub their heads in disbelief. Turner runs onto the court. “We ain’t coming here to play!” a woman yells from the crowd.

A senior watches the game from the back of the bleachers. He lounges against the wall, taking it all in. At the time, no one knew exactly what the future would hold for St. Mary’s. And they’re still not certain it will be open after three years. But the vibe in the school, he says, has never felt depressed. Look around. The gym is bursting with energy. It feels like a school a a e or a ea fi n to stay alive. And that’s for one reason, he says, gesturing to the students.

“We,” he says, “make it lit.” n

CALENDAR

BY RIVERFRONT TIMES STAFF

THURSDAY 12/15

Color Me

Impressed

Want to express yourself creatively while getting some info about the St. Louis of yesteryear? Then we recommend checking out The Great Holiday Coloring Party in MacDermott Grand Hall at the Missouri History Museum (5700 Lindell Boulevard, 314746-4599, mohistory.org). The museum is decked out in twinkle lights and other holiday decor. The event will include craft tables and a presentation on downtown holiday storefronts of days gone by. Plus, guests can visit the exhibit Coloring STL and draw in holiday cheer to the dry-erase images of the Lou currently adorning museum walls. The event is free and kicks off with a happy hour at 5:30 p.m. and runs until 8 p.m.

FRIDAY 12/16

Love and War

To complement its exhibit Global Threads: The Art and Fashion of Indian Chintz, the Saint Louis Art Museum (1 Fine Arts Drive, 314721-0072, slam.org) is showing the o oo fi Bajirao Mastani It’s a love story between Bajirao, a clever general, and his wife, Mastani, a princess warrior, who meet happenstance on the battlefie fi n e e. e two embark on a passionate love that can’t be stopped by external forces. Catch the epic story at the Farrell Auditorium beginning at 6:30 p.m. Tickets are $5 or free for museum members.

Mississippi Queens

All aboard for one river cruise that’s sure to be a real drag. Riverboats

at the Gateway Arch’s (50 South Leonor K. Sullivan Boulevard, 314982-1410) Decked Out Divas, St. o on oa n ra erforance e a for fina cr e of 2022. Join the gals at 6 p.m. for an evening of drag performances, libations and sparkly city views onboard a classic riverboat. It is guaranteed to be the sauciest night you’ll have on the Mighty Mississippi. Tickets are $24 for this 21-andup event and can be purchased in advance through Eventbrite.

SATURDAY 12/17

Outlaw Art

Do you have one of those people on your Christmas shopping list who already has everything they could ever need? You know, someone who is just too contented with their life to want a new sweater or a pour-over coffee pot. One of those jerks. Well, the only thing to do is get them a super unique gift

that will wake ’em up from their happy stupor and zap some life into them. Artwork by St. Louis’ famous printmaker Tom Huck is just the thing to do that. The Missouri native crafts woodcut prints that are satirical, wild, crude in the best way and certainly won’t leave anyone napping. The best place to pick one up — and check out offerings from a host of local artists — is at the Evil Prints Holiday Sale held at the Witt Building (2929 South Jefferson Avenue). The fun kicks off at 11 a.m. and runs until 6 p.m. More info at evilprints.com.

’Tis the Season

Still need to do some holiday shopping? Shop local! Tower Grove Farmers’ Market (4256 Magnolia Avenue) is back for the month of December with its very own Holiday Market. Catch the last market of the season on Saturday, December 17, from 8 a.m. to 12:30 p.m. Vendor spots are still available. Message Deanna Pickett on Face-

e Evil Prints Holiday Sale will feature prints from Tom Huck and other local artists | COURTESY SAINT LOUIS ART MUSEUM

book if your business is interested in being added to the spot list!

Blinged Out

You don’t need to go to a light show on Saturday. Instead, the light show will come to you –– in biker form. This weekend will mark the annual Kool Yule bike ride, where participants are encouraged to light up, shine and bedazzle their bikes and ride around St. Charles. “The more lights and bling the better,” the event listing boasts. This isn’t a race. It is a leisurely bike ride where people will have the opportunity to enjoy the holiday cheer. Participants will start at 3 p.m. at the Bike Stop Cafe (701 South Riverside Drive, St. Charles; 636-724-9900), ride through the trails and riverfront, and end up on St. Charles’ Main Street, which will be decked out in lights, singing carolers and actors.

Shroom City

Take a break from the holidays and fi re o o o ro a fferen kind of tasty treat during Learn How to Cultivate Mushrooms at Home. Hosted by and held at V.L.’s Urban Farm (3232 Ivanhoe Avenue), the event will instruct students on how to grow mushrooms at home using common waste products, such as wheat straw. The farm’s Chief Mycologist Mike Crabtree will teach this low-tech and sustainable course that can be easily scaled. Participants can expect to get their hands dirty, get all their random mushroom questions an-

swered and receive a mystery gift. The event runs from 4 to 6 p.m., and tickets are $65.

SUNDAY 12/18

Get Your Goth On

Ever wish a garage sale spoke more to the dark depths of your black soul? No sorting through piles of a grandma’s old Tupperware, stained blankets or bins of unwanted children’s toys. Here’s a more curated garage sale experience for you. This weekend, check out the Goth Garage Sale Holiday Bazaar at the Crack Fox (1114 Olive Street, 314-828-5064). From 8 p.m. to midnight on Saturday, December 18, and noon to 8 p.m. on Sunday, December 18, the downtown bar will host a slew of artists and makers selling items ranging from costumes and leather to lingerie and vintage clothing. Saturday is 21 and older and will feature music by Sound Soiree. Youngins can join the party on Sunday and enjoy the musical stylings of DJ Sainte.

MONDAY 12/19

In-Store Showstopper

Are you a fan of baking contests on e an n a o e to see your fellow St. Louisans put their sugar skills to the test? Well, this is your chance. The Charm Me

The winning gingerbread will be delicious, no doubt, but it won’t be your grandmother’s gingerbread house. According to the store rules, entries can be structures of any kind, as tall as their creators dare, though the base needs to fi on a n ne n ne nc oar . The entry fee is $10, and the winner goes home with a cool hundred bucks. So swing by and see if you see which bakes are worthy of Paul Hollywood and which are o a er fire a a Nailed It.

The gingerbread bakes go on display Monday, December 19, and in-store judging runs until Friday, December 23.

Plant Forward

Holiday eats can be kind of relentless for just about anyone. Yes, the parade of cookies, eggnog and spiral-cut hams is fun, but if you don’t consume animal products it’s an extra-challenging food situation to navigate. Well, this season vegans and other plant eaters can rejoice, because Project Animal Freedom has brought back its Vegmas celebration for the fourth time. The plant-based Christmas dinner will feature everything from vegan ham to cookies from a host of local caterers including Bombay Food Junkies, Terror Tacos, Royally Baked, CC’s Vegan Spot and more. The dinner will be held from 6 to 9 p.m. at the Polish Heritage Center (1413 North 20th Street). Tickets are $30.

WEEK OF DECEMBER 15-21

TUESDAY 12/20

The Sea of SwirlyTwirly Gum Drops

It’s impossible not to be charmed by the story of Buddy the Elf, a human who grew up in the North Pole never understanding why he was so much taller and slower than all the other elves. Once e fin o e a o e e off o e or o fin his birth father (who is, gasp, on the naughty list). Once there, he meets his brother, makes Christmas decorations like a team of rofe ona e en anner fin out about deceptive marketing, discovers love and also saves Christmas. Skip the Will Ferrell movie this season and head to the Fabulous Fox (527 North Grand Boulevard, fabulousfox.com) for Elf the Musical. The show has a short run through Saturday, December 24. Showtimes vary, and tickets run $29 to $99.

WEDNESDAY 12/21

For the Rest of Us

Show off your high strength-toweight ratio by participating in a Festivus Fun Run! In what is truly a Festivus miracle, everyone’s favorite winter holiday will be celebrated two days early this year thanks to the good people at RunWell (142 North Main Street, Edwardsville, Illinois; 618-6599903), who are inviting the public to don their holiday pajamas or favorite ugly sweaters and take to the streets of Edwardsville. Bring your Festivus Pole and prepare to air those grievances as you hoof it through town for a Feats of Strength celebration you won’t soon forget. The festivities kick off at 6:30 p.m. and run through 8:30 p.m., whereupon participants will be served hot cocoa and, presumably, wrestle one another until someone gets pinned. Participation is free, with details at wheredoyourunwell.com. n

Have an event you’d like considered for our calendar? Email calendar@riverfronttimes.com.

Sweet Candy Store (4915 Macklind Avenue, 314-448-8207) is hosting its annual Gingerbread Contest

Get your baking game on at the annual Gingerbread Contest. | VIA JEFF / FLICKR Bajirao Mastani poster. | COURTESY PHOTO

Spice of Life

Arzola’s Fajitas + Margaritas dishes up an exceptional Tex-Mex experience

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

Arzola’s Fajitas + Margaritas 2730 McNair Avenue, 314-226-9672. Mon. 4-9 p.m.; Thurs. 4-9 p.m.; Fri. 4-10 p.m.; Sat. 11 a.m.-10 p.m.; Sun. 11 a.m.-9 p.m. (Closed Tuesdays and Wednesdays.)

The steak fajitas at Arzola’s are less a dish and more of a religious experience — a notion that strikes you the moment you are presented with this meat miracle, that is then underscored when chef Tanya Key explains how she achieves such complete and utter perfection. The secret, she says, begins with e c a a ea a a e perfect balance of robust, beefy a or an enero fa con en . Her cooking technique, however, is what pushes the dish over the edge. Key marinates the meat for 72 hours, then cooks the thin slices of steak over heated lava rocks; the fat ends up melting into the meat, then drizzling down on the rocks so that it bastes the meat from the bottom while adding a o a or. e re of er process is a stunning masterpiece — both charred and juicy, thin but not overcooked — that looks not like strips of meat but gilded petals that have gently fallen onto the a e fro a ea o er.

