Better Marriage Conference | 2022 Digital Booklet by Faith Assembly

DIGITAL BOOKLET

TABLE OF CONTENTS SCHEDULE / ABOUT THE CONFERENCE

SPEAKER BIO 4 COMEDIAN BIO 5 PRAYING CIRCLES AROUND YOUR MARRIAGE 6 PURPOSE TO MARRIAGE 18 COUPLES RESOURCES AT FAITH ASSEMBLY

DATE NIGHT 30 RECOMMENDED READING 31 Q&A Hotline Have questions throughout the event? Text them to 682-232-4844. Questions will be received anonymously and answered throughout the sessions during designated times. #BMC2022 2

SCHEDULE 5:10 - 5:50

6:00 - 6:40

6:45 - 7:25

7:35 - 8:15

8:20 - 9:00

Session 1

Joel & Nina Schmidgall

Session 2

Joel & Nina Schmidgall

Dinner A

Brian Bates Comedy Show

Dinner B

Brian Bates Comedy Show

Session 3

Joel & Nina Schmidgall

ABOUT THE CONFERENCE Did you know there’s a better way? … a better way to live. … that there’s better commitment and better companionship for your life? Did you know there’s a better way to communicate? ... that when all of these better situations get strung together, it’s a recipe for a better culture. Did you know that God has better things in store for your marriage? ... a better way to love, and to be loved. The heart of this conference is to show you that better way. To show you that: if your marriage is struggling, God can restore it. if your marriage is healthy, God’s still got better. Why? Because God wants the best for your life. With the amount of wisdom we’ve squeezed into this conference, we pray these next four hours are everything you and your spouse need in order to have an enriched, Christ-centered, loving marriage. You better pay attention. He’s saying, “... I again shall show you a better way.” (1 Corinthians 12:31)

SPEAKER BIO Joel and Nina Schmidgall are on staff at National Community Church in Washington, D.C. Joel serves as executive pastor as well as president of the DC Dream Center, a community facility committed to inspiring and equipping youth and adults to reach their God-given potential. Nina serves as director of family ministry. Together with Pastor Mark Batterson, they wrote the book, “Praying Circles Around Your Marriage.” Joel and Nina were married in 2004 and have three little Cubs fans: Ella, Zeke, and Renzi. Favorite family traditions are music jam sessions, tickle time, and reading books over and over and over and over.

COMEDIAN BIO Brian Bates is a Nashville-based comedian who tours the country performing at comedy clubs, theaters, corporate events, and churches. You may have seen his special “Uber Important” or heard him as a guest on The Grand Ole Opry. When not on the road, Brian joins fellow comedians Nate Bargatze and Aaron Webers as one of the hosts of the popular podcast “NateLand” which is heard by thousands of listeners each week. Much of Brian’s humor now focuses on

Welcome Joel & Nina Schmidgall

Notes

PRAYER PROMPTS VISION CIRCLE

SUPPORT CIRCLE

Pray that God would reveal His combined purpose for your marriage. Ask Him to align you and your spouse so that He might use you more powerfully together.

Ask the Lord to surround your marriage with a healthy support community that will offer encouragement, inspiration, perspective, support, and accountability. Consider how you might take steps to build a strong community around your marriage.

WAR CIRCLE Ask God to overcome conflict that persists in your marriage. Ask him for revelation to understand the roots of conflict so that it might be used for growth and greater connection.

ROMANCE CIRCLE Pray that God would cultivate a connected and intimate relationship with your spouse. Pray for the understanding for how to love your spouse well.

STORM CIRCLE Pray for the Lord to build a foundation for your marriage that will help you weather the trials that are sure to come. Reflect on the promises that God makes to be near.

LEGACY CIRCLE Ask God to leverage your marriage to have influence for generations. Pray that you could live now in a way to honor God’s larger plan.

DANCE CIRCLE Ask the Lord to help you and your spouse merge your interests, personalities, and histories in partnership. Consider how you might serve your spouse and position him/her to be used greatly.

