May 2023: Life in Full Color. Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous (FA)

Life in Fu Color

Grounded in R ecover y

Wh e n I w a s a c t i v e i n my d i se a s e o f f o o d a d d i c t i o n , I w a s a d r i f t . D u r i n g c h i l dh o o d , I e x p e r i e n c e d a k a l e i d o s c o p e o f t r a u m a s , f ro m p o v er t y to b e c o m i n g u nh o u s e d , to f o o d i n s e c u r i t y, to n o t a tte m p t i n g s c h o o l a s s i g n m e n t s i f I f o u n d t h e m to o c h a l l e n g i n g . S o i n a d u l t h o o d , o n ce I h a d m o re res o u rc e s a n d u n res t r i c te d a c c e s s to f o o d , I a b us e d f l o u r, s u g a r, a n d q u a n t it i e s , a n d co m m i t te d to n o t d o i n g t h i n g s t h a t re q u i re d to o m u c h e f f o r t o r e xceeded my ex isting ski l l set or know led ge b a s e.

I l e a r n e d h o w to us e f o o d l i k e a h o t a i r b a l l o o n . I u s e d f o o d to f l o a t t h ro u g h , a ro u n d , a n d a b o v e l i f e , a n d I c o n s t a n t l y fel t d isconnected. Under the inf l uence of food , I got hig h That w a s the best I could d o to c o p e w i t h c h a l l e n g e s , j o y s , my h u m a n s h o r tc o m i n g s , a n d p e r s i s te n t f e a r s , d o u b t s , a n d i ns e c u r i t i e s. I t h o u g h t t h a t i f I c o u l d n ’ t w a l k t h ro u g h l i f e a s i t

c a m e , I c o u l d c e r t a i n l y f l o a t t h ro u g h i t . But FA ha s been l i ke grav it y. It ha s helped me, one abstinent d ay at a time, to l i ve l i fe on l i fe’s terms w ith my feet on the g round a n d my m i n d f o c us e d o n my w i l l i n g n e s s to “fa ith-it-unti l-I-ma ke-it” and tr ust in my Hi g h er Po wer.

Th ro u g h re c o v e r y i n FA , I ’ v e c o m e to l e a r n t h at o n e o f t h e to u g h e s t c o n s eq u en ce s o f g ro w i n g up in t rauma w a s experiencing per va sive fear, doubt, and insec u r i t y. T h e g re a te r my f e a r, t h e g re a te r t h e q u a n t i t i e s o f f l o u r a n d s u g a r p ro d u c t s I co n s u m e d to hel p me cop e w ith that fe a r. I d i d n ’ t know t h at ’ s w h at I w a s d o i n g at t h e t i m e ; I jus t t h o u g h t I n e e d e d a l i t t l e s o m e t h i n g to t a k e t h e e d g e o f f. B e f o re j o i n i n g FA , f a cing my fears w ithout getting hig h on f lour a n d s u g a r s e em e d i m p o s s i b l e a n d p o i n tl e s s. Fo r e x a m p l e , I w a s a f r a i d to d r i v e , s o I rel ied on others or publ ic transpor tation to g et m e to w h ere I n e e d e d to b e. I w a s a f r a i d to b e a l o n e i n t h e d a r k , s o I s l e p t

I used food to oat through, around, and above life, and I constantly felt disconnected.

w i t h a b u tc h e r ’ s k n i f e n e a r my b e d a n d us e d a n i g h t l i g h t my g r a n d m o t h er g i f te d me. I w a s afra id to read a loud , so I avoided re a d i n g a l to g e t h e r, e v e n t h o u g h I w a s a h i g h s c h o o l te a c h e r. I w a s a l s o a f r a i d to l i ve w ithout feel ing stuffed and f i l led w ith f o o d , s o I ate v er y l a r g e q u a n t i t i e s m a ny t i m e s a d ay.

T h o s e w e re n ’ t my o n l y f e a r s , b u t t h e y were a m o n g t h e l o u d e s t a n d d ro v e m e to use food l i ke a dr ug unti l I wa s introduced

to FA b y a n e i g h b o r, w h o w a s i n h er l ate se venti es. She d irected me to the FA webs i te a n d I f o u n d a Mo n d ay n i g h t m e et i n g i n my a re a . I h a d s o m u c h f e a r a b o u t a t -

CAROL H , NM

ten d i n g my f i r s t FA m e et i n g t h at I a s k e d my p a r t n e r to a t te n d w i t h m e , a n d s h e d i d . Fo r t h e n e x t t w o m o n t h s o r s o, s h e a l s o d ro v e m e to a n d f ro m my w e e k e n d m e et i n g s.

Once I joined the program, I got a spons o r a n d c o m m i t te d to a f o o d p l a n . T h i s

m e a n t I c o u l d n o l o n g e r u s e f o o d to e sc a p e t h e f e e l i n g s o f s h a m e a n d i n a d eq u a c y t h at c a m e w i t h b e i n g to o a f r a i d to d r i v e a t 3 3 y e a r s o l d . In s te a d , I s t a r te d

t a l k i n g to my s p o n s o r o p e n l y a n d h o ne s t l y a b o u t my f e a r s a ro u n d d r i v i n g , a n d

I l e a r n e d to c o n n e c t w i t h my Hi g h e r Po wer. Ev en t u a l l y, I s t a r te d to d r i v e.