It should come as no surprise that Arzola’s has perfected the fajita form. Though the restaurant has only been open since May of this year, it traces its roots back some 40 years to Austin, Texas, where patriarch Eddie Arzola got his start grilling meat on a pushcart in the city’s bustling entertainment district. The experience made Arzola realize just how much he loved the food business, so when he moved to St. Louis in 1986 to be near his wife’s family, it was natural he’d gravitate toward the restaurant industry. In 1989, he opened Chuy’s Arzola in Dog-

town, which became one of the area’s most beloved Tex-Mex restaurants for nearly two decades.

Arzola closed Chuy’s in 2008, and though he thought he was done with the restaurant business, he found himself pulled back on a co e of occa on fir o e

his son, Coby, at the restaurant Agave and next at a brief revival of Chuy’s in Midtown. After that latter endeavor, Arzola was sure he’d served his last guests, but he was again convinced to return last year when Coby and his husband, Derek Fatheree, took over

the former Ernesto’s Wine Bar in Benton Park. The pair, who live in the neighborhood, believed that the area needed a solid Mexican restaurant, so they enlisted Arzola to help them create a place that would combine Chuy’s legendary food with Agave’s elevated approach and excellent drinks.

The three partners, together with chef Key, have succeeded tremendously in carrying out their vision. They are packed into such a tiny space — Arzola’s consists of a 950-square-foot dining room and bar, plus a back patio — that you wonder how they are able to contain so much warm hospitality and culinary perfection between its four walls. The place can get packed; tables are close, and there is likely to be a line out the front door of folks angling for valuable dining-room real estate. However, the moment Arzola greets you with his earnest, welcoming demeanor, you are instantly put at ease.

Arzola likes to say he is in the people business and that he just a en o er e e fine foo . While there is no question the ser-

Arzola’s Fajitas + Margaritas o ers a menu of shareables, signature fajitas, quesadillas, burritos and more. | MABEL SUEN

Chef Tanya Key and “Chief Fajitas Executive” Eddie Arzola are behind Arzola's. | MABEL SUEN

ARZOLA’S

vice at this outstanding restaurant is top-notch, I would keep coming back for more even if my server threw the fajitas in my lap and told me to go to hell. But it’s not only the beef version that dazzles; the Mojo shrimp version is positively outstanding, consisting of massive, a e coo e e fi a have been marinated in earthy adobo and roasted garlic. Snappy, tender and shockingly fresh, the shrimp make you wonder if you are not sitting at a seafood shack on the Sea of Cortez rather than in a south St. Louis storefront.

Quesadillas, too, set the standard of the form. The Luna — fi e ea o c an c ar kissed you wonder if you’ve ever had properly grilled bird before in your life — is a stunning example of what a chicken quesadilla can be. The meat is smashed between two seasoned tortillas with seasoned black beans, molten cheese and pico de gallo; it’s a simple list of ingredients, but each is prepared with the utmost care. A veggie version, the Tapatia, is equally stunning. Here, the tortillas are stuffed with roasted sweet o a oe ca o er r e sprouts and molten cheese, which make for a deeply satisfying vegetarian dish.

r o a rr o enefi fro this uncompromising approach. The San Miguel pairs massive hunks of the restaurant’s excellent grilled chicken with spicy escabeche, achiote-seasoned rice, gooey cheese, smashed black beans and red-chili sauce. However, Key doesn’t stop there; the burrito is pressed on a griddle, giving the ea one o r or a a on erf cr a e re a ro-

vides a pleasant contrast between the exterior and gooey interior. A steak version, the Arroyo, uses the same complementary ingredients but pairs them with the restaurant’s mind-blowing fajita meat.

While you’d be forgiven for jumping straight into Arzola’s outstanding main courses, the restaurant offers several appetizers that are no less wonderful. Classic queso, which the menu notes calls the “sauce of life,” is a luxuriously c ee concoc on ec e spicy pico de gallo that makes your mouth tingle. The guacamole offers a refreshing counter to the heat; the avocado mash, interspersed with garlic, poblano, onion, jalapeño and a generous dose of lime juice,

o e ff n e re.

The tostadas are revelatory. Here, crunchy corn tostadas are slathered with guacamole, then topped with diced shrimp and grilled pineapple pico de gallo and tossed in a mouthwatering, slightly sweet red-chili sauce. It’s a bright, fruity and spicy mélange a e fire or on e aate. The frijoles locos, on the other hand, is a warm, savory dish of rich comfort. For this warm, loaded bean dip, Key takes bacon and chorizo-infused beans, smothers them in velvety queso, crema, pico de gallo and cilantro. The result is a dish that is part chili, part bean dip and one of the most deeply satisfying things you will

eat all year.

Washing this down with one of Arzola’s margaritas, made with freshly squeezed juice, of course, you can’t help but marvel at how truly exceptional a Tex-Mex spot can be when placed in the hands of passionate people who are masters of their craft. Those fajitas alone will make you rethink all others that came before them — though when you’re eating something this a n ficen o on e ning much of anything except how lucky you are to be alive. n

Arzola’s Fajitas + Margaritas

Frijoles locos..........................................$9.95

Luna quesadilla

Shrimp tostaditas are layered with housemade guacamole and mojo shrimp with red chile velvet sauce and grilled pineapple pico. | MABEL SUEN

e margaritas menu features classic creations and frozen options. | MABEL SUEN

Papa Chuy’s jalapeño hush puppies are made of house-pickled jalapeños stu ed with red-rice pilaf, mexi-cheese and seasoned beef. | MABEL SUEN

A Taste of Italy

Vicini Pastaria will o er pasta, prepared foods and lunch on the weekends

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

For a year and a half, chef Dawn Wilson has been serving her handmade pasta and assorted home goods from her Lafayette Square storefront, Vicini Pastaria (1916 Park Avenue, 314-827-6150), eagerly awaiting the day she could realize her full vision for the space. Now, that e a fina co e c n ceebrated its grand opening on November 26, offering fresh pasta, Italian-inspired prepared foods and a weekend lunch counter that promises a soulful taste of the old country.

Though Wilson has owned the n a o e c n nce January of 2020, the restaurant’s roots actually stretch back 16 years to a leap of faith and a dramatic career change. Back then, Wilson, who has degrees in biology and molecular genetics, was working as a research scientist in a lab in Chicago, but she could not shake the feeling that she was meant to take a different path. She began exploring her longtime passion for food through part-time cooking jobs around the Windy City and eventually realized that she a fin n ore f fi en fro those gigs than her science career. Ready to make a change, she left her research job and founded a private chef company that led to a partnership with Whole Foods’ cooking school.

It became apparent to Wilson that the part of cooking she loved the most was making fresh pasta, and she threw herself into perfec n er fir on er o n and eventually at a slow-food restaurant in Tuscany where she learned from masters of the craft. Her experiences in Italy were formative and made her realize that, one day, she’d like to open a busi-

SHORT ORDERS

ness that captured what it is like to eat and drink in the small vil-

lage where she worked.

“I just loved that feeling in Italy where they slow down and enjoy their food, and meals are this hours-long experience where people are just relaxing and getting together with family and friends,” Wilson says. “I wanted to recreate that relaxed, rustic, family-run spot. That’s what gave me the ime o ar c n an e o have this brick-and-mortar that was the kind of casual neighborhood spot people would hang out. It just took me a while to get there.” on fo n e c n a ar a in 2016 as a handmade pasta company while she searched for a brick-and-mortar. Having no luck fin n a orefron ncago, she decided to move back to her hometown, St. Louis, the next year and spent 2017 through 2019 traveling back and forth between the two cities for her private chef business. By January of 2020, she was fully committed to the St. Louis market and had found a building in Lafayette Square that ticked off every box she had in n for c n . e an a o get the place open by May of 2020. It was clear the pandemic would

Fresh pastas, like housemade ravioli with pine nuts, are Vicini’s specialty. | SARAH LOVETT

Vicini Pastaria brings fresh pasta, prepared foods and a weekend lunch counter. | SARAH LOVETT

Phew

Under new ownership, Kohn’s cements its legacy

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

Like anyone who regularly patronized the iconic Kohn’s Kosher Meat & Deli Restaurant (10405 Old Olive Street Road, Creve Coeur; 314-569-0727), AJ Moll had known for years that the Kohn family was looking to sell. Though their desire was never officially made public, Lenny Kohn and his sister, Rosemary Cooper, let it be known throughout St. Louis’ Jewish community that they were looking for change, a desire that became even more explicit when they put the business up for sale this past March.

Now, Moll is a minority partner in a three-way partnership that will ensure Kohn’s continues serving guests well into the future. Though he admits he never thought he’d be the person to help shepherd the beloved brand into the future, the veteran chef can’t think of anyone better positioned to do so.

“I spent 15 years in retail grocery, starting as a bagger at Schnucks and working my way up to their deli department and being part of their store opening team,” Moll says. “It gave me a baseline in the business, so I can’t think of anyone else in St. Louis that has a better base of knowledge to do this.”

A longtime culinarian who spent the last 10 years as chef at Saul Mirowitz Community School, Moll got his start in the business via combat training in the U.S. Army. Though he had originally signed up to be a combat engineer, Moll says he was terrible at it and graduated at the bottom of his class. He recognized it wasn’t his calling, so he kept volunteering for cooking duty; eventually, his superiors recognized he had a knack for the field and sent him to culinary school.

After leaving active duty, Moll returned to Schnucks (he got his start with the grocery chain while in high school) and worked his way up to a corporate trainer position before leaving the company to work as a corporate chef for Mastercard. From there, he landed at Mirowitz, where he worked for roughly a decade until the Kohn’s opportunity came his way.

“A couple of local businessmen came to me in April,” Moll says. “They are both Jewish and did not want to see an institution go away, so they said we should do this. They both have really strong business backgrounds, so this is going to work out for the best.”

According to Moll, he had been tossing around the idea of buying Kohn’s on his

own prior to his partners’ offer, but it was not a financially viable decision for him and his family. Once the two silent partners came on the scene, he was able to get involved without assuming all of the risk on his own. He believes it’s a win-win for him, for the partners and, most importantly, for Kohn’s longtime customers who were terrified at the thought of losing the last remaining kosher restaurant in St. Louis.

“Everyone was nervous that it was going to close,” Moll says. “I am a humble person, so I don’t necessarily believe this, but someone even told me I’m their savior. I’m a humble person, so I don’t know about that.”