• •

! Vision: Dream Big, Pray Hard, And Talk Long 1. Shared values between a couple sets their hopes for the future—their vision. It is a shared way of seeing (vision) that then leads a couple to a shared way of living (purpose). What are some of the values that you and your spouse share? 2. If you’re like most couples, it’s all too easy to let the throes of everyday life take priority away from cultivating a larger purpose that will unify you and your spouse. Do you feel like you have unified vision at this time? Do your best to try to articulate it. 3. To receive a vision for your marriage starts, not by telling God what you want out of marriage, but by dying to self and surrendering to God. Marriage is a rebirth of selflessness. As we see written throughout Scripture, for the covenant to come to life, there had to be a death. What ways have you had to die to self so that your marriage might grow and thrive?

4. Joel and Nina encourage couples to plan an intentional time of seeking the Lord and asking for a revelation of vision. They recommend taking a retreat at the end of each year to lean into the Lord for his leading in each new season. Is this something you have done as a couple? How did it go? If you haven’t done this, what could be a first step toward something similar?

• •

d sp

Pi b sp at is q

Prayer Prompt: Ask God to

remind you of a larger purpose for your marriage. Maybe you feel like the terms of your relationship have changed and you’re having to give more than what feels fair. Ask Him to reveal how He plans to use you.

• •

Action Prompt: Begin to

•

surrender your marriage to God. Ask God to help you let go of your personal agenda and to reveal why He has brought you and your spouse together. Can you reduce it to a sentence or a list of values? Consider these questions to identify God’s larger purpose for your marriage.

• • • •

Q 9

• What sort of impact do we want to make on our community? • What do we care about that we can both rally around? • What set of gifts are unique to us as a couple? • Where do we work best together?

Prayer Prompt: Ask the Lord to begin to free you from your personal desires and individual plans so He can reveal a shared vision with your spouse.

Legacy Exercise Picture yourself walking into your favorite eatery where tables have been set up for a fiftieth wedding anniversary party. You and your spouse walk into the room filled with people you know. And as you look at the picture and name that are set up on an easel, you realize the party is for you. I want to ask you to take a moment to answer the following questions:

el p

• Who is in attendance?

• What are the stories that people tell about your marriage? • How do people explain each spouse’s uniqueness and how it fits together in the relationship? • What are the difficult parts of your marriage that have stood out to others? What hurdles have they seen you overcome together? • What do people say you did for each other or for them? • What is the one-sentence description at the top of the program that captures the legacy of your marriage?

• If your spouse had to write down the memories and things they appreciated about you, what would they say? Questions from p. 210 in Praying Circles around Your Marriage 10

What Is Your Conflict Style? When there is conflict between us, my spouse’s tendency is to (check all that apply): ❏ become quiet and withdrawn ❏ avoid the issue ❏ get frustrated if I bring it up ❏ become angry ❏ become defensive ❏ try to soothe things ❏ begin to criticize ❏ respond with humor ❏ become defensive ❏ offer quick solutions ❏ get cynical ❏ respond with sarcasm ❏ blame me or others ❏ raise his or her voice or yell ❏ try to listen ❏ other: (describe) When there is conflict between us, my tendency is to (check all that apply):

❏ become quiet and withdrawn ❏ avoid the issue ❏ get frustrated if I bring it up ❏ become angry ❏ become defensive ❏ try to soothe things ❏ begin to criticize ❏ respond with humor ❏ become defensive ❏ offer quick solutions ❏ get cynical ❏ respond with sarcasm ❏ blame me or others ❏ raise his or her voice or yell ❏ try to listen ❏ other: (describe)

Reflecting Together

No we are

1. What aspects of your spouse’s way of handling conflict do you find helpful? What does he or she do or say that helps in the resolution of conflict?

