these are the same women who raised me, often more than my own mother, not because she wasn’t there but because she worked 80 hours a week since i was born. none of them have daughters, i’m the only one, the only girl in a house of boys. having been raised by my aunts, i’m glad im the only girl. none of them deserve to have daughters, so they can hurt them the way they’ve hurt me? pit them against each other the same way they do to their boys? create a generation of anxious young girls, who will never get the validation and love they deserve because of their gender. girls deserve better.
no se the mira muy gorda la niña de saul? se miraba tan bonita cuando estaba chiquita, muy bonita. bien guerita y el pelo bien chino. ahora se mira como si ni se peina, ni se baña con los cachetes bien grandes como es el tiempo verdad —
its like if my body reflected age and everything i’ve endured god help if someone grows up
d e s p i t e everything i still grow d e s p i t e what they s p r e a d my spring will come too r i g h t ?
its not narcissistic to think people are constantly talking about you, spreading lies, their chisme about what i do, what i did wrong what i said wrong, how wrong my existance is,how my parents deserve better
my aunts project their feelings onto me their body issues, generational trauma and then when i absorb these issues, they gossip between themselves about them. they are the toxic soil i was planted into the weeds that show up when i grow, trying to sabatoge my growth and steal what little sun i get. but im relentless and they will not win. i am a cactus, i don’t need much, what my parents give me is enough. their words can’t hurt me anymore.
as im writing this im scared of going home for christmas break. i know i’ve gained weight i don’t really care college has been stressful and my body reflects that. it’s not the end of the world. ask me about my grades first and everything i’ve accomplised, ask me about my mental health, ask me anything except about the body i wish i could escape. you keep those questions to yourself. keep your thoughts to yourself.
fatima aguillon 2018