Moll, who will serve as the general manager and face of the operation, has big plans in store for Kohn’s, though he emphasizes they will take time. He says that for the first six months he does not anticipate making any changes, at least none that his customers will see. He points to a lot of deferred maintenance — a $10,000 water heater, for instance — that needs to be addressed before he can make more visible changes. However, eventually he and his partners plan to reinvest the profits from the shop and restaurant back into the business in the form of renovations and expanded hours.

“Back when this opened, it was a

1960s business model where Mom stayed home and could shop during weekday hours,” Moll says. “Now, we’re all two-income households, so we want to expand our hours so that we are open when people need to shop.”

Moll also hopes to begin opening the restaurant for dinnertime hours, pointing to a dearth of kosher eateries open in the evenings. However, he emphasizes that these things will take time — which is OK as he and his partners are in this for the long haul.

“It’s great; it’s exciting; it’s a little nerve-racking. Basically it’s a roller coaster of emotions,” Moll says. n

Cry the Blues

Burger 809 will close on December 23

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

Fans of Burger 809 (1821 Cherokee Street, 314-899-5959), the delightful slider-focused restaurant owned by Tasha Smith, only have a week and some change to get their fix. The restaurant located inside Bluewood Brewing will close on Friday, December 23.

Smith shared the news in early December on Burger 809’s Facebook page, detailing the restaurant’s rise from a tiny storefront on the west side of the Cherokee Street business district into a wildly successful food counter inside the Benton Park brewery.

“Burger 809 grew from the concrete, just a dollar and a dream,” Smith wrote. “I’m just a foodie, community health worker, a woman who happened to create a brand that connected people and created some edible magic.”

Smith originally opened Burger 809 a few years ago as a catering and delivery operation that she ran while working full time as a health counselor for people living with HIV/AIDS. In 2019, she launched the brand as a brick-and-mortar eatery out of a micro-sized storefront on Cherokee Street — and realized almost immediately that the space was too small to handle demand for her sliders.

In search of a larger location, she found a welcoming situation in Bluewood Brewing, which was looking for a new food partner for its brewery follow-

ing Mac’s Local Eats’ departure for the Hampton Inn near I-64 in the Cheltenham neighborhood. Bluewood saw Burger 809’s offerings as complementary and cemented a partnership that began when Smith moved into the brewery in January 2022.

In her post, Smith expressed her gratitude to Bluewood for helping her brand expand. She noted that Burger 809 remains financially well positioned and continues to do a strong business. She did not give a specific reason for her decision to not renew her lease for 2023, simply noting that she “craves a paradise that supports & nourishes every aspect of my being.”

Though Burger 809 will no longer exist in its current form after December 23, Smith did not explicitly say that this is the end of the brand, teasing that this might not be the last we hear of her and her delicious sandwiches.

“People often ask, ‘What’s new? What’s next?’” Smith wrote. “Truth is … I don’t know. I never really did. I didn’t have this intricate plan, only determination and passion.”

Smith continued:

“I have a vision inside me that I know god planted. Burger 809 isn’t just a burger restaurant. Thank you to each and everyone one of y’all for making me realize that. So, until we meet again, I love y’all.” n

Kohn’s will live on thanks to its three new owners. | COURTESY AJ MOLL

Burger 809, known for its sliders, will close Bluewood Brewing location. | MABEL SUEN

Haute Dog

is $1,000 hot dog is gunning for the Guinness World Record

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

Giovanni Bacilieri rememer e fir o o a o oo e . a fro a casual restaurant in his o e o n of arran a o o a a ace no n a c for na e a er a ra a for ro o o c re. re a ran a a ca of o er a a e cen r c ea er e n arran a e en a fi e a ee n en e n er of c o ce fi e ear o acer e e on one co ere n a ee an c nea e concoc on. c an e fe. a ca e a a a an o an fe n o e ” ac er a . er nce en e ane o a e a o o re a ran an e o r n o a o re e e n e an n an one a e er een efore.”

ac er e on a o a n a a en a ree on o re a ran Lucciano’s

VICINI

e a a a a er ona ra e a co e e e e cr .

a n a car acc en o a af er e o ene e o an a a ea n r c o e n a een e a e ” on e a n . o o e ac n a fe a or a ee a co e e o of co on for fi e on . en ree ear a er no f reco ere . a e c o an eca e o on no o o are o n o fee fro one a o e ne o a e o a e an n ne o e co er con enc . o n e e can.”

o ro ree an a a f ear af er er n r on a er oo a an a a e fee rea o a e onc n f force. ean a n a on o offer n e an a e a a an o e oo e een er n fro e o for e a

o on a e fina rea e rea of r n n a en o o e er ence o e or ro . e er ea er e o n o ce en e ac a e or o r e or of ar a e ea r era a an cc ano o a o o a f e a a o e nne or ecor for e or o e en e

o o . ac er e cr e e cc ano o a e a e a e o ee r ce a e ac a e or of nre en nc n a o e a e or an eef o o nf e e e o eaf an ar na e n e a a co er o e a n a e e a e o eaf a er of a ane e aace o er e o an e a oo fin n a a co

er ra . e no e a e a a rea e aca on o nne or ecor an confi en e ec re e a ar once oe ro e re e roce o e n a a een a on e rea of . er nce a e rea e nne or ecor oo an on er a co o o e n ere ” ac er a . ne o a e o e for o e n rea o e . en oo e aro n an a o er e en e o o no ce a e n a o of o e an effor n o . e o o e ca ar an on o of a o o . ere e are n o e n o o n e an o .”

ac er no e cc ano o c re re o r aance no ce o or er a ec ac e e o ef a e a enon e eo e n o r one of ore rea ona r ce o . en o e en n reen e e e e n ro c c a e fro cra c n fre a n re en o n o e e c . o e or recor ea e oa a e rea o a e e . o area a or c a o o c a r a c a a e o er o e a e or an ca o. a a e or orca o ” ac er a . o e a e ne. c e r n o econ .” n

ear on no a a ro a n e ec on of re are foo rea for fo o ra an o. o

er e ec on c an e re ar e nc e a ar e of a a ra e ea can ea a

aranc n an orc e a rea o ea an er e for a e c o o e coo e ea o e or . e e an e o era on a o nc e a ar er e ec on of fre a a er e o of e e ca e e reco en er ec a e c c a on an ro e noo e ar o a fa a e . n a on o er fre a a an re are foo on ec e a o r nn n c n eeen nc co n er. or no e offer a a ro a n e ec on of a a an e on a r a an n a fro a. . n . . o e an on ee n o n o an a e an er o r a e o . n e ean e e a a e can fina r n e ec n e a a rea e of an r e o e a ar of c a c o e n co n . e ne or oo a een ncre or e an o a a c o e area o e n an a ne ” on a . a n o e afa e e are.” n

Gourmet Dogs (318 Mid Rivers Mall Drive, Suite E; 636-387-1090)

Lucciano Bacci and his two-foot long Nightmare Dog. | COURTESY LUCCIANO’S GOURMET DOGS

Dawn Wilson is excited to share her passion for Italian cuisine with St. Louis. | SARAH LOVETT

On the Move

Clara B’s Kitchen Table is moving to a larger space

Written by CHERYL BAEHR

First, the Clara B’s food truck grew out of the commissary space, prompting owner Jodie Ferguson to open a brick-andmortar in downtown Belleville, Illinois. Now, the beloved daytime spot is yet again moving on to larger pastures, this time in partnership with a beloved local coffee brand.

In a December 5 Facebook post, Ferguson announced she has secured a new restaurant space for Clara B’s Kitchen Table less than a mile down the road from the current Belleville storefront. The new digs will not only represent a larger real estate footprint for the restaurant; it is also the beginning of a new partnership between Clara B’s and LongStory Coffee, a Belleville small batch, artisanal coffee roaster founded by former c a re er r c .

r a ca e e ac n the day and said that he really wanted a restaurant like Clara B’s n ere en e fir ec e e was going to open his cafe,” Fer-

guson tells the RFT. “He thought there was no way, but now we are going to be set up where we provide the food and he provides the coffee.”

Ferguson knew that Clara B’s would have to expand almost the moment she welcomed in her fir e . e e a n e originally signed the lease on the downtown Belleville space thinking she would do mostly carry-out business. However, it quickly became apparent that her customers wanted a dine-in experience, forcing her to dedicate more of her precious real estate to a dining room. That, coupled with increased demand for catering and special orders, made space a tight constraint.

Slices of Heaven

e Pizza Passport is the gi that every St. Louisan wants under the tree

Written by JAIME LEES

Sure, socks are nice, but pizza is the best gift of them all. And in this case, it’s the gift that keeps on giving.

If you have a pizza lover in your life, the greatest gift you could give them for the holidays is a Pizza Passport. What is it? It’s a cute little postcard that arrives in the mail before Christmas that gets them 50 percent off at dozens of local pizza places.

Brought to you by the Pizza Connoisseurs of St. Louis Facebook group and

the STL Square Off Pizza Festival on the Hill, the Pizza Passport was invented way back in 2020 as a way to show support for local restaurants that were struggling during that terrible year.

But the Pizza Passport has now morphed into just another way to celebrate St. Louis’ delicious and diverse pizza scene. For just $30, one passport gets you 50 percent off of pizza at many of your favorite spots. The passport basically pays for itself after using it twice, and it’s valid from June 15 to October 15, 2023.

Because Pizza Passport season doesn’t kick off until the summer, the restaurants involved next year haven’t been announced yet. But it’s safe to say that you’ll find tons of local places to try. Last year the pass gave pizza fans half off at 30 different area restaurants including classics like Frank & Helen’s Pizzeria, Monte Bello Pizzeria, Nick & Elena’s Pizzeria, Guido’s Pizzeria and Tapas and Pizzeoli.

