Riverfront Times, June 17, 2020 by Chava Communications

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MARCH 6-12, 2019

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THE LEDE

PHOTO BY THEO WELLING

“I’m showing up to fight for what’s right. I’m no longer going to stay silent. This is an awakening for me. I’m here for my people.” ASHREALE MCDOWELL PHOTOGRAPHED IN THE DELMAR LOOP AT THE DIVIDED WE FALL MARCH ON JUNE 12

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A Summer to Remember

ormally, figuring out our annual ummer uide is an exercise in narrowing down the possibilities. ut with a handful of disasters smacking together, we had a different challenge eeing past the hurdles to show readers that all is not lost. We’ve come up with a list of suggestions and strategies, some more serious than others, for relieving the stress we’re all feeling. For that reason, this ummer uide has more purpose than most. ut this issue isn’t all tips for building your own pool or befriending a murder of crows. The talented eannette ooperman returns with a follow up story about a single mother trying to navigate a pandemic, budding recession and the rising protests while living in the code, where life expectancy is lower than any other in t. ouis. — Doyle Murphy, editor in chief

TABLE OF CONTENTS CAN’T

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Publisher Chris Keating Editor in Chief Doyle Murphy

E D I T O R I A L Digital Editor Jaime Lees Hero In A Hot Dog Suit Daniel Hill Contributors Trenton Almgren-Davis, Cheryl Baehr, Eric Berger, Jeanette Cooperman, Thomas Crone, Mike Fitzgerald, Judy Lucas, Noah MacMillan, Andy Paulissen, Justin Poole, Chris Ward, Theo Welling, Danny Wicentowski, Ymani Wince Columnist Ray Hartmann A R T

& P R O D U C T I O N Art Director Evan Sult Editorial Layout Haimanti Germain Production Manager Haimanti Germain M U L T I M E D I A A D V E R T I S I N G Advertising Director Colin Bell Senior Account Executive Cathleen Criswell Account Managers Emily Fear, Jennifer Samuel Multimedia Account Executive Jackie Mundy C I R C U L A T I O N Circulation Manager Kevin G. Powers

COVER Summer Guide All is not lost, if you follow our tips Cover illustration by

E U C L I D M E D I A G R O U P Chief Executive Officer Andrew Zelman Chief Operating Officers Chris Keating, Michael Wagner VP of Digital Services Stacy Volhein www.euclidmediagroup.com N A T I O N A L A D V E R T I S I N G VMG Advertising 1-888-278-9866, vmgadvertising.com S U B S C R I P T I O N S Send address changes to Riverfront Times, 308 N. 21st Street, Suite 300, St. Louis, MO 63103. Domestic subscriptions may be purchased for $78/6 months (MO add $4.74 sales tax) and $156/year (MO add $9.48 sales tax) for first class. Allow 6-10 days for standard delivery. www.riverfronttimes.com

NOAH MACMILLAN

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INSIDE The Lede Hartmann News Feature Short Orders Savage Love 6

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HARTMANN Hocus Pocus On today’s reading list: Eric Greitens and the Politician’s Bone BY RAY HARTMANN

n the famous Harry Potter series of fantasy novels, the memory charm — cast with the word “obliviate” — was used by magic people (witches) to erase specific memories from the minds of non-magic people (Muggles). The purpose was mostly to keep the Muggles from knowing much about the witches. It worked pretty well, although sometimes the witches had to resort to memorymodifying charms, which added memories to the Muggle’s mind that were never there to start with. Don’t look now, Muggles, but that guy over there on the broomstick is Eric Greitens.

Yes, our ex-governor, ever the charmer, has decided to return to public life with the help of a little magic. Greitens embarked in late February to the Ministry of Magic to conjure potions in the Dark Arts of revisionist history. f you’re a fan of good fiction, commend to you Greitens’ Twitter sorcery. You can enjoy watching the pull-up expert and some media allies come unhinged. Greitens has spoken with such luminaries as “journalist” John Solomon, who when not running political errands to Ukraine for President Donald Trump, churns conspiracy theories faster than you can say “Antifa is eating our children!” Solomon, Greitens’ most loyal attack dog, has combined his bark with that of a seal to expose the persecution of our ex-governor on Fox, Newsmax, Salem Radio and the like. Persecution? Oh yes, that. First allow Greitens to get in a word: “Obliviate!” Ok, now you’re ready to know

what happened to Greitens, because you no longer have any memory of these 2018 events: • KMOV airing bombshell audio January 10, provided by the ex-husband of a woman (KS) who was Greitens’ ex-mistress. The man secretly recorded her tearful confession to an affair with Greitens, complete with lurid details. • Then-state Sen. Rob Schaaf (RSt. Joseph), tweeting “Stick a fork in him” about Greitens that day, leading a host of state legislators, such as Sens. Jamilah Nasheed (D-St. Louis), Gary Romine (RFarmington), Doug Libla (R-Poplar Bluff) and Gina Walsh (D-St. Louis), and Reps. Shamed Dogan (R-Ballwin), Deb Lavender (DKirkwood) and Tracy McCreery (D-Frontenac), all of whom called for Greitens’ head. • From January 10 forward, the Missouri state legislature conducting a high profile investigation in which KS convinced them she was telling the truth about having been tied up in Greitens’ base-

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ment, stripped without consent, coerced into oral sex and blackmailed if she told of the affair. • The legislature conducting a major investigation into Greitens’ political misuse of his charity: The Mission Continues. • Senator Josh Hawley (then state attorney general) and Rep. Ann Wagner joining a long line of Republicans calling for Greitens to resign. • A judge ruling on May 29, that reitens’ secretive nonprofit must turn over its documents to the legislature, and Greitens announcing his resignation hours later. • State Rep. Jay Barnes (R-Jefferson ity filing campaign finance complaints on June 1 with the Missouri Ethics Commission about campaign finance allegations. The filing came after reitens resigned and was unrelated to why he left. Since none of that ever happened, Greitens, with the help of

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a memory-modifying charm, was able to share the following new truths with national audiences: “This was organized as a campaign to drive me from o ce because I was elected as a conservative outsider — we got more done in the first year than the state had in the previous sixteen — and the people were happy with what we were doing. You had a George Soros-funded prosecutor bringing a false indictment against me with no evidence. You had $120,000 or more in cash delivered to people to get them to make up lies. The whole thing was baked from the beginning. This was a political hit job designed to undo the results of the 2016 election, to overturn the will of the voters. You had a cabal of national liberals working with deep-state insiders with the help of Missouri media who were working hand in hand with this George Soros prosecutor named Kim Gardner pushing all these false allegations. So, I was accused and indicted with no evidence, and the judge just let this thing keep rolling and rolling and rolling along. So, they’re ripping your reputation apart every day, trying to bankrupt your family with legal expenses and the Fake News is magnifying this, and we literally don’t have a journalist in the state who’ll say, ‘Hold on, how can you charge this man with no evidence?’ And then, when the Missouri Ethics Commission looked at the whole thing, they came out and said Eric Greitens did absolutely nothing wrong, that he was completely exonerated, the Missouri media almost refused to report the facts about what the ethics commission found.” So, there’s that. Greitens repeatedly referred to St. Louis Circuit Attorney Kim Gardner as “the Soros-funded prosecutor.” (Soros’ PAC did give her substantial money in 2016, but she denies ever having met or spoken with him.) Solomon asserted as fact that Gardner’s ill-chosen investigator — former FBI agent William Tisaby — will be going to prison, even though he has pleaded not guilty to perjury charges. Solomon, in talking to Greitens, tried to put the ex-governor’s tragic persecution in a broader context. “It’s eerie. Everything that happened to President Trump in 2017 with the fake Russia investigation was exported to America’s heartland, and they took down