Fi r s t , my p a r t n e r w o u l d d r i v e to t h e

m e et i n g s w i t h m e a s a p a s s e n g e r, a n d I

w o u l d t a k e t h e s u b -

w a y b a c k h o m e . O n c e I g o t f a m i l i a r w i t h t h e ro u te , a n d

w i t h c o u r a g e a n d

t h e b e l i e f t h a t my Hi g h e r Po w e r w a s

t h e f e a r, a n d d r i v i n g a ny w ay. Th e f e a r s t i l l c o m e s u p s o m e t i m e s , b u t I a s k my

Hi g h e r Po w e r f o r h e l p a n d I m o v e f o rw a rd . S i m i l a r l y, I w a s a f r a i d to re a d . I d i d n ’ t re a d u n t i l I w a s s e v en y e a r s o l d , a n d I s t i l l str ug g le w ith decod ing and spel l ing some wo rd s. My f i r s t sp o ns o r s u g g e s te d I r a i s e my h a n d to re a d a p o r t i o n o f t h e FA

meeting format, a nd

has helped me take small actions, one day at a time, that have a big impact over time.

w i t h m e , I s t a r te d to d r i ve to a nd f rom that weekend FA meet-

i n g I k e p t d i s c u s s i n g t h e p o s s i b i l i t y o f getting into a n acci dent w ith my sp onsor, w h i c h w a s my p r i m a r y f e a r. S h e w o u l d p u t d r i v i n g i n to p e r s p e c t i v e , re m i n d i n g me that I had c ar insurance, that accidents h a p p e n , to f o c u s o n t i m e s w h e n I d i d n ’ t h a v e a n a c c i d e n t , a n d t h a t my Hi g h e r Po w e r w a s i n t h e c a r w i t h m e . No w , I d r i v e to a n d f ro m l o t s o f p l a ce s a n d h av e b e en i n t wo m i n o r a cc i d en t s B o t h t i m e s

I w a s s a f e . T h o s e s m a l l c o l l i s i o n s w e re wo r t h t h e f re e d o m t h at co m e s w i t h f e e ling fear, not eating add i cti vel y to suppress

I v e r y re l u c t a n t l y to ok her sug gesti on, b u t I w a s a f r a i d o f m i s p ro n o u n c i n g o r a c c i d e n t a l l y s k i pp i n g o v er wo rd s a s I had done in element a r y s c h o o l I a m s u re t h e s e e r ro r s h a p p e n e d , b u t to my s u r p r i s e , u n l i k e i n s c h o o l , n o o n e l a u g h e d o r m a d e f u n o f m e . In f a c t , o t h e r FA m e m b e r s o f te n s m i l e d a n d t h a n k e d m e f o r re a d i n g a n d d o i n g s er v i ce I s t a r te d to g a i n m o re s e l f e s te e m e a c h t i m e I r a i s e d my h a n d a n d g o t c a l l e d o n to re a d t h e f o r m a t . I w a s e ven able to commit some por tions of the f o r m a t to m e m o r y, w h i c h h e l p e d my re a d i n g f l u en c y a n d , b e s t o f a l l , e a s e d my f e a r s

One d ay, I expl a ined to my sponsor how I l o n g e d to re a d , b u t f o u n d re a d i n g mostl y boring and overl y cha l leng ing She

FA

s u g g e s te d I t r y to re a d l i g h t a n d f u n b o o k s f i r s t . S h e e v en m a i l e d my p a r t n er co p i e s o f a h u m o ro us b o o k t h at we re a d to gether. Pr i or to that b o ok, I could n ’ t rem em b er t h e l a s t t i m e I ’d f i n i s h e d a b o o k f rom cover to cover, but a s I continued to re a d p o r t i o ns o f Tw e n t y Fo u r Ho u r s a Da y a n d t h e A A B i g B o o k , I e v e n t u a l l y f i ni s h e d t h em.

O v er t i m e , I s t a r te d to en j o y re a d i n g . I re a d FA l i ter at u re a n d h av e e v en s t a r te d to re a d c o n te n t re l a te d to my p e r s o n a l a n d p ro f e s s i o n a l i n te re s t s . C o n s i s te n t l y read ing led me to accept a cha l lenge from my p a r t n er to re a d 2 1 b o o k s i n 2 0 2 1 . FA hel ped me to commit to that goa l. FA ha s h e l p e d m e t a k e sm a l l a c t i o ns , o n e d ay at a t i m e , t h at h av e a b i g i m p a c t o v er t i m e.

FA ha s taug ht me that I c a n do a ny thing I p u t my h e a r t a n d m i n d to, a n d I k n o w t h at t h e f a c t t h at I re a d h a s e v er y t h i n g to do w ith my recover y. When I am acti ve in f o o d a d d i c t i o n, I d o n ’ t d o t h i n g s t h at a re h a rd o r re q u i re m e to s t re tc h , b u t i n reco v er y, I d o t h o s e t h i n g s b e c aus e I k n o w t h at t h e m o re I s t retc h, t h e c l o s er I g et to my Hi g h er Po wer. A n d t h e c l o s er I a m to my Hi g h e r Po w e r, t h e m o re I e n j o y l i f e e x a c t l y a s i t co m e s.

Th ro u g h FA , I h av e b e en a b l e to e x p er ien ce my l i f e a s a s er i e s o f m a ny sm a l l m i ra c l e s. I d r i v e a n d t a k e p u b l i c t r a ns i t o n l y w h e n i t i s t h e m o s t l o g i c a l o r e n v i ro n -