You could wait a few months and buy your pass closer to Pizza Passport season, but why wait? Passports are limited,

er n ar e o n up, and we didn’t have the space for our stuff, let alone the food truck and anything else that came along,” Ferguson says. “We recognized right away that we needed something bigger and thought about building out this space, but it was too expensive for a building I do not own.”

e a enefic a arrangement with LongStory solves those problems for Ferguson. For starters, the kitchen will be roughly double the size of her original oca on an e o fi e with additional equipment that will allow her to increase capacity. She is looking into buying a walk-in cooler — something that’s been a dream of hers since she

started the food truck in 2020 — and she will have a full hood system, steam tables and heating implements that will transition her setup from something that feels like a catering operation into a ona fi e re a ran .

The increased capacity means that Ferguson can expand the Clara B’s menu. She notes that guests can expect the same favorites that they have come to know and love, but she will be adding some country-style dishes that have been on her mind for quite a while. Plus, those in the know can cheer the addition of one dish, in particular, that is sure to become her signature offering.

“Pancakes,” Ferguson says with a laugh. “People have been on me to put these pancakes on the menu, and now that we have a griddle, I can do that.”

Though she emphasizes she and Busch are at the mercy of inspections and suppliers, Ferguson hopes to open the new Clara B’s sometime the week of January 23, 2023.

The original location closed down when Ferguson’s lease ended last month, so she is taking the not-so-downtime to put her full attention toward setting up the new place and putting together holiday orders — and reveling in what a phenomenon she has created.

“It just took off,” Ferguson says. “On the one hand, I am so happy, on e o er efin e aen on a life of its own. I just roll with it.” n

and they’re expected to sell out, so you might as well buy one or gift one now. And if you order yours by Monday, December 19, it’s guaranteed to show up in time to stuff stockings.

Visit Eventbrite for more information, to secure a Pizza Passport as a gift or to grab one just for yourself. After all, you are a gift to the world, and you deserve pizza, too.

Fans will soon have a larger space in which to enjoy Clara B’s eats. | MABEL SUEN

e pass gives fans half o local restaurants such as Frank & Helen’s. | ANDY PAULISSEN

Burning Questions

All of your Missouri recreational weed queries, answered

Written by RIVERFRONT TIMES STAFF

Te e fina on . a r a e e a ee a en en o r an a e a on o c a oo effec an oner acro e a e e r fir e a n . en en e a e recrea ona ar ana n o ca e an a o a ro e e ca en ar e o e ar ana o non e ca con er o en ar e no e e n recrea ona ar ana e e .

o for o e an o er ar ac n o r o an n o r one er . o can no o c a o e con e n a e an ran or o ree o nce of r e n roce e ar ana a a e. ee n n eca e recrea ona ar ana e a ” n o r oe n ean o can a e ere er o o. en en on a o rec rea ona er o o e c n area cen e for c ac e . a ca ee e ar o o r o e for no . n f o an o ro ar ana a o e o a e o ee a n e oo an a for a er ona c a on car . e car o can ro o er n an non o er n an o er nc e an c one an an n er nc e .

o a of r a e o r e ar en of ea an en or er ce a ar e acce n a ca on fro ne e ee n cen e o e recrea ona ee . or o e e car ean o r o o o r en ar e ran on o e n o recrea ona an e ca on ee o e e e een no an on a e r ar e a a

e a e a o ac on en ar e a ca on o ran on. a e an ore rn n e on n an er e o .

Do I need a Missouri ID to buy recreational marijuana?

o. en en ar e a e fro re r n con er o ro e en fica on o en ar e o ro e an n o er an e r a e. Will marijuana be cheaper with a medical card?

a e. en ar e no a e o fferen a e e een non e ca an e ca ar ana o ere no e n e er ar ana rc a e for e ca rea on co ore or e an recrea ona ar ana. o e er e ca ar ana e a e e an recrea ona ar ana. e ca ar ana ee c rren ercen a e recrea ona ar ana a e a a of a ea ercen . Are the taxes on recreational weed going to be as high as Illinois?

o. a e on ar ana ro c n no are a e on e r o enc an can ran e fro ercen o ercen of rc a e r ce . n o r recrea ona ar ana a e e ercen of a ro c re a r ce. o

REEFERFRONT TIMES

ca e a e e o on o e an a ona oca a e a of ercen .

Can I bring recreational marijuana bought in Missouri over state lines if it was bought legally?

o. ra e n acro a e ne ar ana e en o a e ere ar ana e a o a e fe era a .

Will medical users be able to buy more marijuana than recreational users?

e . e ca er can o o nce of r e n roce e ar ana or e a en n a a er o . o e a ean e ca er can rc a e o e ore an recrea ona er . re o o r a a o e e ca er o o e fo r o nce of ar ana n a a er o .

Does recreational marijuana being legal mean that I can buy it from everybody now?

o. ar ana rc a e o e of a re a e an cen e e are e a .

What changes will there be for medical users now that recreational marijuana is legal? e. en en a e e ca ar ana car oo for ree ear n ea of one ear.

How do I get my nonviolent marijuana-related offense expunged?

e en on e e er of o r offen e an e er o re n er e er on of e e ar en of orrec on . n o ca e o on a e o o an n . f o ere fo n of a e eanor n on of e a en en ef fec e a e ece er c rc co r or er e e n e en of o r cr na or re cor a on a o re no ncar cera e or n er e er on of e e ar en of orrec on . e a e a en n on for o e fe on ar ana offen e a aren a cr e n er en en .

o e o are c rren ncar cera e o o a e een of a e er offen e or no a a a en en een n effec a e o e on a en enc n co r o aca e e r en ence. e e n e en o e ran e a en oo ca e for en a .”

n one c rren on ro a on or aro e o o a e een of a e er offen e or no a a n er en en a a e e r en ence a o a ca aca e e en enc n co r . n

Just because weed is legal doesn’t mean you can do whatever you want, wherever you want. | VIA MATTYSFLICKS / FLICKR

CULTURE

Motherhood’s Shocks

Photographer Angela Sha er explores the tension and tenderness of motherhood in an exhibit at

the Sheldon

Written by JESSICA ROGEN

When it came to motherhood, Angela Shaffer had clear family examples. Almost every woman — on both her mother’s and father’s sides — were stay-at-home moms.

“I had this generational, passeddown idea of what it meant to be a mother, what it looks like,” she says.

But then Shaffer got pregnant — and it was not smooth. For the fir or o ee e a ntensely nauseated. Then, as that cleared, she became ravenously hungry, feeling like she couldn’t get enough. Finally, at the end of the pregnancy, she was almost diagnosed with gestational diabetes.

The experience shook her.

“I felt very isolated,” she says, no n a e en fro fining validation through a career as an art teacher to being a stayat-home mom. “Experiencing this shift and how I was perceived within society was a really eyeopening experience for me.”

Shaffer, 39, began exploring this tension through art, producing a series of photography projects investigating different aspects of motherhood. A selection from one, Good Mother, is showing at the Sheldon through Saturday, an ar .

For Shaffer, so much of her inspiration at the moment comes from her experiences with motherhood — even the fact that she’s making photographs at all.

Growing up in a small rural town in Somerset County, Pennsylvania, with parents who owned a consignment art gallery, Shaffer

always had art around her. Her father was also her elementary school teacher. So it was no surprise when she followed them into e fie n a n n an drawing and then becoming a high c oo ar eac er for fi e ear .

In 2006, she married a high school classmate who also taught art, following him to Kentucky an en o o r n where he got a job teaching photography at the University of Missouri–Columbia. She had their fir c a er a o a on after they arrived.

“So it was two years [later] — I think my son was two years old — I was losing my mind as a stayat-home mom,” Shaffer recalls. She’d always wanted to learn

fi o o ra o e a e an undergraduate photography course at Mizzou.

Stepping into the darkroom, Shaffer felt something click. In the past, she’d felt some frustration at not being able to get her artwork to capture her ideas. But things just worked with photography. or er fina ro ec e e an a series about stay-at-home moms, Staying Home, and used that work to apply to Mizzou’s master of fine ar n o o ra ro ra which she is poised to graduate from. In school, she worked on Shadow Moms, a series on how society undervalues maternal care. In it, she photographed and often staged mothers in their own homes. Probably Shaffer would have

continued down that path — exce for .

“My work shifted because I couldn’t go into these spaces anymore,” she says. “I started to turn the camera on my son a lot more, so then I started to turn it on myself, and I realized that I was connecting to the work so much differently.”

Shaffer realized she’d been struggling to make the work that she really wanted to be making, recognizing that there was still an aspect of performance when she worked with other people. But at home with Casper, that got stripped away.

“It started to evolve into this idea of allowing that truth and that ugliness and that reality of motherhood to come through in the work more,” Shaffer says. “I think it opened up the space for me to be more authentic and to speak to all of this psychological baggage.”

Those photographs became Good Mother. The series investigates the ever-changing relationship between Shaffer and her son. In her artist statement, she writes about her anxiety for the future and about her desire to shape him into “the man I think he should become” as he makes his own way in the world.

The work included in Good Mother captures the tension Shaffer speaks of. In one image — one she calls the “pinnacle” of the work — a pin pierces the skin of o of er fin er .

“That one is a very visceral, symbolic idea of our connection,” she says, “and then have this kind of pain … it’s one of the ones that I think people cringe more at.”

Others depict Casper biting her

Good Mother comes from Angela Sha er’s experiences with motherhood. | ANGELA SHAFFER

“ It started to evolve into this idea of allowing that truth and that ugliness and that reality of motherhood to come through in the work.”

shoulder or teeth marks or the two clutching each other’s wrists. One shows a letter from Casper where he apologizes for saying that he wanted to kill himself and promises not to do so again.

a a a rea cage for me to allow to be in the series,” Shaffer says. “I was worried about how he would be perceived, and how I would be perceived probably the most on that one.”

But it’s not all seriousness. There’s plenty of humor throughout — and even more tenderness.

In one image, Casper sits on Shaffer’s lap, and they clutch each other tightly. She rubs lotion on his back. Their faces press into the same pillow. He wears a crown that reads king as he gazes at the viewer. In yet another, they both lie on a bed, and her hair spills over his face.

Shaffer posed most of the photos, but others were more spur of the moment. In one, Casper sprawls on a couch, and Shaffer clutches his head, looking like she’s examining him, which began with a real moment.

