How to Spot a Covert Narcissist

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Whatar et heDi f f er entTypesofAt t achment Youmayt hi nkt hat at t ac hment s t y l esonl yhav eany t hi ngt odowi t hr omant i cr el at i ons hi ps , but y ouwoul dbei nc or r ec t .At t ac hments t y l eswer ei ni t i al l ys t udi edandr es ear c hedbet weenc ar egi v er sandc hi l dr en.Ther eas onf or t hi si sbec aus et heat t ac hments t y l eswedev el opasc hi l dr enwi t hourc ar egi v er saf f ec tt het y peofr el at i ons hi ps andat t ac hment ss t y l eswedev el opi nouradul tr el at i ons hi ps . At t ac hment s t y l esar eof t endes c r i bedandc har ac t er i z edbyv ar i ousway swebehav eandi nt er ac t i nourr el at i ons hi ps 1. Thes eat t ac hments t y l esar edev el opedandc r eat eddur i ngear l yc hi l dhood–bas edonhowt hec ar egi v erandc hi l di nt er ac tt hr oughoutt hatper i od.Aswegr ow ol der ,ourat t ac hments t y l esc anr ef l ec tanddes c r i be ourr el at i ons hi ps ,par t i c ul ar l yr omant i cr el at i ons hi pswi t hot heradul t s .

Whati sAt t achmentTheor y? At t ac hment t heor ywasdev el opedbyps y c hol ogi s t andps y c hoanal y s t J ohnBowl by . Hec r eat edt het heor ydur i ng t he1950sand1960sandc ont r i but edgr eat l yt ot hewor konr el at i ons hi psbet weenc hi l dr enandpar ent s . Bowl byv i ewedt hef i r s tc onnec t i ones t abl i s hedbyac hi l dandmot hert ot hes t r onges tofal lr el at i ons hi ps .He bel i ev edt hatt hebehav i or si nf ant sex hi bi tt opr ev ents epar at i onf r om apar entwer emec hani s msc r eat edby ev ol ut i on.Behav i or ss uc hasc r y i ng,gr abbi ngandhol di ng,ands c r eami ngwer eex t r emeway st hathadev ol v ed i nhumans 2.Bowl byhy pot hes i z edt hatt hes eex t r emebehav i or swer er ei nf or c edandmades t r ongert hr ough nat ur al s el ec t i on. Thet heor yar oundat t ac hments t y l esr os eoutofr es ear c hc ompl et edonat t ac hmentt heor ybet weent he1960s and1970s .Thef oundat i onofat t ac hmentt heor yandr es ear c hbeganwi t hFr eud’ si deaandc onc eptofl ov eand

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r el at i ons hi ps ,butJ ohnBowl byi st her es ear c hert hatnai l eddownat t ac hments t y l esandhowi tr ef l ec t sonour r el at i ons hi ps .Hedes c r i bedat t ac hmentasa“ l as t i ngps y c hol ogi c alc onnec t ednes sbet weenhumanbei ngs ” . Gener aldef i ni t i onsofat t ac hmentdes c r i bei tasanemot i onalr el at i ons hi pc ent er edar oundt heex c hangeof c omf or t ,c ar e,andpl eas ur e.Thes eat t ac hment sbec omewel les t abl i s heddur i ngourear l yc hi l dhoodbyt he r el at i ons hi psbet weenusandt hos et ak i ngc ar eofus .

