I JUST WANT TO SPEAK TO A HUMAN!

Norajohnson Breakingviews

THERE are so many things wrong in the UK currently that it is practically impossible to get numbers down to even a top 10. Whenever back in the country, however, one of my almost daily frustrations is attempting to speak to a human in any organisation via any medium.

Some have removed phone contact, others email addresses and even chat messages (although that point may not be a bad thing with banks, with which you ‘live chat’ only to discover that the agent is actually dealing with some 300 ‘chatters’ and may get back to you tomorrow). And why are so many actual staff still working from home, especially government agencies like HMRC, DVLA etc?

Question: Why is it so difficult to speak to a human in wealthy, successful organisations?

Answer: Because they become successful initially by being small, flexible and customer­focused. Then they trade on that reputation to grow to a size where they’re bought out by MegaGlobalCorp Inc, who keep those direct debits rolling over whilst sacking everyone and closing down most of the backoffice operation. Customer service will be an irrelevance, and if they spend any money at all it will be on daft advertising campaigns.

And speaking to a human is almost as difficult as getting to see a GP in the UK.

At the age of 101, my mother had to see her doctor for a check ­ up. At the end of the consultation he decided to check for Alzheimer’s, asking her if she knew the date. She promptly responded with the correct day, date, month and year which elicited the response ‘brilliant’. “No it isnt,” she replied. “You have a large calendar on the wall behind you.” There were no further questions.

A friend’s mother, at 86, gave a similar response. She was then asked who was the Prime Minister, and was gleefully able to respond correctly: “I’ve just been watching news about him on TV!” Yet another mother, when asked for her birthday: “22nd March.” Doctor: “What year?” Mother: “Every bloody year!”

And talking of nannying, Bill Giles, retired MET forecaster, accused his suc­