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Missouri’s governor. The only difference is that they weren’t able to charge the president with anything. There’s clearly a wave now where the left has decided to weaponize law enforcement with Soros prosecutors. They’re going to conduct bogus investigations. They’re going to put people forward to make false allegations, and they’re going to rely on people who don’t care about the facts and the fake news to drive those allegations. Bad for democracy.” Seb Gorka, like me, reached for a Harry Potter analogy, describing Soros as “Lord Voldemort.” Unlike me, Trump’s former deputy assistant is an accused Nazi sympathizer, but that’s not important here. “You were a conservative outsider getting things done,” he told Greitens. “The people loved you, you were a threat to the swamp, so Soros and all of them realized they had to take you out. It’s an unbelievably disturbing story.” The magic narrative is a lot more fun than the one the Muggles no longer remember. Having Soros involved is cool, and so is the fact that the MEC “exoneration” was completely unrelated to the two things Greitens actually resigned over: allegations he abused and threatened a woman and alleged criminality with charity money. Greitens and Solomon didn’t mention that the Soros-funded prosecutor also had charged him with felonies related to the charity — with evidence — and only dropped the charges when he agreed to resign. The MEC slapped Greitens with the largest civil fine ever ($178,000) for a candidate over failure to report in-kind donations. Not only was it not “exoneration,” it wasn’t even related to the sex- or charity-related criminal charges. It’s great what a little magic can do. ast week, reitens filed with the state, announcing his intention to run for no o ce in particular in 2024. I’m not sure that’s even a thing, and Elad Gross, candidate for the Democratic nomination for attorney general, smartly has filed a brief contesting its legality. Meanwhile, we Muggles will just have to wait to see what Greitens plans to do in 2024. But we already know his campaign slogan: “Obliviate.” n Ray Hartmann founded the Riverfront Times in 1977. Contact him at rhartmann@sbcglobal.net or catch him on St. Louis In the Know With Ray Hartmann and Jay Kanzler from 9 to 11 p.m. Monday thru Friday on KTRS (550 AM).

NEWS

‘I Am Halfway from Being Crazy’ First the pandemic, then the protests. A young mother locks her doors Written by

JEANNETTE COOPERMAN This story is part of the 63106 Project and produced in partnership with the Pulitzer Center. Additional support provided by the St. Louis Press Club.

quinting to read an ingredients label at the grocery store, Courtnesha Rogers breaks down. Tears stream down her face and blur the print. he stands there, sni ing it all back, trying to pull herself together as other shoppers perhaps concerned about COVID-19 make a wide detour around her. Her friend’s death would have been easier to take if it were COVID-19, she thinks. Two days ago, Marcia, a close friend since high school, was in a car with some guy she was probably head over heels in love with. Then, for some reason Rogers is sure had nothing to do with Marcia, bullets strafed the car. The guy is in critical condition. Marcia is dead. Rogers hasn’t yet told her kids why she keeps crying, or why she’s been pulling up photos of Marcia — always laughing, even when it was wildly inappropriate, and sweet and so, so beautiful. “More beauty than brains,” Rogers would tease her, when those giggles erupted at the worst possible time. Nobody hated that girl. She never even argued; if she got mad, she was so emotional, she’d just burst into tears. It’s only been two days, and the shock hasn’t lifted yet. Rogers keeps thinking she could call and Marcia would answer. She’ll reach for her phone to send a text, then feel a rock sink inside her belly, because she knows Marcia

Courtnesha Rogers with her children (from left) Angelino, two, and four-year-olds Angele and Angelo. Rogers is eager for them to start school again, but wonders about the measures that will be taken to keep them safe. | WILEY PRICE/ST. LOUIS AMERICAN isn’t going to text back. At least she didn’t have kids, so that’s a little less grief to weigh on the world. Rogers pulls her eldest ngelo, nearly five years old, “the wild wind,” bright with energy — against her hip, then loops her arm around her solemn, reserved little girl, Angele, also four. The baby, Angelino, two, is burbling in his own happy world, oblivious. She is desperate to keep these This is the second chapter in the story of Courtnesha Rogers, a 24-year-old, single mother of three who is coping with the pandemic in a neighborhood plagued by chronic illness and much shorter life spans than those in predominantly white neighborhoods. Since March, Rogers has had to put her education and career aspirations on hold while she cares for her children 24/7 in her apartment in Old North. Before Ferguson Beyond Ferguson, a nonprofit racial equity storytelling project, is telling the story of families in 63106 one by one over the course of the pandemic. You can sign up for email notification of future stories and find an archive of other stories that have appeared in St. Louis media at beforefergusonbeyondferguson.com.

kids safe. She thinks of the protesters she’s heard yelling that the police gassed their baby. Why would you take your baby to a protest? The police can’t see a baby in those crowds. “I’m gonna stay off social media,” she tells me. She’s home now, the groceries unpacked, and we’re speaking by phone. “I’ve spoken my points. I’m with the civilized protesting, but I feel like the rioting is ridiculous. The looting is ridiculous. And me being black, I was just called a coon for saying so.” She has to define it for me ’ve heard of the word as a white racist’s slur, but now, she says, it’s “a black person that doesn’t like black people.” Which couldn’t be further from the truth. “We are protesting for black rights, but in my city, they are vandalizing black-owned stores! And I’m trying to go to the grocery store and they are burning stores. Things are going on downtown because they believe this is where city money is. Just go to the police department! That’s who you’re mad at! Why are all these other businesses put in jeopardy? Just because you have a business does not mean you can afford to have

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it insured.” The rioters and looters aren’t all black, she adds. She’s seen other people of color and plenty of Caucasians in that mix, too. “I’ve also seen protests where white people stood with the black people, and that was really cool. And it was peaceful.” Still, she doesn’t trust that blacks and whites can live side by side. “I lived in south St. Louis, and there were a lotta, lotta Mexican people. The Mexicans don’t bother no one. They always knew how to help you do something. But black and white neighborhoods? Maybe not. As we just seen, a black man joggin’ and he gets shot. We can’t do nothing. We can’t jog. This is not ending.” And meanwhile, she’s lost her friend. “And my community does not organize a protest when there is black-on-black violence. When another black mother is killed in front of her kids. Just two weeks ago, a girl got killed. Why don’t we stand and protest and go crazy against these things, too?” Sure, she knows black people in the community who work to end that sort of violence, too, but their

