Feature: Bullying

Families Education Understanding subtle forms of bullying

Perhaps your mental image of a bully is someone who pushes your child over in the playground or steals their money or their lunch? Or maybe you picture your child hunched over their phone or device being pursued by bullies online?

These forms of bullying are easy to recognise, although, of course, not always easy to deal with. But what about more subtle types of bullying like baiting and false friendships? How do you recognise these and are they actually bullying?

As we head towards Anti-Bullying Week which starts on 14th November, Families asked the Anti-Bullying Alliance, part of the National Children’s Bureau, to share its tips and advice.

Baiting and bullying

To ‘bait’ someone is to intentionally make a person angry by saying or doing things to annoy them. Baiting can be used in bullying both on and offline and is aimed at getting ‘a rise’ out of them. It can even be used to encourage someone to become a bully. It can also sometimes be used secretively to try and get a person to explode in a rage or react negatively so that they get in to trouble.

What NOT to do:

If your child is being baited, here’s what to advise them: • Don’t take the bait! • Don’t argue with a person or appeal to their sense of reason or logic while they are baiting you. They want you to rise to it. • Don’t retaliate and fall into a trap.

What TO do:

• Learn to recognise baiting for what it is. If your child knows what the bully is trying to do it is easier to understand it. • Remind your child that the bait often has nothing to do with what the other person really wants. • Explain that what the person is feeling is temporary and they will probably feel different in a few days or a few hours. • Talk to an adult you trust such as a teacher or parent and explain what the bully is doing and why you think they are doing it. • If your child is falsely accused of something, they or you should politely, briefly and calmly state the truth, one time only. • Advise your child to remove themselves from the situation calmly. End the conversation and exit the space. • Get support. You or your child should describe what has happened to you so you or their teacher, who will help them come up with a reasoned, effective plan of how to deal with it.

False friendships

These describe relationships where someone pretends to be your child’s friend but actually uses their power to bully them.

Sometimes bullying isn’t as straight forward as someone openly being horrible to another person. It can be much more complicated than that. False friendships can sometimes be hard for adults to identify, so imagine how difficult they are for children!

In a 2016 survey, Bullying UK found that: • 73% of children and young people had seen social bullying taking place. • 55% of children and young people had experienced social bullying.

Tips for Parents

Talk to your child about what it is to be a good friend. For example, a good friend is kind and makes them feel good about themselves. This will help to highlight where there may be false friendships.

Talk to your child about the difference between banter and bullying. Banter is playful and both parties find it funny. Bullying is repetitive and hurtful. It also involves a power imbalance. Tell them that if someone constantly puts them down, they are not a real friend and not worth their time.

Speak to your child’s teacher with your child. Ask them their perspective. Does your teacher fully understand the friendship dynamic?

Don’t encourage your child to retaliate as this might get them into trouble themselves or put them in a dangerous position.

Some children are more likely to have false friendships, for example disabled children. It is especially important that disabled children understand what makes a good friend.

If your child doesn’t have many other friends, you could encourage them to get involved in extra-curricular activities or activities outside of school, so that they might be able to develop other friendships and improve their confidence.

If your child is being bullied by someone who they thought was their friend, this can be especially hurtful. Make sure you praise them for telling you and agree a way forward together. Tell them it is not their fault.

With thanks to the Anti-Bullying Alliance for this article.

For more information about Anti-Bullying Week, visit www.anti-bullyingalliance.org.uk