“I literally walked into the room, and he was watching TV, and I asked him to do something, and he just didn’t hear me,” she says. “I was like, ‘OK, I’m gonna use this.’”

Though that image came without much fuss, that didn’t hold true for the whole series. There were moments of struggle, when he cried and said he didn’t want to do it anymore, when Shaffer thought she should abandon it. But then the two came up with the contract, which viewers can check out in the series.

In it, Shaffer agreed to respect his boundaries and pay him an

agreed-upon amount. In return, he would give her some of his time without fuss. She says he treats it a bit like a job now.

She’s happy with that but hopes that later in life he’ll look back at the time and the things produced together. “[I hope he will] see what we made together and see o o erf an n fican was for me to do that with him,” she says.

Shaffer hopes those visiting her show take away something similar: the authentic portrayal of mother and child, the playfulness — and that they think a little bit differently. n

Catch Good Mother at the Sheldon (3648 Washington Boulevard, through Saturday, January 21. It is free to attend during open hours, which run Tuesday through Friday from noon to 5 p.m. and Saturday from 10 a.m. to 2 p.m.

Angela Sha er came upon Casper sitting akimbo and decided to make an image. | ANGELA SHAFFER

For Angela Sha er, this image represents the apex of the series. | ANGELA SHAFFER

MUSIC

Home for the Holidaze

Written by BENJAMIN SIMON

Before Smino got a tooth pulled last week, his mom called him.

“Who’s going to pick you up from the dentist?” she asked.

Smino doesn’t even live in his hometown of St. Louis anymore. He lives in Los Angeles, far from his family. He’s a world-renowned rapper with half a billion streams, a record deal with Motown and three studio albums.

“Nobody’s picking me up,” he told his mom.

But her words got him thinking. “I just thought about it like that — like, damn,” he says. “It be moments like that, that make you think like, ‘Damn, if I was at home, my mama would be picking me up.’”

Smino, 31, isn’t going to lie: He misses St. Louis. That’s why he will return home on Sunday, Dece er for fif ann a holiday concert, Kribmas, at Stifel Theatre. He will spend a few days in the city before beginning rehearsals for his upcoming worldwide tour, Luv Is 4Ever, with Atlanta rapper JID, which will start in January.

St. Louis, he says, is still “very prominent in me.” It’s where Smino learned how to play music in church, where he was voted “best rapper” at Hazelwood Central High School. It’s where his family still lives — his mom, his nephews, his best friends. Over the years, he has moved away, living in Chicago and Los Angeles, pursuing a career in music.

His 2017 album blkswn was lauded as one of the “40 Best Rap Albums of the Year” by Rolling Stone. He recently released the single “90 Proof” with J Cole,

which has received over 1 million views on YouTube. The other day, he was recognized by a fan in a hotel, as Smino merely waited for food. “Literally, seeing you today made the whole shit better,” the person said.

It’s safe to say that Smino has become one of St. Louis’ most famous musicians. And even as he does blow up, he continues to represent his hometown, insisting people call him a St. Louis artist — even when he lived elsewhere.

“Everywhere else got someone,” he says. “I mean I’m from St. Louis, shit. I feel like when I say I am from St. Louis, the way that I handle my shit and the way that I am, is self-explanatory. I don’t got to say no more. It’s like — I’m from the Lou. You know how we move. You know how the attitude is. You know how the energy is.”

His most recent album, October’s Luv 4 Rent, has St. Louis written all over it. He even named songs after his grandparents. He says the album was conceived from being away, thinking about his home.

“I miss my family,” he says. “It

had a lot to do with just missing everybody, missing St. Louis and missing my family.”

Smino can talk all he wants about his love for St. Louis, but he knows that it’s different to be there on stage, performing in front of his mom, his family and thousands of other people from his hometown. He “slips in and out” of St. Louis, he says, spending time with his loved ones. But he makes his public return for r a an ore ec fically, Kribmas.

“I want to inspire them motherfuckers in person,” he says. no fir ce e ra e rmas in 2016 when he was still an up-and-coming rapper out of St. Louis. He hadn’t even released his fir o a e . n r a fir ear e re e er e o between 350 and 400 tickets.

Now the show is partnered with Spotify, and Smino expects nearly 4,000 people to sell out Stifel. The yearly event has expanded to a full-scale, multi-day celebration. In the days leading up to the show, he will host a sneaker art workshop for kids. The proceeds from

the concert will support Almost o e a non rofi e n o eless women and their children, and provide new coats to Annie Malone Children & Family Services. Ticket sales will also go toward building Smino’s forthcoming St. Louis art school, the Kribmas School of Arts.

Smino wants the night to be made for St. Louis. In 2019, his last local performance before the pandemic, he rocked a Cardinals varsity jacket and Air Force 1’s painted by St. Louis artist Brock Seals — and brought out Nelly. This year, he promises, “I’m bringing out someone crazy.”

“I make Kribmas like extra super-duper special,” he says. “I always try to go the extra mile for Kribmas.”

For Smino, Kribmas is for the people at “the Crib,” the people of St. Louis, letting them know he’s still here — he’s from the Lou, he’s proud, and you should be, too.

“It’s important just to inspire,” he says. “You just never know, bro. The smallest little bit of spark might fuck around and send someone on the right track.” n

World-renowned rapper Smino misses St. Louis, so he’s coming back for Kribmas

Smino is holding his fi h annual charity holiday concert, Kribmas, on December 18. | DENITA TURNER

Oi to the World

Bastard Squad to host an eclectic evening of local music for annual Holiday Bizarre showcase

Written by DAVID VAN NORDHEIM

Holiday Bizarre w/ Bastard Squad, Jay Coast, NITE FRVR, Chainsaw Boyz 8 p.m. Saturday, December 17. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Avenue. $15 to $20. 314-498-6989.

On Saturday, December 17, St. Louis hardcore punk act Bastard Squad will host the Holiday Bizarre, a festive showcase of local artists and vendors. This is the third time the band has helmed the annual ce e ra on an e fir e being held at Off Broadway.

“We like to put together holiday events, with Halloween being the most important one, but we also know people need something fun to do to unwind around [Christmas],” says Don Brazel, a.k.a. Don Bastard, lead vocalist for Bastard Squad and owner of south county music store the Record Space. “We try to provide a fun night to escape all the stress.”

In addition to Bastard Squad, this year’s lineup will include eclectic hip-hop artist Jay Coast, dance-punks NITE FRVR and indie/punk rock band Chainsaw Boyz. Brazel and the other members of Bastard Squad selected the supporting artists with the intention of providing a mixture of musical genres and experiences for the audience. The event is co-sponsored by Brazel’s record label, aptly named the Record Label, as well as St. Louis’ own 4 Hands Brewing Co.

Bastard Squad has existed in multiple iterations since its founding in 1997, with St. Louis native Don Brazel being the sole original member. In addition to Brazel, the band’s current lineup consists of bassist Joe Manwarren, guitarists Kevin Tomorrow and Josh Edwards, and drummer Adam Gardner, the band’s latest addition and a veteran of California’s Bay Area hardcore punk scene. Earlier this year, the group released a new EP, Hideaway, and its members are currently writing material for a second full-length album.

a e af er e fic ona o within-a-show from British sitcom The Young Ones, the band’s sound

harkens back to the golden age of hardcore punk when bands such as the Dead Kennedys, Bad Brains and Black Flag reigned supreme. The band has played the local circuit for years and has opened for internationally famous punk acts such as the Adicts, Bad Brains vocalist H.R., and Fear.

Indie rapper Jay Coast is a close friend of Brazel’s and has become a staple of Bastard Squad’s local showcases. He is the son of DJ Ranx, a member of the St. Louis reggae group Dubtronix and host of the KHDX show Dub Mixture Jay credits his father as both an inspiration to his music and a role model for his career as an aspiring professional musician. He describes his own music as “funky, soulful and pure vibes,” citing n ence a er e a r nce Tyler the Creator and Thelonious Monk.

a oa a een ro fic nce his 2019 debut, with multiple albums released annually, most recently 2022’s SVRFVCE LVL Pt. 1. He has performed at a variety of St. Louis venues, with the Sinkhole being a personal favorite, an c rren oo n fir performances outside of the city.

Electropop revival act NITE FRVR was formed in 2020 by Jared Pitonak and Patrick Kablamo, who later recruited Jed Buechele and Andy Garces from other local bands. The group’s music combines electronic synth and drum tracks with live instruments and vocals, creating a sound its members describe as a combination of New Wave and video game music. Bands like the Bravery, the Rap-

ture and the Killers, who similarly combine elements of dance music and rock, are among NITE FRVR’s r ar n ence .

The band has performed at a variety of locations, including the Heavy Anchor, the Sinkhole and even comics and games store Apotheosis Comics. It was among the acts featured at this year’s Tower Grove Pride fest and Porchfest, an annual event in which local musicians perform on the front porches of residences in the Skinker DeBaliviere neighborhood. NITE FRVR released its second EP All the Boys earlier this year, and its members are working on their fir f en a . a n a o a fi e ece punk band featuring vocalist Maddie Garland, guitarists Chloe Halls and Julia Maret, bassist Dru Thornhill and drummer Gabe Lancia. The band’s members draw n fican n ra on fro e Riot Grrrl subculture, which famously combined feminism, punk rock and politics, and spawned celebrated groups like SleaterKinney and Bikini Kill. They also take cues from female-led hard rock bands such as Veruca Salt and the Runaways.

Chainsaw Boyz recently reea e fir Kill List, which combines tight punk instrumentals with social critiques of toxic masculinity and the blandness of suburbia (sample lyric: “Someday an e confi ence of an a erage white man/Someday I want e confi ence of a occer o in a mini-van”). The band competed in this year’s Bitter Jester Music Festival, an annual chari-

table event in which local artists through the Midwest contend for various prizes, including a gig at Chicago’s Navy Pier. Chainsaw Boyz has played at many venues throughout St. Louis, including Blueberry Hill, Red Flag and Off Broadway.