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efforts never go this public. “I say let’s end all the violence,” Rogers says. “Let’s protest for all of this at one time.” She pauses. “I think we do need the protests, but right now we are acting out of anger instead of just thinking about the situation. We are in our first reaction, and this is not going to change anything.” We talk about the cities where police o cers, even police chiefs, have stood with the protesters. “But our city is not like that,” Rogers says. “And we have a lot of bad undercover cops as well. What I’m trying to do is save every penny I’ve got just to get away. The only place I’d feel safe living here is adue or hesterfield. Meanwhile, she’s decided “it’s just best to stay out the way.” President Trump is talking about looting and shooting: “He’s looking at it like a war, and right now he just wants to kill everyone.” Rogers is still keeping close to home, nervous about the city reopening when a pandemic still rages. “Just stay in the house and catch up on whatever you need to catch up on,” she says. “Go learn how to knit a sweater.” When she learned that her daycare will reopen in July and the St. Louis Public Schools in August, she was both relieved and wary: “If my kids are required to get vaccinated, I’m gonna homeschool them,” she says. (She won’t need to worry anytime soon; a COVID-19 vaccine is not expected to materialize by fall.) But for now she’s in a holding pattern, and the kids miss their friends, and they miss getting out. “Yesterday it was such a nice day,” she says wistfully, “and I tried to take them to the park. They have opened stores, but the parks are still wrapped up with police tape. So we are just staying home.” Her tone is resigned, but when we talked several weeks ago, Rogers was at her wits’ end with those cooped-up toddlers. “They’re going crazy!” she exclaimed. “They are tired of being in the house, and we are running out of activities. I was like, ‘Hey, guys, you want to walk to the store?’ and they said, ‘Walk? We want to get in the car!’ and I’m like, ‘Well, the car is kind of broken.’” She’d just bought it, a 2009 Cadillac CTS, spending her entire tax refund. “I wanted to get a reliable car that could get me around and I don’t need to worry about it for four or five years, because al-

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ways end up with a car that something is wrong with it.” The kids were overjoyed. “We walked everywhere in the winter and it’d be real cold, and their heads would be so cold, and I was pushing the stroller through the snow.” The old Caddy gave joyride a new definition they’d clamber inside for any errand. Then, late one night apparently, the car and a neighbor’s car got hit. When Rogers went outside the next day, her eyes went straight to a raw scratch. Then she saw her neighbor’s car with its headlights knocked out. “My tire rod is, like, bent in,” she tells me with a sigh. “It’s not even drivable. And the shop, they want $700, and that’s going to be kind of hard for me to afford. Plus I’m trying to move, because some lady moved downstairs and she brought bugs. Roaches! She’s collecting cans and I guess turning them in for cash. I’ve been here a whole year and never seen more than an ant come through the window. Now there’s a really bad smell coming from down there my kids cover their noses when they go down the steps and say, ‘Mom, it stinks so bad!’” Rogers packed up her whole home in boxes, because it had to get bombed and because she just might move. Her lease was up in a few weeks, and if this was going to be an ongoing problem … But then her car had to go to the shop, so she couldn’t get to the apartments she wanted to see. The bus just doesn’t go everywhere, and no way is she going to rent a place sight unseen. She did that once, and it was a disaster. She’d meant to use this time to try to get back on Medicaid, so she could stop paying hundreds of dollars for Angelino’s asthma medicine. And she was supposed to be starting college online. But between the pandemic, the car, the bills, the roaches, three stircrazy children and the apartment hunting, everything else is slipping away. We talked again the following week, on May 14. “I’m OK,” she says, “just really tired.” I can hear it in her voice, which is usually bubbly and animated. Today there’s an anchor weighing each word. “The kids have been up all night. I have no idea how they have that energy! I’m going to have to switch out their diet or something, because it’s just he breaks off to say firmly to the kids, , we are not fighting. We cannot hit each other. We need to pick up all the toys, please.” She returns to the

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This is the only photo Rogers (at right) still has of Marcia. | COURTESY COURTNESHA ROGERS phone. “Everybody’s sleep schedule is off. I try to take a nap but …” Anybody with little kids knows how that goes. “And they miss their friends.” She misses hers, too, but kicking back for a long chat would be a luxury. “My friends call, and it’s hard to explain that I really can’t talk now. They feel like, ‘Everything’s closed, so why can’t you talk?’ I don’t want them to feel like I’m abandoning them, but sometimes I don’t even have time to talk to myself. I don’t even have time to find myself. When I ask about the car, her mood lifts instantly. t’s fixed And I was going to move, but I don’t know now. My leasing office had the other woman’s place exterminated, too, so for the past week, I haven’t seen any bugs. It’s been back to normal. So I’m debating if I’m going to unpack. I have two weeks before I’m stuck in my lease for another year.” She’s matter-of-fact about it, but then her voice tightens: “A situation happened yesterday right down the street. A seven-year-old boy was shot, and a twelve-yearold was also shot. The kids were burglarizing a home. I guess the homeowner was rehabbing and he heard some things in the back. I don’t know if he panicked or didn’t know. The kids were not killed, they were injured. A lot of people are mad at the homeowner. But living around here, I know that the kids are very hard to handle.” This, it turns out, is the deeper reason she wants to move. “But I kind of feel like I’m just stuck right now. That just looks like the plan of me being stuck.” She did manage to get through

by phone to try to reinstate her Medicaid coverage, though; she’s waiting to hear back about the next step. “And I cooked a good meal for Mother’s Day,” she says, “Italian chicken and green beans and sweet potatoes.” Food is one of the few solaces these days. Angelo’s fifth birthday is coming up, so she’s going to “barbecue and get him a really nice cake,” not take him out anywhere. “I’m hearing the schools might open in August,” she says, “but I don’t really feel it’s safe. They used to come home with colds so easily. When they are at home they are way more healthy.” On the other hand, she adds, “I am halfway from being crazy. I’m used to them being in school the whole day, and this is taking me back to newborn days. I wasn’t ready for that!” It would be different if they could go out and play, “but I’m more afraid of the children in this neighborhood than the adults. They just carry so much violence within themselves.” She’s thought about why: “The parents aren’t in tune with them. Some of the families are on drugs, and others are working a lot and can’t keep things stable. A lot of the kids turn to the streets for love. I don’t allow my kids to play with other kids in the neighborhood or go outside without me. Kids will come and say, ‘Can they come out?’ and I’ll say, ‘Oh, maybe later.’ Because these are the same kids I see running up and down the streets cursin’ and fighting. She is still thinking about moving. “Just moving up in life in general, she adds, finding more income and getting it together.” Moving is a metaphor as well as a goal. “I just don’t want to live this life too much longer.” I ask how she thinks her life might be different if she’d grown up white. “I think I would get through the door easily,” she says. “Being black already comes with a name, ‘ghetto.’ Unintelligent. If I were a white woman with three kids, I don’t think I’d get a backlash. A black person is just automatically a stereotype. No one wants to sell you a house. Black people get turned down for anything.” And sometimes they get shot for no good reason. Or they get hurt protesting somebody else getting shot. Or they get sick. “If you’re not staying inside right now, I don’t know what to tell you,” Rogers says. “I’m scared to be in the house, even. You can’t call the police, because they’re so busy they can’t even come and help you. If you make it through all this, you are blessed.” n

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All is not lost, if you follow our tips By RFT Staff

Illustrations by Noah MacMillan

his was not the summer we asked for, but it’s what we’ve got.