m en t a l l y s o u n d o p t i o n. I n o l o n g er s l e e p w i t h a n i g h t l i g h t o r b u tc h e r ’ s k n i f e n e a r my b ed. I re ad out loud at FA meetings a s we l l a s to my s t u d en t s , my n i e ce , a n d my nephe w. I no longer eat f lour, sugar, or unm e a s u re d q u a n t i t i e s o f f o o d . I a m a b s t inent by the grace of my Hig her Power. FA h a s g i v en m e co n c rete a n d p r a c t i c a l d a i l y s u g g e s t i o ns to h e l p m e s t ay g ro u n d e d . It o f f er s m e a w ay o f l i f e t h at h a s t au g h t m e h o w to n a m e , c l a i m , a n d t a m e my f e a r s , d o u b t s , a n d i n s e c u r i t i e s , o n e a b s t i n e n t m e a l a t a t i m e , o n e p r a y er a t a t i m e , a n d one next rig ht action at a time. I no longer f e e l l i k e I a m a i m l e s s l y f l o a t i n g t h ro u g h l i f e a n d a d r i f t o n c l o u d s o f f e a r, d o u b t , a n d i ns e c u r i t y. I c a n b e e x a c t l y w h ere my f e et a re a n d g r ate f u l f o r t h e g re ate s t g i f t my Hi g h er Po wer h a s g i v en m e l i f e. I s t i l l w o r r y, b u t I d o my b e s t n o t to m a k e d e c i s i o ns b a s e d o n f e a r, d o u b t , a n d i ns e c u r i t y. L i v i n g a l i f e o f s a n e a n d h a p p y u s e f u l n e s s s t a r te d w h e n I n o l o n g e r d es i re d to us e f o o d l i k e a d r u g to co p e w i t h t h e t r a u m a s a n d f e a r s i n my l i f e . FA h a s h e l p e d m a k e my l i f e m o re s t a b l e a n d a nc h o re d . I a m g r a te f u l to f e e l m o re grounded. I am gratef ul to know that I am d i re c t l y co n n e c te d to my Hi g h er Po wer, s o I d o n ’ t n e e d to g et h i g h o n f o o d . I d o my b e s t to t h a n k my Hi g h er Po wer d a i l y f o r FA a s my g r av i t y.

Je s s i ca R . , Wa sh i ng t o n D C , U S

Learning to Tr ust

When I rst c a me into FA, I d idn’t real l y want a sponsor. I went to meetings for t wo weeks a nd menta l l y rejected a l l the ava i lable sp onsors, e yeing them in l i g ht of a mental l ist of constantl y changing criteria , de ning the “perfect” sponsor I would hold out for. She had to be p er fect, b ec ause I was operating out of fear. at one ’ s too agg re ssive lo oki ng. at one ’ s chin stick s out too far e self-c r iti c a l , judgmental thoughts I b attered myself

w ith were projected out onto the ava i lable sponsors.

One night, a fellow stood up, and I felt acceptance. I heard a voice in my head saying , ere ’ s my s ponsor, so I went up to her.

She w a s per fect for me consci enti ous, kind , sma r t, a nd ded i c ated , but fe a r sti l l g r i pp ed me. I d i d n ’ t w a nt to tel l her my problems. I kne w she would think I w a s

c ra z y. Or re a l l y, I kne w she would g ure

out I w a s c ra z y. I w a s af ra i d of c r iti cism, jud g ment, a nd of ma king a si l l y mista ke that would be l abeled a brea k. One d ay, I made a mistake with my food and was too afra id to c a l l my sponsor. I c a l led a fel low instead, and a l l she sa id wa s, “Oh, yes. We c a l l our sp onsors. Ca l l your sp onsor. ” So I d id.

en the next day, I made the exact same mista ke a ga in a nd star ted yel l ing at myself, out loud, “ You’re a n i d i ot!” Ca l ming down, I real ized that’s why we cal l our sponsors. She’s not going to c a l l me a n i d i ot. And she d i d n ’ t. She l istened , a sked me questions about how I had gotten into the bind , a nd hel p ed me g ure out a pl a n to take better care of myself. She told me, “I’m not tr ying to control you. ”

It’s so ne w to rel y on someone el se, to begin to trust and ask for help, and to have faith that someone else cares.

Carolyn L., California, US

SUSAN F , NY

Hear tbrea k and Hea l ing

My daughter estranged herself from me a few years ago, and I did not deal with it well. I cried for months, journaling my anger, and when the thought occurred to me that I was hating my daughter, I went for counseling. I asked myself, “ What kind of a mother hates her daughter?” My counselor suggested that the best thing I could do for my daughter was to take care of myself.

I had been in another Twelve-Step program for food a while ago. I never made a conscious decision to leave, but rst I missed one meeting and then another until its importance in my life seemed to dwindle. My life began to spiral down, which brought me to some dark places.

I knew I needed to go back to a Twelve-Step program because that was the time in my life when I felt most peaceful.

ere are no in-person FA meetings in my cit y, but because of Covid and the fact that meetings are accessible on virtual platforms, I was able to give FA a tr y. I am so grateful that God put FA at the top of my internet search that day.

My top weight was 210 pounds, but when I came to my rst FA meeting I was 155 pounds and climbing. I chose a sponsor that night and was a little shocked at all the things

I was being asked to do, including my “ stupidly” early morning phone call. But God blessed me with the gi of desperation.

Early on, ever yone I spoke with suggested I pray the resentment prayer for my daughter ever y day, as suggested in the AA Big Book. I wrote out a prayer and, still to this day, read it to God ever y morning.

As my life in recover y began, I got busy organizing my new daily routine. I got on my knees as I rolled out of bed, did my reading, and called my sponsor. I shopped, chopped, and weighed my food. I made painful calls to strangers and learned to ask God for help to know what I would talk to them about.

A few months into my FA program, I heard through the grapevine that my daughter took her counselor’s suggestion and went to see a psychiatrist, who diagnosed her with bipolar disorder and put her on medication.

At Christmas, I received a card in the mail from her. I put the envelope on my lap and said a prayer to thank God for the letter and to ask for strength and courage in case it was hurtful.

ere was a card, a letter, and ten pictures of her. It was hard for me to read her note that said I could hang the pictures on the fridge, frame them, or burn them, as she was doing this for herself.

e rest of the letter spoke about the new man in her life and that it could be a longterm relationship. She decided that if she marries, she’d want me at the wedding and that if she has children, she wants her children to know their grandmother.