Bei Bei Fee Fee Bei Bei Fee Fee Fee Fee

2. Is there anything about your spouse’s way of handling conflict that you do not find helpful in resolving conflict between the two of you? 3. Describe how your own parents resolved conflict in your family. Utilize the checklist provided above.

Ada

4. What messages and behaviors did you learn from your upbringing or past relationships about dealing with disagreements and conflict?

Wh how com rea

Wit Esc Bla Ma Thr Go Inv Bec Bec Bec

Ad 11

Top-20 Relational Fears Not only does everyone experience relational fear to some degree, but we also share similar fears. The top-20 most common relational fears are listed below to help you identify what awakens your fear cycle. Being rejected Being judged Feeling disconnected Feeling lonely Being powerless Being invalidated Feeling defective Feeling inferior Feeling worthless Feeling like a failure

Being devalued Feeling humiliated Being misunderstood Being abandoned Feeling unimportant Being ignored Being unwanted Being disliked Feeling distrustful Feeling unhappy

Adapted from “Why Good Marriages Go Bad” by Michael and Amy Smalley.

Ways People Respond To Fear

When your spouse pushes your hot button and your fear is awakened, how do you respond? The following list includes some of the most common negative responses. Do you see words that describe your reaction? Withdraw Escalate Blame Manipulate Throw tantrums Go into denial Invalidate/minimize Become defensive Become clingy Become passive-aggressive

Go into fix-it mode Complain/criticize Lash out Exaggerate/catastrophize Become enraged Shut down emotionally Deflect with humor Display sarcasm Rationalize Become indifferent

Adapted from Your Best Us: Marriage is easier than you think by Ted Lowe. 12

10 Ways To Increase Connection

Connection Questions !

1. How does your partner most often express love to you?

Connection Questions 2. What your partnermost complain about most?love to you and others? 1. How doesdoes your partner often express 2. What does your partner complain about most? 3. What does your partner request most often? 3. What does your partner request most often?

Notes

s a y

Notes

s a

Notes

c y

sp an y

Putting Purpose To Your Marriage Working together with your spouse to develop a plan for your shared life is a way to ensure a thriving and growing marriage. Intentional prayer supported by intentional planning is a powerful combination for a strong union. Taking time as a couple to plan together is one of the greatest investments you can make in your marriage. Failing to reflect, pray, and dream risks a resulting distance between you and your spouse. Items that are not tied together, easily drift apart. Generations have dropped messages into bottles to experiment with this fate. Without something to propel the floating bottles to a destination, they drift to unknown destinations determined whatever currents or winds they will encounter. Proving just how much drift can cause distance, two bottles that were dropped together off the coast of Brazil found very different end points. One floated east for 130 days landing on a beach in Africa while the other drifted northwest for 190 days to the coast of Nicaragua.

A s e a a t d y i T s t a a

When you’re not being intentional in your marriage, you won’t end up closer. You’ll only end up further apart. Through prayer, you and your spouse tether yourselves together. Sadly, many couples don’t really take an evaluated look at their marriage so that they might strengthen it to fulfill its full purpose. All too often, couples put their most precious relationship on automatic pilot and wonder why it suffers.

W g d t p

That is why we wrote Praying Circles Around Your Marriage. We wanted to encourage couples to get in the circle and take a look around. We believe that marriages achieve their greatest purpose through intentionality. Here are some ways you can take steps for a purposeful marriage.

N t p s l

Set Time To Plan

A c Y r a p

If you left your house each day without a planned destination, you would not accomplish much. The well known professional baseball player known for his pithy statements, Yogi Berra, said it this way, “If you don’t know where you are going, you’ll end up someplace else.”

