september12, 2011 Editor’s Note
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‘Love and marriage go together like a horse and carriage’, but what happens when The Other Woman suddenly wants to ride in your vehicle? Your Style explores the link between marriage and ‘mistressdom’ and whether her presence can actually benefit your relationship. We also debut a new monthly column, Your
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Health with Dr. Carey, where we will examine various issues pertaining to your well-being. Also, find the right bag for your hectic workday and more in this week’s issue of Your Style.
Live. Love. Laugh a Lot.
Sex in the 21st Century
Fabulous In Your 30s Bag-Age: Stylish and Functional ‘Carry-Alls’ His Mistress and Your Marriage The Inextricable Link
Quote of The Week
“For lack of an occasional expression of love, a relationship strong at the seams can wear thin in the middle.” -Robert Brault
Your Health with Dr. Carey
by Dr. Andrea Gardner Carey
Sex in the
21st Century
I
t is the 21st Century and due to our multimedia lifestyles, we are plugged in and informed about everything around the globe within seconds; however an area that is severely ignored is our wellness. We don’t spend enough time ensuring that we are eating healthy and at appropriate intervals, or that we are drinking enough fluids, or getting enough sleep and exercise. Our physical health is being slowly eroded by our fastpaced lives, but equally neglected is our emotional and mental health. Through this column, I want us to carefully examine our lives so that we can eradicate the bad habits, while learning new and sustainable options. To kick off our journey together, I have decided to tackle a very controversial subject: SEX! Whether you are “doing it”, or thinking about “doing it”; the issue of sex will arise in every modern romantic relationship. Now I am not here to be your conscience, your priest/minister or your mother. I am here to provide you with needed health information. So, as long as you are a consenting adult woman who has decided to have recreational sex with a partner, I am talking to you! If you are old enough to have sex, then you are equally empowered to purchase your own condoms. Arrgh! Gasp! Yes, I did say that. And in Jamaica, it is so easy to do. The display is usually behind the cashier, and in a well modulated tone (i.e. non- squeaky voice), ask her for whichever brand and amount catches your fancy. There are locally made and imported brands that range from $63.00 for 3 to $830.00 for a pack of12, with a whole array of options in many pleasing colours, flavors and textures. And after you have paid for them and discreetly placed them in your bags, the next step is to use them! If he doesn’t want to, that is his business, but make it clear that if he wants to be intimate with you, he has to wear them. www.ezineslimited.com
Now I will tell you why I feel so passionately about this. Throughout my years of practice, I have had the devastating job of informing women that they have either contracted a sexually transmitted infection (STI), some of which are incurable, or worse, that they are infertile. In most cases, it was due to previous STI exposure which they were unaware of. And the vast majority of STIs are preventable with appropriate condom use: each and every time you have sex, ensure that the condom is put on before any penetration and while your partner’s penis was erect (with a snug fit and the reservoir at the tip must not have air in it. Do not use Vaseline or oil-based lubricants with the latex forms, but rather water-based lubricants like KY jelly that will not weaken the rubber. If you can tolerate the spermicides that come with some condoms, meaning no discomfort, itching or yeast infections after their use, then please go ahead. I would even go so far as to suggest that even before becoming intimate with a new partner, you request that blood tests documenting his Human Immunodeficiency Virus (HIV) status, Hepatitis B/C status and a gonorrhoea and Chlamydia screen be done and handed to you in a sealed envelope from the testing facility. After all, we do live in the information age and with something as precious as our sexual health, we should have all the facts before we make any potentially life-altering decisions. Now, if the gentleman in question refuses to use condoms or do the tests above, then I would say kick him to the curb. Yet realistically, the fact that you were even contemplating sharing your body with the guy means you obviously care for him, so kicking him to curb is perhaps not an easy option. Perhaps you should take the time to educate him as well, so that he can take charge of his sexual health, for some of the common STIs can cause painful and long term conditions like prostatitis, painful sex and male infertility. No man wants that! But if he still does not want to be careful, then do you really want a sexual partner who is reckless not only with his health, but with yours? Let’s face it, although you think he may be the ONE, there is still the distinct possibility that next year he may not be and do you really want one of the memories he leaves behind to be an incurable STI or long term physical pain or infertility? Let me know. Dr. Andrea Gardner Carey Questions and comments can be sent to info@ezineslimited.com.