In addition to the upcoming Holiday Bizarre, Brazel will be hosting another showcase of local talent at the Record Shop on Thursday, December 15, to celebrate the fourth anniversary of his store’s opening. Like the upcoming holiday show at Off Broadway, the evening will feature local performers from a variety of genres, including hard rock (Sisser, the Jag-Wires), electropop (Superfun Yeah Yeah Rocketship), metal (the Cult Sounds, Trashgoat) and indie rock (Blush). The event will also have free food and drinks courtesy of 4 Hands, Liquid Death and vegan Tex-Mex restaurant Terror Taco.

Brazel has been a consistent supporter of local musicians, using his store, label and his role in Bastard Squad to host and promote events throughout the city. His label’s current lineup includes pop-punk band Horror Section and experimental metal group the Lion’s Daughter.

“My role in the local music scene has just been to express myself, put on events and provide a safe space for everyone interested in the kinds of stuff I’m interested in,” said Brazel. “It’s really that simple. Like Lincoln said in Bill and Ted’s Excellent Adventure, ‘Be excellent to each other, and party on dudes!’” n

Bastard Squad brings the golden age of hardcore back to O Broadway headlining a stacked bill at the Holiday Bizarre. | JEN RUFF

STAGE

semble numbers, and there are a number of individual highlights.

A Musical Treat

New Jewish eatre’s Jerry’s Girls celebrates the music of Jerry Herman, creator of hits Hello, Dolly! and La Cage Aux Folles

Written by TINA FARMER

by Jerry Herman. Directed

Isom. Presented by

New Jewish Theatre through Sunday, December 18. Showtimes vary by date. Tickets are $52.97 to $63.78.

You may not instantly recognize the name Jerry Herman, but it is quite likely you are familiar with his work. As a composer and lyricist, he’s responsible for some of Broadway’s most memorable shows from the 1960s into the ’80s. His biggest hits, Hello, Dolly! and La Cage Aux Folles, are Tony-winning pop-culture touchstones, and many of his songs reach far beyond the world of musical theater.

The New Jewish Theatre celebrates Herman with a thoroughly enjoyable revue that unfolds like the popular musical variety shows of the ’60s and ’70s. Though there’s a bit of dialogue, the two-act show is primarily a pageant of song and dance, delivered by a wellbalanced quintet featuring Kelsey Bearman, Molly Burris, Christina Rios and the mother/daughter pairing of Lisa and Greta Rosenstock. Directed and choreographed by Ellen Isom, the show is a heartfe r e o a ro fic a en .

The quick-paced Jerry’s Girls revue features ensemble numbers interspersed with solo performances, and each member of the quintet has at least one moment where their considerable talents shine. Act one opens with an ensemble piece, “It Takes a Woman,” which sets the tone for an evening fi e e ce ona ar on e . More that just simple chords, the voices bend around and counter each other, occasionally veering

into purposeful discord that beautifully resolves without distracting from the melody line, such as in the hopeful “Put on Your Sunday Clothes.”

The ensemble pieces are lively with fun choreography, plenty of props, humor, and even an une ec e en a ca received tap number. “Hello Dolly!” includes a hilariously spot-on impersonation of Carol Channing by

[REVIEW]

Holiday Fun

rr an c o e e fir ac a an . ere are e era e ened medleys, including tributes to Vaudeville and the movies that add humor and interest while showca n er an con era e e. e e f a a e Folles Medley” serves as the show’s ran fina e c a ca e off Herman’s illustrious career.

Solo performances are thoughtfully sprinkled between the en-

“Just Leave Everything to Me” from Lisa Rosenstock showcases er ran e an oca e re. o e e an r r n e ca e “Before the Parade Passes By” may bring a tear to your eye, and she and Rosenstock connect perfectly in “Kiss Her Now,” a touchingly pleasant duet. Greta Rosenstock’s bright midrange shines in “Wherever He Ain’t” as well as the full-ofgood-wishes “Shalom.” In addition to her comic turn as Channing, Burris commands sympathy in the plaintively sad “I Won’t Send Roses.” Bearman’s “I Don’t Want To Know,” with piano accompanist Cullen on the accordion, reverberates with a lovely dissonance.

Filled with a sense of nostalgia for the once-popular variety musical show, Jerry’s Girls earns vigorous audience applause not simply for the tunes but for the quality of the voices delivering them. Director Isom and the performers lean into the harmonies and nostalgia of a variety show to deliver a satisfying musical revue with a touch of your grandparents’ era and style. n

Written by TINA FARMER

The Twelve

Life is seldom like we see in the movies, and particularly not those popular holiday romantic comedies that proliferate this time of year. While Ginna Hoben’s comically relatable, if not quite believable, Twelve Dates of Christmas frequently reminds us of this point, the funny show might just make you wonder whether real-life rules apply to the holiday season.

Mary, played with natural ease and

flawless comic timing by Jennifer ThebyQuinn, is your typical, happily engaged single woman living in New York City. A struggling actor, she sometimes has to work service-industry gigs. But she’s getting by and very happy to be heading home to Ohio for Thanksgiving — with her fiancé, which means no more struggling to find a date for family events. No more well-intentioned gossip from her mother. No more awkward introductions to single men by her busybody Aunt Kathy. And no more motivational pep talks from her perky younger sister.

Mary’s life is finally perfect, or something much closer to perfect than singlehood. That is, until her fiancé calls and says he can’t go with her for Thanksgiving because he’s really sick. Unfortunately, Mary is about to learn that the truth is a bit different than what she was told. On Thanksgiving morning, Mary and (it seems) everyone she knows, except her family, sees her fiancé kissing his coworker on live TV during the Macy’s Day Parade!

Before she has time to process the shock of the moment, her parents, sister Sally and Sally’s perfect boyfriend Ted burst through the front door to announce that Sally and Ted are engaged. Naturally, Mary breaks down. The family tries to support her. Sally gives her a

rousing pep talk at the gym, mom shares the news with the best of intentions, and Aunt Kathy grabs the opportunity to set Mary up with the “perfect” guy during her annual eggnog party. The guy turns out to actually be pretty fantastic, but the timing is not right, so Mary heads back to the city. And with this simple framework, a year of dating and self-discovery begins.

Theby-Quinn is naturally sympathetic and hilariously compelling as Mary. She finds a way to connect to the truth in each date and personal revelation without being showy or overt. Director Lee Ann Mathews does a great job by giving ThebyQuinn a solid framework and constraints to fill in, then letting the performer’s wellhoned talents shine. Their partnership is strong, smoothing out problematic moments such as the oft-mentioned refrain that this story is “too much like a romantic comedy to be believed.”

While not an instant classic, The Twelve Dates of Christmas is a charming, often-laugh-out-loud-funny take on navigating modern holidays as a single person. Theby-Quinn is relatable and personable, with a keen sense of empathy and drop-dead funny characterizations of the important people in Mary’s life. For good, clean holiday fun, grab some friends, a drink and enjoy! n

Jerry’s Girls

Written

by Ellen

the

Westport Playhouse’s production of e Twelve Dates of Christmas is a funny, relatable look at modern love

Dates of Christmas Written by Ginna Hoben. Directed by Lee Ann Mathews. Presented by the Westport Playhouse through Friday, December 23. Showtimes vary by date. Tickets are $34.

From le : Kelsey Bearman, Lisa Rosenstock, Greta Rosenstock, Molly Burris and Christina Rios take the stage in Jerry’s Girls. | JON GITCHOFF

OUT EVERY NIGHT

Each week, we bring you our picks for the best concerts of the next seven days! To submit your show for consideration, visit https://bit.ly/3bgnwXZ. All events are subject to change, especially in the age of COVID-19, so do check with the venue for the most up-to-date information before you head out for the night. And, of course, be sure that you are aware of the venues’ COVID-safety requirements, as those vary from place to place, and you don’t want to get stuck outside because you forgot your mask or proof of vaccination. Happy showgoing!

THURSDAY 15

AARON LEWIS: 7:30 p.m., $49.50-$89.50. The ac or er e erfie 314-423-8500.

THE BUTTERY BISCUIT BAND: 9 p.m., $8. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

THE DHORUBA COLLECTIVE: 8 p.m., $15-$20. Joe’s Cafe, 6014 Kingsbury Ave, St. Louis.

DREW LANCE: 4 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

JOE METZKA BAND: . . . a e Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

PETER MAYER NIGHT 2: . . . e ar a e ar . . o .

RIOT TEN: . . . oc o e S. 7th St., St. Louis, 314-588-0505.

SOPHIE CARPENTER: . . . e raerr o roo o n e o e e St. Louis, 314-256-1745.

FRIDAY 16

EL MONSTERO - A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD: 8 p.m., . . . e a ean e ar . St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

EX CATHEDRA: na o o e a e . . . e a oc Street, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND BRASSTRAVAGANZA NIGHT 1: . . . e ar a e ar . . o .

KEVIN BUCKLEY: 4 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

MINDCLOT: w/ Proton, Murtaugh, Karenocae . . . e n o e o Broadway, St. Louis, 314-328-2309.

MOM’S KITCHEN: 10 p.m., $12. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

PC BAND & TERRY ROGERS: 10 p.m., $15. BB’s a e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

PROUD LARRY: w/ Grayson 5 p.m.-1:30 a.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshigha n oor . o .

ROCKY MANTIA & THE KILLER COMBO: 7 p.m., . a e o . roa a St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

THE SERVICE: . . free. e n e er Groves, 17 Moody Ave., St. Louis, 314-962-1515.

STONE CRAZY: . . free. eer ar an r a ona a o n en er anc e er 636-220-8030.

VOODOO JOHN HARTFORD: 9 p.m., $15-$20. Cenra a e a n on en e . o 314-533-0367.

SATURDAY 17

120 MINUTES TRIBUTE TO THE CURE, THE SMITHS, R.E.M.: . . . e err e c oo e ar . n er 314-727-4444.

ALL ROOSTERED UP: noon, free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

Goblin8 p.m. Saturday, December 17. Red Flag, 3040 Locust Street. $45 to $75. 314-714-8678.