She mentioned that she’s not yet sure how we can co-exist in this world together and that her counselor has ideas about how we can have a relationship in the future. She explained that I won ’ t hear from her anytime soon, and that she didn’t want to hear from me either.

I took a quiet time and let it all settle in my mind, and I heard that I needed to make a list of things I could be grateful for. I actually ended up with a longer list than I had expected.

At least I got a card this year, and my family members also got cards. My daughter’s rejection of me had given me distance, time, and the desperation I needed to go back to a program of recover y and put in the needed effort. I wrote and mailed her a beautif ul Christmas card. When I told my sister about the letter and how I replied, she said, “ Who are you and what have you done with my sis-

ter?”

Before I found FA, this t ype of thing would have sent me into the depths of despair and depression, but instead, by the grace of God, I’m learning to deal with life as it comes. A month later, in Januar y, I received an email from my daughter with the subject heading “Five things I love about you. ” She actually threw in what she called a “Bonus #6.” One item on the list read, “ at you love me even when I act like I don’t love you. ” I cried in front of my laptop for t wo hours before I replied. I thanked her for her kind words, told her how I missed her terribly, and shared that I hoped she would stay in touch because my world is a better place with her in it.

is email was beyond my wildest dreams.

ere was nothing in the letter about future contact, but that was okay. I believe that in God’s time, when we ’ re both ready, it will happen.

I have a new found hope today. While I’ve been weighing and measuring my food and working my tools, God’s been busy helping both of us heal.

Carm, Canada

ROBYN M , NY

B e Qui et

Has anyone ever told you to listen to your g ut or use your intuition? ese common phra ses were throw n at me many times before recover y. When people made these sug gestions, my rst response was anger. I would get almost violent because I never could access that quiet, knowing place inside, and I felt out of control. I was out of touch with a gut instinct or quiet, intuitive voice because my pipelines were clogged with sugar, our, and negativit y.

Eating would temporarily numb my fearf ul feel ings, but the e ects would wear o quickly. My eating and my life became unmanageable. I was running from myself and running from the truth.

When I rst joined FA, my sponsor wa s ver y clear that I needed to do a half-hour of quiet time e ver y morning. During one of my rst calls with her, I was letting her know how great my quiet time was. I said something like, “It was so nice just sipping co ee and doing my na i l s in peace and quiet.” It was then I found out that quiet time meant sitting completely still for 30 minutes with no distractions, no multitasking , nothing.

I thought, Are you kidding me? I don’t think I’ve ever sat still for ve minutes without doing something, let alone a whole 30 minutes I be-

grudgingly took her suggestion, and it was during that ver y next quiet time w hen I heard a still, small voice nudging me to let go of a ver y tox ic rel ationship. Darn that quiet time! Find ing these things out is exactly why I didn’t want to sit with myself, despite realizing that the still, small nudge was my Higher Power, and this was the start to a new relationship with God. Nothing happened overnig ht, but I e ventua l l y got the clarit y and willingness to move on from that relationship.

e promises of the program from the AA Big Book include, “ We will intuitively know how to handle situations which used to ba e us. ” I have come upon many dicult life situations in recover y, but one of the most memorable experiences comes to mind when I think about the tool of quiet time.

I w a s pregnant w ith my third chi ld and found out in my rst trimester that she had Down Syndrome. Upon hearing this news, my head felt like it was going to explode. I felt pulled in a thousand directions, none of which was peacef ul or positive. I had drastic thoughts of harming myself and my unborn child.

I remembered a passage from the Twent yFour Hour a Day book that read, “ We don’t

ma ke decisions out of an emotiona l upheaval.” I knew what that meant; that darn quiet time. I kept taking it to quiet time.

A fe w weeks l ater, I heard my Hig her Power remind me how I used to think being a food add ict w a s the worst thing in the world and now I think it’s the best thing that ha s e ver happened to me. e thoug ht

c ame to me, Maybe this is just fear? I knew in my heart that the onl y rea son I d idn’t w ant this baby w a s bec ause of the w ay she w a s going to look. How embarra ssing w a s that to admit? But the truth and med itation set me free.

From the moment of my d aug hter’s bir th unti l this ver y d ay, God completely turned my attitude around. I have ne w e yes for Dow n Sy ndrome, just l i ke I have a ne w attitude about food, and my heart, not my head, explodes many times a day. Quiet time works. Another challenge came a few years ago, during my fourth pregnanc y, when I felt a lump in my brea st. No big g ie, I thoug ht. A er three kids, I knew lumps and bumps were just mammar y g l and s preparing me

for breastfeeding. Again, in one of my quiet times, I heard that sti l l, sma l l voice tel l ing me to get it checked out, so I did. Ten days l ater, I w a s told I had brea st c ancer and needed to star t treatment rig ht aw ay. Although I was in shock that I had to do all this w hi le pregnant, I a l so saw that God turns countless situations from curses to blessings. I kne w I’d be okay, regard less of the prognosis.

L ater in my treatment, the doctor told me that if I hadn ’ t come in w hen I d id , the outcome mig ht have been ver y di erent due to how a g gressi ve the c ancer w a s. Althoug h neither of these situations wa s w hat I would have chosen for myself, I can now say I wouldn ’ t change a thing. I have learned that God uses ever ything for good.

e longer I stay abstinent, do my tools, and work the steps, the more the still, small voice continues to become a prominent and loving guide. e peace and friendship that come from hang ing out w ith my Hig her Power is the gi that keeps on giving.