At t achmentTheor y Thet heor yi nv es t i gat est hebondbet weenac ar egi v erandc hi l d. I t ex ami neshowt hebondi sc r eat edanddev el oped. Wor k i ngwi t hment al l yhandi c appedc hi l dr eni nLondoni nt he1930s , Bowl byr eal i z edt hei mpac t t hat t he r el at i ons hi pbet weenpar ent andc hi l dhasondev el opment . Bowl bydi s c ov er edi nf ant ss epar at edf r omapar ent mayl eadt omal adj us t mentl at eri nl i f e.Thr ought hi sdi s c ov er y ,hedev el opedat t ac hmentt heor y . Bowl by ’ sr es ear c hf oundt hatac hi l ds epar at edf r om apar entr out i nel ys howss i gnsofdi s t r es s .Al ongwi t h c ol l eagueJ amesRober t s on, Bowl bydi s c ov er edt hat whenapar ent wasabs ent , t hec hi l dr emai nedi ndi s c omf or t .Thi swentagai ns tbehav i or al t heor y ,whi c hc l ai medt hatc hi l dr enwoul dadaptt oapar entbei ngabs enti f t heywer ef ed.Bowl byandRober t s onf oundt hatbei ngf edornothadnoi mpac tont hei rat t ac hment .Chi l dr en r emai neddi s t r es s edr egar dl es si ft hei rpar entwasabs ent . At t ac hmentt heor yc l ai mst hatt heat t ac hmentdoes n’ thav et ober ec i pr oc at edbybot hpar t i es .Onei ndi v i dual c anbeat t ac hedt oanot herwhi l et heot heri s n’ tat t ac hedemot i onal l yorphy s i c al l y .

Evol ut i onofTypesofAt t achment At t ac hmentt heor ys t at est hatc hi l dr enandpar ent shav ean“ at t ac hmentgene” .Thi sgenei swhati nf l uenc es i ndi v i dual st opr ot ec tandt ak ec ar eoft hei rc hi l dr en.Bowl bybel i ev edat t ac hmentwasabi ol ogi c al agentand al l c hi l dr enar ebor nwi t ht he“ at t ac hmentgene” . Hec r eat edt het er m‘ monot r opy ’ meani ngt hatt her ei sonec ent r al at t ac hmentf i gur ef ort hec hi l dt of oc uson. Bowl bybel i ev edt hat anuns uc c es s f ul bondbet weenac hi l dandmonot r opymeant t hat negat i v ec ons equenc es mayoc c url at eri nl i f e.

Di f f er entTypesofAt t achment Di f f er entTy pesofAt t ac hment :Sec ur eat t ac hment Sec ur eat t ac hment s i gni f i esal ov i ngandc ar i ngbondhasbeenc r eat edbet weent hepar ent andc hi l d. Chi l dr en f eel c ar edf orandl ov edbyt hei rpar ent .Theydev el opt heabi l i t yt ohav es t r ong,heal t hyr el at i ons hi ps . Di f f er entTy pesofAt t ac hment :Anx i ous Ambi v al entat t ac hment Thes ec hi l dr enf eel unl ov edi nc hi l dhoodandbec omeemot i onal l ydependentonc ei nadul t hood. Di f f er entTy pesofAt t ac hment :Av oi dantat t ac hment Asc hi l dr en,i ndi v i dual sunder s t andt hei rneedsf orl ov eandat t ent i onwi l lnotbemet .Onc et hes ei ndi v i dual s bec omeadul t s ,t heyav oi dr el at i ons hi psandhav edi f f i c ul t yex pr es s i ngt hei rf eel i ngsf orot her s .I ndi v i dual s al s os t r uggl et ounder s t andot her sandt hei rownemot i ons . Di f f er entTy pesofAt t ac hment :Di s or gani z edat t ac hment Chi l dr eni nt hi sat t ac hmentgr oupex hi bi ts t r ongr ageandanger .Theymayac ti nv ol at i l eway st husmak i ng

