1
2
Dedicated to my beautiful mother and sister.
To all of the powerful women in my life who have showed me how to be strong. And to everyone out there who feels or has felt silenced, may you find your voice and the strength to speak up.
3
4
This book features a collection of anonymous personal stories from brave women and non-binary folk speaking about their experiences with their reproductive health.
TW: Sensitive topics are discussed throughout this book including sexual assault and rape
5
My periods have always been unusually heavy, extremely painful, and irregular. Sometimes I bleed every month, other times I skip three months for no reason. Sometimes the bleeding lasts for four days, other times I bleed for a month straight. My doctors either downplay this or say they will even out as I get older, but I’ve been menstruating for over ten years and it only gets worse. The doctors do the same thing every time: pregnancy test (negative), vague guessing at what is wrong, then suggesting I use birth control. None of them seem concerned about diagnosing me or
listening to my concerns. Heck, birth control hasn’t even helped. It had zero effect on my period and the doctors just say it is my body ‘adjusting’ and refuse to do anything except change me to new pills or tell me to wait it out for three months, six months, a year, and so on. Just to get rid of me. I feel like I will never get better, that I’ll just suffer until menopause.
get until ”
“
I beg them to help every time.
6
Connecticut
“Feminism has never been about getting a job for one woman. It’s about making life more fair for women everywhere. It’s not about a piece of the existing pie; there are too many of us for that. It’s about baking a new pie.
-- Gloria Steinem, 1982
7
zine
8
workshop
NING G : B BIRRT RHHCON T R NSILOONTOOTT EB UFCUDEKCWD I T H A AT T 15. 9
WAARRN
10
Opposing views on abortion during a demonstration in Pittsburgh, 1974. 11
FEELLIKEI'MIN CONTROLOFMYOWN FORM OF BIRTHCONTROL
I F I NALLY
12
WARNING: YOUR IUD MIGHT CAUSE INFECTION
life
“ 13
In March of my senior year of high school, I got an IUD. I went to a well-regarded gynecologist. A few months after it was put in, I started getting a sharp pain in what I would describe as my right ovary area. It kept happening so I went back to the gynecologist. She sent me to get an ultrasound and sonogram, but both came up completely healthy. She basically told me to just see if it kept happening, but it should go away on its own. This was all happening at the same time as I was going to college so I kind of just lived with this on-and-off pain as I moved across the country. In January of my freshman year of college, I began consistently throwing up every day at random times and getting the worst migraines of my life. I kept being told that it was just my anxiety so I tried to ignore it the best that I could. Right before covid hit my partner told me that they felt what they thought was my IUD during intercourse. This, combined with my ovary pain, migraines, and throwing up made life honestly pretty horrible. I was so insecure and the thinnest I'd ever been, I constantly felt awful. We ended up getting sent home in March because of the pandemic and I took the opportunity to go to the gynecologist as soon as I could. I was finally able to see her in early April and basically just went in and told her to take the IUD out and put me on the pill. She took it out and sent it to a lab to get tested. When the results came back it turned out that the IUD had grown a yeast infection, giving me all the symptoms of one but no actual infection. I have now been on the birth control pill for about three and a half years and am very happy with it and finally feel like I’m in control of my own form of birth control.” out
She/Her, 21 years old, Los Angeles, CA
I'vealways felt a lot of shame about my reproductive health. Maybe it’s because my mom is an immigrant and had a rocky education growing up and that there’s a lot of privacy and stigma in Asian cultures about women’s health... but I was really sheltered from any type of education from the one person I should have felt comfortable with, my mother. I don’t really hold it against her now, but during the times I needed it most, I had no guidance. She told me to never touch a tampon with no explanation, and of course, I was curious, so I tried a tampon. Had no idea how to use it though, so I had a panic attack in my middle school bathroom trying to get it out. It seemed like in school cool girls were using tampons, because the stigma was that pads were “unsanitary” (even though they are completely sanitary!), so I ended up feeling a lot of shame using pads. No matter what I did, it felt like I was always feeling shame over an extremely normal experience.”
