Please listen to me!

By Tanith Carey

When we have non-stop days, it’s easy to lapse into ‘one-waystreet parenting.’ That’s where as the more powerful grownup, you tell your child how to behave. But parenting becomes so much easier when it’s a two-way transaction and you make a conscious effort to listen to what your child has to say as well.

As they grow, children are in a constant process of learning to recognise and describe their needs and emotions. However, with their developing vocabulary they can’t always clearly articulate their big feelings so they don’t always feel heard.

Children who don’t feel heard often act out how they feel. There could be angry tantrums, strops, defiance or attention-seeking behaviour to force you to pay attention. Sadly, this behaviour has the opposite effect.

The good news is that just one simple shift can transform your relationship with your child. Next time your child explodes, understand they are struggling with giant feelings. Rather than thinking about how to discipline them, observe their behaviour with curiosity, followed by empathy.

For example, we grown-ups tend to hear repeated requests for the things kids want as whingeing or nagging. Rather than ignoring them, show them you heard them the first time by looking at them, getting down on their level if they are still little, repeating what they have just said and giving them a response that works in that moment, even if it’s an explanation for why you are saying ‘no’.

Of course, you can’t be expected to drop everything, every time or give kids whatever they want.

Keep some phrases in your back pocket like: ‘I know it’s hard to wait. I’ll be there soon,’ or ‘I heard you calling me. Give me five minutes while you finish your Lego house.’ Even if it’s not the answer they want to hear, they will ease off once they know the message has got through. Just make sure you stick to your word. This kind of listening is not about giving in or letting them have their own way. It’s about remembering that children are on a steep learning curve towards naming and managing feelings that continues well into their teenage years.

Tanith Carey is co-author, with Dr Angharad Rudkin, of What’s My Child Thinking: Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents. The book includes many topics including the best ways to communicate with children. Published by DK books and available from www.bookshop.org

For children ages 4–7

Name emotions: Experience shows that the more words you use to name their emotions, the more accurate children will be when describing them.

Be interested in what they love: Be curious about what your child has to say, even if you’ve heard the same dinosaur fact one hundred times. If you say: ‘Tell me more,’ your child will open up to you at other times too. If you feel yourself getting bored, go on an adventure to find new facts to fascinate them.

Calm your nervous system: When you feel angry or irritated when dealing with your child, whatever you are doing, take a few deep breaths to slow yourself back to empathy mode so you can listen to what they are trying to say.

Limit your phone use: Put away your phone during the special one-on-one times with your child, whether it’s bath times, mealtimes or story time. When they don’t have to compete to be heard they can relax into being with you.

For children ages 8 -11

Listen more than you talk: Once children can be clear about what’s bothering them, often responding with just a nod, an ‘I see’ or ‘That sounds tough’ is enough. Resist the temptation to offer judgement or criticism, even if you think it sounds constructive. It’s often what you don’t say rather than what you do which makes you the best sounding board.

Set aside time: Spend regular unhurried time just doing the things they like to do. These ‘emotional deposits’ remind tweens that you like as well as love them and they will be more likely to listen to you at other times.

Validate feelings: Simply try to accept and understand how they feel, even if that feels uncomfortable for you. For example, your tween contains their behaviour all day at school. So when they come from school and moan, remember that most of the time you don’t need to do anything except listen. You could ask: ‘Do you need to vent, or do you want suggestions? Either is fine.’