Instead of bitching about missed afternoons in the stands at Busch Stadium or your canceled trips to three-day music festivals, it is time to make plans for what you can do to squeeze a little enjoyment out of this hellscape of a year. To help, we’ve put together a bunch of tips, including how to build your own pool, fix up that rusty bike and make a two-ingredient cocktail appropriate for 2020. The goal is to reclaim a little space for yourself. We’re all dealing with a lot: Your job, if you are lucky enough to still have it, is most likely a nightmare version of what it was before, a pandemic continues to rage through the country and the United States seems like it’s finally headed for a reckoning on inequality that is fiery and messy and long overdue. There is work to be done, but don’t underestimate the weight of it all. Find a way to do something fun, even if it’s just a pass or two through a sprinkler on a hot afternoon. Summer isn’t canceled, it’s just not what we expected. — Riverfront Times staff

Protest Most of this list is for relaxing and relieving stress, but this country is in a rare moment when the masses can actually force the powers that be to revamp or dump and replace some bullshit systems. Not everyone can march in the streets, but thousands in St. Louis and hundreds of thousands across the nation are taking a calculated risk to show up en masse to demand change. They see staying silent as even more dangerous in the long term than the coronavirus. If you join them, wear a mask, do what you can to protect yourself and others, and keep your eyes on making the United States a better, more just country for everyone.

Build your own pool For the fun of it, let’s say you’re

pretty rich but not a planner. The creeping heat of summer has sneaked up on you, and you’d like to find a little relief in the form of a cool dip in a pool. But you don’t want to swim in the plaguey waters of a communal pool, and you don’t already have a pool because, as discussed, you’re not a planner. You’re already screwed. Even for a wealthy person, like yourself, it’s going to take a construction crew two or three months to build you a personal swimming hole. That’s a lot of miserable summer to endure. But let’s say you’re a regular dude, not too pretentious, not too concerned about what the neighbors think. Good news: You can be floating by Friday. The solution is a backyard hay-bale pool. Affordable and well within a layman’s skillset, the hay bale pool can be assembled and filled in an afternoon. Make it as big as you want — maybe four

hay bales long and three wide. Double stack them if you want it a couple feet deeper. Here’s how you do it: Arrange the bales (about $7.50 each from Lowe’s and roughly half that if you know farmers) in a rectangle and drape with heavy-duty plastic sheeting ($15-$20), making sure to leave enough slack to press it against the interior walls and tuck under the bales on the exterior. Cinch it all together with a rope ($10, with plenty of leftover rope) around the perimeter and fill it with water. Enjoy with an ice-cold PBR and jorts.

Embrace the sprinkler life Buy or borrow one. Hook it to a hose somewhere. Run through it like a little kid.

Hike your city The outdoors are one of the few pleasures that social distancing left us. If you’ve got access to forests and trees, by all means, go for it. But there are plenty of adventures to be had without leaving the city, and walking the metro from one end to the other is one. Map out your route ahead of time. Think through-roads with landmarks, changing neighborhoods and maybe a midway spot to buy lunch. If you do it with a partner, you can park one car at the end for the ride home. Alternatively, walk to a public transit stop or choose a circular route. Average walking speed is three to four miles per hour, so plan accordingly. And then start walking. If you’ve never truly walked your

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city, it’s eye-opening. You will see things you never noticed speeding past in a car or bus. The neighborhoods will roll out in front of you like changing landscapes. Climb staircase mountains, wander through downtown canyons and watch the street lights awaken like a starry night.

Become a porch musician superfan Who knows when concerts will return to normal? Everything from outdoor festivals to DIY punk shows have gone quiet. Into that depressing silence has stepped the porch musician. More of a loner than the muchcelebrated garage bands of Gen X rom-coms, the porch musician nonetheless has emerged as one of the heroes of pandemic lockdowns. And lucky you, there is probably one within walking distance. Get to know that hopeful performer. Learn their show schedule and start going to every concert. Tell your friends. Make a fan page. Post setlists. Create some merch. Until live music is back for real, this is your new favorite artist.

Walking happy hour Sure, we’ve gotten pretty good at drinking at home. Our booze order is dialed in. We’ve experimented with fancy cocktail making out of boredom and returned to the standards out of fatigue and necessity. And we’ve realized the Zoom happy hour is about as glitchy and awkward as the

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SUMMER GUIDE Continued from pg 13

Zoom business meeting. So it’s time to reclaim a bit of the social element of drinking. If you’re not quite ready for the bars again, the walking happy hour is a pleasant alternative. It is as simple as it sounds. Open a beer or pour a drink and start walking around your neighborhood. You’re out of the apartment, enjoying the fresh air, chatting with neighbors. It feels sort of healthy. Feel free to put your drink in a thermos or opaque plastic cup if you’re worried about legalities, but are open container laws even a thing anymore? We’ve all got more important things to worry about.

Get to know your neighbors Even if you do manage to get out a bit this summer, chances are the ongoing threat of COVID-19 will have you hanging around your own home more than you might have in summers past. Perhaps it’s time to get to know the neighbors better! A camera with a long lens or a pair of binoculars will help a lot with this one. Post up at your, ahem, rear window and really familiarize yourself with those who dwell in your neighborhood. Wow, the lady across the street sure can dance! And that fella down the way is really quite an amazing pianist; it’s beautiful to hear him play. Gosh, somebody should do something about that dog over there though — always digging away at the garden. Wait a minute, was that somebody screaming?

Get into the caves It’s a known fact that an underground network of caves, used by beer companies to store their products back in the day, lies beneath the surface of south St. Louis. But few citizens are quite sure how to get into them. Maybe you’ll be the one to crack the code! Shove your body into some sewer drains and get to exploring.

Bring the beach to you For decades now, the music of the Beach Boys has been synonymous with summer — practically its o cial soundtrack. o who would better know how to celebrate the season than the band’s founder, genius composer Brian Wilson? Take some cues from his approach during his recording

Some day, you’ll be asked what you did during this season of protest. Think about how you’ll answer. | THEO WELLING sessions in the mid-‘60s. Bring the beach to you by filling your living room with sand. Purchase thousands of dollars’ worth of marijuana and LSD. Blast “Good Vibrations” on repeat. Descend steadily into madness. Your friends might express concern, but at least you’ll have a smile on your face.

Wander around in some abandoned buildings St. Louis has no shortage of collapsing buildings — schools, churches, malls — and nothing says “social distancing during a pandemic” like the nearpost-apocalyptic feeling you get while wandering around inside them. Just make sure to follow proper urban explorer etiquette: Don’t take anything, don’t break anything, and for the love of all that is healthy, watch your step.

Dig a hole

You ever just dig a hole just for the sake of digging? Likely not, because what purpose would that serve, right? Well there’s no better time than now to find out the answer to that question. Pull out a shovel, head to the backyard, and get some earth moving. Don’t bother calling Dig-Rite to check for utility lines or anything — those killjoys will probably poo-poo the idea, and you’ll find those lines on your own anyway. Don’t stop until you hit

magma. Please report back with your findings.

