SAVAGE LOVE 45

Hey Dan: How can a bottom in his 50s find a dang top? Ageism sucks!

I’m always a little suspicious when a guy in his 50s — and that’s my demo — starts to complain about ageism in the gay community … because I’ve heard from too many middle-aged gay guys whose complaints about “ageism” boiled down to, “Guys in their 20s and 30s don’t wanna fuck me, and I don’t wanna fuck guys my own age or older.” It may not be as easy for a guy in his 50s to find dick, but it’s not impossible, and it’s certainly not as hard as it was back when only guys in their 20s were considered hot. There are lots of guys who are into hot daddies these days, and while a lot of those guys are bottoms, they aren’t all bottoms.

Hey Dan: I’m pre-op, no-T, non-binary, AFAB. Do I belong on Grindr?

It depends on what you mean by, “Do I belong?” If what you mean is, “Am I allowed on Grindr and will I find someone there who might wanna fuck me?” then the answer is yes. But if what you mean is, “Will I have a completely frictionless experience on Grindr and not encounter a single asshole who goes out of his way to make me feel like I don’t belong on a hookup app for gay and bi men because I have a vagina and boobs?” then the answer is no. But by that standard … no one “belongs” on Grindr, where some people — where some assholes — have been known to go out of their way to make people, AFAB and AMAB, cis and trans, gay and otherwise, feel like they don’t belong.

Hey Dan: My girlfriend has some body odor — underarm odor — that I notice when we play. Any subtle ways to tell her?

I’m not a “mansmells” kind of guy/pervert, but I like the way my men smell … at least most of the time. When they smell too strong or sour or otherwise unpleasant, I usually just say, “You stink,” and point them to the shower. Try it.

Hey Dan: How does one effectively manage a throuple?

By not obsessing about what you’ve given up, lost and/or never had — which would be absolute primacy — and instead being grateful for what you’ve gained, e.g., someone else to do the dishes, someone else to pick up groceries, someone else to walk the dogs, etc.

Hey Dan: How are you liking MILF Manor?

I stopped watching MILF Manor after the third episode — the challenges were in- creasingly lame, the MILFs didn’t seem serious about wanting to actually fuck the younger men, and the younger men didn’t seem serious about wanting to fuck the MILFs. I’m watching Young Royals S2, now, and rooting for Willie, Simon and Marcus to form a throuple.

Hey Dan: I’m addicted to PMO — “porn, masturbation, orgasm.” How do I break this addiction and start having real sex?

If you’re having a hard time closing the laptop, pulling up your pants and getting out of the house, you might have to do something radical — like canceling your internet service or getting your ass into therapy.

Hey Dan: Ever since birthing my children, all of my masturbation fantasies include me having a penis. Is there a possible physiological reason for this? Or is it all in my head?

Physiological — “relating to the branch of biology that deals with the normal functions of living organisms and their parts” would seem to cover what’s going on in your head, as you’re a living organism and your head is one of your parts, so the distinction you’re attempting to draw between physiological and psychological seems false to me. Whatever is going on here, it’s interesting — definitely something to explore and enjoy.

Hey Dan: My ex and I miss each other and we’re both in therapy now. Is it a bad idea to get back together?

There’s an option between “broken up” and “back together,” and it’s called “dating.” Keep things casual, keep your own places, keep seeing your therapists and keep all your options — including the option of getting back together — open.

Hey Dan: Any recommended resources (such as books) for our 18-year-old son about same-sex sex?

Assuming your son has access to the internet, he probably knows quite a bit. I would supplement what he already knows (or thinks he knows) with Let’s Talk About It: The Teen’s Guide to Sex, Relationships, and Being a Human by Erika Moen and Matthew Moen, which is for young people of all sexual orientations and gender identities, and get him an appointment with a gay doc who can talk to him about safety and, if appropriate, get him on PrEP.

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