Your Style eZine
Cover Story
His Mistress and Your Marriage The Inextricable Link “F
or every diamond Stephen bought his latest mistress, he had to buy one for her [his wife]. So his love nest hatched a glittering nest egg of rings, earrings, brooches and uncut gems.” - Excerpt, Why Mistresses Have Everything to do with Marriage - Elizabeth Abbott I’m sure the title of this excerpt really got your attention, and you’re wondering what could have prompted the writer to make such a bold statement. We all have heard stories about The Other Woman, but none proclaiming a symbiotic link between ‘mistressdom’ and marriage. Elizabeth Abbott, author of the article quoted above and the book Mistresses: A History of the Other Woman , based her statement on her great-grandparents’ marriage and the mistress who helped stuff her trinket box. She offers the view that mistressdom and marriage are “parallel and complementary”. Abbott asserts that mistresses aren’t always ruinous to marriages as “some people believe that love affairs enrich and enliven marwww.ezineslimited.com
riage”, citing French writer Alexandre Dumas observation: “The chains of marriage are so heavy that it often takes two people to carry them, and sometimes three.” But really, aside from the material gains of gifts bought to assuage his guilty conscience, how does the wife benefit when she is losing his time, attention, affection and – if he’s not rich enough to buy them both expensive gifts – his financial support? Money is often seen as a major reason women become mistresses, but this is not always the case. Some men also take mistresses out of their own need, usually sexual and sometimes even emotional. Abbott shares a story from her book about a UK reviewer, Bel Mooney, whose husband’s affair was documented in her work. Mooney’s erstwhile happy union came to an end when her husband fell for an opera singer who was diagnosed with cancer. He actually left their martial home to be with the singer until she died, but noted that he was ‘torn’ about being away from Mooney and their happy decades-long marriage. Your Style eZine
Cover Story
Yet he didn’t return to his wife when his mistress passed and the couple eventually divorced. Mooney offers this perspective: “I admit to a suspicion that most men are susceptible to temptation. Show me a loyal husband and I’ll show you one who’s never had a real opportunity to stray.” While Abbott notes that not all men lacked the opportunity, she believes that some opportunities and temptations are just too irresistible for men to pass up. Many wives are actually blamed for their husbands wandering eyes as we make a generalization that men commit adultery because things are not good at home. However, that is not always the case. In a landmark show called “The ‘Other’ Woman Speaks Out’, Oprah spoke to Crystal who had dated two married men in her life. Of the latter man, Crystal said, “I felt I could offer him great sex, and that his wife could not offer him that.” She also shared how he made his life at home seem depressing and that he wanted to leave. “I had painted a picture of what his wife looked like based on everything he told me. I actually had the chance to meet her once, and she was beautiful and poised and she was just the opposite of the picture he painted. I guess that was my Aha! Moment,” Crystal said.
believe that it’s a two-way street. Truth be told, after investing years into a relationship, having children, building a home and creating stability, some women will be damned if they let another just walk in and stake her claim, no matter how much money and gifts are lavished upon them. Some mistresses accept that before long, their lovers will move on to other mistresses and may even return to their wives, while others eventually succeed in wooing the men away from their spouses. Those in the latter case then find themselves in the position of worrying about karma. As British multibillionaire Sir Jimmy Goldsmith (who died surrounded by his wife, ex-wives and mistresses) pronounced: “When a man marries his mistress, he creates an automatic job vacancy.” advertisment
Abbott asserts that today’s mistresses are “less likely to depend financially on their lovers. Much more often they fall in love, usually with married men unwilling to divorce and regularize the relationship.” In that sense, it probably means no loss of financial support for the wife at home, which is actually one of the reasons many wives turn a blind eye to their husbands affairs. In fact, recent research has shown that a woman is more likely to leave her husband if she’s not being supported financially than if he is cheating on her, but where does that leave love? In today’s society, love is seen as the primary reason to get married in the first place, and many women place a high value on fidelity and www.ezineslimited.com
Your Style eZine
Lifestyle
by Naomi Garrick
Keisha Mascoll Age: 33 Profession at 23:
Marketer
Profession at 30:
Still a Marketer. (You don’t ever leave. Its like drugs, addictive.)