Befriend a murder of crows

As anyone who has seen the 1994 cult classic The Crow can attest, crows are, like, really cool, and good to have around as friends, given that they have the ability to raise you from the dead and also peck out the eyes of your enemies. On top of that, they are intelligent creatures who are able to recognize and remember human faces, and if you feed them, they are even likely to bring you gifts. Shiny rocks, coins and pieces of metal are often the form these gifts take, though if you could somehow convince them that paper money is your jam, you’d have yourself one hell of a racket going. What we’re saying here is: Spread some birdseed on the ground near your home, then start shouting “caw” sounds while rubbing cash all over your body. f the birds find you before the mental health professionals do, you’re in business.

Create your own quarantine cocktail “Quarantinis” have become a popular trend for drunks spending more time in their homes this year, and there’s no reason for that trend to stop now that the weather has gotten nice. A unique twist on a mojito or a mai tai would make for a delicious

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summer beverage, but there are endless ways to flex your creativity in the world of mixology. Just to get your creative juices flowing and your mouth watering), we thought we’d share our favorite homemade cocktail, the “2020-tini.” Step one: Get a rocks glass and some of your favorite whiskey we like Evan Williams, but anything brown should get the job done). Step two: Fill that rocks glass up to about oneeighth of an inch from the top. Step three: Add ice — in order to do this without overflowing, you’ll want to drink enough of the beverage for said ice to fit. It should be noted that ice is optional, though. And you’re done! Pairs best with a second 2020-tini held in your other hand.

Build a guillotine Now that the weather is nice, it’s a great time to get started on some projects around the house. Why not, for example, build a guillotine? A marvel of engineering that is nevertheless within the crafting capabilities of your average Joe, a guillotine is a device that has many purposes, from slicing baguette sandwiches in half, as St. Louis’ own Earthbound Beer did recently for a Bastille Day celebration, or also for, er, very effectively registering one’s dissatisfaction with a ruling elite, as the people of eighteenth-century France learned shortly after the actions that led

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SUMMER GUIDE Continued from pg 15

to the celebration of Bastille Day in the first place. est of all, the approximate cost to build one, according to a quick oogle search, is , the exact amount of money each merican was given in a round of stimulus checks distributed earlier this year. With the government currently considering a second round of similar checks, even those that had to spend the first on things like food and rent will have a second opportunity. Thanks, government

See how the other side lives

Ever wondered what it’s like to live in a house with a bowling alley ere in t. ouis, many of the folks who can afford such luxuries live in adue, and their multi million dollar mansions can be seen from the street by even the brokest of alt weekly reporters. f you have a motori ed mode of two wheeled transport, that’d be best the roadways are smooth as butter in adue, unsurprisingly , but if not, any twenty plus year old car with a wi ard spray painted on the hood should do just fine. oad up and point your vehicle to the intersection of adue oad and Warson oad, traveling south, and be prepared to be gobsmacked by the palatial residences those citi ens of adue can afford. When you’re done, head back to the shithole you rent and consider your life choices, preferably with a tini in hand.

Learn an instrument pecifically, learn to play the double contrabass flute, a fifteen foot long mass of twisted metal tubing that retails for , . Why the double contrabass flute ecause there are enough guitarists in the world, obviously. t’s time to think outside the box.

Take a drive out to Rollahenge o here’s the deal There is a half si e tonehenge in olla, and you can totally go visit that thing and get down with your inner ruid. ocated on the campus of the Missouri niversity of cience and Technology, this monument was born in the summer of and has been quietly keeping time ever since. ts precisely placed trilithons frame both the winter and the summer solstice, and when used as a clock ollahenge claims to be

able to keep time to within fifteen seconds. o and check it out to remind yourself that time marches on and this, too, shall pass.

Clean out your basement eck, clean out everything. The summer is the perfect time to hide away from the heat in your cool basement and get some serious work done. ecluttering has been all the rage lately, and while you’re stuck at home you might as well improve your home and make it a space that you don’t mind being stuck in as much during this weird time. leaning out the stuff you don’t need makes more room for canned goods or flashlights or whatever survival things you’ve been thinking about hoarding in advance of the second wave of coronavirus. nd if you’re looking to find a good home for all of the stuff you don’t need anymore without sending it to a landfill , your local freecycle organi ations can be a great place to unload a ton of stuff without the accompanying guilt.

Finish those home projects ow is the time to finish the projects that you never had time to finish before when you were super busy and doing things like going to work and visiting the grocery store without a panic attack. ince you’ve spent so much time at home by now, you know what needs to be done and you know which issues you can keep ignoring. f you fix that dripping sink or spend some time recaulking the tub, you’ll feel accomplished and be proud of what you’ve done for yourself during these strange times. on’t forget to do those beautifying chores, too. ow is the perfect time to sand and repaint your front door or install some new decorative bookshelves. f your home is welcoming, you won’t feel as tortured while stuck in isolation.

Build up your garden ou can get fresh air and sunshine this summer without going to a ardinals game. f you’re lucky enough to have a little land to call your own, this is the summer to start a garden or get one set up for next year. nd while flowers are pretty and often contribute to happiness, you’ll feel like the king of the world if you build out and grow a robust food garden. ow that we’re all slowing

There’s no better time to perfect your meat-smoking techniques. | MABEL SUEN

Learn to BBQ like a pro

lex upp has heard all the excuses when he talks to his customers about smoking meats. don’t have the right grill, some will say. don’t have a good rub, or ’m not sure how to even start, others lament. o matter the particulars, it’s all some version of the same story Most people fear they lack what it takes to barbecue. This summer, upp is urging people to throw those excuses out the window. e fearless, upp says. This is the summer of trying new things on your grill, because you can grill anything. This is the summer to go all out. uy a tomahawk steak do something outrageous that you are going to talk about for years to come. This is definitely the year to do it, because everyone has the time. upp’s restaurant, the tellar og, may be putting out some of the best barbecue in town, but he is the first one to admit he doesn’t have a monopoly on talent when it comes to smoking meats. n fact, during this summer when people are opting to stay out of dining rooms and cook for themselves due to the outbreak, he’s urging folks to tap into their inner pitmasters to pull off epic backyard barbecues, even if it means giving away some of his secrets. onestly, ’m pretty open with everything do because the process is so painstaking, upp says. f you’re willing to do it and put sixteen hours into it, awesome. ou deserve to have a fantastic piece of meat. upp is adamant that everyone has what it takes to cook outstanding barbecue. They just need to get down a few fundamentals to help them along

the way. e urges people to begin with thinking about what you want to cook enough in advance so you can properly source a quality piece of meat the most important variable in the process. good local butcher or even going directly to a reputable farm are good starts, he says. roper seasoning is the next step. Though people often dismay at the fact they don’t have a perfect, signature rub, upp insists salt and pepper is all you need. eason the hell out of a big piece, he says. When it comes to the actual cooking, upp suggests that aspiring barbecue cooks get to know their grill and how to build a flame. For large cuts, you want a small flame for smaller ones, you’ll need a higher one. nd if you are worried about burning a large piece of meat, upp has no problem with the oft cited taboo of pulling it off the grill and finishing it in the oven. ou’re still going to get a killer product. The biggest piece of advice upp has, however, has nothing to do with methods, sourcing or flame building. e open to trying new things, he insists. ne of his biggest peeves is when people try to tell people there is a right and wrong way to barbecue, or that one style is superior to another. e open to playing around, to trying new things, and don’t stick to the same method, upp says. f you do something you like, figure out why you liked it and try using that application with different seasonings in a different style. eople will try to tell you there is only one way of doing things, but don’t think that’s true. ust try something. f it tastes delicious, then you’ve succeeded.