After nearly four decades of sculpting prog-rock records and soundtracks for arthouse horror films, Goblin announced its very first tour of North America in 2013. Initially, St. Louis wasn’t on the short list of cities for the legendary Italian rock outfit, but after a wildly successful string of shows and festival appearances, Goblin extended its tour and played to a packed room on a memorable and foggy winter night. Although scoring films wasn’t yet part of the plan when guitarist Massimo Morante and keyboardist Claudio Simonetti first started playing togeth-

er in the early seventies, an opportunity to work with director Dario Argento on Italian giallo film Profundo rosso led to a series of collaborations — notably, 1977 supernatural horror classic Suspiria Longtime fans of Goblin know that the band has had a revolving door of members alongside some name changes and splinter groups such as New Goblin, Goblin Rebirth and Back to the Goblin, to name a few. So when Simonetti and company returned to performing under the original moniker, they put together long sets of deep cuts that reached into the backlog of the band’s extensive body of work. That’s what makes this dark December night so special: Goblin will celebrate the 45 year anniversary of

Suspiria by performing a live score to the film, and then they’ll close out the night with a second set of songs plucked from throughout the band’s history. In a perfect world, Goblin would join the likes of Mannheim Steamroller and El Monstero to further cement metal and prog rock as an annual holiday tradition in St. Louis.

RIP to an Absolute Legend: Fans of Goblin’s influential and seminal body of work collectively mourned earlier this year when founding member Massimo Morante passed away at the age of 69. The Italian multi-instrumentalist and composer last appeared on Goblin’s most recent release, 2018’s Fearless(37513 Zombie Ave) —Joseph Hess

BANDTOGETHER: 8 p.m., free. The 560 Music Center, 560 Trinity Ave., University City, 314-421-3600.

THE BASTARD SQUAD HOLIDAY BIZARRE: 8 p.m., $15-$25. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

BOOMBOX: . . . er ar a no o enec e ar er ar . . ar e 636-940-4966.

BRANDON SANTINI: . . . a e Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

EL MONSTERO - A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD: 8 p.m., . . . e a ean e ar . St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

FUNKY BUTT BRASS BAND BRASSTRAVAGANZA NIGHT 2: . . . e ar a e ar

. . o .

GOBLIN: . . . e a oc Street, St. Louis, 314-289-9050.

GRAHAM CURRY AND THE MISSOURI FURY: 8 p.m., . e ra err o roo o n e o e e . o .

THE HOOTEN HOLLERS: ne a . . . en ra a e a n on en e . Louis, 314-533-0367.

HOT HANDS WONDERLAND: . . free. e ff r r oo . effer on e. r oo .

JAKE’S LEG: 10 p.m., $12. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

THE JEREMIAH JOHNSON BAND: e oo

Trio 5 p.m.-1:30 a.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, . n a n oor . o 314-376-5313.

JESUS CHRIST SUPERCAR VINYL RELEASE SHOW: a e a o n e ereo . . . oc o e . . . o 314-588-0505.

JINGLEFEST 2022: . . . a rena rena ar a ar e .

KINGDOM BROTHERS BAND: 10 p.m., $15. BB’s a e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

TAB BENOIT: w/ the Dirty Dozen Brass Band 8 . . . e a orn a n on Avenue, St. Louis.

Goblin. | VIA SUSPIRIA

TOM HALL: . . . a e o 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

THE TROPHY MULES: . . free. a re n o an er e. . o .

SUNDAY 18

THE CHRIS SHEPHERD BAND: 3 p.m., $20. BB’s a e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

EL MONSTERO - A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD: Dec. 18, 7 p.m. $32.50-$52.50. The Pageant, 6161 e ar . . o .

ERIC LYSAGHT: 9 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

HOLIDAY CANDLELIGHT OPEN HOUSE AND CONCERT: . . free. e . ran a ona or c Site, 7400 Grant Road, Concord, 314-842-3298.

LOVE JONES “THE BAND”: 8 p.m., $15. BB’s Jazz, e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

ONE TOO MANY: . . . e ra err o roo o n e o e e . o 314-256-1745.

THE SAINT LOUIS CHAMBER CHORUS: ADVENT TO CHRISTMAS: 3 p.m., $10-$40. Union Avenue r an rc . n on . . o 314-361-8844.

MONDAY 19

DREW LANCE: 5 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

SOULARD BLUES BAND: 9 p.m., $5. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

THIRD SIGHT BAND: . . . a e Soups, 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

TUESDAY 20

CHRIS SHEPHERD BAND: 7 p.m., $15. BB’s Jazz, e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

ERIC LYSAGHT: 9 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

RICH FLEETWOOD: 5 p.m., free. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

Cursive w/ Leggy

8 p.m. Wednesday, December 21. O Broadway, 3509 Lemp Avenue. $20 to $22. 314-498-6989.

[CRITIC’S PICK]

LAST GNOME STANDING: Sat., Feb. 4, 11 a.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshighway, 2nd oor . o .

THE LIZARDTONES: Thu., Dec. 29, 8 p.m., $15. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

LOS TIGRES DEL NORTE: Fri., Feb. 24, 8 p.m., $52.50-$202.50. The Factory, 17105 N Outer 40 e erfie .

LOVE JONES “THE BAND”: Sat., Dec. 31, 10 p.m., . a e o . roa a St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

LYNYRD SKYNYRD & ZZ TOP: Thu., Aug. 17, 6:30 . . . . . o oo a noea re ar . ar an Heights, 314-298-9944.

THE MEDITATIONS: Fri., Jan. 20, 8 p.m., $20-$25. The Broadway Boat Bar, 1424 N Broadway St, St Louis, (314) 565-4124.

THE MIGHTY PINES NYE ‘90S FREAKOUT: Sat., Dec. . . . e o en ecor eroee ree . o .

MOLCHAT DOMA: r . r . . . $64.50. The Factory, 17105 N Outer 40 Rd, e erfie .

MOM’S KITCHEN: Sun., Dec. 25, 8 p.m., $20. BB’s a e o . roa a . o 314-436-5222.

BIG RICH MCDONOUGH & THE RHYTHM RENEGADES: . . . a e o 700 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

THE CHARLIE BERRY PROJECT: . . . eerr e c oo e ar . University City, 314-727-4444.

CURSIVE: 8 p.m., $20. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

A DRAG QUEEN CHRISTMAS: 8 p.m., $43-$171. e ac or er e erfie 314-423-8500.

EL MONSTERO - A TRIBUTE TO PINK FLOYD: . . . e a ean e ar . St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

ELLINGTON’S NUTCRACKER: 7 p.m., $37. Jazz . o a n on e . o 314-571-6000.

VOODOO LED ZEPPELIN II: 9 p.m., $12. Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

THE WATERLOO GERMAN BAND: 6 p.m., free. Das Bevo Biergarten, 4749 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-224-5521.

WHITAKER VARLEY AND CURT LANDES: 7 p.m., . e ra err o roo o n e o e e . o .

THIS JUST IN

BLIND MAN’S BLUFF: Fri., Feb. 24, 5 p.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshighway, 2nd oor . o .

BOXCAR: Thu., Jan. 19, 8 p.m., $15. Joe’s Cafe, 6014 Kingsbury Ave, St. Louis.

Although 2003’s The Ugly Organ could be considered Cursive’s biggest mainstream success, its earlier record Domestica enjoys a permanent spot in emo canon. The idea of a concept album isn’t new and certainly wasn’t back in 2000, but the way songwriter Tim Kasher chose to artfully articulate the discomfort that forging intimate bonds can bring has endured in the hearts of fans. In a move that was long overdue, Cursive put out a remastered reissue of Domestica on its own 15 Passenger Records label earlier this year and then subsequently announced

THE BREAKDOWNS: Sat., Jan. 14, 7:45 p.m., $10. e err e c oo e ar . n er .

BROCK WALKER & FRIENDS: Sat., Dec. 31, 3 p.m., . a e o . roa a St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

BUSH: Sun., Feb. 26, 7:30 p.m., $45-$75. The Pagean e ar . . o .

CITY MORGUE: a . r . . . e aean e ar . . o .

COMMON GROUND: Fri., Feb. 3, noon, $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshighway, 2nd oor . o .

CRASH TEST DUMMIES: Sun., March 5, 8 p.m., $40. e ar a e ar . . o 314-726-6161.

DIESEL ISLAND: Fri., Dec. 30, 7 p.m., free. Das Bevo Biergarten, 4749 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-224-5521.

DRIVE-BY TRUCKERS: Sat., March 18, 8 p.m., . . e a ean e ar . St. Louis, 314-726-6161.

GENE JACKSON & POWER PLAY: Fri., Dec. 30, . . . a e o . Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

GENE JACKSON & POWER PLAY BAND: Sat., Dec. . . . a e o .

a headlining tour for which the band will perform the record in full. While Cursive’s total output includes a wide spectrum of indie-learning vibes, this early album is a crystallization of a specific time and place in American punk and emo music, and will likely be remembered another 20 years from now. This night is notably the last stop in a three-week tour through Canada, the east coast and midwest, so expect a well-oiled engine of emphatic and melodic rock that continues to stand the test of time.

Beginning and the End: Funny enough, Cursive kicked off 2022 with a show at Off Broadway alongside like-minded indie rockers Appleseed Cast. This time around, Cincinnati, Ohio, group Leggy will open the show with a set of fiery and popsensible dream punk. —Joseph Hess

Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

GIOVANNIE & THE HIRED GUNS: Tue., Feb. 28, 8 p.m., $22. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

THE HOMEWRECKERS: Fri., Feb. 10, 5 p.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshighway, 2nd oor . o .

JANET JACKSON: n. r . . . . . n er r e en er ar e. St. Louis, 314-241-1888.

JASON COOPER & THE COOP DEVILLES: Fri., Dec. . . . a e o . Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

JAZZ ST. LOUIS’ NEW YEAR’S EVE: c or Friends, Sat., Dec. 31, 9 p.m., $175. Jazz St. Louis, a n on e . o .

KILBORN ALLEY BAND: Fri., Dec. 23, 7 p.m., $15. a e o . roa a St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

KINGDOM BROTHERS: Sat., Dec. 31, 7 p.m., $25. a e o . roa a . Louis, 314-436-5222. Sat., Feb. 25, 5 p.m., $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kingshighway, n oor . o .

LAST DANCE: A TOM PETTY TRIBUTE: Fri., Feb. 17, noon, $10. The Attic Music Bar, 4247 S. Kinga n oor . o .