Y s w h T i p

The best laid plans are revealed in prayer. Honest conversation with God about your marriage will give you the greatest insight for innovation, conviction, and hope. 19

A number of years ago we started setting aside time at the end of each year for intentional planning and dreaming. It started small, just a long dinner together with some things we knew we needed to discuss. Seeing the value over the years, it has evolved and we make it a much higher priority now. This year, we have even secured someone to stay with our kids for two nights so we can get away for an elongated time of dreaming and praying.

u s

Whether you and your spouse get away for a night or just grab a dinner together, make it a priority to set a time to reflect, dream, and plan with your spouse

Here are a few steps that will help you put purpose to your marriage: Get away

It won’t be easy, but the best reflection and planning time is away from your normal routine. Mark Batterson says it this way, “A change of place plus a change of pace equals a change in perspective.”

As we wrote in the Vision Circle chapter of Praying Circles Around Your Marriage, regular time of reflection and prayer together will allow God to reveal his vision and purpose for your marriage.

You might not realize that much of your day is mindless routine and repeated surroundings you no longer notice. Studies show that around 40 percent of people’s daily activities are performed in the same situations. Initially your mind engages the prefrontal cortex in making decisions. But as you repeat the same behavior, the information is organized in your brain and shifts to the sensory motor loop, creating a neural signature. In other words, your actions become an automatic, unconscious behavior.

Your intentional time will reveal shared priorities and values which will bring clarity to your hopes for the future— your vision. This shared way of seeing turns into a shared way of living— your purpose.

In a study analyzing how individuals form habits, University of Southern California psychology professor Wendy Wood explains, “When the habitual mind is engaged, our habits function largely outside of awareness. We

Not only will it bring clarity to the year ahead, over time those planning moments will start to show themselves in the way you lead your marriage and life.

Intentional Time → Values and Priorities → Vision → Purpose

can’t easily articulate how we do our habits or why we do them.” We are going from the intentional response to habitual response. To get a new vision, we have to break a neural signature so we can engage in ideas outside of our habitual responses. In Mark 8:23, Jesus led a blind man outside of the city before healing him. “He took the blind man by the hand and led him outside the village.” Jesus saw that it was important to change the surroundings of the blind man before he could heal him. Reflection: What mindless routine is holding you back from grasping a new vision? Is it your routine? Your habits? Your way of thinking? Is it where you reside? Action: Rent a hotel room. Borrow a friend’s cabin or tent. Go to a new city. But find a place where your synapses can fire in a new way. Jesus often retreated to places to pray. He did not allow the routine, the pressures, and the needs to overwhelm the connection to the Father. He consistently renewed His vision, separating himself from those demanding His attention.

Make It Reoccurring

As pl a in

We set our time for reflection, prayer, and planning to happen each year. Why? Because we have vision drift, forgetting our goals in the midst of everyday demands, and it’s so easy to lose focus. Also, if we’re honest, each season calls for a different version of renewed vision. It takes tweaking, prayer, and consistent attention to figure out how to keep working together toward the same goal.

Se of co yo to ab m yo m sp gr pr of th ne fru

A few years ago, we realized we needed to go a step further. We had been putting some big picture things in place but were not great about checking in to ensure they were still in motion throughout the year. It wasn’t a greater vision we needed. Instead, we needed a greater accountability to stay focused on our vision. We put a coffee date on the calendar for the end of each month in the coming year. We started a habit of reviewing the goals we had set and checking in on whether we had gotten off course or whether anything new was stirring in our hearts.

Ac yo re pr ac Be ste gr

En ba an is wi ex wi na di

Action: Set some regular time as a couple to check-in and review the things you have said are important. Maybe it is a monthly date night or coffee to read back over your prayers and priorities.

As you set an annual time of planning and reflection, here are a few things we encourage you to include:

ve n

A Planned Agenda

Set an agenda ahead of time of the things you would like to consider together. It is likely that you and your spouse will come together with different ideas about how to use the time. You might want to focus on getting your budget in order. Your spouse might want to dream about a spiritual discipleship plan. Be graceful to one another and to the process. A loose agenda or plan of how to proceed will ensure that the time is used wisely and neither party is discouraged or frustrated.

o, s d

e er

Acknowledge ahead of time that you won’t cover everything. Being realistic about that will be like a pressure valve when you don’t accomplish everything you hope. Be encouraged that even small steps of intentionally will yield great reward in your marriage.