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down a bit and taking the time to appreciate where and how we get food, there is no greater feeling than planting a seed, tending to it and then later pulling your own homegrown food out of the ground. Lettuce, herbs and root vegetables are all pretty easy to grow, making them the perfect items to start in your brand-new garden. If it’s already too late in the year to grow your favorite fruits or veggies, you can still spend some time building your raised beds and getting your soil ready for next year when you become a SuperGardener.

Go back in time with a riverboat ride If you like learning about St. Louis’ history as a trade center (or if you just want to spend the weirdest summer ever with the wind in your hair), look into hopping on a boat cruise on the Mississippi River. Most of the St. Louis riverfront cruises that leave from the Gateway Arch are narrated by a National Park Service ranger, so you can gain knowledge while rollin’ on the river. The hour-long cruises just recently started up again, and they now feature many precautions to help you and your family feel safe. Visitors age nine and older must wear face coverings, and they’ve rearranged seating to allow for social distancing. They’ve even installed hand-sanitizing stations and do hourly cleaning of the public areas.

Become a trained storm spotter There are few things more thrilling than a Midwest summer storm. And with a little extra time on your hands this summer, you can devote a couple of hours to becoming a trained storm spotter for the National Weather Service. After you’ve attended just one two-hour class, the NWS will take your reports more seriously than the silly amateur next door. They’ll teach you the basics of thunderstorm development and storm structure. These classes are multimedia experiences and make you feel like you’re just watching an action-packed documentary. After learning how to categorize and anticipate storms, you’re deputized to send helpful information to the NWS whenever you’d like. For more information about classes and availabil-

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The pandemic persuaded many to become their own food supply chain. As a bonus, it’s relaxing to spend time in the garden. | DOYLE MURPHY ity, start at STLSkyWarn.org.

Visit the crown jewel of St. Louis You could spend your entire summer in Forest Park and never get bored. Chances are you’ve visited it before to check out the Saint Louis Zoo or the Saint Louis Art Museum (both are free!), but there is so much to explore in this 1,326-acre park. The park holds more than just attractions like the Missouri History Museum and the Saint Louis Science Center — it also contains beautiful fountains, ponds, lakes, wetlands and restored prairie space. There is the Boathouse, the golf course, a forest, the gorgeous Jewel Box, Pagoda Circle and the Muny. In addition to numerous walking paths and secluded spots to enjoy nature, the park also includes a bike path winding throughout.

Fix up your bike (so you can ride it) There are no more excuses — you have literally nothing better going on: It’s time for you to dig that rusty old bike out of your garage for a tune-up. First, give it a good cleaning, using degreaser on the chain and jockey wheels and checking to make sure your chain is in good shape. Next, pull the brake levers to make sure the brake pads are working, and rotate wheels to make sure they aren’t hitting the pads; if it takes a lot of force to make the brakes work, use an Allen key and pull

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the cable to tighten things up. Flip your bike upside down and give the wheels a spin, checking for any wobbliness you can fix this by using a spoke wrench to increase or decrease the tension of the spokes. If you’re really feeling handy, you can even take off your pedals and ball bearings to lube everything up. Make sure all your gears are working, pump up your tires and hit the road.

Bike the country’s longest recreational bike trail

There are plenty of great places to go for a spin in St. Louis. One of the best spots is the Katy Trail, where you can either dig in for a hard workout or take a leisurely ride with the kids. With 240 miles of path, the Katy Trail begins in the St. Louis area along the Missouri River and stretches west across most of Missouri, running through Columbia to Jefferson City and on through to Clinton. Though it’s also a favorite spot of hikers and joggers, the path’s surface is hard and flat crushed limestone, making it a smooth ride for bikers. And you can teach the kids some history as you ride along — portions of the trail are also part of the American Discovery Trail and the Lewis and Clark National Historic Trail.

Learn how to cook St. Louis classics If you’re stuck at home with nothing to do and plenty of time to ex-

periment, now is the time to work on your cooking game. And since you might not feel comfortable visiting some of your favorite local restaurants for a bit, learning how to cook those classic St. Louis recipes is a must. From toasted ravioli to St. Louis-style thin-crust pizza, this will be the most delicious experiment you’ve ever tried, and your family will be happy to taste test your latest concoction. Everybody wants to have a go-to dish to bring to barbeques next summer (when we’ll all hopefully be outdoors in large groups sweating our asses off, as we do most summers), so why not get your gooey-butter-cake recipe just right? With a little time and a little work in the kitchen, you could be a St. Louis-style hero.

Make a relaxing outdoor space Nature has been our salvation during this entire pandemic. It’s pretty, it’s peaceful, and if you go just a bit into the woods, you’re not likely to find other humans or their cooties. But since you can’t spend every day wandering a state park, it’s wise to set aside a little bit of outdoor space as your own relaxing little nature preserve. Take an unused corner of your yard and add some flowers, a hammock or a little fountain. Spending just ten minutes a day there will do wonders for your worries. If you seek a clear mind and relaxed shoulder muscles, slip away to your outdoor oasis where the birds are singing

St. Louis has no shortage of empty buildings to wander around in. | DOYLE MURPHY and the sirens sound far away.

Learn how to build a fire This is a great skill to have not just for a low-key, socially distant backyard bonfire but also in case civilization collapses — and let’s face it, that feels more and more like a possibility each day. , first things first is to pick a site that’s far away from trees or your house, because you don’t want to burn your neighborhood down. Next, lay down some tinder. Dry leaves work, as do old issues of the RFT (beat you to the joke, suckers). Add your kindling, like dry branches and twigs. Then you’ll need some firewood look for dry branches about the size of your arm. Start creating a teepee of kindling, and then encase that in a teepee made from the bigger logs, leaving a bit of an opening. ext, light the tinder on fire with a lighter or match. Voila — add larger logs as they burn to keep it roaring. Be sure to keep water on hand to use to extinguish it when you’re done, sprinkling to put out all the embers.

Exercise! When quarantine started back in March, you thought you were going to come out of it a better person. You had big plans: You were going to read all those books you never even opened, bake sourdough bread and get ripped. But to the surprise of absolutely no one, you accomplished jack shit. All you read is Twitter, all you eat is frozen pizza, and all you do is sit on your ass. Look, don’t beat yourself up about it — just staying sane with the modern-day equivalents of the 1918 Spanish Flu, 1929 market crash and the 1968 summer of

civil unrest all happening at the same damn time is kind of a tall order. But you should reconsider the not-exercising thing. As many of us all know but choose to forget, exercise can relieve stress and reduce anxiety. Hell, some people even get high from the release of endorphins after a good workout. Start small, going for a twentyminute jog or doing some crunches, and if summoning the energy is hard for you, consider getting it over with earlier in the day while your energy levels are highest. Trust us, you’ll feel a lot better.

