Tackling childhood fears

During the pandemic, levels of anxiety among adults have risen sharply and some of this worry has been contagious for kids. So how do we help children manage their own feelings when the world feels uncertain for grown-ups too?

Firstly, remember that children take their cues from you. This means noticing when you feel overwhelmed. Visualise a sliding scale in your mind with notches from one to ten. When the scale starts to move towards seven or eight, take deliberate steps to process your own worries, maybe talking them through with another adult, so you can stay calm and rational around your child. This isn’t hiding anything from them. It’s putting on your own oxygen mask so you can reassure them they are safe within the world of their home. If your child seems worried by something about Covid they have heard outside the home, ask what they’ve heard.

From around age 4 or 5, young children engage in ‘magical thinking’ in which they believe they are the centre of the world. In order to try and make sense of how the world works, they also tend to link events that aren’t linked, meaning that they often leap to the wrong conclusions. For example, if a grandparent gets Covid, they may, for example, assume it’s down to them not washing their hands when they come home from school.

Asking your children about their fears allows you to tackle their concerns directly. You can help them feel more in control by telling them they are part of a big team winning the war on the virus and helping by wearing masks and washing their hands. Explain: ‘Lots of people have caught this germ, but for most, it's been like a really bad cold.’ Talk too about how clever scientists have come up with vaccines and millions of grownups, from health care staff to teachers, are still working hard to look after them. Help them get the virus in perspective too. Explain that there are good germs in our bodies as well as bad ones, how their immune system works and how to look after it.

While young children tend not to worry about death as something that happens to them, they may worry about who will look after

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them if you or your co-parent dies. If this is a concern that surfaces, tell your child that everyone dies eventually but you don’t expect it to happen for a long time and by then they will be grown-up. Facing and talking about their fears doesn’t mean they will become persistent. In fact, they are more likely to keep coming back when children feel alone with them, not heard or unable to express them.

If you do lose a loved one, give clear, open honest answers because younger children don’t understand death is final. Avoid phrases such as ‘gone to sleep’ or ‘we’ve lost them.’ Explain simply the reason that their loved one is no longer here is that their body stopped working. It can also be helpful to give kids tangible ways of mourning: going through family photos, making a keepsake box, releasing a balloon with the person’s name on or planting a tree.

I’m scared of the dark Fear of the dark at bedtime affects about half of children up to the age of five. When a room goes black, children can feel ‘trapped’ by the darkness around them.

By helping kids name their worries, they will feel more in charge. Summarise and talk about what they are saying, so they know you have heard and understood. To make lights-out seem less scary, offer your child a nightlight which will cast a warm glow around them without interrupting their sleep.

Will bad people hurt us? By the time children are five or six, they may overhear talk about crime or terror attacks and worry that ‘bad people' may want to hurt them or the people they love.

While you may feel it’s too soon to tackle such a big subject, they are really asking if they are safe with you right now.

Acknowledge their concerns and how scary this must feel. Explain that serious crimes and big news incidents are rare and they are safe at home.

Tanith Carey is author of What’s My Child Thinking: Practical Child Psychology for Modern Parents with clinical child psychologist Dr Angharad Rudkin, published by DK books. Fears and anxieties are some of the one hundred scenarios faced with children aged two to seven that are tackled in this book.