Ensure that you have a good balance of time to problem solve and time to dream together. One is a reality that you have to deal with. The other is something exciting that you want to deal with. Spouses with differing natures can come at this very differently and will be left

unsatisfied if the agenda leans one way or the other. If you only live in the current reality of what you have to deal with, you will miss out on some of the things God might want to do. But if you only live in possibility, you can miss the chance to address real things that need attention now. A well-balanced time together will ensure productive and fruitful outcomes.

A Prepared Heart

The best future for your marriage will be revealed by the Holy Spirit. This requires preparing your heart before you enter your time together. Start your time together by identifying those assumptions, experiences, or plans that you need to lay at the altar. Let go. Listen to God. Listen to your spouse. Remain open. Joel’s parents modeled this in the way they would come to decisions. Whenever they were at major decision points in their marriage, they would separately go into a time of prayer. And they would come back together when they felt a sense of direction. If they didn’t align in vision, they wouldn’t fight to get their own way, but they’d go back into individual prayer. They would repeat the process until they aligned with the Spirit and with each other. There was

no coercion. It was a process of releasing personal preference and gaining God’s direction. If you set goals that are selfserving, you would be better off spiritually if you didn’t accomplish them. That’s why you need to check your motives. Reflection through prayer will ensure you are headed in direction and for the right reasons. God might use the time to reveal something you haven’t considered before. Reflection: What attitude, idea, or expectation do you need to lay down? What new attitude, idea, or expectation is the Lord speaking to you?

A Look Back

The best way to prepare our hearts is to start from a place of gratitude. Whenever we enter a prayer and planning retreat, we begin by taking time for a meal. We look back and remember the beautiful experiences, the sacred moments, and the revelations. It’s important to set a tone by affirming who your spouse is, what they do, what you love about them, what you love doing together. It’s not just a practice to make them feel good, but it’s an exercise that helps you understand deep connection points.

D f t

Consider starting your time together making a list of the ways God has been faithful to that point. Gratitude will ensure perspective. • What prayers did God answer this last year?

O a b w h t t s m w

• What have we overcome together? • What are the times we felt close to one another? • What has God taught us this year that will serve us in the future?

Time for Fun

H m c A p m t m

Be sure to do some things that are memorable or fun. Actions that have a reward are more easily repeated. Ensure your time together includes time doing something you would want to do again. For Joel, eating well is always on the agenda! We often schedule our conversations around Joel’s desired meal schedule.

S t p t d d e m t o e w p a a h e

Nina loves a good coffee so we will often research a coffee shop where she can get her just-right coffee and find inspiration in a cozy and comfortable setting. Be intentional to keep things positive so that you stay connected. One time, after a long and hard conversation we decided to go a late night movie so we could end the night laughing together. 23

Dreaming together about your future should be fun! Don’t leave that off the agenda.

Calendar and Budget Review

Our time together always includes a look at our calendar and our budget. Joel often says that if you want a true look at someone’s heart and priorities, you need only to glance at their calendar and their budget. The way a couple spends their time and their money is the clearest reflection of what they value, isn’t it?

How each spouse spends time or money is also likely to be the most contentious part of a marriage. A recent study showed that 25 percent of adults claimed the most frequent argument with their spouse had to do with money. Spending time working through these items in a proactive way protects us from fighting over them in a reactionary way. We do this in a more in-depth way during our planning time at the end of each year. Then, at our monthly touch-point throughout the year, we just quickly revisit our schedule and finances to ensure we are on track with what we planned. When you make proactive decisions together about the coming year’s budget and time, you have stunted a hundred arguments before they ever happen. 24