Take in a drive-in movie Movie theaters are closed due to you-know-who, but you can catch a movie from the safety of your car at old-school drive-in theaters. Skyview across the river in Belleville is a classic choice with plenty of retro charm, and the operators of the Powerplex youth sports complex at the old St. Louis Outlet Mall in Hazelwood have started booking parking-lot events with live concerts and movies through the summer. See? Not everything is terrible.

Be handy Now would also be a great time to bust out those tools in your basement and make some home improvements. These can be as simple as deep-cleaning your vents, reorganizing your closet, rearranging your furniture or touching up your walls with a fresh coat of paint. If you’re feeling really handy, try taking on a more ambitious project. Some relatively easy things you could try building are a bookshelf, a spice rack, a wine bottle holder or planters for your victory garden. n

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SHORT ORDERS

Cool in a Crisis Laid off because of COVID-19, Hannah Kerne knows food is in her future Written by

CHERYL BAEHR

s someone with a background in U.S.-China crisis public relations related to international trade, Hannah Kerne is used to dealing with constant upheaval. Still, having her professional life turned upside down by the COVID-19 pandemic has been jarring. “At the beginning of COVID, had five jobs, erne says. was working at Vicia, consulting for the Whittle School & Studios, consulting for another company and teaching cycling at Trufusion and Lifetime Fitness. I lost four jobs at once. Kerne does not bring up the dramatic changes in her professional life to invoke pity, but rather as a way to illustrate just how varied her work is and her compulsion to keep busy. Though she’s made a name for herself in St. Louis as the assistant pastry chef at Vicia (4260 Forest Park Avenue, 314-553-9239), Kerne first came to t. ouis from her native Louisiana as a student at Saint Louis University. There, she studied economics, political science and Mandarin, all of which she put to use after graduation working for Teach for China. Kerne spent three years working in a small village, developing curriculum for the program. Those experiences led to a job in Washington, D.C. doing public policy and crisis PR in international trade, focused on China. Under the Obama administration, much of her job centered around improving U.S.-China relations, but things changed dramatically when the subsequent administration took over. Kerne found herself in need of a change, and when a job in Chicago failed to come through, she felt like it was a sign that she

Hannah Kerne, who worked as assistant pastry chef at Vicia, is not letting her passion for food fade during the COVID-19 crisis. | ANDY PAULISSEN should take a leap and pursue the one thing that had always given her fulfillment more than anything else: food. “Food has always been my passion, erne explains. There are home cooks, and there is the type of home cook I was. It was insane. I spent ten years out of my home, running experiments and testing variables. I made 100 different types of chocolate chip cookies in one year because I was obsessed with testing the variability of it. It got to the point where my company was paying me to make desserts for everyone. It was a person firm, and would have meetings with everyone, asking, them what their essence was for the year and then bake accordingly. Kerne made the decision to pursue professional cooking in St. Louis and reached out to two

of the top chefs in town, Michael Gallina and Ben Poremba, to beg for an opportunity. To her surprise, Poremba responded. “I sent a very passionate note saying that will do anything, Kerne recalls. “I said that I am extremely hardworking and that they could trust someone with a background in crisis PR to be able to withstand pressure. I took bucket showers and slept on a cot for two years. Try me. Kerne recalls being shocked at her meeting with Poremba when he told her he would not only give her a chance, he wanted to put her on the line at his restaurant, the Benevolent King, that very night. Anxious but ready for the challenge, she showed up, spent the night frying falafel balls and earned a permanent spot on the kitchen team. Eventually, Kerne was hired at

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Vicia, where her passion for pastry became even more evident. She became the restaurant’s assistant pastry chef and relished her time in the kitchen up until she was laid off with the rest of the staff due to the COVID-19 outbreak. She hasn’t let it get her down, though. In fact, she’s been busy consulting for an education program and helped organize the successful Bakers for Black Lives event, which raised money for local racial justice organizations, as she figures out what happens next. At this point, Kerne says she has no idea whether she will go back to her old pastry job, because the industry has changed so much. he would love to find something that combines all of her skills — education, food and international relations. She feels like she’s building to that, though

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HANNAH KERNE Continued from pg 23

she doesn’t know quite how. One thing she knows is that, no matter what path her professional like takes, it will always lead to food. “Food is my number one passion,” Kerne says. “There is nothing in this world that I do more effortlessly. I never don’t want to cook. Even when I was working at Vicia, I’d come home and cook or cook on my days off. I’ve never been able to stop. It’s everything to me. Two years ago, when I made this change, my commitment to myself was that I am only going to do things I love. f it doesn’t set my soul on fire, I’m going to say no to it.” Kerne took a moment to share what she’s been up to during the COVID-19 crisis, how she maintains a sense of normalcy and what gives her hope in such fraught times. As a hospitality professional, what do people need to know about what you are going through? I’m all right, actually. I’m doing remote PR consulting for an amazing Brooklyn-based education startup called Mesh Ed. I

started with five jobs icia, teaching cycling at Lifetime and TruFusion, and two PR consulting contracts in DC and NYC), and now I have one. I’m grateful to even have work right now. What do you miss most about your job? Social learning. I’m forever childlike in my curiosity to understand things, and I really miss learning techniques from my colleagues that you can’t learn online or from just reading. lus, the amazing produce. What do you miss least? Cleaning. Don’t tell Chef Aaron lol. I’m quite organized in terms of my internal processes e.g. ’m a master planner), but I have always struggled to stay clean in physical spaces — at home as well. Sometimes, I embarrassingly leave my fridge or cabinets open at home without realizing it and leave. What is one thing you make sure you do every day to maintain a sense of normalcy? Exercise — recently an obsession with mastering handstands! I’ve worked out daily since I was twelve. I’m quite ADD, so it’s the most e cient way to bring my squirrel brain back to earth. I’ve also always been quite milita-

ristic in my morning routines. wake up at a.m. no matter when I go to bed), have two hours of downtime before working, with a banana, peanut butter, blueberry smoothie coupled with reading news and coffee. I will literally go to the store in the morning if I don’t have those ingredients. What have you been stress-eating/drinking lately? Wine. My roommate and platonic lover, haron arter olite Society & Bellwether pastry chef ), and I cook daily together and have way too many late nights taking down bottles and laughing. What are the three things you’ve made sure you don’t want to run out of, other than toilet paper? Did I mention bananas, peanut butter and wine? You have to be quarantined with three people. Who would you pick? I’m so indecisive. For my intellectual self: author Zadie Smith, historian Yuval Harari or author and physician Siddhartha Mukherjee. For my food loving self: chef Yotam Ottolenghi, chef ancy ilverton or . enji pe Alt from Serious Eats; for my Buddhist self: meditation teach-