She/Her, 20 years old, New Paltz, NY
“ 14
15
16
When I was 19 I was convinced by my boyfriend at the time to get on birth control because he didn't like using a condom. I was young and impressionable. He was 26 and older. So I did it, because I thought that's what he wanted. But nobody tells you what being on the birth control pill can do to you. I went through years of depression, yeast infections, and chronic UTIs while on the pill, only for it all to stop as soon as I stopped the pill. I got the copper IUD and it was like I did a 180°. I'm so glad there are so many options for birth control now, so women can choose what works best. Because I definitely wasn't warned of the side effects, so I'm sure many other women aren’t either. It was so easy to just walk in and get a prescription, without a larger conversation about what taking this pill ACTUALLY meant. And I wish I had never let myself get talked into getting on it in the first place, just to appease some guy. She/Her, 28 years old, California
“
17
18
19
The Year of the Woman
On October 11, 1991, the world watched as attorney Anita Hill testified against U.S. Supreme Court nominee Clarence Thomas for sexual harassment. In the televised hearings before the Senate Judiciary Committee, Hill declared that Thomas had repeatedly harassed her while she was his employee at the Department of Education and the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission. According to Hill, when she worked as his aide, Thomas frequently pressured her to go on dates and often made sexually inappropriate comments during their work conversations. Despite Hill’s testimony, Thomas was still confi rmed as a Supreme Court Justice after the three-day hearings.
20
For many mainstream feminists, the Anita Hill case marked a turning point in women’s activism. After speaking up about Supreme Court Justice, Clarence Thomas’ continuous sexual harassment, women began to speak more publicly about sexual assault. The visibility of the case caused women to question the male-dominated leadership in Congress. Before the hearings, seven democratic women from the House of Representatives marched over to the Senate to demand a further investigation of the accusations against Thomas. Although he was still confirmed as a justice, feminists began to push for a more active role in political leadership. The very next year, more women were elected to Congress on voting day than in any previous decade. That year became known as “The Year of the Woman,” and 27 women were elected to Congress.
“Feminism: The Third Wave.” National Women’s History Museum.
21
Anita Hill testifying in front of Congress
zine workshop 22
IT WAS THE FIRST TIME
“ I F E LT OUT OF CONTROL
OF MY OWN BODY
23
“ Earlier this summer I had my period for over two weeks straight. The cramps that accompanied it were debilitating. I’m talking, pale face, cold sweats, can’t stand up straight cramps. I went to three different doctors and during one of my appointments, I had to get an internal ultrasound. I had never gotten one before and I was also never told the ultrasound was going to be internal. I only ever knew of topical ones. When I arrived the (male) doctor told me I needed to pee before we began. I asked if I could keep my Diva cup in and he said ‘yeah that’s fine.’ As I was in the bathroom peeing, the doctor knocked on the door and said, ‘actually, you’re going to need to take your birth control out.’ I respond ‘… what?’ And he repeated himself. I then asked if he was referring to my Diva cup and he said yes. I had to explain what a Diva cup was to a male gynecologist. That was red flag number one.
The second red flag occurred during the appointment. He had lubed up the wand and had me put my hand on his to guide it to the hole where he would then insert it. He ‘missed’ my hole three times (jamming it into my clitoral area) before I had to literally say ‘actually it’s a bit lower’ and guide him towards the hole. Red fl ag number three happened at the end of the appointment. He took the wand out and looked at my vagina with disgust and said ‘Uhh.. you’re going to need to clean yourself up and then we’ll talk.’ Even after weeks of appointments, no one seemed to figure out what was happening with me.”
New York, NY
24
dahI t o explain wh a t a D i v a cupwas toamalegynecologist. 25
zine workshop 26
EMRYS, THEY/THEM, 21 YEARS OLD 27
Women take part in a demonstration demanding safe, legal abortions for all women in New York City, 1977.
28
29
SARAH, SHE/HER, 21 YEARS OLD 30
WITHOUT BIRTH CONTROL, I WOULD BE IN EXTREME PAIN AND MAYBE NOT EVEN ALIVE
Iwas 16 when I went to the hospital for severe pains in my lower abdomen. The doctors had done tests on me including, the basic appendix check, MRI scans, and urine samples and while we were waiting for those results to come back, the doctor was pushing for an internal vaginal exam. My mom told the doctor no as I was still a virgin and there was no need for it. The doctor didn’t listen and didn’t believe my mom or me that I was a virgin and pushed for the exam, saying it wouldn’t hurt (again, she didn’t believe I was a virgin). She ended up doing it and it was extremely painful and I was bleeding a lot. And after all that, they didn’t come up with anything until my MRI scans came back and showed a massive ovarian cyst the size of my ovary. This is
also when I was diagnosed with PCOS or Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome. So I was then sent to a Pediatric Gynecologist where I was prescribed birth control to help control the PCOS from further giving me any more symptoms or pain. I was also put on birth control by my psychiatrist who diagnosed me with PMDD or Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder which causes me to become severely suicidal when my period comes. My birth control also helps regulate this. Without my birth control, I would be in extreme pain and maybe not even alive.”