Anonymous

XANDRA G , CA

R e w ir ing My Bra in

Ihave no idea w hen my food add iction

b ega n. As I lo ok b ack, I c a n see that I

h a d a b n o r m a l t h o u g h t s a n d b e h a vi ors a round fo o d throug hout my l i fe, but I d i d not reco g nize these a s unusua l unti l

I w a s in my e a r l y 20s. I v i v i d l y rememb er, d u r i n g a c o m m e rc i a l b re a k f ro m a T V

show, sta nd ing in

f ro n t o f a j a r o f

c a n d y t r y i n g to

f i g u re o u t h o w I

c o u l d t a k e s i x

p i e c e s b u t m a k e

it lo ok l i ke I to ok

o n l y t w o. I remember thinking

to my s e l f t h a t a

“ n o r m a l ” p e r s o n

w o u l d j u s t g r a b

t h e s i x t h e y

w a n te d a n d n o t

c a re w h a t o t h e r s

thoug ht, but I c a red a lot ab out w hether

o t h e r s w e re j u d g i n g my e a t i n g h a b i t s ,

ma inl y bec ause I w a s a lw ays jud g ing other

p e o p l e . I t h o u g h t t h a t m a y b e a n o r m a l

p e r s o n w o u l d t a k e t h e a c c e p t a b l e t w o

a nd b e content, but I kne w that t wo were

n o t g o i n g to s at i s f y m e a n d t h at I wo u l d

b e c o n s t a n t l y t h i n k i n g a b o u t t h e f o u r I

h a d l e f t b e h i n d . I t h o u g h t t h a t m a y b e a

n o r m a l p e r s o n w o u l d w a l k a w a y e m p t y ha nded a nd return to their show, but I rema ined in the kitchen, p a ra l y zed by w hat

I c a m e to u n d e r s t a n d w a s my d i s e a s e o f fo o d add i cti on.

At 1 2 y e a r s o l d , I we i g h e d 1 2 5 p o u n d s a nd w a s prob abl y a ro u n d 5 - f e e t , 3i n c h e s t a l l . At scho ol , our physic a l e d u c a t i o n te a c h e r p i n c h e d t h e b a c k o f o u r a r m s w i t h s o m e d e v i c e a n d marked a number i n a b ox . In t h e l o c k e r ro o m , w e a l l c o m p a re d s c o re s . I w a s e l ate d to re a l i ze I h a d s c o re d t h e h i g h e s t , X L , a s s u m i n g hi g h scores me a nt the b est. I had no i de a t h a t t h e n u m b e r a t t h e to p o f t h e p a g e me a nt ob ese. I rememb er proud l y ha nding the paper to my mom af ter school and f e e l i n g d i s b e l i e f a n d s h o c k w h e n h e r comment w a s, “O h my G-d. You a re f at. ”

Th e h u m i l i a t i o n o f h a v i n g s h a re d my

LISA N , CAN

score w ith e ver y bod y, the rea l iz ati on that I re a l l y d i d n ’ t lo ok l i ke the prett y g ir l s at s c h o o l , i n m a g a z i n e s , a n d i n m o v i e s , h i t me l i ke a ton of bri cks. My mom took me to a d o c to r, w h o w a s f u r i o u s a t t h e scho ol’s inadequate metho d of determining bod y size. He conv inced her I w a s sti l l g ro w i n g a n d s a i d n o t to w o r r y a b o u t i t . A l thoug h that wor ked for my mom, the d a ma ge w a s done for me. That score imm e d i ate l y d a m a g e d my sp i r i t a n d b ro k e my abi l it y to see w hat I re a l l y lo oked l i ke. When my son sta r ted kinderga r ten, the chi ld ren w ith sp eci a l need s were not segregated out of the genera l cl a ssroom. The te a c h e r e x p l a i n e d t h a t b r a i n s w e re a bunch of w ires red s connecting to red s, g re e n s to g re e n s , e tc . Fo r s o m e p e o p l e , she s a i d , the w ires d i d not connect a nd it mig ht seem l i ke these chi ldren get specia l a t te n t i o n o r f av o r i t i s m , b u t re a l l y i t w a s t h e te a c h e r t r y i n g to h e l p c o n n e c t t h e w ires. As my son g leef ul l y d re w a pi cture of his versi on of the bra in, I sta red at the s c r i b b l e d m e s s o f c r a y o n s a n d re a l i z e d this w a s t r ue for me, to o. Things don’t a lw a y s m a tc h - u p. A l t h o u g h I a m v e r y s m a r t , l e f t to my o w n d e v i c e s , my b r a i n b ecomes completel y unha rnessed.

A s my d i s e a s e o f f o o d a d d i c t i o n p rog re s s e d , I f o u n d my s e l f e a t i n g f o o d s a t sho cking sp eed a nd in g re at qua ntiti es. I ate i n h i d i n g , re f us e d to s h a re t h e “ g o o d stuff ” w ith my chi ld ren, I stopp ed co ok-

ing , and abused dri ve-thr us. I stopped tr y-

i n g to m a k e e xc u s e s f o r t h e e xc e s s i v e amount s of binge food s I w a s buy ing , and ate qua ntiti es that l itera l l y made me si ck. Eventua l l y, food bec ame the rea son to get out of b ed in the morning .

With the inc re a se of fo o d c a me the inc re a s e o f w e i g h t . Wi t h t h e i n c re a s e o f weig ht c ame more negative, unharnessed, and c ra z y thinking. I w a s too emoti ona l l y and physic a l l y ex hausted for ba sic grooming a nd house cle a ning . Fo o d sta ins covered my clothes a nd I to ok dow n most of my mirrors. I had to order clothes onl ine a s stores d i d not c a rr y my size.