Fabulous in your 30s “Age ain’t nothing but a number.” “You are as young as you feel.” I’m sure you’re familiar with these adages. Many believe that one of the most personal questions you could ever ask a woman is her age, particularly if she feels she looks older than she actually is. Age 30 is when many women start turning back the clock, hoping to remain forever 29. However, there are many women out there who proudly own their 30s, embracing and celebrating each day as a gift. Check out our new monthly column Fabulous in Your 30s for a glimpse into the lives of Jamaica’s 30-something ladies.
One word that describes you at 30: Driven
can’t stop it; just enjoy it with grace.
Loving it or hating it? Loving it!
Three great things about being 30: 1. Chance to assess and reinvent 2. Friends and family 3. All the great things you are yet to experience.
What were your thoughts about becoming 30? It’s time to be the ‘responsible adult’. Life and profession in order, next! Onward and upwards! What had you hoped to accomplish by 30? My own home, a great career, start of a wonderful family. What have you actually accomplished at 30? ? My own home, a great career, a beautiful bunch of kids whom I adore but, unfortunately, none of my own. Is girls’ night out a thing of the past? Absolutely noooootttt! Hamburger or steak? Both. I love variety, love exploration and discovery What song describes you at 30? Survivor - Destiny’s Child Do you get offended when people ask your age? Absolutely not. You
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What do you look forward to in your 30s? Having my first child, owning a successful business. What are your goals for the next 30 years? Keep growing and learning in my career and business. Raising an amazing family. Some words of advice for the 20-somethings out there: Enjoy every moment. Live, love, laugh (Naomi’s motto). Push hard, but maintain balance. Be true to you, you are the one person who truly knows you and so you must be at peace with yourself. Trust your instincts and intuition. They were given to you for a reason. Learn from the mistakes of others; you don’t have to learn from your own.
Your Style eZine
Fashion
A
Bag-Age
stylish and functional ‘carry-alls’
s modern businesswomen, we have so many day-to-day demands and have to always be equipped to deal with anything that might pop up. We are never off the clock, from finishing up a presentation in the morning, a business meeting at lunch, carrying the kids to and from school, to working late then freshening up for a night out. It’s crucial that we always travel with the right bag, one that can hold all the tools and supplies we need to help us multitask while never sacrificing our style.
Dooney & Bourke Dillen II Satchel, US$248 = JA$21,330 This sophisticated vintage nude leather satchel is wearable with almost any outfit in any setting. Shown here in Chamois, the Dillen II is available in an array of fifteen other colours. Its top zipper allows for more security when you’re on the go.
Nine West Two Time Animal Tote, $8,600 This bag is perfect for presentation days with enough space for your laptop and even a projector. You’ll never be unprepared with this bag. Its main compartment has a width of six inches, which allows it hold all your day to day necessities.
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Michael Kors Large Hamilton Chain Tote with Silver Hardware, US$328 = JA$28,210 This is a perfect everyday bag, a true classic. It’s very spacious with many pockets for organization. The colour shown is Vanilla, but the bag is also available in a wide variety of colours. Double top handles allow for easy carriage and, for busy days at the office, its magnetic closure opens and closes in a snap.
Ivanka Trump Alexandrite Briefcase Flap Bag, US$150 = JA$12,900 Embody the boss lady herself with the Ivanka Trump ‘It’ executive bag. You’ll always be prepared with this bag, both fashion- and business-wise. Shown here in black, this bag is available in three other colours. When your hands are full, its adjustable strap allows it to be worn hands-free.
Tory Burch Orange Canvas, $11,440 Walk into the office with the status and modern touch of a Tory Burch bag. Not only is it exquisite, it can also carry a number of items. Also, a bright coloured bag like this can spice up your work attire.
Your Style eZine
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