She/Her, 21 years old, Wappingers Falls, NY
SHE/HER, OLD
“
“ 31
32
Well... I was sexually assaulted sometime in my childhood. I remember only bits and pieces, and I can't really tell whether or not they are made up or real. I over sexualized myself because I had been over sexualized. I used the charm and sweetness I naturally had to protect myself from the adults surrounding me. Most of them were kind, though most also did not know how to handle their own emotions and were not capable of helping me navigate mine. I was in charge of all the little kids in my life because I was the oldest girl. I still struggle not to care for every single broken person, bird, and bug I come across. Some of it is just... me. However, a lot of it comes from constant awareness of how others are doing and how I can make their existence easier. At 13, I was dating a violently abused child who, in turn, violently abused me. His only understanding of love was manipulating, controlling and owning. It fit right in my worldview. It made sense. I was his. He was my everything. Until he wasn't. When we broke up he told me he would get me back. When he realized I wasn't coming back, he started threatening me, screaming at me in public, and blowing up on others even more than he normally did. He said, 'if you ever smile at me or my friends again I'll cut your lips off and shove them up your ass' in the school hallway during lunch. I moved on quickly. I was terrifi ed. I felt I had no protection of my own, no choice or right to state something so strongly. I was independent, I was capable, and I was brainwashed. The relationship didn't work out. Months later, I learned I was moving. N o choice. No power. No protection. I found another boy to distract me.
We 'fell in love.' I was barely 16. My parents let him move across the country with us. He moved into my room. I became his. He was my everything. Until he wasn't. He stopped listening when I said no. He stopped caring when things hurt me. He started contradicting himself. We imploded. Became toxic. I had never truly consented to have sex with him due to my past trauma and inability to really say 'no,' but it got worse. He raped me. He coerced me. He used me. No one cared. I told a handful of friends and lost most of them. They said, 'I can't believe you're making me choose. I can't choose only one of you. That's not fair.' My mom said, 'Well, you were sending mixed signals. He didn't mean to hurt you, he didn't understand.' I broke down. I went away to college. I got a therapist who had been through most of my own story and gotten through it. I am healing now, years down the road from all of the bumps and I still can't drive straight. I am constantly terrified of the world. Of every single man I see on the street, in a bar, and in class. I am fearful and angry. I am livid at all of the people in the world who refute the rights we have as humans. Regardless of my genitalia or my gender expression, I AM A PERSON.
I AM WORTHY. I AM ENOUGH. They/Them,
“
21
old,
Paltz,
33
years
New
NY
She/Her, 28 years old, Northern California 34
35
36
THISISMY6THYEARONBIRTH .LORTNOC
MY CHEMISTRY HAS BEEN ALTERED FOR MOST OF MY EARLY ADULTHOOD.
I always wonder how my life would be without it. The doctors were so ready to put me on the pill at for my heavy period and acne. Now I worry about what my life will be like if I choose to stop taking it.
She/Her, 21 years old, New Paltz, NY
15
“
37
38
ISSUES ORAL CONTRACEPTION CAN CAUSE
39
NOT ENOUGH PEOPLE DISCUSS THE MENTAL HEALTH
HELPLINES
Love is Respect
Visit loveisrespect.org, text “LOVEIS” to 22522, or call 1-866-331-9474 to talk with a peer advocate to prevent and end an abusive relationship.
Get Tested
Visit gettested.cdc.gov or call 1-800-CDC-INFO to locate local clinics that provide free low-cost, confidential STD services.
National Sexual Assault Hotline
Visit rainn.org to chat or call 800-656-HOPE (4673) to get connected with a trained staff member from a sexual assault service provider in your area.
Planned Parenthood Chatline
Visit plannedparenthood.org/teens to use their instant chatline.
Trevor Project
Visit thetrevorproject.org, or text or call 866-488-7386 to receive crisis intervention and suicide prevention services for LGBTQ+ young people.