Goal Setting

Goal setting is a way to ensure that your dreams become realized. Goals are dreams with deadlines. Here are some ways to make your goals productive: Think in Categories Thinking in categories can help you consider all the parts of your shared life. Here are a few categories that we use to help us to organize our dreaming: (1) our home life (2) professional, (3) physical, (4) giving/serving, and (5) personal growth. Vary your goals to ensure that you are thinking broadly. Include short goals and long goals. Have big goals and small goals. “Most of us overestimate what we can accomplish in two years, but we underestimate what we can accomplish in ten years. If we want to dream big, we need to think long. If you want to dream until the day you die, you need to set goals that take a lifetime to achieve.” - Mark Batterson Be Specific How will you know whether your goal was achieved? Just like our prayers, our goals need to be specific. The acronym “SMART” is used in the business world guides objectives for project management and personal development. A “SMART” goal

must be Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Timely. It forces an answer to questions like, “What exactly do I want to achieve? When will I do it? Where and how? With Whom? Why do I care about this goal? Are there barriers in place that I need to overcome?” Write It Down The act of writing down your hopes and dreams for the future is a step of faith. Benjamin Franklin once said, “The shortest pencil is longer than the longest memory.” The Bible testifies to this in Habakkuk 2:2 “Write out the revelation, engraving it clearly on the tablets.” Writing down a goal or something revealed in prayer is a way to ensure that you remember to give God the credit for the work he will do to help you accomplish it. Your journal will serve as a written record of all God has accomplished in and through your family. Be True to You Don’t spend your marriage chasing the goals of others. God has a plan and purpose that is unique to your marriage. Use a time of goal setting to ensure that your objectives are a reflection of your heart and your purpose. If you desire a life of generosity, do your plans for the next year reflect

10 |

that? If you and your spouse feel close to the Lord in the outdoors, have you scheduled time to make sure you get there?

Seal it with Prayer

Not only begin your time in prayer but end it that way as well. Godordained dreams are revealed in prayer. And prayer is what brings them to realization. Continue to circle the dreams and goals of your marriage in prayer. ---We hope that helps give you an idea of how you can put some rhythms in place to ensure intentionality in your marriage. These planning times together will refine the large purpose God is working through your marriage. Your marriage will be enriched by a refined understanding of your shared vision.

Of course, our book Praying Circle Around Your Marriage can also be a great tool to lead you to circle your marriage, strengthening it through prayer. God has so much he wants to do through you and your spouse! Take some important steps to put purpose to your marriage.

Get-a-way Plans

el s, ke

yer n gs

Agenda

d ge. by r

cle be

e to

| 11

12 |

God was faithful

Calendar & Budget

Goals

Dreams

| 13

COUPLES RESOURCES AT FAITH ASSEMBLY For a complete listing of active marriage-based groups and classes, click on the links. CONNECT GROUPS faithassembly.org/CONNECT 407-275-8790 ext. 1205 | connectgroups@faithassembly.org Our groups meet on a weekly basis and are led by people like you all over Central Florida. Broken down by subcategory, days of the week, or zip codes, select from a variety of options based on your interests and life experience. GROW CLASSES faithassembly.org/GROW 407-275-8790 ext. 1173 | christianeducation@faithassembly.org Grow Classes are powered by a team of passionate, committed, and faithful volunteers who teach sound doctrine and develop life-long disciples. Classes are offered on Sundays at 8am, 10:25am, or 1pm; and Wednesdays at 6pm. COUNSELING faithassembly.org/counseling 407-581-7701 | faithcounseling@faithassembly.org Faith Assembly Counseling provides both Pastoral Counseling and Clinical Counseling Services from a Biblical perspective. We provide short-term counseling and referral resources to adults, children, individuals, couples, and families at their point of need.

Join us for a Date Game Night! Dat

e Nig

Friday, March 25, 2022 7 PM Mainstream Building The cost is only $15 per couple with free childcare included! Seriously dating, engaged, and married couples are all welcome to attend.

Better Marriage Conference | 2022 Digital Booklet

Articles inside

SPEAKER BIO

COMEDIAN BIO