A Good Deal

Healing from my active food addiction in FA has been an eye-opening journey. I came into the program at approximately 230 pounds. When I found Program, I was already on a diet, but I was looking for an online community to lean on and help me understand how I had spiraled. It wasn’t my decision to start a new diet. My family intervened because my relatives were worried about my health and my sudden weight gain (40 pounds). So I decided to lose weight for them and their peace. I didn’t care about myself. I had abandoned myself a long time ago. 

In my first 90 days, things were rough. But I kept doing the program because I was seeing how serene and calm the other fellows were in my meetings. I wanted that so badly. Looking back, I see the benefit of my suffering because it served as motivation to never get back to that place again. 

My first 90 days of abstinence was a period of grieving and yearning for my chaotic food habits. It felt weird, pretentious, and even scary to say, “Thank you, but I am not eating flour and sugar.” I was 24 years old and still frightened of disappointing people. That is why I decided to still check out a food festival that was happening in my village.  The FREE food festival!  

In true Eastern European fashion, there was a lot of entertainment blended with the smell and noise of food stands. I was vulnerable and overwhelmed. I kept thinking to myself, This is so stupid but also a little bit funny, a food addict going to a food festival. This should be a sitcom episode. I kept saying the Serenity Prayer in my head, even though I was skeptical about spirituality at the beginning of my recovery. I felt empty and saying the prayer seemed like screaming into the void. On the other hand, it was a big first step that I did unconsciously to search for help. That was me finally trying to connect with my Higher Power and surrender my food thoughts. I didn’t eat that night. I stayed abstinent. 

Eight months later, I am grateful for that experience. I am restoring my body after losing 60 pounds. I am working my program to the best of my ability, and it has truly changed my life. The Serenity Prayer is forever reminding me of my trip to the food festival and of the still-struggling food addict that I was. I don’t have a crystal ball so I can’t predict the future. I don’t know how I am going to evolve alongside my food thoughts. But just for today, I will not let food govern my life. By surrendering my addictive eating patterns in FA, I got myself back. Best deal of my life.