Overweight My Whole Life

I was a grazer, snacking on unhealthy food throughout the day, like an IV drip of comfort. I knew that I ate when I was bored, tired, angry, frustrated, or elated, but I hadn’t made the connection that I was eating because I was feeling those feelings. I don’t think I ever knew what it meant to be truly physically hungry because I would get emotionally hungry well before my body recognized that it was time for another meal.

Over the years, I tried to lose weight by dieting, fasting, exercising, or eating only at certain times of the day. I joined gyms and bought exercise equipment, but I had no success in sticking to any regime for longer than a few weeks. Once I reached my 40s, I basically gave up trying to lose weight. I would occasionally still buy some gym equipment, but I felt completely powerless to stop myself from eating. I knew that if I thought about a particular kind of food, it would only be a matter of time before I ate. I did not have any ability to stop myself once the idea came into my head. I knew that I was addicted to food, but I had never thought to look for a solution until one night a little less than two years ago.

I turned 50 earlier that year, and that made me reflective. I was trying to make small changes in my life, but I had long since given up on trying to change my weight. I had been overweight my whole life, and I figured that was just how the rest of my life was going to be. I had no hope.

The school where I worked decided to make well-being a focus and theme for the next academic year. I was supposed to lead the school in this effort. How could someone who looked like me be a role model for well-being in my community? I thought about that a lot over the summer and had no good answers until I found FA.

As I was watching a TV show about AA, I was thinking, It’s not fair that alcoholics get to have meetings; there are no meetings for people who are addicted to food. I decided that if there were meetings for my addiction, I would go to them. A few minutes later, I realized that maybe there were, so I searched online for “meetings for food addiction.” FA was one of the options on the first page. There was something about the FA website that drew me in. As I started to explore, I found a list of phone numbers of people to call. As soon as I woke up the next morning, I called someone who asked if I had a sponsor. I had heard of sponsors in relation to AA, but I had no idea what they did or why I needed one. Thankfully, that lady was not deterred by my ignorance. She told me to go out and buy specific ingredients for breakfast and offered to help me find a sponsor, and that person is still my sponsor today.

Since that fateful day, I have been to the doctor for my annual health check. I was 223 pounds when I started the program. Now, 18 months later, I weigh 122 pounds. Before FA, my cholesterol was in the unhealthy range, but now shows good levels of HDL and LDL, and my triglycerides are also in the normal range. What a difference no flour and no sugar make. By simply taking the next right step, I lost 100 pounds, one day at a time. This is completely miraculous!

Now that I am in a right-sized body, I can buy pretty much anything off the rack. One of my favorite places to buy clothes is the secondhand shop because there are so many unique items. I now fit into almost any article of clothing, and when something doesn’t fit, it is often too big, rather than too small. I used to buy whatever happened to fit, regardless of whether I thought it suited me or not. Now I have trouble deciding what to buy and what to leave behind, since everything fits.

When I first heard about the food plan in FA, I didn’t think I could do it. No flour and no sugar? I think those were the primary ingredients in most of my foods. And I didn’t like cooking, so I doubted I could prepare the food. I worried that I would get some kind of complicated cookbook. I was extremely pleased to find out how simple our food is. I really think that if I can follow this program, anyone can.

Before coming into FA, I knew I needed boundaries around my food, but I couldn’t figure out what they were supposed to be. Low calorie? Low carb? Low fat? More meat? Less meat? I tried all those and more, but nothing seemed to work. And since I was always eating out or eating ready-made foods, I could never keep the boundaries in place. There was a voice screaming in my head, I don’t know what to eat! Someone, just tell me what to eat, and I will eat it. FA gave me the boundaries I need, helped me figure out what to eat, and taught me how to prepare my own food. I am so grateful to have answers to questions that plagued me for decades.

My addict brain is finally satisfied, and that has allowed my life to open up to new possibilities. I can slow down and appreciate important things, such as the people around me. I recognize when I am getting agitated and need to take quiet time. Before coming into Program, I was living my life at the speed of light, but now I am living my life at the pace of a nice walk in the forest on a Sunday morning. That is the pace I aim for these days. I don’t always succeed, but it’s progress, not perfection, right?