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i tdi f f i c ul tt oc r eat ebondswi t hot her s .Asadul t s ,t hes ei ndi v i dual smays hyawayf r om i nt i mat er el at i ons hi ps . Theymayal s ol ac kt heabi l i t yt oc ont r ol emot i ons . At t ac hmentt heor yof f er sani nt er es t i ngl ookatt hewayc hi l dr endev el op.Byl ear ni ngmor eaboutat t ac hment t heor yandc hi l dr en,ment al heal t hs pec i al i s t sc anunder s t andi ndi v i dual smor et hor oughl yasadul t s . Thedi f f er ent t y pesof at t ac hment hav ec har ac t er i s t i c sof at t ac hment t hat ar eus edt ohel pi dent i f yanddes c r i be eac hs t y l e: Separ at i ondi s t r es s–anx i et yandf eart hathappenswhent hef i gur eofat t ac hmenti sabs ent . Pr ox i mi t ymai nt enanc e–t hedes i r et obear oundt hepeopl ewehav edev el opedanat t ac hmentt o. Saf eHav en–t heat t ac hmentf i gur ei sapl ac ef orc omf or tands af et ywhent hei ndi v i dualf ac esf ear ,anx i et y , ort hr eat eni ngs i t uat i ons . Sec ur ebas e–Theat t ac hmentf i gur ei ss omeonewhot hei ndi v i dualc anal way sr et ur nt oaf t ert heys pend t i meex pl or i ngt hewor l dont hei rown.

Di f f er entTypesofAt t achmentSt yl es Secur eAt t achmentSt y l e Chi l dr enwhohav eas ec ur eat t ac hmentwi t ht hei rc ar egi v er sar et y pi c al l yups etwhent hei rc ar egi v er sl eav e andhappywhent heyr et ur nt ot hem. Whent heyar es c ar ed, t hes epar t i c ul arc hi l dr ens eekout s hel t erandc omf or tf r om t hei rc ar egi v er . Thes ec hi l dr enwi l l ac c eptc omf or tors af et yf r om t hos eout s i deoft hei rc ar egi v er sbut pr ef eri tt oc omef r om t hec ar egi v ert hems el f . Thes ec hi l dr eneas i l yac c eptanyc ont ac tori nt er ac t i onwi t ht hec ar egi v erandt y pi c al l ypl aymor ewi t ht hei r c ar egi v er st hanot herc hi l dr en.Muc hoft hi si sbec aus et hes ec ar egi v er shav eamuc hqui c k err es pons et i me whent hei rc hi l dex pr es s esaneed.Thec hi l dr ent hatgr owf r om as ec ur eat t ac hmenthav ebeens hownt obe mor eempat het i ct hanc hi l dr enwi t houts ec ur eat t ac hment . Sec ur eat t ac hmenti snotunc ommon,buti tdoesnotal way soc c ur . Thi st endst obec aus edbyt hec ar et ak er ’ s r es pons et i met oex pr es s edneedsoft hei nf ant . Lat eri nl i f e,c hi l dr enwi t hs ec ur eat t ac hment sgr ow upt obeadul t swhohav emor ec ons i s t ent ,l ongt er m r el at i ons hi ps .

Ambi val entAt t achmentSt yl e I fac hi l di ss us pi c i ousofs t r anger s ,ev ens af eones ,t heyl i k el yhav eanambi v al entat t ac hments t y l e. Theyar e ex t r emel yner v ousandanx i ouswhent hei rc ar et ak erl eav est hem f oraper i odoft i meandar enotnec es s ar i l y c ons ol edbyt her et ur noft hec ar et ak erei t her . Theymayev eni gnor et hepar ent ’ sr et ur nandr ef us et obec omf or t edbyt hem.Somemayal s odi s pl ayaggr es s i on. Ambi v al entat t ac hmenti snotex t r emel yc ommonandonl y715% ofi nf ant sdev el opt hi ss or tofat t ac hment s t y l ei near l yc hi l dhood.Thi sat t ac hments t y l ei sof t enas s oc i at edwi t hanunav ai l abl emot herorc ar et ak er andt heyhav eof t engr owni nt ool derc hi l dr enoradul t swhoar ec l i ngyanddependentonot her s .