Th e h u m i l i a t i n g e x p e r i e n c e s o f b e i n g 3 0 0 p o u n d s a re en d l e s s . My m e d i c a l i nsurance company contacted me to tel l me I qua l i f i ed for ga st r i c by p a ss surger y. My l i f e i n s u r a n c e c o m p a ny re f u s e d to i nc re a s e my c o v e r a g e , a n d my d o c to r t h re aten e d h i g h b l o o d p re s s u re m e d i c ati on, w a rning that d i ab etes w a s ine v itable i f I c o n t i n u e d my p a t h . Th e r a p i s t s p res c r i b e d “h a p p y p i l l s ” a n d n u t r i t i o n i s t s d r a f te d o u t f o o d p l a n s , b u t I re m a i n e d u n d i s c i p l i n e d , u n m o t i v a te d , m i s e r a b l e , a nd hop eless. I had long a go stopp ed t r ying d i et s b ec ause I kne w nothing wor ked for me.

Then I c a me into FA to prove that this, to o, wo u l d n o t wo r k f o r m e. I d i d , h o we ver, have enoug h cl a r it y to re a l ize that I had s ab ota ged e ver y p a st attempt to lose

we i g h t . I a m t h a n k f u l f o r my g i f t o f d e sperati on, defeat, and determinati on to tr y to p ro v e t h a t t h i s Pro g r a m , e v en i f I f o llowed it, would not wor k either.

W h e n my s p o n s o r m a d e s u g g e s t i o n s t h at s e em e d i n n o w ay d i et re l ate d , s u c h a s read ing the l iterature, ma king c a l l s, and doing quiet time, I fol lowed them. I d idn’t d o i t p er f e c t l y, h a p p i l y, o r w i t h o u t ju d gment, e ye rol l ing , or g r umbl ing , but I d i d do it. Within the f irst fe w weeks, the fo o d fo g l i f ted enoug h for me to see the rel i ef of w a iting unti l my next me a l versus b e ating myself up for bre a king , yet a ga in, the d i e t p l a n - o f - t h e- d a y. I f e l t l i g h te r i n my step just know ing I wa s fol low ing throug h on a pl a n. I got rel i ef f rom re a l izing I w a s n o t t h e o n l y m i s w i re d p er s o n o u t t h ere , a n d s aw a sp a r k o f h o p e t h at m a y b e t h i s p ro g r a m c o u l d re a s s e m b l e my m i n d , e l i m i n a te t h e f a t , a n d d a re I h o p e br ing me out of my miser y.

I c a me into FA in June 2010 at 5-feet, 4i n c h e s t a l l a n d 3 4 0 p o u n d s , a n d n o w I wei g h 127 p ound s.

A s I p ro g re s s e d t h ro u g h re co v er y, s a ni t y, a n d a n o r m a l b o d y, I c a m e to u n d ersta nd that l i fe sti l l had it s ups a nd dow ns. Th e re w a s n o h a p p y p i n k c l o u d t h a t I could r i de on fore ver. FA d i d not le ad me i n to a h e a v e n l y e u p h o r i a w h e re e v e r yt h i n g i s p e r f e c t , b u t i t l e d m e o u t o f my ow n hel l. For that, I a m eterna l l y g ratef ul.

Kare n W., Wash i ng t on, US

Our common welfare should come rst; personal recovery depends on FA unity.

For our group purpose there is but one ultimate authority – a loving God as He may express Himself in our group conscience. Our leaders are but trusted servants; they do not govern. The only requirement for FA membership is a desire to stop eating addictively.

Each group should be autonomous except in matters a ecting other groups or FA as a whole.

Each group has but one primary purpose –to carry its message to the food addict who still su ers.

An FA group ought never endorse, nance or lend the FA name to any related facility or outside enterprise, lest problems of money, property and prestige divert us from our primary purpose.

Every FA group ought to be fully self-supporting, declining outside contributions.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous should remain forever nonprofessional, but our service centers may employ special workers.

FA, as such, ought never be organized; but we may create service boards or committees directly responsible to those they serve.

Food Addicts in Recovery Anonymous has no opinion on outside issues, hence the FA name ought never be drawn into public controversy.

Our public relations policy is based on attraction rather than promotion; we need always maintain personal anonymity at the level of press, radio and lms.

Anonymity is the spiritual foundation of all our Traditions, ever reminding us to place principles before personalities.

Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Turning Point

I’ ve ne ver felt a s desperate for recover y a s I d i d the d ay I had my l a st binge. I w a s in my 20s w hen I f irst c a me into FA . I h a d b e e n b i n g e i n g o u t o f c o n t ro l , wa s bul imic, tried star v ing myself, and had s u i c i d a l t h i n k i n g . I w a s n e g a t i v e , a n g r y, a n d f e a r f u l . Ev e r y d a y w a s a l o n g b i n g e , a n d I f o u n d n o re l i e f f ro m my ob s e s s i o n w i t h f o o d . A l l I c o u l d t h i n k a b o u t w a s w h i c h f o o d store to go to next.