MORRIS DAY AND THE TIME: Fri., June 2, 8 p.m., . er a no o e er a no . . o .

NEW YEARS EVE WITH AFROMAN: ennon r e ear a e an r a . ec. 9 p.m., $30-$200. The Broadway Boat Bar, 1424 N Broadway St, St Louis, 314-565-4124.

NOAH KAHAN: Fri., Oct. 13, 8 p.m., $40.50. . . o c ar a no en er r. ar an e .

POP’S LOCAL SHOWCASE: Sat., Jan. 21, 7 p.m., $8. o c on an o e. East St. Louis, 618-274-6720.

PROUD LARRY: Sat., Feb. 11, 5 p.m., $10. The Atc c ar . n a n oor St. Louis, 314-376-5313.

QUEENSRŸCHE: Sun., March 26, 7:30 p.m., $35. e ar a e ar . . o 314-726-6161.

SABRINA CARPENTER: n. r . . $35-$40. The Factory, 17105 N Outer 40 Rd, e erfie .

THE SADIES: Sun., Feb. 19, 8 p.m., $22. Off Broadway, 3509 Lemp Ave., St. Louis, 314-498-6989.

SHARON BEAR & DOUG FOEHNER: Sat., Dec. 24, . . . a e o . Broadway, St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

SKID ROW AND BUCKCHERRY: Sat., March 18, 8 . . . . o c onsanto Ave., East St. Louis, 618-274-6720.

THE SLEEPY RUBIES: e a ane r o Fri., Jan. 27, 7:30 p.m., $22. Jazz St. Louis, 3536 a n on e . o .

SOFT CRISIS: a e on ee e ea an e ne an r . ec. . . $10. The Heavy Anchor, 5226 Gravois Ave., St. Louis, 314-352-5226.

TENACIOUS D: Mon., May 8, 7:30 p.m., $55$99.50. The Factory, 17105 N Outer 40 Rd, e erfie .

THEO KATZMAN: Tue., May 9, 8:30 p.m., $30.38. e ar a e ar . . o 314-726-6161.

THIRD SIGHT BAND: Mon., Dec. 26, 8 p.m., $10. a e o . roa a St. Louis, 314-436-5222.

VOODOO DEAD 1968: e . an. . . .

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

VOODOO DEAD 1973: e . an. . . .

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

VOODOO JGB 1989: e . an. . . .

Broadway Oyster Bar, 736 S. Broadway, St. Louis, 314-621-8811.

Cursive. | VIA ARTIST BANDCAMP

SAVAGE LOVE

The Birthday Boy

BY DAN SAVAGE

Hey Dan: I’m a 50-year-old cis straight female writing with a question about my son. He’s 19 and in college. I’m a single mom, and we are very close. When he was eight, I found him on my laptop looking at videos of “strong women” wrestling with men. Since then, that’s all he looks at online and fantasizes about. There is a particular woman he follows. For a fee, you can wrestle with her. She engages in other acts as well (BDSM), but according to my son, sex is not permitted. He says her website is very clear about this. He assures me she’s legit and has only positive online reviews. I asked to look at her website, but he was reluctant to show me due to embarrassment. I didn’t push it. Then for his upcoming birthday he asked if I would split the cost of a session with this woman: $600! My first concern is for his safety. Maybe I listen to too many true crime podcasts, but I’m worried that something bad will happen to him and I’ll never see him again. I know that many people visit sex workers and live to tell the tale. And now, as I sit here writing this, I realize that it’s sex workers who are the more vulnerable ones. So maybe his safety is a non-issue. Still, I’m his mom, and I worry. My other concern is that engaging with this woman may mess him up sexually. He hasn’t had any prior sexual experiences, and I’m worried that if this woman is his first experience, it will make ordinary, real-life pedestrian sex uninteresting for him in the future.

I have no one to talk with about this, which is why I’m reaching out to you. I’ve always maintained an open and nonjudgmental relationship with my son, but I’m really struggling with this. He already has an appointment, and I’m super ambivalent about this and need your reassurance.

They Grow Up So Fast

“I’ve always been kinky,” journalist and author Jillian Keenan wrote in her 2016 memoir, Sex with Shakespeare. “My fetish appeared early, long before I knew anything about kink or the diversity of sexual lifestyles. As a child, I pored over any book that mentioned spanking, paddling, or thrashing. Tom Sawyer and The Whipping Boy went through many early reads, as did, believe it or not, key entries in the Oxford English Dictionary. ... I looked up the definitions for spank, paddle, thrash and whip so often that, after

a few years, my dictionary automatically fell open to those pages.”

Keenan’s memoir tracks her two lifelong obsessions: the plays of William Shakespeare (way kinkier than your high school English teacher ever let on) and her love of spanking, obsessions that have intersected and informed each other in surprising ways throughout her life.

Reading Sex with Shakespeare might give you some comfort, TGUSF. Because Keenan, who like your son was raised by a single mom, found a community of likeminded kinksters as an adult, found love and lost love and found love again, and along the way made a name for herself as a fearless foreign correspondent. And like Keenan, TGUSF, your son is kinky and always has been. Now, not every prepubescent child’s obsession becomes a full-blown kink in adulthood; if that was the way it worked, there would be a lot more dinosaur fetishists out there. (And there are some!) But your kid’s kinks, like Keenan’s kinks, were hardwired early, and a first sexual experience that’s strictly vanilla won’t erase them. He is who he is, TGUSF, and while dating is going to be a little bit more of a challenge for him, TGUSF, you son is gonna have a much easier time finding like-minded perverts out there — friends, play partners and potential romantic partners — than kinksters did before the internet came along.

All that said, I don’t think you should get your son a sex worker for his birthday (or go halfsies on one), TGUSF, and I don’t think your son should’ve asked you to. Being close is fine — being close is wonderful — but you can be close and have or establish healthy and appropriate boundaries. “There are things a mother has a right not to know,” my mom liked to say. She knew her kids, once we were adults, were out in the world taking risks and exploring our sexualities and making mistakes and sometimes getting into trouble. Mom was there for us when the shit hit the fan, but she didn’t want to know where we were, who we were with, or what we were getting up to at all times. Because she didn’t wanna worry more than she, as a mom, was going to anyway. So when I called my mom once from a sex dungeon in Berlin (on her birthday!), and she asked where I was, who I was with and what I was doing, I lied to her.

If your son is old enough to book a session with a sex worker, TGUSF, he’s old enough to pay for it himself. And if he needs to talk about it with someone and he doesn’t have a friend he can confide in about his kinks, well, that’s what Reddit and Twitter and sex-advice columnists are for. His sex life isn’t your business, and he shouldn’t make it your business.

Also not your business: how your son chooses to spend his birthday money. If he spends his birthday money on a PS5, that’s something he could share with his mom. If he spends his birthday money on a sex worker, that’s something he should lie to his mom about. If your son doesn’t know he should lie to his mom about that kind of stuff yet — if he doesn’t know there are things a mom has a right not to know — then you’ll have to tell him.

P.S. My first sexual experiences were exactly what my mom wanted them to be — very straight and very vanilla — and they didn’t make me any less gay or any less kinky. That’s just not the way it works.

Hey Dan: I’m feeling a little lost about something. I’m a 42-year-old gay man and I’ve been married for nine years. My marriage has been very rocky, and I should’ve had the courage to end it much sooner. I have now made the decision to do so and will be filing right after the holidays. We took a break last year and separated and during that time I briefly met an incredible guy. More recently, I’ve come to know him better, and I think he is really special. I’m not divorcing because of him, but sometimes it takes meeting a special person to realize what you’re lacking in your own relationship. I’ve talked with him about the situation, and we will remain friends whatever happens, but he doesn’t want to be a “rebound.” I don’t want to be that either. I’ve only come to know him better in the last couple of weeks, and I’m scared of asking him if he’d be open to dating me when the divorce is final. I’m afraid that if I do that, I will scare him off, and I don’t want to lose him as a friend.

Dreaded Rebound Relationship

Here’s the funny thing about rebound relationships … when they work out, no one remembers they were rebound relationships. They’re just relationships. But when two people get together shortly after one or both got out of prior relationship and it doesn’t work out, everyone stands around saying, “Oh,

yeah, those rebound relationships, they never work out.”

I say this as someone who has been in a rebound relationship for almost three decades. I met my husband the first night I went out after getting my heart broken. I almost didn’t give the guy who would eventually become my husband a chance, DRR, because I’d heard — again and again and again — that rebound relationships never work out.

“If it weren’t for rebound relationships, I wouldn’t have been with the incredible man I’ve been with for 19 years and counting,” said my friend Dr. Daniel Summers. “When we first met, I was still mired in sadness after having been unceremoniously dumped shortly before. Not only did I still have feelings for the other guy, but the man also who would eventually become my husband watched me cry over him. And then, it clicked. The guy who was right in front of me was the one I had been looking for all along. Nobody would ever call him my ‘rebound husband.’ They simply know him as the guy I was lucky enough to meet at the right time.”

Maybe rebound relationships would have a better reputation if people like me and Dr. Summers occasionally referred to the men we married as “rebound husbands,” if only to remind people that, yes, rebound relationships sometimes work out. And since very few of us wind up married to the first person we dated seriously, most of us are in rebound relationships that somehow worked out.

All that said, DRR, it’s Mr. Incredible who has qualms, not you. He’s the one who’s worried about getting into a potential “rebound relationship” with someone who just got divorced. Maybe he believes what everyone assumes to be true, i.e., rebound relationships never work out, and getting into one that does work out might be the only way to convince him otherwise. Getting into one that doesn’t work out, on the other hand, could wind up confirming his priors. It’s also possible he isn’t interested in dating you — bound or rebound — and his stated wariness about being your “rebound” is a white lie meant to spare your feelings. But there’s only one way to find out how he really feels: Initiate that divorce, follow through, get it finalized and then ask Mr. Incredible — assuming he’s still single — how much more time has to pass for your relationship to be out of “rebound” territory.

Follow Dr. Daniel Summers on Twitter @WFKARS.

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“ For his upcoming birthday my son asked if I would split the cost of a session with this woman:$600!”