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Asadul t s , t heyar eex t r emel ydi s t r aught at t heendof r el at i ons hi psandof t enf eel ast houghpar t ner sandt hos e t heyar ei nr el at i ons hi pswi t hdonotr et ur nt hei rf eel i ngs .Thi sl eadst or el at i ons hi pst hatf eel c ol danddi s t ant .

Avoi dantAt t achmentSt yl e Thi sat t ac hment s t y l ei sal mos t ex ac t l yasi t s ounds— t hec hi l dav oi dst hepar ent orc ar et ak er . Thi sav oi danc e i sof t eni nc r eas edaf t ert hec ar et ak erhasl ef tt hepr es enc eoft hec hi l df oraper i odoft i me. Theydonot of t ens eekout c omf or t orc ont ac t andmayormaynot r ej ec t t hat at t ent i onorc omf or t f r om apar ent . Ther ei sof t ennoobv i ousdi f f er enc ebet weenhowt hi ss or t of c hi l di nt er ac t swi t ht hei res t abl i s hedc ar et ak erand howt heyi nt er ac twi t hs t r anger s . Ast heyage,t heyof t enhav eadi f f i c ul tt i mewi t hi nt i mac yandt i ght k ni tr el at i ons hi ps .Theyar enotemot i onal i nar el at i ons hi p,ev enl ongt er m,anddonots how s i gnsofs t r es soremot i onwhenr el at i ons hi psend.They c omeupwi t hex c us est oav oi di nt i mac yorc l os er el at i ons hi ps .Theyhav eahar dt i mes har i ngt hei rf eel i ngs andt hought swi t hpar t ner sandt hos et heyar ei nr el at i ons hi pswi t h.

Di sor gani zedAt t ac hmentSt yl e Thi sat t ac hments t y l ei sal s oc al l edt hedi s or gani z edi ns ec ur eat t ac hments t y l e.Thes ei ndi v i dual ss how a c ompl et el ac koft y pi c alat t ac hmentbehav i or sandpat t er ns .Thewayt heyr eac tandr es pondt oc ar et ak er s i sami x edbag.Theymayappeart obeav oi dantorambi v al entatdi f f er entt i mes .Theyar eof t enc onf us ed, al oof ,ands us pi c i ouswhenac ar et ak eri sar ound. Thi sat t ac hments t y l ei sr ar eandi sof t enar es ul tofapar entorc ar et ak erpr ov i di ngt hec hi l dwi t hami x ed l ev elofat t ent i onandc ar e.Theymayats omet i mesbet her eas onf ort hei rc hi l d’ sanx i et yandatot hert i mes t her eas onf orr eas s ur anc eorc omf or t .

Li f eAt t achmentSt y l e Whi l eat t ac hments t y l esdor ef l ec tandhav eani mpac tonouradul tandr omant i cr el at i ons hi ps ,t heyar enot al way si dent i c alt ot heat t ac hments t y l ewehadasc hi l dr en.Theex per i enc esy ouhav ear oundr el at i ons hi ps c anaf f ec thowy ouf or m andmai nt ai nbondsi nt oadul t hood.

Bewar eAboutt heDi f f er entTypesofAt t achment Somewhomayhav ebeenl abel edasav oi dantorambi v al entdur i ngt hei rc hi l dhoodc andev el opandgr ow i nt os omeonewhohasas ec ur eat t ac hmenti nt hei radul tandr omant i cr el at i ons hi ps .Somewhower es ec ur e asc hi l dr enc andev el opi ns ec ur eat t ac hmentasadul t s .Ourex per i enc est hr oughoutourl i f es hapet heway wei nt er ac tandwhi l eear l yc hi l dhoodat t ac hments t y l esdohav eal i f el ongi mpac ti ns omeway s ,t heydonot al way sguar ant eewhowewi l l beandhowwewi l l f or mr el at i ons hi psasadul t s .Thel i f eex per i enc eswehav e andhowwer es pondt ot hem c ans l i ght l yc hanget hec our s eofourat t ac hments t y l es .

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