O n c e I g o t i n to FA , my l i f e w a s g o o d , b u t my p e rs p e c t i v e o f i t w a s n e g a t i v e . I n e v e r

w a n te d to f e e l u ncomfor table. I d idn’t u n d e r s t a n d w h a t p eople in FA me a nt w h e n t h e y s a i d a t m e e t i n g s to “ g e t c o m f o r t a b l e w i t h b e i n g u n c o m f o r table.” I resented those word s. I w a s w hite

knuckl ing my abstinence throug h st ressf ul scho ol situati ons a nd the t ra nsiti on of mov ing aw ay from my parent s. I w a s ma ki n g s c h o o l to o i m p o r t a n t a n d w a n te d to

b e d o n e w i t h i t . In s te a d o f l i s te n i n g a t m e e t i n g s f o r h o w to g e t t h ro u g h t h e s e s t re s s f u l t i m e s , I f o c u s e d o n c o m p a r i n g e ver yone ’ s recover y to my ow n. I had a lot o f a r ro g a n c e a n d w a s aw a re o f m a ny t h o u g h t s t h a t to l d m e I w a s b e t te r t h a n o t h er p e o p l e. I w a sn ’ t t re at i n g o r t a l k i n g a b o u t t h e n e g a t i v e w a y o f t h i n k i n g t h a t e n c o m p a s s e d e v e r y a re a of my l i fe. I d i dn ’ t a d m i t to my s e l f that this w a s a probl em i n my p er s o n a li t y t h a t w a s s e p a r a t i n g m e f ro m o t h e r p e o p l e a n d a ny kind of spir itua l l i fe.

I b e g a n to f e e l t h e s e n e g a t i v e t h o u g h t s g e t t i n g i n t h e w a y o f my h o ne s t y w i t h my s p o ns o r. I l i e d to my s e l f a n d to h e r. I b e g a n o v e r - e xe rc i s i n g a n d n o t te l l i n g h e r. I s t a r te d u s i n g f o o d i te m s t h a t s h e h a d g u i d e d m e to av o i d . I s e a rc h e d f o r o t h er p ro g r a ms to j o i n, e v en t h o u g h my sp o nsor had sug gested I stay aw ay f rom onl ine

I took a bite of anger, then fear, and nally, food. at was the saddest day of my 20s. No one could take the pain of the binge away. .... I felt horrible. at binge was a personal breaking point for me.

s e a rc h e s . I f e l t m o re a n d m o re d i s c o nnected f rom FA, a nd af ter a st ressf ul conv e r s a t i o n a b o u t my w e i g h t w i t h my sp o ns o r, I to o k a b i te o f a n g er, t h en f e a r, and f ina l l y, food. That w a s the saddest d ay of my 20s. No one could ta ke the p a in of the binge aw ay. I made c a l l s. I ta l ked w ith my p a rent s. I ta l ked w ith Go d. I fel t horr ible.

Th a t b i n g e w a s a p e r s o n a l b re a k i n g p o i n t f o r m e . S o m e t h i n g re l e a s e d i n my spir it that d ay. Go d had g i ven me a nother cha nce to get abstinent. Suddenl y at that turning point, I rea l ized that if I put my recover y in FA f irst, e ver y thing would work out the w ay Go d w a nted it to. My recover y f ina l l y to ok pr i or it y in my he a r t.

As d ays turned into weeks, months, a nd i n to m o re t h a n s i x y e a r s o f a b s t i n en c e , I see more a nd more of my FA fel lows embrace this way of l ife, and it becomes easier to rel y on my f a ith in Go d to understa nd how this pro g ra m wor ks.

I s t i l l h o l d my m o m e n t o f d e s p e r a t i o n insi de of me a nd t r y to rel i ve it e ver y time I a m tempted to veer aw ay into some momentar y plea sure l i ke food , mone y, work, o r g et t i n g o v er l y b us y t h i n g s t h at l o o k great at the time, but onl y bring pain at the end. The bre a k I had sti l l moti vates me to wor k the FA pro g ra m the w ay I do to d ay. My l i f e d e p e n d s o n my m a i n t a i n i n g a happy a nd purp osef ul abstinence.

Anony mou s

We admitted we were powerless over food – that our lives had become unmanageable. Came to believe that a Power greater than ourselves could restore us to sanity. Made a decision to turn our will and our lives over to the care of God as we understood Him.

Made a searching and fearless moral inventory of ourselves.

Admitted to God, to ourselves, and to another human being the exact nature of our wrongs.

Were entirely ready to have God remove all these defects of character.

Humbly asked Him to remove our shortcomings.

Made a list of all persons we had harmed, and became willing to make amends to them all.

Made direct amends to such people wherever possible, except when to do so would injure them or others.

Continued to take personal inventory and when we were wrong promptly admitted it. Sought through prayer and meditation to improve our conscious contact with God as we understood Him, praying only for knowledge of His will for us and the power to carry that out.

Having had a spiritual awakening as the result of these steps, we tried to carry this message to food addicts and to practice these principles in all our a airs. Adapted with permission from Alcoholics Anonymous

Wa l king Miracle

Iw a s 64 years old w ith se vere groin and

h i p p a i n . I wo n d ere d i f I co u l d co n -

t i n u e wo r k i n g i n my p ro f e s s i o n b e-

c ause of my he a l th concerns. A l thoug h I

h a d l o s t 3 5 p o u n d s b y f o l l o w i n g t h e FA

p ro g r a m a n d h a d

b e en a b s t i n en t f o r nine months, neither

t h e we i g h t l o s s n o r the physi c a l therapy

w a s sol v ing my p a in

a n d m o b i l i t y p ro b -

l em s . Th e p a i n h a d

b e co m e s o u n b e a rable that I could not

w a l k at a l l w ithout a

w a l k er, a n d I o f ten

h a d to s t a n d at FA

m e et i n g s . Th e p a i n

w a s so d istracting at wor k a nd in meetings that I w a s of ten in tears.

S h o r t l y a f ter my s i x t y - f i f t h b i r t h d a y, I consulted a physician concerning the pa in and my decrea sed mobi l it y. Af ter a seri es of X-rays, physi c a l therapy, and ana l ysis, I

w a s d i a g nosed w ith se vere osteo a r thr itis

i n b o t h h i p s t h at wo u l d re q u i re b i l ater a l

h i p re p l a cem en t s u r g er y. B e c au s e o f my “ norma l” weig ht, I w a s a c and i d ate to have both hips repl aced in one surger y. Understand abl y, I had fear about the procedure, anesthesia , hospital food, and maintaining my abstinence. I had f e a r o f t h e f u t u re . But I had no choi ce about the surger y, so I h a d to a cce p t a n d t r u s t t h e p ro ce s s . I d i d t h i s b y p r a y i n g a n d u s i n g t h e to o l s we re a d at e v er y FA meeting.