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er Tara rach go listen to her talks!) Once people can safely go back out and about, what’s the first thing you’ll do? Hug everyone! I am from Louisiana big huggers down south , so not being able to hug makes me feel like the universe is trying to put me in a straitjacket. What do you think the biggest change to the hospitality industry will be once people are comfortable returning to normal activity levels? I imagine there will be a large shift to more informal dining. I think COVID was a reminder of how much eating together fosters intimacy and connection; food is love. I already see restaurants shifting culturally to hold space for that. Less focus on highbrow food; better hospitality. What is one thing that gives you hope during this crisis? A quote comes to mind that I heard recently: “What are you unwilling or afraid to feel or acknowledge?” I think the world, myself included, is taking a good hard look at itself in terms of racism and our broken systems; illusions are dying. If we keep our eyes open and do the work, I think we could see a new paradigm. n

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SAVAGE LOVE ORAL REPORTS BY DAN SAVAGE Hey, Dan: I’m a 32-year-old straight guy. My wife and I have been married for four years and together for nine. We have a great marriage and all is well. We have been quarantining at home since March. During this time, we have been exploring things sexually, which has been really fun. We have also been talking more about our kinks and fantasies. One thing my wife really wants to try is an MMF threesome. I’ve agreed, and she’s been talking about how hot it will be to make this happen once quarantine is over. She is particularly turned on by the fact that this would be my first sexual experience with another guy. The only issue is, in reality, it won’t be. The truth is that when I was in high school, a guy friend and I fooled around a few times. I have no regrets, but those experiences only served to reaffirm that I preferred women. I never did anything with another guy, and I never felt the need to mention these early experiences to my wife. She just assumed I had never had a samesex encounter. Now I feel like I’ve misled her or lied to her somehow. Should I tell her the truth or just let her believe our MMF threesome would be my first time with a guy? Nervously Omitted Homosexual Occurrences, Mostly Oral If your wife reads my column, NOHOMO, then you’ve just told her the truth and the advice that follows is moot. So here’s hoping she doesn’t read my column: You don’t have to tell your wife about the handful/mouthful of times you messed around with another guy in high school. If you’re like most straight guys with one or two cocks in your past, NOHOMO, I’m guessing you didn’t tell the wife because you didn’t want her to feel insecure or spend all her free time corresponding with advice columnists about whether her husband is secretly gay. In fairness to the wife, NOHOMO, not every woman whose straightidentified male partner admits to a little same-sex messing around worries her boyfriend or husband is going to leave her for a dude or

all the dudes. But this worry is common enough to be something of a cliché. A straight guy doesn’t even have to admit to having sucked one dick one time for his wife or girlfriend to worry he’s secretly gay; I get at least one letter every day from a woman who’s worried her husband is gay because he likes to have his nipples played with or his butt touched or because he has feelings. So while it’s not ideal that straight-or-mostly-straight guys don’t feel they can be honest with their wives about their long ago and far away same-sex experimentation, NOHOMO, it’s understandable that many straight guys err on the side of keeping that shit to themselves. But your question isn’t, “Why didn’t I tell her then?”, but rather, “Should I tell her now?” And I don’t think you have to. She wasn’t harmed by this omission — you didn’t deprive her of information she was entitled to — and disclosing now would only serve to deprive her of something, i.e. the excitement she feels about being there to witness what she thinks is your first same sex encounter. Hey, Dan: My wife questions my use of the word “gay” as being potentially offensive, and I’d like to get your take. I’m male and my male friends like to flirt and joke about performing sex acts on each other. We’ve never actually carried through with it, but I consider myself on the “spectrum” and might be open to gay sex. My male friends and I say we’re being or acting gay (though we’re all practicing heterosexuals), and this is where my wife takes issue. For example, I might say, “We’re so gay!”, in our conversations, but the word is used in a positive way. My wife makes the point that the word has a history of being used negatively, so may be considered offensive, and should only be used casually by people who are more legit gay. Should I stop using the word gay this way? Gay Poser Jesus, just suck off one of your male friends already — just get it over with — and then you have my permission to keep using “gay” as compliment, GP. Hey, Dan: I’m a 35-year-old seemingly straight man, but in the past year — roughly corresponding

I read your letter three times and I still can’t tell whether you’re appalled or you’re jealous. with the longest sex drought in the history of my adulthood — I have had recurring wet dreams where I suck myself off. Probably a dozen or so of these dreams, all up, and I very much enjoy both sides of the transaction. What do you think it means? Am I witnessing the stirrings of some latent bisexuality or am I just desperate? Should I heed the call? Originally Unilateral Regarding Oral But Oneiromancy Reveals Opening Sexuality I usually don’t allow elaborate signoffs, OUROBOROS, but I’m making an exception for yours because it’s brilliant. (To save my other readers the trouble of googling: “oneiromancy” is the interpretation of dreams to predict the future and an “ouroboros” is an image of snake swallowing its own tail, often used an infinity symbol. That said, I’m not sure there’s really any call to heed here — other than a call to start doing the kind of stretching that would allow you to suck your own cock if you were 1. to get limber enough and 2. your cock is long enough. But a desire to suck one’s own cock — or even an attempt, successful or not — doesn’t mean a man is latently bisexual or gay. I assume you’ve been masturbating for more than two decades, OUROBOROS, and just as there’s nothing gay about all those handjobs you’ve given yourself, there’s nothing gay about the blowjobs you can only dream about giving yourself. Hey, Dan: I’m that rare gay man who doesn’t like sucking dick. It wasn’t hard for my VGL husband to find guys who wanted to blow him before quarantine, and for years I didn’t ask about it because I didn’t want to know the details. But I knew he had video on his phone of some guys blowing him that he

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sometimes watched, and I recently asked to watch one, and I was completely shocked. It wasn’t just a blowjob. He spat in the guy’s face, called him homophobic names, and was just generally brutal. The intensity and violence wasn’t something I’ve ever detected in my husband or been on the receiving end from my husband. When I pressed my husband he shrugged and said, “That’s how a lot of guys like it.” I’m not sure what to do. Gay And Gloomy Guy Extremely Disturbed I read your letter three times and I still can’t tell whether you’re appalled or you’re jealous. Do you disapprove of your husband treating someone that way, or are you disappointed that your husband has never treated you that way? If it’s the former, well, don’t watch any more videos of your husband throat fucking his subby cocksuckers. If it’s the latter (and I suspect it is , E , then you’re going to need to figure out how to articulate that clearly — something you failed to do in your letter — so you can tell your husband you’d like it like that, too. Not being used for oral like that, of course, since you don’t like performing oral sex. But maybe you’d like anal like that? Dear Readers: This is gonna feel a little weird stuck onto the end of this week’s column, I realize, but I wanted to say something about protests all over the country and the world. While I haven’t been able to personally attend a Black Lives Matters protest over the last two weeks — I have deeply shitty lungs, and I’m concerned about contracting coronavirus — I fully support everyone who has taken to the streets to protest the violence of systemic racism and the specific violence inflicted on the black people by racist cops. And while I can’t be at the protests, my husband and I made a donation to bail funds across the country to help out people who were arrested at them. (You can donate at actblue.com donate bailfunds. lease keep marching, please wear your masks they work , and please please — make sure you and everyone you know is registered to vote. mail@savagelove.net @FakeDanSavage on Twitter www.savagelovecast.com

JUNE 17-23, 2020

RIVERFRONT TIMES

JUNE 17-23, 2020

riverfronttimes.com

JUNE 17-23, 2020

RIVERFRONT TIMES

Riverfront Times, June 17, 2020

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