THE FRIENDSHIP & DATING DUO Stop Building Barriers to Social Success When There Is an Autism Diagnosis

By Jeremy Hamburgh and Ilana Frank

THERE ALWAYS SEEMS TO BE SOMETHING THAT NEEDS TO GET DONE AND STANDS IN YOUR WAY OF GETTING STARTED ON THE SOCIAL LIFE AND RELATIONSHIPS YOU’VE ALWAYS WANTED. SOME OF THEM ARE BIG THINGS: FIND A SCHOOL. START SCHOOL. FINISH SCHOOL. SEARCH FOR JOBS. LAND A JOB. LAND A BETTER JOB. MOVE OUT. MOVE IN.

Some of them are smaller things: Go food shopping. Cook dinner. Clean up. Take out the garbage. Play some video games. Watch the newest videos on TikTok. Oh, and buy sneakers to replace the ones that are falling apart.

Tasks, tasks, tasks. It can feel exasperating! And what’s worse, no matter how many items you cross off your to-do list, there always seem to be more tasks that need tackling and accomplishments that need accomplishing. Sometimes it feels like you cannot get ahead, no matter how hard you try. And since you feel like you’ve fallen behind, the idea of taking on “one more thing” feels unwise, especially when it’s a big thing, like being more social. After all, if you’re barely getting things done now, what’s going to happen when you elect to take on something that’s life changing?

The truth is that making friends, dating, and building a social life requires skill and strategy, and building both of those things requires effort. If you aren’t willing to put in that effort, you’re not going to settle on your strategy and sharpen your skills, and life will continue along the same trajectory it’s on now.

But here’s the good news…You are absolutely capable of finding the time and putting in the effort so you can have the skills and strategy you need to spark a connection with people who’ll make your life feel fulfilling.

How do you start? Simple: By not putting up barriers to your social success. You can go food shopping, cook dinner, clean up, take out the garbage, and buy new sneakers…and still have time to pursue the social life you want. You can find a school, start your classes, finish your exams, search for jobs, go on interviews, move out of the house, and live more independently…and still have time to pursue the social life you deserve.

The items on your to-do list may feel like barriers because they require fairly immediate attention, but they’re not barriers at all. They’re simply tasks, some bigger and some smaller. And what’s important is this: They can be accomplished alongside other priorities, like building the strategy and skills for connecting with new people, making new friends, and finding a romantic partner.

The idea that you need to complete one priority in its entirety before starting on another is simply false. It may even be your defense mechanism that allows you to put off the hard things until some future date that never comes. In other words, “How can I focus on making friends and dating when I still have to look for a job?” sounds like a perfectly reasonable rationalization for procrastination.

But it isn’t reasonable at all. Rather, it’s a self-imposed barrier that keeps you stuck. My mentor calls it “getting ready to get ready,” and it’s a classic delay tactic that allows you to put off the effort it takes to accomplish what you truly want under the guise of needing to accomplish something else first.

Here’s the truth: You are absolutely capable of having deep friendships and relationships, and you are absolutely capable of getting started now.

More than that, you should get started right now. And we say that because the world feels really topsy-turvy right now, and there are many people out there who can really use your light and love. It’s true: There are countless people all around your community who feel lonely, isolated, unseen, unheard, and just plain scared. They want connection every bit as much as you do, but many of them don’t know how to make it happen or they’re just too stuck to try. So, if they can’t make it happen on their own, who will help them?

You will! Because you have light and love to give. Because time can always be found to build the strategy and skills that allow you to spread that light and love. And because, when you bring your light and love to others, not only do you change your life, but you change their lives, too.

Will there be days when you’re too tired to work on your social strategy? Yes. Will there be days when you don’t have enough time to have lunch, let alone work on your social skills? Yes. Will there be days when you just need to focus on getting something accomplished, and that item takes priority over socializing? Yes. But there are 168 hours in a week, and only about 60 of them are spent sleeping, so let’s stop putting up barriers that don’t actually exist! Instead, let’s talk about how to accomplish everything on your to do list and make the world a friendlier place (and enjoy a vibrant social life in the process).

Jeremy Hamburgh and Ilana Frank run the Social Life 360 program (www.MyBestSocialLife.com), which is a groundbreaking program that empowers autistic adults to meet new people, make new friends, start dating, and build relationships using a combination of science-based social strategy, wrap-around coaching and mentoring, and a warm, loving, and inclusive community all working towards the same goals. Parents can schedule a no-cost 90-minute Strategy Session for their family at MyBestSocialLife.com/Apply or by emailing them at Jeremy@ MyBestSocialLife.com or Ilana@MyBestSocialLife.com

Website: www.MyBestSocialLife.com