Im m e d i ate l y f o llow ing surger y, I wa s a d m i t te d to a re h ab i l i t at i o n h o sp i t a l f o r t wo m o n t h s o f extensi ve physic a l therapy, rest, and hospital food. I had to sleep on my back with ice packs and pumps for circul ati on on both legs for w hat seemed l i ke weeks. I w a s unco m f o r t a b l e . My d i g e s t i o n s to p p e d f o r ne a r l y ten d ays, a nd I could not e at sol i d food for se vera l d ays. The longer I w a s in the hospita l , the more powerless I felt and

W hat seemed like a hardship actually allowed me to come out the other side more healed physically, emotionally, and spiritually and stronger in my abstinence and in my program.

the more fear f ul I bec ame.

The most d iff icult thing about this t wom o n t h s t a y w a s t h e h o sp i t a l f o o d . I req u e s te d t h e f o o d o n my f o o d p l a n b u t I could not get what I needed from the hosp i t a l . A n FA f e l l o w b ro u g h t i n my s c a l e a n d s o m e f o o d t h at I k e p t i n my ro o m . Tw i ce , t h e f o o d my FA f e l l o w s b ro u g h t w a s t h ro w n aw a y b y h o sp i t a l s t a f f, a n d I tem p o r a r i l y p a n i c k e d . My sp o n s o r rem i n d e d m e t h at I wo u l d n o t s t a r v e . My h o sp i t a l f l o o r d i d n o t h av e a s c a l e f o r weig hing myself. I w a s powerless. I a sked f o r h e l p. My sp o n s o r a n d h er sp o n s o r were s u p p o r t i v e a n d b ro u g h t f o o d . Fe llows c a l led and c ame to my room to supp or t my recover y. I committed my fo o d b y p h o n e to my sp o n s o r, w h o wo r k e d w ith me on the hospita l food.

I j o i n e d a p h o n e AWO L w h i l e I w a s hospita l ized. I rel i ed on the fel lowship of t h e p ro g r a m a n d my Hi g h er Po wer f o r h e l p. D u r i n g t h i s t i m e , my s u r g e o n , t h e n u r s e s , a n d t h e re h a b i l i t at i o n s t a f f were impressed w ith the sp eed at w hi ch I w a s recovering. The y were a l so curi ous about my food program. My sponsor reminded me to use my quiet time w hi le I w a s in the hospita l. I had plent y of oppor tunities for qui et time, especia l l y at nig ht.

Th i s m o n t h i s t h e t h i rd a n n i v er s a r y o f t h at s u r g er y. I n o w w a l k n o r m a l l y a n d w i t h o u t a ny p a i n . I h av e a f u l l r a n g e o f

m o v em en t i n b o t h h i p s a n d l e g s . I a m f ul l y recovered. I am abstinent. I have returned to my professional career f ul l time. I a m 6 8 y e a r s o l d a n d f e e l b et ter t h a n I have in years. I am in a rig ht-sized bod y. I real ize the blessings of being able to stand, prep a re a nd wei g h my fo o d , a nd e at in a lovel y env ironment inste ad of sitting on the ed ge of a bed w ith a tray in a hospita l. I continue to happi l y a nd p e acef ul l y l i ve alone, mow the law n, paint, sand and stain my deck, and ma inta in my home. I attend t h re e co m m i t te d i n - p er s o n m e et i n g s a week. I sponsor and I am sponsored. I joyf ul l y hold ser v ice positions in a l l my committed meetings and encoura ge others to d o t h e s a m e . I co m p l ete d t h e p h o n e AWO L that I star ted in the hospita l , and a m a b o u t to b e g i n my f i r s t i n - p er s o n AWOL. I am gratef ul. I am committed to the Steps, to recover y, and to the FA program.

What seemed l i ke a hardship actual l y all o we d m e to co m e o u t t h e o t h er s i d e m o re h e a l e d p hy s i c a l l y, em o t i o n a l l y, a nd spir itua l l y a nd st ronger in my abs t i n en ce a n d i n my p ro g r a m . Ye s , t h ere were t h e u n k n o w n s a n d b u m p s i n t h e ro ad ab out cer ta in things, a nd there sti l l are. Li fe happens. But there w a s and continues to be a silver l ining. I am trul y gratef ul.

s

Leaping Into Acti on

Ever y year we go to my cousin’s house for anksgiving. Although we eat the traditional foods, the dishes are quite compl icated, made from recipes my cousin prints from the New York Times. Typically, there is something fancy, and de nitely not abstinent, added to each dish. Even her salads are complicated, containing a mixture of toppings and a dousing of sugar-laden dressing.

is year, I volunteered to bring a salad so at the ver y least, I would be able to eat what I brought. As I put the salad on the counter, she looked at my simple bowl of vegetables

and said, “ Would you l ike to add some of these toppings? I have extra. ” She reached over to add the toppings, and before I could even think, I leapt in front of the salad, protectively shielding the bowl with my body. Realizing what that must have looked like, I backed up a few steps, smiled, and said cheerfully, “No, thanks!” as I moved the salad safely to the bu et table.

It was a close call, but I managed to keep the salad abstinent, despite the best e orts of my cousin and her New York Times subscription.

Deborah F., Mar yland, US

SUSANC ,UK

God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and wisdom to know the di erence.