REPRODUCTIVE HEALTH RESOURCES
Planned Parenthood plannedparenthood.org
Bedsider – Birth Control Resources Bedsider.org
Go Ask Alice! goaskalice.columbia.edu
Teen Health – Information About Sexual Health kidshealth.org/en/teens/sexual-health
40
IMAGE SOURCES
“Copper Iud (Intrauterine Device).” Body Talk, April 13, 2017. https:// bodytalk.org.au/what-contraception-suits-me/copper-iudintrauterine-device/
Cottonbro Studio. Pexels. December 11, 2020. https://www.pexels.com/ photo/a-person-holding-a-birth-control-pills-6471430/
Danilevich, Olia. Pexels. November 20, 2020. https://www.pexels.com/ photo/pregnancy-test-kits-on-red-surface-5974130/
Danilyuk, Pavel. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/photo-of-anultrasound-machine-7108390/
Frank, Priscilla. “Gloria Steinem & Dorothy Pitman-Hughes' Restaging of Iconic Portrait Shows Activism Has No Age.” HuffPost. HuffPost, March 2, 2017. https://www.huffpost. com/entry/gloria-steinem-dorothy-pitman-hughes_n_5 8b6d8e1e4b0a8a9b787c8cb?ncid=engmodushpmg00000005
Kieffer, Ben, Matthew Alvarez, and Caitlin Troutman. “Anita Hill Talks about What's Changed, and What's Stayed the Same, in a 30-Year Journey to End Gender Violence.” Iowa Public Radio, October 8, 2021. https://www.iowapublicradio.org/ national-news/2021-10-08/anita-hill-talks-about-whatschanged-and-whats-stayed-the-same-in-a-30-yearjourney-to-end-gender-violence.
Kozik, Alesia. Pexels. May 8, 2021. https://www.pexels.com/photo/whitetiled-wall-in-close-up-shot-7911676/
Lendof, Emil. “A Brief History of Women's Rights Protests.” New York Post. New York Post, March 8, 2017. https:// nypost.com/2017/03/08/a-brief-history-of-womensrights-protests/#9
Malhotra, Gayatri. Keep Your Politics Off My Body. Unsplash. May 18, 2022. https://unsplash.com/photos/eykA0V0gHiE
Musho, Lee. “The Neatly Packaged Rage of a Protest Sign.” The Cut, March 8, 2019. https://www.thecut.com/article/womensprotest-signs.html
Nothing Ahead. Pexels. November 14, 2019. https://www.pexels.com/ photo/grayscale-photography-of-open-window-3233019/
Ollstein, Alice Miranda. “FDA Weighs First-Ever Application for over-theCounter Birth Control Pills in the Wake of Roe's Fall.” POLITICO, July 11, 2022. https://www.politico.com/news/2022/07/11/fdaweighs-first-ever-application-for-over-the-counter-birthcontrol-pills-in-the-wake-of-roes-fall-00044819
“Reproductive Freedom Protest, circa 1980s-1990s.: Barnard Digital Collections.” Reproductive Freedom Protest, circa 1980s-1990s. | Barnard Digital Collections, 1980-1999. https:// digitalcollections.barnard.edu/do/4a55c02d-e361-4459-b5a52d369b5dc9ef
Sanchez, Gabriel H. “20 Pictures That Show Just How Powerful the Women's Liberation Movement Was.” BuzzFeed News. BuzzFeed News, September 20, 2018. https://www. buzzfeednews.com/article/gabrielsanchez/womensliberation-movement-photos-history
“Saturday, December 15, 1979.” The New York Times. The New York Times. Accessed March 28, 2023. https://timesmachine.nytimes.com/ timesmachine/1979/12/15/issue.html
Shimazaki, Sora. Pexels. November 4, 2020. https://www.pexels.com/ photo/woman-showing-clean-tampons-in-hand-5938417/
Shvets, Anna. Pexels. https://www.pexels.com/photo/holding-whiteplastic-cup-on-pink-background-3683038/
Smithsonian Institution. “Gloria Steinem and Dorothy Pitman Hughes.” National Portrait Gallery, 1971. https://npg.si.edu/object/npg_ NPG.2005.121
“Sunday, March 29, 1970.” The New York Times. The New York Times. Accessed March 23, 2023. https://timesmachine. nytimes.com/timesmachine/1970/03/29/issue.html
Trovato, Giorgio. Unsplash. May 10, 2021. https://unsplash.com/photos/ P7KojDDFUio
Wendt, Diane, and Mallory Warner. “Packaging the Pill.” National Museum of American History, June 22, 2015. https:// americanhistory.si.edu/blog/packaging-pill
“Your Doctor Prescribed a Transvaginal Ultrasound: Here's What You Should Know.” Radiology Affiliates Imaging, March 20, 2017. https://4rai.com/blog/has-your-doctor-prescribed-atransvaginal-ultrasound-heres-what-you-should-know
OTHER SOURCES
“Feminism: The Third Wave.” National Women's History Museum, June 23, 2020. https://www.womenshistory. org/exhibits/feminism-third-wave.
41
For more information about my project and my work contact Eve Fagan at evemfagan6@gmail.com or visit evefagan.com
42
43
44
