My True Colors

I was about 14 years old, helping my mom set things out on a picnic table, when I heard my dad say that I took after his side of the family, who were "on the hippy side, too." I was stunned. I had on a pair of Bermuda shorts in a light khaki color, and later that day I looked in the mirror and noticed that the lighter color tended to draw more attention to my lower half. I was not fat, but I did carry a little extra weight on my hips. 

From then on, I chose only dark colors from the waist down. I never wore anything with horizontal stripes, and never, ever, wore bright, warm colors like reds, hot pinks, or oranges. I didn’t want any attention called to my figure, especially when I started gaining weight.

Food was an important emotional factor in our family. I began to use food as a buffer to ease discomfort and keep feelings of inferiority at bay. Food acted as an emotional bandage and cured everything from skinned knees to loneliness, because for several years I was a "latchkey” kid. My folks celebrated the end of the work week with scrumptious food every Friday night. I learned to bake by watching my mom. 

As a teenager, I had the usual self-consciousness about my looks.  I was not fat, but no one would call me skinny. If I received bright-colored clothes for Christmas or my birthday, I only wore them as a layer with darker colors. Every time I saw myself in a mirror or reflection in a store window or glass door, I checked to see if my hips looked too big, and they always did. 

About 50 years later, I found FA. I rejoiced when I lost 10 inches off my hips. When it came to clothing size, losing those inches made all the weighing and measuring of my food, going to meetings, using the tools of the program, or any inconvenience doing service, of little matter. 

Today, I am careful when I pick out clothing because I still have vague feelings of doubt and insecurity when it comes to my appearance; however, the abject humiliation is gone. I have white, khaki, and pastel-colored pants in my wardrobe. I have shirts with horizontal stripes and red, hot pink, orange, chartreuse green, and bright yellow skirts and blouses. I no longer fear these colors. I have a new attitude about myself. It did not happen overnight, but I see positive changes almost every day, and I am grateful that FA, my Higher Power, and my sponsor have helped me deal with the ups and downs of life.  I know I could not have done it on my own.